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damn-behzinga · 4 years

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Losing The War Against Himself

Ethan Payne (Behzinga) Centric

summary - Ethan is losing the war of depression but other soldiers are going to fight beside him and help him win

warnings - depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts, angst, panic attacks, swearing, my terrible writing

masterlist and request info

Sometimes, Ethan didn't want to talk about his weight loss. Sometimes, Ethan looked in the mirror and still felt disgusting and fat. He would feel terrible about himself and work out more and eat less, trying to get rid of the fattiness he felt but couldn't see.

The other sidemen knew that something was off with Ethan on these days but since he hadn't told them, they remained in the dark and confused about the situation.

Ethan was pretty open about how he looked up to the other sidemen and their lifestyle, especially JJ. JJ who was so strong and fit, who looked like how Ethan could only dream of.

Ethan just stood in front of the mirror and cried, he felt so disgusting, every way he looked at himself, he looked distorted. Ethan wanted to vomit when he looked at himself, ignoring all progress he made from the last two years, only seeing himself as the fat man he knew from before.

Ethan dried his tears, there's no way in Hell he would let his friends see him like that. So weak and sensitive. And so, to stop them from seeing him in any way that showed weakness, Ethan slowly went back into his shell, becoming a shell of their best friend. The sidemen were confused to put it simply and hurt. They had spent months getting Ethan to open up to them and all of a sudden he went back into that shell. The last time he felt like that was in 2015 and they did not want to go back down that route again.

Ethan's habits worsened. He'd show up for shoots, complete them and then leave. If it was an all-day shoot then he'd arrive on time and leave during his breaks, even if it was just for a walk around the block. He would go out of his way to avoid his friends, hardly interacting with them and not commenting on much during filming. He was like a zombie. His friends knew they had to find out what was wrong and helped him before it was too late.

Ethan was at his flat when the guys came over to confront him. He was simply lying in bed, not having the energy to get up or do anything productive. The men knocked on the door but Ethan didn't answer, too lost in his head. Ethan had given them all a spare key when he first moved so Tobi used it and they all entered the flat, searching for their friend.

"Ethan?" Simon called lightly, looking around the living room. When the men came up empty, Tobi nodded towards Ethan's door and so the group stood at the doorway and saw their best friend in bed.

"Go away, lads." Ethan's voice was hoarse from the lack of use but the emptiness was evident.

"We can't leave you alone like this," Josh said softly making his way through the messy room.

"Where's Charlie?" Tobi asked, noting Ethan's missing roommate.

"He moved out with his girlfriend," Ethan muttered. "He left, why can't you?"

"Because we're worried about you man," JJ answered honestly, his voice rarely soft.

"You don't have to be. I'm not worth your time." Ethan argued weakly.

"Ethan, when was the last time you showered?" Vik asked.

"I don't know. After the last shoot, I suppose." Ethan shrugged.

The friends exchanged looks, that was five days ago.

"When was the last time you ate a proper meal?" Harry questioned.

"I don't know," Ethan answered. "What does it matter guys? I'm still the fat kid I'm losing some weight now at least."

Both Simon and Tobi flinched at Ethan's words.

"Okay," Josh whispered. "You're gonna shower or have a bath and we're going to get you some food. Is there anything you want specifically?"

"I don't care," Ethan said back, voice breaking slightly. "You guys shouldn't either. All I do is bring you down. Can't you go home and leave me alone, please?"

Harry wanted to give in and leave Ethan alone and hope that he would get better the next day and return to good old Ethan they knew and loved. But Harry knew that he needed to stay, that if he left his friend then the results could be tragic.

"We can't do that, mate," Tobi whispered. "Just go take a shower and take a breather. We're staying right here."

Ethan couldn't be bothered to argue, so he pushed himself up in bed, joints clicking after not being used for however long. JJ helped Ethan up, seeing how weak he was. Holding an arm underneath his shoulders to support him to the bathroom.

Despite the stumbling, Ethan made it to the bathroom. He turned and looked at the men and closed the door behind him and soon the men heard the water running. Josh turned to the group and started planning things.

"Okay, Simon and JJ will clean up Ethan's room. Vik and I will take the living room, and Tobi and Harry will knock out the washing up in the kitchen. I'll order us all some food." Josh explained. Everyone nodded and went to their respective rooms to clean up.

About fifteen minutes later, the rooms were clean and Ethan stepped out the bathroom, feeling clean for the first time in days, wearing a new pair of jogging bottoms and a long sleeve top. Josh was the first to greet him, having stood outside in case anything happened.

"What do you want to do now?" Josh asked.

"I want you guys to leave me alone," Ethan grumbled, walking to his room.

"Well, I was thinking about watching a movie or something?" Josh replied, completely dismissing Ethan's idea.

Ethan ignored his friend and sat on his bed. Throwing his towel into the laundry basket. He stayed silent and started searching through his drawers.

"What are you looking for?" Josh asked.

"My fags." Ethan sighed.

"I hid them," JJ answered, shrugging slightly.

"Why the fuck would you do that?" Ethan asked. "For fuck sake." Ethan slammed one if his draws shut. "I need them."

"You don't need them," JJ argued. "You need something else, those fags are gonna kill you."

"So?" Ethan growled. JJ and Josh were left speechless as Ethan ran out of the room to search the rest of the flat.

"What are you looking for?" Harry asked as Ethan looked in the cupboards.

"My cigs," Ethan answered briefly as he came up empty.

Harry let out a small, 'oh' and Ethan continued to search. Ethan's hands started shaking as he urged for a cigarette.

"You don't need them, Ethan," Simon explained.

"You just need to try and calm down. Let us help. You're going through a rough patch and that's okay, let us help." Tobi said softly. Ethan huffed out and breath and turned to face the friends.

"Please, Ethan." Vik pleaded.

"Don't any of you fucking understand?" Ethan yelled, his depression causing frustration and anger. "No, you don't. So fuck off and leave me alone."

"Not whilst you're like this," Simon exclaimed.

"Can't you just leave me alone?" Ethan begged. "Please, I'm fine by myself."

"Ethan, it's okay to admit you're not okay." JJ took a step forward causing Ethan to take a step back to avoid contact.

"Go." Ethan pleaded, eyes watering with tears. He was trembling, close to a panic attack.

"Hey, Ethan. It's okay." Josh tried to ground Ethan, calling him by his name. He stepped forward and Ethan pushed himself against the counter. He slid down the counter and placed his hands on either side of his head.

Panic was clawing at his throat and Ethan couldn't focus on anything, he started scratching at his arms, hard enough that red lines were becoming noticeable. Fast-paced breaths escaped Ethan as his scratches didn't calm him, he started to punch at his head, angry for being so weak and he just wanted to go back to normal. He couldn't breathe. He didn't want to let anyone down and yet here he was crying like a baby.

He was shaking, crying. He couldn't focus on anything, he continued to punch his head harder, as he sobbed. He couldn't breathe. Why couldn't he breathe? His breaths escalated, shallow breathes escaped him, unable to focus on taking proper deep breaths. The men watched in agony not knowing how to help their friend. Josh made the first move.

"Ethan?" Josh touched Ethan's arm lightly. Ethan immediately retaliated and threw his arm out, punching Josh on the cheek.

Josh fell back.

It was like Ethan could suddenly see what was happening. He looked down at his fists and then at his friend who was now being looked after by Tobi and JJ. Ethan let out a 'sorry' before running into his room and locking the door.

"Fuck, I'm so, so, sorry." Ethan sobbed, hands covering his eyes.

He backed away from the door and sat on the bed, calming himself down. Ethan eventually calmed down and heard knocking on the door.

"Ethan. Can I come in?" It was from Josh.

"No," Ethan muttered.

"Please?" Josh continued to beg.

"I hurt you, Josh. What kind of friend am I? I'm horrible." Ethan mumbled.

"What if I hurt you again?"

"You didn't hit that hard, Ethan. It barely hurt. You were scared, Ethan. It's okay." Josh smiled.

"Is it?" Ethan asked. "All I wanted my fucking cigs and yet I hurt you instead."

Ethan heard some shuffling outside the door and finally accepted that his friend had left as he deserved.

There was a knock at his door and Ethan stood up and wobbly walked to the door and unlocked it. He poked his head through and saw Josh holding out a packet of cigarettes.

"As much as I hate it." Josh frowned. "You can quit but I know it's hard. I'll give you time and we can work on that together but you need to focus on getting mentally better before quitting."

Ethan nodded and took the packet of cigarettes and the lighter. He walked out and thanked Josh quietly. He made his way to the balcony and kept his head low as he walked past his friends, ashamed and embarrassed.

He took out a fag and started smoking. He watched as cars drove past and the boats in the Thames. He often thought about how much it would hurt if he jumped off the balcony or if he drowned himself in the Thames. He quickly finished the cigarette and realised he had nowhere to put it out. Before he crushed it on the floor or put it out in his sink, he rolled up his sleeve and pressed the cigarette against his arm, allowing the burning sensation to take over him. He took a sharp intake of breath before throwing the cigarette on the floor and crushing it under his foot.

He walked back inside the flat and looked at his friends who sat on his sofa.

"Did you hurt yourself with the cigarette?" Vik asked.

"I'm sorry," Ethan whispered before sobbing.

The men frowned at their friend, emotional at the idea of their friend hurting himself.

"I just hate myself so much. I deserve so what's the point?" Ethan shrugged.

"Why are you worried? All I do is bring you down."

"Ethan, you do not bring us down, at all. We love you so much more than what you could imagine." Simon smiled.

"If I died, the sun would still rise, the channel would still exist, people would continue living. It wouldn't change anything. I am insignificant." Ethan explained. "I hate everything about myself."

"You're acting as though we would still upload on the Sidemen channel if you died," Tobi said.

"Why wouldn't you?" Ethan asked.

"Because it wouldn't be the same." JJ immediately interrupted. "You say that everything would stay the same but it wouldn't. We would all be heartbroken, your viewers would be heartbroken. What about your mum, huh? How would we have to explain that to her? You've said it yourself, she's already lost so much."

"But I deserve it, Jide," Ethan whispered. "That's the difference between you guys and me. You guys help people and solve problems, I am the problem."

"You are not a problem, and I can promise you that," Vik whispered. "Yes, you can cause problems but so do all of us, we're human. But, you are not the sole problem."

"If you were we would tell you," Harry said honestly.

"I want to die, guys and I don't think you realise that," Ethan whispered sadly.

"We can get you professional help, and we can help," Tobi said. "You aren't alone, Ethan."

"Just tell us one thing that is bothering you," Josh suggested. "We can help you solve that problem and work with you on it."

Ethan bit his lip and wrapped his arms around his torso, quickly becoming aware of each one of his insecurities. He thought over every single one of his insecurities and chose the one he knew his friends could agree with.

"I hate the way I look." He whispered. "I look in the mirror and I feel like I could throw up."

"What specifically?" Simon asked.

"I don't like how much skin I have. I'm still fat, my face is ugly. My smile is annoying. My nose is crooked and I have such boring eyes. My legs are an awful shape and my arms are so awkward that I've started covering them with tattoos."

His friends all felt sadness run over them at the idea that Ethan pointed out all insecurities one person could have.

"You aren't fat, mate," JJ stated firmly. "You've made so much progress from what you did look like."

"I look in the mirror and I still look like what I did three years ago," Ethan growled. "I'm still the fat kid who doesn't have any other personality trait apart from the fact that I'm fat."

Josh frowned at his friend. "I get it. I didn't have as big as a transformation as you but to fat kid from the other fat kid, I get it. Sometimes, you look in the mirror and you feel like you've made no progress at all, or too little progress. But I promise you that you should feel proud of the progress you've made now."

Everyone looked at the two friends, all of them had been relatively fit all their life or when they did gain weight, it didn't affect them. They never clicked how much someone could hate themselves even after as big of a transformation.

"Ethan, can't you see how much you've changed?" Tobi asked and, as he was pretty fit all his life, he had a fast metabolism, and he would never fully grasp the idea of not liking any mind-blowing changes that you make to yourself.

"It's not enough, the skin is still hanging off me. Every time I look in the mirror, I see the fat guy I've been for the past ten years." Ethan sighed. "It makes me want to vomit. How could I let myself become so disgusting? I'll never be good enough."

"You're good enough no matter what size," Simon affirmed. "No matter what you look like. As long as you stay true to yourself I don't care."

Ethan rolled his eyes and stayed silent, he couldn't be bothered to argue back. What was the point? All he does is ruin every situation so why should he argue again?

"I think you're handsome," Harry said honestly. "You're the most handsome one out of all of us."

Ethan ignored his friend's comment, unable to understand how his friends could perceive him in any way that wasn't a horrible and gross man.

"Can we stop talking about it please?" Ethan whispered, tired eyes watching his friends. They all nodded softly.

The group all started doing more activities with Ethan, eager to show their support during hard times. Simon would go to Ethan's flat and help him clean up. After Ethan had mentioned to the lads that sometimes he couldn't find the energy to do anything and that life seemed to go by faster then he was aware of, Simon decided that every Monday and Thursday, he would help Ethan out with basic chores. Ethan insisted that he didn't have to clean up but seeing his friend so enthusiastic about cleaning wasn't something he wanted to ruin. A weight was lifted off his chest when he realised that he didn't have to live in a dirty environment due to the fact he couldn't find any energy to clean because Simon was there to help.

"You don't have to clean after me, Si."

"I enjoy it though! It helps you out and I like doing it. It's fine honestly."

JJ encouraged Ethan to go to the gym with him. It started twice a week because Ethan wouldn't get out of bed otherwise. It started with JJ encouraging Ethan to go on a run with him, and then into the private rooms of the gym, and then the normal gym. JJ let Ethan go at his own pace for things before slowly going faster and adding more to his workouts. JJ made sure to emphasise that it was okay that Ethan wasn't as good as him but that he should keep trying. Ethan felt a great sense of achievement every time JJ pointed something out that he did well. Ethan didn't tell JJ explicitly how much he helped but JJ knew, he always knew.

"Jide, I can't do it. I'm so weak compared to you."

"Mate you got to 70KGs. That's something to be proud of. You are not weak at all."

Josh showed up every few days and sorted out every one of Ethan's emails and business calls that Ethan couldn't find himself to sort out. Ethan got a lot of letters and emails from potential sponsors and his managers. Josh helped Ethan sort through them, taking business calls that Ethan got too much anxiety from. The two of them sat at the table as Ethan sorted out whether or not he wanted to get involved with sponsorships or how to reply. Ethan often told Josh that he was the best at organising and so Josh came forward to help him sort everything out. Ethan was usually relatively organised but he couldn't find it in himself to sort business stuff out. Josh pulled through with emails and helped Ethan sorting through his mail. Ethan would have been in a lot of shit if Josh hadn't helped, a weight was lifted off his shoulders.

"So GymShark want you to promote a few new items, I've had that be sorted to deliver for next Tuesday."

"Thank you, Josh, I couldn't do this without you."

Harry's way of helping as he came over to Ethan's flat he helped Ethan with some self-care. Both Harry and Ethan would sit on the sofa with facemasks and a movie on TV. Harry would order food and tell Ethan to have a bath. Harry and Ethan would sit on the sofa and, if Ethan wanted to, they would talk about whatever was on their minds. If not, they'd chat shit and Ethan would listen to Harry rant about something stupid. Ethan would smile and feel all his worrying thoughts float away as he listened to the younger rant about whatever he wanted.

"And then she said I was being ridiculous, can you believe that?"

"Careful, Harry, you're smudging the facemask."

Vik often asked Ethan to go out with him. Whether it was shopping for groceries or just for a walk, Vik always offered for Ethan to come along. And if Ethan didn't want to, Vik would pick up the usual shopping for him, supplying him with necessities. Ethan would try and use the items that Vik brought but when Ethan couldn't find the energy to get out of bed, Vik would come round and cook him food. On other days, Ethan would go out with Vik on small days out to the aquarium or zoo. Although it wasn't his kind of day out, hearing Vik talk about his week grounded Ethan in a way he couldn't describe.

"I got a few videos edited yesterday so I'm ahead of schedule if you need any help."

"I'd appreciate the help, Vik, thank you."

Compliments were where Tobi shined. He would send daily compliments to Ethan and, when they saw each other in person, he would compliment Ethan more. Although the other's did compliment Ethan, Tobi went out of his way to come up with something original every time and think outside the box. It started with small things, an outfit or video idea, and then snowballed into much more. Tobi would compliment the way Ethan held himself or a personality trait Ethan had. He would also hype him up on social posting pictures of the two of them with heartfelt captions and compliments.

"I love the way you see things, gives us a better perspective."

"You think so, Tobi?"

The fans were confused with the sudden appreciation for Ethan going around on social media. Ethan felt loved by his friends which were a big change in his original depressed thoughts. Depression didn't leave hi straight away and it wouldn't ever but his friends helped him out of most depressed holes that came his way. Ethan wouldn't get better overnight and they knew that, so each day they would remind him how precious he is and he was worth it. And, after a while, Ethan started to believe it too.

#ethan payne #behzinga #sidemen #behzinga centic #ethan payne centric #ethan payne imagine #ethan payne fanfiction #ethan payne x reader #behzinga fanfiction #behzinga imagine #behzinga x reader #sidemen fanfiction

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hai-se · 4 years

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F/GO: Chronicles of a Master [Vol. 1] (pt. I)

Description: Has humanity fallen so deep into sin that others seek retribution against them?

Where is our salvation?

Where are our second chances?

Are we all created equal or are we all valued the same?

Why do we fight?

Why do I fight?

Will it ever be worth it?

The written diary of a master in Chaldea during their last leg. The one who was bestowed a burden that the world gave. They belong to no one but they belong to everyone. The secrets of Humanity's last master is told in the fashion of their diary. Fujimaru Ritsuka is only but a man filled with flaws like any human.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own fate grand order or any of its products as it belongs to Aniplex, or Type Moon or DW or Nasu.

The graphic designer of my cover is @TheDarkenIllusions

Pairings: N/A

Genre: Angst, Hurt and Comfort, Adventure

Warning: Gore, swearing, suicidal thoughts, depression, mental health, Spoilers for the game and light novels and manga.

Fandom: Fate/Grand Order and the Fate series.

Author’s Note: Can also be found at Wattpad under Hai_se_r__ and at Quotev at SiriusLyS. Also please don’t come @ me please lol, I just had this idea suddenly so sorry if my update schedule will be wack since there’s an Black Clover x FGO fic that I’m also working on which is my utmost priority rn since this series will have an irregular update schedule.

It's terrifying, I think, to land in a burning city with the smell of rotting flesh and iron flooding your nose.

To look around you and see nothing but fire and ashes, to hear the world scream in death. It makes your eyes water to see the world be nothing but chaos. There are some exceptions to chaos, sometimes order can be found, but in the chaos of the city we landed in, there was no order, just plain anarchy.

When I woke up that day, I wasn't expecting to suddenly be in charge of the whole of humanity. I expected to die in the command room with Mash, holding her hand and giving her company for her last moments in the physical plane, not to live and to have traveled back in time.

Right. Traveling back in time, that whole other mess that I didn't even cover. Singularities are an unobservable region that does not exist within Chaldea's recorded history. It's as if a hole has opened up within the timeline, a hole that is separate from the regular temporal axis.

They are sustained by a Holy Grail, which is given to a certain individual within a key historical time period, typically someone who will use it to cause major disruption to history and destabilize the Human Order Foundations.

The power of the Grails and the circumstances within the Singularities allow for the summoning of Servants and their continued existence in the world, even without a Master.

The emergence of large Singularities cause disturbances and fluctuations in time which spread out tsough history like a wave, and can cause other, smaller Singularities to emerge at other points in time.

Because of humanity's destruction in 2015, due to the collapse of the Human Order Foundation, we're forced to travel to Singularities in the past in order to fix the irregularities of history caused by various Holy Grails.

This is the start of the Grand Order where we, Chaldeans, would rise up against human history for the sake of humanity and to combat fate itself.

But it's just starting.

It starts at the city of Fuyuki, the flame contaminated city, the city of blood and war.

The city of servants and masters.

We had only finished clearing the Fuyuki singularity, a relief it should be, but we've been burdened with greater weight.

I don't know how to feel. I think I'm still in shock.

The prospect of meeting heroes and traveling back in time seems unrealistic, goes to show how brilliant Chaldea's whole existence really is.

Chaldea would probably look more amazing to me if I wasn't too busy worrying about the future. The staff would would probably be less crabby in a day to day basis if there wasn't so much pressure and stress on them. Dr. Roman and the staff are current researching the next singularity which is a whole load of night shifts and pulling all nighters, which puts so much stress. Dr. Roman's the one who told me to write in a diary you know? Says that in the end, no one is going to remember or know of the journey we'll take, only us and the ones who live under this roof. I think I'd like to write more than our journey.

It's a nice thought I think.

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, I suppose, to meet heroes from various eras, to meet your idols. It would sound good to anyone. It'd be the best way to catch fish someone, honestly, but then again who would believe of legends and powers in our era?

It's hard knowing that in the end, I'd probably remember this whole journey as a delusion and hallucination as I grow older and lose memories. The people I'll meet will be dismissed and the affections and the humanity that's expressed will fade into background. Maybe even the lessons I'll learn will only end up as ridiculed thoughts.

But....

It's not just me.

The journey to save humanity seems like a long path through treacherous obstacles but I'm not just fighting for myself right?

It won't be JUST me.

I'm not the one who carries the burden alone.

It's a lot of weight to carry the whole world on your shoulders. They say I'm the one who'll struggle the most but I think the ones who will are the ones who'll be in the command room, staying awake for hours on end and researching. They're homesick, tired, weary, exhausted, and most importantly, people.

They'll be the ones forced to watch on the sidelines unable to help anyone or anything, nothing to quench and quell their thirst to help, to do something.

But we have to be strong.

We have to give our best.

It has to be enough.

It will always have to be enough.

It can't not be enough.

To waver is to leave yourself open to your enemies.

I suppose watching anime and shows really do help real life.

'Till next time, I guess.

F. Ritsuka

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treadmilltreats · 3 years

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The Sam Bloom story of hope

I started writing this blog 8 years ago hoping that I may inspire others. I knew I wasn't alone out there with my feelings about coming out of an abusive relationship. I am a fighter, a survivor and so I love stories of survival, and of determination.

Recently I watched the Netflix movie Penguin Bloom, based on the real life story of Sam Bloom,

and her story that became a best-selling book – Penguin Bloom.

This was a story of despair but also a story of hope, and of new beginnings. It all started when Sam and her family were on vacation in Thailand in 2013. They were the perfect family, Sam and her husband were childhood sweethearts, they had 3 boys they adored and together they were an active family. They surfed together, played ball together, and rode bikes together but everything changed on that vacation.

Sam fell from a rickety balcony, and her world changed forever. Paralysed from the chest down, the active life she’d led before seemed lost, leaving her deeply depressed at the prospect of a life in a chair

But then something gave her hope in her darkest days, a tiny orphaned bird that they named Penguin. She was a wobbly-headed magpie chick who’d tumbled out of her nest. Her boys had found her by the beach and when no veterinarian would take Penguin in, the boys convinced Sam to let them nurse her back to health.

This little bird suddenly gave Sam a purpose, it drove her instincts as a nurse and mother to help bring the little bird back to health, and in doing so, it gave her the purpose of living again and the will to move forward with her own recovery.

In the book Sam speaks of what it was like to suddenly have her life pulled from her.

"My husband Cam went away last year for a job. I was lying in bed and I looked at an old profile pic of myself on Facebook and just started sobbing. It was like looking at someone you love, but they’ve died. It was really full-on and I felt like I was losing it. I often used to think the real me died in Thailand. I was grieving – I still am.

I was so bored for the first year after the accident. Before, I was active every day, independent and doing mum things. Boredom became my worst enemy, but when Penguin came into our lives it became her and me every day. Suddenly, I had something to do. She was with me all the time and was really good company. We would sing and chat to each other. Penguin listened to all of my complaints and she never accidentally said anything thoughtless in response to me"

This tiny bird changed her and her family's life, it gave her the help to go on and she decided she wanted to live again, to accept this new world she now had to live in, who she was now and let go of who she used to be.

She started by taking kayak lessons and soon her outlook on life began to change. She realized she could still do many of the things she had loved before. Not only that but in 2015 she got on the Australian ParaCanoe team, but lost out on the opportunity to go to the Olympics. She was devastated because she felt that was her purpose and goal, and thought what am I supposed to do now? But she didn't give up, still searching for something to give her purpose, she received a letter from Julian Wilson’s mum. (he’s the number three surfer in the world!). She told her to get back out there and try surfing again.

She went on to take back up the sport she has always loved, surfing. She won two World Para Surfing Championships (2018/20), after first making the Australian Adaptive Surf Team in 2018. She competes in the ‘prone-assist’ category, itself a precise illustration of the teamwork required in her sport.

This is a story about hope, a story of never giving up, a story of change and accepting that change. We all go through changes in our lives, we lose loved ones, our jobs, our dreams sometimes. Some of us hit rock bottom and it feels like nothing will ever be the same and many times it won't but you must have the will to live, the will to survive, to do whatever it takes to get past it, move on, try again and we all have that inside of each and every one of us.

So today my friends, I'm here to tell you if you're in that low place, if life has beaten you up and you think it's over, it's not. Just look around at the survivors out there, the Sam Blooms of the world, who face adversity and overcome it. You too can do that, we all have it in us, you just have to go deep to look for it, but trust me it's there as long as you don't give up, anything is possible my friends, anything.

"Be the change you want to see"

"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

**Now released my latest book**

The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

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***Now available***

My 1st book The blessing in Disguise

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doubleddenden · 4 years

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My decade in review. What a bullshit decade.

[[MORE]]

2010: I think I got my license, but that may have been 2009. I started spriting this year.

2011: went to my first prom. Sucked. Went on my first date. Sucked. Family starts falling apart

2012: graduated high school. Started college. Made a name for myself as a Spriter for a bit. Made a summer film project with a friend. Had a mental breakdown because I seriously thought the world would end.

2013: made a ton of friends, had a ballin year. Made a student film. Had my first paid job for a bit under some sketchy terms that led me to quit after a month of being underpaid and overworked. Lived in a dorm for the first time in my life. Had a 4.0 for the first time in my life. With the release of X and Y, my sprites start going unnoticed. However, I did complete a story... a very terribly written fan fic, but it was completed. We blew up a guitar.

2014: almost had a girlfriend, chickened out last second lol. Graduated community college. Started university. The worst mistake of my life. Turned 21

2015: family falls apart again even further. Sister actually disowns me for a bit after I was mislead by my mother. I have my first midlife crisis. Made a more permanent friend group. Sister "graciously" let's me back home. Started streaming a bit.

2016: tried graphic design. Failed super hard. Slip into a very deep depression

2017: decided to drop out and stopped giving a shit. Forced to continue after finding out I could graduate this year (after being lied to by a counselor claiming it'd be another 5 years). Depression gets so bad I start going to campus therapy. Really helped me to open my eyes. I went from all F's and a C to an almost PERFECT GPA for the semester and pass all of my finals ALMOST PERFECTLY, save for some formatting errors. My last day on campus was a snow day. Well. Week. Mom also kicked me out. Groomsman to my first wedding. Started a job hunt and failed.

2018: broken man gets more broken again. Sister causes more bullshit, i have to do what I have to so I can keep seeing niblings and keep a roof over my head. Mom disowns me to my face. Step dad calls me a sick bastard and my grandma tells me I'm going to hell, and I officially lose half my family. Groomsman to a second wedding where I have the time of my life and practically woo the bride's family for the groom. Sister moves off. I flew on a plane for the first time in my life. I got to travel a bit to Georgia, South Carolina, I think Tennessee or Missouri (can't remember), and Montana. Almost died of a hematoma. Failed to secure a job again.

2019: mom continuously harasses me for the year, I lose my insurance, I'm almost sued by school loans and have to go through a debt agency for help, and the house starts falling apart with pipe, water heater and water tank related issues. Dad and Aunt's health get worse. Visited some friends in New Orleans and realized I may not like a couple of them anymore. I have heart issues and docs literally gave me a runaround for 2 months saying go here, go there, we don't have results yet but you can still pay us, you're too fat that'll be $25. Discovered I'm sick all the time because I'm allergic to EVERYTHING and the only counter is to do expensive weekly allergy shots, which the family said no to. Had to drive my dad to a court house, help him hobble to a stand, and watch him declare bankruptcy. Tried and failed quite a few diets. Fixed up my Wii and Gamecube right at the end, though. Completed my first volume of an original work... that I'm scrapping. Failed to get a job again, but now it might be for the best so I can take care of my dad.

Conclusion: fuck the 2010's in its entirety. Fuck my former mother, fuck my family for treating me how they did, fuck school, fuck loans and loan companies, fuck doctors, fuck rich people, and most importantly:

Fuck me.

But also? I hate myself, but I'm also amazed what I endured. I endured soul crushing college and professors out for a buck who didn't give two shits about my success. I endured my family just treating me like SHIT and tossing me to the side like a sick dog. I endured heart break and friends moving off. I endured a fair bit of physical pain, too. I endured the absolute pit of depression and despair.

And I'm still not out of it. I know I'm supposed to write up how proud I am of myself for surviving but... nah. I'm gonna be real. None of this should have happened. I shouldn't have had to learn that family isn't permanent. I shouldn't have had to go into debt before I could even drink. I shouldn't have had to endure that endless heart break. I shouldn't have had to be diagnosed with depression. I shouldn't have had to pay thousands to come to the realization that my dreams probably won't come true and I'm just not as good as my younger peers. I should have been given a job. Several by now actually.

I guess I'm alive though. That's about all I can say. I'm beaten, bruised, and limping (quite literally limping actually). But I'm alive.

If there's anything I want from this new decade. Anything at all. I want this:

Success

Growth

Love

Romance

Money

Food

Travel

Better mental and physical health

Work that won't make me want to jump out a window

Friendship and to visit my friends everywhere

And to finally. Finally. Finish a book. Get it published. And be known for something good and positive. To finally be able to tell everyone who looked down on me as a kid, in high school or college, to finally be able to tell my family that disowned me and kicked me to the curve at their own convenience, to finally be able to tell myself: I made it. I made an impact on the world, and I will not be forgotten anymore while the rest of the world gets their happy ending.

My life's suffering has to amount to something. I refuse to go on another decade of bullshit. I want to succeed dammit. I deserve my happy ending. I refuse to die before I see it. I refuse to end another decade without getting there. I refuse to.

Please. I don't want to lose anyone else. I don't want to lose anymore. I don't want to be ashamed of being alive and having nothing to claim for myself. Just.

Let me win.

#vent

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