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themadauthorshatter · 3 years

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GUESS WHO'S BACK? BACK AGAIN WITH TOPPAT!CHARLES!?

Man, I do not know how long it's been since I last made a post on Toppat!Charles, but it's been a while!!!!

If you haven't read the previous parts, you can find them here:

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3: https://themadauthors-bitch.tumblr.com/post/634320381188161536/i-dont-know-if-tumblr-showed-it-or-not-but-here

Part 4: https://themadauthors-bitch.tumblr.com/post/634769620050558976/welcome-back-one-and-all

Part 5:

Part 6:

As usual: RECAP!!!

Henry acts on his plan to rescue Charles, said plan being to use the location of the clan's next big heist to get info or Charles himself. The plan went awry with the heist succeeding, Ellie getting severely injured, and Henry getting the snot kicked out of him by none other than Charles himself, who had given up on the notion that he would be rescued and stepped up to join his captors. Confused about and torn apart by Charles's and Ellie's words, we left Henry alone and guilty over the night's events.

HEAVY recap, I know, but one more thing before we truly begin: Two of the clan's previous leaders make an appearance in this chapter.

We good with all that? Great!

ON WITH THE STORY!!!!!!

We start off in the dead in night, in the middle of the dessert. Quiet and still as the moon shines high in the night sky.

Terrence Suave sprints on the sand as best as he can, panting heavily because he hasn't been full-fledged running in an eternity. CCC trucks are speeding behind him, but there is a bank truck ahead that just started driving and like hell Terrence isn't getting on it, especially if the truck is heading towards the city.

Nets and tranquilizers are being shot at him to retrieve him, but a lot of the darts keep bouncing off his augmentations and thankfully missing him and lqnding in the sand.

The CCC trucks are catching up, but Terrence continues running, tired and sore; his lungs burning and the stumps of where his arms and leg used to be are sore, not the metal, though there is a phantom limb feeling going on and it is not a good feeling to have right now; even if one of his legs are metal, the other is sore as hell.

He gets closer to the bank truck as its speed increases, Terrence letting out a yell as he jumps and snatches the latch of the door and hops on, holding on for dear life as he sees the CCC trucks slow and eventually turn around.

He heaves and breathes very fast and heavily as he watches the sky, noting the orbital station.

"Right," he says raspily, "you sorry son of a bitch."

CUT TO HENRY!!!

We find him watching with a hollow expression as Ellie is doing some physical therapy to help her leg; Charles is surprisingly one hell of a shot.

The two partners haven't spoken since the plan backfired and while Ellie waves at Henry, Henry only keeps his expression.

It's hard to live life when you can't stop living.

The words have had plenty of time to sink in.

Ellie and Henry are the same.

And Henry feels dumb for not noticing sooner.

"Whatever happened between you two, you better patch it up before that CCC guy gets here."

Henry looks over his shoulder to see Galeforce walking to stand beside him.

"Bill Bullet called. Even though the mission... didn't go as planned, he still wants to bring you into his facility."

Henry turns back to Ellie in time to see her trip and fall down, her leg shaking. She's been walking for maybe an hour and, while she has gotten stronger, she is also tired and needs to rest.

'Only if Charles came back here safely. That was our agreement.'

"Guess he can't wait."

Henry continues to watch Ellie help herself into her crutches.

CUT TO THE ORBITAL STATION!!!

Charles is standing in that cafeteria area that Right was in in the Free Man ending and staring at Earth.

The heist was a success. The clan got the sapphire. No one got arrested.

But Ellie got hurt.

Sure, she wasn't there to help him, but she was still busy taking care of the toppat, and she got injured, so there's that.

"Like the view, kid?"

Charles doesn't look at Right when he walks up to and stands beside him.

"Reg always talked about wanting a view like this. 'E really liked the sky. Night, day, didn't matter. 'E jist didn't want to be stuck on the ground."

Charles turns his head slightly. "How close were you two?"

"Closer than you and those two criminals were."

Charles looks back at the window, content to let Right keep talking.

"The clan was in shambles after the last leader took over. Reg 'ad some big shoes to fill, and 'e knew that. Didn't stop 'im from stepping up." Right leans forward on the glass with his arm, his head against forearm. "'E was better than the other leaders. Smarter. 'E got the clan back on its feet. Never met a toppat leader who took good care of the clan."

Charles doesn't look at Right, but imagine if this was a game cutscene or movie or something. We'd have Right be closer to the camera and in better focus with Charles beside him, but seemingly behind him, with how the shot is framed, and out of focus.

Charles is back in focus as he asks, "He was that good, huh?"

Right only nods, not looking away from Earth.

"If that's the case, he should've been more careful, then. None of this would've happened, if he was."

Quick as a flash, Right grabs Charles and smashes him into the window by his collar.

"Careful, pilot. You might be in the toppat clan, but no one 'ere'll stop me from throwing you out there."

Right glares at Charles for a second longer before letting him go and leaving the room with no more words spoken.

Charles resumes staring at Earth.

Sorry, Ellie.

CUT BACK TO EARTH!

Back to Henry sleeping in his bed. I know, I'm so original, right?🤪🥴

Don't worry, this time is different.😉

While Henry sleeps, someone quite rudely bursts into his room, waking him up.

Before he can draw the gun under his pillow, one cybernetic hand grabbing his mouth while the other holds down the hand that's going for the gun, and a normal, human knee digs into his stomach.

"Sorry to wake you up, but this is important."

Henry's eyes adjust and and he sees Terrence Suave over him, sweaty, ragged, and shaking from running for miles on end.

Henry stares at his father with wide eyes before using his free hand to write a message on Terrence's forehead: 'What. The. Hell.'

"Just stay quiet, okay? I have an idea on how we can get your friend back and keep you out of-"

Henry shakes his head and writes another message.

'It didn't work. He got away with the sapphire and won't let is help.'

Terrence sits back on his heels and pulls Henry up into a sitting position. "What happened?"

Henry looks at his feet and signs, 'We tried hijacking the heist they planned. I think they were expecting us. They got the sapphire and Ellie got shot. Charles was with them.' Henry starts choling up and his signing becomes rougher. 'He won't come back. He shot Ellie. He shot us both. He's one of them now.'

Terrence lowers his head and runs his fingers through his hair at the news. "That's... I... I'm so sorry." After a second, he asks, "How is she? Your friend Ellie?"

Henry shrugs before signing, 'Getting better. We aren't talking right now.'

"You should," Terrence states matter-of-factly with a scowl. "She's the only friend you've got left and she's going through something that'd be easier to deal with with someone there for her."

Henry glares back. 'She's been through worse. And what do you know about being there for others?'

Terrence rolls his eye. "We're really getting into this right now? What did she even do? The clan took the sapphire and not her, right?"

At this, Henry nods, slowly and shamefully.

"Then quit being a baby and man up. Don't you two want to get your friend back?"

Henry doesn't respond for a second, after which he signs. 'What was your plan?'

Terrence's face stretches into a smile. "You might want to throw some clothes on and wake up your girlfriend."

Henry blanches at those words, but doesn't get anything out as Terrence leaves the room.

Nonetheless, he gets up and meets Terrence and Ellie outside, the latter using crutches because her leg isn't strong enough yet.

Remember, neither have talked since the night of the heist, so both are silent before Ellie asks, "So, um, who's this?"

"Terrence Suave," Terrence replies as he ahakes Ellie's hand. "Although he won't admit it, I'm Henry's father."

Ellie's eyes widen as she looks between the two. "Huh. I can see the resemblance."

Henry shakes his head and signs, 'Plan.'

Terrence gives Henry a withering look. "All work and no play, huh?" When neither Ellie or Henry answer back, Terrence sighs; we're done playing around now.

"You remeber that Wall place you were held at?"

"How hard is it to forget?" Ellie groans back.

Despite the unnecessary amount of salt, Terrence continues, "I have a friend there that has connections with the clan."

"As in he got arrested?"

"As in I sent him there to spy so I could plan a heist on the treasury. Guess Reg and Right forgot about him." He gives a chuckle and rubs the back if his head. "And you give me snark for leaving you," he says to Henry.

Henry glares at his father before the gears in his head start turning and he starts smiling.

'I think we need to pack our bags.'

Ellie joins him in this smiling, as does Terrence.

CUT TO THE WALL!!

It is a LONG trip to get to The Wall, and a long process of explaining that they're only there for visiting, not arrest.

It certainly didn't help that Dmitri and Grigori had CCC guards and Bill Bullet at The Wall.

At the sight of them, Terrence quickly rushes Ellie and Henry into a nearby office and locks the door behind them.

"What was-"

"Okay," Terrence says slowly and under his breath, "change of plan. We're not doing this."

Where Henry rolls his eyes, Ellie bristles.

"Why not?"

Terrence mumbles under his breath, but both Henry and Ellie hear him say something along the lines of, "I kinda escaped, and now everyone's sort of looking for me."

Ellie cuts in, "You didn't think they'd look there first?"

"Give me a break, Red," Terrence barks. "I figured they'd be looking somewhere else by the time we got here."

Henry slinks past them and cracks the door open enough to look out into the cafeteria.

No wonder they overthrew you.

Henry watches Dmitri and Bill continue talking, the latter nodding at the former's words. When Bill looks over Dmitri's shoulders, Henry slips back inside and shuts the door; there are now more eyes than ever.

"What do we do?"

Henry gulps and shrugs before leaning back.

Terrence, however, is busy looking at files on a computer, specifically looking through the inmates that were arrsted during the time of Infiltrating the Airship.

I know. Great team dynamic, right? Best team ever, 10/10.

"Good news, I found Reggie."

Both Ellie and Henry turn to Terrence, who is very proud that he used a computer after so long and having only one eye.

"Twelfth floor. Just four levels down. If we're careful, we can take the stairs."

Henry shakes his head and points up to a vent, not in the ceiling, but close to it, on the wall.

He begins signing, but Ellie only looks confused as Terrence shakes his head.

"Not a good idea. You can crawl through just fine, but what about me and Ellie? How are we supposed to crawl around with this-" He points to his cybernetic leg, "-and that?" He points to Ellie's injured leg.

"What's he saying?"

"Apparently, our only option is to crawl our way to Reg through the vents, which is going to be impossible."

Henry signs agian, more frustrated now.

"We can't afford to be safe at the moment, if you haven't noticed." Terrence shakes his head and stage whispers to Ellie, "Close minded, just like his mother/father". (YOU decide if Henry's other parental figure was a man or a woman; I know toxic masculinity states men can't have emotional breakdowns that lead their kids into growing kleptomaniac tendencies, but I say FUCK TOXIC MASCULINITY).

Back on track, the comment APPALLS Ellie and makes Henry raise a fist, ready to swing-

"HEY!"

All three turn as the guard bangs on the door.

"HEY! WHO'S IN THERE!? OPEN THE DOOR!"

With no more options, the three climb up into the vent, Terrence and Henry helping Ellie before Henry and Terrence climb in, just getting into and closing the vent as the guard, Dmitri, and Bill enter.

"Strange, I thought there was someone..."

As the guard trails off, Bill takes a look at the computer and then the vent as Dmitri yells at the guard; the warrant's reputation has suffered enough already with Henry's and Ellie's escape.

Ellie is wide eyed as she covers her mouth, Terrence is scooting backwards as slowly and quietly as he can, and Henry only stares back at Bill.

"Is there something wrong here, Corporal?"

Bill is silent as he and Henry continue to stare each other. Neither move or blink.

"No," Bullet says after a long couple of minutes. "Nothing at all."

Dmitri turns his heel and leaves the room with the guard following.

Bill takes a second, though, and closes the page Terrence was on.

With a wink and nod to Henry, he leaves the room and shuts the door behind him. "Don't be so hard on your guards, Dmitri. Rookies are allowed to make mistakes."

No one in the trio speaks for a little while, but Henry gives Ellie a smile. 'We're gonna be okay.'

With her leg still healing and his body being more than half metal, Henry is alone as he retrieves Reginald Copperbottom.

CUT TO OUR FRIEND, THE PREVIOUS TOPPAT CLAN LEADER HIMSELF!!!!

Currently, Reginald is lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling of his cell, bored and hungry because the guards lost track of time again.

To say living in The Wall was bad is an understatement. Honestly, Terrence has had it better than our boy Reginald because at least the CCC crew cared about Terrence's well being and mental state. (They don't want Terrence going insame and causing chaos.)

The time alone has also made him incredibly lonely and made him realize just how much he's taken for granted. Having colleagues doing stuff for and with you being one. Privacy is another.

Mostly, though, he misses Right, not having him AS his right hand man, but just having him around.

But he's gone.

He remimds himself of that a lot, but that doesn't stop his mind from wandering back to Right.

Henry kicks the vent open and bursts into the cell, throwing himself to his feet like a badass.

At the sight of the guy who got him arrested in the first place, Reginald presses himself against the wall, getting as small as he can; he has no weapons, no one to defend him, and it's only him and Henry in the room.

"Wait! WAIT! Don't-"

Before he can finish, Henry grabs him by the collar and points to the vent.

"What? What are you saying?"

Henry groans and rolls his eyes before writing on Reg's hand with his finger, like he does with Ellie.

'Want to get out of here and see the Right Hand Man again?'

Reginald is silent for a second, feeling the world stop for a second.

"He... He's-"

'He's alive, yes! And he has my friend Charles!'

Reginald purses his lip and pouts as he 'hmphs' and turns his head to the window. "I'd say it serves you right, given what you did to the clan and my right hand man."

Henry slaps him for that one.

'It doesn't matter now. Do you want to stay here or see him again?'

On the intercom, Grogori announces, "Attention, everyone. There are intruders here in The Wall. Keep an eye out and report to the warrant once you find and apprehend them."

It makes Henry pale and Reginald smirk.

"GUARDS-"

Henry smacks a hand over Reginald's mouth and writes, 'LAST CHANCE. I WILL LEAVE YOU HERE, IF YOU DON'T AGREE TO COME WITH ME RIGHT NOW.'

As guards run closer, Reginald looks between the door and Henry, who hasn't broken eye contact ONCE.

This is his only chance of freedom, and, regardless of who's offering it, it is something he is going to look over.

Reginald nods and replies, "Alright," behind Henry's hand.

Both are gone when the guards arrive.

Inside the vent, Reginald groans in disgust as he crawls. "When do you suppose these were last cleaned? Is there no regard for good conditions here?"

Henry groans again and punched the back of Reginald's thigh.

CUT TO OUTSIDE THE WALL!!!!!

Ellie and Terrence are sitting outside as guards run around like ants, simply watching as they have acquired a truck. (HURRAY!!)

"What's taking him?" Ellie ponders as she rests her head on the steering wheel. "I hope he didn't get caught."

"He'll be okay," Terrence replies, much to Ellie's surprise because of his earlier comment. "He's smart. Knows what he's doing." He turns to her, noting the slight bags under her eyes. "You two really care about each other, don't you?"

Ellie shrugs. "Well, yeah. Honestly, Henry and Charles... are the first real friends I've ever had." She sits up and tips her head as she smirks. "Ever tried having a game night with a heist partner?"

Terrence hisses and winces at that as he leans against the truck. "Try having a party with FIFTY of them. Don't know what got stolen from my room, but I never got it back."

Ellie chuckles. "Some loyal toppats."

Terrence can't help but snicker back. "Indeed."

Ellie's smile drops as she remembers what Henry told her, and the earlier comment. "Did you... Did you know about Henry before he visited you?"

"Of course I did," Terrence replies, more than a little offended at the question. "He's my son. Why wouldn't I?"

Ellie turns to the road they'll have to start driving on and rests her chin on the steering wheel. "He's just... confused on why you picked the clan over your family."

Terrence chews on his lip at that, more specifically the word Ellie used.

"He said you told him life is for living."

"I did," Terrence agrees. "Guess we have different opinions on what 'living' is."

Ellie nods, though she's more agreeing with Henry's 'living' than his father's.

"And I didn't pick the clan. I chose it."

Ellie scrunches her nose. "Same thing."

"Picking is what you do in an icecream shop when you want cookies cough or mint chocolate chip. Choosing is when you decide whether or not you want to be somewhere because it makes you or everyone happy. Picking is what you do in a shelter when you look for a cat or a dog. Choosing is figuring out what cat or dog you want to take home and take care of. Picking is me jumping form person to person just so I can get what I want from them, valuable stuff of any kind, money, skill, you name it. Choosing is me staying with what I see as having more value that I could use at any given time. Make sense?"

Ellie nods after a second. "Was it worth it?"

Terrence points to her leg. "Was that worth meeting Henry, Mrs. 'Living with many lives?'"

Ellie narrows his eyes, and Terrence holds up his hands.

"Easy, girl. No. It wasn't worth it. And I know because I chose wrong. I literally remind myself every day that I chose wrong. Won't change a thing, though." He turns to The Wall, watching the guards. "If he messes this up, it's all over."

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!!!!!!

Henry and Reginald sprint towards the truck, Ellie and Terrence waving them over.

The sight of the cybernetic male halts Reginald in his steps.

"T-Terrence... Suave!?"

Terrence glares at Reginald and crosses his arms. "Hey, Reggie."

"Y-You... But, I-... You-eh..."

Henry taps them on their shoulders and points to the truck, signing, 'Save it for later! Let's go!'

Before Terrence or Ellie can ask why, the four hear motorcycles approach, Dmitri riding one as a passenger and aiming a gun at the truck they're commandeering.

Ellie starts the truck and gets it moving as Terrence skids into the shotgun seat as the truck picks up speed.

Soon, Henry and Reginald are both sprinting as fast as they can behind the truck with both doors open. Having had more training and in the time between FtC and this timeline of CtM, Henry can better keep up with the truck, but Reginald is falling behind fast. Henry grabs Reginald's hand and pushes the former leader into the back of the truck.

"Don't stop!" Henry shouts as he grabs a bit of leather or cord hanging off the truck's back door and pulls it down, closing it and surprising Reginald.

As the truck speeds away, Henry makes a turn and darts into the woods.

The motorcycles follow, however, though they're on a path and not through trees.

Henry is ducking, diving, and constantly zigzagging as he's being shot at while trying not to run into a tree. For a while, he does okay, good, even, only getting scraped by stray branches and grazed by bullets, one in particular hitting his cheek.

But we know all good things must come to and end.

Henry looks behind him when he doesn't hear motorcycles behind him, only to look in front of him and get a tree branch to the face, not enough to knock him out but he does see stars.

Dmitri gets off the motorcycle he's on and gestures for the others to stay where they are, circling Henry as he tries to stand up.

"I knew you were here the moment that guard found the office door locked. Clever of you." Dmitri kicks Henry in the ribs and sends him back into the ground. "But not clever enough."

Henry expects another kick when he gets on his hands and knees, but it doesn't come; a punch does when he manages to get on his feet, one right into his nose that sends him spiraling back to the ground.

Remember, Henry just ran for maybe ten or fifteen minutes and got hit in the face with a tree branch.

There would have to be a miracle for Henry to win this fight.

"How long has it been since you and the girl escaped? A year? Two years?"

"Not long enough," Henry groans to mostly himself.

Dmitri slams his boot onto the back of his head for that one, earning a wince from some of the guards.

"Sir," one asks, "shouldn't we hold him up in maximum security?"

Henry's brain kicks into hyperdrive, already showing him how he could possibly escape such a situation, but a hard stomp on his hand snaps him out of it, making him scream because with his mind living another life, his body went numb, like he didn't have those injuries or they healed. The stomp just make every injure ten times worse.

"You've all seen how slippery this one can be," Dmitri shouts, grinding the sle of his boot into Henry's hand. "He escaped before, he can do it again."

Henry tries pushing off Dmitri's boot as he suddenly realizes what's probably going to happen to him; normally he wouldn't be worried because we've seen him come back from getting shot, but with Bill Bullet around there's a chance they can make sure he dies and doesn't come back, with all the CCC lniws already about Terrence.

Dmitri notices this and drives a really hard kick into Henry's teeth, sending him backward before stomping on his face, ribs, and legs.

"You've ruined everything I've worked for since the day I saw you, Henry Stickmin!"

Dmitri kneels down and grabs the hair on either side of Henry's head, smashing him into the ground repeatedly as hard as he can.

Before you start thinking I'm being too unfair to Henry during this scene:

Henry swings possibly the best punch ever and knocks out some fake acrylic teeth Dmitri had to get put in. It catches tolhe warrant off guard, and gives Henry the opportunity to kick him away.

With some more punching, hair pulling, and head smashing, THE FIGHT BEGINS!!!

Even with a busted hand, Henry does okay, mostly relying on right hooks and kicks to fight. Dmitri, however, is able to use simple punches, jabs, and hooks to knock out Henry.

It's something like a stilted dance, as in there's a little bit of a pause before the next attack.

Bith men beat each other bloody, but it ultimately ends with Henry kneeing Dmitri in the side and kicking him back, AND DMITRI CHEATING BY HITTING HENRY WITH A ROCK. (NO FAIR, DMITRI! YELLOW CARD AND FIVE MINUTE PENALTY!!!)

When Henry's down this time, though, Dmitri wastes no time driving his knee into Henry's stomach and slapping his hands around Henry's neck. The action makes Henry gasp because of the sudden air loss, having the wind knocked out of him before getting his air cut off, and start thrashing around, gagging and making all those gross choking sounds that make your stomach flip.

"Look at you," Dmitri spits as Henry tries to break free, kicking the ground and scratching at Dmitri's wrists. "All you rats are the same, but it was you that did all this! You cost me everything! You made me lose everything!" Dmitri tightens his grip on Henry's throat, making Henry gasp loudly. "Allow me to return the favor!"

On the ground, Henry is very quickly blacking out and can feel it as he tries hitting Dmitri off of him.

His movements slow and his eyes roll back as his hand drops.

BANG!

Dmitri falls back as the guards take aim at where the shot came from.

More shots are fired, a some guards are taken down while the rest chase down the shooter, one ordered to take Dmitri back to The Wall.

Terrence climbs out of the trees and shakes his head at an unconscious Henry.

"Stupid, stupid idiot," he mumbles as he picks up Henry and slings him over his shoulders. "What were you thinking? What the hell were you thinking?"

Terrence walks through the trees as he carries Henry, silent all the way until he reaches the edge of the woods.

Bill Bullet stands waiting for him.

The two stare each other down, but Bill only stands with his hands in his pockets.

"You coming to take us back? We're a little busy right now."

"I can see that." Bullet sees Henry stir a little on Terrence's shoulders and fights the urge to smile; for someone who is so dangerous, he's so cute when he sleeps. "I guess genius over there has another plan?"

Terrence shakes his head. "It started off as my plan, but he had other ideas."

"Credit where credit's due."

After another silent stare down, Bill sighs and stands aside.

"He said he wanted his friend back safe before we brought him in. Better make this plan count."

Terrence nods as he seriously fights a smile and runs to where Ellie had left the truck, waiting for them both to get in so they can make like a banana and split.

#henry stickmin #completing the mission #toppat!charles #ellie rose #swearing tw #slight violence #HEAVILY implied Copperright

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aplaceforthesoul · 4 years

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Anonymous submitted:

uni and stuff.

Hello. I hope you reply. What’s your advice for all the people who is at a part of their lives where they don’t know where to take a leap towards somethong, whether they should take that step, if it’s worth it. When dhould they know that they should take the risks and do what it takes, at the same time, keeping in mind that not because they will take that risk, doesn’t mean that it will all be good from then on; - knowing that they’ll probably start from scratch, which isn’t a big thing anymore, since they’ve detoured already, traveled the other side of the road…at the same time being realistic and practical about this situation…work. etc. to survive.

What if they just need to find out whether that path they wanna take, for years, for so long, is for them, bearing in mind that it might not be — but better say, (from a video i once watched) “oh well” than ’“what ifs forever’.? I just don’t know what to do. Maybe some will think that, I’m still young and i have a long time. But for lack of better word, i don’t have the luxury of time. Gosh. I just want to forget all the times, until just this moment, all the times I’ve thought that why cant my parents helo me rather than, dictating me what to do. Im starting to have these evil thoughts: during my time, they werent even this supportive and they dont event agree so easily. (and the thought that maybe becaude i am a girl always pisses me off, but i dont think it is the reason) eversince my second or third year of highschool, ive dreant of studying another course. For me education is a big deal. Thats why until now, i am so sensitive when it comes to this topic. Before, i out so much effort, although lacking - because i havent had honors or awards since third grade. (grade 1-6 is primary, 1st-4th year is highschool) gosh. And my mind is now starting to have these thoughts. How its so unfair. Before i wanted to go to a concert, as a graduation and birthday gift in combined, and i asked. And my aunt just said that there were way too many people at the line. And i felt sad. And of course there were going to be so much people. During college applications, i wanted to go to this certain university in our province, i didnt even dream of going to a university in another region, hours and hours away, — because i know they wouldn’t let me, and i don’t think i can —or maybe i just thought of that because they havent really discussed with me about my college plans. I just sort of just applied and all. And i got accepted to that school i wanted to go to, because it has the program i wanna study. I even was qualified to be interviewed for scholarshio. And i submitted my papers. And my father even went with me. Then my documents was sent to the school. Day of the interview, i wasnt able to, i didnt go. I dont know which one honestly. I wasnt prepared, and there something i did that day, and maybe in my heart i felt that my parents didnt want me to study there. I honestly think up to that day is the reason, why i wasnt even able to tour that uni, to even step foot and see what my uni for the next four years would be. Gosh. This is all so childish. I even remember telling my classmate that id try out for the scholarship, and she even told me to live in the dorm where they would be staying at… Four years later, shes graduating in that courae i also want and here i am, trying to accept, everytime, sometimes, i still would cry. For the most part, ive tried not to regret anythinf. But im in my fourth year now. And i realized that i wouldve dropped everything if only my parents helped me and showed me that they support me, that they also want what i want. I even wanted to shift to my second choice (i got accepted for my first choice) and they didnt allow me. Maybe if they did, i wouldnt have regret it so much. That at least its one of my top choices to study. God. And now. I feel like they just support my siblings. Gosh. I wonder if all those years, i looked sincere whenever i say i want to study another course. (im sorry this is all so confusing.) if they wouldve told me that they will lend me college money, and id have to pay it back after graduation, jist to study the course i really want, i wouldve. If only it was a year earlier, that the new course in my current uni, was introduced, i wouldve dropped everything, even if im in my fourth year, id rather spend another 3 years, studying what i want than graduate next year. I dont ever see myself working for this field, this course, because all these years, ive realized, my motivation was to study the course i want after i finish this course, which im currently studying. At the first half, yes, ive thought of transferring. We asked for details and such. It just didnt work. Its what i want right now. So bad. Its what i need. I never have ever joined competitions exceot maybe until my early years of pirmary school. Never joined competitions or contests that they need to support me in, why cant they just support me. And with all that they say, just based on the things they say, i think its a blurry, unclear chance that id be able to study it. Just now, she said to me ‘ah, too bad, your sibling wasnt able to reach the required grade for *thiscourse i like that sibli ng chose as second choice* I WONDER IF ITS POSSIBLE TO TRANSFER THERE. ’ i then said its what i want. (to study that course) this last part, really, really, ticked me off. When it was my time, they were set on not letting me choose that course. I know i did well. I did my best. Did they not see that. They couldve just supported me. Told me the truth. I hate all the false truths they say. Almost nothing reactions. Heck. I wish these were all just a dream.

(its totally fine for me if you guys post this, (like make a post and then write your reply, if thats not too much, so others can read this too) it’s a long shot but i hopee this reaches you guys. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your help. Always. Reading your repsonses also helps me with similar problems i encounter, since 2013 i think. Thank you thank you

hi there <3 that’s a lot to think and feel all at once!

in short? I think the best way you know whether to take a leap or not, is to make sure that you’re making an informed decision. write down a pro / con list! write down all the reasons why you want to take this leap and all the good things that could happen, but also write down some of the risks and negative things that could possibly result in you making this decision too.

writing down the list of “cons” or negative things that could happen isn’t to scare you! it’s to encourage you to use your critical thinking skills, it’s to encourage you to problem solve :) so take me for example, I made the massive leap to move to the other side of the world to live in London! and for a long time I was unsure about my goal, I wasn’t sure how I could make it happen, there were risks involved and a lot that could go wrong. so I wrote a pro / con list: I wrote down all the things I thought would be a good thing about me moving, I wrote down some of the risks involved in making this decision, and I took it one step further and wrote down some possible solutions to those risks (should they ever occur). and in doing that? it made me a lot more sure and confident about my goal in moving to London, and I was able to make a choice and say yes, I’m going to do this, this can happen.

people sometimes underestimate pro / con lists? but I really think it’s such a good way to untangle confusing thoughts and to encourage critical thinking and problem solving, it makes it a lot easier when it’s laid out on paper in front of you. and if other people doubt you, like your parents? do it anyway! if you’ve done a lot of thinking about this goal and you want to take a leap and you’re informed about the risks, then it’s you who gets to make the decision about things. sometimes people are never going support you because they don’t have that desire for that particular goal and it makes it harder for them to believe in it, but that’s ok. if you want to take a leap and if you have goals that you want to achieve, then set out a step-by-step plan of how to get there and don’t let anyone get in your way. take care xxx

- tash

#advice #submission #goals #leap #risk

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neptuneisgay · 7 years

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Tumblr is not a diary, but im gonna use it as one anyways. I jist finished watching Skam season 3 (aka the best season for obvious reasons) and whats really sticking out to me is the last line "life .. Is now." and like idk but this line os just hitting me real hard. The whole time i was watching this season (which is literally just today cause i watched it all in like 6 hours) i kept feeling this ... Longing ... Craving?? God neither of those are good words but basically i just reallly wanted a relationship like Isak and Evens, like maybe without all the drama but like all the scenes with them cuddling or just holding each other just being in each others presences just made me long for a relationship so much more than i already was. But its not just that, this show as a whole just makes me realize how much im not living. Lile sure im breathing and i wake up every day and most days i eat and drink and occasionally i leave the house but im not living. The lyric or quote i cant really remember which "i wanna live not just survive" as cheesing and cliche as it is, is really the perfect example of how i feel right now, im not living im just surviving and even then its only barely. I want to live so bad. I want to wake up and have places to go and people to see and god i want to live without constantly wanting to die. Life is so short and i know this, but im wasting it, im wasting my life away, as dramatic as that may sound its true. But i dont know how to change it. Im homeschooled, all of my friends are over the internet, the last time i had actual human contact or even just a conversation with someone who wasnt my mom or my brother was October. October. It was 5 months ago. And before that it was 3 months. Before that 7. Im so alone and its killing me. And no one fucking understands because all of my friends have other friends, people who they see everyday and talk to and hang out with whereas im lucky to have one person whos not my mom just text me at least once a day. Im so isolated i feel like im drifting away from reality. My depression has gotten so much worse as well as a new symptom of disassociating. My anxiety has calmed down only because im to depressed to even have panic attacks. Everything scares me. I signed up to do some volunteer work and its taking everything in me not to back out because just the thought of having to go out and do something ive never done before with tbe knowledge that i dont know what the fuck im doing and that ill be completely alone with no one i know, makes me want to jump off a cliff because im so scared of messing it up. My mom wants us to join a church, she wants me to join this youth group so i can make friends and i dont know how to explain to her that im terrified of going there, because no matter how much i love God and i dont believe he hates me or that im going to hell for being who i am, i know that most churches and christians dont think that way, and even tho this church seems very progressive i cant find a single thing about their views on homosexuality and im terrified to go there and make friends and have that constant fear of what would happen if they found out, would they hate me, shun me, tell me im going to hell? And i cant explain this to her because she doesnt get it and no matter how hard she tries shes never going to get that fear. That fear of going to a place where the likely hood of everyone there thinking that your an abomination, something disgusting, and wrong is astronomical. And just im so scared of everything. Im scared to go back to school, sometimes the fear of school and getting there and just failing everything is so bad i think maybe it would be better off if i just died before i can fail. Im so afraid that im not enough. For anything. Im not smart enough. Im not pretty enough. Im not kind enough. Im not strong enough. Or fast enough. Or good enough. Im just not enough. And no amount of studying. Or training. No amount of hard work and determination that adults are always shoving down our throats is going to make me enough. Im so scared of failure. And thats it. Thats my biggest fear. If you ask me in real life what my biggest fear is ill probably say needles, or the ocean, or alligators. But its not. Sure im afraid of those things. But my biggest fear, the thing that keeps my up at night, that keeps me from living and trying, is that no matter how much work i put into to something no matter how much time and effort i put into things, that i can give everything i can possibly have to give, that i can give everything in me there is no more work to be done no more effort to be put in, ive done everything i can do, but it still isnt enough. There is no try harder this is all the try i have. This is me at my full capacity, all of my capabilities are front and center, and its still not enough. Im just not enough. And i never will be. .. And then theres the flip side, the flip side that tells whilst not being enough i am also simultaneously too much. Im too loud. Too annoying. Too clingy. Too energetic . i talk too much, too fast. Im just too much for people to handle. And thats why everyone leaves. Im just too much and not enough all at the same time. I give people too much of all the things they dont want, and not enough of all the things they do. And how do i live knowing this? How do i put myself out there and life this life thats actually worth living when i dont even think i was made for life at all. .. So ya thats the end of the diary entry. If you read this far; im sorry it was so long, i talk too much.

#haley gets personal #theres nothing else to add to the tags i gueess #except that its 3:29 am and i should reallu bee sleeping #and that that was probably the wrong use of an oxford comma but im not smart enough to know how to use it properly.

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