#it doesn't do my related mental illness/trauma stuff any favors!

[the-moogle-of-your-nightmares]

i am at this point very certain that i am legitimately, actually cursed. the only degree to which this is metaphorical is that there's not a word for it that doesn't imply supernatural means, instead of ones that can be explained by science but haven't been yet.

#moogletalks #venting #negative #like. i have much; much; much evidence by now that this isn't a mental illness thing #it doesn't do my related mental illness/trauma stuff any favors! #and it's actually something that over the last few years has *motivated* me to put a lot of good work into addressing that #but this particular pattern has been escalating over the last few years in particular #and by now is a hundred percent reliable #it happens like clockwork in very specific ways that i have observed over and over and over #to the point where i will calmly and in full practicality mode say 'i am going to pay for this before long' and every time i do i am right #when that doesn't occur to me; it happens and i get blindsided by it #and then after a few minutes tops of thinking about it i can go 'god damn it i know exactly what caused this one' #this is happening. it is a fact. and i'm so fucking exhausted of not having words for it or knowing what the mechanism is #fucking i hate this. anyway my health condition from a few months ago has flared up again even worse than before #in retaliation for exactly the same *things* as before #and this time i'm at significantly higher risk for becoming quadruplegic! #and last night in retaliation for a particular thing that had happened less than 24 hours beforehand i've stopped sweating! #and i don't know if it will be permanent! #and as proof that it's in direct proportion to what it's retaliating against #a smaller; less life-changing hope spot than the things that've been retaliated against w/ Extreme Shit; which happened within the last week #led to me finding one of my fish dead the next afternoon #i am not kidding or exaggerating about this. It's Happening #medical stuff cw #health issues cw #pet death cw

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly, the thing that is kind of funny about this whole situation is that my fiance (who has been on disability leave due to previously mostly repressed C-PTSD stuff coming up and hitting him like a truck) is lately realizing he is largely really set off with "leaving the nest" and is really dealing with that "I fuck everything up" line of trauma centered thought - and so a lot of the time, he really needs a break from responsibility and making decisions and being organized and on top of things

That on its own is NOT funny, but a large aspect of our latest blip in mental health is that we are really really sensitive to being in situations where we are expected to follow, lead, and be guided and being in that subordinate position can just be really anxiety inducing - which has been the case at work for me which is why Lin's mostly covered for me the past two days at work.

And that ALSO on its own is not that funny

But the timing of it results in him needing / wanting a lot of care and to throw all the decision making out the window and let someone else take care of it so he can relax and decompress and me needing a place of control and decision making and independent responsibility to remind myself and reaffirm that I am safe.

And so we are both like "we don't make this a norm, but because we are both not doing well and we both need a break, lets make this a win win even more than usual"

Essentially, he is freaking out going "I am forced to be more independent than I am ready for" and I am going "I am forced to be more dependent than I can cope with" and us just like "..... trade?"

And it's really relieving honestly.

A bit of a vent below the cut that is semi-related

But man I have been Going Through it. Still not sure if it is "me" - but I'm pretty sure its me + a fragment of some sort doing what we colloquially call "hijacking" and its not uncommon for EP fragments to do that.

But honestly dependency scares the ever living fuck out of me and I've realized that even though being in a subordinate role does not make me "dependent" it doesn't register as much different and it just convinces my emotional brain and mind that I am absolutely not safe.

And it's really frustrating honestly, because - with most of our other triggers - when we are triggered, typically the best thing would be to rely on our support network to help us take it easy. But when it comes to this, doing that would often exacerbate it.

I'm honestly lucky that my fiance is honestly the only one of the few irl people who can give me really any care without me immediately building a wall around me so thats been working in my favor and has been immensely helpful in letting us down regulate some.

Also I just realized that I am super tired and keep loosing my train of thought so Ill stop rambling

#alter: riku #riku rambles #vent #vent tw

[yisanged]

wait i wanna hear your judgements on all the milgram characters now because im curious and i feel like it actually says a lot about a person. if you wanna

yes hi sam hi. okay.

well first i want to say that i'm not super knowledgeable on all the theories and analyses out there so there might be stuff i'm missing that would change my opinions. i am still kinda lost on where exactly you get access to all the milgram content so there's a lot i'm not in the know on. second is that i don't think it's really fair to judge whether or not the characters are forgivable especially since we don't know all the details yet. i obviously learned about milgram a bit late but i would've voted innocent for all of them honestly because like. they all caused the death of another person for sure which is obviously Bad. but i feel like we don't really have a right to form opinions on whether they're forgivable or not. there's still a lot we don't know about their individual circumstances and even if we did know everything we're not even involved other than as outside observers so idk it just doesn't fully sit right. even if they are fictional characters created specifically to be judged by us. so yeah i would've voted them all innocent and i probably will for trial 2 too unless shit starts hitting the fan. of course i do have opinions about each of the characters beyond that and i will be glad to share them 💯

my favorites first. haruka is. scrunkly. fr. his presumed crimes are beating that dog to death and drowning/choking his brother which i think on a personal level is one of the worse crimes out of the characters? but i like him so it's okay. i'm interested in learning more about his situation and character his first trial video left me wondering about that stuff the most out of all of them. amane. ouugh. religious trauma always gets to me in characters. people who said she needed to get voted guilty so she learns the consequences of her actions or whatever are so annoying... like yeah sure that stuff is important i guess but. you think the best way to teach morals to a 12 yo raised in a cult is by slapping her with the guilty and unforgivable label after she gets kidnapped to a strange prison??? while not even knowing what might happen to her after she is voted guilty????? seriously what did they do to her i might kill. anyways. futa. he's a twitter user and he has a black and white sense of justice and thinks he has the authority to judge someone as good or bad. none of those are points in his favor but idk i still really like his character for some reason. i think if he made some friends and stopped going on social media he would be mostly fixed honestly. mu i also really like not for any particular reason... i mean she seems kind of spoiled and whiny but idk. i just like her. being the odd girl out is a relatable experience for me. she's pretty and her song was one of my favorites. these four are the ones i care the most about and want to learn more about

the rest..... i never had any strong feelings towards mahiru in the beginning but i feel kind of bad that she was one of the few that got voted guilty like the way she said things along the lines of if you leave me i'll die and i can't live without you was kind of. uh. but i didn't think her crime seemed that unforgivable especially compared to some of the others that didn't get voted guilty? idk. i mentioned not liking mikoto and i stand by that. i don't really buy into the mental illness/multiple personalities theories and i'll honestly be kind of disappointed if they turn out to be true that's such an overdone and harmful and annoying murderer trope. i think he's just a guy that likes violence and killing and is really good at lying about it after. which is pretty slay for him i guess. it just annoys me how many people latch on to the mental illness thing and it annoys me even more how many people are horny for this guy. they're probably the reason i don't like him actually other than that i don't really have anything against him. i'm not a hardcore yuno fan like she doesn't make me normal but i do love and support her. i like kotoko too the vigilante type thing i'm pretty sure she has going on is interesting but. i know i said i would vote them all innocent but i don't love that her getting voted innocent is leading her into thinking she's working with es behind the scenes i don't think she's that trustworthy. shidou. organ harvester possibly? medical malpracticer most definitely. i don't know i guess i'd want more details before saying anything else i don't have many thoughts about him with what we have right now. i don't really like kazui on a personal level but his story does interest me i want to know more details. es is there. i'm curious about what the story there is and all but they honestly don't interest me that much beyond the standard amount.

anyways this has been my opinions on the milgram characters. it's not super in depth i just kinda briefly touched on my main thoughts because this answer is already too long i am so sorry. but. yeah. i hope you still think im cool

#owww ow yowch....! thoughts about media #SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. characters make me so. #ask