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suhnnyskiess · 4 years

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Its July 7th 2020

and i just think its time for me to idk verbalize my thoughts bc to be honest i haven’t been feeling well this past few days and- idk its just weird its almost as if i didn’t feel like i deserve or i have the right to feel sad.

I honestly don’t know what's making me feel this way. I have been taking space? away from social media i have been active just on stan twt for the most part. I just want a break, from what? God knows what lol but i kinda feel guilty? for y’know, not telling my friends i feel this way? like literally it took me a week to finally accept this TO MYSELF who knows when i will feel able to express myself. The worst ? or maybe not the worst but its just so idk unfair??? that i preach all this “communication is key” speech and here i am not telling a single soul i feel like shit and i am in constant burden over things i cant achieve, like it's not fair to them that i just fucking disappear when they have only been supportting y’know?

Like i also understand its most likely just my anxiety acting up and making me feel like a burden when my friends have already stated to me that feeling sad its not a burden but its just so freaking hard. I still can’t idk let myself feel weak, bc it only shows i can’t do it all, when i feel like i should do it all i am able to do it all. This sucks tbh, like i know i need to learn to trust in people, because they never have given me any reason to not trust them but my brain says “nah don’t trust them” so i end up just feeling sad alone, when i could be feeling sad with company ??? i guess.

I think i will speak with my closest friends tomorrow, explain to them that i haven’t been distance with the purpose of ignoring them but because i actually haven’t been feeling well and i just hope they wont hate me after it lol

#iroxmiranda talks #me #personal #idk im sorry to bring sadness to TL but no one even reads me so this is more for future reference than for you

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suhnnyskiess · 4 years

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Life is really complicated sometimes. With recent events going around (health crisis, human rights activism, feminist activism too, etc) Idk i feel with a whole lot of mixed feelings.

When i was still in school (15-16 y/o at best) i was SO blinded by my privilege lmao, i used to believe everyone grew up in a big house with TV and cable, WiFi and had takeout at least once a week. I am not ashamed of who i was, because it was part of me and i can’t just pretend it did not exist, but i gre out of that pahse and now as a 19 y/o going on 20 i feel really confused. I’m sorry if i make typos, this is a self indulgent post bc i never post stuff here and its too long to be a tweet lmao.

For example, Capitalism.

In school i finally paid some attention in my hs senior year and i grew aware of how awful the system we live in is. Which now makes me have mixed feelings with the music i lisent to, like take KPOP idols for example, the kpop industry is such a wasteful in materials and non sustainable for the planet its such a peak of capitalism and how they exploit their idols just because most of them genuinly want to make music so they go and sell their souls to the capitalism world we live in. Which makes me sometimes feel bad about supporting them, becuase me supporting them (by buying things that are one use only for example: posters, stickers, photocards, etc)

So i always end up rethinking if i should really be supporting them, bc if i do it means i support the system when in reality i just want to support them alone bc i like them as artist, i like the persona they portray (bc lets be real Korea would never let them be as truthfull as they want to be)

Korea is such a conservative country i can’t believe i wanted to study there, i would just be stared @ by old ladies bc i’m brown and latina. Like Korea is so full of male chauvinism and so homophobic too like ??? Capitalism gave birth to male chauvisnm and you cant change my mind. Which leads to the next point.

Feminist movement

I actually am thankfull of paying attetion in my senior year, learned so much more of the feminist movement and even started to actually speak up sometimes. So, having to deconstruct myself these past years haven’t been easy but i’m still conflicted.

I have friends that are way into the privilege bubble or in their micro male chauvinism bubble, bc they sometimes make some “jokes” about womans bodies or how girls “are such aslut for doing ____” and i’m still scared to speak up.

Shouldn’t i be able to speak up? Knowing what they are saying is wrong? Because the times i have done it they always and up with the “You take everything so seriously” or how can we forget the “You can’t take a joke”

Luckly, my closest friends were never that kind of way, but some of them still live in their bubble and i try to leave hints like “Hi ur dad is a jack ass, you should know that” with a lowkey tone because i do understand they grew up in adifferent enviroment BUT thats not an excuse to be a jackass lmao we are in the 21th century FFS

Racism/Clasism

Technically speaking my country is not neccesarry into the criteria of racism (completly) because what i see more here is the clacism.

People feel entitled to be superior to tohers just bc their families live in the richer areas or have more money than others or whatever.

I feel kinda sad i wanted to fit in in that kind of world when i was a kid, i saw many others with new phones or brand new clothes and i wanted that so bad, i was so envious for material objects lmao clown

Ofc now i am ware that no matter where i come from and what i have im not either superior nor inferior to anyone, bc we all are equal.

MY POINT HERE IS THAT, even in 2020 i see many being classist, saying white wome are prettier (becuase if you are tan it means you work in the sun, you are poor) or how someone “Could never use public transportation bc its disgusting” (and yes i heard that from a classmate) and it makes me think y’know, how many people are out there being judged just bc of their income, their job, their neighborhood, etc. Its just DUMB

In conclusion:

I’m still lost and i never know what should i believe in or even if the things i believe in are okay or things i support, we all are equal, we all deserve the same things and please remember that.

#like i just want to find peace #black lives matter #POC lives matter #POC have rights #iroxmiranda talks #me #personal #idk these are just thoughtsm its just an opinion lmao #opinated but always spilling straight facts as mark would say

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