#in the real world too im a big proponent of divorcing ideas of goodness from empathy levels

[lilliryth]

Seeing as I just got my diagnosis of level 1 autism (what used to be called “Asperger’s”) coincidentally at the same time that my partner and I started watching NBC’s Hannibal series, I’ve been having a couple thoughts about neurotypical vs. neurodivergent experiences regarding “toggling” different emotional responses. Motivation, empathy, fear, etc. are malleable to some, fixed to others; and sometimes, to those who aren’t born with an automatic reflex in one area or another, it’s a little like breathing or blinking on purpose.

Sometimes (and I think this is the autism at play, now that I have a chance to reframe most of my behavioral tendencies in a new light), someone will tell me a joke, or mention something funny—you know how it is, something genuinely funny—enough to “tickle” my internal sense of humor. But sometimes, even though it does, I feel no physiological urge to laugh.

So, when that happens, I kind of just … pull one out manually.

Sure, some people might think it’s disingenuous. One might make the claim that I don’t actually feel any appreciation for the joke, and instead it is societal pressure to placate the other that motivates me to do it. But the thing is … it’s not. It just isn’t. Even if it doesn’t sound like amusement without dialing up my affect, I do find it funny. It’s just that sometimes a wire in my brain doesn’t quite connect, and I have to push to make the appropriate Human Sounds in order to indicate that I just experienced humor.

The sensation is there, but the action is mindful. Even if I slip up or forget or aren’t diligent enough with how it sounds, I know for a fact that I did find the joke funny, even if the teller thinks I’m only politely going along with it. From what I understand about identifying emotions, it would seem that there is no difference between a choice and a reflex.

This is one example. There are many others, and they all relate to different experiences and emotional deficits. Fake laugh? Ehhh. Intentional laugh? Oh, definitely.

And I think sometimes, for certain individuals, loving is a bit like that, too.

#so yeah basically i really want to believe in mister people eater’s ability to care #even if his demonstrations are #to put it mildly #avant-garde #hannibal #neurodivergence #autism #adhd #personality disorder #aspd #masking #empathy #in the real world too im a big proponent of divorcing ideas of goodness from empathy levels #the way iq is your comprehension and not your intelligence #and in fact #i try not to use the term ‘empathy’ at all #unless it’s literally in reference to how much a person can reflexively feel someone else’s emotions #because ‘compassion’ #the tendency to #by choice or impulse #put in the work required to understand and accommodate someone #is a much better word #if you’re severely antisocial and you have a friend #and the ‘only reason’ you keep them around is because they ‘benefit’ you #but you also understand that treating them like shit will make them not want to be your friend #and therefore make an effort to consciously act as though you care how they feel #guess what #that’s love #you’re willing to accommodate because you like the world better when they’re next to you #that’s love.