#in hindsight this was not so much ‘messy lesbians’ as ‘lesbian exes’ | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kendrixtermina · 5 years

Text

Once in a while I remember how ridiculously homophobic my father used to be.

I mean you always try to be of your own biases and that you’re not just saying things because you don’t like a person or are angry at them and I mean in the last five years that I haven’t spoken to him I’ve been actively TRYING to forget all about him and think of him as little as possible just for my own sanity and blood pressure. But once in a while I stumble across some memory of how terrible he actually was.

He was singing the praises of Putin, describing gay people as being the same as pedophiles or marrying horses, and having “broken brains”, shooing us away whenever he thought to have spotted any remotely gay-looking couple, supporting anti-gay politics - he even tried to forbid my grown-ass mother from watching a TV show that had a lesbian comedian in it. The show had nothing to do with lesbianism, that woman was just existing there, cracking jokes. My mom mostly ignored him when he wasn’t at home because the show was funny and she wanted to watch it.

He once publicly humiliated me at a party because he thought two of my ten-year-old classmates might be evil lesbians who would necessarily molest my baby sisters. Like in hindsight I also think he just wanted some excuse to keep me from having parties and/or friends, period, cause that’s the sort of abusive controlling dipshit he was. He was fuming and trying to come up with some excuse to end it the whole evening but mom wouldn’t let him throw a tantrum over not liking the music. That was pretty much the last time I tried to invite anyone over or to have a social life anywhere other than the internet, where he couldn’t ruin it for me.

He thought ten-year old changing into swimsuits into the same room must be gay and told me to turn around or wait till the others were gone because of the evil lesbians.

Like as a child I already saw it as him being evil and backward, but like, toward innocent strangers, because after all I still liked boys. I felt morally angry but not personally slighted.

But like no. He meant ME. He was calling ME a pedophile. And worse, my BABY SISTER whose name he frequently threw around like it was the dirtiest insult. He was saying people like ME and HER should get murdered in the streets like it happens in russia. That didn’t fully hit me until much, much later.

I actually lived in a house with someone who thought THAT about me.

I guess the thought didn’t come up for a while because i thought I’d be with my ex forever and he just happened to be a dude so i didnt think id have to worry about experiencing that sort of crap

When I let it slip I was lucky enough to get the “its just a phase / it doesn’t exist / youre just an edgy teen but actually hetero” kind of biphobia but that’s because I didn’t exactly go around telling everyone about my crushes on girls. I mean it still stung like his general insistence that my whole personality including every independent thought I’ve ever had is just a temporary fluke until I turn back into his ideal stepford daughter but after spending years expecting to be terrorized it was kind of anticlimatic. I mean it took me a while to figure out the label heaven knows what would have happened if I had said “I am a lesbian” instead.

This is a man who has thrown me against walls, pressed his hand over my mouth and nose so I couldn’t breathe, grabbed me by the head/hair to throw me against a cupboard, tried to have me institutionalized to get rid of me and made lots of lewd, inappropriate comments about my body pretty much constantly from ages 10 to 20. (the latter being when I stopped speaking to him)

He’s so utterly coocoo bananas I once asked him to translate me that song that was constantly on the radio (I believe it was “Last Christmas”) and he told me it was evil and satanic because it describes a man had more than one single girlfriend in his whole life.

If perchance anything adverse had ever happened to my mother I would be DEAD MEAT now and I used to live in terror that they would one day snap and murder each other, like there were instances where objects were thrown in an argument, or where he broke things that belonged to us to “teach her a lesson”, including once my favorite toy. It was my favorite thing ever (I was like nine), it was in pieces, he’d thrown it down the stairs and it was clearly understood that this violence and rage was directed at me and mom. Even if he didn’t choose to direct it at us physically, it was there and I could never forget it.’

I lost like 20 kilos in the years right after moving out without making any deliberate effort, like I believe that was all stress hormones and stress eating and eating whatever at night to avoid him during the daytime. It was a messy and ugly recovery process especially the first months, but I remember being so utterly relieved that i could go fetch food or toilet paper without having to go downstairs and risk encountering him and be yelled at and degraded just for existing.

I just haven’t thought about it in years which I suppose is a good thing it just sorta came up in my train of thought like I was so used to being frightened and angry all the time I don’t know how I survived it, like im a sensisitive emo softie i was useless for months because of some stupid boyfriend and i was the one who dumped him (though he made it very necessary), ill get my day derailed super easily because of some minor shit, how did i ever get out of bed in that mans house? how the hell did i do any of the many things i clearly recall doing in my childhood and adolescence? how wasnt i just screaming or crying the whole twenty years?

I no longer comprehend.

like am i just starting to get old or what?

i mean i do think lots of ppl (particularly relatives whom I didn’t see that often) did say that i looked much happier since i moved out but mostly attributed that to my boyfriend, its not like i can really tell i wasnt staring myself in the face the whole time

sigh.

I just wanna be an useful member of society someday

#homophobia #biphobia #abusive father #feelings #abuse #tw: abuse

5 notes · View notes