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self-h-rmageddon · 2 months

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i know i just said im not ashamed but im SO ASHAMED you have no idea. over what? it

i have this weird mindset where like. if someone gets to know me for one particular things, whether it be a specific fandom or even just DRAWING HUMANS, i feel like i can never ever share my other interests with them cuz.. what if they dont care? i wouldnt blame them i cant make anyone give a shit about what i do but. ITS TERRIFYING TO ME.. so i just avoid it but. its leaving me very.. unfulfilled? like HORRIBLY, ive set aside a lot of my other interests because im . i dont care what strangers think, fuck you suck my dick but. people i know? people im close with? i know why i do it, hes right it feels like a test and tests can go wrong!!!! what if i test the waters and its not received positively? i cant bear the thought of any part of me being unappealing to my loved ones, genuinely it keeps me up at night fearing that some small thing might just switch it all off overnight its the worst thing ever.

i know its not healthy to just... shove myself into this little box but in my head, thats why they want! in my head its a good thing, i need to keep myself presentable and perfect, as perfect as someone like me can get anyways

maybe thats why i feel like i dont exist without them? ive literally pushed away anything i think they WONT like or even wont care about, ive just.. dropped it all. fear, it just comes from fear, but whew!!!!! exhausting

im not proud of this, i wish that changing myself to fit what i THINK someone wants wouldnt come so naturally to me but it does, i wish my brain worked differently

i just. i need to LOOK OUT for myself. the worst pain i can experience is rejection, its amplified 10000% it feels like. i know ive said before id rather relive all my trauma than feel rejected at all, and thats still TRUE i cant handle it.. as unfortunate as it is, bpd just makes me sensitive. theres like no other way to word it, i am SENSITIVE my skin is fragile its made of glass, i cant take criticism even if its GOOD because it hurts me to think that something i did wasnt good enough, it makes me sick actually!! i need to protect myself, i need to hide the parts of me that could be damaged like that but.. hiding parts of yrself doesnt feel good, does it? im scared of that pain, i dont want to face it.. but it doesnt feel nice to lose myself cuz i think its what someone would want

in my head this is how it goes, i do something, its received poorly (rejected), ouch!!! first of all. second of all, rejection cracks my image, it opens me up to the possibility of being left behind. bpd is all about black and white thinking. the good is the best and the bad is the WORST. it feels shameful to admit how my brain works but it . its true, its the truth. if someone doesnt like something about me, even if its SMALL and they dont actually care, in my head it means they basically dont like me, they must hate me! they must hate me and theyre probably gonna leave me since theyre so disgusted with me for.. what? being a furry? yes!!!!!!!!!! it goes from 0-100 so fast, its scary

but.. i really DONT feel like i exist without them. if im not talking with them about our things, im working on my things they know and like alright im never really doing anything else anymore.. like. why am i so ashamed to just... be a human with interests? im scared, scared the smallest thing will just... take it all away from me, yknow? as much as id LOVE to ramble about my ocs and stuff that ive never really talked about, that shame persists. its too strong, i end up just deleting the post or hiding it in drafts, i cant bring myself to share because im scared

i know its really dumb but. its what we're working with rn!!!! mild disinterest = rejection = abandonment, what a vicious cycle!!! i get it now guys omg.... all the bpd girlies who mirror, i know i mirror too but i never really like. GOT IT until now, i mirror cuz im afraid to be something they wont like!!!! it is all so clear to me now. doesnt make it better but whatever. maybe ill be brave one day, but idk

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thisdogpaystaxes · 10 months

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i work really hard and i can't win. i'm doing really bad at work learning my new position that i busted my ass to get and i feel so dumb and i can't even try to talk about it bc i cry bc i'm so sensitive to it bc i really want this and i want a good work life balance but i can't have that if works not computing. i haven't been able to work properly in months and it's bc i haven't been taking my adderall.

i transfer for my new job on monday. I DONT HAVE A CAR! my fucking car is still broken and being worked on. i've poured my savings into this car, my savings that i'm trying to use for school. the one thing i care for most. school. my fucking little dumb seemingly unattainable dream of being a therapist :D how am i gonna get to work bro.

i start grad school in three weeks and i'm so scared. every time i try to get mroe familiarized i'm interrupted by some shit. it's so expensive and i fear nothing will click bc nothing is at work. i'm scared that if it does click, i'll still struggle because i'm working 40 hours and i don't know what i'm even doing. i feel like i'm pouring money into the one thing i want most and i'm gonna fuck it up!!!! this is all i want!!! i just want to be a therapist so fucking bad but there's road blocks!!!

i know i need to be patient and grind for what i want but i'm gonna fuck it up! BC GUESS WHAT THERES MORE

my cyclothymia is doing its thing and i'm really sad and depressed and unmotivated and i can't feel properly. i've been with this guy for a few months and he's awesome. he treats me perfectly, he takes care of me, he gets along with my family- and is also a lot older than i am. but that's not the problem. i just can't do a relationship and ** ***** high key like things just haven't been the same i just randomly stopped feeling the same way about him but he's so in love with me and i thought i felt the same but then i saw my friend and her partner and it made me realize i'm not :) i know what i'm like when i'm in love and immm jsut not. or maybe it's different but he's not the one i don't think and now i'm like oh

but is that me talking or my incapability of feeling that rn bc i'm depressed. i'm also convinced i just won't find romantic love in this life and i've been saying that bc of the love i have for my friend sis honestly enough.

i love my girl friends though like i literally can't get enough of them and they are why i'm alive. they're my favorite people ever!

i would like to add that my body is ruined. it is upsetting. bc even if i make it i will die young. my hips are so fucked i can barely walk. i keep getting infections. and candida overgrowth in multiple ways. and my brain is rotten. my hands keep cramping and having trouble moving bc my bones r fucked. which is giving me tendinitis. i have an eating disorder so i either binge or starve. bc i don't feel hungry just sick if it's even that. and i drink a lot!

but at least i'm trying right.

and like i'm so capable of dealing with other peoples problems like i have a lot of chaos but i really can and that's why i want to be a therapist bc like fuck let me help you!!!

but things just keep happening. and people in my life keep needing me at times when i just need to be alone and detox and try to be okay. my soul is being torn apart by the limbs. all of these things i just talked about are happening consistently one after another, where the physical deterioration is sprinkled between the life situations. and it sucks. things won't stop happening i just want peace so bad like a day of no physical pain or mental anguish bc im in a rough fucking spot and it's just exhausting

this is me trying. i'm trying i'm trying i'm trying like i'm doing my fucking best but i csnt stay awake bc of my brain and my body both being so injured. and i keep hurting the people around me, not all but yeah the men. always hurting men. not my kiggs though he's my angel baby. they don't deserve it, im just destroyed!

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depechetrash · 5 years

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#mi.txt #look....im not suicidal but i do want to die rn #like....i can feel my body is abandoning (? me #and it doesnt matter what i do it gets worse every year??? and all the doctors i go suck ass and dont give a fuck about me??#im rly tired of being O.K for like...4-8 months only for my body to fuck me over again and send me to the bench after feeling free/normal #for a bit #like make up your goddamn mind so i dont end up sad and disappointed as people my age do ton of stuff and i cant even do HALF #let go entirely or get better lmao #being sick w an autoimmune disease is THE WORST shit #im out my dudes ✌ im rly sad and furious and i need to write this down somewhere to get it out of my system #i also dont wanna talk w anyone im sorry im just 🔪🔪🔪🔪 rly sad and angry and exhausted and RLY SICK AT THE MOMENT

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kindest-way-to-say · 3 years

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okay so. i’m just gonna rant. about some pain i’ve been experiencing for a while. like, we’re getting into it

if anyone would like to put in their two cents, feel free. im kinda just yelling about my problems into a void, but im definitely not gonna stop people who might know what this is from giving me advice.

idk. my brains shutting down a bit.

TDLR: my left arm has been in constant pain for three days. it’s probably nerves or something. i’m very addled rn. i hate the world i want to sleep for a millennia. i also have had similar, smaller pain issues over a course of 4 months. i hate it here. i would very much like this to not be a thing, please.

so this story starts the mid may. my last month of school. i’m suffering through just to end this bullshit. but i notice that p much every time i have to do some slightly more than normal walking, some random body part of mine will just be in this sort of dull pain.

and i just kinda go. huh. okay. ow. and brush it off. this continues. it’s pretty minor, (like barely a 1/10 on a scale) but enough for me to be mildly annoyed by it on occasion.

go to two weeks before my school lets out for summer.

i get appendicitis and have surgery for it. i’m fine. that situation went better than expected, i was just not the most comfortable.

appendicitis pain traditionally presents in the lower right quadrant of the abdomen. right next to a shit ton of nerves. and the pain i’m going through starts to affect my leg. can’t really walk without alarms going on.

it gets better. i’m not like. comfortable, but i’m just taking ibuprofen a few times a day and managing decently. 3.5/10 pain level average.

but then, as i start going out and living life as a teenager in the summer (hanging out with one person semi-regularly, and doing weird family lunches), i start to notice that most times i leave the house, i’ll come back home with some pretty decent pain in assorted parts of my body.

like my back will hurt, which i just blame on my shit posture. but then it’ll be a weird muscle connected to my ankle or some shit when i am very well known for hating any and all sports except for hockey. which i don’t play.

so i’m not doing things to pull muscles, but i’m feeling twinges of pain kind of a lot. which sucks.

but i brush it off, now consciously keeping an eye on it and taking ibuprofen when needed.

pain levels steadily rise over time, but it’s still at about a 4/10 for the most part. there’s the occasional spike to a 6, but that’s not frequent.

keep going on to mid-july. every time i leave the house, i’m feeling dull ache/twinges in multiple places and my knees feel really fucking off a lot of the time. almost like if your knees were crooked or something?? idk.

but it’s still 5.5 on the worst day. so i just kinda hesitantly mention this to my mom. who’s used to me complaining anyway, but i make it clear that it’s been going on for a while, and it feels like somethings wrong.

and she says “oh yeah we can think about seeing a doctor.”

and i just. okay! cool. fun. rad. sick. vague pain. that’s my favorite activity. i love everything about this.

but i just grit my teeth and bear it. still doing the ibuprofen thing when my ignore it and distract yourself strategy doesn’t work.

now, end of july. trucking along. i’m at least in mind discomfort pretty much all the time. sucks. hate it. i’m concerned.

go to the 31. i pull a crazy all-nighter because i have chemical imbalances in my brain and shit just happens. i stay up for like 44 hours. wild. i sit at my desk for a while, drawing and i notice “wow my left shoulder doesn’t feel that great. huh. i have been sitting here for a while.”

so i go do something else but it doesn’t feel fantastic. almost like a buzzing in parts of my back and my upper arm. on my left arm. i am right handed. don’t know what that’s about.

go to sleep sunday night, i wake up to it just being worse. (also i have some weird circulation problems because of genetics. just random shit. no pain whatsoever. just funky.)

like wtf that’s a 4 right as i’m waking up. what the actual fuck. don’t like that.

but i was raised catholic so none of us talk to each other. so i just joke about my body organizing a shitty coup d’état to a friend and chalk it up to a fucked up muscle. but it’s like kind of moving?? a bit?? weird as fuck. don’t like it. still dull pain, but certainly something that pops up into my conscious mind like 10 times a day.

i didn’t do anything would result in a pulled muscle (trust me. my school is really intense about theatre and show choir. hard core choreography in everything that i practice 3 times a week during school+whatever play/musical) so i’m really just making excuses to soothe my brain and i know it. full denial.

i took ibuprofen the first and second day. can still tell it’s happening, but it sucks less.

yesterday i play a shit ton of guitar, and i can feel my upper arm cramping up and shit (which. oW. 5.7/10. WHAT THE HELL.) even though there is no strain on my left arm except for pressing my fingertips into some strings. no shoulder shit going on.

so i try to stretch out. no help.

and then the adhd medication instead of sleeping medication debacle happens and i don’t go to bed even though i actively tried to multiple times. i write a poem instead.

hurts mildly the whole time. it starts kind of limiting the functions of my arm. which. what the actual fuck. stiff, a bit seized up in especially bad pain moments.

i get focused on writing a poem and shit i only 20 minutes to get ready to leave for my appointment.

i forgot to take any ibuprofen, and it was already reaching 5.85 levels from sitting in my room.

in the car and in the orthodontist office, my left arm is completely fucking useless to me. half of my brain at all times is focused on like “oW OW OW OW OW” because it’s reached a point where i can’t really ignore it. it’s just there now. moving it isn’t great, it sitting in place isn’t fun either.

i’m at 6.5 levels. from the round trip of like 20-ish minutes, it’s raised that much. a lot of internal dialogue about it.

on the way to the orthodontist, i’m talking to my mom about it. she, sounding kind of annoyed, asks “what, do you want to see a doctor?”. i say “honestly? yes. it’s been 3 days nonstop. steady rise. there’s something genuinely wrong. i’m concerned about it.”

it feels like someone is poking around inside my arm with electricity or some shit. whole arm. shifting localizations and slight fluctuation in pain level. rapid escalation even just today.

i explain what it feels like in less wordy terms. and she says “that’s sounds like it could be nerve-related.”

it’s been three days. i’m exhausted. this has already taken a pretty significant mental toll, let alone discomfort level.

i have a high pain tolerance. i only started actively complaining about appendicitis pain the night before it exploded. that shit festers longer than overnight. i had been i pain for half the week before i said shit. and i just kinda sucked it up until i felt like i couldn’t walk without needing hella support.

but it’s really fucking getting to me. shit ton of weird tension, buzzing. just. constant painful buzz moving around.

i express this. “it’s a non-stop pain bad enough to be something i am fully aware of at any given second. if i stare off, im probably thinking about my arm.” and she kinda dismisses it.

it’s been like an hour, and i’ve gone up to 6.8 levels multiple times. based on patterns, it’s not just gonna stop any time soon, and i’m really good at working around weird problems like this.

like i said. pain every time i go out.

i’m good at hiding when i’m not 100%, but this is beyond me. it’s like someone’s just stabbing me with tacs over and over again. on my entire left arm and on the rare occasion, part of my leg.

i’m so genuinely uncomfortable, and i would this to not be a thing anymore.

#long post #uh. help?#oW OW OW #ITS LIKE SOMEONE IS PLAYINH FUCKING OPERSTION ON ME #sorry this is so gigantic #rip my arm ig??#i’m already disabled my body doesn’t need to betray me like this #bitch tried to kill me once already and failed so it’s back and trying again and iT SO MUCH FUCKINB WORSE THAN THE FIRST TIME #HHHHH

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freeshavacado · 4 years

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My thoughts while reading Gone by Michael Grant:

* wait how old is Sam

* He do be liking Astrid doe

* Damn so Sam is a Leader

* Ew Orc is an 8th grader? 🤮

* Ok I googled it Sam is 14

* I like Quinn

* Sam thinks he’s so awkward but he’s actually really chill so far

* THE PAIN THIS GIRL IS GOING THROUGH OH MY GOD

* Poor Mary :(

* Howard’s a bitch

* Cut to Quinn being a racist motherfucker

* I love Edilio

* Sam is WHIPPED for Astrid

* Orc is such a piece of shiiiiiit

* LANAAAAA :(((

* Poor thing is in so much pain

* Patrick her dog is alive so that’s good

* She’s deadass slowly dying

* Thank god her arm is better

* I want to make this into a TV series

* If Sam and Astrid don’t kiss at some point I swear

* Hahahaha Sam do be shirtless rn

* Why isn’t Astrid happy to see Little Pete???

* MARY. IF YOU POUR HOT ASS COFFEE ON A CHILD, DONT JUST STAND THERE AND THEN RUN AWAY. PUT COLD WATER ON THE BURN

* Aw Mary has had bulimia since she was ten :(

* Ok so what she just took her Prozac and then threw up? Wouldn’t the pill go up too? I think your stomach/body needs like 30 minutes to absorb it into the blood stream...

* HELP SAM HES CHOKING

* Bruh my ass would be so exhausted

* Quinn low key an ass tho

* Lol edilio isn’t standing for this bullshit

* Lmaooo Astrid knew 💀

* Omg little Pete has it too

* Wow Quinn is an asshole pt 2

* I feel like Caine is gonna be a villain...like he’s pretty AND nice? Nah bro too good to be true

* Fucking Orc god 😒😒😒

* Caine is up to some shit 🤨

* Lmao hold up

* Diana probably whipped tho

* Sam please only be a simp for Astrid 😩

* I bet Drake is hot

* Aww computer Jack :) DONT YOU TURN ON ME SON

* “The captain is already maintaining” Bullshit 💀

* Are they really gonna call this eighth grader ‘Captain’?

* LMAOOO THE BASTARD CANT EVEN READ OR WRITE 💀💀💀

* Lol making Sam the fire chief because he was brave enough to go into a fire one time, so therefore he is the most qualified

* Bruh that’s like if I gave a kid the Heimlich maneuver bc he was choking on a gummy worm or some shit and they were like “Well because she did that, she should be the head doctor!!!”

* CAINE IS FULL OF SUCH BULLSHIT OML

* PRETENDING TO CRY N SHIT GOD

* I already know that Diana is gonna try and seduce Sam while she’s actually a spy for the private school kids

* Which, btw, of course it’s the private school kids smh

* I feel like maybe Computer Jack will be someone who eventually switches to the Good Side

* ALSO wow jack really be thinking that he’s smarter than Astrid smh 🙄

* Jack is such a smartsass

* Diana is such a fucking bitch oh my god 😒😒😒

* “You don’t look tough, Astrid” STFU SHES THE TOUGHEST OF THEM ALL

* Ok but I bet Diana and Astrid low key have sexual tension. Like obviously nothing’s gonna happen...but still

* Bruh I hate Caine

* Fuckin Diana with her ‘readings’ bullshit smh

* YESSSS LANA 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 so strong

* Literally how do they not know how to make pasta

* “I thought your people ate tortillas,” QUINN YOU RACIST PEICE OF SHIT UGH

* Poor Bette :(

* Orc is a piece of shit, I know we’ve already established this but I wanted to say it again

* I love Edilio so much

* Orc really using a slur against Edilio huh. Imma kill him

* IM SO DONE WITH QUINN. THIS BITCH REALLY JUST SAID “let him have her” LIKE TF????

* Drake is such a bastard oh my god

* If you hate Quinn and you know it clap your hands 👏🏻👏🏻

* No seriously. I fucking hate him.

* Nooooo Bette died :((

* “I can’t kiss you with your little brother watching” AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

* Did they kiss or not wtf

* What the hell is up with this cat

* Ah so they did kiss!!

* Why didn’t I get details 🤨

* No a baby died 😞

* Quinn s u c k s

* How convenient that Sam got there *right* before Emma disappeared

* Those last 6 minutes before Anna disappeared too and was calling out to her sister, and so for what she thought was her last few minutes on earth she held sams hand :(

* Lol Diana sucks

* ‘WoRDs DONT sCArE mE’ shut up Drake

* Okay Computer Jack is definitely going to betray them because they underestimate him and take him for granted

* You’re telling me Caine and Sam could be TWINS???

* Why was the kiss ‘a mistake’ ?

* Okay NOW they’re awkward

* “But it was the first time I meant it” I CANT. ITS SO CHEESY

* I HATE QUINN

* These kids are crazy violent

* Fuck Diana

* Yikes now Sam only has some of his eyebrows left 😬

* Caine is in love with Diana 👀

* Little Pete might be more powerful than Caine 😛

* THESE KIDS ARE CRAZY LIKE CHILL

* Diana: I really dislike you Astrid: of course you dislike me, I make you feel inferior

* ROASTED ^

* Mmmm Quinn is trying to redeem himself

* “Don’t call me brah. I’m not your brother” OHHHHHHHHHHH HE REALLY WENT THERE

* that’s what you get for being a backstabbing asshole

* Poor Astrid :(

* Poor Little Pete :(

* Bro I need this to be a movie

* I love that Sam just punched Quinn like we had no choice but to stan

* Ok drake would definitely shoot up a school

* Fuck Drake

* Lana is so strong. Like she’s been in so much pain physically and mentally, and she almost died. But she saved herself and now even though she thinks she might be the only person left alive on earth, she is still keeping strong.

* What happens if the boat runs out of gas?

* Bruh these coyotes don’t give up

* THE COYOTES AGAIN??

* “Go out” “You’ll kill me,” “Yes. Go out, die fast. Stay, die slow”

* Wowwwwwwwwwww^

* Lmaooo “L.P.”

* Awwww Sam: “...she was still so beautiful that sometimes he had to look away.”

* Okay he a lil’ horny

* Awe Astrid and Sam hugging I’m soft 🥺

* I’m so sick of these damn coyotes

* Bruh these coyotes 😒

* Diana is annoying

* Literally can’t remember who Andrew is, but they’re about to film his passing away like wtf

* Poor Andrew :(

* “You’re a deep sleeper, Jack. Just now, while you were sleeping? I held your pudgy little hand. Probably as close as you’ll ever get to holding hands with a girl. Assuming you even like girls.” FUCK YOU DIANA

* Okay so Diana will protect Jack as long as he ‘belongs’ to her and does what ever she wants? That’s pretty sus

* Sam and Astrid kissed again 😖☺️

* Lmaooo Albert over here running McDonald’s

* Salads disappeared quickly from the McDonald’s menu since this whole thing? Who the hell orders a salad from McDonald’s?

* So Albert kinda whipped for Mary 👀

* I haaaaatttteeee the private school kids

* Y’know what depending on where I was and who I was with in this situation, I might’ve just killed myself

* “Remember who owns you” ew 🤨

* Diana. I hate you

* Bro I feel bad for Andrew

* How is Lana back at the cabin?

* That IS Lana right??

* Okay things are moving fast between Sam and Astrid. Like she’s already saying “I just want you here with me. Safe” like 🤢

* Lana, about Sam: your boyfriend? Astrid: ThAts nOt WhAt iTs AbouT

* LMAOO AFTER SHE SAID THAT SHE SAID IN A LOW VOICE “kind of” WHAT

* Lol Lana be out here like “yeah shits crazy. Get with the program”

* Ew they’re eating pudding with their hands 🤮

* I don’t care how hungry you are, that’s gross

* Like get a spoon or something

* Lana just called Astrid “smart girl Barbie” 🤨

* Part of me is like “lol” but the other part of me is like “bruh stop Astrid did nothing wrong”

* I still hate Quinn but he is kind of funny

* Lana calling Astrid “the blonde” like girl 😑

* Bruh you’re stuck in a house that is literally on fire and getting hotter by the second as it fills with smoke, now is not the time to be kissing Astrid

* Finally the damn coyotes are gone.

* Sam is so angry and he’s disgusted with himself for being so angry, I relate

* Fuck you, Quinn

* Fuck drake

* I would gladly kill Drake

* OOOOOOOOO EDILIO LIKES LANA AHHHHHH

* SIMP

* omg I love it 😩

* Lmaooooo Sams speech wow

* Sam you should NOT forgive Quinn. Especially not that fast. Yikes.

* Orc should feel bad for killing Bette. I have no pity for him rn

* Yes please kill drake.

* I am so happy that his arm is on fire. 100% he deserves to feel that pain

* Aww that’s kinda nice that Albert is planning thanksgiving dinner for everyone

* DAMMIT DRAKE

* I hate drake so much like dude just shut up and leave everyone alone

* Orc oh my god I could not be rolling my eyes harder right now

* Tbh if Orc and his other friends die, I’m okay with that

* What tf is up with this DVD

* Little Pete caused all of this??? 😦

* I’m sooooo sick of this whole darkness and coyote stuff istg

* Where is Patrick?????

* If Patrick is dead imma throw hands

* Diana is such an evil person. Like Drake is a monster, but she’s horrible in a different way.

* Also ughhhhhhhhhh Drake is back 😒😒😒😒😒 so sick of that mf

* “So. When do we go take down Sam Temple?” 🙄🙄🙄 no one likes you Drake

* AHAHAHHSJAHSHSHHSHD

* SAM JUST TOLD ASTRID HE LOVED HER

* AND SHE SAID IT BACK

* IM. S O F T

* (like my brain is still saying “y’all have talked for less than two weeks and you’re 14”)

* But like whatever 😭❤️

* My eyes just rolled into the back of my skull once Diana appeared

* Taylor low key flirting with Sam tho 👀

* When I first met Dekka, I was all: ‘what the hecka?’

* THOSE DAMN COYOTES

* I’m crying because Quinn couldn’t kill Drake because he was scared, and now children are screaming. Ugh I really wanted him to kill Drake but I understand that killing someone is a crazy thing to have on your conscience

* Call me cold hearted, but I would’ve shot him

* This is all in theory of course ^ I bet if I was in that situation though it wouldn’t be as easy as “just shoot him”

* I don’t think I’ve ever been more annoyed with a fictional character than I am with Drake rn

* Yooo I bet Isabella has some animal powers or sumn

* Caine 🙄🙄🙄 like that emoji doesn’t even come close to describing how annoyed I am

* Wait so is Patrick back now or...?

* Caine really just. Kissed Diana. Because she “owed him”????

* THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT

* I literally hate sooooooooo many characters in this book ugh 😒😒😒

* Quinn is watching Drake kill Sam and is doing nothing. I’m so done with this piece of shit

* Ok finally he tried to shoot him

* “You know it always gets me hot when you say ‘apt analogy.’” “Why do you think I do it?”

* Y’all 🥴🥴🥴

* THOSE DAMN COYOTES

* Literally? Imagine being this heartless. Giving up hundreds of kids to coyotes without hesitation. The hate I have for Caine is real

* Once again, Orc feeling bad for what he did to Bette. And honestly? I’m still okay with that

* This kid is an a l c o h o l i c

* Computer Jack is so annoying like dude stop holding on to Sams leg. Literally

* Still hate Diana, but I like that she’s helping out Sam a little bit

* Ew Diana just kissed Sam on the corner of his mouth 🤢

* I TOLD YALL ^^^

* Yay Patrick is alive :)

* “I guess we won,” Sam said. “Yeah,” Edilio agreed. “I’ll get the backhoe. Got a lot of holes to dig.”

* ^im. Depressed

* I cannot for the life of me remember who Cookie is

* “Orc sat with Howard in a corner by themselves. Orc had fought Drake to a standstill. But no one-least of all Orc-had forgotten Bette.”

* ^good.

* Y’all Sam and Astrid flirting I- 🥴🥴

* We love to see it ^

* Awww “we’re going to the beach” y’all Astrid and Sam are so cute

* THOSE DAMN COYOTES

* FUCK. Goddamn this cliffhanger 😡

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ts-2020-olympics · 4 years

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EPISODE 3 - “Am I Old?” - Sarah

So far Shosha and Yujo haven’t lost any challenges, if we keep winning until the swap i fear that the other tribes will target our people because we’re all still intact. Maybe it would be a good thing to maybe lose one? I dunno

ちくしょう 😉

FUCK the hosts for this how many hours can you put in challenge this early in the game, i'm literally fucking pissed, FUMIN love! i knew we were gonna lose from early on but i still put in the time and hours to distract myself from this bitch ass boy who curved me yesterday night, whatever. i'm just so exhausted like of the constant losing, the tribal council, ugh. i haven't been on a losing tribe like this in SO long. and i'm so.. over it. i can't stand losing and i can't stand that emma is immune right now because deciding who to vote off is going to be impossible and people are going to be coming for me so i'm like, probably most definitely gone or whatever. and that means i'm going to have to do the arena challenge and NOT have a day off which... ugh....... dont get me wrong i know that ORGs are time commitments but usually i win the premerge challenges so THIS IS NEW OKAy kdhfnsdkfndkfndf. i'm just annoyed and i'm so over my tribe... and i didn't find any advantages at the olympic village i finally remembered to search in. anyway i dont even wanna THINK about tribal rn so this is just me saying fuck this challenge and ughhh i'm so TIRED just so fatigued of everything, i'll like come back tmrw and strategize or something. *throws a rock at the cameraman* fuck this shit i'm out, give me the osake RIGHT! GOD DAMN! NOW! (alcohol for all you non duolingo-ers)

i'm kinda happy that bailey was evacuated from the game, she would have been voted out regardless and this gives our tribe better odds at survival. even if we had gone to tribal i would've been comfortable, but now i feel like it's better than i try to prove my value as a player by competing in the arena! kinda excited.

tribal three times in a row check! 😍✨💋 LMAO no one is wanting to actually talk to me about it so i’m hoping that i can still sway the votes in my favor but we’ll see! i think landen would defiantly do his best to help keep me from going, but it’s all a matter of who would we send instead. so! we’ll see! at least i can say i did my best

So, for starters, the past round went pretty much as expected. Kathy was the vote off from my tribe, and she lost at the arena, as well, past round I found nothing yet again at the village. Now, right now in terms of this round, my tribe didn't win immunity, but Bailey ended up getting medically evacuated due to getting three inactivity strikes, so the tribal got cancelled for my tribe, and Beck ended up volunteering to do the arena. So basically, just awaiting to search Olympic Village again, and hoping to goodness there is a tribe swap next round, since right now my tribe is just my alliance with Ben and Beck, which will make things rough come another loss with no swap.

yep worst case scenario happened. My tribe lost with me sitting out and Will, my one main ally, not showing up to the challenge at all!! I was hoping it could be an easy vote so i didn’t have to vote and I could get the advantage but now it seems like my tribe is ready to boot Will and if I want that advantage I need two of those other three to vote against each other! God this is gonna be hard...

I’m in a tough predicament here. I could either A. play it safe, agree with everyone to vote will or B. try to save my ally and my advantage at the same time by getting Sarah and Eve to vote out Nik, risking my whole game. Godddd I don’t know!! aaaagh!

it's 10am, tribal is in 10 hours, and i've had about 10 separate heart attacks throughout the morning. i don't know what to do tonight. i'm really struggling to figure out what's right. my heart says jacob, that's definitely where i'm leaning. juls is my closest ally at this point, and after the whole debacle with Billy, voting him out, then instantly starting to bond with him and all that, and apologizing, and him sticking by me even after I voted him out first, I would feel terrible voting for him again and I want us to prove to eachother we can trust eachother. but the fact he said juls' name.. if that's who he's going to go for, i simply can't prove to him i will vote with him. i'm tight with juls, she saved me even over emma, and i just really feel a bond with her. we're both the youngest in this cast, we both have lots in common, it really do feel like we're the same person at times. at the same time, my head tells me jacob is good in challenges, and will be ok in arena, but that i really don't need a 3rd person upset at me for going to the arena, and if Emma is still coming after me, she could probably use me coming for Jacob to her advantage, but I don't even know where she's voting or what she's thinking. i'm torn about this vote, and it's all the more annoying that if emma just hadn't fucked up at the last challenge, we wouldn't be here without someone to vote right now. we'd all be able to agree on emma or jacob probably, and it would just... it would still suck complete ass, but it wouldn't be as complicated as it is now. with a tribe as tiny as 5 people, going to tribal THREE times, with all the same 5 people.. it's just not something we can afford. our tribe is being torn apart and... whew, i just need the swap. give it to me rn. as of now, i'm thinking i'm going to vote jacob, and i hope i can get billy on board for that and take his mind off juls. that's where my head is at right now... tribal is making me sick to my stomach

What the f does I stan you even mean? Am I old? And I no longer hip and down with the lingo? Bogus, man...

Our first tribal is tonight... I hate to say it, but I'm voting for Will. Nobody has heard from him in days, or for the last challenge, and tonight will be a second strike if he doesn't come back for tribal. WILL I'M SORRY. I definitely would not have voted him otherwise, he did great on the other challenges and is a great personality to have around. Come back for the next season Will..

I am the swing vote again lol Juls got blamed for messing up last vote by Emma and Billy, which considering Juls is beloved by everyone, PERFECT But now since we lost I need to pick a side, Landen and Juls or Emma and Billy. I like Emma, Billy sketches me out. Landen is the perfect meat shield for eternity. He's a bit of a blabbermouth. I watched the tapes of the live tribal, he sold me out unknowingly in front of Billy. How am I supposed to both sides these people now!? I could get sold onto a Landen vote, but that's not being sold, so WELL, who do I screw over. I feel so bad voting out Juls, but that's a reason to vote her out too, gah. GAH. Do I pick a side and lowkey goat, or do I make my control of the tribe forefront (but not evident because everyone hates each other) Time will tell. 1 Hour until tribal, and I have no idea what to do. inb4 voted out

why the FUCK does emma have immunity? she's literally so useless and does nothing in challenges... and the fact she already turned on juls, this quick, over practically nothing? im sick to my stomach, love. i know i said that already, but you know what? I must have the flu, because my nausea is neverending with this tribe and our constant spins at tribal council. as emma once said, we're basically taking turns sending people to the hellish arena. but the twist is so complex because you can't send someone you like there, because there IS always the very real chance that they lose the challenge. going there could be a good risk if you're smart with it, but it could be a risk that puts your entire game in jeopardy and i'm a KNOWN safe player when it comes to game mechanics ^_^ the only risks i take are in emotional labor! speaking of, myself and juls have both been working very hard to keep her safe from billy and emma's focused target on her, but i don't see it happening.. Billy and em seem to be tight now and it seems like they've convinced jacob to take out juls. The really horrible thing about all this, is that if i want to save juls.... i'm likely going to have to vote billy. and that is going to be aching, because i really like the guy, and i was being 100% honest and genuine with him saying i wanted to be on his side, to prove to him i have his trust and that i will be loyal to him and want to work with him til the endgame and be his ally. but if he's going to go against juls and i have to choose between the two of them..... i mean, i can't choose billy. it would be bad. so there's 30 minutes left and i don't have a clear idea of what's happening yet and any choice i make will permanently damage a tight connection that I thought I had heading into the later game. I guess in good news, Sammy, Caeleb, and a new friend, Jordan, ALL messaged me saying good luck at tribal, and talking to me a bit about it, saying they hope I'm safe. Forming those cross tribal bonds could be crucial in surviving the next stage of the game, which, god please, is happening VERY soon... *i bind myself to the cross* Give me strength to get through this, Japan. Onegaishimasu.

So far the game is makin me p sad, I’m super tired of going to tribal and having to send people to arena. And that Japanese challenge was so damn frustrating

so tribal last night.... i mean, uh, i guess my power, huh? lmao........... MESS!!! IM A MESS MY GAME IS A MESS THIS WHOLE DAMN THING IS A MESS. Someone get me a MOP rn because Sonkei-Matsing tribe is STRUGGLING and it's all EMMA'S FAULT!!!!! On the other hand, I'm very grateful Emma is an idiot, because Billy got to be safe!!! So let me explain what happened in that bonkers tribal council, from MY perspective... When I heard that my closest ally Juls had her name coming up, i was like, oh HELL. NO. So I put in the WORK to get Jacob and Billy to vote for eachother. Don't get me wrong, Juls worked hella hard on this too, she is a bad ass bitch and she deserves credit. But I do believe I was a major factor in swaying their votes as well as I'd built pretty close relationships with each of them in terms of strategy. But with Billy, that relationship wasn't a tight trusting one, more of a, please, I like you a lot, let me prove to you that I can be trusted and we can work together. Let us prove that to eachother. But here's how it happened. Even though Jacob and Billy DID vote for eachother... NEITHER OF THEM TOLD ME THEY WERE VOTING FOR EACH-OTHER. BILLY LED ME TO BELIEVE HE WAS VOTING JULS THE WHOLEEEEE TIME. And initially, I was fine with it, and i was STILL going to vote Jacob off with Juls!! Thinking there was nothing I could do and she would go 3-2. But then, 5 minutes into tribal, you'll see me furiously typing... Because Jacob FINALLY told me he was going to vote for Billy (and that's on Whispering!!! #LiveTribal!!) So from my perspective.... Billy and Emma are voting Juls. Juls is voting Jacob. Jacob is voting Billy. It's 2-1-1... and if I vote for Jacob, then Jacob and Juls can't vote, and Billy and Emma have the majority to send Juls out, saving Jacob on the revote. BUT if I vote for Billy, then Billy and Juls can't vote, and now me and Jacob have the majority over Emma. That was the thought process behind my initial vote for Billy. LITTLE DID I KNOW BILLY ACTUALLY WAS VOTING WITH ME AND NOW I FEEL HORRIBLE FOR VOTING FOR HIM AND I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT UP TO HIM BUT HE DIDN'T TEXT ME WHEN HE GOT OFF AND UGH, I NEED TO MAKE THIS RIGHT!!!! Emotional labor is the most annoying thing, and I'm really bad it. I'm terrible at apologizing and owning up to things, maybe that's why I just let my friendships fall apart in real life instead of doing the actual work to save them once a problem happens. because emotional labor is fucking annoying, exhausting, and stressful! I don't got time for it! But now, I need to have time for it, because our tribes are FIVE PEOPLE strong, and at the next tribal council, if I don't get my relationship with Billy in check, I WILL be gone. It is his vote that I need to help make sure Emma's psycho ass goes home, and if he, Jacob, and Emma all think they're on the bottom... Yikes. I hope Billy understands that I was absolutely disgusted it came down to him or Juls and I thought I was doing everything I could to save an ally.. I even swayed Juls to help save him with me, when she felt uncomfortable with him. He totally screwed up by like... not telling me he was voting with me, he said in tribal people just need to be real with where they're voting, and I agree! I wish he had just followed his own advice with me, because he would still be here right now. But his screw up does not at all compare to Emma... what the FUCK was she thinking, self-voting like that...? Like, HELLO? She throws out Juls' name all round, for I don't even know WHAT reason, since they were supposedly close, but it's implied she throws out Juls' name for getting 4 crowns on the challenge... Um, YOU STUPID BITCH YOU LITERALLY ONLY GOT ONE MORE CROWN THAN HER AND BEFORE THAT DID NOTHING ON THE SLIDE PUZZLE CHALLENGE OR THE TRIBE CHANT, DESPITE US KNOWING YOU CAN PUT IN THE TIME WHEN YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT IN THE ARENA :) Headass.... Then, after doing that all round, she SELF-VOTES??? WITH IMMUNITY AROUND HER NECK??? Girl you MUST be crazy, cus this is psychotic. Headass, deadass, she is gone the next time we lose tribal, which, lbr, is probably next time because we're LIT RALLY matsing. at least caeleb thinks i'm denise though. i feel like i have the same amount of wrinkles as her, after the stress of this game like 3 rounds in. imagine how tired i am.

Round 3's over! That's fun, innit? Glad we got rid of some dead weight in Bailey. As for friendships and alliances, I'm still slightly on edge about Darcy - I trust Beck over him. Got acquainted with Karen - they seem nice, but I'll keep an eye on them, too. Other than that, Nicole and Tommy are the people I'm mainly corresponding with. Seems like fun! :) Here's to a fun Round 4!

Okay so we won this round which is fun! Tommy went to the arena which gives me, Karen and Kevin a good chance to bond because Stoner just isn’t paying attention ever. I wonder if he has even made a confessional. Anyway, I’m going to be real annoyed if we lose and he whips out an idol. Also going to be mad if after this round there’s a swap and I’m swapfucked. I don’t think it really COULD happen to me though, because I’ve talked to at least one newbie on each of the tribes. Unless I’m stuck with Nik, Emma and Billy who have no interest in speaking to me, I think I’ll be fine. Speaking of newbies, I find myself talking to Ben a lot but I’m under the impression he talks to a lot of people. He reminds me of a lot of friendly pure men in this community like Joey, just very social and very nice! The only thing is sometimes he will say something in a conversation and I don’t necessarily know where to go with it. For example right now he’s having a full conversation with me in the village chat about pizza. I don’t know what to do with this and rather not be so vocal in the village chat. While the other newbies are increasingly hard to talk to, and sitting around all day waiting for the arena stuff is boring, Ben is a very nice person to talk to but I just wish we would talk like...about the game not what I’m eating. When it comes down to it I want to know I have an ally or two to bring to the end that might offset my immediate threat of being a winner, but not give them so much power that they win over jury votes. He seems to be showing his social side and not giving me any game info at the same time, which I have to look out for. All of the other newbies I’ve spoken to have talked game. He’s either playing a really good game by doing this or a really transparent one, I can’t tell yet. We will have to see!

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Last night proved something that I’ve been wondering about Landen for a while. He truly is a snake. I unintentionally made a really good move in keeping it mysterious on who I was voting. In order to make the vote go his way and to keep Juls, he instead changed the vote to ME and got Jacob to do the same. Sneaky mother fucker 😋 thank god Juls stayed the same though. I know for an absolute fact now that I won’t be able to trust him. As for Jacob, I do hope he comes back, because now that I know where the tribe stands I know I can get him on my side.

I don't know if I ever had such a frustrating round for challenges first duolingo and now the arena I was in the lead in front of everyone until the last clue and I lost it all I didn't get a medal. I'm so pissed, you really don't wanna @ me anytime soon because I'm at the point where I wanna go off on someone.

Love the tribe, so happy we 5-0d the last tribal!! it was a cute moment!! hehe, we seem to be very together as a unit

So Will’s gone, well he’s at the arena but i think he died so he’s probably out for good. Now that he’s out that leaves me on the bottom of my tribe as the next to go, my only hope is getting as close to sarah as I can and crossing my fingers for a swap! Due to that triple tribal I think it’s going to happen next... hopefully!

Ughh i keep forgetting to make confessionals until right before the round ends so im always like oh shit and then dont really know what im gonna talk about so its not good. hows things in the life of jordan pines? great thanks for asking, while i still feel on the bottom of my tirbe i definitly see a swap coming soon which i think depending on how it goes would be pretty good for me. Id ideally like to stay with most of the people ive been with plus new ones, becuse i think im seen as like an expendable numebr to caeleb and Jacob. I want them to keep thinking of me like this while I go out and start forming stronger relationships, keep bringing in those jordan pines minions, i got my sights set on billy right now, i like him but he makes me look as humble as they come and ive i could definitly turn him into a goat for me with the right coaxing. Im hoping will survives the arena cause hes for sure a number for me, but hes also a lil innactive so maybe he peaced. Im starting to build relationships with Landen who I like. I havent even looked at the all winners tribe holy shit. Karen and Stoner are gonna be my biggest obstacles as they dont necesarily love me. Im gonna try to work with Nicole for a bit if i can tbh. Thats really all im feeling right now. I think best cast scenario is people use me as a number and carry me just a little too far that I can turn shit around and fuck em over. It's definitely gonna be an uphill climb to the finish line, but the only way to do it is go step by step.

I feel like I am in a great position on my tribe! I trust Sarah and Eve a lot. Pete says he has my back so we can only hope that in the case of another tribal council, I will be safe! I’m still going to work my ass off and play my ass off to stay safe and not have to go to another tribal! This game is long and hard and I’m trying to see big picture. And within that big picture is a flashing sign that’s telling me there’s a tribe swap soon! Hopefully I’ll be able to work some magic and avoid being on a tribe with individuals that don’t like me. But overall I’m feeling pretty good after the last tribal!

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#zestypowerfuluniqueflavorfulhealthy #confessionals

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swimmytron · 4 years

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Im depressed rn. i dont wanna go out. i dont wanna see anyone. dont talk to me. It sucks because thats not me! I want to talk to u, i want to be the funniest in the room, i want u to love me and i want to love u. This is not a love letter, i wanna love everyone! I have to play piano and go to the gym and these two things exhaust my mind i feel like i dont have the mental energy for those things. Sometimes when i get high i cant string a sentence together my mind more or less slows down alot and i just become a vegetable or something i guess. Weed makes my mental bad and ive lived in this cycle for a couple of years now ive always tried to have a healthy balance of buisness and leisure but i always get carried away and end up just becoming almost dependent on weed and it fucks me up man. Idk how some people can get high whenever and it effects them the same way each time. Fuck it im sick of this shit. I really should start doing whats best for me

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gr8estabscondr · 3 years

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Bluh bluh bluh upset emotional venting time feel free to ignore

So like L accidentally dropped something of hers and now it's not working so great, and I was like oh no let me try offering some temporary solutions with some things I'm not using rn, and she responded with no that's wasteful. And also you messed up listening to me about the better solution to this. Which convinetly I don't recall the way she does. And I think kicked off a lot of pent up frustration for her bc oh wow then came a big old shitty feels dump.

Which I was not prepared for, as per yewsh. And like now I feel shitty for offering the temporary solution, and frustrated with her for pulling her one two switcheroo " actually, I really feel THIS WAY about thing that I'm 100% sure I communicated that way, and if you feel differently you're wrong and don't listen to me" and like,,, I'm sitting there thinking babe can we pls not be toxic tonight I was really sick yesterday and had a really fucking long and exhausting day today

And thanks my brain for having my go to reaction being shut up and be quiet, you have to sit and take hearing these words that hurt and upset you from people you love, which makes her frustrated bc she's trying in her own messed up traumatized way to communicate a valid issue she's feeling/having, and me being quiet means to her I'm ignoring her and I dont care about what she's saying, when the reality is my brain has me locked in like goddamm clockwork orange to The Pain Show

And like, I hate when she brings up valid things but in a hurtful way, like I know I'm not doing my best or really trying very hard to do my best, but I'm trying a little bit every day bc frankly that's all I can really handle right now!! And I would love to feel like a functioning adult who can clean her apartment regularly and go grocery shopping twice a week and get all my schoolwork done on time and work my 15-25 hour per week job, and still do dates and fun stuff and keep on top of making progress towards Life Goals and promises, but goddamm Im just not there yet

And she's not exactly there either, but I don't dump that fat ugly reminder on her twice a week when I get frustrated about something and then just decide to open the freaking floodgates with no warning

I've told her, I need warning if you're going to talk about a lot of different issues bothering you so I can be prepared/keep up, can you calmly sit me down and discuss things one issue at a time and then give me a break to process, can you please listen when I say this is too much for me to hear all at once and it's upsetting and hurtful

And she doesn't really seem like she can do these things for me?? And in the same breath is upset at me for not doing enough to be mindful of how she feels

These nights just suck and hurt a lot and I hate being so weak that nights like these wreck mood and motivations and I end up getting absolutely nothing I need to done

But I also feel like it's valid for me to feel so overwhelmed and hurt by this shit so idk

I just really hope her med insurance gets sorted soon and she can start seeing her own therapist I really think that would help her so much and honestly by.extention me

#vent alert #relationship stress #if by some random chance someoke comes avross this and wants to give advice please dont this is pure venting

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survivorsunsetrodeo · 3 years

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Finale | Beauty and the Weeb - Josh

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Today has been weird. I woke up with Tay mad at me, Emma got Kimmi’d and now Tay and I are stuck working together? What are we The Beauty and The Weeb? Jacob is in the best position this round and I need to be on the same page as him. I can tell Ari is defending Dan for some reason because they wouldn’t vote Dan.

BIG SIGH

I have never ever in my life been so sad after a challenge. Like damn, these people really hate me huh. Like Josh, fuck you dude. What have you done in this game besides be Nic’s puppet and then be Emma’s puppet. Goodbye! Jacob!!! Ari and Taylor’s medallions were literally RIGHT THERE to smash and you did what? Smash mine? Ugly.

I am like 99% sure that I’m getting voted out tomorrow night because of my association with Ari. Which kinda sucks, but it is what it is.

Taylor is trying to tell me she thinks she can flip Josh on Jacob, but honestly idk about all that. Part of me wants to tell Jacob that she’s coming for him, but also, idk if I can trust any of them. Taylor also has been saying that if I’m down to target Ari at f4, then she could use her idol on me and then we can take on Ari together at f4. Idk if she just like drank the stupid juice or not, but that works for me? But will I be targeting Ari at f4 if they don’t win immunity? Idk about that. Hopefully I have immunity and we can get Taylor’s ass out of here at 4. The other option is that I go with the idol play plan, then let Ari know last minute so they can’t do anything stupid, and then vote Taylor out with Ari.

I have more options than I think, but I just don’t have the mental capacity to think them all through just now.

I can't believe I've been playing this game for over a month. I'm so exhausted maintaining different relationships especially now when there's only 5 of us. I can't be caught playing both sides at this pivotal round. If I had it my way I would vote out Dan rather than Jacob but I can't even do that because Ari and Taylor refuses to vote out Dan. Here's how I think the vote will fall

Ari - Jacob Dan - Jacob Jacob - Dan (Possibly Taylor but I'm not counting on it) Taylor - Jacob

There is no way Jacob stays unless I can somehow convince Ari or Taylor to switch their votes. What the heck happened this round that made Taylor wanna work with Dan? Do they have a Final 2? Dan did give his money to Taylor the round Ali went. Dan is just the player that just won't go AWAY. I made a final 2 pact with him just so he doesn't vote me out this round but I don't intend to go to the final 2 with him. I don't intend to be in a final 2 with anyone here at all! The only scenario I can see myself having a chance to win is if I am at the Final 2 with Jacob because every single player here is going to win over me and it sucks.

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I hate that I feel like every round is about me. Like that’s cute bc I love the attention, but also like come on y’all.

Obviously I’m worried it’s gonna be me tonight some how but I really don’t know what else I can do other than follow my gut with this vote.

I’m seeing where Taylor is at rn and acting like I’m worried that Ari and Jacob might vote me this round. If I’m able to convince her to idol me I’m obviously gonna get Jacob and Ari to vote her out. But we’ll have to see how that convo goes. She isn’t answering me which is concerning.

I’m not convinced that Josh will vote for Jacob and is going to vote for me because I think I scare him? I’m not really sure what the beef is there. Apparently he told Ari that he fears that Tay and I have a f2. Which I guess is sorta true but I also don’t wanna go to the end with her at all.

I’m hoping for an easy vote that either sends Josh or Jacob home tonight. That’s all I want universe. Help a boy out.

im going 2 be sick. im getting 5th but like.........its ok i guess <3

i have to win this for jacob.

there is no other option.

The way I voted Josh and Jacob still went home bc of Ari!!! Omfgggg. I’m dying honestly. Thank god for this blinding light twist bc I didn’t get EXPOSED.

And I fucking won the immunity challenge. Who said a gay can’t spell? XOXO!

Honestly getting to final 3 is just so gratifying. I really would love to win the final immunity too to kind of show I have some challenge ability haha. My plan is to study the season because in the past I’ve seen the final challenge be season trivia so I really need to go back through and study shit. I feel like I have a reasonable shot at winning against most people but I know I’m gonna get TORN UP by Nick. I’m afraid to go to the end with Taylor and Ari because of their game, but I’m also afraid to go to the end with Josh because of his social connections. This is gonna be a tough tough decision and regardless of what happens I’m gonna piss someone off.

Going with Taylor seems like an okay move because I know I’d at least have Ari’s vote but I think it’s a toss up for the rest of the votes. Ari has been talked up as THE THREAT all game and honestly I see it, but they’ve also not played as flashy as I have. I have a lot more survivor-esque aspects to my game in my opinion. Like me literally attending every tribal council except for one, and being vulnerable at most of the tribal councils. I think a jury will like that I had to do what I had to do to survive. Then with Josh, I just don’t think I have a chance at many of the jury votes (Jabari, Nic, Emma) specifically, but I might pick up Jacob, Ari, Ali, and Brandi. With Taylor deciding if she wants to be bitter and tie it haha.

I mean my point here is that I’ve set myself up to have options. I know I probably won’t be player of the season but dammit I feel like I’ve played such a strong game.

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It’s moments before f4 tribal council and I’m at peace with my decision.

I recognize the power that is Ari. I recognize that they may beat me. But I also recognize that I’ve made a friend for life. And that’s way more important to me these days. And if that’s an accolade to their social game, so be it.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. I would literally die for Ari.

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AND NOW I GOT A LEGACY ADVANTAGE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! h*ck

it better be an add-a-premerge-juror because i don't wanna be MEAN

This was a good ending chapter for my ORG career. I came into this game with no expectation. I took this game phase by phase. Preswap, swap, merge, end game. I knew I wanted to play differently than I have before. More loyal and less shady. I think there were moments when I was definitely tempted by people to revert to my old ways, but temptation doesn’t always mean you follow through.

I feel my game showed restraint. I stuck with Ari because I always knew they had my best interest in mind. Did I know every detail of their game? Nope. Did I need to? Nope. I still got here. I used information I had wisely. I knew when to call it quits with a plan and hang back. I never wanted to be the reason the vote switched to me.

That’s not to say I didn’t have many close calls, because I definitely did. But I survived. I went to all but one tribal council, and I survived. My social game got me here when I got swap fucked. I fucking did that.

Regardless of what the jury thinks of me, I know that I played a game worth making FTC. Is it a winning game? That’s not for me to decide officially. But, to me I’ve won. I’ve won in ways that go past having my name in a winners circle. I’ve learned so much about myself through this game and through my friendships with others. And that’s okay with me. I look forward to answering the questions about my game, but there is one thing I will not stand for and that’s being made to feel badly for the decisions I made.

At the end of the day those decisions were mine and I stand by them 100%.

This may not have been my first rodeo, but in a way I’m happy it will likely be my last.

Much love ORGs. You’ve given me a lot ✨😌

Needless to say, that was rough. Rougher than I expected tbh.

I probably should have fought more, but I fought so hard in this game that I was so beaten up by the end.

To say I’m proud of my game is an understatement. I played so well in my opinion and frankly I wouldn’t change a thing. To finish my org career with a second place finish, makes me so proud. From a 17 year old kid with an attitude problem, to a 26 year old kid with a slightly smaller attitude problem, I can thank ORGs for a lot of my growing up.

They’ve taught me to value my strengths and work on my weaknesses. I owe a lot to these silly games.

To be proud is to be fulfilled. And I am fulfilled. Time to check into my room at the retirement home ❤️

that final tribal council was ROUGH........ i think i did okay but i'm stressed over all the things i forgot to mention, definitely said "social" too many times, didn't get to talk about all the specific strategic choices i made...... i feel confident of 3 votes (jacob, taylor, ali) and that's it i seriously don't know what's gonna happen but either way i'm very proud of myself and i'm proud of dan and it has been an honor to be in this rodeo <3 so long and thanks for all the scorpions

#confessionals #AintNoGloryInTheWest

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tommyshep · 6 years

Text

OK I GOTTA RANT ABOUT PERSONAL SHIT BUT IM THROWING IT RIGHT UNDER THE RUG HERE (under the cut) SO YOU CAN IGNORE THIS I REALLY DONT CARE K THANKS

(update: its fucking LONG you really dont have to read it i swear. its just self pity and sadness hahahahhah)

ALRIGHT FELLOWS FIRST OFF im so fucking lonely yall, i met a guy recently tho (correction i knew them for a year and always thought they were out of my league and we have had mutual friends but rarely ever talked ourselves and then one day out of the blue they came up to me and hugged me and declared us friends??) but we were supposed to hang out this weekend and it was gonna be like the first time i hang out w a friend in foreverrrrrr but they had to cancel bc they got sick. i dont think they were purposefully trying to blow me off, but that happens to me a lot. i try to make plans so that i can get myself out of the house and then people cancel.

and my best friend (best is used loosely, more like the best friend i have but we’re not that close anymore and she has plenty of people she’s closer with) has a new best friend. i used to be able to go to her house all the time and just lay on the floor or whatever and that was our thing, but now i feel sorta weird around her cos we dont talk. like even if we hang out theres really no connection and i feel like a burden and shes always like “uh ya sure you can come over” and then i feel like shit. again its not her fault, but she was always someone i could just be myself around and now i feel like shes gone.

aaaaaand i have a bunch of online friends, some who i met on here and others who moved away and now this is the only way we can talk. but i feel like im ALWAYS the one to text them first. (this isnt about anyone on here btw!!) i have to start the conversation and thennn theyre like “omg i miss you so much we need to talk more!! how are things??“ and the whole conversation is just us catching up and then at some point they dont respond and then i message them again a few months later and it happens again. its not like i think they dont care about me, but they clearly have so much else going on just bc they have a life of their own and friends and school and all this that i dont have, so they dont think about me unless i text them. it gets exhausting always texting first and feeling like im forgotten about, especially cos i dont want to tell them that im feeling this way cos i dont want them to feel guilty since its not their fault.

ive tried to stay in contact with people from my old school, and at the beginning of the year i would go to every single concert and theater production that theyre all in. and they would do that thing where they tell me they missed me and we catch up. but what bugs me is that they always say “i dont see you enough, we should hang out!!” and im hear thinking, this IS my way of staying in touch with you. nobody asked me to come to this concert, i just put it on my calendar and showed up because i wanted to see you. they never return the favor or anything, which i understand that again they have friends and school and lots going on. i just feel so fucking lonely yknow? im going to prom with a guy next month as friends, but im not even looking forward to it anymore because we never talk so i dont even really care. my mom always tries to be like “what do you mean you dont have friends? youre going to prom in a few weeks!” and like, ive tried to hang out w this guy more but he always cancels or he doesnt have a car and it just hurts yknow.

and school is going shitty rn and i have a lot going on but i cant talk to ANYONE about it and wow i didnt realize i was this sad until i typed all this shit up. what the fuck.

i have all these great opportunities this summer where im going to meet new people but im so fucking scared cos i feel like i dont even know how to have friends. and the second someone is friendly with me i start envisioning us as best friends but then i remember that i cant keep friends so it all gets fucked up and i just want to have a normal social life.

i feel selfish saying it but even the people i do have as friends (the ones who i have to text first, etc.) i could honestly live without. i see/talk to them so rarely that its like whats the point. the times we do interact it takes so much emotional input on my part that it just brings me down. i want a friend group sooo bad. like three or four friends who i can hang out with, we’ll have a group chat that lasts more than a month, and we’ll do whatever fun shit friends get to do.

i keep telling myself that i’ll have friends once i go to college but thats in like a year and a half?? and i can just picture myself freaking out in the weeks leading up to school starting, thinking that i’ll never make friends in college. and people tell me im being stupid and that of course im going to make friends, but the past few years havent shown me that!!!

sorry yall im just really emotional and i have a TON pent up but i cant seem to cry anymore and i feel like im on the verge of tears but i Cant and it sucks. and school is stressing me out and i think i probably have adhd which is getting in the way of everything and i have a huge thing this weekend and im Not prepared but i cant seem to get myself to DO ANYTHING i just sit in bed all day and lie to my mom about my assignments and i want to die i have a 4 page paper due in the morning that i havent started and fjwawkfjweioafjeiwofjiwoa

((((((it probably doesnt seem like ti but this feels really good to get out. i just wish i could dooooooo something)))))))

#jam rambles

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bigbrotherfiore · 4 years

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episode six: “i am about to shake this house down boots ” - addilyn

hoh: addilyn

evicted: rich

MIKKI: https://youtu.be/CBq0rnYR8mk

SZYMON: https://youtu.be/54DwTSjkhdw

SZYMON: https://youtu.be/SIByJuI7KtA

HALEY: https://youtu.be/wUZEHzxZB5w

daly said callout elise for playing both sides the MOMENT she stops playing both sides. im so mad. and admits that i was on the outs of their lil 4 so like bye whatever i dont even... im mad. because i think there is a difference between angrily saying someone is dangerous and outright exposing shit and also saying im in some alliance that im NOT in, he was wrong, so clearly i was right to say byeee because he thought that was a thing.

im just floundering. i feel the tension and i hate it. i dont know who i can trust of austin/sara even tho i want to and i'd lean towards neither even tho austin is trying to send me nice dms like "oh fuck" like yeah oh fuck dude ugh i dont even know what to say. addilyn should nom rich as the target but idk if i am in danger of going up beside him or as a renom. im on the outs of the entire game rn and pretty expendable to most people. i was hoping for hoh to prove my loyalty but i completely fucked it up by fumbling with my timer so RIP. hopefully i can survive regardless but it's definitely gonna be a hard path from here on out and i have no idea how to rebuild right now because nobody has any real trust for me. im gonna talk to some people more like lana and see what i can do. i could reach out to the bottom but i know they'd throw me under the bus no questions asked for doing that. my gameplay was not good this round, floaty untrustworthy lookin ass, but maybe i can make like regina george and survive being under the bus.

WHO WANT'S TO SEE MY HOH ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM feeling very glad i finally won a comp.. after coming second... This is far too much power for me to handle. But I am about to shake the house down BOOTS..........

So giving Daly a pity vote at this last eviction might have done more damage than good. Haley is pissed and wants to know who the other vote is and I can't tell her it was me, especially after I just told her I knew Daly before this game. It is also kinda hurting my own game because people are thinking that I was the vote to keep Daly and lol I was

Every day that continues in this house, it just makes it harder and harder to not tell Haley that I also know Sara as well from before this game began. I truly do believe that if I mention to her that I know Sara after seeing how she reacted about the Daly thing, I think that would be the end of our friendship. On the other hand, after this game she is going to find out regardless and she will probably never talk to me again... Luckily I told her about the Daly thing after he was already gone from the game or else that could have been really bad

Addilyn is the new HOH and I think this is good for my own personal game tbh... We have that Winnipeg connection and I truly believe she wants to keep me in this game because she gets genuine vibes from me. Unfortunately Rich and/or Sara will nominated this week and that will be a whole hassle to deal with

This game has become really unenjoyable over the last 24 hours for the reason that I hate having to lie to the people I genuinely love in this game. Knowing Sara and Daly from before this game really put me in a shitty position from Day 1. I didn't know either of them were applying but when they were both casted, I wanted to work with both of them immediately, then Haley came along. Haley has been my rock in this game and I know that I can trust her with my life in this game. She tells me everything about her game and it kills me to have to keep secrets from her but if she knew about me knowing Sara as well as Daly she would instantly not trust me and I want to go to the end with her...

I am getting real sick of Jakey in this game. He is going around starting rumours about every single person in this house and I am getting sick of it. It is clear he is working with Addilyn and Mikki because some things I have said to them only has gotten back to him word for word and that is upsetting because I really did trust Addilyn and Mikki and feel a little betrayed by them, especially if Addilyn nominated me this week after telling me I would be 100% safe

So another week where I escaped the block. Unfortunately Sara and Rich are on the block but all hope isn't over yet. We still have Devil's Lair and POV to get them off. Rich asked if I would play in the POV as his houseguests choice but I really didn't want people to see how close we are so I convinced him that picking Haley would be a better option for us. Hopefully I am not screwing myself over by setting myself up for the backdoor option this week...

LMAO not haley lying to me about not talking to Austin or ferg much when I know they're in an alliance together and her and Austin make it SO obvious that they are a duo. I can't help but laugh. it's cute how they think they are slick when they are literally MESSAGING ME THE SAME TIME, and like start messaging me after the other and then end at the same time it's just.....so obvious. like guys please try harder???? if you wanna be a secret duo keep it more secret??? you're literally in an alliance together I- and I know about it because you're aligned with MY secret duo. ahhhhh how cute of you to try how cute how cute. I'm so bitter and over these people like so over it every single thing out of haley and Austins mouths is FAKE and they think they are being so great at playing people but I'm sitting here playing them back it's so exhausting keeping up a fake conversation. the sad thing is I think I would love haley outside of this game. but in it she annoys the crap out of me because she's sooooo fake and boring. I'm over it.

So I somehow managed to avoid the block this week, considering a number of people were trying to get me up beside Rich because they were worried I would save him, which I would LOL. So from here, I have to casually try to sway the votes for Rich to stay, depending how the Devils Lair goes... I really don’t want to lose Rich and Mazden isn’t even playing this game so it’s not a difficult decision for me.

Rich is probably leaving tomorrow and this game is just getting worse and worse for me... It is literally killing me not being able to tell Haley about the full relationships I have with Daly and Sara and the longer I wait, the worse it is getting... I actually feel like a horrible human being lying to her...

(a little while later)

So I came clean to Haley about the whole knowing Sara/Daly thing because I do truly trust her with my life with in this game. Sara is probably gonna smack me when she finds this out but I will ensure that it won't affect her game. Haley means a lot to me and I couldn't wait until the end of the game to tell her or else she would probably never talk to me again.

So uh... there’s a lot to unpack here but really all I can say is that I’m really disappointed in myself for letting a dumb game really get to me and make me feel real things. Austin, Sara, and Daly all knew each other. AND have gamed together before. And took 1st, 2nd, 3rd in a previous game. Honestly, when he told me, I should have been more surprised but I wasn’t. I know I should be used to more people lying to me but he was like the #1 person I wasn’t lying to. And because of all of the work he put in to our relationship I believed he wasn’t either. But I was SO wrong. Poor rich, he and I connected immediately. And I know I stated before I don’t know who I would have picked, but I have a gross gut feeling that it would have been Austin based solely on how often we talked. Which makes me feel sick that I betrayed someone who I was great with for someone who did nothing but lie to me. Austin admitted he was the daly vote. And last night when he told me I told him I understood the vote but I didn’t understand the continued lying. And I’m not sure I stand behind that. I know this is a game of cut throat, do what you gotta do, scheming, etc... but I wasn’t here to play that way and Austin knew that. The fact that he voted against me at all really pisses me off and just hurts tbh. And Sara continually making comments about the daly thing makes so much more sense now. Like yeah I realize now how good you felt with him. You knew him! But I didn’t! BUT IF I HEAR YOU SAY WE NEED HIM OR HE WOULD HAVE HELPED THIS ONE MORE TIME ILL SNAP. You’re in my alliance, not daly. And If we all could have agreed on a renom or you let me put up jakey when I wanted to we wouldn’t be here. I also wouldn’t have put him up if I knew you all knew each other. I wanna tell sara really badly that I know. And I think rich deserves to know more than anybody. But I told Austin I’m not the type to ruin people’s games. So I’m not going to make a liar out of myself. WHICH REALLY SUCKS BECAUSE I LOVED MY IDEA OF A CAMEO GOODBYE FROM AN ACTUAL HOUSEGUEST DISHING ALL OF MY TEA. I don’t know where I want to go from here. I’ve put a lot of time and energy in to someone who didn’t need to. He had other people and was most likely playing me the entire time, he swears he wasn’t but there’s been so many lies I don’t even care anymore. I’m literally just so annoyed I let myself get here. I truly don’t want to play anymore, I don’t know if I have the emotional capacity to continue. Depending on who wins next week, I might volunteer to be a pawn and do some stupid shit to go. I’m not interested in just quitting, I don’t wanna ruin their game like that. But I’d rather have my fellow houseguests think I’m just a really bad game player rather than a coward who quit. Because it’s going to look like I quit for nothing. And really I did it to save myself from continually getting hurt, which is the first really selfish game move I plan on playing.

I am getting really sick of Sara/Haley/Rich talking about quitting this game just because we aren’t in power for one week. Yes, I will admit I was thinking about quitting my own but it was because I had to keep a huge lie from someone I truly do like and it was making her cry killed me but I wouldn’t ever go thru with it and to think that they are thinking of quitting just because things aren’t going our way for one week is really getting annoying...

Click HERE to see the Goodbye Messages for Rich.

youtube

#bbfiore #episodes

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bigbrothernetflix-st · 4 years

Text

EPISODE TWO

“I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my position in the game.” - dem

HOH: Josh C UPSIDE DOWN: Nick & Joshua NOMINEES: Emma & Nash POV: N/A FINAL NOMINEES: N/A EVICTED: Dem (Expelled)

EMMA

I been struggling in this game which is sad i want to have fun but yesterday made me feel like maybe having a meltdown and leaving 90 percent of servers was a good idea for me i really hope not i just really want to have fun and win for some reasons i always have trouble prejury in games trying to find my footing but at jury and late prejury i always know how to rise ASDFGH the people i really like rn are Jakey loml jev loml aria queen saira queen and also joshua is easy to talk too!!! nathan is also great

DEM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSgjyUhGTng

NASH

i simply think men should stop winning hoh and trying to nom me. its week 2 go target someone else j*sh. jev and i are cool now though <3 love him

DEM

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my position in the game. I think I'm not in anyone's bad graces so far, which is good. But I really need to win one of these next HoH's so secure my social relationships. My plan moving forward is to see win HoH's. I want to win the next to HoH's I'm eligible in back to back. I also want to try to secure my relationships with Gina, Jev, and Jake. Those are three people I want to be close with in this game. Also maybe Joshua? He's pretty cool and chill.

SAIRA

I'm still getting a sense of how the game works but I feel pretty good, there are some people that are much easier to talk to than others but everyone is still so nice! i feel good about josh c as hoh! we get along pretty well and I don't THINK im in any danger but you never know! imma be honest, I don't have an actual plan, i'm mostly playing this by ear, just talking to people, bullying beck when the chance arises, and being myself!

JOSH C

HELLO GIRLIES!

well, we won HOH and that's really EXCITING. i probably didn't need to win this week but i figured that i'd get a win under my belt while nominating people would still be EASY. i can establish trust with some people and get a "i didn't nom you, please don't nom me" situation going on. i also feel like the two people i'm going to nominate would have NOMMED me anyways because we just haven't talked..

who those people are? nash & emma. (vl don't hate me for only nominating women i didn't want it to come to this either)

but i just.. both of them have really only put in any effort to talk to me now that i'm HOH and i don't really LOVE that tbh. i've already told a few people that's who i'm thinking so i kind of accidentally locked myself in on these noms because there isn't any sense in throwing out more names than i have to!!

i have an alliance with kiki, brianna, jacob, jake, and aria. (i think that's the people in it? i wanna say that's right. LKFMSDG love this game for me) and i feel pretty good in that because i like all of them enough and they're people that will watch out for ME and each other. but i know my social connections go beyond that so i'm feeling pretty good with my spot in the game? i have a solid relationship with almost everyone in the game and i think i should be able to play a cute lil utr game for a few weeks. i don't think that i'll get targeted first if my alliance gets outed and if so.. i have ENOUGH faith in my comp strength and relationships to save me against MOST of the cast.

people kind of want me to nominate DEM because apparently he starts drama with people and has been a bit inactive. he's talked with me more than other people so im not super keen on throwing him on the block RIGHT AWAY but i'm thinking he's a good replacement nom because if people think he's MIA then no one other than him will be upset with me. maybe a backdoor? could be spicy..

i don't really know what else to say here so.. i hope this is enough! love u guys <3

BRIANNA

https://youtu.be/mJw3qxsZ-Bg

JEV

Okay so I feel like pretty comfortable this week because me and Josh have gotten pretty close and bonded over our mutual love of Lucas HOWEVER he's just let me know he's gonna be nominating Nash and Emma which isn't GREAT since I'm in alliances with both of them and they're the only 2 alliances I have so I really wouldn't want to see either of them go home this week, this SUCKS ASS

JAKE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tt2xRQqqax8

ARIA

how is it ONLY week 2 i feel so hecking exhausted fhsabfd, but that might also be the fact that is 2 am so,,,oop. Um okay recap time!!!! Recaps are so hard because theres minor details that i still want to note without seeming super annoying so heres a minor list of things im noticing

-Dem wants to "start playing the game" I told this to Jake (wish i could bold names ugh)

-Gina & dem told me they were gunning hard for hoh- i told nathan/monty/nick/,,,,and someone else this

-emma feels unconnected from cast

-Jake doesnt like Gina

-Josh likes Me Jev Kiki (told joshua)

-emma knows alliances are starting to form

-joey can get pwr hungry and chaotic + good comp ability

-told gnia my thoughts on the sides being "connected v unconnected" and other tidbits of info

-GIna (potentially joshua) doesnt like nash

-Nathan/Nash ARE CLOSE!!!!! WEE FUCKING WOO!!!!

-Told Jake that Jacob has the power (and the bs excuse he told gina pretending he doesnt have it,,,sure jan)

-jake is GREAT at lowering his threat lvl im sick

-Jev-Josh-Nathan-Nash all bonded p well on vc potentially an alliance

-jake tried to get gina nominated

-Emma Nash noms

-Jake doesnt want emma to leave

So,,,thats what you missed on GLEE! Honestly glee sucks but yeah thats all my info i would weave everything together with cute transitions but im TIRED and lots of this information doesnt really connect well so,,,have a bullet list!

okok nvm heres some general thoughts bc JUST a bullet point list is so boringgg im honestly not too sure what i want to do this week bc i think emma doesnt have a lot of people (although she has jake apparently,,,she might just be putting up a front of being unconnected ffs) so i would rather keep her around based on our relationship alone esp compared to nash whose been busy w/ irl things to reply i think (nash would prob do gr8 in old school bb,,,but new school is a whole other beast) HOWEVER!!! I need to protect gina who isn't the best conversationalist (sorry bb ily but its true <3) and keeping nash around ensures people have another "inact" target besides her but also nash is such a god connection for people like nathan and jacob and i would rather get her out sooner than later before we have another renee on our hands ...

Also i havent talked to the pasio peeps (omg if we ever make an alliance,,,that should be the name hehe) in a while and idk if theyre distancing themselves or if theyre just busy fndsjafd god im too paranoid for this game its awful. Also i think i mentioned the alliance with josh kiki bri jake jacob last time and it still isnt made and im PRAYINGGG it never gets made bc i have SUCH an awful feeling like SIX FUCKING PEOPLE??? S I X?? THAT IS GOING TO FAIL AND BLOW UP!!!! but i cant say no to an alliance so here i fucking am :/ also im trying to think of my longevity in this game and like,,, idk im nervous. I mean ive mentioned going to the end with multiple people but i have such a bad feeling im gonna go out 9/10 as a big move and i REFUSE to let that shit happen, not on my fucking watch no sir!! Not sure what to do about it yet but i feel like monty in particular doesnt trust me and i need his ass OUT! or maybe not if he comes around but like??? sir pls talk to me- i mean this phase of the game is early im setting up the pawns for later, but before later theres gonna be a couple explosions of my game which i'll have to deal with,,, or maybe not actually i mean in my first org i did a really well mastermind game with it- nvm it did explode on me once FDBSHFDS yeah so theres gonna be an explosion period but i think im getting good at dealing w/ the backlash from it and reintegrating myself..

oh also yeah im safe this week lol

anyway sorry for rambling so much LMAO have a trust ranking!

1.Gina (MY QUEEN!!!!!!!! i LOVE her!)

-BIG BIG FUCKING GAP-

2.Jake (listen,,,my thoughts go back and forth but he did tell me the noms so,,,have some rights)

3.Saira (we never talk game but i dont think she talks with anyone about game beyond maybe nick and also shes nice and im a sucker for nice girls)

4.Emma (if this isnt all just a front shes gonna make a great number for me,, might need to fact check some of her statements tho)

5.Joshua (honestly? i love him hes so funny and i think he has my back although he could be more act)

6.Nathan (literally havent talked in 3 days but also i have a soft spot for him <3)

-GAP-

sorry the Js are just kinda scary lmao JFNSDKF

7.Nick (!! we gotta an actual connection folks!! heck yeah!)

8.Josh c (im safe! but he D E F trusts others more than me such as Joshua and Jacob)

9.Jev (honestly a king but hes a little quiet although his reccs are the BOMB)

10.Jacob (i know youre being sneaky,,,idk what youre being sneaky with but im getting the vibes)

11.Dem (might be weird but i think he trusts me? at least a little bc he ranted about losing to me so O.0)

12.Brianna (youre adorable and deserve the world but everyone likes you,,,is this how people view me omg fhsabfhds)

13.Kiki (youre SO hecking sweet and actually u probs have a connections to nash but we havent talked ANY game yet)

14.Nash (p,,p-please talk to me uwu)

15.Joey (i dont trust you at ALL! Why? good question-)

was that mean? sorry in advance ilyall but also its 3 am brain empty no filter

NASH

i think jev and nathan might end up being good allies of mine (inb4 betrayal)! despite the mistake he made nomming me, talking to jev has been lovely so far he's getting me into loona LMFAO. and i just love nathan's energy & i feel like as the season goes on i can see him winning comps. i'm excited :3 hope josh c does not end my existence this week

JOEY

I feel FANTASTIC about Josh being HoH. I’m making sure that others are coming to me about gameplans, and I’m making sure I don’t come off as too pushy or aggressive in PMs. With most of the players, I’m trying to give them all the same energy and hype. It seems kinda weird to say this, but I’m not concerned about being nominated at this point. What I need to ensure is building my social relationships with people outside the “Crackhouse”, and yes that big ol friend group moved to Discord in 20 minutes like 6 months ago.

This is the first major game I’ve ever played with Skinny Nick(yes, I’m absolutely confused as to what to call them, I’m so used to calling Nick “Eve” that its going to take time to adjust.) Speaking of Nick, my social relationship with him is actually surprisingly similar. In the past, I felt as though it would be as “on-sight” as Tom & Jerry, and it actually isn’t turning out that way, which is surprisingly refreshing. Every day, I’m making sure I send Nick something different to diversify my social game with them. Yesterday, I asked Nick about his preferred streaming services for music and TV, and I discovered we have the same music service(Apple Music).

I’ve played one game with Monty before, but it was a disaster. We were in pairs, and it felt like we were on different planets. I did tell him to not worry about personal feelings when it comes to this game, because I compared the relationship of BB Netflix and the Crackhouse to the separation of church and state. I made that comparison because the two entities of church and state should never cross, but when they do it becomes disastrous, and I feel as though that same principle applies to this game.

Overall, I feel good, Emma may be going up on the block, but it shouldn’t affect me that much. We’re in the early stage, I want to make sure I’m good with everyone.

ARIA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFeox7LM1-E

JAKE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLkZ-BIIjTU

HOUSE MEETING

https://youtu.be/BZMorvWvyKY

HOST WEEKLY CAST ASSESSMENT WEEK 1 & 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vc-iMpkfrdw&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=3&t=0s

#bbnetflix st

0 notes

fatgumtouille · 6 years

Note

all the creepy shit, i dare you to answer all of it

MATT PLEASE omg ok

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

idk who I said it to tbh??? probably @trenazlore and YES I LOVE HER SO MUCH !!

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

NO OH MY GOD IM JUST AN OLD GRANDMOTHER

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

always ???? I mean like lately people have been really nice to me and Im happy because wow!! you like me!! also Im aggro because I hate me lol

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

Yeah I smile at them all the time?? Its kind of something I got used to after working retail for so long

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

Im not dating anyone lol also who the fuck cares ???

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

Heathens by 21p is ALWAYS on the radio and it reminds me of @bearlylocal because Josh Dunn is her boy

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

omg my Yamaguchi Tadashi cosplay shorts and a Celty Sturluson t shirt with the neckline cut lower and the sleeves cut off

8. How often do you listen to music?

Every day but its usually pandora or the radio in the car

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Im not a pants wearing girl but I wear jeans/nicer pants to work

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

TWENTY THIRTEEN

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

Social! I used to be antisocial but working in retail has really helped me open up to people and now I wont SHUT. UP

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

Nope

13. What about ‘R’?

No lol

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

NOOOO Scary

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Yeah and no like ???? Ok if I dont know abot it then whatever I guess

16. Are you going out of town soon?

Going up to LA for an anime con in January!!

17. When was the last time you cried?

I almost cried last night for no reason??? um probably a few days or weeks ago???

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

yeah all the time!

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

I would LOVE green eyes omg

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

FATGUM Or Justin Tomimori OR my pet rabbit Quincy

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

I bought a vacuum that was too small and now I have to take it back to the store ugh

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

Sure!

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

NO Omg

24. What are you sitting on right now?

my bed which is currently unmade and naked (also theres a bunny in my lap!)

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

Kristin and I say it to each other all the time ! Also Danni and most of my other friends

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

YEAh

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

UUUuhhh tumblr user @fatyumm

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

Maybe one or two bad ones a year

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

I think I bought it at an anime con?

30. Does anyone hate you?

P sure my two ex besties lol

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

AHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahHH YEAh

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

I love scary movies omg!!! rec me some !

33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

No Im too much of a weenie for that

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

GOD

freshman year of college? I would want to never move away fro school tbh

35. Did you have a dream last night?

YEAH it was almost sexy but I kept getting INTERRUPTED

then I had another one with my ex bestie in it

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Last night!

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Doubful

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

At least two tumblr anons I think

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

I hope so!

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

I felt really sick when I first got to work and then later on before bed but other than that it was ok

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

lol no try a whole year back

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

I HOPE The cute sample girl is working at the store Im stationed at tomorrow

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

not that I can think of off the top of my head

44. What’s the best part about school?

NOTHIng

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

So many

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

I DID in like seventh grade lol

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

YEA all the time

48. Were you single over the last summer?

Think so, yeah!

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

nope! I dont go to school anymore and i dont work at a pet store so things are p different

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

fuck idk??? Id LIKE to be writing fic

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

My dad ???? No but he IS a homophobe

52. Are you nice to everyone?

I try really hard to be !

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

YYEeeeaaaa

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Ive done it before and I know I can do it again

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Im SO good at pretending Im not crying

56. Do you think you like someone?

Fatgum

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

NOoooo

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

Girls and nb people

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Kristin had to deal with me crying all through the second half of RENT

60. Do you hate anyone?

No one I know personally but I wouldn’t be mad if something really terrible happene dto T/r/ump

61. How’s your heart?

It’s beatin

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

UUUMMM.....I just dont really like talking about what I was like in middle school I guess

63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

YEAH64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

the ex besties lol

65. Are your toenails painted pink?

they arent painted at all lol

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

sure hope not!

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

FUck if I know! I mean, I would hate to see the person Im with crying

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

my pants are always falling down because my butt is small

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

my mom

70. How do you look right now?

probably.....tired

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

lots of people!

72. Can you commit to one person?

yes!

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

”Opposite” sexes dont exist but I only have one close guy friend and we havent talked in a while but! I feel like I can tell @adol everything

74. Have you ever felt replaced?

lol when your bestie gets a bf

75. Did you wake up cranky?

no, just exhausted

76. Are you a jealous person?

I like to think not

77. Are relationships ever worth it?

I like to think so but....havent really ever experienced one that was

78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

HMMMmmmm

79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Id kill to see any of my friends rn but they all live far and Im poor lol

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

go to work and sell some Indian food

81. Last person you cried in front of?

honestly, probably Kristin but if we’re counting non humans? my bunnies

82. Is there someone you will never forget?

most of my friends, I HOPE

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

god I hope Fatgum is protective of me

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

I DONT SPEAK JAPANESE so probably just staring at each other awkwardly

(this is about both Fatgum and Justin)

85. Are you over your past?

who knows

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

WHATS AN OPPOSITE SEX LOL and no

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

Kristin!!

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

I mean who says anyone Ive dated in the past has been a “true love” of mine

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

IT WAS LITERALLY A RANDO AT SOME ANIME CON SO GOD NO

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

UUUUUUmmmmmmm.......I dont think my friends or family were ever fond of some of my exes....

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

dang, sure hope so

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

Ye, but we dont talk anymore

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

nah

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

No, I had just broken up with someone :/

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

IDK if I liked anyone in March??? I dont think I did

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

@hamsa-heart???? YES97. Who do you have texts from?

Kristin, Hazel, my mom, my boss, etc

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

sucks to suck but live your dreams dude

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

YEa

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

I dont think theres anyone else in any of my profile pics

101. Ever kissed under fireworks?

GOD I WISH102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies?

YYEEEAaahhh

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