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bachiras-toaster · 2 months

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Bf!Rin headcanons? 🤭

RIN ITOSHI x gn!reader

authors notes. i am IN LOVE with rin so im glad i wrote this instead of my college essays

╰┈➤ the type of person to keep your relationship strictly private. in fact, it’s because he loves you so much that he wants to keep your relationship private.

╰┈➤ private, not secret.

╰┈➤ it was no surprise to the public when it was discovered that professional footballer, rin itoshi, was dating you, especially since you did have connections to the Itoshi brothers previously anyway.

╰┈➤ from the beginning, the paparazzi pressing on the matter pissed him off. he hated how interviewers would always eventually get to bringing your name up, because it meant that your relationship was starting to be shared with the world.

╰┈➤ but more than that, it was because he had a such a soft spot for you that he couldn’t help but become nervous when people brought you up. and as annoying as the interviewers were, he couldn’t stand to be mad at them when they gave him an excuse to talk about you.

╰┈➤ he’s probably half the reason your relationship wasn’t as private as he’d hoped. he was just such an unintentional blabbermouth.

╰┈➤ when you’re actually with him in public, he tends to get overprotective.

╰┈➤ when you’re in the streets, you need to be holding hands; when you’re at social gatherings, his palm needs to be attached to your hip.

╰┈➤ not just for safety reasons, but he supposed he also needed to constantly remind people that the two of you are together.

╰┈➤ when he realises that he’s getting approached by fans in the street, he’ll subtly hide you behind him so that you’re not pestered, and you’ll watch with a soft smile as rin is forced to take photos and sign autographs.

╰┈➤ despite maintaining a cold facade, he somehow manages to talk do gently when it’s to you.

╰┈➤ if the two of you are at a party he’s clearly uncomfortable being in, he’d slowly scoop your hands into his and plant a gentle kiss on your knuckle before muttering, “it’s getting loud. do you want to leave?”

╰┈➤ honestly, it’s quite impressive how quickly he’s able to switch tones.

╰┈➤ he can go from kindly whispering words of affirmation in your ear to screaming expletives to a random man, threatening to fight him where they stood and ordering him to stop hitting on you.

╰┈➤ rin’s jealousy is actually an unheard of level of rage.

╰┈➤ every time bachira jokes with you, isagi compliments you, or any of his other team members hang out with you one-on-one, it’s like a ticking time bomb in his mind.

╰┈➤ rin trusts you with all his heart, but his possessiveness is a little louder than his compassion, and he’s rather eat both of his shoes than put you aline in a room with a man that isn’t him.

╰┈➤ he is willing to start the most outrageous scenes over it.

╰┈➤ once, shidou publicly dedicated a shot to you during an important match just to piss rin off, and he went ballistic.

╰┈➤ he had maintained himself on the pitch, but as soon as he reached the locker room, rin was already prepared to pack shidou up and send him to the emergency unit.

╰┈➤ a good fight definitely would have ensued, had he not been stopped by his teammates holding him back.

╰┈➤ plus, you continuously warned him not to fight because you hated seeing him show up to your dates with bruises and marks— his injuries from football were already enough.

╰┈➤ he hated defying you, but sometimes he just really couldn’t help himself.

╰┈➤ the days where he would literally feel himself freeze before knocking on your apartment door because he knew that his injuries would tell you that he got into another fight were the worst for him.

╰┈➤ because you always looked at him with that certain face of disappointment before simply sighing and letting him in, ready to properly tend to his wounds.

╰┈➤ he’s so gentle when he’s in private with you.

╰┈➤ you could spend hours cradled in his arms, listening to the dulcet mumbles of his voice as he told you about his day.

╰┈➤ when be gets home from a match or training, all he wants to do is cuddle you mindlessly with a tv show in front.

╰┈➤ sometimes he’s mumble about how annoying his teammates were today and how he’s glad he can finally lay down with you.

╰┈➤ to many’s surprise, he’s really the sweetest boyfriend ever.

#blue lock x you #blue lock x reader #blue lock #blue lock x y/n #blue lock rin itoshi #rin itoshi x you #itoshi rin x reader #rin itoshi x reader #itoshi rin #rin itoshi #rin itoshi x y/n #bllk fluff #bllk imagines #bllk x you #bllk

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psiroller · 2 months

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thinking about chilchuck enlisting his daughters to help w/ preparing to host king laios for a few days while he has business in kahka brud and they just make their dad absolutely fucking miserable. he commissions flertom to help make him some half-foot style clothing to keep him cool in the heat/make a good impression and has to take it over himself bc flertom gets VERY INTERESTED in measuring his inseam. puckpatti keeps teaching laios "friendly greetings" in half-foot tongue that actually mean "kick me" or "eat shit and die." mayjack's being a good kid and staying out of trouble but she has such a flat affect and a resting bitch face that laios is convinced she hates him and wants him dead for porking her dad on the dl. she literally does not care and doesn't realize this is happening until laios tries to have a heart to heart about stepping in on her family unit and shes like "wait is that why dad doesn't have a stick up his ass anymore? huh. well, that's nice. never bring this up to me again." "i really don't plan to, haha" "he had me build a little ring-sized keepsake box btw" "WH--"

laios has to pretend to be surprised and he is NOT GOOD at it. the girls are in deep shit. he gathers them at the dinner table like "im not even mad im just disappointed. what the fuck girls. honestly. why do you hate him so much" "??? what are you talking about" "laios is cool! we like him!" "THEN WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU ACTIN LIKE A BUNCHA ANIMALS" "because he's a part of the family now. this is how it always is."

chilchuck gets such a violent headache he takes everyone out for ice cream. he can't even argue. he gets rum raisin and cries when he doesnt get a buzz

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jennas-stuffs · 10 months

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our little secret: mission impossible

TW: unprotected sex, piv, fingering, hickey-making, nipple-sucking, brief head (fem receiving), fluff, fem reader.

authors note: this is my first time writing smut so i’m definitely open to tips and constructive criticism 😭

i can’t believe i’m saying this but im actually excited about a college class this year. i’ve always loved criminology, i watched basically every tv series there is containing it growing up. so it’s safe to say i didn’t hate the actual subject my last three years, i just hated the professor. ok sure i doze off every now and then but i know my stuff. it’s just that, he doesn’t believe i do. just because he’s some super genius only a year older than me and already teaching people doesn’t mean that he gets to be the only smart one. enough about him because my complaints have finally been heard and the administration finally finally let me switch classes. i can finally be rid of him. i walk into class with my head up high only to find my posture slump down and my smile fade into a frown.

“hello again y/n, you didn’t think you would get rid of me that easily huh?”

what the actual fuck. what the fuck happened.

“i thought i was switching classes.” i say with my jaw shut tight

“i promised the admins that they wouldn’t have to do all that because i would make it work. also it doesn’t look too good for me when one of my students transfers out my class because we were having ‘altercations.’

the sound of every word out of his mouth is almost identical to the sound of nails on a chalkboard. i nod so he can shut up and angrily stomp to a seat. out of spite, i nap my way through his class and to my surprise i wake up to the sound of the bell signaling my next class. i wake up confused, “why didn’t he wake me up? he always does, he loves disturbing my beauty sleep.” i shake it off and pick up the class paperwork i’ll have to make up along with my homework. a week passes by with undisturbed sleep, this is just getting weird. maybe this is what he meant by making it work. if it is, i’ll have to stay i expected more from him. hes so professional and strict, as would anyone expect coming from an ex-fbi agent. i mean this guy literally saw people die in front of him, and didn’t one of the serial killers set him up to be put in jail? what does he think he’s doing letting me sleep in his class? i should confront him. if he wants me in his class, he’s gonna have to earn it. he thought he could have the easy way out with me, oh no no no. i make a plan to set an appointment with him at the end of the day.

his office is neat and organized like i expected. too bad his freakishly tidy desk is gonna get a glimpse of this sleep deprived, angsty, college student.

we sit down and he quickly releases an exhale.

“so i’m assuming this meeting is about our non-existent altercations, because your grades are great, y/n. i haven’t started a feud just yet so what’s going on?”

i stand up rapidly, pushing my seat backwards. i slam my hand on his desk, leaving a mark on his papers, not like i care though.

“good job figuring that one out professor genius. so listen up. if you think just letting me sleep thorough your class is gonna prevent me from complaining to the admins again, think again. you probably think this is the easy way out so you don’t have to actually work it out with me well guess what. that’s extremely unprofessional. and in all honesty i expected more from you. im disappointed, professor reid. i guess your retired days from the fbi really tore you down huh? you don’t have that same spark in you- you”

“i know about your nightmares y/n.”

…

“what?”

“i’m retired from the fbi, correct. from the behavioral analysis unit. i can still profile people you know. from what i’ve noticed, you barley get any sleep and run on coffee. the work you miss in class you use as an excuse to stay up late at night to procrastinate on the sleep you know will wake you up in cold sweat the next morning. the only good sleep you seem to get, is the one in my class. see, i used to mind the fact that you were just sleeping though my lectures but it’s never interfered with your grade. so, i figured since it’s your last year of college and all i would allow my period to be your nap time.”

…

i sit down shamefully and shrink in my seat. i’m so embarrassed. he was just trying to help me and i snapped at him. i feel like an idiot.

“im so sorry. and thank you. thank you so much.”

one more word and i’ll burst out crying. i quickly pick up my bag and head for the door. but my wrist is grabbed by a warm hand.

“wait, y/n?”

i turn around to meet his eyes and pray he doesn’t notice the extra liquid in them.

i clear my throat, “yes professor reid?”

my wrist hasn’t been released yet.

“are you getting help for the- you know.”

“um i used to when i was little and it helped and they went away, but it came back.”

“when?”

“since i started college.”

“can you sit back down please, i just want to talk.”

here he is being so helpful and i’ve been hating him this whole time. when he wasn’t worried for my grades, he was worried for my sleep, and when he isn’t worried for my sleep, he’s worried for my mental health. i feel like such a petty bitch.

my wrist is released and we sit down.

we talk for hours and hours and he tells me stories of when he was an agent. i’ve never laughed so much in my life. we trade in our top worst and best moments in our lives when he realizes…

“wait so, sorry, if this is crossing a line and feel free to not answer but you’ve had boyfriends. but you’ve never had sex?”

“yeahh that’s accurate. it’s just everytime i think about someone seeing me naked i just get tense, like, just the thought of it makes me squirm.”

“so you have body image issues?”

“woww way to be slick with that one profiler, but sure, i guess.”

he laughs. and this laugh was different from all the other ones because it was this laugh i realized i don’t hate his voice anymore. it actually sounds, nice.

“so you’re telling me you’ve tried everything, all your therapists have given you medication and nothing really stuck?”

“i’m a lost cause doc.”

“don’t say that.”

…

“you know you haven’t tried everything.”

“sex makes me barf. no way.”

“hey a pretty girl like you can easily find some college guy to mess around with. don’t be so closed minded y/n.”

“mhm because you’ve had so much experience.”

his face goes pink.

“how did you know?”

“what? no i was kidding. wait. you’ve never had sex either? YOU HYPOCRITE!”

“it’s much easier said than done.”

“hey, a handsome guy like yourself can easily find some girl to mess around with. don’t be so closed minded professor.”

“spencer”

“what?”

“in my office, you can call me spencer”

“okay, spencer, how about we make a deal.”

“what kind of deal?” he says with a raised eyebrow

“the first to have sex is the better person because they are not a hypocrite.”

“that sounds like mission impossible but. ok. fine. deal.”

“REALLY? i was just joking but OKAY DEAL.”

we shake hands and i go back to my dorm and sleep. i slept, better, that night.

we check in with each other everyday to see if the other person won yet.

“has mission impossible been completed professor?”

“nope. what about you y/n?”

“nope.”

that’s not all we did, though. we went out to cafes to talk about life and how us virgins are channeling that sex energy into some other thing. seeing professor reid, i mean spencer, outside of school was weird. all of sudden his eyes were easier to look into. i just couldnt get enough of them. it was like i was drowning in them. don’t get me started on that voice paired with that cute face. i could just snuggle myself up into each word that came out of his mouth. but we had that same check up conversation everyday after class for a whole month until…

“hey y/n?”

“yeah?”

“are you free by the end of the day i wanna talk to you in my office”

“what happened to meeting up at the cafe? wait. did i miss an assignment? i’m so sorry i’ll make it up i swear.”

he smiles and laughs. that beautiful laugh. “no no i just wanna talk in a more private setting. you know how people can eavesdrop in cafes.”

“oh yeah sure i’ll see you then.”

“see you.”

WHY DID I SAY SURE? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. THAT WHOLE REASON WHY I NEEDED US TO BE IN A CAFE WAS BECAUSE IT WAS PUBLIC. i can’t help myself when i see him. i know it’s wrong because he’s my teacher but he’s just a year older? i’m trying to justify these feelings for him but i can’t. i can’t help it. he’s so nice to me and i don’t deserve it, i just wanna repay him. no,nonononono. i can’t. not in that way. i have a meeting with him and it’s in his office so it’s strictly professional.

…

“hey y/n”

“hi professor”

he raises an eyebrow.

“hi spencerr, ” i say as i roll my eyes.

“ok good so uh.”

he pulls his chair and adjusts mine so that we’re sitting face to face, with no desk in the middle. god, this is gonna be a long meeting for me.

“i think we’re gonna have to switch your class”

“what?! why! we just started getting along don’t ruin it now!”

truthfully, i wouldn’t mind. all this tension i felt would definitely tone down if i didn’t see him so much. but i wanna see him, i love the butterflies he give me. it’s just so annoying i can’t do anything to ‘relieve’ them.

“well we’re just too friendly now, there’s barley any teacher-student boundaries.”

“are you serious. YOU’RE THAT ONE THAT INSISTS I CALL YOU BY YOUR FIRST NAME.”

he smiles “it’s not only that”

“you’ve chewed up my heart by making me switch classes, so, spit it out.”

“i think i like you.”

my heart feels like it’s gonna pop out of my chest, my pussy throbes and my stomach get butterflies. i get this overwhelming feeling of kissing him. but i can’t. we can’t. we shouldn’t. i look to the door and i look back at him. i stand up and walk up to the door, and lock it. i close the blinds and look at him.

“i like you too spencer.”

he grabs me by the waist and pins me to the door. we’re half a centimeter away from each others lips. looking at each others eyes and looking back down at each others lips.

“we shouldn’t.”

he nods, “we shouldn’t”

we slam each others lips against each other, making me let out the dirtiest of moans. he looks down on me and watches me unfold underneath him.

“you’re just a hot mess for me hm?”

i whimper and notice the throbbing feeling in my pussy intensify. it’s a hot steamy make out scene in his pretty little office, and i wonder how badly we can mess it up.

“spencer?” i gasp, barley having enough breath between kisses.

“fuck. say my name again please y/n.”

i moan, “spencer”

“again baby”

i cry out “spencer”

he says in his sweet voice “yes y/n?”

“fuck me.” i say in a whimper

and with those two words he kicks off his shoes and kisses me again. i mirror him taking off his clothes, working is way down, and up. once we’re both completely stripped he takes a second to look me up and down.

“you’re beautiful. all this time you’ve been hiding this?”

he bends his knees in front of me and kisses my breasts. i giggle at the feeling it gives me, similar to a tickle. he is just so sweet it melts me. while making out we move to his desk, where he pushes all his papers to the floor. he lays me down and my skin winces at the coldness of the wood. he’s sucks on my top lip, bottom lip, my jawline, my neck, my collarbone, making his way down to my nipples. i whimper, feeling his tongue go around in circles. i let out a loud moan, almost a scream, and notice the sudden arch my back went into when he starts to suck. he plans to leave every intimate place on my body with a hickey.

“you wanna leave marks on me spencer?”

he nods, making his way to the other nipple.

it’s just the sound of my whining and his sucking in his office, he breaks the silence for a second.

“i wanna show everyone you’re mine.”

then immediately goes back to sucking.

“my neck shows that enough-mm- spencer.”

“spencer… ohh spencer”

“yes y/n”

“feel me.”

that seems to have gotten him to stop sucking and he sticks to fingers up my throbbing pussy. i whimper at the motion.

“so wet, all of this for me?”

“mhm all for you”

he moves his fingers up and down, making me become a moaning, whining, whimpering, ‘hot’, mess again.

“spencer?”

“yes baby”

“i need you inside me.”

he looks down on me and suddenly the innocent light in his eyes disappear, witnessing a dark cloudy haze rolling in, covering his eyes.

“oh yeah?”

too far deep in the storm that is his eyes to speak, i simply nod. plus, that “oh yeah?” left me FOLDED.

he leaves a trail of kisses on my inner thighs, making me squirm. i feel the heat on his breath when he sticks out his tongue and sucks my core. he sits up and holds his dick, moving the the tip up and down against my folds.

“damn it spencer,” sounding like a whining brat, “stick it in already.”

he slams it in, thrusting forcefully, but slowly.

“faster.”

“yes baby”

i moan, grabbing his hair for support while my back arches even more, begging for more.

he speeds up, faster and faster, filling the office with the sound of unholy clicking, and not the type of clicking that comes from a clock. wet clicking.

i keep moaning his name…

“spencer, spencer, spencer?, oh fuck spencer, yes, please, fuck, fuck, spencer, i’m gonna cum im gonna cum, spencer.”

my head jolts back as he rails me through my orgasm.

…

now we’re laying on top of each other on his, now, filthy desk, covered in our cum and sweat. as we catch our breath i say unconsciously out loud,

“oh shit.”

i feel his laugh vibrating from his chest to mine.

“no, spencer, this is bad.”

“why?”

i sit up now realizing the mistake i made. he mirrors my action with a concerned expression.

“isn’t there some kind of rule in the university’s handbook that forbids students from having sexual relations with their teachers? i mean that’s considering that an average professor would be much older than them, usually it would be illegal anyways. do you think they would make some sort of exception? wait, do you think we’d have to tell them? will i get suspended? will you loose your job? oh my god, ok. so what if… what?”

he keeps staring at me rambling with a goofy smile plastered on his face that’s suppressing a laugh.

“whattt?”

“you know no one has to know about this, right?”

“but what if someone finds out?”

“y/n, what time did i have you come meet me in this office?”

“7pm”

“mhm.”

my eyes widen at the realization.

“ok so you made me come over when you knew the office would be closed just so you could confess your feelings to me, in your office, when the building was closed and everyone went back home?”

“yeah.”

“you know you could’ve just invited me over to your place. you didn’t have to make it so complicated.”

“well our situation is complicated, and if we want to continue to explore this ‘situation,’ we’re gonna have to be sneaky.”

i feel my face heating up.

“soo your likee my secret loverrrr”

he cracks a smile.

“i guess this’ll be our little secret.”

…

after we get back in our clothes and walk out together to our cars, he turns to me and says,

“hey y/n, have you completed mission impossible?”

“yup, what about you?”

“yeah, same.”

😱😱😱 THE END 😱😱😱

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narwhalandchill · 1 month

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spicy take incoming but i kinda wish ppl werent so desperately attached to and protective of this moniker of Great Big Brother 100% Perfect So True And Real when it comes to childe bc honestly. he really isnt (perfect or even that good at times) and to me acknowledging the ways both he and his family (for enabling him) are in some ways kinda just. doing teucer incredibly dirty in the long term but only with the best of intentions in the short term is so much more interesting than just pretending hes a flawless brother?? like it only adds to the drama and irony of it all man like theyre rly so dysfunctional as a family unit its great. even if hoyos likely never exploring that shit in its true depth it still lives rent free in my head for sure lol

like. you rly dont have to turn ajax into some sort of unfeeling uncaring monster of a shit brother to acknowledge that he does, in fact, repeatedly make incredibly reckless and selfish choices during his SQ with teucer and in general by choosing to obstruct the truth of who he is from lil bro so completely?

like this stuff can be nuanced and coexist with his absolutely 100% genuine commitment to protecting teucers bubble of a worldview (and w the theme of childlike dreams and wishes being so prevalent in general who knows what could be cooking w that one in particular) and his loyalty and love for his family without just having to whitewash the dumb shit he does lmao

like just bc hes capable of and willing to face the potentially grave repercussions of absolute bangers (🙄🙄) like teaching an actual fucking child to consider ruin machines fun besties and 100% insta ready to fuck himself up by protecting teucer at the cost of aggravating his still-unhealed injuries from the liyue AQ when dottores abandoned lab turns out to be more lively than expected doesnt. make that choice not a very irresponsible one yall im begging 💀

like. hes the adult here . the entire situation unfolding as dangerously as it does in the factory is Absolutely all on HIM for not being able and/or willing to disappoint teucer by just . Doing the mature thing and sending him away to safety because HES gotten too attached to this idea of being his lil siblings' loyal knight and perfect brother that Always finds a way to surpass the expectations no matter the cost its a role HE wants to keep playing despite the risk

like its So obviously a pride thing for him too and thats so fucking interesting because Of how flawed and questionable the logic is!! like yes he truly cares about teucer and ensuring he has a great unforgettable time during this impromptu escapade in liyue like thats not up to debate but the point im trying to make is that the choices he makes are Still very much intertwined with his ego and overconfidence and not really based all that much on Whats Actually The Best Approach Here. he improvises a way to give teucer the best mr cyclops outing he has ever seen bc HE wants to be the one offering him that experience and ends up biting off a bit more than he can chew and he can only blame himself for that one and This Isnt Fucking Sustainable

like i dont think that makes him evil but i do think it showcases his arrogance and flaws in a very concrete way and is a part of why calling him a perfect brother or at least one without an asterix just. rubs me off wrong lmao

like idk feel free to keep calling him that if its important to u and all if u want idc (and i do to some extent get why this defensive narrative of insisting hes great no issues at all emerged bc i remember 1.1 some ppl acting like hes childcare satan for how he treats teucer lol) but. at least like . Be willing to chip in to fund the therapy teucers going to need for those lifelong trust issues in the future man 💀

Bc Thats The Other Thing. now tonia and anthon i dont consider a part of this bc at least they Know hes in the fatui and hiding the gory details of ur harbinger job from ur baby sibs is like. fair enough and reasonable. but. crafting an Entire different AU version of yourself and feeding it to your baby brother as what constitutes actual reality surely is a choice of all times like ajax ily but genuinely . What the fuck if you were real id throttle you

AND HIS FAMILY ENABLING IT THE ENTIRE TIME ITS CRAZY LIKE. As a person with multiple siblings both older n younger with some similar age gap cohorts involved. God id snitch so fucking fast i dont think ppl rly stop and think much abt how objectively horrifying this shit is from teucers long term pov 😭 in the best way obviously given its fiction like its so scrumptiously awful and dysfunctional .

(& just in general man im just so obsessed with the way ajax 14 basically broke the eggshell of his past life and emerged to rise towards his destiny drowned in the guts and gore of the place and people and community he once called home unconditionally. Bro he fucked that town UP and now his family relations will never ever be the same its so fucking Delicious. those 3 days missing and what followed are just Actually a literal fucking horror movie when you stop blindly stanning our ginger menace, forget ajax' side and take the pov of his family and morepesok in general Why Are People Not Talking About This)

like. its not that i dont understand Why this is sth childe ended up doing as i said Thats The Point. its human. teucer is the only one in the family who wasnt there during that fateful 3 days/months . Like yea anthon and tonia were prolly sheltered from most of the carnage back then too but they still Know where he was sent when he became literally uncontrollable and almost killed the neighbors (everybody & their mom loves demonizing his parents as if his demon spawn ass left them a fucking choice JFEJSJSJSKDKS) . like its at least Known.

but then theres teucer.

And like. teucers the Only one with whom ajax can even pretend to have that delusion (ha) of normalcy and a family that hasnt seen him gaze into the abyss and stare back bloodied and grinning ear to ear . like. hes the only shot childe can have at even playacting some crude imitation of normalcy before Everything and even That comes with an expiration date hes fully aware of. so theres just lies after lies after lies and the fact that even his family just. if not actively partaking in the charade then at least silently allows the entirety of it to happen to teucer whos the Only fucking one out of the loop is just..... dude its not fair on him At All

Misleading teucer THIS much is just. its fucking horrible man but i GET it. thats why its so delicious man i GET it but god its just . imagine being teucer in this situation.... thats his entire fucking World shattered once the truth comes out. Everyone close to him has been lying to him his entire time. They all knew and they let him be misled. Like sure he might be happier Now with ajax dutifully protecting that childhood dream of his but after that. Just. sit on this for a bit. after everything do we Really think teucers just going to understand why it came to be and see it as worth it???? Will he really????

yet at the same time as awfully cruel it all is its just So human!!!!! Its so human of both ajax and his family to use the innocence of the only child that was spared the aftermath of worlds best/worst 3 month abyss training camp to indulge in this flawed false reality where their third son didnt walk into the void and come back hungry for More until only the fatui could take him and even then it only spurred him on further on that path. Like its all an act and a lie and its just. Not fucking fair on teucer but hes still doing it and theyre letting him even tho they Know it wont last theyre all looking teucer in the eye every day and letting him believe like man....

like in both the entire ruin factory sequence And in general hiding the truth from teucer as extensively as childe does hes being incredibly selfish but at the same time its selfishness only rly in the way all people are when it comes to Wanting to be seen a certain way by the ones they love and care about. and thats what makes it so interesting. bc as much as the choices he makes are dubious (or like. this decision makes sense to him. a morally bisexual total omnivore ethics-wise narwhalpilled since 14 who sees exclusively in abyss shrimp colors and acts accordingly) both they and the motivations behind them are also just. So very human ones . as terrible as the implications and eventual inevitable downfall of those choices can (will) be.

like. is it not that much more fascinating to consider all the ways that childe is neither a particularly exemplary nor an egregiously bad brother just one that. Happens to be wired weird in the head and proud and flawed and with a track record of heavily suspect decision-making but that also very much genuinely loves his family man. Like i can love that about him without dismissing the fact that theres parts to how hes treating teucer that 100% can and imo rly should backfire horrifically bc. It really just is that fucked up

hes not a good brother hes Worse AMD better than that and also not alone in this like. his family is an active fucking part of this . But like still . Is he trying his best with his abyss shrimp colored vision ? Yes. Is his love genuine? Absolutely. What are the marks? 3/10 meet me in the office after class mister youre just actually horrible (affectionate) 😭

A perfect brother? Not My Ajax man 🗣🗣 and like theres SO MUCH to explore in that it makes me so sad you just. Never see any of it p much in fanworks bc we all just call him best bro and whatever and thats that like its so sad. this family is terrible horrible awful and no good and they deserve it but also didnt deserve it it was misfortune it was fate it was inevitable . justice for teucer man i need to get him in therapy asap

#tonia will call him a perfect brother and ppl take it at face value is so.#dude NOBODY in that fuckimg family is in the place to say jack shit abt whats healthy familial dynamics n whats not #now like. do i know that theyll most likely never Truly let ajax experience teucers righteous rage at the betrayal #and instead brush it off where hes like youre still my brother i love u #Yes. unfortunately. but god he doesnt fucking deserve any of that like he SHOULD lose teucer forever #teucer should go full scorched earth no contact the entire family like its r/relationship_advice addressing mild drama #and theyd all deserve it. even as i understand Why they did this.and sympathize with it .#this is why he and the narwhal deserve each other btw hes just kimda fucking terrible sometimes #yes i had to make this about them too #genshin #rambles #childeposting

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florwal · 6 months

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girl could you pls give us a for rent pack review cause im getting so many conflicting reviews😭 we need a real one to help us out!

i haven’t had much free time to play around with it but i can definitely give my opinion on what i’ve experienced so far!

world:

disappointing tbh. for a world that’s finally not super american, they could’ve done a lot more. it feels lazy.

some of the debug buildings are cool, and the world IS pretty but it just gets meh after a while. it doesn’t matter how good something looks, if there’s nothing to do what’s the point? BORINGGG. this is the case with pretty much any new world atp. lots of set dressing but not much to actually do.

i’m so sick of the new worlds having debug plants mostly from older packs like just give me more damn plants PLEASE.

hardly any npcs walk around so it feels very dead. the night market had like 1 sim show up. half of the stalls are decorative.

too many rabbit holes but the beaches are nice.

waaaaay too fucking small. the fact that there’s only 2 neighborhoods and the biggest lot is a 40x30??? bitch what???? for an ep that’s meant to have a lot of apartments… u can’t really build big places in the new world at all. yeah, the new lot type works in any world BUT it’s still an odd choice to me.

build/buy:

LOVE that there’s so many gross/dirty things. i really like the nasty wall decals and the fact that most objects have swatches that look old and used.

super happy about the functional water heaters, radiators, and electrical things.

build/buy doesn’t feel super cohesive to me.

cas:

haven’t gone through all the items much. don’t have much to say about it yet.

wish there was an aspiration to be a slumlord

gameplay:

i’m obsessed with the chance of infestations 🪳🩷 and i really like the mold lot trait. there’s a lot of references to tlou and the mold spreads very quick and gets super chaotic, but i enjoy it.

the nosy trait is fun and the cringe trait is goofy.

bugs/glitches:

a fucking NIGHTMARE for me. i’ve wanted to cry and rip my hair out several times.

there are ways around this, but residential rentals can make everything u placed off lot with tool mod get deleted. i had to go back to an older version of my save to get them back. i’m in the middle of updating my save for christmas and want to get it out asap and this set me back a lot so i’m PISSED!!!!

lot and unit names don’t stick. they revert back to a generic name generated by the game. same thing with editing the rent $ amount and lease days. they all get set back to a game generated one. one of my units also changed to 4 million simoleons and another one became a -negative number and trying to change it back fixed nothing.

the new lot type lags so fucking much it’s basically unplayable and u have to switch back to the regular residential, build and decorate whatever, and then switch to residential rental to set which rooms u want to be units as a last step. some people said repairing the game fixes the lag, but it didn’t fix anything for me. only the new lot type is lagging and freezing for me.

the new landlord sim i made didn’t make any money at all? he owns multiple properties.

overall:

i’m glad there’s south east asian representation but ea could’ve done a lot more.

i would never pay $40 for an expansion pack that feels like a game pack and has a lot of issues. please 🏴‍☠️ that shit if u get it.

if ur mostly just a builder or really want apartments and a new world, get it now. if u don’t, ur not missing that much imo. u can always wait for a sale or for bug fixes (if we ever get any lmfao look at mws and dine out)

#haven’t gone through cas much #i’ll definitely talk more about it as i play around #asks

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midnightsconspiracy · 1 year

Text

Perception

Perception - @midnightsconspiracy

Summary: Sometimes you need to put your heart before your head, especially when it comes to Jay Halstead.

Warnings: None

Word Count: 744

Requested: No

A/N: IM BACK BITCHES!!!

Masterlist

Jay Halstead was a menace in your life, because, despite everything your head was telling you, you knew you would somehow end up in his bed sooner rather than later. He was just always there, with his stupidly handsome face and that annoying smirk he'd reserved only for you. And although you knew the rules Voight had laid out, 'no in-house dating', when he was standing there, looking so god damn good, your alcohol-fuelled brain just couldn't resist making a move.

And so that's where you found yourself, at god knows what time in the morning, carefully trying to manoeuvre yourself out of bed without waking the sleeping man. Wincing every time he stirred, you slowly managed to lift yourself off the bed, quietly reaching for your clothes that lay scattered around the room. Sneaking out of the bedroom, you made your way toward the kitchen, needing to find anything that would stop the incessant pounding headache that signalled your impending hangover. The water did little to quell any of your pain though, instead, you stood there squeezing your eyes shut, hands braced against the kitchen countertop.

In your moment of weakness, you failed to hear the slow footsteps coming up behind you, only realising once two arms found their place wrapped around your waist. Tensing up at the feeling, you opened your eyes, leaning into the man behind you.

"Jay…" you whispered, this wasn't the type of affection you wanted if you were to remain impartial, but you'd already given in. Sleeping with him once you could say it was a mistake, but twice, now that would be harder to justify. Plus this was just a one-night stand after all, wasn't it? You'd heard what he was like with other women as well, especially cops in your unit. And you weren't prepared to be just another Erin or Hailey, dating the man for a while until an inevitable break up. Or one of the many women he'd pick up at whatever bar he'd chosen for that night.

Reaching down, you pried his hands from around you, dropping them soon after to turn to face him. Though you'd originally expected him to bear a lusty face, one begging you to come back to bed, instead painted a picture of concern and disappointment. It was if somehow he didn't want you just for sex, and actually cared for you. But no, this was Jay Halstead after all, and you were nowhere near his league. Or were you?

"What are you doing up? I was hoping you'd stay the night at least," he asked, caressing up your arms in an all too affectionate way. "Really?" Now your head and heart were really torn. One way telling you to just let go, go back upstairs with him and just relax, have fun. But logistically, what if it didn't work? Then you'd have to return back to the unit as just another one of Jay Halstead's conquests, tarnishing the reputation and respect you'd fought so hard to gain in the first place. Pulling you out of your thoughts, he tilted your chin up initiating the eye contact he so needed to gain your trust. "Yes, I didn't just invite you out tonight for friendly drinks. Can't you see I like you?"

Retracting back into yourself, a confused look settled on your face. Not once in the thousands of scenarios you'd ran through your head was this a possibility. Him rejecting you, ignoring you, even humiliating you in front of the rest of the unit, those are the things you'd imagined, but not this. Your brain was struggling to comprehend the situation as he stood before you looking so genuine. He liked you? YOU!

Silence rang heavy through the air as you stood there working out what to say, your mind searching for the right words. "I don't understand, you want me?" Mumbling over your words, you somehow managed to form a cohesive sentence, watching as his face pulled up into a smile. Jay was surprised at the self-deprecating words that left your mouth, here stood a person so perfect in his eyes that he could fault a single thing, and yet you were surprised at his like for you. "Of course, I want you. Now how about we go back upstairs?"

Giving in, you let him grab your hand, leading you back up to his room to spend the rest of the night showing you just how much he liked you. Because maybe Jay Halstead was different from what you'd imagined after all.

Taglist:

@mileika @nerd-88 @brookerz122493 @Amazingbutterflyes @carnationworld @shootingcosmos @mrspeacem1nusone @chazubagi @scarletsoldierrr @morganupstead @panaitbeatrice @anotherfan07 @one-sweet-gubler @thexbookxnerdx @elisafestari @svturtles @prettypsychoinpink @mollyc70 @maisie20 @chicago-pd-13 @Sop30 @camd21 @wanniiieeee @nocturnalherb16 @secondaryjob @daryldixonstorm @imaginelover88 @ilovethiam @lola212sblog @myblog232 @juliaborg007 @moni-serrano11 @slytherinambitious @quiggersbea @lucyysthings @Stitchlover @randomwriter1021 @choochoo284 @sande5098 @esposadomd @f4erietaless @gwinmads @sergeiwhispnigel

If you want to be added, removed, or had a username change please click here

(if your tag isn't showing up try this)

#chicago pd x reader #chicago pd imagines #chicago pd #jay halstead x reader #jay halstead imagine #jay halstead #one chicago

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fagtainsparklez · 1 year

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i’m sorry, im just really confused. isn’t it a bad thing that quackity is putting in a translator? i don’t understand how this is different than what dream implemented. im really disappointed that quackity is including it too because i liked that everyone was trying to find creative ways to understand each other.

from what i understand, quackity’s only seems to be implemented for events, and is an OPTIONAL feature that players can turn on if needed. additionally, quackity’s appears to use API developed by his own team, specifically trained to understand and translate as accurately as possible, with a delay in the translation so the program is able to take into account the entire sentence in the original language BEFORE translating it. google’s API (the one drm uses) utilizes google translate methods, where it translates as the sentence goes and doesn’t take into account the full sentence/context a good 50% of the time. quackity’s isn’t perfect, but it’s clearly made by people who are trying to unite language barriers. they’ve attempted to create their own API, unlike drm, who took the lazy way out and selected the cheapest free option possible to cash in on other people’s ideas.

i would rather qsmp have no AI translation as well! but quackity’s method was one clearly done out of love and passion for his communities, and it’s clear that he’s genuinely trying to improve and find ways to bring his friends together. drm is not doing that. he doesn’t care for the languages, or the people, or anything other than continuing on his brand.

#muse talk #anon #discourse #that’s my take on it at least ^_^

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aita-blorbos · 11 months

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WIBTA for hiding medicine from my uncle?

So some backstory: I (16M) am basically disabled and reliant on my uncle (??M). He pretty much saved my life when I was younger for rescuing me from the terrorist attack that killed the rest of our family. My uncle is really cool! He's kind of this really important guy and he's working really, really hard to fix the way things are done since they've been messed up for so long. I'm one of the most important people serving him and the youngest person ever to earn the title he gave me! We're the only family we have left. My uncle is also fairly sick, but he's strong and hides it from the people. I help him take his medicine sometimes.

A few weeks ago, I really let him down. While I was getting him more medicine, one of his other subordinates (??F) shot me down and tried to kill me, which is pretty normal for her. Anyway I ended up surviving with the help of a formerly-wanted criminal's apprentice, but she distracted me at an opportune moment and stole the medicine! I should note that the medicine is really strong and powerful stuff- it seems harmless but it's made out of the same stuff used to kill my family and in the wrong hands it's a really bad thing. My uncle's kinda strict, but he's also fair, and I know I let him down when I lost the medicine. He said it hurt him more than it hurt me. :(

Now I'm in possession of one of the units of medicine but it's kind of like a comfort object to me. I'm very careful with it!! And I know he'd be REALLY really mad if he found out that I've kept it a secret from him. He's also having trouble getting medicine recently so his illness is really giving him trouble. I know I SHOULD give it to him, but I really don't want to. It's special to me. I think he's still upset about my failure because he hasn't given me any assignments recently. He says there are big plans for me, but I'm having trouble believing it?

Plus it's more confusing because the head of a major group (mid-40s?M, let's call him D) has promised to help me keep the medicine thing a secret. It's really weird because he used to not like me? Apparently his mentor was the guy who had this job before me, and he was a lot less disappointing. But ever since I f***ed (sorry for my language) something else up with some of my friends, he's been a lot nicer to me and has been teaching me stuff like sewing. It's cool but he also asks me a lot about how my uncle treats me? I guess D thinks it's wrong that sometimes I get hurt when my uncle's illness acts up, but I know my uncle never means it. My uncle's the only reason I'm not dead. Otherwise, with my disability, I'd be completely useless. My uncle gave me a device that lets me do things other people can. Besides, D doesn't know my uncle like I do.

Anyway, my uncle's been having a really rough time lately with his illness, and he's stressed out because I keep messing up and he's working on an upcoming major holiday celebration. He doesn't even want me around a lot of the time, which feels bad, but also a lot of people have told me I have an annoying voice so maybe that's why? Anyway D says I shouldn't have to give up the medicine to my uncle because it's important to me. I really want to keep it, but I know it's wrong and dangerous to have around. I just feel really bad hiding something from my uncle like this. Im the only family he has left, and if something happened to me, he said I'm basically irreplaceable.

So will I be the a**hole (sorry about the language again) if I keep it a secret for a little longer? or am I just being ungrateful and ignoring all the help my uncle's given me? Thanks.

#aita #am i the asshole #unreality #ABUSE

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usimp4women · 2 years

Note

Okay hi! First I have to thank you for writing anything related to Lady Lesso! Honestly ppl are sooooo slow and im soooo obsessed and in love so THANK YOU, also i have requested this to another writer, but they kinda ignored it ir they r busy, sooo here i come to you!

I wanted to ask if you could write a oneshot, where at SGE (when it is the united-like its one school now) is ball for parents and their children and there's Lessos student (girl who will become vampire after graduation, she still has the basic magic that u can see in film-shining finger blahblahblah) and the girls parents didn't come.

(Don't know the reason, but I feel like no matter if you are an ever or never, you are just normal person and most of the time have normal family relationship? So it's kinda disappointing?

Like evers and nevers would be equaly appreciated, cuz both sides are important, evers r proud for making good etc, same nevers?)

And them there's dramatic entrance where we (the reader) come in ( we are that single rich aunt- and very powerful and respected vampire, who loves tea and has a cat) and we flirt with Lesso, dance or something like that? Or maybe Lesso makes first move? Not sure about that😁😁🥰

Also maybe some ever could hit on us, but like in disgusting way and we would scare them off and Lesso would find that hot?

(hiss maybe ? Turn our eyes red, bcs of our anger? Like u lnow strong emotion or hunger makes our eyes red?)

Here r some pics of vampire aesthetic and face claim that I had in mind (if you don't have time, then u obviously don't have to write it.) Have a nice day! Don't forget to drink and eat! And happy Halloween 🎃

PS: IF I have more ideas maybe we (mainly YOU) could make a series of oneshots ?

PS2: IF you could name her Nova i would loooooooove it, but feel free to use Y/N.

Your Attention.

Pairing; Lady Lesso (Dean of The School for Evil) X Reader

WordCount; 1144 words, 6730 characters.

Warnings; Slight NSFW?

Summary; Lady Lesso's hot 😫

Note; THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS I REALLY LOVE THE IDEA OF BEING A SINGLE, RICH AUNT 😍 Anyways, I think I've got the idea here, so hopefully it makes sense regarding your submission, also— the cat is insanely adorable! (It's not long but hopefully it'll do..) BY THE WAY HER WINK IN THE GIF AHSFUHWR BARK WOOF WOOF

+++++

You observed the ceremony in solitude within the shadows. Parents and their children could be seen gathering around the ballroom. Normally, you would've been somewhere else right now but oh— the loneliness, you couldn’t take that chance.

Besides, you’ve got a reputation to uphold so why not indulge yourself a little?

While taking in the scene, you fixated your attention on a particular girl lingering around in the corner. You've heard something about her before, a rumor that she'll transform into a vampire after completion of the course, and although she still possesses some basic supernatural abilities, she will indeed develop a flawless student for you to impart wisdom, considering your 'substantial immortal expertise.'

She was one without a parent beside her, you tilted your head in curiosity, beginning to feel more intrigued.

Your thoughts were shattered once you discovered your cat stroking its head against your leg, following a mild purr. "You want me to go out there, do you?" You murmured, while you shrug with a smile. Your cat simply agrees with nothing but a faint meow as you stretched out to stroke its neck.

So, you got down and arrived at the entrance. Seeing a few neatly arranged wine glasses around the doorway, you reached out to consider holding one with your free hand. At that moment, the entrance gates began opening automatically. You felt the time going in slow motion, You walked gradually with an amusing smirk on your face when you realized that everyone's attention was peering upon your grand figure.

Yes, now this is delightful.

With a glass of wine in your right hand, your fur flowed elegantly behind your frame. Your head held high in dignity. Swaying your hips graciously while you approached a specific girl in the distance as everyone shuffled aside to provide space.

The majority of them even lowered their heads when they realized it was you.

Oh, of course, the spotlight. As a superior, well-known, and respected immortal, being placed in the center of attention was always your personal favorite.

The girl was flabbergasted by your presence, Is she coming towards me? She thought.

“Why yes, dear. You can’t enjoy the night without a guardian by your side, can you?” You gleamed amusingly at the girl; her glance was welcoming and enthusiastic; it may have been your proudest moment throughout the day.

You could still detect people staring at your physique, thus you spun around, "Nothing to see here," whilst arching an eyebrow.

Almost instantly, they promptly diverted their focus away from you. However, you can still feel someone gaze at the back of your head whilst you proceeded to continue conversating with the girl, which frustrates you significantly. All your intentions here were just to utterly comfort the poor thing and, if there was any, to offer her some complimentary tea.

Eventually, you sensed a presence beside you, hence you shifted your head to see a woman who had a somewhat intense amount of make-up on her face. You reluctantly bit your lip against your teeth to prevent yourself from almost laughing uncontrollably.

“Hey, you must be Nova, right? Do you mind if I borrow you for a moment? I've had my eyes on you ever since you came here." The woman giggled confidently while twirling a stroke of her hair.

You cocked your head, very innovative, "You must truly have some nerve inside you to ask me personally."

The woman replies, extending her hand to stroke your arms with her fingers, "Well, obviously I got some faith in myself."

You shoved her hand away in disgust, Your eyes glowing scarlet from arising anger. “Don’t fucking touch me.”

Her eyes were enlarging in dread, then you snarled ominously and displayed your fangs to insist her to stay out of your sight. She shrieked in response out of pure terror and hastily grabbed her regal gown to flee. Unfortunately, her garment was so cumbersome that she struggled and stumbled as she sprinted.

You and the girl laughingly mocked the woman, “You do this often?”

She raises an eyebrow in your direction while engagingly grinning. You winked, raising the wine glass to your lips with a smirk, "It makes my day more entertaining."

You proceeded to converse with the girl until you came across the sound of heels clicking against the floor. Oh, I wonder who it is... Her presence and aura seems formidable and overpowering.

You spun your head to gaze upon a woman with oh my god– The coat, the suit, the dangling chains on her midsection, her rings, her cane, and her curly, ginger hair. Everything about her was definitely captivating.

It was almost as though a goddess appeared before your eyes. Your posture nearly collapsed out from beneath you while your eyes began to flicker abnormally, but you quickly picked up reality. "Well, well... Look who's finally come to the show." She spoke in a rich, enticing tone.

"For a woman like you, you surely are capable of handling a complicated situation." She stood before you, setting her palm on your jawline and raising it up to meet her eye-level using her finger; you felt your breath hitch at the interaction.

Nonetheless, you maintain your composure as you glimpse into her amethyst eyes. "Now, how would you like it if you were to dance with me?" The redhead grinned haughtily at your stature.

You responded with a head inclination, "I would love to." Was she challenging you?

As you approach In the middle of the ballroom, she then guides you to the main stage. She positioned her hand on your waist practically immediately when you were there, ushering you to sway seductively with her body.

You angled your attention towards the girl you were previously with, poor thing had to witness the scene in the front seat. But she didn't even bother stopping you both though; all you could see was her shrug and a wide grin.

You then redirected your concentration to the redhead once again. You both swung your hips back and forth.

Your body was tenderly pressed against hers as her fingertips traveled from your waist to your upper chest, swaying alongside you as they performed so. Your muscles tensed up as you felt her front in contact with your back. Consequently, you closed your eyes and buried your head where her neck and shoulders unite.

She twisted your figure around enough to confront her as the music stopped. She looked down into your eyes with domineering intensity whilst you bore her stare in defiance.

“Oh, you…”

A few inches from your lips, she begins to lean in your favor. A brief lick of her lips gave you the impression as she was preferring to focus her stare on your neck. She subsequently tilted her head slightly and smirked knowingly, drawing your attention to her.

“Why don’t we continue this somewhere else?”

#dean of the school for evil #lady leonora lesso #lady lesso #lady lesso x reader #leonora lesso #the school for good and evil #charlize theron

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epsiiwash · 1 day

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sometimes i think about how much potential there was to explore the dynamics between tucker, epsilon, and wash in the show proper and im disappointed all over again

one of my biggest gripes has got to be how… quickly tucker breezes past certain things, i guess? i know rvb has less than stellar writing for the most part but like. we get no genuine reaction from tucker after he’s told about alpha’s death/torture in pfl. what’s worse is that he only finds out right when epsilon shows up, who immediately takes up church’s name and replaces him as if nothing even happened.

i’ve always felt like there should’ve been some resentment on tucker’s end? epsilon and alpha are not the same, the only memories he has of blood gulch are the ones that he heard from caboose. so not only did tucker never get to say goodbye to the church he knew but he also didn’t really get a chance to process his death before epsilon showed up. and then there’s just everything that happened afterward with epsilon and carolina lashing out at the reds and blues, epsilon leaving to find tex in the memory unit, and leaving again in season 11… we got that one scene between tucker and epsilon in season 12 but it just. it wasn’t enough imo.

and not only that but. tucker should’ve resented washington too, even more than he did in season 11. it just seems to me like all of the characters completely forgot that washington is the reason the church from blood gulch is gone. and again, zero reaction from tucker. like you aren’t pissed that this guy you just met is the one who got your best friend killed? the guy who is the reason you never got to say goodbye to him? the guy who also attacked your friends, and tried to take epsilon to hargrove to save his own skin?

dont even get me started on the lack of any interactions between wash and epsilon. maybe i read too much into it but ive been rewatching the show and i can’t help but feel like there could’ve been so much more

#delete later #i dont think i worded my thoughts well at all but i have so many feelings about chucker and epsiwash #funny how church has a habit of dying and leaving his lovers with no sense of closure #first alpha and tucker then epsilon and wash #dont mind my delusions #im also a tuckington enjoyer and i think tucker and wash’s relationships w both versions of church makes their dynamic more interesting #rvb

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fandomfluffandfuck · 5 days

Note

S that latest poll answer makes me sad for you. Did that inspire that fic you wrote about Sebastians body image and thr beetle?

related to my tags on this poll & this fic of mine "The Kids Aren't Alright"

This gets personal and kind of intense, so it goes below the cut!

Trigger warning for discussion of general poor mental health, depression, suicidal ideation/self harm, eating disorders, body image issues, etc.

The short answer is an overwhelming yes.

"The Kids Aren't Alright" was very much something that I wrote because it struck a chord in me--Sebastian talking about his experience with body dysmorphia always hits home for me as a guy with body dysmorphic disorder, and the first time I heard Mackie admittedly very affectionately teasing him, saying he got stuck in the VW Beetle, I was a little horrified, I mean, secondhand embarrassement, imagining embarrasment so vividly it was horrible, really. So, naturally, I had to make it into a fic.

Also, I hope you don't mind, sweets, before going on, I'm adding onto your ask with another that I got even more recently:

youre very generous with what you share, so ignore this if im over the line, but its mens mental health month and that suicidal ideation post made me think of your mental health, whats been your experience with it?? i dont have a lot of men in my life who are willing to share with me, so i thought i would ask you 🥰🥰 please delete this if youre uncomfy tho

which is related to this

Both of you are such sweethearts!

Thanks, though, I don't exactly try to share a shit ton 🤷🏻‍♂️ I guess, eh, being somewhat anonymous in this corner of the internet yet being honest in the form of the spectrum of emotion from raw feral angst to private domestic fluff to shameless shut coaxes me into being so forthcoming? Not that I'm, like, super reserved otherwise, lmao.

I'll start with a short answer again before I go into deeper detail, which is just to say: my experience with it has been rough. I, a queer man, grew up in a small, red town with a very traditional family, so... yeah. It was not fun.

Okay, longer answer now because when given the opportunity, I. will. yap.

I think I will start with masculinity here because I feel as though a lot of my experiences with mental health and issues with my body tie directly into my masculinity. I don't have problems with being a man, I love being a man, it's who I am, I just don't love some of the expectations of being a man on a grand societal and interpersonal level, y'know?

Masculinity, to me, was always presented as the thing you have to be or else. Or else my parents were disappointed; or else the other boys wouldn't like me; or else I felt bad about myself: or else there must be something wrong with me; or else I must be gay; or else.

I have older siblings, and my older brother was in Boy Scouts when we were kids. Both of my parents fucking love the outdoors. So, of course, they loved that. My dad, specifically, spent all his time doing Scouts shit with my brother or organizing similar activities just for them when not at work. (I had a traditional western family unit, my dad worked, my mom was a stay-at-home mom.) And while I do enjoy the outdoors and camping and hiking and all that, just in smaller doses, I never wanted to join Scouts. I nearly immediately attached myself to art, so I just didn't have the interest. I can't do art if I'm outside digging in dirt, fighting with sticks, practicing knots, doing target practice, and backpacking (or whatever else the boys in the troop were doing), can I? That meant, if I wanted to draw or do crafts or something creative, I was inside, and my mom was looking after me and my sister while my dad and brother were out.

That did not sit well with my dad. He wanted me outside, joining Boy Scouts and fixing cars, playing mechanics with my brother. I did not want to. He tried very hard to get me to be as interested in more stereotypically manly activities with him and my brother, and it didn't work.

I'm just more artistic. That was always a clear disappointment.

To add on, as I grew up, I was not physically traditionally masculine, either. I've cracked jokes here and there that I'm not too dissimilar to pre-serum Steve before. It's not far off. I'm about 5'6", a little taller, and skinny.

I grew up waiting desperately for puberty, waiting for my muscles and growth spurt and... it didn't happen. My voice dropped way deep (which meant it cracked wildly and super noticeably, and, of course, I got shit for it), and I enjoyed that. I never had a pressing issue with my dick, I mean, I would hazard a guess that anyone with a dick worries about size at some point just because that's something etched deep in social sexuality, but I had more pressing things to obsess over. Like, at first, when body hair started to kick in, I was psyched to see it, and then it kept coming and suddenly guys in the locker room were pointing it out and making fun of me for being a "little guy" with so much body hair. Puberty also did fuck my face up with acne which destroyed a lot of my self-esteem, too. I had to go on Accutane not once, not twice, but three times. I still have a robust routine to keep my skin clear (but it is clear these days and I'm still reeling thinking about it, it took someone telling me I had really nice skin for me to snap out of it and realize I wasn't still covered with acne, actually. And that was recent!).

I didn't have my pre- to post-serum sudden increase in height and muscle moment, so I continued to feel scrawny and weak. Having pectus excavatum, a birth defect where my sterum curves in instead of going down in a straight line, never helped, either--I got made fun of for that, of course. I remember a comment about how one guy in a locker room wasn't going to dare to hit me/slap me on the back because he would clearly just break me... yeah, that didn't help feeling like the odd one out, unmasculine, fragile, and unattractive.

My self-esteem is much better these days, I will gladly say, but I genuinely used to get sick to my stomach just thinking about what I looked like, never mind actually looking in the mirror. I felt horrible that I had to go out in public and subject people to looking at my face. I'm an avid journal-er, and I have old entries where I just go on and on and on and on about how I felt like a monster. Disgusting and hideous.

It doesn't matter that I know, objectively, that I have a fairly masculine and even an attractive face. My jaw is square, I can grow a beard, I have a deep voice, my eyes are green, I've been very lucky to have straight, white teeth without braces and all that. Plus, people seem to like my cheekbones and curly hair. My voice, too, people seem to enjoy my voice and my mouth. So, evidently, others seem to appreciate my face. So many people spread over so many years have no real reason to lie. I'm complimented. I've not had problems when it comes to dating and relationships or whatever. Yet still, it's just not what I see. I say I know objectively what I look like because I know facts about myself, but I...

I don't really know what I look like, if that makes sense? My reflection shifts a lot, over the years I have had a problem with every part of my face, every part of my body, and I know I can't trust what I see in the mirror. I fixate on things, and it consumes my viewing experience.

Part of the consequences of all... that... all those issues above have been my experience with eating disorders. I've had some fun [sarcastic] mix of orthorexia, binge eating disorder, and anorexia over most of my conscious life. From the moment I was aware of myself and my own body, I've had problems fueling my body. It's a cycle over years and years that's been going on since late elementary school (around 10, 11), where I'm fucking sick and tired of feeling weak and useless and not masculine, so I push myself too hard in the gym and kitchen--working out until I'm physcially ill, blacking out, blistering from running and lifting, I've torn a few things that way, while obsessing with healthy foods at the same time to the point that it's unhealthy. That happens for however long I can take it. Then, eventually, I break. And I get into a cycle of binging that destroys my ability to go to the gym, so it's just binging. Cycles of it, uncontrollable. That morphs into feeling too big and disgusted with myself in the opposite way that I started with, so my brain fixates on restricting. What goes up must come down, though, so with enough of that... then I feel too small again and, yeah. It starts over. 🙃

I have worked very hard to break it with the help of friends and a short lived experience with therapy (he was a terrible therapist, then my insurance stopped covering it, so I couldn't afford to go or find a new one), but I've--dare, I say--gotten into some kind of balance more recently.

To end on perhaps a hilariously on-theme note and something happier, what I have found is that sex helps. Therapy and supportive friends and good environment are obviously irreplaceable. But, sex is good, too. When I was in the thick of all that, younger with my mental health challenges way more out of control, I'm sure I was just getting away from the numbness and hurt--endorphins, oxytocin, y'know, all that.

Then, I'm sure it was added to by the fact that suddenly, with sex, women (I am queer but when I started fucking around, I only felt safe enough to be with women, I didn't think I could be out where I was, and now... that's just the way it's worked out. It happens to have been women) were enjoying me. Enjoying what I could give them. Complimenting me explicitly or implicitly. Saying I'm hot or, clearly, if we're having sex, I'm not so disgusting that you don't want to fuck me.

But, sex helps beyond those rudimentary things, too. Finding kinky people and sex-positive people has inadvertently led me to find body positive people and find examples of real bodies--people really actually enjoying themselves. Spending more time naked is beneficial, too, haha. Slowly, I'm learning to appreciate myself more. This is my body. It's the only one I have to live in, I may as well make peace with it. And I will take the pleasure that my body can give others. I appreciate that I can do that. I like making people feel good, I like having their faith put in me to make them feel good and treat them and their bodies well, like they're desired, or not 😏, depending on what they're into. I want to pull that pleasure out of them. I want to make them feel good, bad, whatever. I want them to feel in their body.

Did that answer the question, lmao? I just rambled 💀💀

#asks #personal #thoughts #tw depression #tw eating disorders #tw body dysmorphia

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