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yayforocs · 6 days

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Tape #5

((This one was written for an rp split-off that I and the muns for Aron's friend group had for a bit, so it's not canon at all to the rest of her sectorbrine lore stuff, but I wanna include it here anyway :V))

Click.

Paper crinkling as if it is being folded, unfolded, and folded again.

“Ok ok ok, I-” Unfolded. “I’ve- I’ve been here for several months now, and-” Folded. “And I got- I-” Unfolded, and a slight pause followed by a breath of an excited laugh. “I got a letter. An- An actual letter from- from Josiah. He was talkin’ about how everybody back home was doin’, sayin’ that they all missed me and were worried ‘bout how I was doin’ ‘n such, an’-” Folded. “I- I’ve never gotten a letter before. I-I mean, there was- there was no reason for us to be sendin’ each other letters back home, an’- an’ I didn’t know anybody else outside of town, so- so I never got one, this is- this is the first letter I ever got.”

“I’m gonna- I’m gonna write a reply soon, but- I’m tryin’ to think of what to write about. I’m definitely not talkin’ about the-” Pause, and a small laugh. “Heh, if I’m not puttin’ it in the letter I prob’ly shouldn’t talk about it on this, either. …Well. Then again, the only people that’re gonna hear this’s Sytri, who already knows, an’ all of you back home. An’ by the time you guys’ll hear it, this’ll all hopefully be over an’ I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. ‘S just a bad encounter I had with an Imperium soldier a li’l while back; I’ll tell you about it when I get home. But uh… Ah- I met a couple new people today. First one’s named Nils, an’ he’s… he’s interesting. Ok ok, I’ll- lemme- I’m gonna back up a little bit. So earlier today I went to go see if Kale’d go with me to visit Sytri, ‘cause Sytri said he wouldn’t mind seein’ Kale again and built a ladder so he could reach his house easier instead of havin’ to climb that cliff to reach ‘im, so- Yeah anyway, turns out Kale’s been workin on some ‘linker’ thing, didn’t tell me what it was, an’ exhausted himself enough that he straight-up passed out on his floor. Tab ‘n I put him to bed, ‘n Tab was feelin’ lonely, so I took her with me instead. Sytri didn’t mind at all- he fixed up some sandwiches ‘n we talked an’ it was nice.”

“So we stayed there for a li’l while before headin’ on back. Kale apparently woke up ‘n left at some point while we were gone, b’cause when we got back, his room was empty. And that’s when Nils showed up. He’s always got this straight face ‘n deadpan tone, an’ it’s- it’s actually kinda funny. He asked us- Tab was still with me- he asked us if that was the bathroom. Kale’s room- the bathroom!” A small laugh. “Poor guy was lost as could be. So I offered to tour him through the place, since it’s his second day an’ all, an’ before we could head off to find his room, someone else showed up. ‘S a courier, an’ I hadn’t seen him around before- his name’s Silas, an’ he’s- he’s super quiet, ‘n seemed pretty shy an’ easily intimidated, too. Though,” and this was said with a chuckle, “Nils talkin’ about ‘kidnapping’ him an’ chasin’ him an’ such prob’ly didn’t help any.”

“But he’s the one who gave me the letter. Like he gave Nils one, an’ then he just- he just handed me this.” Unfolded. A pause. “I still can’t- believe that I, I got- I got an actual letter. From home. I-I dunno how Josiah got it to anybody either, unless he- Well, no, we’d send people out to other towns to get supplies ‘n whatnot, so I suppose that he could’ve- sent it with them ‘n they… they found a courier or somethin’, but still… An actual letter.”

“I gotta write a reply to this.”

Click.

#slc #aron #writing

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aroacemarie · 1 year

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peeked in the 'asocial' tag and it seems theres like. 10 million different definitions of it being used in various communities? so i feel like having used the term just now i wanna clarify what *I* mean by it

im gonna pop this under a read more bc its a long one.

im NOT using it as an ace/aro microlabel (not judging those who do tho). i dont consider it a part of my sexuality/orientation/lgbtq identity. its more of just a personality thing?

im also not schizoid, to my knowledge. im sure i have traits of it? or maybe my understanding of it is wrong? i just know i went through a brief stretch where my being asocial meant i was schizoid, but upon more thoroughly researching the symptoms of schizoid personality disorder i determined it did not apply to me.

its also unrelated to social anxiety. i DO have social anxiety disorder, but my being asocial isnt a fear-related trait. basically while social interaction/the anticipation of social interaction can trigger an anxious response in me, i dont have a strong Drive to be social in the first place.

its also why i consider my asocial trait as being different from being an introvert. its kinda like introversion on steroids. introverts still seem to have a need to interact, whereas loneliness is genuinely a foreign concept to me.

i also dont consider it a symptom of my depression... mostly. yes, withdrawing from social interaction is a bigtime depression, its more of a withdrawal in that context than an general inclination. when im withdrawn bc of a major-depressive episode, it is characterized by hurt and an overwhelming sense of dread/hopelessness. when its just my day to day default state, however, it has a peaceful, content quality.

so to describe it by what it IS instead of what it ISNT:

-i describe my being asocial as an extreme lack of a drive to be social. i dont really feel the need to seek out interaction, and while i still absolutely DO interact with the people i like, i tend to be abnormally unlikely to reach out.

-being alone makes me feel content, not lonely. it feels like sitting by the window on a cold day, wrapped in a warm blanket and sipping a warm drink, peacefully watching the leaves float by delicately on a gentle breeze, the with soothing voice of the wind whispering to you a comforting hush.

-i love my friends deeply. even when i dont interact with a friend for an extended period of time, i still think of them with a deep fondness. i picture their smiles, the way they make me laugh, the way their eyes sparkle with excitement when they talk about their interests. i feel a deep warmth in my heart, and reflect on how much i cherish them, even though i dont feel inclined to reach out and chat with them at that moment. i can still miss them too, even if im not necessarily doing anytying to fix it! (for the record, hazel if youre reading this i was thinking about you as i typed this section, ahaha 💚)

-i get exhausted and overstimulated by conversation easily, even when im speaking to someone i love about one of my favorite topics. its pretty common of me to tap out of conversations or "leave you on read" for hours simply because i exhausted myself. that being said, i DO love to have deep, meaningful conversations!

-i dont find talkative friends to be "annoying" or a burden. quite the contrary; im flattered they like me enough to invest their time and energy into speaking with me! i just have low stamina.

-its kind of like when youre doing your favorite hobby or playing your favorite game but youve been at it too long and youre too wiped to continue. thats how i feel about talking to the people i like, but my stamina might only last a minute or two before im metaphorically "out of breath"

-i dont hate people. in fact? i LOVE people. i look upon all the humans out there, living unique lives and unique experiences, and i feel a sense of childlike wonder. i think of how fascinating their perspective of the world is; their core beliefs and how they developed, the things that bring them joy that would seem strange to me, the things they know that i simply do not. but i dont really want to necessarily have a conversation with them. i prefer being an observer, reading the thoughts they share in public forums (like tumblr and twitter). humans are so fascinating. i just wanna watch you for hours like youre in a little terrarium!

-im told im great with people, and honestly i make friends very easily! not to say im never awkward or am immune to social fuckups! but im empathetic and am told have a high emotional intelligence and tend to make people feel at ease. im really tactful and great at defusing conflict (my favorite quote was in college when a friend told me "you could literally tell somebody to go fuck themselves without offending them." love it, ahaha). the thing is... i dont WANT to make friends. ive got everyone i need already, yknow? my Friendship Inventory is full.

im also gonna acknowledge that my asocial nature is very likely linked to trauma. i do have CPSTD from abuse that spanned the entirety of my childhood, from my earliest memories all the way into my mid-late teens. alone felt Safe, and it still does. but its not a Disorder; it does not cause me distress or impede my ability to "function." god knows ive got plenty of disorders/symptoms that DO. but being asocial is not one of them.

anyway, i hope this helps people understand me a bit better. im always worried that im a Bad Friend (being in a 6 year abusive friendship w someone who constantly called me that didnt help) for not reaching out to people/checking on my friends more. its just... a Thing. ive accepted that its not something i can change about myself, and i acknowledge that means im just not compatible with certain people, to no fault of their own. and thats fine! im not gonna be insulted or like you any less just because we arent the kind of people who could have a closer relationship in a healthy way. some folks just dont vibe w each other!

to any of my friends (and acquaintances! we dont need to be close!) reading this, i love you! i mean that, and i hope reading this helps you understand that i truly do, even if im bad at showing it.

stay frosty ✌

#monster talks #asocial

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avalovesindie · 2 years

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this is pretty much the best place to vent where there’s some chance of someone seeing it but not basically forcing anyone to respond or whatever

im mourning a better world that I know I’ll never get to. There’s so much in my personal life I’m sad about but rn the #1 thing bothering me is the world. I’m so goddamn scared. And also so upset, I feel like every tragedy that’s ever happened is constantly weighing me down. I just want everyone to be okay but it’s never going to happen. Some things seem so easy to fix but we just aren’t. I wish I could beam compassion and sense into everyone. I wish I was never born to witness this. It’s too much for me. But I can’t die because I’m so utterly terrified for what comes after. And I know that me dying would only bring more misery, which is the last thing I want, but it’s getting so hard. I’m so lonely and I don’t know who to talk to about all this. My best friend blocked me last year and I’m still not over it. My special interest is like half my life even though it brings me so much stress. I don’t think anyone will ever really find me attractive. Living in this world is exhausting and I have to grieve it every day. My current best friend i don’t even know what he thinks of me and I keep embarrassing myself in front of him. I know climate change or a nuclear war is gonna ruin everything and I’m trying to enjoy what time I have before that but it’s really hard. It’s so hard to feel every emotion so acutely. I don’t think I’m strong enough to fight. I think of the ways that would be the least painful to die. I can’t deal with any pain. I don’t know why my one friend is ignoring me. I know he only uses me as someone to talk at- not to- and doesn’t really care for me anymore. I don’t feel empty I am uncomfortably full. I’m so stupid and I’m not joking around or anything I just really am. why can’t everyone just have a warm place to sleep with food always available. Why can’t we get there already. What’s stopping us. Why

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