#i need a new hyperfixation or im going to do something drastic.

[savrenim]

i saw your post about anime bullshit vs ifmlam and can i just say im so glad you're having so much fun writing? i discovered you through ifmlam but i've been shoving your other fics and patreon and original stuff straight into my mouth because i love your style and knowing that you're having a good time even with the fic that definitely comes from a Different Time Of Your Life is just. really cool idk

aaaaah thank you so much!!!! 

yeah it's really fun and funny looking at my writing over both short and long time frames because there's so much of me stamped in? like there are the tiny things like sometimes when I'm lazy coming up with idiosyncrasies for characters (everything from "I'm going to give you my coffee order" to "I'm going to give you my childhood hyperfixation with volcanoes"*) to obviously with my fanfiction there is the Piece Of Fiction I Was Obsessed With At The Time but also a lot of the original fiction that I have I can pinpoint the setting influences and vibe influences of both stories that I liked but also Other Things That Were Going On In My Life and it just kind of feels like my whole body of work traces my emotional state and the things I was excited about and loved and hated in weird subtle ways and I really like that, the same way that like. the playlists that I've made and listen to on repeat for months at a time have. 

and it also kind of feeds into most of my projects are multi-year projects to ever finish but I never really try to build them around the expectation that I'll feel the same way for a decade, I build them around feelings that I know will be meaningful time capsules? like the way that I choose tattoos: as things that will mean something to me because they represent something important that I felt, not that I feel 

and I guess I'm really glad that I'm in a space where ifmlam is actually exciting to me again, bc it was something that was a huge positive to me for so long and it was a piece of work that not only am I really proud of what I'd written but there are so many upcoming parts that I'm even prouder of and I'm really glad that I never gave up and posted the outline of the rest of it bc it is fun to look back on who I was and how I wrote and take a break from who I am and what I've been doing for the last 5-6 years and return to a previous place both with what's changed and what hasn't. it's nostalgic and it feels right. I think I needed the break but also never needed to throw out the baby with the bathwater and I'm glad that I didn't. and like. maybe I'm having Emotions bc my life is Changing right now faster and more drastically than it ever has before and I think vastly for the better? but boy is it Emotions.

anyways this is a long and rambly way of saying that yeah, ifmlam is officially coming back; there are 2130 words of the next chapter (and oops a bit of a life update) on my patreon right now, and whether or not the patreon keeps voting for that as my open work to guarantee my working on it, I think enough momentum is built up that a new chapter will be posted-posted in like. 3ish months tops? and I'm loathe to make predictions about my life given how unpredictable my life is being right now but maybe possibly it's getting to a place where ifmlam is back on a "sporadic every few months updates" track rather than a "several years of hiatus in between new chapter drops" track???? but I guess we'll see. I'm really having a fun time letting my patreon vote on stuff bc while "wait for inspiration to strike for any given project" is a fun way to do things, I've also realized that I've got so many multi-year projects to finish that crowdsourcing some of what I'm working on makes me feel like I'm making progress on things that matter rather than stalling out on everything bc it's all going at once 

although also speaking of next few months and things no longer stalling even with it being The Most Anime Bullshit thing I've ever written GODS am I excited for Opus I and I think that one's also???? coming really soon??????? as in only a few months??????????

*neither of these have appeared yet in anything published please no one waste time pouring through everything I've ever published to try to find these examples

#my life #my writing #ifmlam

[sunlightsshadow]

Alex's IT character essay

Im here to talk about how the new movies did the losers dirty

we’re gonna start with the Core four lets go

The first loser I want to adress is Bill, in the book bill is a kind friend and a good leader, encouraging his friends to be brave and giving up at nothing to avenge his baby brother, When he’s young he ventures on his own even when scared, he also cusses out It with no remorse, as an adult he’s determind to defeat IT once and for all, he also treats his wife audra with love and respect, her capture by IT helping further motivate him to defeat it.’

The movie doesnt change much about child bill besides his motivation, he wants to find out what happened to georgie, and he does. Adulthood is where they screwed up with Bill, He’s disrespectful to Audra, is rude to Mike and yells at eddie despite supposedly being Eddies best friend and knowing how he reacts in scary situations. This is something bill would have never done in the book, he would have encouraged eddie to be brave and tell him that its alright to be scared.

Next is Eddie, In the book Eddie, while scared easily, will do anything for bill and is the only one able to lead them through the tunnels, he’s their compass and medic, patching the others up and leading them. He even uses his supposed medical conditions to his advantage, spraying It in the face with his inhaler, believing it to be battery acid it damages the clown. 

The movie takes out a lot of eddie's important scenes, including the hospital where he sees his mom yell at his friends even while he sleeps, he’s not as determind to help bill and is more hyperactive and angry than he is in the book, though this movie is more accurate with myra than in the mini series, they did change his occupation which didnt make much sense to me. Being a driver in the book alluded to his role as having natural affinity towards directions in the book.

The third member of the Core Four is Stan, in the book stan is richies best friend, having an odd sense of humor and switching between being the other boys’ common sense and incouraging him. while it takes him the longest to truely beleive in IT hes the only loser to never truely forget. He’s a boyscout with a hyperfixation on birds that he uses to ground himself when IT traps him in the standpipe. 

The movie changes his character in a couple of drastic ways though not as bad as bill. They make him more sarcastic, putting up with richies antics less. they change his fear compleatly which doesnt really make sense, they didnt really have a need to do this. they also took away his hyperfixation and changed how intensly his family participated in judaism and I feel this affected his character. They also didnt touch on how he is the only loser who left to never truly forget, the book mentions how sometimes he would mutter about maturin or say things relating to IT that would scare patty. I do like how they handled his death more in this movie than in the book. The letter I feel gave his death more meaning than it had in the book.

The final member of the Core Four is Richie. In the book he does funny voice impressions (though they werent very good) and did his best to keep his friends spirits high. He’s also one of the only two losers who were able to see how IT arrived on earth. He was vitally important in the final battle because part of the ritual of Chud is telling jokes and he could tell that Bill needed help in the final battle so he went into the deadlights to help his friend defeat IT and incourage him. He also accidently stole the irish cops voice in his assistance of bill. 

    The movie virtually erases his character, taking out about 90% of his scenes and making him purely trashmouth, the second movie wasnt much better, vocusing on his sexuality which they didnt have to do. They made richies friends alot ruder to him than they were in the book and thats not fair.

    Now that we’re done with the core four Im going to adress the losers in order inwhich they joined the group, starting with Ben. In the book ben is there architect, naturally knowing how to build the dam that starts the begining of their group and later helping build and instructing on how to build their clubhouse, their safe haven from the cruelty of IT and Derry and allowing Mike and Richie to see how IT came to earth.

    In the movie he still builds the clubhouse but his main personality traits are “history nerd” and “loves beverly.” they gave Ben mikes job of historian and just ignored bens help in bringing the club together. Ben is the catalist for the losers club forming.

Next to join is beverly. Im not gonna lie I like how they do beverly in the movie. of the losers shes probably the one closest to how she is in the book. They still screwed up a bit though. for starters she mainly only interacts with bill and ben not the other losers. They also killed her mom which I dont like, her mom was gentle and kind to bev helping deflect her fathers rath. they took that from her.

The last, but no less important, loser i want to discuss is Mike. In the Book hes the historian and light house, He’s the character that puts the most research into It even in adult hood and he brings the others back home. He calmly explaines to them what must be done and the others trust him.

The movies took away his job of historian and made him frantic as an adult, the others don't trust him like they do in the book. Also he fucking drugs bill which is something he never would have fucking done. He’s calm and gentle and the others listen to and trust him. 

My final point: the most accurate character in these movies was the clown. and I dont understand why they couldnt just stay truer to the book. Maybe do something with how heavily queer coded eddie is instead of making being gay richis character ark. come on guys I know you can do better.

#alex speaks. #long post #it 2017 #it chapter 2 #losers club #character essay #im right

[icharchivist]

perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/

#ichapersonal