#im just so tired man like I’m waiting for them to find cancer somewhere else too like fuck me

[nabtime]

.

#guess who got a call from their ENT today #and was told the thyroid cancer probably spread past the thyroid #so even tho i just got my whole damn thyroid removed i have to now do ✨radiation ✨ too #thankfully it’s like a one time pill but i have to go off the synthroid i literally just started #which means i have to suffer with hypothyroidism until the treatment #im just so tired man like I’m waiting for them to find cancer somewhere else too like fuck me #oh thyroid cancer is the best cancer to have! they said oh we caught it so early it’ll be nothing! they said #bro it’s still cancer I’m too young for this shit

[a-warm-whisper]

I've been researching PPD because of my mom and im finding it so hard to do the things they are telling me. Don't fight them, accept their feelings, don't tell them they're wrong, listen to why they are upset. Im trying, im trying, im trying. A lot of the info says there is not much you can do until they seek help, but she has always refused. Lately she has been saying "well im better now" and its actually getting so much worse! She blames the last time she had an episode on her going through menopause but I don't think that was purely the case. Her last episode lasted years and this time is almost worse.

The last time she thought that my dad (who she has been divorced from since I was 5) was watching her and listening to her all the time. She used to cover the tvs in sheets so they couldn't record her, thought there was a listening device in the car so we could never talk about anything remotely serious without her "shhhhhushing" me, unless we were outside then we could whisper. She would tell me my friends weren't actually friends, our family didn't care about us, and EVERYONE we ran into she would think somehow knew my dad and was relaying information back to him somehow. She'd get FURIOUS, SCREAM AND THREATEN ME if I accidently let something slip to a random stranger that she didnt want my dad finding out. It got so bad she started shopping two towns over so no one would know her and that worked for a while until she started thinking that even those people knew my dad. She couldn't keep any friends because eventually they would either think she's nuts or she would misinterpret something they said into something awful and explode on the person about it eventually causing them to never want to talk to her again. And she'd never apologize even after I could convince her she had been wrong. She REFUSES to ever admit she's wrong with anything, not just related to her theories. I remember how she would wake me up in the middle of the night threatening to take me to jail or a boarding school if she found out i was telling my dad bad things about her. She tried so hard to convince me that my dad was some horrible creature that tormented her practically to death and it made me feel weird. I never believed her. Eventuslly she stopped saying anything about it and it seemed like she got better, but I wonder if she possibly still thinks he is out to destroy her?

This time is a little different. A little more controlled but its getting worse and worse. Now she is in love with the man on the radio....this one guy, who does the town news and talk show every morning except Sunday. Shes never fucking met him. Never once. Not even out and about (its a very small town i live in) and yet, she's MADLY in love with this man, who she knows nothing about. She thinks he knows who she is though. She did talk to him once on the phone. She called the station and asked him something about gardening to which he told her the answer and that was that, but now she thinks they have some secret thing going and that she loves him. But she also hates everyone else at the radio station because she believes they don't like her and believe she is somehow "using him" for money. So EVERY SINGLE SONG OR COMMENT OR WORD OF THE DAY OR ANYTHING SAID is directed at her. She is constantly telling me "oh Mike played this one song for me, he keeps playing songs about lost love" or if someone else plays a song that is about sadness or something its directed at her. Its hard to explain so here are some texts:

"You are probably asleep but I can't sleep because of the learn a word that Mike had this morning. It was reputation. Then Helen song was Man Eater. I am not a man eater all my husbands married me for MY money!!!! 2 husbands hit or strangled me or both! I kept the houses spotless. Did their laundry etc and now I have a REPUTATION!!!!!!!! I didn't have the men I dated but because I wouldn't & told them NO they spread awful stuff about me! Never done drugs do to my profession. My nursing came first always!!! Was always a hard worker. Some nights I never sat down! BUT I HAVE THE BAD REPUTATION!!!!!!! The thing these people have not even met me. Until you know someone you should not judge them!!!!!!! Haven't dated for 22 years because I was waiting on someone that was decent I had a lot in common with & was respected. Oh well I guess there just aren't any like that anymore!!!!!!

Yes I went thru a bad spell but that was because I was going thru the change of life thing. Which I hope yours goes more smoothly than mine did! Now there is medicine for what I went thru. This is how I feel If they treat me nice I treat them nice.

My own relatives will not even talk to me because Jody & Bill have said awful stuff about me! If they were in TBE same situation( no car) I would tell them to go ahead & cut down some trees and get a vehicle but they thing I'm a user. When Bill was without a job he borrowed thousands of dollars from his mom. Things are just not true what people are saying about me!!!!!!!"

These are from last night, she sends me things like this a couple times a week now. And she deletes them immediately after sending them because she doesn't understand that the whole world can't read our texts. I have no idea how to handle it. Everything she thinks is wrong. So wrong and I can't force her to see the truth.

I'm lost. And it just gets worse and she puts it all on me and expects me to figure everything out for her. She keeps asking me questions of what I really think, so I tell her what I think and she gets upset, screams and cries about how horrible I am for not believing her and then thats that. Im so lost. Its too much and I have no idea how to handle it. I wish I could ask a doctor how to help her more but I don't know how to do that. Im just tired tired tired. She keeps draining me.

Now she has had to go to the doctor a lot recently too because they found cancer in her stool sample and she isnhaving a hard time with this and I feel bad for her I truly do but I also don't know how to help her because she keeps not believing the doctors are telling her the truth. She keeps misinterpreting the nurses body language and thinks they are out to actually kill her EVEN THO THEY DONT KNOW HER. and I have to say, if I was a nurse I'd hate my mom too. She used to be a nurse, when I was young that was her job, but she quit after thinking people were trying to get her fired and she never worked as one again. BUT NOW, when she does go to the doctor she just HAS to make sure that EVERYONE KNOWS that she used to be a nurse so don't try to pull one over on her. She probably passes them off so badly because she walks in the place with an attitude because she thinks she was the best nurse ever to exist ever. So she has to tell everyone "did you know im a nurse, just retired" (which is a lie) and then when they don't acknowledge her she gets furious and thinks they are out to get her. She doesn't believe the things they say are wrong or not wrong with her, because she knows better.

I'm just, exhausted. And my boyfriend doesn't understand the depth of the situation. He just thinks I should stop talking to her but SHES ALL ALONE. she has no friends, no family, just me. She's ran everyone else away. She doesn't even have her own vehicle right now so I'm her only source to the outside world. How would she even get groceries if I didn't talk to her? But she is so demanding and draining and utterly depresses me to no end.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just needed to dump all this somewhere.

#ppd #mental disorder #sensitive #mental health #schizophrenia #paranoia