#im eating them all up tho

[koko2unite]

movies from disney are like "generational trauma!! generational trauma!!! generational trauma!!!" while netflix are like "unloved?? here is an old guy he's your father figure from now on"

#nimona #nimona movie #netflix #the sea beast #the sea beast netflix #hmm what else #the witcher #the witched netflix #turning red #disney #encanto #also theyre are really cute for some reason #meanwhile dreamworks are like #furry bait furry bait furry bait #im eating them all up tho #1k #2k

[luck-of-the-drawings]

OH ARTHUR BENNETT.. such a gorgeous and intriguing character. terribly burdened by a GRUESOME set of crimes, his light suffocated by a HEAVY century of GUILT. so tragic, so dark and broody, and yet PAINFULLY awkward in any social setting ever

#jrwi fanart #cw blood #jrwi show #jrwi suckening #arthur bennett #OUHH THIS ONE WAS SITTING IN MY WIPS FOR SO LOOOONGwhen i took it out there was mould on it :sob: #BUT i think i was able to fix it up okay #i keep seeing SO MANY MISTAKES RRAAAHHH BUT YOU DONT SEE THEM RIGHT?? THATS ONLY ME. RIGHT?? EXACTLY. #THE KEY IS TO SAY. AND REPEAT AFTER ME. 'FUUUCK IT WE BALL #so anyway. arthur bennett huh? grizzly says that arthur is reaal fuckin difficult to play. and i SUPER get that. i mean LOOK AT HIM.. #grizz often needs a minute to think abt what hes gonna say in a way that matches w that Stoic Personality. which is FAIR but also that #ends up making way for awkward confrontations like: the lady in the parky lot. he took too long to answer and scared her away.& I LOVE THAT #arthur is tragic and sad and cool and stoic but hes ALSO awkward and silly and kinda dumb and short sighted. HE HAS COMPLEXITIES #I LOVE WHEN TTRPG CHARACTERS HAVE A GOOD SET OF SHORTCOMINGS. ESPECIALLY WHEN U FIND THEM ONLY AS U PLAY THEM. #I COULd go on and on saying the same things w different words abt arthurs intriguing and entertaining character but i shall spare u. for no #ILL ALSO MENTION HOW MUCH I LOVE HIS FLAVOR THO.. I LOVE TALL HOT BOY WHOS ONE W THE DARKNESS.. I REMEMBER WHEN HE FIRST MENTIONED THE #BADLUCK. N I WAS LIKE OOOHH THATS WHY HIS DESIGN IS SO COOL N CHAOTIC N ASYMMETRICAL. HES UNLUCKY!!! i love love love his design so much... #GRaaauruguguraguhhghghgh what else what else is there for me to spew on abt...i think im reachin a limit here..OH MAGNUS. i hope that #we get to know more abt how magnus and arthur met.. like How they became besties... ouuhh... I ALSO WANNA KNOW MORE ABT MARY DAVIS. LIKEHOW #he also apparently spent alotta time in a zone dominated by edward twilight? all he remembers is constant partying? I WANNA KNOW MORE.. #i think i got room 4 one more ramble SO. THE ART PIECE.as i said its gone a lil stale BUT. im still very proud o the bits where hes allScar #I WANNA SEE HIM GET SCARYMORE. I like the idea of shadows solidifying to make him strange and eerie.like TEETH n CLAWS n SPINES n YESS #also the SILVER EYES.no1 does silver eyes like the show Claymore. they make em look so striking and eerie...i also like to think that #human arthur had deep beautiful brown eyes.just in my beaitufl heart.i mean look at him..i wanna cook him n eat him.ANYWAY #i think thats all my ramblin for this piece. now i gotta go cancel a single day i had ata hotel bc my work schedule change last minute FUCK #feel free to ramble in my tags aswell tho i read all of them and i chew on thenm and i love them so sos os mcuh

[stevieharringtonwifeguy]

post apocalypse au where the plot of stranger things doesn't happen but vecna still tears the world open and brings the upside down right side up. and the scattered people who managed to survive the initial earthquakes and power outages and complete breakdown of society have to contend not only with creatures from the upside down trying to eat them, but also with what the bleeding of an alternate dimension into their reality is doing to their bodies

people with prolonged exposure to larger tears seem to be slowly changed into something else, like some radioactivity from the dimension is mutating them. people grow claws, or leathery wings, or their face peels open, or they turn into unrecognisable piles of eldritch goo. there's vampires, were-demogorgons, flayed, weird ghosts, and the number of super powered people like el was in the show skyrockets

other people who manage avoid this fate shun those that fell to it. and to an extent it's reasonable, some people who get changed in this way completely lose their humanity, like the flayed, and while others retain it it probably doesn't seem that way when a vampire-like person needs human blood to survive. but a lot of people are just as terrified of the changes happening to them as other people are, and while they may not be harmless, they'd much rather use their new biological advantages to keep people safe

despite this, people that have been 'corroded' by the upside down are ostracised, feared, sometimes outright hunted by regular humans. so sometimes, they band together. form their own little apocalypse groups

eddie is in one of those groups. he wouldn't say he's the leader, bc they don't really have a hierarchical structure and eddie likes to think he's managed to maintain his anarchic ideals even in the face of the apocalypse. but he is the oldest, and the most scary looking (if not the most actually dangerous), so the combination of everyone being younger and his ability to scare off corroded-hunters that come looking for them means everyone else kind of follows his lead

so no one really questions when he comes back to camp one day holding two passed out humans. a mole-dotted man and a freckled woman, probably about eddie's age, who were injured and had crawled into a ruin building to die. and like. what was eddie supposed to do, leave them there??? no, gareth, it has nothing to do with how pretty the guy is. no, eddie doesn't know how they'll react when they wake up in the middle of a corroded camp, they'll cross that bridge when they get there. el says she senses that they're good people, so clearly everything will be fine actually!!!!!

#feel free to write this i feel like it requires a story beyond my scope of capabilities but i really love this idea #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #i haven't decided who i want to be corroded in this au and what their corrosions are #i think eddie's some eldritch looking fuck tho #i feel like dustin is part of the pack but he's not actually corroded and frankly he's a little salty about it #like maybe all the kids joined together bc they were all corroded and it somehow just missed him #and he's constantly trying to do science about them bc 'SOMEONE has to this is scientifically fascinating!!' #and eddie's like kid if i catch you taking notes while im eating ONE MORE TIME i swear to god i'll become a stereotype #also i came up with the word corroded bc i think it encompassed the body horror element i wanted more than 'mutated' did #and then i realised the corroded coffin pun and i was like. oh my god. im a genius. #also if it wasn't clear the humans are stobin #not to be separated even in cases of apocalypse and possible death #they realised they were bleeding too much and were probably gonna die and were like #at the same time huh? checks out. let's go find a hole

[spookythesillyfella]

i keep thinking about making digitaltime content but .. i don't know what to do ... :[

anyway that one text post made me think of my colin birthday art so yk . whatever . i am okay with that .

★ [ original text post under cut ]

#DIGITALTIME GODS GIVE ME SOME FUCKING IDEAS #I AM NOTHING WITHOUT THEM #I NEED HAPPY . SILLY QUEER RELATIONSHIPS TO DULL THE LONELINESS AND COLD OF MY HEART #*deep inhale* #*sigh* #okay #im fine #im okay #i prommy #i just wish things were better #uhm #im working on a nice fanfiction though . dunno if ill actually post it but i like telling people about it :] #it's a crossover tho so like don't get your hopes up for real High Voltage content anytime soon #i prommy that after my exams are done and all ill make more lore stuff #okay uhh drink water and MAKE SURE TO EAT IN THE MORNING #DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID #okii bye-bye !! #dhmis #dhmis art #dhmis au #high voltage au #dhmis ship #dhmis tony #tony the talking clock #dhmis hv tony #dhmis colin #colin the computer #dhmis hv colin #dhmis digital time #digitaltime

[skitskatdacat63]

Here is a badly drawn comic of my terrible, awkward group project experience from yesterday. I thought it was very absurd so I wanted to share it other people lol :)

Let me know, how do you find their conduct 😭

#i tried to small talk #and they werent rly listening and were like i just wanna get this done w so i can eat #yet talked to me abt smth random after #but the moving the laptop is what made me draw this 😭 #like is that not absurd???? #i dont wanna rewatch the video #but i wanna see what the camera frame looked like #bcs from what i saw my drawing is p accurate #but yeah they also talked for the majority of the time #even tho i did more research bcs they took up most of the slides #AND ALSO TOOK MY IDEAS #im like uhhhh im p sure [insert slide topic] is required!!! #and i went to go start writing it #and theyre like oh okay ill do that slide #and even tho i kept reminding them of the slide requirement #they kept being like ugh i cant think of anything #and then would take my ideas when i proposed them #like the conclusion part was to write a proposal abt what solution can be made for the current event topic #AND i took notes the night before and wrote down the idea for the solution #and i told them and theyre like oh yeah thats okay and started writing those slides #i know i should be more assertive but im so conflict avoidant and was kinda like oh. okay. ah. #lmao i hope this doesnt make me come off as someone victimizing themselves #im just annoyed 😭😭 #and also this person was on my abroad trip and we all hated them #but i felt bad abt how much we hated them and theyre(I THOUGHT) much more chill in a classroom setting #so i kinda softened my hate for them and theyre the only person i know in my class rly #so im like ahhhh we should work together! #and now i remember why i dislike them 😭😭 #catie.rambling.txt #catie.art.

[nyxi-pixie]

look away guys im losing my marbles but everyday i wish mori wasnt such a weirdo bc it makes ppl completely unable to think abt anything else about him. like that fuckin pseudo paternal shit hes got going on w dazai??? makes me wanna eat rocks.

#bc 15zai finds him annoying but he doesnt Hate him. god that dynamic makes me go insane #it makes me sad they cut so much of the stupid phonecall dazai has w him when hes asking for the sheep to be released in the anime #bc in the ln its giving very much. stressed dad and his weirdo kid. #'oh you feel that hole of anxiety in your stomach lessening? yes im having a great day out. anyway release the hostages plssss😁' #anyway. theyre so youre exactly like me and those similarities will haunt you forever. #smth abt both of them being perfectly content to use whomever is available as collateral for the sake of strategy? #god i eat that shit up. poor aku tho bruh he needs to get outta there. how are u the first sacrifice piece for BOTH OF THEM. #mori bsd #'whos this someone i remind you of?' 'myself😁' #IM KILLING MYSELF. #sorry i got carried away in the tags again #i just. write abt them in tskatsby and then i think abt them all the time

[todayisafridaynight]

would it be okay if u told me why u like aoki😭/gen😭😭😭😭BEEN TRYNA LIKE HIM FOR SO LONG I JUST CANTT but i love ur art so much so i still consume it otherwise lol

i liked tohru adachi in high school and tbh i think that alone is enough of an explanation for why i ended up liking aoki

#snap chats #haha see i told you last post's tags were relevant #anyway vLKVJEVLKAEJVLKJ IM CRYING ANON youre so funny. this is the funniest ask i coulda got thank you so much #i dont know why i like him either <- yes i do #fine lets get Real Talk about it #well first off all i thought he looked hot rolling out the elevator and i was playing the eng dub and i think his voice sounds hot there #and thats like. not athing that happens to me ever <- literally thought sawashiro was hot two frames into the game but anyway #i like politician characters. or characters that are in a position of power ESPECIALLY if they have to act like they dont suck balls #like i very much love the idea of the power of charisma and that type of thing not to mention the 'strategizing' as aoki puts it #that comes with politics. LIKE HE SUCKS DONT GET IT TWISTED HE SUCKS BUT //shrug emoji// #like its why i love the mine rggo stories i like seeing mine's thought process and how he uses his intelligence #smart's sexy to me idk what to tell you but moving on #its fun watching him lose his cool too ESP IN HIS FIGHT LMAO HE STOMPIN HIS FOOT LIKE A TODDLER SHUT UP #i also really love the arakawa family in general and thinking of aoki's relationship with each of them makes my brain explode #especially him and sawashiro that shit is painful to watch and i love it so much #i also thought him going from goth to republican was the funniest shit in the world like i howled at that AND i was distraught #aokis so interesting to me from the notion that he IS loved by his family but he has so much hatred for himself it eats him up #and as a result he cant be happy no matter what he does- how hes constantly seeking validation even if it's nothing meaningful #his lil. Dog-Eat-Dog world world belief to ichi also appealed to my edgy depressed high schooler brain. sorry. #his speech at the lockers also got to me. unfortunately. sorry everyone i empathized too hard it got too real it wasnt funny anymore #like as much as i complain bout the very end the ending is what solidified me liking aoki if not also cause of ichi's impact in those scene #plus... analyzing him and the environment around him is so much fun too.... #idk reasons for why i like aoki also boil down to personal reasons. he still sucks tho so i cant be upset when people hate him LOL #i probably have more reasons or could elaborate more i love rambling but i mean. who really wants to read all that 💀💀 #maybe for a character that WASNT the worst but. aoki is so LMAO #thank you for loving my art regardless :) im sorry i have to be attached to the worst guys ever

[bunnihearted]

🏫🍃🌥️

#oooof... sleep was rough bc my face was super itchy. all of a sudden i got rashes in my face yesterday ?!?!? i have NEVER gotten that wtffff #hopefully it's just temporary nd will go away. it's still a tiny bit itchy but not as bad as yesterday :o #istg my life is a JOKE!!!! a joke!!!! rashes?!? what? maybe stress nd anxiety?? idk it's wild tho i cant deal w this #so i couldnt really fall asleep but i rested for a few hours #then i got up. took my dog out. had oatmeal. called the surgeron clinic. #and like... i told them abt my weight and they said im underweight?! and that my bmi is 18.9 and u need to have 19.... #i told her that i cant gain weight bc i cant eat anything. that i cant have more fat than i already do bc then it hurts too much #she said she'll talk to the anesthesia doctors and call me later. she hasnt called yet #i rlly hope they understand the situation?? and that i can still have my surgery bc what else am i supposed to do??? #ughhhh why cant anything ever just be easy and smooth for me?? #i am sooooo tired of all these hardships piling on top of eo #then i walked to school.. took me an hour and im spent now bc im so weak nd malnutrioned skskskks #and im in class... it's a long one. still more than an hour left :'( my head hurts #ugh i just wanna be fine for once in my life #but yeah im like 75% thru all the hard things i need to do today #just need to finish class nd then walk home nd then hopefully get a call back and then i can relax (as much as i can lol) #i hope the itching goes down (still wtf is my body doing? i have no patience for it anymore) nd i hope im not too underweight for surgery om

[sucktacular]

Went to Anime North this weekend! Kinda just loosely hung around but here's a vest-less bunch of selfies of my Matt cosplay!!

#sucktacular selfie #matt death note #didnt get burnt this year!! #my back fuckin hurts and i need a shower and a nap jdkdbfjs #but i had so muchfun just getting to hang out and eat food with friends!! #wasnt there very long and had to miss out on friday but still very worth it to just vibe #got a few compliments and a couple photos but idk if any of them turned out good kfjsbfj #so happy when ppl recognize my cosplay tho!!! #i like red hair matt the most but the bright red looks terrible on my skin tone ... #i commissioned someone yo make my vest a few years ago so it would be as fluffy and nice as possible #it doesnt fit any more cuz it was a couple years ago and i gained a lil but it still fits without zipping up :3 #would love to invest in some better quality goggles and pop some #prescription sunglass lenses in them one day. these ones are great as an accessory #but they look horrible on my face kfkdbgjsjf #anime north #also i gotta say i didnt do anything fancy at all with my make up but i like how the simple liner and mascara worked out #im a ginger naturally so my eyelashes and brows are super light and have no definition gnkshfjs

[azurechicken]

It always gets me how Justice did not change at all, like, he is not corrupted at all. It makes everything more tragic than it already is. The only thing that changed was his perception, which of course, naturally came due to the change of hosts. I'm mostly taking Awakening Justice into account and how he acts because that is where we can carefully observe him by himself, without Anders' influence on the matter. And his influence is everything on the point I am trying to make.

When we first meet Justice, he is fulfilling his nature of bringing justice to the people he thinks that need it. He is very outspoken about it, and is already ready to take action with or without Warden's help. For a supposedly peaceful spirit that Anders claims to have ruined with his anger, Justice is acting pretty angry here himself (This is not the only time either). This is one of the first things I want to point out that did not change much about the spirit. Justice was always fierce about his cause. However, what stands out to me in these scenes is when the witch calls him out on his idea of justice.

Justice, is that what you are calling it? What of their punishment, burning my house to the ground and with me in it?

Well, in this case, the witch is a demon and mocking Justice for funsies. But what she says actually gives a bit more insight about what kind of a spirit Justice is. The actions do not speak louder than intent to him, as long as it is within the lines he set for himself. In a way, he was always okay with a few… casualties in the name of justice. Even though it is as simple as burning down a house this time. Isn't violence for violence vengeance after all?

While we are on the topic of vengeance, let's not forget the way he is eager on avenging Kristoff, vowing to kill every darkspawn for his cause (I mean the way he literally calls it avenging is enough debate for some people but I want to continue). So how come wanting to take revenge on the offenders that wronged not only his host but many other people, is any different? How did this route did not take him to the road of vengeance but attacking the templars, who are also offenders that wronged his host and other people, is corrupting him?

The answer is of course, that it is not, it did not. There is no difference between those two for Justice, there is no difference between vengeance and justice. Punishing the ones who deserve it is all there is. There is no gray area for spirits the way there is in the mortal world, and we see this clearly in the way he judges Velanna and Nathaniel for their crimes. Despite what I said about him seeing intent before action, now he cannot see beyond their wrongs. This simply shows that if the intent is as clear as violence for violence, he understands. But he does not understand the gray area of Velanna mistaking the innocents as guilty, or Nathaniel taking back what used to be already his.

 

There might be none for Justice, but there is a difference between darkspawn and templars for mortals. For one, darkspawn are generally mindless, and has no moral compass for us to judge. Whereas templars are just people with different ideals about life, to put it kindly at least. (Which is worse, being a mindless cruel monster, or having the mind and morals to choose to be something else but going for being one anyway? Lol another discussion for another time). Templars are the gray area that Justice lacks the understanding of. When he vows to kill every templar like he did with the darkspawn, he does not suddenly turn into a demon, he is simply punishing the ones that were doing wrong, as he does.

From here we can say that spirits' judgments and mortal's don't exactly match up. Though, there is one idea that seems to match better than others, and that is corruption. As far as we learn from Justice, spirits do not know about corruption any better than we do. Spirit do bad, spirit go bad, right? So, when Justice starts to feel things that are associated with demons, such as envy, he starts to fear corruption. He says he does not want to learn how a demon feels, but he also states that he does see the wishful thinking of a demon wanting to cross the Veil for this world. He is conflicted at best about the whole thing. Still, he does not consider himself corrupted regardless. I think that the reason behind that is simply the fact that generally, the Warden can ease his worries when Justice confides in them. And that is another thing that says a bit about him. He seems to accept the lack of understanding he has in the world, and chooses to listen to someone who does. Though, not just a random anybody, someone he deemed just.

So, let's see. A fade spirit with identity issues and an anxious spirit healer walks into a bar…

When they merged and Justice accepted Anders' cause for himself, and when they went all crazy on the Templars, Anders was scared. He feared the worst immediately because he is taught the worst about possession. He knew that Justice was angry because of him and his ideals about mages. So he blamed himself, called it a corruption he caused. And as I mentioned, Justice is accepting of the fact that he has a lack of understanding of some things. Plus, he was already scared of corruption. So, when Anders, who is an educated mage about possessions and corruption claims that he is slowly corrupting the spirit, they held onto it.

Everyone in their life from this point on, do nothing but egg them on about it, on top of it all. They might not corrupt each other, but everyone else does by pushing them the idea that they are now an abomination. Anders starts to fear the nonexistent corruption more, and Justice is confusing the inability to just wipe all the bad out with sloth. We are talking about a being who comes from the Fade, which can be bent at will and a place of immediate action. This works well in Awakening because we are already fighting darkspawn nonstop, and we are in the middle of a war. But in Kirkwall? Everything requires planning and suspended ideals. Templars bring injustice everywhere they go, yet there is not much they can do. After many years of being held back, it is no wonder Justice is surfacing more and more, itching to fulfill his purpose. Because he was always outspoken, angry at the injustice in the world and eager to bring justice. He did not change, but Anders' morals and his' just did not align the way they thought it would. They forgot that in Justice, there was always a part that was vengeance.

At the end, Justice was one of the most stable parts of Anders' story. He couldn't count his vow in Awakening complete without reaching the root of the problem, which was the broodmother. And he could not do so in Kirkwall without getting rid of the Chantry. Because chantry is the root of the Templars, and being a bystander while you can help solve everything easily is unjust all the same.

Anders and Justice had the same cause, different morality and they were just confused because they didn't know any better.

#going through awakening again made me so annoyinnnng i cant stop thinking about justice #listen i have so much more to say #justice didnt become a corrupted spirit when he went on a vengeance run on the darkspawn #and he didnt become a demon when he went on another vengeance run on templars #but once people were included they became confused #and this kinda goes to show that spirits' morality is all about their awareness of a wrong-doing imo #spirits' idea of doing something “bad” could mean something totally different like they need to be held a different judgment on the matter #demons could be just confused beings with too much feelings they couldn't understand so they became them #if they embody their name as much as spirits do there is nothing they can do about it #they cannot simply be bad because the emotion is not the bad part about such things they are the natural part #the bad part of negative emotions are the fact that they cause actions that we mortals would count as bad #at one point what of the nightmare demon eating away the fears we would be glad to be rid of is so bad? #and justice going as far as a boom for his virtue isnt something we could judge him bad for its just his nature #y'know? does that make sense? #they were right to blow shit up tho lol #im sleep deprived #i wrote this for myself but u can also have it lol #justice #anders #justice positive #anders positive #dragon age #dragon age awakening #me own

[araneapeixes]

OH HEY HAPPY LESBIAN ALOY TO THOSE WHO CELEBRATE ❗️❗️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

#she is a lesbian btw #i will not be taking notes on this #normally i obviously dont care if a queer caharcter is gay or bi os smth else. #BUT the people who are DESPERATE to ship her with men have PISSED me OFF #theyve always got on my nerves. but there has been an exceptional amount of weirdness and lesbophobia since the reveal #like honestly eren/d couldve been an excellent str8 man bestie. just a broski #but people wanted them to fuck so bad it makes me want to tho up anytime i see him so. born 2 be a lover forced 2 be a hater #ANYWAYS um ill be riding this dopamine high for weeks thanks #ive spoken extensively in tags on my personal blog already #but i just wanted to tell you here as well. that im goimg yaauayauaugda!!!! #my GIRL 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️ #honestly the VINDICATION… we just dont lose babes #i do t care if the romance storyline is good btw i only care that my baby is a dyke #looking at peoples desperate excuses to disapprove would usually make me feel bad but honestly im enjoying reading all those posts im like #yeah eat shit loser you cant touch meeee #hfw spoilers #hzd spoilers #horizon burning shores #ig. im pretty sure everyone in the fandom has heard already lol

[stevethehairington]

book 5 of the year done!!!! im literally one book away from halfway to my goal and the first month of the year isn't even over yet fjsksk i am DEFINITELY going to hit it this year!

#SUUUUPER bummed to say tho that ive made it to the first book of the year i havent enjoyed :/ #the worst part is — its the first in a series apparently and like. i WANT to know what happens next #but also i dont CARE enough to want to keep reading the rest of the series yknow? #like. this first book was just SOOOO disjointed #it was ALL exposition #it spent 500 pages giving individual backstories for each of the characters. as in each character l i t e r a l l y told their story #which first of all absolutely BORING way to get to know your characters and second of all NONE od these characters were even likeable!!! #and the worldbuilding was just. weird. it kind of didnt make sense and felt all over the place #and FULLY felt like he was just throwing random sci-fi-y words around to make it sound cooler but like. it wasnt. #and like all these characters are together on this pilgrimage right #but it is NEVER really revealed why/what they plan to do when they get to their end destination/anything like that #and im between each of these character backstories it feels like the same stuff one person is like oh wow what a story lets get some sleep #and then they do and they wake up and they do the tiniest bit of traveling #(which is like. described in the most lackluster barebones way) and then they eat and share another story and rinse and repeat #it was SO boring #it honestly reminded me of the movie the eternals LMAO #all these characters and you get to know a little about them but not enoguh to become invested and none of them are all that interesting #and the purpose of their journey/the purpose of THEM is completely unknown is completely devoid #like it felt like there was no plot #it was. ough not good. #so yeah would NOT recommend hyperion by dan simmons :/ #mack reads

[widevibratobitch]

omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee

#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time #and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again #have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind #ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her #that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right #to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel #that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists. #so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week #and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨ #like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes #'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly. #ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol' #like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like #i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying #a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again #because im not texting back. #i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too. #I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it #i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao #oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour #pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA

[toastsnaffler]

played 8 consecutive hours of elden ring this afternoon/evening and forgot to eat dinner.... 🫠

#oops #well i still have bad cramps and bloating so maybe its for the best. im too tired to eat now #i feel soooo terrible. i dont think its from the gaming tho i was playing to distract myself from feeling terrible in the first place #but no such luck. well its better than spending all day ruminating anyway #i need to do laundry and food shop tomorrow and ill take the day off ER entirely otherwise ill end up playing another 8 hrs 💀 #i got my meds today too but im not gonna start them until my period fucking starts and ends bc i cant handle both at once #plus itll be good if i can start them later this week so if it fucks my sleep at least i wont have to go into work multiple days in a row #while exhausted etc. mannn. #i really really hope i sleep better tonight this whole last week its been so disturbed and im so tired :-( #and so saaaaaad. and lonely but not really in a way that being around ppl helps.. i just want a longass hug 💔 #ive done so well this week mentally but it takes so much out of me staying on top of it #anyway.. to bed to bed to bed #.diaries

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

see sometimes I try and think about it all more logically. what if it was all happening to a friend. my friend!! you completely forgot to feed your kitten his wet food for five days? you haven't drunk water for a couple of days? you didn't shower or change your clothes for four days? you've only eaten two actual meals in the last two days? your average sleep in the last week is around five hours? my friend, you need help.

since it's me, I don't need help.

#most of it has been genuine forgetfulness/zoning out and 'oh it's 2am' #but like. last night i was lying awake hungry as anything bc all I had was dinner and not a great deal of that. if id been in a house on my #own i would've hopped up and got smth but i couldn't in case of disturbing grandma #(I have since purchased things that I will store near my bed that I can either take out of there #or leave them there for any such emergencies. if you call them emergencies. sometimes if i can't handle eating normally if i can't see what #im eating i can manage that - makes it less real somehow.) #honestly tho i am shocked by how immediately all my carefully created routines have fallen apart tbh #should i talk to my lecturer at uni who does the 12-2 class? to check she's ok with me eating in class? bc otherwise i will likely not eat #anything before dinnertime. probably skip breakfast #i don't know. i don't know anything. i love my course i love it so much and i don't know how i'll handle it #but i don't think i'd handle not doing it #idk im just so tired man #depression does a number on you frfr #okay that's it im turning on the heater finding some music and doing a lil dance. see if i feel better. maybe try a bit of hot water with #ginger or smth livening in it. i do want to try that. something to wake you up. ive been in a dead depressed limbo for five hours straight #and done nothing of use #tw ed #good news tho i find my anxiousness overall reduces the more depressed i am xD idk why lol #personal #puddleglum hours

[the-kipsabian]

.

#death // #really tho just. losing two family members within a week from one another is. really rough #even if it is from natural causes and old age it still feels very sudden #and even if we werent that close it still hurts #little things remind me of the grandparents i dont have anymore. like making dinner and realizing im not eating their cooking again #or my grandmas favorite songs. its just. rough #im just thinking a lot. and not looking forward to two funerals within the next few weeks #just.. yeah. i feel kinda fucked up on the inside. more so than usually but for once not cause of myself #its. odd to me. grief hasnt really been constant in my life in years. apart from losing my brothers cat few years ago #before that i lost my other grandma like eleven years ago. since then immediate family has been okay #its just weird. i dont really know how to grief. it comes in waves and odd memories and it feels really.. idk. off to me #ive had few crying fits over some random things but i just feel. numb. maybe its cause of the sudden frequency of these #or cause i dont know how to deal. its strange to me. feels out of place to mourn something other than what i made myself lost #maybe its cause while there was a connection there was a larger disconnection. i havent seen either of them since covid started #idk. regrets and shit and whatnot. i just feel all but nothing at the same time #just. just saying. idk. just wanna clean my brain a little. its been a difficult day. sorry #night is an absolute mess on main