#if I dont’ lose motivation after 3 days it’ll take me at least a year- | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rogueshipagogo · 4 years

Text

ppl have been asking me my opinions on space channel 5 vr... and i guess since i bought a vr headset off craigslist just so i could play it and speedrun it before work the day it came out... i should talk abt it now... i dont rly think i’ll be able to separate it into ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things i think i’m just going to do a rambly stream of consciousness bc i have a headache... but i DO have good things to say abt this game... so st.... sta stay t tune d

right off the bat, the thing i appreciate most abt this game- i like that space channel 5 vr doesnt have cash grab vibes. i Do genuinely believe that they Wanted to make this game For the people who are still obsessed with it, and that they ultimately did what they set out to do when they intended to scale certain aspects of the series up conceptually to match the way the fandom perceives it nowadays. but like i’ve said before... i’m not going to Disagree with the very common conclusion that it Needed to be longer, or at Least more intricate plot-wise. one of my fun and fresh excuses for sc5vr being as short as it is is because you arent really supposed to be playing vr games for too long anyways, its really disorienting and kinda painful, but even that doesn’t account for why so much of the game that we got is a rehash of old settings, concepts, songs, and characters. [i dont even have a problem with reusing old songs, i just think the ones they chose ended up being misleading]

for example i think it makes sense that the first report is a remake of the first games first report on the surface, it’s meant to take you back to the way the first game felt and give you an idea of what it means that the games classic scenery can be rendered in actual high quality detail now [same with the recurrence of events like encountering the space pirates in the asteroid belt/the last battle against a villain being singing to it about what it’s done wrong], but i really thought, like, report 1 was going to end up being a simulated scenario for the benefit of lou and kee’s training... which i dont think ended up being the case??? i think they really did write ‘ok here you are in the first game’s setting again, fighting the old enemies again, because... :^) ok have fun playing report 2!’

and then whats report 2... you fight another old boss from the first game... but theres Still no clear villain or motivation for anything thats happening... and there wont be until like... basically the end of the game...

like, glitter is a really cute character, but its kind of underwhelming that shes just a random citizen who was kidnapped by an entity that we NEVER LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT... like part 1 was extremely notable for being about corporate greed and corruption, part 2 honestly wasnt that political in comparison but at least made you do a think wrt purge’s motivation and his methods, and this game just has a plot device that feels like it’ll do smth but then ends up not doing anything beyond what we already learned about it from the information on its character bio before the game was out. if it turns out that cell x is actually relevant again in a future entry in the franchise and they do have a more developed concept for what cell x Is in mind, i’ll do an entire backflip, but for now its just chalked up to being the result of More Space Hijinks that dont need to be explained

ESPECIALLY WITH ALL OF THE ALLUSIONS TO CELL X BEING AN ENTITY THAT FEEDS OFF OF DANCE ENERGY... it had me thinking that there would have to be some New Method of fighting it off that didn’t just lend it more power in the process, but nah apparently just tacking on the disclaimer ‘*this dance energy is not for glitter’ is enough to turn it from smth it can consume for power into big attacks you can use to kill it... like honestly it sounds like im asking for a lot from a game that has Never made too much sense, but considering that in part 2 they could add details like ‘oh didnt you know purge can open pocket dimensions? ulala is capable of manifesting tangible dance energy and the only other person who can do that is purge???’, its not like they havent come up with weird new shit for dance energy to do within the plot before. they just didnt do it in this game fsr

like did anyone else think that cell x/glitter was going to be the result of tossing purge out into deep space and him encountering the sc5 universe’s equivalent of an eldritch alien creature, smth more bestial than morolians?? even if purge wasnt part of it, when you say ‘uh oh, this guy Eats this society’s only source of energy!!!’ i expect the stakes to get HIGH, and i want the ramifications of it to be kinda STARTLING, because blank wanted money and purge wanted to ritualistically end the world but something this near to an ecological disaster that would force an entire paradigm shift hasn’t occurred yet in the series?? its totally new!!! there’s a lot they could do with this but OH DONT WORRY ABOUT IT EVERYONE ulala knows how to make dance energy kill cell x instead of feed it she’s got this we’re good no need to investigate more into all that

i can’t explain why the game is like this. and i dont expect grounding to address it in any meaningful way either. i’m sure they’re Aware of these complaints by now- the game reviewing community has Not been kind to sc5vr specifically due to all of these shortcomings [i didnt even touch on the issues with motion sensing and how many of the games mechanics were removed in favor of smth presumably easier to program yet much less satisfying, like Secret Moves just being mini quicktime events and Turning Your Ratings Into Stars just being replaced with the standard Three Strikes You’re Out method of scoring], but the pr team still seems very enthusiastic abt the game and is still promising dlc and potentially even more games in the series after this one- heres hoping that they’ll at least take these grievances to heart and consider making the experience not only more accessible [aka it will... go back to being a rhythm game with controller input.... and not... an exclusive vr experience...], but also as immersive and detailed as the old games, with less reused plot beats. i can let some of it off the hook in this game simply because i’m aware that it began its life as a tech demo that was only supposed to be that initial first report from the first game But Happening All Around You!, but i Really dont think they could get away with doing this little to expand upon the groundwork set by the first two games again. not with the way people remember part 2 being such a vast upgrade from part 1... the bar had been set so high that this just felt like a huge backslide into something even sillier and harder to take seriously than part 1 before we had any idea what kind of staying power the franchise would have as a hallmark of sega’s quirky antics. like... this game is what i think space channel 5 looks like to people who don’t understand the appeal of the first two games. and that scares me

but i guess for the most part, aside from wishing they had done more to revitalize the setting and the lore of the sc5 universe itself, im kind of glad it didnt do a lot to change the existing storylines the characters have kinda forged for themselves- here i was stressing out that they would pull out some plot development that would utterly and drastically change the way we talked abt the series for the rest of time, but so little happened and so little was added to the bank of sc5 lore that we can kind of all just carry on as usual and keep having the same headcanons we always had.

BUT!!! there ARE a lot of cute little details here and there that make the experience feel wholesome and like i said not an utter cashgrab- like so many of the character profiles referencing previous games [all of the references to npcs in this game being relatives of the npcs of the last games made me lose it] and how often ulala changes her expressions up and looks right at you and talks to you. the new music they wrote for the game also all slaps and everyones redesigns [if they got a redesign... rip pudding] are stunning

one of the most important things they did in this game was give a nice sort of Update to every character.... for example explaining that ulala isn’t a rookie reporter any more like she was in the first 2 games, that she’s moved up to being in charge of training new channel 5 reporters, and that while pudding is still somewhat stuck on her rivalry with ulala her career isn’t stagnant either, she was just cast in a romcom series as the lead... which is really nice considering how in the past she was portrayed as somewhat of a loser with almost no remaining fans left from her idol years

and you knew i was going to bring up jaguar at some point HES ALL OVER THIS GAME AND IT LITERALLY MADE ME FEEL LIKE MY LIFE WAS WORTH POWERING THROUGH THESE LAST FEW YEARS AND ALSO LIKE IM A GENIUS FOR SPENDING SO LONG POSTING EVERY SINGLE DAY ‘NO REALLY, HE’S THE SECONDARY PROTAGONIST OF THE STORY, ITS ABOUT CHANNEL 5 AS A COMPANY AND THEIR IMPACT ON EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER ENCOUNTERED THEM AND THAT INCLUDES JAGUAR AS WELL AS ULALA HES INTEGRAL TO THE PLOT BC SHE WOULDNT BE ALIVE IF IT WEREN’T FOR HIM’ i feel like it’s really incredible how in this game he has genuinely nice energy and doesnt withhold praise from ulala just to be helpful in a mysterious way later and he like HAS FRIENDS now. like consider how he went from disgraced former ch5 employee who got mad every time he saw them, to kidnapped robot henchman kinda humbled by the fact that now the turns tabled and ulala had to rescue Him, and now 3 years later his bio is all about how he has a new tv show thats super popular and he has a new entourage of ladies who he considers his '’’’’’comrades’’’’’’’ within the station he founded??? AND AFTER 20 YEARS THEY WERE FINALLY ABLE TO GIVE HIS MODEL JUICY ASS CHEEKS??????????????? NO MORE PANCAKE BOOTY???? THE BOY HAD A GLOWUP AND NO I WONT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT

WHEN I SAY MEOW MATCH THE POSE MOTHERFUCKERS THIS BLONDE BASTARD GETS TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE HUNDRED STAGE BATTLE NOW TOO THIS IS THE YEAR OF THE SPACE PIRATES BAYBEE

#its almost 4 am. idk i will probably have more to say tomorrow. my head still hurts #the galaxy depends on my funky moves

9 notes · View notes

relativelyanonymousgirl · 4 years

Text

Awareness

So I’ve decided to make awareness a category on its own because I think I’ll need a number of posts just to do the concept justice. I think awareness at this point is the most important concept Ive learned regarding self-care and isn’t self-care at the start of literally everything you could want in life?

I think awarenes is the first step in change. I think awareness is the ultimate life hack - so good it cant be true yet it is. I think awareness is what makes change easy and in my experience change is one of the hardest things on earth.

Everyone wants to change things about themselves right? Everyone would like to be a little smarter, a little better at what they do, a little more influential, a little more social, reach their goals a little faster and, of course, lose a little weight/gain a little muscle.

So why dont we? because change is really fucking hard. Because we dont have the ‘determination’ to do it? Because we do not ‘want it bad enough?

Wrong!

Look, it makes sense right. Change is very valuable and should therefor also be very hard. Because isn’t that what valuable means? Hard to obtain? Scarce? Well not in this case. I would like to argue that change is valuable and therefor natural and maybe even easy. Because most things that are valuable are actually natural and easy.

When you find resistance, this does not mean that whatever you are trying to reach is valuable. However, if you are in the mindset that resistance = value then that lesson will actually prove itself. If you think studying is supposed to be hard and you procrastinate a lot and always finish your assignments minutes before the deadline and pull an all-nighter just to get a barely passing grade, you’ll think that pulling the overstressed all nighter is proof that studying is hard. Because if you hadnt done that, then you wouldnt have gotten a passing grade at all.

So change should be hard too. You want to lose weight and you have never been able to before, that means you need to push yourself harder. You should watch ‘motivational’ pictures of fit people and you want people to remind you to exercise and eat healthy etc etc.

But it could be easy. Not in the beginning, that is. The hard part of change for someone like you, for someone like me, is not the change but it’s our mindset. It’s how we see change. You’ll keep falling back to old mental patterns and because you’ve left them unattended for so long they’ll run pretty deep, but no worries because there is no deadline for this and humans are persistance predators after all.

And the route to easy change follows along awareness. So first you’ll have the awareness that you want to change something. Say you want to lose weight.

So instead of immediately restricting your diet or making aspirational fitness plans, just be aware of your desire for change. It’s important that this awareness is more or less neutral. That it comes from a place of soft curiosity. There is no practical reason for feeling bad about not having changed whatever you want to change so let all that guilt go. Like that former catholic nun in Eat, pray love says “Guilt is just your ego’s way of tricking you into thinking you’re making moral progress. Don’t fall for it my dear.”

Right, so soft curiosity. The next step is creating awareness around the steps that might make this change happen for you. Say your diet and your exercise routine. Be curious about your exercise habits. Be curious about your eating habits, when do you eat unhealthy food? How does that make you feel? When do you eat healthy food? How does that make you feel?

Now, if you’re still feeling guilty, then not-exercising and eating unhealthy food will make you feel guilty and exercising and eating healthy food will make you feel not-guilty, but you won’t derive any real pleasure from it either, because it is something that you ‘have to’ do. Like having to study for school when you actually like learning but because you’re forced you hate it or wanting to do the dishes but then being told to do the dishes by your mom and suddenly not wanting to do it at all anymore.

Point is, you’re not getting anywhere and you keep feeling a lot of guilt and what does that guilt make you want to do? Escape. How do you escape guilty feelings? A rush of serotonin, perhaps? induced by a certain glucose-fructoce concoction, perhaps? That’s right. Eating like shit will make you escape these bad feelings.

To generalize: the things you want to change about yourself, but have a hard time changing are often things that give us pleasure in the short-term (why else do them?), but hurt us in the long term (why else want to change them?), this is also the exact reason why they’re effective at making you not feel emotions, because of the short-term pleasure. But, Kim, can’t I just use some other coping mechanism that gives me both short-term and long-term pleasure? If only that existed.. (sidenote: this actually exists. I think this is what I was doing during my last relationship, turning to my boyfriend, which would make me feel better in the short term and long term, but everything festered and grew since I wasn’t dealing with it and when it suddenly exploded and I couldnt escape it with the use of my s.o. anymore and then it’s soo much harder to fix so dont go this road. Fix your shit. It’s economical.)

Okay we’re actually talking about another VERY important making-change-easy aspects which is that the change has to come from a good place (I’d like to take care of my body because my body is nice) vs a bad place (I want to lose weight because my body is ugly), but more about that later), but thats not what this post is about so lets move on with the awareness.

Right, so we’ve got the awareness without the guilt. And this is where the magic happens. Because change will happen almost automatically now. I’d like to note that this too is harder in the beginning because you’ve allowed (been unaware, I’m not blaming you sis) the bad patterns to wire tighter and tighter in your brain and changing these is so much harder then if you’d’ve dealt with them immediately, but since we’re not raised with this emotional awareness and emotional coping skills, we didnt know any different. Once you’ll have learned and applied this way of changing you’ll still want to change, because what is life without change? And then it’ll truly be easy. At least I think so, I’m only on this journey for a couple (4) of months now, but I’ve already noticed the differences.

Everytime you eat unhealthy, or skip an exercise, you’ll be aware that this is not something you really want, but much more importantly, every time you eat something healthy or do exercise, you’ll become aware that this is something you’ll want. You’ll start seeing these as ‘good’ things and they’ll give you a seretenonin rush. Now, the bad habits do not necessarily make you feel bad because you quit the guilt and you realise that real change doesn’t happen immediately so still continuing these bad habits during the change process is normal and inevitable. But the good habits now make you feel good. So when you get the choice between a healthy meal and an unhealthy meal you will a. not want to eat away your emotions, because there is no guilt and b. know that you will feel that nice happy feeling if you eat the healthy food, so you’ll choose the healthy option more often. ‘

Do note that you’ll have to address the underlying reasons for why you started this bad habit in the first place. If it’s simply laziness than this will work, but often we try to escape our big scary emotions with instant-gratification. So if you feel guilt surrounding other topics than the bad habit itself, that guilt will maintain the bad habits. In that case (which is usually the case) the bad habit is thus a symptom and not a problem per se. however, after having repeated the unwelcome behavior often enough for it to become a habit it will get a life of it’s own and become a problem.

So you’ll need to deal with it from both angles. Fixing the underlying issues won’t fix the symptoms anymore. Okay there’s three important parts of change then. 1. the problems that initialized the unwelcome behavior, 2. changing from a ‘good place’ and not a ‘bad place’ and 3. awareness.

Still I would put awareness at number one, since the other two require awareness. You often don’t know why you do things, especially the unwelcome behavior, so you’ll need to become aware of that. Then you’ll need to become aware of the fact that you’re doing all this from a bad place and how stupid that really is and then you’ll need awareness through the rest of the process.

All this awareness can be pretty exhausting so remember it’s okay to participate in the behavior you’d like to change. Because if you change through this way you’re gonna get there anyways, it’s just about how long it’ll take and since you’ve probably been struggling with this behaviour for a very long time (say years maybe? decades?) those few extra days or weeks won’t make a difference.

Also solving the underlying issues is really hard. Probably the hardest part. I’ll talk about that some other time.

#mental health #awareness #change

0 notes

dieingontheinside420 · 7 years

Text

List Of Reason Why *I* Need To Be Skinny just a list cause lists are fun and so I can look back on this for motivation. pls note that I don’t apply my sickly standards on anyone but myself, and that you are beautiful and I hope you can all love yourselves and be safe. - for the thigh gap - to become my own thinspo - to be picked up instead of the one picking people up - feeling weightless when I walk - for giant sweaters and skinny jeans, looking like I’m drowning in my sweater while my teeny legs poke out - to fold up tiny into a chair in front of the fireplace - to look delicate and fragile, so people will be afraid of breaking me at the touch - jawline!!! - collarbones - chest bones - ribs - hipbones - knees together thighs apart - to not be ashamed or afraid to have fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch, tofu and veggies for dinner. sounds like paradise - also those beautiful fruit/vegan yogurt/granola bowls you see that are so gorgeous and yummy looking but I’m too fat to maintain weight right now - to actually look okay when others take photos of me - for the sweatpants and no shirt look - for the big shirt and no pants look - for the no clothes at all look - to trace my bones with delicate fingers as I lay comfortably in bed - to prove to myself that I can be in control - for perfect tiny wrists and fingers - so that my clothes now will fall off my body in a couple months - to buy new skinny jeans, and not in a large - for the cute dressing room photos! - to do drag in cute dresses and actually feel good in makeup instead of like a clown - for sexy lingerie - for leggings and boots, to show my teeny legs - confidently post shirtless photos ------------------------------------------------------ AFTER SCHOOL THINSPO *dont read if you get triggered easily* stay safe Right now you are probably hungry, bored, or just feel like eating. Before going into the kitchen or thinking about stuff you can eat, please read all of this. You have started looking at thinspo for years, that is years you have wished to be skinny. You can’t take back those years, but you can make the next years much better. You have had endless nights of crying and just wishing you were 40 pounds lighter. You go to sleep almost every night after looking at thousands of perfect bodies scattered around Tumblr. Now I want you to go to your mirror. Look at yourself. Take off your shirt and examine your stomach. Look at all the spots you want to change. Now say out loud food is not worth it. Take off your pants and look at your legs. Squeeze all the fat on your leg and shake all the fat on your calves. Do you like it? No. Now say out loud food does not control me. Look at your arms, ugh, your fat arms, and ask yourself is the flavor of that food I’m craving really better than thin arms. Shake all the fat around then say I don’t need food. Pinch all the fat you have on your body. Look at all that disgusting fat. You don’t even deserve food. Make a small list about 5 things better than food. Better yet, go on shopping website and pick out clothes you will wear when you are skinny. Now you might still be hungry. Get a drink of water, put two ice cubes in it and drink the whole thing, yum. Still hungry? Fill up another cup. Do some sit ups, push ups, and squats. Now take a shower, put on a face mask, do your nails, watch a YouTube video. Do anything other than eat. Now that you got yourself away from food, go on tumblr, look at the beautiful bodies you will have in no time. Just imagine all the photos you will take. All the clothes you will wear. All the confidence you will have. Drink a cup of water Stay in your room now, you don’t need food. Bring some water or tea. Wrap yourself up in cozy blankets and watch some shows. Now go to bed Remember, you will be thinner in the morning ------------------------------------------------------ perfect girl rules 1- never go over 500 calories a day. if you do, fast the next. 2- excerise a minimum of 30 minutes a day. 3- if you do go over calories, NEVER go over 1,000. that’d be more then two days worth of food. 4- hair and makeup must be done perfectly and with care. how are you supposed to be perfect if you look trashy? 5- outfits must always be clean and fresh, no wrinkles, stains, etc. don’t wear the same outfit more than once per week. 6- be on time. 7- your bedroom/(house if you have your own) must be cleaned perfectly. messy rooms belong to slobs. 8- study for at least 45 minutes a day. smart is sexy, and it’ll pay off when you can get better grades and even tutor people for extra money since you know the material so well. 9- don’t ever be lazy with haircare or skincare. you want to glow, don’t you? 10- shave every two to three days, depending on how often your hair grows back. 11- bathe yourself daily. it’s better if it’s cold to burn calories, and if it’s cold it’s better for your hair. 12- don’t put stuff off. 13- no sweets unless it’s an important holiday or birthday. even then, restrict yourself. 14- write down everything you do. 15- you can replace meals with cigarettes or gum. 16- coffee, smokes, and diet cokes are what pretty girls are made of. 17- grades must be at A’s. 18- you have to have a job. you have to. 19- don’t look frazzled, or rushed. you shouldn’t anyways if you follow rule number #6 and be on time. 20- keep your stuff clean. devices, cars, etc. 21- 8 hours of sleep per night. helps you lose weight, feel regenerated, and focus. 22- wake up before the world. 5am, bright-eyed and bushy tailed. 23- don’t complain. 24- be grateful. 25- smile a lot. also, take care of your smile. brush your teeth and if you feel their yellow use whitening strips/ toothpaste. 26- carry a waterbottle. 27- tell your family you love them. 28- don’t burden anyone. 29- hunger is your best friend. 30- no drinks over 90 cal more than three times a week. (( a quick way out of that is to get it diet. literally 0 calories man)) 31- return calls, messages, dms, texts, emails from friends, family, teachers, etc. promptly. 32- drink water 24/7 33- don’t tell anyone about your eating habits except for your ana buddies. 34- don’t cry in front of people. 35- be a mystery. 36- sweats are not an outfit. don’t wear it like it is. 37- wear jeans or leggings three times a week. anything else is dresses and skirts. 38- treat your valuable items preciously, (phones, cars, memory-holders such as a gift or stuffed animal) 39- swearing is trashy. not at all or at a minimum. make it a rarity for people to hear you swear. 40- remember your safe foods. 41- have goals. 42- achieve them. 43- treat teachers nicely. perfect people are likable. 44- read books. choose a series or a few good books. you’ll feel more accomplished. 45- go out with friends and enjoy the things your town has to offer. go dancing and flirt with boys, but remember the rules. 46- update your blog. put in effort. 47- keep your life organized. keep everything organized. 48- lotion!!!!! you don’t want to feel dry do you? why not smooth, like silk. 49- keep it together. 50- even if you don’t have it together, act it. no one will no the difference. feel free to add on to the list. Cw: 130

17 notes · View notes

jess-oh · 5 years

Text

Reflection

hey journal! my body is under a lot of stress today—probably from lugging around my laptop all day, errrday.

i really dont even know who i am anymore or where my priorities lie or anything. ive been more pessimistic and self deprecating recently. but it was pretty nice to read my journal entries from the mission field and rewatching/listening to the performances from the festival in Turkey! I miss it all.

I totally forgot how much I struggled with my own innerdemons and pride while I was there! I’m glad I documented it.

I felt pretty challenged by Jason earlier. I think my go to is to hate myself and make a joke about it. I simultaneously think I’m better than everyone else and hate myself whenever I compare myself to those around me, lol. What a strange complex indeed.

I think the biggest thing I learned while in Turkey was to not be so results oriented. tbh, i think my thoughts and emotions have just been so clouded recently and i havent been able to think straight in a long time. a lot of what i’ve said has contradicted other statements ive made. im not who i used to be. i used to be so good at being vulnerable and honest and real and genuine and really did care for others. but ive grown a lot more selfish since then. how can i call myself a Christian and claim these goals when I myself am not living them out? I want to. I’ve been wanting to help others but moreso bc i wanted to feel better about myself and not because i just wanted them to be okay. and i think thats why ive been struggling to create these more intimate bonds and relationships as of recently. im so quick to judge far too often and i really dont want to bc who am i to say or judge anyone? only God can do that. we all have our own stories and sin. i feel like I’m “further” in my relationship with God than others but what does that matter if I’m not moving forward? At least they are deliberately spending more time with God and not just remaining stagnant and complacent in their position! And when I have had the opportunity to talk to people, I’ve found myself finding the conversation boring and wanting to move onto the next best thing instead of just treasuring the moment and opportunity that I had right then and there. I’ve allowed myself to become far too prideful and I want to come from a much more humble mindset once more. Everyone is hurting and everyone has their own story. It isn’t my job to fix them. It isn’t my responsibility and no one expects me to do so.

In February, I honestly didn’t want to live anymore. I think Sharlene helped a lot and going home to be with friends and family and attend Robbin’s funeral helped a lot. But I felt like I was in so much suffering and it felt overwhelming. He was dead and even in Turkey when I saw someone who looked like him, I was so shocked and distraught at the thought of having to relive that pain and see him again that I couldn’t help but cry and lose focus. My grandpa had cancer and things weren’t looking good. I couldn’t even bring myself to sing “Little Miss Sunshine” and I couldn’t even imagine a reality or possibility where he did pass away. I felt so much guilt and shame after Robbin passed. All the things I could have said. All the things I should’ve done. But I never did. And just like that, he was gone. And I felt like I was in an excruciating amount of pain and suffering. It didn’t matter if I was on the train or walking home or anywhere else public. I didn’t care anymore. At all. I had lost my family. He was gone. And I was so tempted to kill myself bc being with God in Heaven and having eternal life seemed like a much sweeter reality than the Hell I was living in. I didn’t trust the people at Lakeview yet and honestly, I still don’t. Though I am doing better.

I can’t make people happy because I myself am in so much misery. I am so pessimistic and upset and miserable. How could I possibly bring someone joy when I myself am feeling the opposite? I want to radiate with warmth and stand firm in my identity with the Lord. Not in aimlessly walking in this dark chasm that I’ve been walking in for who knows how long. There’s a lot that I don’t say in fear that it is “not as much” in comparison with others. There’s a lot that I don’t say because I don’t want people to see me as weak or think I’m less able of accomplishing certain tasks.

I don’t want to help for the sake of helping. I want to help because I genuinely care. I’ve grown to be so selfish and apathetic towards it all. And God, I truly am so sorry for the things that I’ve said and the things that I’ve done. I am a child of God. I am a child of God. I am a child of God.

I used to jump at the chance of sharing common interests with others because I knew how lonely it had been being in the outside circle and never fitting in. Never having the opportunity to getting to know anyone because I was judged before I even had the chance. And my bitterness has definitely taken form and prevented me from doing a lot of things. It’s prevented me from going back to Sa-Rang without seeing them all as enemies targeting me. It’s prevented me from really trusting people within the church. How I can I hope to build a culture based in vulnerability when I myself am not willing to do so?

“Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” Matthew 7:1-4

I want to be genuinely interested and invested in others. When they share what their interests are, I want to take the time to indulge myself in those things so that I may better understand them. I want to build a community and intentional relationships with these people. I don’t want to help so that people can praise my name. I want to help because I care about them.

I think I’ve been more selfish and conceited recently because I am so desperate for someone to care about me. And I am so blind to the fact that people do. I think Johnathan cares, Jason cares, P. Josh cares, Amanda cares, and I’m sure Johnny does too. David L. cares, Rachel cares, Joyce P. cares. My sister cares, my mom cares, my dad cares. Jeanne cares, Sofia cares, Andrew cares. But I have been so blinded by my own self hatred and criticism that I haven’t been able to see or accept that. I just keep digging my own grave and running into a brick wall when they are more than willing to help. I just have to be honest and reach out to them. Asking for help doesn’t make me a burden. It is only when I expect them to always be by my side in every moment but if I am genuine about it and try to care for them.

By my own standards, I am the worst dirt of the Earth. By those around me, they praise me for my commitment, hard working nature, and determination to get anything done that I set my mind to. I don’t want to believe I’m better than anyone else because I really am not. I am so broken in my ways. I am so confused and lost and feel like I’ve seen nothing but darkness for so long. In February, I decided to try and go all in with God and see if anything changed. If I read the Bible, if I got super involved at church, went on a mission, and really did my best to give everything I am to the Lord and live a life so deeply rooted within the church, what would happen? If I still wasn’t happy and felt miserable then I would know it wasn’t worth it and God is not real in the end. And I would cast Him out and pretend He is fake. And that mindset of going all in has lowkey been super toxic to my faith. Because yes, I have been doing all these things and usually with an ulterior motive in mind. But because of this underlying doubt and caution, I’ve been so quick to point out inconsistencies and almost desperate to find any possible crack in the stone. But going to Turkey did really rekindle my faith, I think. There were moments when God was just so undeniable and real. When I talked to Arzu and my heart so desperately broke for her.

I don’t want to be afraid to sing loudly at church or be honest about how I’m feeling or really cry out to God during a Sunday service. I so desperately need Him. And this underlying fear has been getting in the way of me really going deeper with Him. I don’t know how long it will take for me to find my identity in Him once more. But thank you God for giving me that wakeup call because if not, I may have ended up like Johnathan’s roommate and left the faith altogether because I tried to serve too soon without having a firm foundation first in you. I do want to better equip myself. I do want to serve your people. I don’t want to serve because it’ll make me look “cool.” I don’t want to serve because of how others will perceive me. I just want to serve just as I am with all that I am. And I pray that I may be a humble servant before you, God. Because your word will not be shaken, God. It will not.

I want to have full confidence in the Lord. Knowing that my identity

I think initially coming into my freshman year, I was so scared and intimidated by everyone. But I was also much more real and genuine at the time. I think in some part because of all the heartbreak I’ve had to face the past few years as well as hanging out with the wrong people and turning away from God has left me very bitter and apathetic and self-centered and conceited and too afraid to be real. I put up a facade and walls upon walls upon walls up to protect myself from others. It’s in part because of Sa-Rang. But it’s also because I have felt pain so deeply and extremely during my time in college. And it’s honestly been so hard. I’ve relied on people to help me through those moments time and time again but something always happens when I can no longer be friends with them in that capacity anymore. Saying guys and girls are different and can’t trust the MAST guys bc they’re guys is just a cop-out. It’s an excuse so that I don’t have to open myself up. I don’t want to judge/rebuke for the sake of doing so. I want to say these words because I care so much about my friends and genuinely want the best for them.

God, this is my prayer to you. I don’t want to do these things for the sake of doing them but I want to do them so that I may better honor and glorify you. I do need a community. I do desire just coming as I am to someone. Anyone. I need another Sharlene in my life. She was there for me when I didn’t know what to do. When my cousin had passed away, I didn’t care about anything anymore. I don’t want to brag about the things I’ve done anymore. It’s uncomfortable for everyone and doesn’t make me feel any better about myself.

My family is not nearly as terrible as I make them out to be but that doesn’t make me any less scared of going home.

Instead of judging people for the things they may say against me, I want to be able to pray for them and lift them up in love.

I want to love as Christ has loved us.

I want to be so confident in my faith that I would be more than willing to die for Christ, regardless of the circumstances. Whether I must lead a life of suffering or face an immediate, I want to be willing. Even if I am imprisoned or socially outcasted or physically punished, I want to still stand tall and firm in my faith. Knowing that my God is so much greater than anything on this Earth.

#reflection

0 notes