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speedytimemachineflower · 2 years

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october 18th, 2020

You know, life is funny, even at seventeen.

Like I feel like in the past four years of my life so much has happened that I could write forever about it

when I was 14 everything was so simple, everything to me then was about whether the guy in English liked me back, and how I could be prettier, and how to have the most fun, it was before the school was on drugs, before the bitterness of adolescence kicks in and your view of the world is distorted, but also at the same time justified. Back when I had to ask my mom for a ride, and the foundation of my social life was built upon whether my mom was available to drive me.

Im sure I will read this back year after year, as time goes by and giggle at the innocence that is really subjective as you age. However it doesn’t change the fact that I feel any of this.

Maybe I’m writing this as a closure, or a way to organize my thought, or perhaps a letter to my future self reminding me what it was like at this period in my life- I don’t really care, I just wanted to put this on paper, because a part of me breaks at the thought of forgetting it.

“Sweet Jane” by the velvet underground, I saw Miley Cyrus cover it today on youtube, and it reminded me of Tyler and 2018. It made me sad a little bit. There was some sort of aura that year that just felt like things wouldn’t change and that they would last forever, there was this weird certainty about it, I’m not really sure why- maybe thats the innocence of it all. I just remember that song, and it being on the playlist he made me for my birthday that year- I still cannot listen to that song and not get emotional, even two years later. I don’t really know why it makes me so sad, maybe ill find out once I’m done writing this, but it just represents a transition I guess. It represents Tyler and what he means to me in my life. I guess its more about Tyler. The name Tyler will always have this weird connotation for me, it just is so weird. It kinda makes me want to scream thinking about it not going to lie. It makes me more boggled knowing that at one point in my life that energy was worth holding onto. I just feel as if that year and a half, maybe two years 2018/2019 was some sort of time warp, I wasn’t myself then, and I was okay with that. Everything felt off those two years, nothing felt like it was mine, I kept looking outside for myself rather than within. I cannot blame Tyler for me losing my mind, but he still has that connotation. His impact on my life is undeniable, and I forget that more and more, and when I remember that he existed in my life at one point, it blows my mind, and when I realize that he still exists, it blows my mind even more. He just really never felt real, like honestly thats what it is, even when I didn’t like him, something about him seemed like so divine, not fake necessarily but just so like designed.

Its just so sad. I have this bad habit of checking his spotify every few days, I’ve been doing it since freshman year, idk I want to break it, but I also have this morbid curiosity- I guess we all have our vices. Anyways it seems like he’s dating this guy now, and its just funny because I feel like I’m starting a thing with *****- and I hate it- I feel like I’m going to be energetically tied to Tyler forever, i just hate it, I feel like I’m mirroring him all the time somehow, god knows if thats true, but its this complex I have and I hate when little things prove it- basically a Marilyn Monroe complex except with a guy. I wish all the time I could just wake up in a world where he never hurt my feelings as bad as he did- where he wasn’t an asshole, where I didn’t fall in love with him. My ego has never been more sure about something than thinking tyler would be my first boyfriend- I thank god every day for that lesson though- you cannot trust the ego lmao.

Even though all of that shit sucked, I wouldn’t really do anything differently, I’m never going to tell him I loved him, I’m never going to tell him how shitty of a person he is, I’m never going to tell him why I did everything- and I almost did but I’m glad I didn’t. The main lesson was learning about ego and what it is capable of, and honestly, telling him all that shit only satisfies my ego, the only reason I ever wanted to was to get a reaction to “know” that he knows- but he already knows, probably not his ego, but his soul. I know that- I believe I can tell anyone anything through the soul, and I think everyone has the truth deep inside them, but their ego is preventing them from seeing it- like how in summer 2018 I was so sure but it all felt off- I knew, but I didn’t know.

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casualantiheroism · 5 years

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There's no fucking excuse to fling vitriol directly at a creator no matter how much you hate what they're doing.

Most published writers are used to it because in order to have any degree of success you have to have a sort of masochistic desire to have people tell you you suck.

I'm telling you this tho as a person who has been that fan, (look at grant ward in my avi and then remember he pushed fitzsimmons out a fucking plane before you @ me with 'I did nothing wrong Don Cates is a monsterous assbag babyman and YOU'RE a monster for liking Ward. - just marinate in the hypocrasy)

Here's some truths that are hard pills but true for you venom fans, marvel fans, dc fans.

CREATORS DONT OWE YOU SHIT.

People mourned when sherlock holmes died. Like full on victorian mourning with black armbands and holding wakes. People stormed sailors coming from the UK when Dickens wrote the old curiosity shop asking about little nell- his protagonist's friend. They waited months to read installments of the story.

Those two dudes shaped literature and when Doyle died his last words were about his wife and Dickens was asking to be made comfortable. No one, not doyle, dickens, alcott or stan the man lee thought about the fans on their deathbed. Why are you willingly pissing people off hoping they'll remember you? They won't. You're not the first 'fan' and you won't be the last. When you take critique directly to the writer that amounts to 'your mother is a llama and she should have aborted you' you have more in common with the fans of the bible who were SO WILLING to pursue THEIR version of the truth that they started a series of wars over it called the crusades.

PLEASE CRITIQUE DON'T BITCH

Donny Cates is being an overbearing manchild who is seeking attention by actively responding to every troll when he should just keep on keeping on. The man is extremely talented- even if you haven't read his other work his other work is actually pretty damn original AND breaks out of the patriarchal standards for dudes.

That said, responding to every fucking troll has the air of 'my mommy and daddy said I'm special fuck you'.

It's obvious also that a lot of blog sites are confused by VENOM. Everybody could be worrying over nothing but Cates is blowing it our of proportion because he is a comic wunderkind apparently who shits sprinkles and talent. Next fucking Alan Moore? What??

See I'm not telling this to the man's face and fuck anybody who does. The whole point of opinions is that I can have mine and he can have his and despite responding to every troll which is starting to look like a plea for attention the guy is young and he'll learn.

You know that phrase opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one? What are assholes for? Shitting. It feels GREAT to take a shit we all know this. Would you really do it in public tho? In front of someone? This is my private toilet (I'll shit as I please) but every time you dump a critique or opinion or a fucking threat in front of a creator why take a dump in public? Trust me

Writers are masochistic enough even if you want to make a point or bitch I can promise you they'll see it. The 'yes daddy tell me how much I suck' attitude is as old as the first caveman who told the first story. Why embarrass yourself and shit in public?

Writers may get the privilege of not acknowledging the fans as they die, and live, and function, and make money off fans. They pay for that privilege fully aware that there will ALWAYS be people out there who despise every thing they do. Respect that. Shit in your own toilet.

VENOM IS ANTI-GAY NOW

This one pisses me off the most because as much as the internet wants to pretend otherwise venom was NEVER fucking gay and gay people deserve better.

I say this as a big bisexual queer agender person thinking of transitioning. We deserve better then an alien and a guy who started off with a shared quest for revenge who spent most of the 90s crawling around in a sewer. We deserve people cheering. We deserve villains and heroes. We deserve wiccan and teddy from young avengers getting married and adopting a baby and teaching the new young avengers

We deserve eddie coming out as bi and maybe finding this sudden!!lady!!!ex??? (Wtf Cates??) But idk maybe fucking patrick? Or the lady? Or both??

Gay people deserve better then venom and people who ship it y'all should acknowledge that you want to see better mainstream gay rep cause it was eyeopening a.f. for me. I'm AFAB and masc. Agender. Most marvel gay representation is super femme and marvel stuck iceman back in the closet.

I deserve better and I'd rather ask Marvel for that then yell at one writer. And I know it sucks when you realize the yawning casm of pain that opens but everything worth having is worth working for.

So listen you hate venom? Hate Cates's run? Want your gay slime back? - @ marvel on social and ask where the gay male folx are. Go to cons and politely ask. Take whatever anger you feel about something that doesn't exist and put it into working so people who come after will be better.

VENOM IS ABUSIVE NOW

It always kinda was?? Most relationships in comics kinda are because there is nothing normal about a man who puts on tights and goes out to fight crime? Also its made by a bunch of people who have a masochistic need to be yelled at?? Also a bunch of people yell at them if they fuck up??

Comics for all the fun they are are also really fucked up period and its really fucked up that its the only outlet so many of us have and honestly I've got nothing I was a grant ward stan some days in my heart of hearts I still pray for a meteor to kill me.

WRITE YOUR OWN SHIT AND I'M PRETTY SURE THE DUDE WILL THANK YOU.

Already there are fan comics and really fucking talented fan artists basically setting out to 'fix' this run and NOT @'ing Cates with 'kill yourself sucky garbage man' and whatever the man might personally think, as an artist I like to believe the dude might offer a small nod of respect since he sees our tumblrs I guess (lol hi??)

Sometimes all you can do is make something.

Instead of writing this tho maybe can you write out nice things? Like original work about two guys falling in love and maybe one of them has superpowers and there's some drama but then they keep falling in love and there's lots of cuddling and cute and some drama but its the healthy relationship y'all claim to want and partner A can actually hold partner B who has autonomy?

I need that. As a trans person I need that. I need it to not be weird and fucked up I need us to face our shit as a community and make something better.

Please.

That's all I've got stop sending death threats.

#venom comics #venom #symbrock #veddie #gay #i hate the show but i love them #gay male marvel characters

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xsapphirestar · 7 years

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MM fandom reminds me of MS fandom

Hahaha

MS used to be really popular

like 10-12 years ago +

until big bang patch , there were huge changes .

in the year 2007 ~ 2010 ;

i was quite new to MS at that point of time.

i was really a newbie, noobie and naive .

in the year 2007 ~ 2008 ,

it was when i first discovered ‘bannedstory’ a free program for maple sprites. (kind of like mmd. free program but drawn models lolz) .

so i played around with the program ;

my first YT channel , where i uploaded almost everything i did with bannedstory and some other program i forgot . I used to be really desperate for subscribers too. not anymore. IDGAF ABOUT THE NUMBERS ANYMORE LOLZ. itz just numbers.

i watched other users’ ms videos , i also discovered a paid program ‘ sony vegas‘ but since i couldnt afford it ( i was really young and naive ) //i’m still am// ^^;; //illegal//

i played around with sony vegas, AND HOLY SHIT. sony vegas is such a COOL PROGRAM WITH ALL THE AMAZING EFFECTS & TRANSITIONS ! but it is a paid program . the full version is really expensive .

in 2008 ~ 2009

(dont rmb exactly when since it’s long ago) , i received many negative remarks , comments , criticisms . i was so affected by it that i deleted everything + my first youtube channel . i think it was my very first ? i upload almost everything i did with ms bannedstory there. i deleted that channel. i forgot the reason why i deleted it , since it is so long ago . but i dont think i regret it. a little part of me regretted it, cause i couldn’t see what my younger version of me did. :x

i also deleted everything on my second channel until it is left with 2-3 videos.

im sorry for being such a noobie. sorry for being such a useless burden

yes idk why do i exist in this world .

im such a trash . im useless . im a burden. i creep everyone out . nobody likes me . That happened like , 9-10 years ago , but i still remember those memories.

i guess im not meant to know people . im not meant to have friends . im meant to be alone . i dont deserve to know people . i dont deserve to have friends . im destined to be a loner4lyfe :’)

sorry that i was born this way .

even school made me thought this way …

2011 ~ 2014 ;

itz a traumatic experience for me . ; new ;

i meet new people , experience something new . i guess i was also going through a stage of puberty .

towards the end of 2011

My classmate abandoned me , she said she hate me . I began to overthink .why does she hate me ? am i a bad person ? did i do something wrong ? is it because of how i treat others ? how i treat my … friend ? i was mean ? i was being rude ? im useless ? im a burden ? how weird i am ? … She was the first person who made the first move to talked to me in school . i guess i kind of like her , as a friend . she meant a lot to me . She is the first person who tried to be my friend during my school days , while the rest do not give a fuck and gave me ‘ i do not like you ‘ face , even their body language says it . i got kind of attached and used to her presence , because i’m not used to making the first move to talk to people , being around with people , hanging out with people in school . i’m kind of a loner . im kind of anti-social & sort of … shy . i have different personalities. i act differently in different situations.

; 2012 ;

When she said she hated me last year , she abandoned me . She started hanging out with my other classmate . And everytime she saw me or when im close to her , she always make an excuse for me to stay away from her , and then gave me a blackface or that ‘ i do not like you ‘ look . hahaha

I guess there is a first for everything . I do not know how it feels having someone who did all these for me . itz a new experience for me . i feel lost ;; i do not know what this feeling was …

i started playing an online game ‘ auditionsea ‘ in late 2010 , but got more focused & addicted in mid 2011 .

I tried releasing my stress and emotional pain by playing auditionsea, because i do not know what i am feeling . I feel empty , hollow inside . i do not know what this feeling is. i feel … lost .It did not really work but it did pass the time .

i also overthink a lot . i kept thinking and thinking . i overthink so much that it fucked me up . i became more messed up . i tried acting not myself because acting myself will make me think more , and more emotional . im kind of a emotional person , to prevent me feeling even worse . i tried acting like a different person online… but it did not work and backfired . it still messes me up .i am so damn lost . i tried to become a different person irl , it is the same result .it backfired , did not work , making me even worse . i guess being true to yourself is the best ? … “ be yourself “ . everyone is different and unique . but i tried doing all that because of overthinking . i overthink , i think a lot . F m l .

In this year 2012 , maplesea released a new class , ‘ phantom ‘ . I saw his cinematic trailer and animation . holy shit . He is such a cool class, and he steal skills ! I stopped playing MS temporarily because that game gets boring after awhile when you completed what you want to do . I have to admit, Phantom made me install back MS and i got addicted to ms again . I really like MS storyline and lore . His individual storyline is kind of good , itz like watching an anime but you have to play the game to read the story lolz . The art is quite good , I LIKED IT !! but i took fucking 3-4 years to reach level 200, cause i stopped playing temporarily at LV 150-170 + . i do not know where to train , lost motivation and my damage is really NOOB . PLUS I AM POOR AS FUCK and NOOB AS FUCK . After phantom class , they began to release more and more class and i kind of neglected the old class which i haven’t get to 200 yet. lolz.

I guess I am meant to be alone , i do not deserve to have friends . i sorry for being such a weird person okay . i am sorry for being born this way . idk why do i exist in this world , idk why am i born with this personality . idk why am i so useless . idk why am i such a burden . why am i so useless …i’m really useless. i am meant to be a loner i guess .

i guess that is why i became more anti-social .

In mid 2012 - late 2012

In one of my school classes , i saw my friend crying . My other classmate saw it too , and he asked her why . She said her friend // my other classmate abandon her. She left her for another friend. I feel kind of bad. i thought i could finally feel good about it , seeing that she is finally feeling what i am feeling. But i just feel… bad. I am meant to be alone , so that means im used to being alone … I’m used to feeling lonely, but i am not used to feeling empty, hollow inside. Hahaha. fml it feels like a part of me has been ripped out and it hurts so fucking bad .

; In 2013 ;

In the beginning of the year , january , my school class has new sitting arrangement for everyone . I was chosen/paired with the same classmate . Idk, she acted like nothing has happened , like she had forgotten the hatred she has for me , and started talking to me again . Friends again ? i was confused . but it was only temporary . i guess all good things do come to an end .

; 2014 ;

everything’s gone once again . i became alone once again ~ i came to a conclusion that i am meant to be alone , nobody likes me , i creep everyone out . my classmate became really close to my other friend classmate . They both are close before , but closer this year … Hahaha . i felt like i’m a replacement . spare tyre .

; 2015 ;

I changed to a new phone on 12 January 2015 . That means my contacts are gone . I had to restart everything . Games , dl apps from playstore , new accounts , and other stuffz .

; 2016 ;

… i don’t know …. i feel so messed up !! LOST ;; LIFE GOES ON . NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS , LIFE GOES ON ANYWAYZ .HAHAHA FML . I had my very first IA / intern experience . :’) it was a challenging and new experience for me for 2 months lolz . That was also the period of time where i tried out MM ^^;; . i was curious so i tried out . Never knew i will love this game so much lolz . FUCK MY LIFE LOLZ. i intend to tried the game out for awhile , like play the beginning intro , then uninstall . MM made me confused , especially the convo with unknown where he send the address to the player lolz . i intend to uninstall after i played the introduction / prologue , but ZEN made me think otherwise . ZEN is really welcoming and SWEET OMFG ~ he reminds me of phantom from MS . Because of him , i decide to play the game longer , and i got even more confused but i still play CUZ OF ZEN !! FML AND THE LONGER I PLAY , THE MORE I UNDERSTAND AND THE MORE I RELATE TO THE CHARACTERS AND I FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS GAME OMG LOLZ FML . I don’t even know how , itz just sort of naturally happened !!! FUCK ZEN :’( LOLZ JK.

i guess i fell into a deep wishing well , unable to escape. a.k.a mm hell .

…..

hahaha .

i became more afraid . my fear increased . i developed a fear of talking/interacting with people . i am afraid of making friends. im afraid of making bad impressions . im afraid of opening up to people . im afraid of knowing people . im afraid the same shit will happen and i will go through it again

its not that i do not want to learn new things .

(who doesn’t want to learn new things? it means you get to experience it and that means knowing more things. you’ll be more knowledgeable about the things you enjoy i guess)

itz not that i do not want to learn . itz not that im being stubborn (i kinda am) . im just afraid

afraid of making mistakes

i feel so useless . i feel so stupid . why do i exist in this world

maybe one day , when i am walking down the streets , some psychopath will stab me or a car will knock me down LOLZ . i doubt anyone will miss me . not my family . what friends ? what is friends . what is a human being ? my family will be so glad to see me dead if that ever gonna happen . im such a burden anyways . im useless .

mean people exists because to balance the good and bad in life .

but why do i feel that more mean people exist than genuinely nice people ?

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