speedytimemachineflower

[speedytimemachineflower]

"plenty going around" she said

"youre pretty enough for them" she meant.

how do I try to reconcile these muddy thoughts up in my head

i see you, you sit with me in my bed

i feel gross

i feel like i shouldnt be here

i barely know you

last week i was crying over him instead

i just want to forget

i just want to forget

you arent helping me forget.

all i think about when im with you

is how much better toxic was in bed.

[speedytimemachineflower]

how do i feel better about my life?

when all i do is try to get better at the things i do

when im plenty good at lying around

how do I become a person

whose whole and good inside

what a lie it is to become a whole person tonight

maybe you see something in me i havent seen yet

i like to think i see something in you, but it always seems to turn the other way around

for me

i see a thing, almost a look in your eyes

ha! only if I could see you looking in my eyes

they dart around like planes

made out of the paper that i threw away

with some words saying its okay

its okay then?

I say.

[speedytimemachineflower]

i wish I had some more ideas in my head

i wish i could maybe see you in bed

youre not even my friend

youre not even my friend

hey but whats a couple dimes

betting on something might happen tonight?

I never knew I knever shouldve sued a couple knickers on you

what did i do

what did i do?

[speedytimemachineflower]

march 21st, 2021

One thing i learned recently is that the best way to vibrate on a higher frequency- no matter the environment, is to create, build, birth. In a world of today where everything seems as if its being destroyed, taken away, or in chaos- theres something to be said about people who can still see a beauty in life enough to make something out of it~ and i think thats the true meaning of life, to create something, and maybe show the world something new and maybe even have it change things.

[speedytimemachineflower]

october 18th, 2020

You know, life is funny, even at seventeen.

Like I feel like in the past four years of my life so much has happened that I could write forever about it

when I was 14 everything was so simple, everything to me then was about whether the guy in English liked me back, and how I could be prettier, and how to have the most fun, it was before the school was on drugs, before the bitterness of adolescence kicks in and your view of the world is distorted, but also at the same time justified. Back when I had to ask my mom for a ride, and the foundation of my social life was built upon whether my mom was available to drive me.

Im sure I will read this back year after year, as time goes by and giggle at the innocence that is really subjective as you age. However it doesn’t change the fact that I feel any of this.

Maybe I’m writing this as a closure, or a way to organize my thought, or perhaps a letter to my future self reminding me what it was like at this period in my life- I don’t really care, I just wanted to put this on paper, because a part of me breaks at the thought of forgetting it.

“Sweet Jane” by the velvet underground, I saw Miley Cyrus cover it today on youtube, and it reminded me of Tyler and 2018. It made me sad a little bit. There was some sort of aura that year that just felt like things wouldn’t change and that they would last forever, there was this weird certainty about it, I’m not really sure why- maybe thats the innocence of it all. I just remember that song, and it being on the playlist he made me for my birthday that year- I still cannot listen to that song and not get emotional, even two years later. I don’t really know why it makes me so sad, maybe ill find out once I’m done writing this, but it just represents a transition I guess. It represents Tyler and what he means to me in my life. I guess its more about Tyler. The name Tyler will always have this weird connotation for me, it just is so weird. It kinda makes me want to scream thinking about it not going to lie. It makes me more boggled knowing that at one point in my life that energy was worth holding onto. I just feel as if that year and a half, maybe two years 2018/2019 was some sort of time warp, I wasn’t myself then, and I was okay with that. Everything felt off those two years, nothing felt like it was mine, I kept looking outside for myself rather than within. I cannot blame Tyler for me losing my mind, but he still has that connotation. His impact on my life is undeniable, and I forget that more and more, and when I remember that he existed in my life at one point, it blows my mind, and when I realize that he still exists, it blows my mind even more. He just really never felt real, like honestly thats what it is, even when I didn’t like him, something about him seemed like so divine, not fake necessarily but just so like designed.

Its just so sad. I have this bad habit of checking his spotify every few days, I’ve been doing it since freshman year, idk I want to break it, but I also have this morbid curiosity- I guess we all have our vices. Anyways it seems like he’s dating this guy now, and its just funny because I feel like I’m starting a thing with *****- and I hate it- I feel like I’m going to be energetically tied to Tyler forever, i just hate it, I feel like I’m mirroring him all the time somehow, god knows if thats true, but its this complex I have and I hate when little things prove it- basically a Marilyn Monroe complex except with a guy. I wish all the time I could just wake up in a world where he never hurt my feelings as bad as he did- where he wasn’t an asshole, where I didn’t fall in love with him. My ego has never been more sure about something than thinking tyler would be my first boyfriend- I thank god every day for that lesson though- you cannot trust the ego lmao.

Even though all of that shit sucked, I wouldn’t really do anything differently, I’m never going to tell him I loved him, I’m never going to tell him how shitty of a person he is, I’m never going to tell him why I did everything- and I almost did but I’m glad I didn’t. The main lesson was learning about ego and what it is capable of, and honestly, telling him all that shit only satisfies my ego, the only reason I ever wanted to was to get a reaction to “know” that he knows- but he already knows, probably not his ego, but his soul. I know that- I believe I can tell anyone anything through the soul, and I think everyone has the truth deep inside them, but their ego is preventing them from seeing it- like how in summer 2018 I was so sure but it all felt off- I knew, but I didn’t know.

[speedytimemachineflower]

There were smiles

You were happy.

Why does it all seem so lifeless now?

[speedytimemachineflower]

may 24th 2022

the things that change

the song thats sane

the box tv that was a square is now a pane up on the wall

the years that pass

should mean green grass

and hopeful futures that are better off

and things have changed

my possessions are nice and shiny

I can see the glitter

inside is nice

cozy and I

am frightened of the outside world

I am distracted by commodities

that are sold to me by those who won the American lottery

I buy them because they allow me the only pleasure I am allowed to have

A fake plastic, cellophane slab

that kills me each day I have it

and owns me more than i do it

oh they said industrialism would make my life better

it is easier, but only in the luxury ways that are viewed

I can shit nice, and eat off of a gold plated spoon

but the food I eat is killing me, and the water I drink is costing me, and the house im in ill never pay off, and the tv I watch is full of stuff that reminds me of the irony, of the life I life.

[speedytimemachineflower]

wish you were here

I dont think a song has ever touched me so much as when I listened to wish you were here for the first time. It was almost five years ago, It was my freshman year of high school. I was fourteen, the month was September. Life was fun, there was no pandemic, and an awful government was a concern, but not an ever-present reality. My school was clean, not any of my friends were doing lines of cocaine on the weekends quite yet. The football games were an opportunity to flirt with the boys that I liked. Buy some snacks and gossip about the wheres and whats. Schoolwork was even fun. Easy really. I could get away with a lot. I felt as if I finally was in a period of my life where I was going somewhere, becoming something great. I had this friend group, and by the end of the school year, they had all moved or gone home schooled. I read a lot then. Lots of Vonnegut, and books on quantum mechanics and such. I loved my physics class. I loved my after-school tech theatre extracurricular. I had friends who I really felt connected to. Whenever I hear this song, I always think of a few scattered specific memories. It almost makes me cry. I remember a day, going to a football game. I had a crush on one of the boys in the team. My friend and I stayed after to maybe get a word in. We never did haha, but I remember listening to this song on my headphones and walking with a little drizzle around 10pm on a Friday night. I remember driving to school and listening to it. I used to get to school so fucking early for no reason. It would be 50 degrees Farenheit outside, and the sun was coming up. I got there at around 6:30 in the morning, sometimes earlier. My friends would trickle in. I remember this one, and he was very memorable. Sorta quirky but memorable. He told me how he hacked some assholes wifi and shut it down or something. I remember it freaking me out. I used to read Vonnegut, Plath, and Hawking on this table every morning before school. I had this friend, she used to come in and join me. I had this other friend and him and I would ditch P.E. to listen to Pink Floyd in our school's bleachers. It all comes back when I listen to this song. When I listened to it I never thought that I missed anything, but I was still moved by it. Now I wonder if it was a wink from the future of how I feel now about that time.

[speedytimemachineflower]

what you want that you cannot have

parallel lines, don't know if its the best example. Probably not, im trying to convey something specific.

You have them in your life, they love you, but they will never be there the way you want them to. you have everything and nothing at the same time, almost some sort of buddhist teaching.

[speedytimemachineflower]

he was a wink from the future

[speedytimemachineflower]

No one to kiss

And no one to love

Im dry as a bone

Yet still my brain sprks a thud

I look to you

And all i see is a dream

I guess it was my fault

I made up my mind

I created a false reality

In which you were mine

And every time i dream of you

It doesnt match up to who i see in real life

You left abandoned

Stranded and enchanted

Slanted and enchanted

Honey we couldnt have

Planned for this

I was never in love

And you were always free

Its what you wanted though

And thats what hurts

Even though i bargained for less

Its still worse

And i see you in a picture

And i wonder what i see

Youre cellophane

And melting quick

On an iron stove

Called a reality check

And i cant seem to make out the

Beautiful lines in your face

I really hoped that you could move on

From the past that you pretended to not want

And the girls and the boys

Who were puttin you down

Are now the first row

At your funeral now

And as you decay

They dont even bother to show

And when the day comes

The only one there will be your soul

Not wondering why

Just being apathetic thats all

I couldve been there

But i didnt get invited

I was on the list for

A bootycall night

Never to love

Badly organized

And forgotten

[speedytimemachineflower]

I spoke to god, i said i dont mind-

I just asked him to make it meant to be

[speedytimemachineflower]

the string of life weaves on

[speedytimemachineflower]

i love the thrill of it all

[speedytimemachineflower]

the concept of time bewilders me. As I "age" it becomes more apparant of its illusion and passing.

[speedytimemachineflower]

I think that theres a certain true beauty in letting go- letting yourself truly and fully ride with the waves of the universe and see where you go. My whole life i have resisted this, always trying to gain control of things- my relationships, my family, my friends, my aesthetic, my life. The only thing worth controlling perhaps is your own sanity, but however ive found a greater comfort in letting go of the idea that sanity or insanity are two distinctive terms; What is insanity? What is sanity? I could give countless examples of these two terms juxtaposing themselves throughout lifetimes. In a classic philosophical manner, i am giving up my search for answers, i am no longer in need of them.

[speedytimemachineflower]

If - Pink Floyd (Lyrics)