#idk what fuckin disorder to tag this as bc idk which one causes it for me

[binders-and-beanies]

Ppl either overreact or completely brush off the fact that i hear voices like there’s rarely an in between. It’s either “that’s called having thoughts” or “you are a danger to yourself and others.” Like for me it’s clearly abnormal but I’m also not pressed about it bc it doesn’t scare or harm me (they only say funny things or complete nonsense)

#the best is ppl who act like this is the most horrifying thing in the world but when I express distress abt a different symptom that .. #.. ruins my life they’re like oh that’s nothing that’s normal that’s funny or you’re lying #mine #txt #idk what fuckin disorder to tag this as bc idk which one causes it for me #personal

[pet4pet]

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ intro ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

im bunnie/rae/deer!

im trans nb (genderfluid i think!) and bi/pan/queer/something like that idk that shits difficult

im also autistic and have Fucked Up Brain Disorder, both of which affect my interaction with sexuality and also everything lol

i am aceflux so my interest level/activity may also fluctuate!

im like 98% t4t, theres exceptions to every rule but generally speaking t4t 4 life, and polyam too (currently single)

UK based so generally work on those timezones but with the caveat of a dogshit sleep schedule most of the time oops

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ dni ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

bigots or bigotry based kinks (raceplay, detrans/sissy, etc.)

pedos/"maps"/etc. and related kinks (ddlg, agere etc.)

minors/no age in bio

cryptobros/nft fans/billionaire techbro dicksuckers

cis men you can follow just fuckin behave and dont expect interaction from me ^^'

kinks, comfortable language and misc under the cut!

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ kinks ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

i am a switch and most of these i like both as sub and dom! exceptions noted with [s] for as a sub and [d] for as a dom

petplay! (bunny, puppy, deer??? difficult/rare one but is me!)

bondage/shibari

power dynamic stuff in general

praise

soft degradation/humiliation

breeding (no preg!) [s]

monsterfucking

tentacles

size difference [s]

edging/denial/orgasm control

free use

rough use [s]

soft omorashi (mainly desperation/humiliation aspect)

oviposition maybe?? is a new one for me

probably others ive forgotten!

i do my best to tag harder kinks but just lmk if theres a specific thing you need tagged and ill see what i can do o7

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ language ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

gender neutral names (both for pet names and dirty names)

gendered names when i have specified a gendered feeling (eg. if i say i wanna be your boyfriend, masc terms are okay in that situation, etc.)

pretty much any terminology for my genitals (pussy, cunt, hole, clit, dick, etc.)

honestly just dont refer to my chest unless i have first, then you can mirror my terminology (most likely just chest)

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ misc. ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

asks very welcome just dont be a weirdo pls!!! if you read this and follow it it should be fine?

if im not comfortable with an ask/dm ill probably just ignore it bc im an anxious person lol sorry

if you want a specific thing pls tell me i am the big 'tism i need clear communication and also being able to consent to sexting prior is good too

no unsolicited pics pls, and dont ask for them either unless i bring it up i am Big Shy

if you fail the vibe check i will block you cause thats what its there for, but im usually pretty chill so you shouldnt need to worry!

── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──

#pinned #intro post #nsft #queer nsft

[jukemaid]

man i want to make one of those monochrome deep comics about my life experiences as far as mental health goes but it would take a long time and i am extremely impatient. shit just the dialogue would take a long time when i could make a fuckin uhh. flowchart. timeline

RLY LONG RLY RLY LONG AND IT DOESN’T EVEN COVER EVERYTHING IT JUST SCRAPES THE IMPORTANT BITS OFF HEED THE TAGS YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

idk why i wrote this. maybe it’ll help someone’s perspective. maybe it’ll help someone finally reach out. information is everything and i have plenty to share.

baby juke (undiagnosed adhd-i)

14 years: traumatic event took place

14-17: immediate fallout from trauma in school performance plummeting, developing severe anxiety and outright panic and depression manifesting in physical illnesses. my attendance looked like swiss cheese. my childhood doctor, who refused to test me for adhd given my young age during the mid to late 90s when the big adhd trend happened, stopped trying to help me with these problems and told my mom they were “in my head.” she was right in the way she didn’t intend and i stopped seeing her. i began planning my suicides at age 16 and did not intend to live to see graduation or adulthood.

17: against all odds i graduated.

18-19: psychological abuse at home worsened. i still struggle with words like “lazy,” “useless,” and “worthless” since they were all used as frequent descriptions of me from my dad. i never received proper help for any of my mental issues and had to scramble around blindly myself through phone call after phone call for someone who could help me, because my parents never did. they never believed me. i found a dual counselor/psych who ultimately wasn’t what i needed, but she did get me on some meds i’m still on to this day. i took clonazepam daily for years. don’t do this.

20-23: i don’t remember these years. isolation and escapism. it’s a huge gap. i lived on my friends’ couch for six months at the tail end of it because i couldn’t handle the abuse at home any longer. i was eventually forced back by their landlord’s reaction to me being there.

23: after some attempts and switching positions i had a job that i genuinely liked, and while it wasn’t the best pay or hours, i was content enough. this is where my physical issues really took their hold and that’s a timeline for another day because it needs its own focus. tldr it resulted in physical disability bc of my spine being the wrong shape and poor poor joints. that said my mental state deteriorated over time and overwork, not enough sleep, not enough actual care or treatment.

23: eventually i broke under pressure from this and family problems and went to the ER. after spending 8 hours in the designated “danger to self” guarded room i was traumatized by yet another event taking place in the ER that i witnessed that i still can’t talk about. the county mental health person diagnosed me with major depressive disorder and dysthymia and admitted me into therapy the following monday.

23: after two sessions with my new therapist i was diagnosed with severe adhd-i and sent to a psychiatrist. my parents told me i was lying to my therapist and not telling her everything, which consisted of how i wasn’t doing anything to help myself. i wasn’t getting better fast enough to their specifications which meant it was my fault, just as it had been all my life. and just like all those other times, i was too broken mentally and empty emotionally to care. therapy was a bandiad. it helped but it did not fix.

februrary 14th, 2018: something very specific happened in the country that caused significant media attention. i don’t know why this one instance was what finally did me in compared to all the others, but this was the single day that changed everything. that brought back all the trauma from a decade ago in full force, and destroyed me so utterly as a person that whoever i was before this day was completely snuffed out from existence, and they are still dead and gone. like a switch flipped. instantaneous. i have never been the same.

may 8th, 2018: on my mother’s birthday she attended therapy with me after a meltdown i had at home in front of both my parents. she told my therapist she thought i had created my own fears and made myself so paranoid based on what i saw online. my therapist listened to her and then told her outright that she had gone through her superior to get both permission to advance in treatment as well as put my diagnosis into formal record.

on my mother’s birthday in 2018 i was diagnosed with ptsd. i began cognitive processing therapy the next week.

24: i was no longer the person i was the year prior. after six to eight months in cpt... i was significantly improved. my mind was never the same and i would have to live the rest of my life with my ptsd for how deeply it changed me on a fundamental level, but i was better. i could breathe. my anti-psychotics helped my insomnia and psychosis. while i was still afraid and easily triggered, i was less paranoid. the nightmares became less frequent. i struggled and continue to struggle with overstimulation and agoraphobia.

25: after having both successful graduation from cpt and confirmation of physical disability, my situation at home improved. i was more stable, though still severely emotionally unhealthy and sometimes walked on eggshells. i began to be able to eat again and gained back some of the severe weight loss i endured (which ultimately caused gallstone issues so severe i needed emergency surgery to have the whole thing removed). i began to enjoy things again and it was easier to shake off the bad. i outright stopped being suicidal.

26: i am back on my parents’ insurance due to disability. i’ve been slacking on getting back into therapy but i haven’t needed it, nor have i had it, in months. i am better off than i have been in my entire life and it was all thanks to the horrific ptsd diagnosis that got me the help i really needed. i struggle every single day with everything i do, yes, but it’s easier. i’m happier and have fun and can feel more and more deeply. i’m able to cry again after spending around a decade virtually unable to. i feel comfortable where i am socially, even if it’s not ideal, and feel comfortable with the relationships i have. my parents are more understanding and have seen what ptsd has done to me firsthand through episodes and attacks. they’ve had to deal with the many, many medical bills from my plethora of undiagnosed health issues that they failed to check. that they failed to listen to me over, when i was still a child and depended on them.

i am not grateful. that word has only bad meaning for me and like tons of other words i have trouble using it properly. i am not grateful to anyone whose job it was to help me. i am not grateful to myself, my friends, or anyone. i am happy with them, but i am not grateful. i don’t like that word. i don’t like what it implies. i am most certainly not grateful and will remain bitter until my deathbed for how my parents treated me all my life. how they ruined me when they should have supported me. all the kindness in the world they show me now will never make up for the abuse i was inflicted with when i was at my most vulnerable and had nowhere else to turn. i will never forgive them for this and i have good reason to believe they understand that and mourn what could have been.

i am stuck at home because of all the problems i’ve explained, but it’s better. i am more self-assured and have all the documents to prove i was right. i was right and they failed me and they know it. so they leave me to my devices and don’t try to insert their shitty opinions into whatever i do.

but that’s neither here nor there. i continue to do what i can and improve little by little every day. i still need to see many different doctors... but i’m doing well. i’ve never been this happy and i would daresay i’m at peace with my life currently. i wouldn’t go so far as to say the struggle was worth it, because i have yet to have any significant success that has put me above the low low bar of “extremely damaged but recovering.”

but i am recovering. i am recovering and i am very glad to be able to confirm that it DOES get better, because you get better and you get healthier and it makes life shine so much more brightly than it ever had.

#a cathartic play by play #mental health #trauma tw #abuse tw #suicide tw #ptsd #pretty comprehensive list of my mental health history #it gets better my dudes