#idk self worth is hard

[soppsop]

i just rememberd adhd meds exist and now im upset because i could have that if it wasn't for that freakin neurologyst we went to see that told us it was impossible that i could have adhd because i have good grades in school. literally the ONLY question he asked me and immediately said it was impossible. we spent like 5 minutes there. he could've at least... explained something???? anything?????? and now i'd feel bad about asking my parents to see another neurologist because that costs a lot of money :((

#now im just unable to concentrate on anything and feeling very worthless #ok gonna start rambling here a bit #vent? -> #i'm just not good at anything except drawing. everything is hard and i don't think i'm capable of getting a job and contributing to society #in any way except drawing. my self worth is being held almost entirely by my ability to draw. #but i'm also incredibly slow and unproductive and it's so hard sitting down and starting a drawing and finishing that drawing #drawing is the thing that makes me feel alive and feel good about myself so when i can't draw i just feel really awful #i just wish i could concentrate and work and be productive man. why do i have so much stuff going on in my brain. why is everything so hard #sadge 😔😔 #ok gonna try to draw i hope something cool comes out or i'm throwing my computer out the window and playing videogames #oh also another neurologist once told me depression can't be caused by school #i'm pretty sure it can but idk im not a doctor #what is up with these neurologists man #i know it's gonna get better tho. life might suck but i *am* a teenager and it's only gonna go up from here. #im still learning about myself and stuff. also no school next year that's gonna be awesome #don't wanna end on a sad note bc life is good actually #and i'm fucking amazing at drawing

[donnyclaws]

I was gonan make a post apologizing for lack of regular art but I feel like jts already clear im sporadic and in and out of it bc chronic pain and circumstances. So for now I'm gonna hibernate, get my health steady again, deal with money issues, and art will happen when it happens.

#i do feel kind of worn down by it. i wish patreon and commissions didn't feel so taxing even with accommodations ive made for myself #maybe it'll feel better in the future when less is going on but rn it #places this barrier of management in front of art that makes it less relieving to do #cause there's always a part of my brain reminding me it needs to serve a purpose and needs to pay off in some way #which isn’t a new feeling for artists obviously. maybe doing it all since hs js also why it's tiring. and patreon changjng the way it does #working part time now too. idk if maybe id like to step back from it #it's abnormal that i worked taht hard and it did help me get out from my parents and stay out. but im also tired ect #idw let people down by not being able to keep up with a self imposed expectation or #be irresponsible and remove sources of income for myself. redbubble inprnt and patreon all suck in ways that bother me hugely #i only really enjoy itch.io at the minute #not to say anything bad abt patrons or commission clients you've all been excessively kind and patient and understanding always #i wish i could make them better i feel like there's no way how it is at the minute is of value compared to my output as an older teen #but yknow. self imposed worry. im just worn out and id like to just make things without the management and the fretting and the #i havent made a comic post for patreon in ages or this or this i havent made a speedpaint or a song or #yadda yadda lmao #sorry for the impromptu ramble #this isnt to say id never do commissions or a store or anything again or i want to not make money off art #god knows i will need to be grinding out comms once im well again but ex #i feel like im getting less and less able to manage it and then putting out less and less #and hoping ill somehow get very healthy and active again one day and make it worth the wait yknow. #it's not a feeling i want my art to carry in me. #part of me and the parent in my brain is saying it'd be selfish to give up income but the rest is like #that's cruel. i want to feel good and healthy

[singedbutter]

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#lately this site has been really fucking w my self image #I know sometimes I go through phases here #but idk this one feels kinda different #my sense of self has been kinda fucked up w my new job #I feel like I get on here and immediately start comparing #which is silly bc all the people I follow or reblog from are amazing #I love supporting their posts #it’s not competition #the best words for it are insecure and inadequate #but my self image and self worth plummeted recently #idk all I can think about sometimes is what I’m not #I get stuck in a spiral of telling myself I’m not enough #I have a hard time pulling myself out of that though #and god fucking knows I’m not gonna ask anyone near me for reassurance lmao #I really miss when this place was my outlet rather than another source of stress #I’m just so ready to not exist anymore #personal

[nibwhipdragon]

Ok actually. After tonight's events I am completely done with suicide baiting jokes. I don't care if they're directed at yourself (ie. "Oh I suck so bad at this I'm gonna kms") or if the other person is ok with them literally don't do them at all. Stop normalising it. Because you're gonna end up eventually saying that sort of stuff to someone who's not fine with it and that will cause Issues. Or it will straight up make your own mental health worse bc you're putting yourself down in the worst way possible. It's not good as a whole. Stop completely. Jesus Christ.

#feel free to reblog this btw 👍 #i just have Feelings atm #i talk abt getting some of my friends into a videogame I like #and then your initial reaction is to tell me to kill myself? REALLY???? #even if said game gave you self worth issues when you tried it bc it's hard and you were bad. #and you not knowing i am heavily suicidal aside #on what fucking plane of existence is that an appropriate response. what the fuck is wrong with you #btw this person isn't on tumblr. just doing this with you/yours and such bc idk how else to word it #also ignore these tags i need to vent to nobody

[sherlock-is-ace]

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#today's one of those very embarrassing and shameful days #where i can't look at a trans man without being filled with the most horrible envy and sadness #i obviously can't hate a person for living their truth and being happy about it #i am happy for them as well #but in the back of my mind there's a horrible darkness and hate that scares me and makes me feel so guilty #i don't think i've ever outwardly shown that (why would i?) but it's in there #the envy and jelousy is in there #and i know it is very much a ME problem. it's about my own anxieties and my own lack of self worth #but i don't know what to do about it idk how not to feel this way #and i hate it #so what do i do? nothing... just avoid looking or reading or thinking about trans men on T until it passes #but damn! the dysphoria and hopelessness is hitting hard today... #(but one good thing i did about it today at least was changing my name on linkedin lol) #personal #angel talks

[aeide-thea]

tumblr ate the original version of this post, but tl;dr i'd gotten to thinking about the 'don't just like, reblog!!1!' discourse that seems to have intensified lately, and i think for me the issue is basically that artists seem to want to have their cake and eat it too when it comes to whether they're our peers, or actual professionals?

like—fundamentally my blog is my space to express my own taste in. period. that's what it's fundamentally primarily for. ergo i'm not going to reblog things i have mixed feelings about, because that would be misrepresenting my taste, unless i can append critique to them in order to clarify where my taste diverges. which i can do, with professional work!

but i'm pretty sure most tumblr artists would be upset to find criticism popping up in their notes. which is totally understandable! but like. if i have to discuss your work politely, rather than honestly, because you're a peer who's in the room with me—then yeah, if i don't like it enough, i won't reblog it, because if i don't have anything good to say, i shouldn't say anything. which isn't how we handle professional art! but it is how we handle our peers.

and it just seems to me like—you've got artists out here going 'i'm a struggling amateur, so you should do me a solid and toss me some free publicity! 🥺' but also 'i'm trying to make a living at this, so you should do me a solid and toss me some free publicity! 🥺' and i just feel like, which is it? because if you're my peer, then i'm only going to discuss your work publicly if i like it enough, because to do otherwise would be rude. and if you're a professional, then i don't owe it to you to subsidize your business by providing free advertising! if a business's products don't actually organically appeal to people, it should go under!

which maybe sounds harsh, but like. i have no desire to see making art restricted in any way. people should make whatever art they like, regardless of audience or quality, and derive joy from that! but like. if you want to make a living from your art, you should, actually, be making work of a quality that will speak for itself, in which case you shouldn't need to browbeat people into recommending it??

#obviously there's some nuance around the edges of this discussion and what i've said here is an oversimplification #but i feel like this discourse has gotten to a point where it's worth just staking out some basic ground #like. idk. (1) art is an actual craft and being good at it is an actual skill #and if you're trying to go pro with it‚ it *isn't* just about uncriticizable ~self-expression~ anymore #and (2) no one owes it to you to use their personal corner of social media to provide you with free advertising #like. frankly i'm not convinced people are confused about the difference between likes and reblogs #in the way that this discourse seems to think they are #i think most people hit like on stuff they like‚ and reblog stuff they want to tell their friends about #and not everything in the first category makes it into the second category #just as i don't mass-text all my friends about literally everything that makes me smile over the course of a day! #like. idk. it IS fucking hard to make a living at art but i just really don't think that trying to force more of a response out of people #than your art is eliciting organically #is the way to go about it‚ for a lot of reasons #anyway the original version of this post was better—this one's more abrasive but like. the original got et #so now you're getting annoyed!me :) #a wild engagement with the discourse appears

[anothermonikan]

good gifts for laptop. anyone. anyone pls

#It's chrimas in a week...it's also bby's birthday! #But I can't think of anything to get her...I've been thinking of actually getting a hard drive replacement #but the thing is with that is that it's not as simple as buying a hard drive and swapping it out...I gotta like. prep #I don't have an anti-static band or anything. heck. idk if I even have a place to ground myself #I've seen people say it's not worth it but honestly I'm not trusting self-rightous tech bros sorry ashsdhdshsd #I don't know what screwdriver I need to open the part of the chassis up #it's all quite nervewracking aha ^^;...and a bunch of money. I only have £80 till January #so I'm thinking very hard about anything I could do #gwahhhhh #objectum #Android.txt

[lord-squiggletits]

You know, I think my thing about liking “asshole Megatron” more than “good Megatron” (speaking in terms of IDW1) isn’t just the fact that I find evil Megatron more entertaining and sexy, but that I suppose I don’t like the way good guy/Autobot Megatron’s personality is?

Like mmmm I’m not trying to be one of those people who goes “he’s OOC!” or “he’s such a wimp!” or “he’s evil and doesn’t deserve to be redeemed,” but there was just something slightly grating about the way Megatron is/acts in MTMTE/LL. If I had to pick a word for it, he just seems very... self-pitying? Ratchet said it perfectly while the DJD were attacking and he told Megatron “Oh of course it’s all about you, what a surprise.”

There’s something about Autobot Megatron that makes me hate him as a person, not like in a “haha what a pathetic bastard” way the way I see villain Megatron, but in a way that’s like “god you are so fucking stuck up and annoying” in a non-enjoyable way. Maybe it’s because Autobot Megatron was a last minute plot change and I’m sensing how JRO “forced” Megatron to be part of the narrative last minute? But that would just be a matter of shoddy writing, and MTMTE/LL aren’t shoddily written.

It’s presumptuous to try and assume the motivation of an author, but I guess it kind of feels like JRO was trying so hard to make Megatron a better person that it backfired and made him more unlikeable in my eyes. Like, Megatron’s dialogue about how if he goes back towards violence he’ll never come back out again because the guilt will be too much is poetic yeah, it’s a very cute notion, but the context is that the fucking DJD (who Megatron made) is attacking and killing members of the Lost Light (who Megatron is in charge of) and was it supposed to make me think of Megatron as noble or pitiable or something? Because instead it just pissed me off and made me want to scream “this isn’t fucking about you Megatron, stop being an angsty mope and DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR ONCE instead of crying about how hard it is for you to not enjoy killing people.”

It’s fucking weird because I of course love the concept of redeemable Megatron, and I’m fascinated with the way in which he adopted violence as a coping mechanism for trauma, but the way he’s written in MTMTE/LL just makes him seem more like he’s a self-justifying asshole trying to make pitiable attempts at good deeds than like he’s actually improving as a person. Which of course is a problem caused by the fact that JRO shoved him into the plot last minute and it didn’t actually make sense for Megatron to be on the Lost Light.

#squiggposting #negativity #like deadass i don't get how so many people loooooove mtmte megs because like yeah there are really good moments #but as a person megatron is so annoying and self righteous and kind of whiney and is basically pointless to the plot to begin with #if you took him out of mtmte/ll i don't think the NARRATIVE AS A WHOLE would have lost anything worth keeping #like idk i'm trying really hard to avoid punitive and judgmental language when talking about meg/atron but just #he really really really annoys me the way he acts and how the fandom thinks that he's so precious and sad and such a good person #yeah he's less of a piece of shit than he used to be but he's still kind of a POS lol #he's so out of place in the narrative that JRO had to invent an entire alternate universe just to give him something heroic to do #meg/atron didn't even make reparations in the universe he fucked up #he just got an alternate universe made just for him for him to save instead #that's not justice that's not redemption that's not him compensating for what he did #CONCEPTUALLY YES redeemed megs is good #JRO did indeed do a lot to flesh out megs as a person #but overall he's like so fucking annoying actually and i feel like he's actually so fucking pathetic as an autobot #but everyone else seems to think he's a precious bb who tried so hard and is such a good person now #there are whole armies of meg stans who try to act like he did nothing wrong and he's god's gift to cybertron/the plot #he's really not BUT when i look at the plot of mtmte/ll i say to myself #'i see exactly why the fandom stans see megs the way they do' #because the whole story after megs comes in has this vibe of making excuses for him and trying to soften him #giving him superficial moments and forced plotlines that make him the hero of an entire alternate universe #THE UNIVERSE LITERALLY REVOLVES AROUND WHETHER MEGA EXISTS OR NOT #sure megs is punished in universe by people hating him and going off to be executed at the end #but in terms of structure and aborted plot lines (looking at you mutiny arc) the story bends to soften mega/tron and give him every chance #and it just feels.... cheap #it's one of those things where if i ignore my opinion i can enjoy the story i'm given #but if i look at it with a critical eye i'm like 'this isn't actually Pure Perfection Incarnate and actually kind of annoys me'

[karliahs]

i love all fic comments but the ones that get me most are the ones where people suggest something i wrote like. changed something for them or helped them understand or realise something

someone recently commented that a fic i wrote (one i do not even really remember writing or thinking was very good) helped them articulate the kinds of supportive things they want to express to their partner with chronic pain. several people have said fics I wrote about not being obligated to forgive people have helped them reinforce to themselves that they don't need to do that. someone being like the panic attack you wrote with somewhat atypical symptoms is exactly how I have them and I've never seen that reflected before

Idk this doesn't have a point except I love everyone who has ever read my things and maybe I should write again and take my own writing with the seriousness that people receive it even if that feels scary and embarrassing

#talking #idk it's easy to be flippant and dismissive and be like haha i wrote anime fanfiction #it is harder and also better to admit i care very deeply about connecting to other people through fiction and want to try even if it's hard #i dont like. take the time to work on my orig fic for lots of reasons but partly just because i feel embarrassed to care #and to view it as worth doing when it is very unlikely id ever get published #anyway i wrote almost 5k of self indulgent astarion/oc stuff today. live your dreams

[pinkspiraling]

i actually feel pretty hopeful. not working makes it SO MUCH easier to focus on doing good things for myself. before i was constantly having to choose rest on my days off so i was never able to do beneficial things or be intentional. now it’s like time is just available and stretching ahead of me in a good way. i’m excited for this month i think good things can happen and ik im not sober but i think maybe i can get there and maybe i’ll find a way to actually make it to rehab or at least get a therapist

#i feel like i sound silly when i talk about rehab but i just keep finding more substances that i’m getting reliant on #and it’s so hard to be sober on my own. i wanna be somewhere where i’m not alone in it and there are people who understand #but then i feel weird about WANTING to go cause i feel like i’m not supposed to want. lmao. which is just silly and self sabotaging #it’s hard to ask for tho :/ like impossible to ask for. i’d have to lie about to my parents about WHY i’m going i think. #so idk if that’s worth it. but i would also love to stop! my tummy hurts constantly and i don’t wanna feel depressed anymore #pink’s word vomiting

[toytulini]

mental health just straight up plummeting

#toy txt post #everyday the smallest things have me spiralling into such stupid despair #constantly fighting myself cos every single thing has me wanting to throw up my hands and walk the fuck off bc theres bo point #whats the fucking point!! just despair and exhaustion and burned the fuck out and gnashing at the fucking walls and then spiralling into #a stupid little self pity self hate spiral cos im just a weak stupid little baby who cant handle the real world. plenty of ppl have it so #much worse and havent given up yet so whats my fucking problem? which is so stupid. but i cant logic my way out of this one #so i am simply sitting here feeling so god damn bad #and i dont even really have. a good reason for it. idk. like i dont have a lot of concrete quantifiable reasons i can present about why #i am so goddamn miserable at my job. im just. going insane i need out im performing badly its not worth it theres no fucking point #every day im fighting the urge to just fucking walk off over the stupidest tiniest things that are definitely not worth that kind of #reaction. like yea maybe i do need like mental health meds or smth but i also know. i need out of this fucking. job. but i dont know #like. idk its like my options are just kore of this same stupid bullshit or retail/food service. and like. shout out to retail and food #service. i fucking could not i fucking cannot. but like im reaching that point here too. everything hurts all the time with no reprieve and #all my options just feel like its gonna be ! even more stupid repetitive motions that wont help! like idk! idk what to do. i just #wanna read about stupid little fucking worms and fish but doing that professionally im not sure im up to it and #between me and that career path is thousands of dollars and homework. so #now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead #trying so hard not to display idk red flag behavior but im Going Insane. i should just start crying at work. why bother hiding it. whats the #point #vent #ig #i should go eat. and waste the rest of my stupid fucking night playing zelda trying to soothe my brain enough to function except im not #functjoning cos then itll be 5am again and ill have done nothing but play zelda and be up too late and go to bed and not get enough sleep #and be a little to a lot late and be miserable and the cycle just fucking never ends #not enough fucking podcasts about worms out there for this #i opened several academic papers on tongue eating isopods to cope and barely read them bc i cant do that at work it takes too long and i get #lost and my productivity is already in the shit and i need to stop being on my phone and i know that but like also if i dont fucking #distract my stupid fucking brain right fucking now im gonna start throwing things and crying #anyway. thats how im doing. bye

[the-casbah-way]

i woke up too late to study (again) and it’s raining and i’m too depressed to go to uni so i have to cancel on all my friends today (again)

#i keep waking up really late on days where i don’t have class and i don’t know why #i suppose it’s because i’m debilitatingly depressed and the idea of being awake genuinely makes me want to vomit #i’m used to getting up at 7am for work and i never struggled with it but right now i just can’t do anything #and then i get more depressed and stressed and angry at myself because i’m not getting work done #i’m behind on all my deadlines and i’m trying so hard but nothing is happening because i’m too sad to function #i get this soul eating guilt and self hatred when i cancel on my friends #because i’m just the person who never follows through i always cancel and disappoint people and no one is surprised anymore #and i know i’ll be able to go to class tomorrow but i’m going to have to cancel on my friends for after that class too #because i’m too depressed to be around anyone i just want to be on my own and feel worse #i wish i could talk to someone about how bad i feel all the time but i’ve got a lifetime’s worth of feelings pent up and it’s too much #idk what to do with myself

[frostfairysteve]

steve "i wish somebody loved me as much as i hate myself" harrington

#literally just listening to my release radar on spotify and heard this line #decided giving steve self-worth and self-esteem issues were the way to go #dude was literally king. in top of the hierarchy. and then he gave up his court and crown willingly to become a better person. #and then the person that made him want to be better calls him and his love bullshit. idk i feel like that's a pretty big blow. #steve is trying so hard. and he is so lost.

[hawkeyefrommash]

in england i had no issues meeting people on dating apps and that becoming a really good close friendship but in canada it’s all way too dating focused tbh. like are you not open at all to new friends ??

#it also doesnt help my general self worth lately that it’s been so hard to make friends but that isnt on them obviously #no one’s Obligated to be my friend #it’s on me etc but . still idk why it’s so firmly focused on Romance Only

[ozymoron]

wish my parents didnt spend all those years telling me how smart they think i am so i wouldnt have to deal with the consequences that brought

#⚠️ #personal #vent #that and my mums whole ''i bet your gonna surprise me some day and do something amazing!'' thing she has going on #guys will have an unhealthy relationship with their self worth and be a perfectionist #having a rough one today #idk is it so hard for a guy to ask to be loved for himself and not what he makes?

[mx-misty-eyed]

i am so confused

#don’t rb #so like. there’s definitely something wrong with my brain #or multiple things most likely #and i’m trying to figure out what specifically it is #but it’s hard bc i’m kinda hesitant to self diagnose #all for informed self diagnosis ofc but im just doubting myself/have an internalized/irrational fear that i’m faking everything #especially since my therapist keeps diminishing stuff that i tell her #and i asked her to do a screening for ocd and she never did and idk if she forgot or she just didn’t believe me/think it was a big enough #deal where it’s worth getting tested or whatever #and also with the self diagnosis a lot of the stuff that i’m wondering whether or not i have has overlapping symptoms with other stuff #so idk how to differentiate/figure out what it actually is #like i’m fairly sure i have ocd depression and adhd #and prob anxiety too #(apparently it’s not normal to have a set of words that you repeat over and over in your head to calm yourself down) #but also it’s possible some of the stuff i’m experiencing is a sign of bpd and/or bipolar (more likely bpd i think but it could be bipolar) #and also i’m thinking it might be possible i have osdd? either 1a or 1b i’m not really sure #like i feel like i have kinda different personalities for school and home and stuff like that #but idk if that’s just a normal thing where you act differently around different people #<- like obv that’s a thing a lot of ppl experience i think but idk if the extent to which i’m experiencing it would make it osdd #but also idk? it’s possible i have osdd-1b #idk how likely any of this is but #like idk how to describe it #but i think the description sounds mildly accurate at least #like i def don’t have amnesia #and idk #like it’s possible that it’s different system members but #i also don’t know if that’s a thing that’s up for debate? #like if it was then i feel like it would be more apparent #that there’s different system members and stuff #rest of the tags got fucked up check replies