#idk just an atmosphere of safety yknow. i think its intentional touch that specifically makes me panic bc im usually fine w like-

[toastsnaffler]

I was on the wikipedia page for phobias just for fun but just discovered theres an actual word for a fear of being touched.. 🥹

#haphephobia.... and they list guts from berserk under pop culture references 😢😢😭😭 thats my guy.... #not gonna lie i teared up a bit i didnt realise it 'counted' as an actual phobia #i find it really difficult to talk abt but i have a complicated relationship w touch/physical contact (likely trauma babeyy) #and while i do crave it a lot i also have a very physical reflexive fear response especially if its intentional + i dont expect it #which can sometimes even get triggered just being in proximity to ppl bc like. even the possibility sets me on fucking edge #it would be nice to be as physically affectionate as i naturally want to be without dealing w my fight/flight/freeze but alas #its weird bc there are some random situations where it doesnt get triggered at all but its so unpredictable every time #and varies wildly person to person for seemingly no reason. there r strangers im innately more comfortable with but also friends ive known #for years and will never be comfortable around. i think part of that depends on how strongly the other person communicates and whether- #i feel as if theyre demonstrably able to respect boundaries not just mine but their own too + understand theyre not always fixed #ideally i need to have had this conversation with them so i Know they understand. which is rly difficult i find it so hard to admit #and i have a complicated mental block where i need the other person to naturally bring it up which very very rarely ever happens #idk just an atmosphere of safety yknow. i think its intentional touch that specifically makes me panic bc im usually fine w like- #bustling crowds or even expected social rules like handshakes at interviews. bc its not like they're Trying To Touch Me its just rote idk #hopefully eventually ill reach a place where im able to unpack it and reduce its severity bc man sometimes its fucking heartbreaking to me #bc i do genuinely really like physical contact im an incredibly physical person its my main way of interacting w the world #and the way having to force myself to avoid it meshes w my rsd too augh.... its a clusterfuck #even just having one person im completely comfortable with. maaaaan. #almost makes me miss my ex. at least i was mostly cool around them #god its sucked lately ive been having weird vivid dreams related to it. but whatever its so far down my list of problems to prioritize #and at least i dont get it w my familys dog so i can cuddle her :^) i miss her i cant wait to see her next month :D #anywayyyy thats enough im so tired goodnight every1... #.diaries