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#and the way having to force myself to avoid it meshes w my rsd too augh.... its a clusterfuck
toastsnaffler
·
5 months
Text
I was on the wikipedia page for phobias just for fun but just discovered theres an actual word for a fear of being touched.. 🥹
#haphephobia.... and they list guts from berserk under pop culture references 😢😢😭😭 thats my guy....
#not gonna lie i teared up a bit i didnt realise it 'counted' as an actual phobia
#i find it really difficult to talk abt but i have a complicated relationship w touch/physical contact (likely trauma babeyy)
#and while i do crave it a lot i also have a very physical reflexive fear response especially if its intentional + i dont expect it
#which can sometimes even get triggered just being in proximity to ppl bc like. even the possibility sets me on fucking edge
#it would be nice to be as physically affectionate as i naturally want to be without dealing w my fight/flight/freeze but alas
#its weird bc there are some random situations where it doesnt get triggered at all but its so unpredictable every time
#and varies wildly person to person for seemingly no reason. there r strangers im innately more comfortable with but also friends ive known
#for years and will never be comfortable around. i think part of that depends on how strongly the other person communicates and whether-
#i feel as if theyre demonstrably able to respect boundaries not just mine but their own too + understand theyre not always fixed
#ideally i need to have had this conversation with them so i Know they understand. which is rly difficult i find it so hard to admit
#and i have a complicated mental block where i need the other person to naturally bring it up which very very rarely ever happens
#idk just an atmosphere of safety yknow. i think its intentional touch that specifically makes me panic bc im usually fine w like-
#bustling crowds or even expected social rules like handshakes at interviews. bc its not like they're Trying To Touch Me its just rote idk
#hopefully eventually ill reach a place where im able to unpack it and reduce its severity bc man sometimes its fucking heartbreaking to me
#bc i do genuinely really like physical contact im an incredibly physical person its my main way of interacting w the world
#and the way having to force myself to avoid it meshes w my rsd too augh.... its a clusterfuck
#even just having one person im completely comfortable with. maaaaan.
#almost makes me miss my ex. at least i was mostly cool around them
#god its sucked lately ive been having weird vivid dreams related to it. but whatever its so far down my list of problems to prioritize
#and at least i dont get it w my familys dog so i can cuddle her :^) i miss her i cant wait to see her next month :D
#anywayyyy thats enough im so tired goodnight every1...
#.diaries
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