#idk if itll last lol

[whumpshaped]

hi im discussing a (somewhat) human astaroth au w @hidden-dreamland . for all the demon simps' consideration, some vibes and aesthetics (astaroth is the demon from my kinda horny very gory religiously themed angel/demon crack whump story)

bonus

taglist: @the-scrapegoat @heavenly-whumper @whumpsday

#got under your skin #im Tentatively dabbling in the whumper role a little #just bc the demon whumper brainrot is super strong #idk if itll last lol

[marsbotz]

good news for all my haters: im not coming back. not properly. i think social media and being around ppl in general is destroying me so im gonna just focus my energy on other stuff

ill probably still be a little bit active occassionally but for now i think il just stick to posting art etc. im moving to sheezy.art (which is down for maintenance rn but opens for registration again on fridays!) bc the energy there is much nicer for me.. but ill still post on here and insta. im also gonna be working on building my own website again!! so bookmark it and maybe some day itll have cool stuff on it.... :]

#idk ill see how this goes but ive been like lurking here for a couple days and every time without fail it makes me feel shitty #may not be a permanent thing but i have a couple safeguards in place now to stop me from getting sooooo bad. i think #i deleted all the apps off my phone. which has helped a lot esp deleting insta for reels #and i actually made another blog for like if i ever go Cazy again. for like vents and stuff . altho if im not on social media at all it #shldnt be a prblem #i wont share that but u can ask for it if u want. tho unlikely ill post for a while idk #for the record my neocities has like nothing on it rn. its essentially a series of tests from when i started last yr #and got nowhere lollll.. but im hoping to have a lot of fun with it soon #lol this whole thing is a little stupid. and i feel bad but just know its all my own fault. my own issues etc #its happened b4 itll happen time and time again i think. so im just gonna part ways w it #from now on if im gonna overshare it has to be in a lengthy edited well written blog post !!!!!!!!!!! #oke. bye #i do actually have smth to post later on my rnm blog but whatevaaa #oh ill start up my queues again too

[marklikely]

people r having an absolute fit over the frankie refresh having pink in it and i feel like im going insane. do these dolls not have more or less the exact same amount of pink in them.

#this complaint is literally so stupid it is the same. wrt pink. #the hair has pink now sure but its been totally removed from the skirt/shorts and toned down from the shoes. who give a shit #also you guys should be jumping for joy that we finally lost the absolutely hideous pink lipstick that looked bad w their blue skin. #avpost #anyway if you care abt my opinion i think all the refreshes are either a lateral move or a huge improvement. except cleo hers is bad #im excited to see lagoona in person bc it looks like theyre changing her pink skin tone and also i love the giant pants they gave her lol #i didnt like pink lagoona but i wasnt opposed to it in theory. my issue is that the specific shade they used is so ugly & clashy #the new one looks sooo good in pictures but i cant tell if itll look equally bad in person as the last one did #idk i like most of the changes except cleo she looks terrible. imo. #also for this doll specifically im annoyed that they're losing the belt with their own name on it! smh

[orcelito]

God, what even is my "reasons this hasn't been updated in 4 and a half months" list anymore hfkshdj

I think we're at: wrote a smut fic, got a new girlfriend, got into bg3, quit my job I had for 8 years, my dad fucking died, got Throat Bleeding Disease, got into crochet, started watching way too much anime, got into Stardew Valley again...

🤔🤔🤔🤔 things sure have been busy, huh?

#speculation nation #One of these 🎵 is not like the others 🎵 #well actually 2 of them are negative. but throat bleeding disease was just awful and sucky for like 2 weeks #ONE of these was a permanent and incredibly life changing event that left me traumatized in its abruptness! #im planning on expanding on it a little bit in my end notes. the above list is what im planning for my opening notes. #i know i dont owe anyone an explanation on why it's been so long. but. idk #i just wanna be upfront about it ykno? for people who may have been worried about me and all #also i kind of snapped at someone in the comments of the most recent chapter #after they just commented 'please update' & i was like 'my dad just fucking died so sorry if im not exactly quick rn' #& i feel a little bit bad for that lol. i mean their comment Was inconsiderate. but i doubt they meant anything bad by it. #but yea idk ITNL has just happened to be spanning the hardest year of my life. #from the end of may up until now. god i really hope the Year Of Death is over now. #and i hope this is the last abrupt hiatus due to an abrupt death/trauma in my life. #at 4 months it's the longest one. but that makes sense. given. ya kno. it's my dad. #itll be my birthday chapter. and ill want to hear birthday wishes. #but i guess i just wanna be. understood and heard. i want readers to know about my pain. #i wont go too in depth and all. but i dont want to keep it a secret. #my birthday chapter and my official 'my dad died lol' chapter. what a way to go.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation? #uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made #friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go #bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple #the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula #for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b #concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown #its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a #healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take #more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end #of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me #and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this #project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data #bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i #just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem #bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping #ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and #classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die #my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday #who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio #majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes #b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative #ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week #until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad #who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we #die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him #its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of #sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol #whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄 #unrelated

[whomturgled]

:^(

#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^ #thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too #n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but #also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH #n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl #just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh #to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha #anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE #but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like #an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse #its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow #i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee #but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others #like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺 #im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh #instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some #of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess #idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad #for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow #and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea #YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future #whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now. #god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u #feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr #It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!

[junk-culture]

they call it a gig because when you are on your way to it you are gig-gling with excitement and joy.

#YAY YAY i haven't actually been listening much lately to the band im seeing ive been listening a bit to them on the train but i think it'll #be epic actually to go into it a little Fresh and hear songs i haven't heard much in a while and enjoy them as if its the first time etc #i have a tiny notebook in my pocket if im bored waiting for the support/bored during the support i might try to #do some sketching #but idk if itll be possible LOL it won't be a mosh pit or any such thing but its not the ideal place to sketch #ok im gonna listen to them now actually for the last 25 mins on this train

[girlwithfish]

trying to fight the bluess..

#gonna make a beautiful meal for myself #Idk if my interview is happening tmrw. they never responded to me after i replied w a date and time that works for my schedule #nd i feel theyll either respond last minute and itll catch mw off guard or not respond at all so idk awkwarddd #I shld just pretend it is happening regardless so im not surprised or anxious lol. its not even that serious #its like not that serious its just an interview. For real 👍 #and not for a place i even wanna work at forever i just need a job rn so i dont need to take it so seriously or feel like its #life or death lol #Anyway

[pomfiores]

the grief after the loss is something so foreign but at the same time not new. how do you even explain that. just Big Big grief. i have her doll - its so worn and nasty but she loved this dirty thing and i can’t throw it away. can’t even cancel appointments/make calls/drink apple juice without falling apart and losing dignity lmao i’m so fuckedddd.

#◟ ⋆ㅤㅤif my hair's a mess﹐my mind's a mess.ㅤ( ooc ) #to delete * #i sit on it for a moment or even a second and the tears fall :thumbs up: #pet loss / #vent in tags / #cleaned up her kennel last night. cleaned up the bed. i have to clean the floor still. her bowl is here. just. ughhhh. #i brought in echo and idk if she even realizes. #im fine one moment then just falling apart and i get a headache for it. #ill stop lol i promise im just. still in shock. grief isnt new to me but this kind is. at the same time not #i lost a pet before but not like this. not putting them down. not sitting there for their last moments #i didnt want to but i know she'd look for me if i didnt stay just #its better for her. it was. considering the grand scheme it was so necessary #i have to clean the giant teddy bear i have bc we both used to sit on it but as things got worse #she started using the bathroom on it so thats necessary to clean but i just. can't bring myself to despite wanting to. needing to. #i know when i get her ashes im gonna break all over again thi sfucking sucks man #my brother said he respects me a lot for staying with her during those last minutes bc he couldnt with his dog- he wasnt strong enough #i dont feel strong enough i was falling apart in that office lol. #but your pets look for you when thats happening. in a room of strangers. they look for you. #cant see myself leaving any of my animals for themselves like that. itll hurt so fucking much i just know it. #this was hard i cant imagine for binx and echo. #setting yourself up for heartbreak with pets but i know ill do it again. #almost bursting into tears in public how fucking humiliating asjfha #crying in the vets office was humiliating enough but i didnt really care anymore #the vets were so kind but looking back i just cry again but idk what else to think of bc she's not here. #just traces and it sucks!!!! #edit: im probably gonna have to call work again and ask for another two days for bereavement lol #i did lose someone else too but this is my girl. i raised her. i put her down. #i cant pretend that much with a deep loss. i cried on the phone with my hr manager lmao that was fucking bad #might def cry more when i ask. im expecting them to let me bc these are my days off yesterday wasnt but #it was so abrupt.

[sipsteainanxiety]

i would like to know more about your big bang fic!!! :0 i see you talking about it sometimes and i'm 👀👀

hello nonnie!!! of COURSE u can know more!! i've been working on it since,,, well it was a wip of mine even before i joined the big bang collab so i've technically been working on it for a year now LOL progress is,,,, slow,,,,

i think i've posted the summary for it a few times on here before in the past, but it's basically just fantasy au with dragon!bkg LOL u find him injured in a cave!! and for reasons i will not disclose, he can't turn back into his human form, so,,,,,, shenanigans ensue <3

it's looking like it'll end up being 50k?? words?? i'm at uhh 22k for it right now so i'm hoping to at least get close to the end in the next few weeks!! its only 4 chapters but... those chapters r HEFTY. im done with the first chapter tho (it's like 13k words</3)!! and almost done with the second kind of!!

the masterlist will be posted next week and the first chapter is dropping on august 20th!! second is coming august 27th (which is when the big bang collab due date is). ideally the third and fourth chapters will be 1 and 2 weeks after that respectively!! but who knows,,,,, i'm excited for u guys to see what ive got in store for it LOL

#sipping tea with shay #i am ALWAYS down to talk abt my wips :D #its gonna be great!!! im excited!!! #me saying itll be 50k words when it might be MORE #bc idk when to SHUT UP #but yea the first 3 chapters r completely sfw #but the last one WILL contain smoot so thats a warning for any minors on here #im gna do it... im gna pop my en es ef double u cherry #babys first (publicly) posted sm*t #not gna make it a habit tho i only like writing it for long fics LOL #smth satisfying abt having all that buildup beforehand yk? #a nonny mouse

[cocogoat]

i think im gonna,,, delete tumblr for a few days,,

#◯ ༚ 。🍓 valentine.times #ill still be on my twt @wiishwashi #nd discord ig #idk how long thisll last but i . need to not be on tumblr right now #queue will keep going it itll be like im not even gone lol

[fortima]

a worry ive had about transition since before i started was ive worried that somehow my changes would make me look more white than i already do. cuz growing up ive had ppl mistake me for white or asian (??) or whatever and be surprised when i say im mexican and it makes me SAD. especially cuz my last name isnt recognized as hispanic here in burgerland

#i dont wanna be a white man i wanna be a sexy spicy latino 😔 #it feels like the world is whitewashing me like im extremely mexican ive been visiting mexico since i was a newborn #well whatever i tan easy i can just touch grass #txt #actually technically ☝️🤓 my last name isnt hispanic its basque but whatever. my chosen one is obviously hispanic #tho idk when to do my name change lol itll be a while until then #trans tag

[violentdevotion]

literally telling someone that even if you don't speak anymore you can't wait to see what they get up to and telling them you know they've got great things in store for them and then they die 2 weeks later. nat 1

#ameera speaks #25th #sorry ive been watching dimension 20 and have been thinking in terms of dnd 🧕🏼 < has neved pkayed dnd #anyway i couldnt sleeo and had a pit of sadness in me so i decided to reread our last converdation and ermmmmmmm #tears lol #idk i think so like when i told a friend she said as comfort than we had already drifted apart so at least the absence isnt too large #but then i reread it and remember that i always intended to stay aware of him and we always intended to carry on talking. just with an #awareness that itd be less consistently (bc we went different unis btw thats why) and i cant and thats the long and short of it #in one message i told him i cant wait to facebook stalk him in 20 years and see everything hes been up to bc i kmow itll be greata #and we didnt even get 2 weeks #sick

[possum-tooth]

-

#now im really just talking to myself but. the fact that i dont sleep at all but i still want him to come over........ wadda hell #idk when i can see him next tho god it was a fucking struggle to get last night god forbid any other week day :/ #i need a night shift job. then it wont matter LOL #i just need a singular job anyway and itll be that way soon just not Soon Enough. like Now. #i think im just extremely touch starved. cool. #talk tag

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted #and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i #think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god. #and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind #and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind #splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt #and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d #some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard #as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not #and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and #more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this #and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make #things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill #laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop #with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out #itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄 #unrelated

[whomturgled]

u know what i should actually make some sorta new years resolution or goals or predictions or smthn. rachel my therapist from 2017 if you're out there this ones for you girl<3

#i will inevitably forget all abt them<3 #2017 is the last time i had a consistant therapist i think lol YIKES #she'd be so proud of me probably<33 #i saw someone say theyre gonna make predictions and put it in an envelope w their taxes so next year they can see what they got right #and that sounds fun but i just know i will lose the envelope but maybe thats kinda poetic in itself #bc ONE DAY i'll find it idk how many yrs into the future and thatll be fun #in theory i MIGHT move this year (its complicated<3 i would have to go on a whole essay w diagrams explaining that) but i imagine like #if i dont lose it b4 itd get lost in my stuff while packing and maybe id find it while unpacking and then lose it again LOL?. #just like. knowing me #i also feel like i will end up not having accomplished a lot of the things i set out to do or having them have gone a very different #direction but yknow? thats just life! itll be interesting regardless #i dont actually have the attention span rn to do this silly lil goal setting but maybe later. which tbh is the adhd demons talking #i will forget later and this will all have been moot but teehee