#idk - Am i making sense? does any of this track? i'm trying to figure it out; i am open to comments on the subject to help

[brittlebutch]

Desperately trying to make sense of Alex's motivations in Season Two and you know, I do eventually have to wonder if maybe Alex wasn't actually lying in the majority of those tapes.

Like, we tend to assume that Alex's motivations have been a consistent throughline since the college years, but do we actually know that that's the case? Do we know for sure that Alex was acting in deliberate, calculated ways in 2006; or could it be that he's telling the Truth on those olds tapes when he says he's blacking out and can't remember what's happening to anyone? After all, if we're assuming that Season 2 Alex's motivations are the exact same as his motives in Season 3, then it doesn't make any sense at all that he spend months working with Jay to try to find Amy; Season 3 Alex would have attempted to kill Jay like, on sight just to get things over with as quickly as possible and contain the spread of contamination as best as he could.

But, maybe, if Alex really had been separated from Amy after the events of the 04-04-10 tape, and if he really doesn't know where she is, then maybe that could make things start to make more sense. Maybe he really had been watching Jay's channel, and seeing Jay start going through the same things he went through in college without things devolving into violence and disappearances, and wondered if things maybe could play out differently this time. Maybe he really did send that tape to Jay to ask him for help, maybe he really was just trying to find Amy.

But then, instead of actually being helpful, Jay makes it extremely clear that he's a lot more interested in stalking Alex than he is in finding Amy. Alex asked for help, and instead there's a bunch of masked dudes on Jay's heels that keep attacking him, Jay is breaking into his house, stealing his things, leading the Operator right to him all over again, keeps trying to get other people (namely: Jessica -- if Alex is being honest when he says that his call reassuring her that Amy had been found was an effort to make Sure she stayed away from everything that was happening) involved; and instead of anything getting better, instead of anyone finding Amy, things are just getting worse all over again.

It's not until after the incident at the tunnel that things seem to start rapidly devolving. Rather than a calculated attempt to finally follow through with his need to curb the spread of contamination, this is very clearly an outburst of rage and terror. Alex's "I told you not to follow me" line in conjunction with Jay speculating that Alex didn't know who that guy was, to me, pretty firmly seems to speak to Alex having mistaken that stranger for Jay. From his point of view, Alex knows that Jay and totheark know where he live, have broken in before, he suspects that Jay stole a key to make it easier to get into his house, and he's been followed on the daily for months -- Alex is sitting at the tunnel because he doesn't know where else he can go without being constantly surveilled, hunted, and assaulted. And instead of getting a moment by himself to breathe, Jay followed him out there all over again (it feels like Alex looks directly at the camera in Jay's footage of him from this day; he knew for a fact that Jay was there), and then to make matters worse now 'Jay' won't even keep his distance anymore.

So Alex lashes out. And it's not until afterwards that he looks down and finally recognizes that this wasn't Jay -- it was someone completely innocent. Things have finally reached the low point he was at in college all over again; maybe even worse this time. If Alex doesn't remember attacking anyone in college, but he was at least partially conscious of it this time, then things have reached an entirely new rock bottom, they've reached an absolute point of no return.

He has no idea what happened to Amy, and he's spent months trying to find her with no hint of where she could be; he doesn't know where Jay actually is or what additional trouble he could be causing at this point; he does know that now innocent people are getting caught in the crossfire (in regards to the stranger in the tunnel, and also Jessica now that Jay has her phone number, and the untold number of people Jay got involved when he started posting videos to the Marble Hornets channel); things are spiraling out of control and there's no one left to ask for help. The situation isn't getting better, it's getting worse; things aren't getting easier to handle, they're just getting more out of hand; the negative impact is spreading and who knows how much further it can still go?

So, Alex decides to go scorched earth. He disfigures the body with the rock either to hide evidence or to make sure the guy would actually stay dead and not just get back up to start his own cycle of contamination in a few years. He tries to give Jay one last chance to back off, and Jay instead admits he's been talking to Jessica, acts obstinate and lies about not having Alex's spare key, and then breaks into Alex's house a second time (minimum). If Alex doesn't stop him now, who will? Alex met with Jay planning to kill the others, and then himself, so he could put a stop to this once and for all and keep things from getting any worse than they already were.

Maybe it makes a lot more sense if, rather than being a strangely incomprehensible detour on what should have been a straight path, the events of Season Two were the breaking point that put Alex on that path to begin with.

#N posts stuff #idk!!! I've been thinking a lot lately about the tendency to take Characters at Face Value; when they tell us things we tend to #automatically believe them despite what evidence we might have to the contrary. & like when it comes to deciphering what #went down during the college film project it's mostly totheark that posits that Alex was Definitely Lying and Definitely Acting on Purpose #(even Jay is largely ambivalent - wondering which way it leans and basically saying it could go either way) #but. do we KNOW that they know that? Do we Know that they're Right when they claim that? Or are they just Assuming based off #of their own rage and animosity towards Alex due to what happened? Do we Know for Sure that Alex Was Lying in s1? #i don't know if we do!! And so without Knowing that for sure; how can we speak to Alex's motivations in season one OR season two? #now TO BE CLEAR: I am not saying this in an attempt to claim that Alex is somehow completely innocent of all guilt and that like. #Jay is the 'Real Antagonist' of the series - not at all my intention. this is just More of my usual 'look. Everyone in this series is #all kinds of Morally Grey; no recurring character in this series is free of guilt they ALL have unique fatal flaws & trends towards #antagonism that makes things worse and dooms them all' shtick - a la 'everyone Thinks they're doing the Right Thing but No One Is' #BUT i Am wondering if this Does help to like. clear up some of the ambiguity/uncertainty of Season Two - and even Season One - and #lets the series as a whole read a little bit clearer? idk i know that Jay does Claim to think that Alex was bullshitting him #the whole time & was Actually planning on tying up loose ends the whole time but AGAIN it doesn't make Sense he'd wait so long #idk - Am i making sense? does any of this track? i'm trying to figure it out; i am open to comments on the subject to help #i haven't rewatched season 3 yet today and so maybe there's stuff in there that contradicts this whole theory lmao but i'm taking a break #and just posting this anyway; we'll see what happens lol #marble hornets #mh lb

[slightlyrebelliouswriter23]

Okay for context (although I’m sure u probably already know the books by heart at this point bc ur the queen of tfota analysis) this takes place right after Jude stabs Valerian and as Locke is walking up to “save” Jude from Cardan. Before Locke comes over Cardan has a practice sword and points it at Jude noticing Valerian’s blood and is all like you seem to have cut yourself

Okay I’ve always been very confused as to why this was Cardan’s response to Jude

And I’ve been trying to riddle it out and look at context and figure out why exactly he would say that about Locke and Jude when he clearly doesn’t want them to be together (which I say bc of the scene where Nicasia tells Locke that Cardan won’t forgive him for what he is doing with Jude)

but more than that I want to know why Cardan used the word ‘Perfect’ bc… that’s a lie ????? not even Madoc thinks they’re well suited for each other… NEITHER does Jude! she’s tells Locke that they’re both pretending and that they don’t belong together but it’s still fun any way (this was at his manor before the party)

Cardan, for very justifiable reasons, doesn’t like Locke… bc Locke slept with the woman he loved… in Cardan’s bedroom… while being Cardan’s so called friend… nuf said

But we know from HTKOELTHS that Cardan has some form of attraction to Jude at this point (a disgusting attraction in his opinion)

Of course Cardan doesn’t necessarily like Jude at this point he hates her and says as much when she interrogates him (he hates her most of all bc he thinks of her often which is disgusting bc he can’t stop) (but also bc he is jealous that she is loved by her family)

Cardan and Jude are not in good standing with eachother. But he begrudgingly longs for her. Which definitely makes me think for more reasons than what’s explicitly stated in the book that he wouldn’t want her to be with Locke especially after what Locke did with the last woman Cardan was with. Even if Cardan doesn’t like the fact that he wants her, he doesn’t want her to be with him or at least that’s what context seem to imply. Also he shows concern for her on multiple occasions and prevents her from serious harm from his friends and then sends her a dress in secret and scribbles her name Over and over again

So to me the only thing that makes sense would maybe be if he is referring to himself?????

It seemed like Cardan tried to find an excuse to talk her. he has a practice sword with him which he had no reason to have, bc he isn’t one to care for swords and Jude was like he was waiting at the bottom on the tower as soon as she comes down. When he sees her he points it at her (and shows concern) and they have a little banter til Tayrn runs to get Locke

And my stretch of a theory is that if Cardan was thinking of Jude and himself when she said “you don’t think I deserve him”

Since he is tricky with his words when she said ‘him’ it could mean any guy, and if Cardan was on his own mind then when he responded “"Oh no, I think you're perfect for each other.” He could have been referring to him and Jude

… perhaps??? Idk bc even that sounds like a bit of a stretch to me… but less of a stretch than him actually thinking Locke and Jude are perfect for each other

I’m just very stumped on this phrase and I really want to know what your interpretation of the scene is (sorry that I’m incapable of getting to the point ever)

gvskdjsk okay i am LOVING the depth of thought here, and i think you're on the right track, but i'm going to connect two dots for you that might make sense of the situation:

1. just because Cardan thinks they're perfect for each other doesn't mean he wants them to be together. it just means he thinks they would pair nicely. and at this point, i truly think he believes this.

just before the above pictured quote, and after the quote where Cardan says she's cut herself, Jude takes her bloodied knife out of her pocket and says "I could cut you, too". then, in QON (ch. 18) Cardan says to Jude, "But that's what you do. You trick people". two things about Locke are that he is a little bit fucked in the head, and he tricks people.

Cardan doesn't know why Jude's blade is bloody. he doesn't know that she's just been attacked by Valerian, or that she lives every day in fear for her life. he just thinks she's loved by Madoc so she must be safe and well cared for. ergo, Jude pulling a dirty blade, smiling, and then threatening to cut Cardan would certainly seem like fucked in the head behaviour; and she has been known to lie and trick people. he hates both Locke and Jude, so they're perfect for each other.

2. Cardan smiles when he's nervous.

–Em 🖤🗡

more theories & analysis

#thanks for the ask!! 💜 #asked and answered #words-without-a-home #tfota #jurdan #holly black #tfota analysis #tfota meta #the cruel prince #the wicked king #the queen of nothing

[givehimthemedicine]

🧲 let's talk about power and magnets and soteria real quick

not feeling super coherent tonight but *gestures vaguely* constant symbolic and literal connections between psionic power and electrical power and magnets, and to power being surged / shut off / drained / stolen. I don't even have enough room for screenshots of Joyce's whole magnet plot.

according to this article, Brenner's MKUltra experiments on Terry Ives involved not just drugs and sensory deprivation, but electromagnetic stuff. by ~1970 he's not just making random shots in the dark - he already knows what forces are involved with strengthening psionic powers because he already knew how to suppress them in ~59.

soteria isn't magic, it's something ordinary old Brenner was able to develop using ordinary old science - and it didn't take years of research after obtaining Henry, either (I figure he had to have it already in the tattoo scene or the restraints wouldn't have mattered). my money says it involves magnets interfering with Henry's electromagnetic blablah or maybe just creating a small but constant drain on his battery. maybe his powers aren't shut off, just weakened, like he said?

as for tracking him - if he's telling the truth about that part - idk what GPS technology was like in `59, but if soteria has magnetic properties, I wonder if Henry could be tracked in the same sense as Dustin's compass needle deflecting to the gate?

now about Will:

admittedly this is based on a shaky series of assumptions and limited understanding, but just to toss the thought out there -

HNL took scans of Will's brain when he was possessed in season 2. IF these are MRI images, and IF I'm right about soteria involving a magnet, that seems to me like a vote against the idea that Henry put soteria in Will's neck while he was in the UD.

that thing made a distinctly metal noise when it hit the floor. if you've ever had an MRI, you know you can't go in there with any metal on or in your body, because an MRI is a REALLY powerful magnet, and if you have anything metal in you, it could get dislodged or pulled out, and/or the metal thing can heat up and burn you, and/or it can screw up the image.

if Will had an MRI not knowing he had soteria in him, it could have gotten ripped out like El ripped out Henry's, or at least pulled on his skin painfully enough to alert him to it. there are kinds of metal that are nonmagnetic and MRI safe, but the whole point of this thing, I'm theorizing, is that it involves a magnet so

even aside from soteria, I'm curious about the possible effects of a super magnet on Will while he has the MF in him.

actually wait one last tangent. anyone who cares, can you check out the particles-coming-alive scene in 3x01 (try about 11:30)? I'd gif it but the detail is too fine.

is ALL the debris I'm seeing throughout the scene shadow particles, and the particles are just not totally homogenous? or are the ones we first see shimmering on the floor metal bits (this being the floor of an abandoned steel works after all)? once the shadow takes shape, I'm sure I see distinct areas of shadow-cloud and other shimmery reflective stuff. am I to understand this as metal shavings being swept up with the shadow? in other words does it have a magnetic pull?

imagine Will's body being thoroughly infused with magnetic particles and going in an MRI tube lol

#why. why do they keep wanting me to notice those power lines outside the wheelers house. #what if soteria is a tiny lil baby Clarke-Byers solenoid. or something. #soteria #henry creel #will byers #maybe henry still has powers in the lab but only enough to like. knock over a styrofoam cup. so he just keeps it to himself #pretty sure the power lines / wall sockets thing is just a palatable way to say electrocuting people #but can yall help me keep an eye out for conspicuous electrical outlet imagery. I can think of a couple but not enough to build a case on #analysis #mine #givehimthemedicine analysis

[cyncerity]

I am screaming over your new au!! Just simply feral.

While with Wilbur does Tommy ever eat borrowers without Wilbur knowing? (like does a borrower simply go to move in and Tommy is like "sweet, some food!")

also is Tommy satisfied with eating non-borrowers? (I guess what I'm trying to ask is it like a cat thing where he's fine with eating food given to him but he just has a drive to hunt and kill? If that makes any sense) (I think you might have covered that in your overview of the au but I'm not super sure ?)

also the scientists just simply forgetting that they should teach him how to hunt if he was to be a predator to borrowers is such an over sight on the part, or was that something meant to come later in his training?

are emerald duo in this? What are their roles/how do they fit in the story?

I am so fascinated over this au! I don't think I've ever seen one where the *borrower* was the dangerous one 👀

IM SO GLAG YOU LIKE THIS AU THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME AN EXCUSE TO TALK ABOUT IT MORE

As for borrowers moving in, there haven’t been any since Tubbo, though Tommy would probably eat them if he knew Wilbur wouldn’t find out (at least early on in the au, eventually he gets to a point where he wouldn’t want to disappoint Wil and wouldn’t try to eat them, as much as he’d want to)

Tommy mainly just eats whatever he can grab, even though he doesn’t like eating anything more than he likes eating borrowers cause that’s just what he was taught to enjoy. However, there is a lake near Wil’s house, and that’s Tommy’s second favorite way to get food. Him and Wil go there usually once or sometimes twice a day so Tommy can get a proper amount of food, though they do have to time it so there aren’t any people nearby. So, kinda like a cat, but he initially refuses to eat any food that can’t fight for its life cause he doesn’t see the point. He eventually relents to eating other things, but still prefers live prey by a long shot.

Hskdksjshsks I wrote this and i didn’t even think about that, so i’m assuming that’s what the scientists did. They made a borrower murder machine creature and were like “yeah he’s fine, we taught him how to kill.” The scientists basically fed him by trapping a borrower in a room with him twice a day and letting him eat them, so Tommy definitely knows how to kill. In an outdoor environment, however, he has no idea how to track, trap, or corner prey, so it’s a bit harder for him. I think that would have come later once Tommy was determined to be the most successful experiment (cause there were definitely some others 👀), but he broke out before that could teach him more.

I’m trying to figure out what to do with the Emerald duo, but im gonna be honest, idk what to do with them rn. I’ll figure it out eventually, but for rn it’s gonna be mainly crimeboys until i get more ideas lol

Thank you!! I absolutely love feral tinies, and i decided that feral wasn’t enough, i needed homicidal hsksksksh

also i loved murderous Tommy in Charlie’s 100 days video (i mentioned this already but i’ll say it again cause i love zom tom) so the ideas combined themselves >:)

#i’m mentally ill if you couldn’t tell #<3 #idk what warning tags this needs so if you want me to add one just say it and i will #cyncerity #mcyt g/t #mcyt gt #i still need a name for this au #i’ll think of one eventually #or give me suggestions they’re always open

[the-amalgam-house]

There's been a whole lot of stress and anxiety happening around here. After ilo, I can't entirely tell the how or why some others are just popping up now, and if they are actually headmates, or personified aspects, or some other thing (age regression? Maladaptive daydreaming? New OCs?? OCs becoming part of the system???)

I know we all need therapy, tbh. Or at least most of us. I def need therapy I'm having full on breakdowns/meltdowns so much more often lately, even to the point of starting to feel suicidal again, which I'm honestly terrified of. Stress on top of stress and so many ways my mind is trying to find literally any solution or cope or something ??? I have no idea. I'm so exhausted by it all.

That being said, I think we're up to 7 or 8 now? Possibly 9 I'm really not sure and I'm tired of trying to figure it out I think. It's not so much that we all exist in the same space but rather that I feel obligated to keep track of everyone like a manager or something tho I'm sure that's not actually required of me. In fact, it's probably fairly likely there are others I am not and should not be aware of, as per the reason for being a traumagenic system? I really don't think I experienced anything quite on that level to necessarily completely block me from something? Impossible to know. I feel I had a fairly average childhood aside from the medical shit from way early on in life. Idk.

Uh. So I guess there's ilo and milo now, who are? The same but not? Twins in the same form?? I immediately want to try and figure it out cause that's what I always do but brain tired.

And Belly, a little boy, who I can't tell if he's a personification of my inner child/lost boyhood, a new split, and/or a personification of age regression. I've been finding some level of peace in the idea of age regression lately. Maybe.

It's all so complicated, and somewhat confusing to try to navigate on my own. Maybe I'll never really figure it out, maybe I should stop trying to find a cause or source and just accept when a new person is added to the Amalgam in any capacity? Does the how and why really matter in the end? Do the answers have to be clear right here and now?

I was feeling a sense of "there's a new one but many more hiding in the bushes" kinda vibe not that long ago and maybe it's true and I still have several more people to discover? Or not discover depending on how they feel I guess? But I'm trying to be the type of person in this shared mind that I would in outer world, holding space for the outcasts and those who just want to find family. To bring kindness and acceptance even if I don't have a full understanding. If there are even more people here in this brain I want to make a space that is welcoming and safe for everyone. And maybe I'm trying too hard to please everyone even in my own mind? Idk. I'm very tired and I want all the answers but I think I have to accept that I'll never have ALL the answers and have to be okay with that.

#toby talk

[painted-crow]

hey so i'm looking to figure my sorting out. i'm p sure of my secondary but honestly i've gone in circles so many times that i'd believe anything lmao

so i guess to start like. i'm fairly sure i'm an idealist, but with a twist. i care about making the world a better place-- i'm kinda infamous among my friends for being a little TOO outspoken about my opinions. on a small scale, i have strong opinions about a lot of things, but on a larger scale... idk. i don't think any one person can know what an ideal world looks like cause there really is no such thing. there are literally countless variables when it comes to implementing even small systems, countless ways to fuck it up, so i don't think i'd be choosing some grand ideal over the people i love anytime soon.

that being said, i think my idealist streak gets directed into something else most of the time. i'm very focused on understanding myself to a fault. i want to know why i do the things i do, why i believe certain things over others. when it comes to my beliefs about the world, they're strong but take it or leave it, but when it comes to myself they are not a good idea to push. i've ended relationships over not feeling like myself with them or feeling like i'm losing myself or they're pushing me to be someone i'm not. i make strong instant decisions about what the "right" thing to do is when it comes to how it impacts my perception of myself, especially with intimate relationships (i'm a lot less impulsive with things like friends and things i'm less personally involved in). i NEED to know who i am, way more than i care about any one specific person or thing. obviously i love people very deeply and would do just about anything to have both, but if i don't know who i am, if i'm not true to myself, then i have nothing. losing people happens.

the issue is, because i'm prone to doing that and not thinking as much about how it'll impact people, i've been called selfish a lot over my lifetime. recently i've started thinking more about how my actions impact people and their feelings, and i'm feeling a lot more torn. i want to do what i want to do, what i feel is best, but i feel immature for doing it a lot. i've started worrying a lot about being a bad person and hurting people, and i've been thinking about how the "right" way to be is. i went through a phase where i was repressing myself to make the "moral" choice, but i just felt so flat. ultimately i realized that it doesn't really matter how good i am if i have to repress myself to get there, cause then all it is is performance. tldr is i feel super guilty for making "selfish" choices rn, especially as i've gotten more aware of other peoples' feelings.

what i think is probably going on is that i'm an idealist primary with a badger model, but i'm not sure between lion and bird, and i'm still open to badger. pretty sure i'm not a snake.

the section on my secondary's gonna be a lot shorter, sorry this got so long! so i'm p sure i'm a badger secondary. considered lion and snake secondary too. whatever i am, i have a p loud lion model over it. i've always had a gift for making people trust me, for acting. i kinda blend in and become what i need to to both help them and get them off my back so i can do what i need to do. i have a serious passion for helping people with tough love (i like to think of myself as a p good advice giver, since i can both tell people what they need to hear and really get in their shoes and be kind where other people might not). i think i judge myself the least when i can kinda toe that line between pushing boundaries and stepping back-- i track where peoples' boundaries are constantly so i can push them to the limit without stepping over them. i'm very fluid when it comes to presentation in reality, even though i think people actually think of me as kinda controversial. i tend to see people who are ACTUALLY overstepping boundaries as lowkey selfish at times, even though i also really respect them. i like to do things the "right" way as long as i give a shit about them. the catch is, i don't want to blend into the background, and i don't think i do. a partner of mine called me a fox cause he noticed the way i constantly toe that line where i can get people to notice me and still keep them off my back, still make them comfortable. i'm also NOT a planner. people constantly give me shit for only ever feeling things out in the moment, and honestly thinking about the future freaks me out. i don't want to plan how i do shit i'd rather just get in the zone and figure it out from there. tldr i'm pretty sure i'm a badger secondary? but i could be convinced of snake. definitely see elements of both but my gut's telling me badger so take that how you will

anyway! thank you so much for taking the time to answer this, i know it's a lot.

also sorry one thing i forgot to add about my secondary! i think my lion model got so loud because when i do the shifty presentation thing, i have a tendency to lose myself and start perceiving myself as whatever i'm presenting. it's made it really hard to figure out who i actually am and so i started just being as clear about it as possible.

for my primary, i really care a lot about being right. i try to take every side into consideration to make sure i get the best conclusion. i can be super stubborn when it comes to certain things, but i don't want to just... hold to perceptions that are wrong. that being said it's important to me to trust my gut and i take it as a big input. i'm very felt out for most things, don't really have a strong system of how to be. i really wanna be able to trust myself but i just don't. i have a big habit of relying on other people to tell me what to think, which is uh. yeah.

Primary

You're a Bird primary with a Lion model, and you're trying on some Badger ideals. That's one of the easier Sorts I've done, lol! Possibly because your primary and models actually House match mine :p

Your reasoning process screams Bird xD and so does your writing style and just the length of the ask. Birds love self-analysis, it's part of how we make sure our systems stay as close to true as we can make them.

You've got some Lion too, but it's a model. It sounds like your Lion and your Bird have come into conflict before, and like most Birds with Lion models, it bugs the snot out of you when your Lion's intuition (which is important data!) doesn't line up with what your Bird knows.

You've prioritized Bird's conclusions before, but (as with many Birds) you don't entirely trust your own system and you're wondering if your Lion might have been right and you should give its reasoning more weight.

Also, you're consciously deciding that maybe Badgers' way of doing things is more moral than yours, and you're pulling in some of those ideals. That doesn't make you a Badger primary. Birds are notorious for this kind of thing actually 😂

The line between whether some ideals you've pulled into your Bird system vs. what counts as a model is fuzzy. It's up to you really, how important those pieces of Badger are to you.

For me, I think the line might be--is it wired into your sense of self on its own, or does it get filtered through your Bird and Lion? It really sounds like your Lion is a strong part of your sense of self: if you ignore its advice, you feel not totally like yourself. You don't have to feel all your models equally strongly, but thinking of it that way might help.

(It's also hard because Birds often feel like they kind of are their systems, or they are their ability to reason, that's a core part of their identity. ...It's complicated.)

Secondary

You sound really really Snakey. I'm not sure where you're getting Badger, actually!

Badgers are more than the mirroring ability. They also bury themselves in work or community, and it can sometimes look like they're neck deep in so many responsibilities that they couldn't possibly handle any more problems--and then they do have a problem, they do need something, and they stand up and all that stuff they were buried in turns out to be armor and tools.

Snakes, otoh, are improvisational and tend to be very aware of their surroundings. Unlike Badgers, the Snake brand of social shapeshifting involves a lot of keeping track of other people's reactions to what they're doing--trying something and then watching the response, then adjusting, rinse and repeat. You turn yourself into exactly the right person for this situation.

Badger mirroring is usually simpler. You reflect the other person's energy back at them: it's an empathetic response that says we're alike, I accept you, you're safe. A lot of Badgers do this without thinking--it can be hard to turn off.

Snakes also don't go in for prep work as much, it tends to trip them up (Snakes with Badger or Bird models notwithstanding). They're Improvisational secondaries, unlike Bird and Badger which are Built and rely heavily on some form of preparation.

The Lion model sounds legit, but just check for yourself: you might be learning to use Snake's neutral state. Snakes will sometimes drop all their layers of acting and maneuvering and suddenly they're just themselves. Different Snakes have different relationships with neutral state. For some Snakes, it's a relief to drop the mask; for others, it feels vulnerable and they only trust certain people with their full authenticity.

It does sound like you really admire Lion secondaries, though, so you might indeed have a model there! This is just something else you could check on.

Hope that helps!

- Paint

#first post in a while huh folks #gotta remember how to tag... #ravenclaw primary #gryffindor primary model #slytherin secondary #gryffindor secondary model #asks #paint speaks #sortinghatchats

[concubuck]

Actually curious (sorry if this has already been answered) what inspired you to make a succubus alastor?

Several things!

Reason number one: I am ace/aro! Alastor is the first ace character I latched onto as a character I could see a facet of myself in (while prior ace characters, who kinda disinterested me, just sorta made me go "oh that's neat I guess"), and because of that, I like playing around with his sexuality and exploring his psychology in different ways in different fanworks.

Sometimes that means "I'll write him as asexual/aromantic in exactly the same way as me." Sometimes it means "I'll write him as a sex-neutral ace having sex for the first time and being really bored by the whole thing bc that makes a lot more sense to me than all the 'naive virgin Alastor introduced to the wonders of sex' stories I see." Sometimes it means "I'll write him hypnotized to temporarily feel allo and focus on what's going on in his head as he slides in and out of hypnosis bc I think it would be interesting to feel allo for a day as long as I could turn it off."

And then sometimes it means going "My orientation affects not only my internal identity, but also my life goals and interests, how I approach my relationships with other people, and how I understand the culture around me. If I suddenly magically became allo, I'd feel like a fundamental part of my personality had been ripped off of me. So I'm going to inflict that on my favorite character."

I've seen a fair amount of Alastor shipping fanworks that attempt to make him demi-ace or demi-aro by, like, treating him like a Disney princess: he lives a pure, chaste existence untroubled by thoughts of romance (except perhaps for longing that he could experience it too) until his One True Love comes into the picture, at which point he naturally slides into very allo attraction for that one person, and the fact that that's the first person special enough to win his heart is treated as something romantic. And like, if people wanna do that, okay, that's their business, fandom is for wish fulfillment, I'm not gonna stomp on their fun. But it rings hollow to me. I've seen enough media that portrays the inability to love (sexually or romantically) as unnatural and a horror; I want to take a character for whom lovelessness is natural and portray forcing desire on him as the horror story.

There's a reason I wrote that he loses his asexuality* at the same time that he loses his humanity. I wanted to make them equivalent to each other.

(*although he hasn't technically lost his asexuality. Really, he still does meet the definition of ace—you may notice that he never expresses actual attraction to other characters, with the possible dubious exception of other versions of himself—but "ace cursed to feel incurable horny until he fucks" is far enough from where he started that he no longer sees himself as ace.)

Reason number two: I stumbled across some demonology lore somewhere idk when, over a year ago, saying that some texts on demonology claim that particularly impressive sinners might get promoted out of the general population of sinners to join the devils responsible for inflicting the punishments on sinners.

I've yet to track down the source of that particular nugget, although you can see evidence of it in Christian lore; for instance, King Minos of Greek mythology decides where souls go in Hades after death, and he's imported into Christian mythology with the same role in Dante's Inferno—which makes him a dead human who's been given judicial power and an important governing role in Hell.

Plus you've got Lilith—who usually I try not to dig too deep into, since there's like, basically no way to stick Lilith into Christian lore without it simply being straight up appropriation of a Jewish figure—but the fact remains that she HAS been put into Hazbin, and if they do ANY exploration of her backstory at all, the odds are better than not that they're going to stick with the "human who became a demon" backstory rather than making her an OC who just so happens to be named Lilith, which means her existence indicates there's a precedent within the Hazbin universe for former humans to be promoted out of their humanity.

I headcanon that one of Alastor's primary motivations is to become extremely powerful, but not as a way to control others; rather, as a way to free himself from anybody else's control. He's not unfettered as long as he's still an eternally convicted criminal stuck in a giant prison where an execution squad swoops in once a year to kill a random swath of the population. "Become a full demon and be freed from the sinners' imprisonment" would appeal to him, particularly since we know that the magical potential of humans caps out well below the potential of high-ranked demons.

Succubus seemed like a sensible position for where ex-humans would have to start out in Hell's hierarchy: it's low but not rock bottom on the social ladder, they physically resemble humans more than any other group of demons we've seen, and they're the only group of demons we've seen entrusted with jobs on Earth that involve socialization with humans. Myths about demons even claim they're reproductively compatible with humans (albeit via sometimes convoluted methods). So I decided that's where ex-humans have to start.

Reason number three: my asexuality manifests as "I don't wanna have sex, people don't attract me, even imagining myself in sexual scenarios grosses me out; but I dolike imagining imaginary people having imaginary sex." I wanted to manufacture a reason why it would be IC for Alastor to act OOC enough to have a lot of sex, but in a way that would still let me focus on plot development and characterization and angst because pure substanceless smut without an undercurrent of Character Study bores me after the first, like, two replies.

(And yet, for all that, thus far none of my actual kinks have made a full appearance on this blog. Unless you count the fact that Alastor's miserable. I'm pretty sure "giving my favorite characters a miserable time" counts as one of my kinks lmfao.)

#anonymous #ask #meme #ooc

[nkhrchuwuya]

✨CONGRATS ON 500+ FOLLOWERS!! :D

I’ll get straight to it, i refer to myself as she/her. I’m an Aquarius sun, Scorpio Moon and Aquarius rising. I am also an INTP. I love cats. A lot, if i could(which i may in the future) i wish to own a cat sanctuary. Generally I’m very quiet. Not shy, just quiet. I don’t care to talk unless i have to. But once someone does get me to start talking, then i don’t shut up idk. I enjoy writing a lot i often try to write in my free time and i also enjoy reading quite a bit too. I will have to say i am quite a funny person as well. My humor is VERY dry and dark. I generally hate drinking but if i do drink it’s only wine or some bubbly champagne(only socially too) idk if this is important but i am a barista so i do enjoy a good cup of coffee, a cappuccino or cortado are my go-to. I do quite enjoy going on adventures/vacations a lot, something out of the norm and spontaneous. I can also be quite oblivious and often get myself stuck in situations that idk how to get out of whether it’s talking to people or being used for granted at work. Also I’m terrible, terrible with any confrontations or arguments. I guess relationship wise i show affection through acts of service or gifts mostly. I rarely show any physical affections and i HATE pda.

Thank you so much and congrats again!! ❤️❤️

thank you so much anon!

i hope you enjoy your chuuya headcanons !!

he's a dog person, yes, and cats kind of freak him out, but once you tell him about your desired cat sanctuary he's on all fours trying to make it happen for you. he figures it's not only going to be a great contribution to the city, but also a personal space for you to hide away in, and he knows you will appreciate it.

you might get a little annoyed at chuuya for this but he will insist that everything is a social drink. even if you two are alone. he'll understand if you don't want it but he will always offer you some wine or champagne if there is. a part of it is about the bonding; a part of it is about him wanting you to loosen up a little bit.

the first time you made him coffee he nearly died because of how good it is. and by that i mean it was so good that he went for a second sip and nearly burned his entire gastrointestinal track with how quickly he took a drink. please promise to make him as much coffee as he wants so that he doesn't try slurping a freshly brewed one like it'll be his last.

chuuya isn't emotionally stupid, but he's kind of dense sometimes. he does, however, get the feeling that there are, in you, some very deep emotions that he won't be able to understand all the time. he doesn't expect you to open up about them, but he definitely prepares himself mentally in the case you do decide to tell him what's on your mind that deeply.

for now, though, he'd rather you let out all the bad feelings by taking you out on vacations. he knows a lot of spots around the country and if you ever get tired of that it's not impossible to travel to other continents as well. he's always looking for something that might appease your sense of adventure and is offering it to you.

he is confrontational and protective of you even if you were the one who got yourself into that mess with your nonconfrontational nature. he will definitely step up on the plate for you, and take any blows that you would have had to take. he will not stop until he's changed the situation for you. you'll need to take care of him afterward, but he'll always think it is worth it.

doesn't realize how much he appreciates acts of service until you've come into his life. it's the little things, really- taking his coat off when he's come home from work, having the bath filled and ready when you're also at home and he's returning, breakfast in the morning... whenever you can help him with little things he usually has trouble with, he feels a swelling of love.

i'm not gonna lie, chuuya's kind of sad about the no pda rule, but he will respect your decision. maybe with a compromise- can you at least hold hands?

i feel like there's going to be a push and pull between you and chuuya for as long as you will be together. it's not a bad push and pull, but there's always a sense of something being taken and something being given. if you can balance that, you two will get along swell!

#anonymous #chuuya's special someone event #nakahara chuuya #bungou stray dogs #chuuya x reader #bsd chuuya x reader #chuuya x you #bungou stray dogs imagines #bsd imagines #bsd x reader

[luminous-studiess]

Ummm so I'm new to tumblr so don't judge if I did something wrong.Ummm how can I be like you? Like you know? Productive and smart.I always push myself but ended up being distracted by things (I have adhd and depression).I can't even remember anything after.I suffer,and continue suffering, from my mental illnesses.I just can't keep myself on track.My family makes fun of me for trying.I'm actually trying to find a part time job here but nothing hires minors.Idk please help meee.

hi, friend! answer under the cut because this will be long. 

please know you’re doing nothing wrong, and that the fact you keep trying to become better and to push yourself to always get things done despite difficult circumstances already shows that you ARE already productive and smart. 

second, it also helped me when i was struggling very heavily last year to learn  two things: 1) there will always be particularly bad days when you live with mental illness, but all the little efforts you take, it slowly does get less difficult. getting better does not mean completely getting rid of all the symptoms you experience, but mostly just learning the best ways and small, gentle things you can do for yourself to manage your condition. this really requires a gentle but firm balance between pushing yourself to do the things you absolutely need to do, but also knowing when what level of work/school/self-care or hobbies is the limit, so that you don’t get too overwhelmed.  this means most of the time, you don’t have to worry about being productive for its own sake. it helps me when i feel like i’m drowning to know how little i can do/the most non-negotiable bare minimum, that still helps me not to fall behind.

^ this is a small, cheap pad of sticky notes i carry with me throughout my entire day. it’s only big enough so that i can only write a few school tasks/personal things i need to do/chores, which helps me evaluate what exactly i can only get done, especially on days where i don’t feel well. checking off absolutely everything on my tiny list makes me feel like i’ve accomplished a lot, because i i have-- they aren’t necessarily a lot of tasks, but they’re the ones that i know really do need to get done. it also helps me focus when i have a lot of nervous energy, and have a panicked sense of “so many things need to get done!!!?” because i can give myself a bit of time to sit down, maybe turn on an episode of a show i like or make some coffee, and write down my tasks. it really helps me with the faint, tiny guilt and dread i used to feel day by day that i was being unproductive or lazy, because now i know i’ve fulfilled all my obligations to myself (everything from doing laundry, to making dinner) and to other people (schoolwork and other tasks). it’s okay to move at the pace that’s only possible for you right now. it’s better to feel comfortable with the smallest things you can do, and build on that as the days come. 2) getting distracted is normal, given Everything Happening Right Now, plus with a mental health condition that makes it hard to focus. it can also be hard to remember things when i study, because of my own health conditions, but i’ve found that the following things have helped: regarding distraction - use a small system that keeps you from accessing any distractions when you need to get something done. i try to leave my non-essential device in another room, and set up a timer-based blocker, to limit the websites i access. - i try to acknowledge the distractions as they come, and try to figure out why: am i hungry? am i tired? have i gotten enough sleep? do i need a break? if it isn’t anything serious, i just acknowledge that i’ve gone briefly off-track-- without guilt, without judgment. then i try to turn my mind back to the task at hand. - a good ambient playlist can make me feel more focused during hard tasks in the sense that i have some form of stimulation to keep the “itchiness” at bay. video game soundtracks and film soundtracks are also wonderful for long, tricky tasks.  - sometimes i just have to start to feel motivated-- the focus actually comes in in the middle of the task. the fact of starting something may actually make you feel motivated.

- procrastinate productively: sometimes when i really don’t want to study i turn on a movie or a show and use the time to clean my room or fold laundry. my life still feels put-together, and i enjoyed myself! win-win.

- and sometimes i realize that focus may be impossible at the moment: take a break, go for a run, do something you like, take a nap.  regarding learning and remembering things i used to have the worst time recalling things for school, until i prioritized two things: SLEEP, and not cramming. i used to get extremely poor grades in my first year of law school because i would put off studying at the last and latest moment-- a few days before exams, pulling all-nighters right up until the hour the exam started. i would also just use my free time to scroll on social media, instead of taking a nap or going to bed early. this was absolutely wrong. during the exam, i couldn’t recall anything because i was too tired, too frazzled, probably didn’t have breakfast, and because i had started and finished half a semester of reading in one night. my grades have gotten much better lately-- i’d like to think it’s because i’ve centered it around two things: (a) getting enough sleep every single night (helpful ESPECIALLY if you have health problems-- mental or physical), and (b) making exam day the least stressful it can be. how do i do this? - this means not only learning things for the exam, but also for classes on a daily period. you don’t have to study particularly hard, but you just have to study enough that you can understand what the professor is saying in class. set definite study hours every day, stop at a very specific and reasonable hour, and go to bed. try to get at least 6 hours of sleep. sleep helps me absorb everything better (idk science but this is from experience and also some very smart people i know ALSO prioritize getting sleep). wake up at a reasonable hour.  - how to study: read the syllabus, and try to get a decent overview of all the topics you need to cover before you start testing/making flashcards/doing active recall (which is IMPORTANT bc this helps you actually train your brain to retrieve information). imho as someone low-energy i find that rewriting notes/making reviewers/making flashcards makes me very tired and leaves very little time for actual studying, so it just helps to test myself by looking at the syllabus and trying to explain the concept to myself, then peeking at the textbook or materials to see what i’m missing. mind-maps are also energy-efficient ways of figuring out how concepts fit together. - how to study for exams: the very latest you should start is a week ahead. two weeks ahead is ideal. map out how much information you need to re-learn from the syllabus. move slowly with the aim of finishing the coverage by the first week. the second is for reviewing and RESTING. - THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAM: do a final, gentle survey over the topics you may not understand. stop at 10 pm. go to sleep.  - EXAM DAY: you’ve done the work. take the time to eat breakfast, test yourself SLOWLY AND GENTLY (avoid reading huge chunks of textbook at this point-- youll only confuse yourself), and set up your workspace to take the exam. crush said exam. as a final note: it can be hard to get things done when the people closest to you aren’t supportive. try to reach out on studyblr and find discord study with me servers, or study communities on reddit (they’re actually really nice), or with students in your class. if you need to talk, just dm me. you can do this friend, okay? take care always. gentler days will come. 

#mental health support #mental health tips #student mental health #uni tips #college tips #study tips #how to study with a mental illness 2.0 i think??? #studyblr #asks

[alwaysalreadyangry]

Charlotte, I've wanted to get into poetry for a while but haven't really known where or how to start, mostly because I have this kind of maybe weird tendency to rush through poems like I'm gulping down water. Curious how one actually like, reads and enjoys a poem; would love to hear your thoughts on reading and reception. Also I'm looking for lush, angry, queer, weird poems filled with longing, and would love to hear any suggestions or recs you might have!

ooh this has been really interesting to think about!! have been rolling it around in my brain for a while.

so, first off, a disclaimer: i don’t necessarily think i am a great or even a very good reader of poetry a lot of the time, and that’s fine -- if it’s worth doing it’s worth doing badly, etc. i am easily distracted and i tire out quickly and my magpie brain will focus on like, the language of a poem to the detraction of all else, and unless i’m being paid to write about a book or a poem or something then i don’t think reading in a way that feels wrong or inadequate is a problem on its own. sometimes i just enjoy quickly skimming for the language, and that’s good, that’s fine.

BUT for wanting to read to get more pleasure from poetry: i tend to say to read it like this the first time if that comes naturally to you, as it often does to me. skim, read it through without paying attention to the narrative or syntactical structure, but instead just looking for anything that makes your brain sparkle -- for me it’s going to usually be imagery and/or sound-patterning. see if there’s anything that makes you curious enough to dig in, any lines or sentiments that you like on their own. the surface-level or immediate pleasures with poetry are great and often what makes it worth digging down into the other stuff.

then, if you want to dig into a poem, it’s time to re-read! this time i’d recommend reading with closer attention to the most straightforward level of narrative or meaning: what is the poem most obviously saying? i am not someone who subvocalises, and sometimes my instinctively fast reading speed makes it hard for me to actually do this if the poem is at all playing around with language. in that case, it helps to read out loud, and to only move on from one sentence or stanza (or whatever unit of meaning the poem is using) once i have figured out what it means on a semantic level. depending on the length of the poem, once you’ve figured out as much of it as you can or care to, i’d recommend another quick read through to try and consolidate all of that in your mind.

then -- well, then you’ve kind of got the basics and the stuff that you’re interested in, and it can be fun to look back at the bits you liked in the first place to see what they mean to the rest of the poem, what they mean in terms of what the poem is saying. it could be that a rhyme or a repeated use of assonance emphasises something... you might find that two words are being linked by internal rhyme that don’t seem to have much to say to one another otherwise. is there any meaning there, in that connection? does it change what the poem says? how does the poem and what it does make you feel?

and depending on the poem you then want to just read again looking for anything else significant. is there a part of the poem you dislike? if you reread looking out for that, can you work out what’s going on there and why you dislike that aspect of it?

this will only work with certain types of poem, admittedly. i like a lot of poetry that is more innovative and abstract, where i have no clue what a poem is saying or doing, but i like the language and the feeling of the syntax inside my brain. so i’ll reread those a few times but don’t really have a semantic framework to get into them. it’s more about the language.

and then there’s visual poetry which doesn’t make use of words but of like -- shapes or the relation of shapes to space, and then it’s just about, idk. how i decide to try and “read” those relations and shapes, which i have no real roadmap for. i often just find myself staring at it like i would visual art, or trying to somehow reenact the shapes with my body as i “read” (like when i read a visual poem earlier today that is just a sequence of bells ringing in different directions -- to keep track of it i followed the bell’s movement with my head, tilting it right and then left).

does that make sense? i truly think that we don’t need to understand poetry to enjoy it; that there’s no right way to read or enjoy poetry, and that if we find we’re reading a poem that doesn’t interest us or make us happy, you can just stop. although if a poem makes a reader uncomfortable it can be a good idea to follow this kind of reading pattern to try and work out why! i hope this makes sense -- i’m afraid my answer is essentially just “reread the poems a lot”, but it’s good to go in knowing what to pay attention to each time, even if it’s just “this time i pay attention to what i like” and “this time i pay attention to what i dislike”. my brain needs structure like that because otherwise it is too flighty and sticky and will just roll around one phrase it likes in there for hours.

in terms of poetry recommendations, this is oddly tricky because there’s such an unexpected gulf between UK and US poetry -- i read more UK poetry and while there’s been a big explosion in the amount of interesting & vital queer poetry being published here over the past decade or so, a lot of it is relatively hard to get hold of unless you’re constantly keeping track of all of the new presses publishing pamphlets. so this is going to swing more US-focused but i will see if there’s any UK stuff i can think of too.

so first off, a cheat: i would recommend getting hold of these two big anthologies of trans poetry and having a look through to see if any of the writers grab your attention. hopefully academic libraries will have these or will get them on request? i say, hopefully. there is we want it all: an anthology of radical trans poetics, which came out recently (and i don’t have a copy yet). and then there’s troubling the line: trans and genderqueer poetry and poetics, from 2013. not as politically radical i’m guessing, but still could be worth looking through to see which writers you connect with.

i am drawing a blank on other anthologies right now, but in terms of exploring UK poetry, you can access issues of the zine zarf online here and i recommend it. not all queer but the editor is and there’s a great collection of stuff in there. i also recommend getting hold of their pamphlets as PDFs here, try alison rumfitt and gloria dawson.

second off, these are some poets i think you might like, i will link to some sample poems. mostly contemporary but not all:

dawn lundy martin

CAConrad

jackie wang

robert duncan

jack spicer (PDF)

jay bernard

miriam bird greenberg

sofia samatar

samuel the nagid

vahni capildeo

sophie robinson

frank o’hara

agha shahid ali

i am sure there are many many others i am forgetting but! i hope this is helpful!!!

#answers #poetry