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billwidoll · 1 day

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Why do you only call me when you're high?

It was a party night at Rafe's house, it was always a party at Rafe's house. He always had fun and drank to his heart's content, but when he woke up he was sorry for always hesitating with you. But he always did the same thing So you always forgave him when necessary

Rafe always loved you, that was a fact. But he had a problem with alcohol and drugs, so that always hampered your relationship. But this time you promised not to forgive any other The nonsense that Rafe did, it was time for him to be sure that he would lose you somehow.

"Rafe! Your girlfriend is here, at the party" Topper speaks loudly in Rafe's ear, because of the sound

"what? My baby is here! Where is she?" Rafe talks completely stoned

"no Rafe! You can't show up like that...she'll want to break up with you" Topper advises his friend, but Rafe wouldn't listen

"she loves me, okay? She would never abandon me" Rafe says in an almost serious tone after he really thought you would always give in to his love

Even though he knew about his existence at the party, Rafe continued drinking and smoking a lot and talking to girls who were interested in him. What Rafe was really waiting for was to see you even if that It was hard to believe

You were confused looking for your boyfriend until you saw him talking to a generic blonde

"Oh my God! Rafe? My boyfriend? Who I haven't seen in two days?" You speak sarcastically and disrupt Rafe and the blonde's conversation

"My beautiful princess, I was talking about you" Rafe says completely drunk and kissing you with hot drink breath

"Rafe! Don't you dare touch me! Where were you these last two days? Why didn't you answer the messages?"

You speak, drawing the attention of several people and Rafe ends up grabbing your arm, not so Strong and taking you to a more private place

"I already told you not to touch me!!" You say getting rid of him when you finally arrived at a calmer place

"I think you better not start your tantrum" Rafe says rolling his eyes at you

"tantrum? Rafe...I just want to ask you something" you say in an almost whisper and tired of putting up with all of this

"you can talk, but if you want to give your lecture..." Rafe was talking but you interrupt him

"you love me?" You ask looking deeply into Rafe's eyes.

"but what question is that? And of course I love you!" Rafe says smiling at the end and hugging you

"So if you love me, give up the drugs, the drinks and the parties and let's live a happy life!"

You say, still hugging him, but with every word you said, Rafe let go of you, it seemed like he didn't like your proposal.

"what? You want me to change my ways because of you? I'm sorry if I'm not prince charming"

Rafe speaks out and you raise your eyebrows, not believing what you were hearing.

"I don't want you to be a prince charming! I want you to be a boyfriend!" You speak shouting with tears in your eyes

"I'm sorry, princess! But that's how I am! And I'm not going to change my ways because of you"

Rafe says, shouting in your face, making you cry even more

"so what about this? Do you really want me to abandon you?" You say drying your tears

"we both know that won't happen" Rafe says in disbelief that you could abandon him

"okay...let's see" you say decide to never forgive Rafe again or at least get back with him, you would start a new life without him

Seven years later:

After several years later, Rafe Cameron's life became hell. He drank day and night, worked with a sullen face and had no friends left, they were all married and had children already Rafe He only had a bottle of whiskey in his hands. Rafe wanted to die, he wanted it so bad, but he needed to at least apologize to you seven years later

It was difficult, but Rafe managed to find the house where you lived and he was so happy but so sad and emotional at the same time, he needed to tell you so many things, he needed to see how you were, He needed to apologize to you

And so it was, Rafe found the beach house where you lived temporarily, after it was summer and it was also in Rafe's city so he had the opportunity

When Rafe got there, he saw that the house was flowery and very cheerful, whereas his house was gray and dark. Rafe was scared, he wanted so badly to let go of that fear But it was difficult. But even so, he would knock on your door and declare himself

Rafe approached his door and rang the doorbell, his hands shaking.

It took about 1 minute for you to open the door and when it opened. Rafe found himself with a child in his arms and you were hissing in confusion.

"I'm sorry...but can I help you?" You ask in the voice of an angel, when Rafe heard that voice he heard his heart beat again

"I guess...I only called you when I was high, didn't I?" Rafe says this humorless joke, but it made you remember perfectly who it was in front of you

"oh my god Rafe!" You say, hugging him even though you have the baby on your lap "come in, please" you say, making room at the door for him to enter

When Rafe walked in, he realized that the beach house was so beautiful and family-friendly, it would make him so happy

"It's beautiful here..." Rafe says, totally mesmerized by the place

"and...what do you think an architect's house would be like?" You say putting the baby in the crib and make Rafe surprised by your profession

"Did you become an architect?" Rafe asks, completely shocked by the information.

"yes! I learned about it at college and I'm still working in this field today" you say, sitting in a chair and giving Rafe a friendly smile

"and who is that cute little thing?" Rafe says referring to the drink you were holding

"that's my son Jonathan, he just turned 2" you say smiling, proud to remember that you had an adorable son

That was a knife in the gut for Rafe, he knew things would change, but it hurt. He just wanted to go back in time and fix everything

"he's beautiful" Rafe says this in almost a whisper, he was trying not to break down there

"But what about you Rafe? How's the biggest playboy on the Outer Banks doing?" You ask with a smile and a light chuckle from Rafe.

"I'm fine...I'm fine...I couldn't learn more about college, but I ended up becoming president of my father's company"

Rafe speaks without being proud of himself, he spoke quietly and with his head down. And you realized that so you decided to talk about someone else's life

"and Topper? I never saw him again" you say trying to change the tone of the conversation

"he... is in Canada, he got married and had twins..." Rafe speaks in a sad tone disguised as joy

"Do you still have contact with him?" You ask innocently and it hurts Rafe so much

"no...he abandoned me...because of drinking" Rafe says with tears in his eyes seeing that situation you approach him and hug him

"Rafe, what's going on?" You say still hugging him

"I just wish I could do everything differently! I just wish I would have listened to you and Topper!"

Rafe explodes with emotion and cries even more in your arms.

"Hey, calm down, okay?" You say trying to calm down, but it was difficult

"you don't understand...I'm a failure in my life and a failure!" Rafe finally speaks, looking into your eyes

"no! Rafe! Look at me, you're rich, beautiful, you have a splendid family"

You say, taking his face and gently running your hand over it.

"but I'm not happy!" Rafe shouts and you feel so bad for him in that moment, maybe... maybe you shouldn't have given up on him seven years ago

"And what do you want me to do Rafe?! If you're like this, it's not my fault" you shout crying back

"No! It's not your fault! That's my fault! I knew how to love..." Rafe shouts back and the only thing you think at that moment is kiss him, like you kissed him before

And that's what you did, you kissed him intensely, The kiss had fear, disgust, anger, surprise, happiness and sadness. But in the end there was peace...the connection between you and Rafe brought each other peace

"I love you, Rafe...But our story ended at that party"

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drdemonprince · 2 days

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woof. your recent posts really resonate with me especially now that im making more gay and trans friends, im meeting so many cool nonmonogamous trans people that seem to have casual sex with basically all their nonmonogamous trans friends and like. its almost giving me a complex where if i think someone is cool and want to be friends with them, even if im not attracted to them, i have a perception that the only way to befriend them is to pursue them sexually. or that if they dont wanna fuck me when they fuck all their other trans friends that means there's something wrong with me (again even if i don't particularly want to fuck them!)... i love being trans and poly, and i love having more trans and poly people in my life, but sometimes i think about this one reddit comment where a dude said he noticed his gay friend had way more fun at straight bars than gay bars bc at straight bars he wasn't worrying about his appearance/body image/validation/sexual prospects

yeah honestly i get this so much and it's a very dismaying swirl of emotions to have. i don't like fucking friends. at all. it actively makes me feel unsafe and like i'm only useful to someone insofar as i'm satisfying a desire for them. it makes me feel more disposable. plus im insanely jealous if i have an actual emotional connection with someone i'm fucking so i wouldn't do well in a whole poly queer mish mosh of dear devoted friends who also sometimes bang. i would be plotting the downfall of the people i was most primed to view as a threat and sowing discord between people and shit. not good.

i also think it is a little fucking concerning when people only date/have sex as their sole way to make friends, and are only friends with people they want to fuck. this tends to create a very homogenous friend group that is heavily restricted based on desirability politics. it's also just really objectifying and unsustainable.

now i must say!! this is very much in the minority of poly people -- poly people are generally fucking AMAZING at being friends because even as just their buddy they treat hanging out with the same degree of intention and care as they would going on a date. they can hang! they want to go out and do things! they're more practiced in building a new intimacy of *any* kind than most monogamous people are.

it's just that there are some weird culty up their own ass bad boundaried polycules out there, in the same way there are abusive, codependent, jealous, miserable fucking monog couples.

but even tho most queer and poly people are more ascended than that, yeah, there is a weird unsettling constant self-evaluation that can happen in spaces where fucking almost anybody is theoretically on the table. some of that is a problem in how people treat one another, and some of that is just insecurity in between your own ears.

i get it fully. im hyper conscious of myself and how i imagine im being perceived and how people are seeing me when im out in queer spaces. and most of it is me being fully insane and making myself miserable based on nothing. because literally who cares who is attracted to me in that space and who isn't??? what matters is what i want in that moment, and my behavior, which i have control over. i should be able to just float around smiling at people and dancing and chit chatting and if someone is feeling my energy and we can talk, great, if they try to make it sexual when i dont want it to, i can just walk away. like it fully does not need to be that deep.

but it's a hard internal hurdle to overcome and every time someone hits on you, ignores you, misreads your identity, etc it can be used by your mind as fodder for The Narratives and The Insecurities and make things worse and it really has to be an intentional practice to not do that to yourself.

if you can bounce along carelessly in the straight club because you're not worrying about how people see you, you can bounce along carelessly in the queer club and not worry about how people see you. literally treat queer people the same way you'd treat straight people who seem perfectly fine but are not your problem and not a focus for you. you can stop trying to mind read the intentions of every queer person and stop sizing yourself up in their eyes and not worrying about who is fucking who and who is in love with who and who is secretly jealous but pretending not to be. and just. hang out. and feel things out. and exist in your own body and pay attention to what interests you and what you are experiencing rather than how they are experiencing you.

i say this as a reminder to myself!!

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tetrakys · 2 days

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As a close friend of Chinomiko, how does your conversations go when it’s about mcl new gen, I’m pretty curious 🤭🤭 Because she probably can’t you stuff, so when you talk about your theories about each episode, she just sits and listens? heheh I wouldn’t be able to be her friend, I would probably beg her to spoil me!!

Ahah funny you say that because it's kinda the opposite, she knows I don't want to be spoiled in any way when it comes to plot or illustrations so no I don't discuss theories with her at all, that's what the fandom is for. We have often worked side by side on our own things and I'm not even tempted to snoop, I want to enjoy the games.

Of course it would be disingenuous to say that we don't talk about the games at all. We chat a lot about the characters, their personalities, not only New Gen but all her characters and OCs (her elf thief Thael? You'll see, he's going to be my Lance 2.0 😭💕😭💕). We also read the same books and talk about romance in general, tropes, things that people like and don't like. I do bring a player perspective when we chat about possible themes, and of course not everyone has my tastes and I absolutely don't act as if I'm representing the whole fandom, but I've been playing for so long that I can give suggestions on things I know the majority of players would hate or like.

For example, people were super scared that one of the LIs could possibly cheat at some point in the game, and I know for sure this is never going to happen because we've talked about this kind of things a lot. She miiiight create drama and make the MC and players think this is happening, just because she likes to torture her characters (and us all), but it won't actually happen. So, I guess in a sense I do have a different perspective on things, just because I know her and her tastes and opinions.

About New Gen, I honestly know nothing about what's going to happen, other than the fact that we will have more personal interactions with Jason starting the next episode, and that the story in general is kinda light hearted, there isn't going to be any real drama or deep plot. We should see it more as a sitcom than a drama, if we compared it to a tv show. And that's pretty much it 🤔 I'm trying hard to think if there's anything else I know that you guys may not know by this point but I can't think of anything. I do know she's many episodes ahead, but this isn't a secret, it was said many times even when working on other games, that the Bees are always at least one year ahead of us, so everything we see was planned a while ago, they can't really incorporate current feedback.

Would you really ask to be spoiled anon? I know it's tempting but I want to be surprised while playing the game 😌 I need to slowly fall in love 💕

#also I don't ask but I do harass #cute harassment of course... about more hot Jason scenes 🤭🤭#mcl #my candy love #mcl new gen

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prettyboysdontlookatexplosions · 3 days

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medialog may 2k24

not me being on time...

watched

the pilot of star trek: deep space nine - i normally would not list a single episode of television here but (1) it's almost two fucking hours long and (2) i watched this in some ways as one might watch a movie, i.e. at a friend's behalf without any expectation of continuing. i'm not sure that i will continue because as we all know i'm not the biggest fan of space, but i will say that my friend had been on me for ages about this and i truly could not imagine what he thought the appeal might be and then it turned out to be literally about colonialism and trauma so i was like.... okay..... points were made......

i saw the TV glow - on letterboxd i called this "beautiful, aching, strange," which i think sums it up. the visual look of this movie has really stayed with me, as have certain scenes (the neck-drawing scene - one of the most intimate, tender, & vulnerable moments i've ever seen in a movie), as has the way that i didn't really know how to watch it or what it was doing until the very end, which made it sort of curious in the moment but felt right in the end because it's about people who don't know what story they're in (made me think a little, weirdly, of the green knight, which i had a similar experience with). i also just appreciated its loving fidelity, even as that affection is complicated by the text itself, for the aesthetics of the first nickelodeon generation, and the fact that one of the things it's about is the idea of being life-changingly obsessed with something that's objectively kind of stupid.

challengers - "is this movie good" wrong question. right question is "does this movie fuck" and the answer is ABSOLUTELY. i'm gonna say something very controversial which is the more i think about it the more i think the movie was correct to include no real actual sex scenes and that in this specific case i truly believe if there was more fucking it would be less horny. last moment maybe the most purely elation-producing thing i have seen in a movie all year.

thief - i continue to be so glad to have been gently michael mann pilled by @power-chords; he is such an incredibly reliable filmmaker for making movies that are incredibly entertaining and well-made scene-to-scene but always manage to be so much meatier and more interesting in their writing & execution than the plot summary might lead you to assume. like, every time i watch one of his movies about white guys doing crimes, something people make a zillion movies about each year, i'm like, how come they don't all just do it like this guy? this one doesn't quite have the kick-it-to-eleven-something-extra to land it in top-tier mann territory for me personally, but it's still great, with a killer lead performance. it really brought home for me how much his movies are driven by a firm belief in the fact that people have personal philosophies that matter to them in a real way, and that one thing that makes him interesting and distinct is his insistence (here as in heat & blackhat) that that applies not just equally but possibly more so to people who have been incarcerated, and in fact his insistence on viewing incarceration itself as a situation which forces people to develop and articulate their personal philosophies as a matter of psychological survival (while obviously influencing what that philosophy is).

trouble in paradise - my letterboxd review of this was "siri play cowboy like me" and i stand by that: girl and boy meet cute in a classic scammer4scammer relationship, things get complicated on a later trick but ultimately they'll be loyal to each other and no one else until the end. i liked that but lubitsch is also a filmmaker who has turned out a bunch of kick-it-to-eleven movies that really wowed me and this felt a little light compared to the deranged battle-of-the-sexes fantasia bluebeard's eighth wife, the unbelievably dark and unbelievably funny WWII farce to be or not to be, or the OG MMF threesome celebration design for living. this one is just a very nice time, although i do need to stress that if it had been my first lubitsch i probably would have been more impressed, and the highs against which i am measuring it are EXTREMELY high

the bourne identity - did you know that brian cox and julia stiles are both in this movie? think about that for a minute. anyway this is decently fun

the bourne supremacy - kicks like 200% more ass than the first one, much more concerned with delivering awesome set pieces happening as frequently as possible. crazy to watch the shaky-cam action scenes in this after 7 million incoherent shitty shaky-cam action scenes and really savor the fact that even though it FEELS out of control and wild, actually you can tell what is going on with perfect clarity the entire time!

perfect blue - this is like the most incredible movie i have seen in my entire life holy shit????? just an incredible exploration of celebrity, identity, projection, parasocial relationships, the viciousness and dehumanization women in the public eye experience within the entertainment industry and without, often from people who identify as their biggest fans... also one of the only movies (seriously it's like... this and eighth grade? what else is there?) to make meaningful use of the affective/psychological/metaphorical dimension of the internet (in a way that makes clear that with the internet it's hard to suss those three apart), despite the fact that it came out in 1997 and features a scene of someone explaining to the protagonist how to go online. like it came out THAT early and ALSO: features a scene where our constantly dissociating heroine whose grasp on reality is dissolving reads a blog an obsessive stalker has been writing in her voice and uses it to identify what she did that day... like satoshi kon (RIP) your mind... this is also probably the animated movie i've seen that makes the most interesting use of the fact that "real" and "fake" can plausibly look identical in animation. it's a dark and viscerally disturbing watch with some deeply cynical observations and yet ultimately feels very humane and not wholly depressing... it's a miracle to me this movie exists i really can't believe how good it was. everything i've ever wanted happening at once.

furiosa: a mad max saga - i'm so glad chris hemsworth got to be australian in a movie that rocked... darker and slower than fury road, both by design, but i really liked its heaviness, offset (and this is like fury road) by a core humanity that feels like a real commitment. but also it is filled with many scenes that whip unholy amounts of ass.

ball of fire - THIS MOVIE WAS SO FUCKING GOOD I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay this is a screwball romcom from 1941 and the premise is: "stuffy but sweet grammarian currently serving as the only hot member of an eight-person team of encyclopedists realizes after a chance encounter with a loquacious garbageman seeking trivia help that his entry on slang is hopelessly outdated and ventures out of project headquarters to learn the language of the people on the streets, where he also finds a nightclub singer with a smart mouth who unbeknownst to him is a gangster's moll tangled in a web of her own." IS THAT NOT THE BEST IDEA FOR A MOVIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE???? everything about this movie is SO delightful. gary cooper is so funny and so cute and sweet blushing his way through a belated sexual awakening, barbara stanwyck is charismatic and sharp winning over both him and the seven old nerds who are silly and cartoonish in the best way (but also one of whom gets a monologue that is genuinely moving but whose obscenity is so thinly veiled i TRULY could not believe the board let it through in '41 lmao). this was screening as part of some partnership with the academy where different branches choose movies to highlight and it was selected by the writers, which makes sense because the screenplay is INCREDIBLE, both structurally and line by line. it's somehow both gonzo and intimate, weaving a goofy gangster plot that in the screwball setting reads almost like a parody of noir (the chief goon is named "pastrami" lmao) in at the edges of a genuinely tender love story of the very very best kind, which is two people who surprise each other and consequently themselves, who mutually change each other but not in a way that suggests either of them ever needed to be fixed... and the way this happens is largely through LANGUAGE!! the script is sooo in love with language itself, seeing poetry both in fast-talking street-corner patter and in a line from richard iii that appears in a scene that remains hilarious even as it's also so heart-rending that it elicited not one but two vocal oh's from the person behind me. like, it's so crucial that cooper's character's attitude towards all the slang he's missed while holed up with his books is the excitement of a botanist discovering a new species of fern, totally devoid of condescension or scorn (there's a scene where he tries to understand the meaning of "corny".... it's just so good). this movie felt like a magic trick!!! i just coudn't get over it!!! i was floating on air!!! i was thinking about it all day!!! love yourself and watch it as soon as you're able!!!

ONGOING: interview with the vampire season 2 - Finally Some Good Fucking Food

read

andy greenwald, nothing feels good: punk rock, teenagers, and emo - when i was working on the taylor post i asked nick if the starting line qualified as emo and he responded by pulling this book off the shelf and seeing if they were mentioned (they are, several times). i flipped through it for some additional context and decided to read it for real because i was in the mood for some light nonfiction and it seemed fun and also i know andy greenwald as half of one of the ringer podcasts (the watch, which discusses TV; i had no idea he used to be a music guy). anyway i liked this more than i expected to honestly! you can tell that greenwald genuinely admires the work of many of the bands mentioned, both in emo's hardcore antecedents and in the scene/movement/trend itself (and he devotes a lot of space to the ways emo is all three of those in different ways or sometimes all at once), but you also get the sense that he's approaching this more as a journalist than as a critic, and his primary interest is less the music than the experience of the bands and especially of the fans; it's an oversimplification to say that his argument about emo is that it brings the catharsis of punk to uncool normie teens (given the origin point of my journey with this book, yes, i did constantly find myself stumbling across sentences that sounded like things a person could write about taylor swift lmao), but that's kind of the idea, and crucial here is that greenwald thinks it's good and special that these kids have something that means so much to them, and that's true regardless of the music's artistic merits, which obviously appeals a lot to me, a person whose now deleted perblog had a running tag called #avril lavigne was my kathleen hanna. the sections where he interviews actual teenagers made me choke up... multiple times. i was also kind of pleasantly surprised by how well most of the musicians he interviews come off. a lot of attention is given to chris carrabba of dashboard confessional (not really "of," apparently it's like the mountain goats where the name refers to A Guy and other people also appear variously...) who comes across as sincere and also sincerely actually kind of tormented and unwell to the extent that i found myself like concerned about his mental health, which was not an emotion i expected to ever feel... also the final two chapters are about the internet and the last chapter specifically is about livejournal and as someone who got on liveournal as a teenager the year this book came out, greenwald is more astute about the draw of blogging for young people with many feelings than basically anyone i read pontificating on the topic in high school and maybe anyone since - i'm really hard-pressed to come up with something About The Internet i've read that made me feel "yes! this is true and resonant to my experience of Online!" as much as this did.

courtney summers, the project - summers is one of a handful of authors i actively follow, and this is the first of two books of hers i've missed while having several off-years for reading. like a special gift for me personally, it's about cults, and she nails it; the book has two timelines, one in the present and one in the past, each following one of a pair of sisters drawn into the cult at a different time, in a different way, for different reasons - but to horrifying ends just the same. summers has talked in interviews and in her newsletter about wanting to write books that push at the empathy gap for imperfect victims, and this one pushes it as far as she's ever gone; i just think it's so, so, so great that she asks the reader to watch two different vulnerable people fall for manipulation she knows the reader will be able to spot a mile away and refuses to judge her characters for being manipulated. (also as someone with Some Interest In Cults, but no personal experience... for what it's worth, i think she really nailed the organization, which she says is inspired primarily by the people's temple but will ring familiar to others as well because on a certain level all these places are the same, as well as the charismatic figure at its center. and i thought it was kinda baller to make it an explicitly christian cult.) it's also her plottiest book yet, even more so than sadie, but still retains her knife-sharp interiority. at one point in this book a character who's a journalist says something like "the closer to the bone you get, the less you can be denied," which is an apt a mission statement as she's ever written for herself, and a pretty good one if you're on the market.

listened

dula lipa, radical optimism - dua lipa is to me the living embodiment of that line from the other two, "thank you, john legend! another b-plus!" and, indeed, this album is: Fine

billie eilish, hit me hard and soft - i really wanted to adore this the way i adored happier than ever, which totally blew me away, but i didn't - it's a little too polished, a little too respectable as Well Crafted Pop (as opposed to happier than ever which sort of flirted with respectability vis a vis its subject matter and the oldies influence on its several slower tracks, but which as a project was so eclectic and brimming with ambition that it still felt really electric). but, i mean, it's still good - i really think eilish is top-tier as a songwriter and her lyricism remains distinctive (who else would open her sweetest and most joyful love song yet with a verse saying essentially "kill me if you're gone because i would have no reason to live"?),, and finneas's glossy sheen is never anything less than pleasant to lsiten to - and obviously one of the most famous figures in pop right now putting out a single about how she loves eating pussy and spoiling the shit out of her girlfriend is an unmitigated win. my favorite track is probably the after-album release of the extended cut of the bizarre eurotrash song tucked into the last two minutes of some other normal song, which makes no sense to exist but delights me.

#media 2k24 #isabel 2k24 #technically i watched ball of fire yesterday so in june but #i decided for tracking purposes months just end on sundays #whole-week months only #they're 28 or 35 days. to Me #if you wanted a fun little glimpse into some of my more low stakes but high valence insanity

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strwbrryeyes · 3 days

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hi nini, i just read your bokuto imagine and my heart is on the floor in the best possible way <33

how about oikawa with a gf who’s also really hard-working, to the point that she pushes herself too much but always tries to hide it and puts on a smile. but deep down she really needs to just be held and to let go of everything (and oikawa sees that) 🥹

i love charming oikawa, but i feel we don’t really get to see his hard-working and obstinate side, as well as his ability to read people (like his team mates) well, emphasized in imagines/drabbles! it’s the multidimensional oikawa brainrot coming out </3

𖦹°｡⋆ Nothing matters but you (oikawa x reader)

⟡ cw: comfort, general stress for reader, lmk if i missed anything

⟡ a/n: this is shorter than i usually write but i was thinking of making a part two to this ngl

The loud sound of volleyballs hitting the court echoed through the gymnasium, mixed in with the shouts and laughter of all the players who were hard at practice. In the middle of it all stood Oikawa Tooru, the captain of his university's volleyball team, effortlessly leading and encouraging his team as much as he could. He relished everything about volleyball, from the challenges to the adrenaline it gave him every time on the cour . But today, his mind was elsewhere. His mind was focused on you.

As practice ended and the team began to disperse, and Oikawa immediately looked around to look for you like he always did since you always came to watch his practice. Looking around, he finally spotted you. Your smile, that was usually so warm and welcoming now seemed like a mask but even so, Oikawa weakly smiled back at you making you wave before quickly walking out of the gym which only made him worry more as you would always come down from the bleachers to tell him and the rest of the team that they had done great today.

“Iwa,” Oikawa calls out to his best friend, Iwaizumi, who was gathering his things a few feet away from where he was standing “I’ll catch up with you later.” Oikawa explains as he motions towards the door you had just walked out of

Iwaizumi gave him a knowing look but nodded. "Take care of her," was all he said, clapping Oikawa on the shoulder before heading out himself.

Oikawa quickly packed his things and jogged out of the gym, his mind racing. He knew You were hardworking to a fault. It was one of the things he admired most about her, but it also worried him. You often pushed yourself too hard, hiding your exhaustion behind a brave face. He couldn't shake the feeling that you needed more than just his admiration right now. You needed him to comfort you, to hold you…just be there as a shoulder to cry on.

After a few minutes of looking for you, Oikawa found you sitting on a bench outside, your back to him with your shoulders slightly slumped. Your eyes seemed distant and unfocused, like you were in a completely different world. Oikawa approached you quietly, his heart breaking at the sight of you.

"[name]," he said softly, taking a seat beside you, his voice startling you causing you to slightly jump.

"Tooru! Great practice today, as always," you said, your voice a bit too cheerful with a fake smile plastered on your face.

Oikawa took your hand gently, his thumb tracing soothing circles on your skin. "Thank you, my love. But enough about me. How are you, really?" He says, getting straight to the point and his main concern.

Your smile faltered for a split second before you regained your composure. "I'm okay! Really! I’m just tired from studying and all. You know how it is." you nervously laugh out .

He did know. You have been a top student for as long as he has known you, always aiming for perfection, just like he was with volleyball. But he also knew when someone was on the verge of breaking. He had seen it in his teammates, he has seen it in himself, and now he saw it in you and nothing broke his heart more.

"[name]," he said more firmly, "you don't have to hide from me. You can tell me if you're not okay. It's okay to need a break."

Your eyes filled with tears, and you looked away, biting your lip. "I just... I don't want to be a burden. You have so much on your plate already, Tooru."

Oikawa's heart ached at your words. He pulled you into a gentle embrace, holding you close. "You're never a burden to me, [name]. You're my girlfriend. I want to be here for you, just like you're always there for me whenever I need it.” Oikawa whispers into your ear, his voice threatening to crack.

You let out a shaky breath, the walls you had built around yourself these past few weeks had begun to crumble. "It's just so hard sometimes and I feel like I have to keep pushing, keep smiling, even when I'm exhausted and defeated.”

Oikawa held you tighter, his voice a soothing murmur in your ear. "You don't have to do it all alone. Let me help you. We can face everything together. I promise"

For a moment, you were silent, and then you let out a soft sob, finally breaking. You buried your face in his chest, and he felt your body tremble. He stroked your hair, whispering comforting words, giving her the space to let go of the weight she had been carrying.

Time seemed to stand still as you both sat there, wrapped in each other's arms. Oikawa knew that this was just the beginning. There would be more tough days ahead, but he was determined to be there for you whenever you needed him, to support her as she had always supported him.

As your sobs subsided, you looked up at Oikawa, your eyes red but filled with a newfound sense of relief. "Thank you, Tooru. I don't know what I'd do without you."

He smiled, brushing a tear from your cheek. "We'll get through this together. I promise." He says followed by giving you a kiss on the forehead.

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader fluff #oikawa tooru x reader #oikawa x reader #oikawa tooru fluff #oikawa x reader fluff #oikawa tooru x reader fluff #oikawa tooru #oikawa

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skyfallscotland · 4 hours

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@heartfeltletters-written asked me 💥 How do you feel about criticism? and it felt like something that needed its own post, so here goes: the hypocrisy of critics in modern fandoms, an essay.

Criticism. I don't like getting it or giving it when it comes to writing. I struggle to even gently give it to friends, even when they ask me what I think of their work. Writing is such a personal thing that we pour our heart and soul into and like you say, many criticisms aren't necessarily valid. By that I mean, there's a difference between "Amy you use em dashes a lot babe" (I do) and "This story would have been so much better if Remi were a virgin" (actual criticism I have received, lmao).

Unlike traditional authors, we will never make money from this, we do it for the love of it and it's time we will never get back. For some of us, it's time we could be working on our own original manuscripts too. I don't think people who give the second type of criticism are writers, generally. They don't understand the craft and what goes into it. Whenever I post and someone says a chapter was short or they immediately ask when the next one is, and that's all they say, I die inside a little. I try not to take it personally, but it's hard.

Personally, I think fandom behaviour is getting worse and that flows over into our comment sections and tumblr asks. I have a whole other dissertation on this that we’ll call ‘the slow death of fandom as we know it: an essay’, but that’s perhaps for another post. I don’t know how welcomed that commentary would be.

You said the word ‘entitled’ in your original ask and I think that’s spot on. People have become more entitled in general and downright rude (which is not restricted to online spaces, by the way). I write for ACOTAR, but you’ve never seen me discuss it here because no matter what you say in that regard, you can’t win. Someone will always attack you and I do mean attack. Even in regards to Fourth Wing, I don't talk about my opinions a lot outside of my own little bubble of friends and readers.

And that's the kicker to this whole conversation, really. If I were to criticise Iron Flame/RY everyone would jump down my throat (as has happened on other platforms), even though I'd never say it to her face. Do I stand by my opinions? Absolutely. But it would be rude to tell her them, unless asked. I’m not allowed to (validly) criticise certain elements of her story, a published novel, without being attacked for it, but those same people are fine criticising my work directly to me. Hypocrisy at its finest.

There’s a new influx of people to fandom spaces who are completely unwilling to integrate and completely unwilling to be kind. You mentioned those who criticised your work could have saved themselves the trouble and read the tags, but the thing is: they don’t want to. They can’t be bothered to take five seconds and figure out how they work, to curate their own experience, because that’s what half these people are like. They want an algorithm to do it for them, gods help us.

For me, personally, I'm my biggest critic. I also have raging generalised anxiety, so just posting on the internet is enough to send me spiralling (seriously, I feel sick just typing this out). It's very, very out of my comfort zone and I've been very, very lucky so far to have cultivated the readership I have, full of very like-minded people. Perhaps due to some of the darker content matter. But the second I get harshly worded comments, I get upset.

I don't say that to elicit sympathy, it's just a fact. I get upset about it the same way I would if you were standing in front of me saying it to my face, and for someone with depression and anxiety, that lingers. I'm getting better at laughing at them, but it's like when someone tells you they don't like you and your mum says "just ignore them"—not that easy, right?

So yeah, I don't mind if you want to tell me I use a lot of em dashes, or that I've used a word incorrectly in context, but I don't need to hear how much you hate original character fic when you could just use your last remaining braincell the back button and continue on with your day. Just be kind, is all I'm saying.

#hurricane's writer asks #amy chose violence 🔥#basgiath (remi's version)

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astrangeraccoon · 8 hours

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On Sam and Gwen convo in ep 18:

Sam definitely dropped the ball here. I'm not blaming him and not saying it was his fault but he messed up and I fear that this will lead to Gwen :

Not talking about it again

Putting herself in danger either to prove she can handle it or to bring back proof of what she was trying to tell Alice and sam

The thing that hurt most here is Sam was genuinely believing her. He is a believer of the supernatural. And despite Gwen hostility at time, he has been showed to have an at leat positive relationship with her and regularly take her side (even over Alice in some argument).

So he was believing her and Gwen really believed she was gonna get the support she needed and was finally opening up to get.

She unfortunately just chose the wrong example. I am not blaming her here. Bonzo is the most monstrous of the "external" we got to meet for now. We know how awful he is because we got multiple time where we see him and we got a description of what he look like and we know it's awful.

But from Sam point of view she s basically saying the equivalent of the bear mascot from haribo (first example that came to mind) is in fact a monstruous murderer. So I get why Sam laughed, I probably would have too in his place. Especially since we know from the casement in ep 10 that bonzo was loved by kids probably Sam generation

Also Sam s best friend is Alice. Alice who has no concept of what's appropriate and where/when to joke. She s the kind who would make a joke like that with a big lead up (esp knowing Sam s obsession with the supernatural and his want to help/protect his friend and uncover mystery) that end in the most surprising /stupid way. ("you absolute asshole" that s def something he s said multiple times to Alice wehn she did weird bad jock)

So yeah I don't blame him for his reaction. He still hurt Gwen so much tho (could have realized she was actually genuinely panicking and stopped the joke or something). Especially since he (accidentally) described nearly exactly what happened (the only difference being the tone of voice and it happening at Nigel/bonzo s house). Especially the BONZO BONZO BONZO that must have triggered soooo much panic in her.

(Gwen reaction and her voice just broke me up)

I just wished he had checked on her at the end but of course we can't have healthy communication in this podcast

Tldr: while Sam s reaction to Gwen mentioning was not good™ it made a lot of sense and was very understandable but I wish he checked on gwen later

#the magnus protocol #tmagp #tmagp spoilers #the magnus protocol spoiler #sam khalid #samama khalid #gwendoline bouchard #gwen bouchard

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taylor-titmouse · 22 hours

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my review: i liked how comedic it was, youre good at comedy. i like sex farce

the dubcon felt a lot more like noncon in this one, kinda like the tower book (autocorrect flat out wont let me try to write the actual title. sigh.) and the threats felt a lot more threatening and the villains a lot more villainous. the bandits are definitely the most antagonist-y antagonists youve written aside from the cult in the risen king and our lovely wizard friend romick. mark and george are especially unpleasant (in an amusing way) and i wonder if you intentionally wrote them to be misogynistic as thats something i picked up on from them. they (sam and vanesse too but to a lesser extent) felt like they were written to be actual threatening sex criminals whose acts are considered sex crimes within the narrative/universe, once again similar to romick. angre definitely did not seem to be having a good time during the sex scenes and neither did vanesse when the goblins got her. now none of this is bad in my opinion, i actually quite enjoyed these aspects. but i do think its something people who are sensitive to that type of thing should be aware of

another thing about the story is how it handled gender and expression and all that. that was my favorite aspect of the book. i also enjoyed the world building. youve got a good eye for fantasy world building thats both fun and makes sense. i think you also do in-universe species-ism/prejudice very well too. id read a book by you thats a field guide to the world youve crafted

this is an interesting takeaway because what you're saying much more accurately describes the first draft, to the point that when i read this ask the first time, i was suddenly paranoid i had somehow uploaded that version. the second, final draft involved taking a lot of that real threat out and making it funnier, and trying to play closer to the space the chique books are in, where getting fucked by whoever catches you is a common, acceptable risk.

like the only sex in the whole thing that you could call non-consensual was vanesse and the goblins, but it's presented as a fair punishment given what she does to angre, and it's not presented as a horrible/violent violation, just an annoyance. it's a villain getting what was coming to her. tonally it's different from what people generally think when it comes to non-con, which is why i group it in with dub-con. if she would consider anyone she defeats on the road fair game, the same must be true of her. that's the nature of the world. she "consents" by playing the game, essentially.

similarly angre knew the risk he was taking and specifically goads vanesse into fucking him, so i don't know where you got the idea he didn't want the sex. he came twice. he was fine.

anyway. the question of whether i wrote georgie and markie to be misogynistic on purpose is really funny. no man it happened by accident in the book about fantasy intersectional misogyny. i didn't think about it at all.

i'm glad you liked it i'm just very "huh." about some of your takeaways lol

#tt testimonials #the long road

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inkskinned · 1 year

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one of the things about being an educator is that you hear what parents want their kids to be able to do a lot. they want their kid to be an astronaut or a ballerina or a politician. they want them to get off that damn phone. be better about socializing. stop spending so much time indoors. learn to control their own temper. to just "fucking listen", which means to be obedient.

one of the things i learned in my pedagogy classes is that it's almost always easier to roleplay how you want someone to act. it's almost always easier to explain why a rule exists, rather than simply setting the rule and demanding adherence.

i want my kids to be kind. i want them to ask me what book they should read next, and i want to read that book with them so we can discuss it. i want my kid to be able to tell me hey that hurt my feelings without worrying i'll punish them. i want my kid to be proud of small things and come running up to me to tell me about them. i want them to say "nah, i get why this rule exists, but i get to hate it" and know that i don't need them to be grateful-for-the-roof-overhead while washing the dishes. i want them to teach me things. i want them to say - this isn't safe. i'm calling my mom and getting out of this. i want them to hear me apologize when i do fuck up; and i want them to want to come home.

the other day a parent was telling me she didn't understand why her kid "just got so angry." this woman had flown off the handle at me.

my dad - traditional catholic that he is - resents my sentiment of "gentle parenting". he says they'll grow up spoiled, horrible, pretentious. granola, he spits.

i am going to be kind to them. i am going to set the example, i think. and whatever they choose become in the meantime - i'm going to love them for it.

#writeblr #i was doing a lot with high school students. over and over again #other teachers kept asking me what i was doing differently - why the kids listened to me. i am not particularly foreboding #and i have a pretty firm personal policy of never reacting in anger #godhelpme.#i was always kind of taken aback #because in general the kids were pretty easy. i explained i needed to keep everything “PG-13” because this was my workplace #and it was kind of their workplace #too. besides #i love swearing #and since i couldn't swear #neither could they - so if they were going to say “fuck” or become violent #they needed to choose a really specific time #because we only get “the one”.. sure enough - nobody wanted to waste the one very specific “fuck” utterance. kids listened.#i think just because - that rule makes sense. the kids understand that i don't want to be unfair to them #that censorship is stupid #but that i'm under these rules too so like let's ride it out together #also i look young and tbh between me and u nobody wants to make the nice english teacher cry #the way these kids defended me to their friends was really genuinely so heartwarming bc the Grouchy Frat Boy #would be like MISS RAQUEL DOESN'T DESERVE THAT KIND OF AN ATTITUDE BRO DON'T TALK BACK TO HER

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 10 months

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Cultivator and Lawyer, Elle Woods (& Her spiritual dog Bruiser)!

Part 2 (soon)

#better drawn mdzs #mdzs #legally blonde #elle woods #In honour of Elle woods being canon to the PD-MDZS universe I *had* to make a legally blonde crossover #Elle Woods is a mythic figure. To me. Don't think about the lore of how she would exist in a Wuxia setting. This is for goofs.#Part 2 tomorrow ! Though its mostly silly doodles of the MDZS crew.#Lawyers and MDZS crossover *so* well. Legally blonde is a bit too specific of a story though. More on that in the next post.#Legally Blonde in general is a movie that means a lot to me (esp the musical). Your mileage may vary but I think it has a lot to say!#The feeling of being chronically underestimated and boxed into a role based on other people's perception of you really got to me!#(and the fact that the person who introduced me to MDZS turned out to...not be a good friend.#But I found a huge passion for something because of it! Yippee! I'm having more fun without you bringing me down!)#Drawing brusier made me realize I need to draw more dogs before dogust ends....

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veinsfullofstars · 3 months

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“I. Am going. To kill that rat.” “What was that, Boss?” “I said, BACK TO YOUR POSTS NOW!” “Y-Y-Yes, sir, right away, sir!”

(ID: Kirby series fanart comic, Kintsugi AU, four borderless panels featuring Dark Meta Knight, Mirror Axe Knight, and Mirror Mace Knight, in which the latter two comment on their leader’s interesting new battle scars, much to his restrained dismay. Transcript below the cut. END ID.)

Good thing his minions aren’t the brightest bulbs in the bunch - otherwise they’d’ve found out about all the friendly hugs he’s been getting in his off-time.

(… this isn’t too much, is it? Stars, I hope not. I tried to keep it vague enough that it doesn’t have to mean anything spicy. Maybe it was just a very competitive game of tag. Or maybe DMK couldn’t quite reach an itch between his wings and Daroach got a bit overenthusiastic trying to help. Basically anything that could ruin his “big scary cool toughguy” reputation. As long as DMK is too embarrassed to admit to it in front of his crew, they’re all viable options, haha.)

Started 12/25/23, finished 12/28/23, updated 01/04/24. NOTE: This was originally posted on my deleted account on 01/04/24.

—

Transcript:

Panel 1

*DMK walking forward towards our left, M!Axe and M!Mace passing by in the opposite direction, M!Axe waves cheerily to DMK, who glances at them over his shoulder*

M!Axe: Oh, Boss, there you are! Hey, how was the fight? Didja win?

DMK: Hm? What’re you talking about?

Panel 2

*reverse shot of DMK, still glancing over his shoulder, several pink scratch lines can be seen on his back and the base of his wings, each in sets of three*

M!Mace: Got some new scratches on your back, Boss. Nasty ones, too, by the look of it.

M!Axe: (laughing, impressed) Ha! Musta been one heck of a scrap to leave marks like that! I’d hate to see what happened to the other guy, haha!

Panel 3

*front shot of DMK, his eyes shrunk to dots in realization, as a thought bubble hovers over his head - a simple headshot of Daroach, grinning roguishly beneath the shadow of his hat, showing off his claws as they glint sharply*

Panel 4

*front shot of DMK, sweating and glaring fixedly off to the side, eyes still shrunk, a vivid blush inside his visor, while M!Axe and M!Mace stand where they were before behind him, heads tilted in innocent confusion*

DMK: (strained) … … … Yes. … … A fight. … That’s what happened.

#veins art #veins ships #veins fanart #fanart #kirby series #kirby #dark meta knight #mirror axe knight #mirror mace knight #(not tagging them as OCs since they're not really different from their counterparts here)#daroach #dark meta knight x daroach #darkroach #rarepair #AU #kintsugi au #comic #(almost didn't post this one not gonna lie)#(I generally prefer more fluff-centric stuff)#(since even implied spice tends to make the ace brain leap into panic mode)#(plus I don't wanna y'know... accidentally set some kind of weird precedent regarding my art?)#basically I'm overthinking things again)#(but these two have a very specific relationship in my headcanon)#(at least when compared to MetaDede or Marxolor for example)#(not to say there's no fluff btw them - it's just more... neutrally physical? than what the others have)#(“friends with benefits” fits best I think)#anyway - panel 3 DMK face is my favorite thing ever I've decided #suggestive #<- (just in case)#veinsfullofstars

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vibingforjudaism · 7 months

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I need a therapist who I can argue with and who will give me jewish advice ....a rabbi. I need a rabbi

#afakelj #seriously though #i thought my last therapist was good!#and then i tried to change some stuff and do some arguing #and the reaction was... mrrrgh #also idk. i feel like.... i don't want to have to update the therapist about what is happening in my life #which is stupid! of course i should they've got many patients #but i feel like what i just sit there talking about my week? i do that to my friends already #i'd like a situation where they knew me enough to already have a general idea of what was going on #so i could meet with them less frequently. say once a month #and then we could work on a specific problem i'm having and i could get advice on that and see how that's working out #i really think of therapy as brain and emotions doctor and where i'm at now i want...more jewish methods of dealing with life?#does this make any sense #.....a bubbe would also work in a different but similar way. i need one of them too T.T #but you see i pay the rabbi by dues to the synagogue. so i just have to find a synagogue i like (lmao just)#i have to marry someone and start raising grandchildren to pay the bubbe

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averlym · 9 months

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whshdfhfjf.,,,

#close up!! because i firstly Did Not render them with such insanity in order for tumblr's lack of general resolution to make it blur #look at all the lines!!! teehee i still really really like this style of digital painting it's super super fun to do!!! and also secondly #because i went back and added a tag ramble and as i seem to often be doing??? lately?? reached the 30 tag limit and went 'hm ok how else..'#anyway the tag essay on that one is now up and talks about the artwork generally and miscellaneous thoughts!! that said. i need a space to #ramble about beatrix at Length because look you don't draw and paint etc a character for like ten hours without having a lot of thoughts #anyways ! i digress terrifically. tag rambles are more like trains of thoughts masquerading as subways and you get on and it's unfortunately #a rollercoaster track. but this is My Blog and i can do Whatever I Want as long as i don't hurt anyone <- affirmations!! also Harm Principle #lately it's been like *kicks up feet* *opens tumblr tags* *treats it as own personal journal* and tbh Good for me!! anyways back to beatrix #fun fact ! the thing that pushed me over the edge to go watch the musical after looking through the tumblr tag was a very specific poll.#and the fact that the winning option was blue hair and pronouns made me double over laughing so hard i had to go see the source material #mm i feel like lately the academic Context has been tossing me essentially into a blender HAHA ;-; so everyone in adamandi is to some extent #a Mood. but bea-specific (haha be specific)(sorry!)(wow this is the same reaction mechanism of my friend who points out innuendos)(...)#i think it's the wanting to prove herself. like from the whole abuela etc thing there's proof here she's got a Stable Support System of sort #and instead what beatrix continues to do is push themselves. 'i guess u could say i'm married to my work? god that's depressing' // no one #here to enforce that // abuela tells me to rest says i'm constantly stressed and i'll just get depressed like before but i still have to try #like. that shred of desperation that pushes you to the brink to neglect yourself (well i guess physically but also your morals..) and like!!#the whole 'lose half your soul thing' proves she's self aware!! like they know what they're doing is super dubious yknow! but they're still #they're still doing it even if it goes into conflict with their morality system in a way and then they justify it to themselves (see pt 1 #of ghostwriter) and the whole wanting to achieve at all costs Despite the self awareness. (i think? this aspect also applied to quincy. but #thoughts on him will come later). more beatrix specific also is the fact that they genuinely adore their work.. 'i just love it here where #you know they'll be printing forever and you are just part of it' because that does kind of resonate with me. also the being behind in the #competition is real!!! i'm maybe talking about Art as a subject because that same drive for it exists on my good days i think. even #even when nothing seems to be going right and you've ended up at the back the intent passion inherent in what you do is still there!!!#the genuine. care she has for reporting. is so !!!!! to me... other beatrix thoughts include 'why reveal yourself at the end' aka vincent's #'u should have stayed silent u had a smart plan' like rip to them but i would not // it feels with bea's complex character i can't imagine h #her Not doing that. like the guilt is real i guess. and i am running out of tags but! smth also about her fervent hope or smth that she'll #eventually get to where she wants. and the resilient determination.. 'i won't let their deaths be pointless there's more good i'm gonna do'#they're so so real for that. i'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing; seeing myself reflected in aspects of characters like this.. but it's #it's there regardless. smth smth just make your peace with the person you are ig!! tldr beatrix campbell my beloved. hehe #adamandi

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imminent-danger-came · 7 hours

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I'll never get over the fact that MK trades his friends for power to save his friends. What's wrong with him

#I love you 3x03.#Good characterization/themeing ep/setting up MK's abilities/general power scaling #Truly MK is out here willing to sacrifice Mei's Sword and the deed to Pigsy's noodles. Like the heart and soul of his dad's life #Playing a rigged game....#Finding your strength...when you need it most...#''Staff's just a big ol' stick bud! It takes someone special to wield it''#Wukong what the Fuck do you know man #lmk #lmk MK #lego monkie kid #lmk rant #lmk theme: exchange #lmk game motif #I need to make a post cataloging lmk's instances of exchange theme like I'm losing my mind #We gET iT. I'd dO anYThInG fOr My FriEnDs. BuT aT thE cOSt oF tHe wOrLD #''This is Azure's utopia...and this barren wasteland is the price he paid to build it''#''Nothing comes without sacrifice. Nothing'' -> Azure sacrificing himself to repair the world #''You offer something of value to gain something of value''#''Take me- I don't care! Just let them go.'' (3x04)#Macaque saying to start the ritual for Mei's life #''You're so desperate to end me that you would sacrifice this blameless innocent child?'' ''You're leaving me no choice!''#''You would really sacrifice your own friend to save yourself?''#''We can't risk unleashing the curse into the world!'' ''You don't know- we'd risk it for sure!''#LIKE THEY'RE SO NOT SUBTLE #Tbh even choosing to go along with Wukong's s3 plan despite the risks is like. Okay guys #And then Wukong lowkey sacrificing Mei for the Samadhi Fire like #Exchange theme follows me everywhere. Truly #it's so delicious #I think the hero warrior motif is also transactional honestly #Like your the warrior and they're the hero. They're going to trade you and your relationship for power

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not-poignant · 3 months

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You have a very broad readership; do you still, like most ao3 writers, use writing as a way to make friends? If so, how do you manage both to make connections and keep from uncomfortable parasocial engagements?

(admitting: I like your work a lot, I have a similar interest in writing trauma and recovery, I would like to befriend you, but I don't want to bother you bc lots of people want to be friend with writers they like and there's no way you'd have energy for all of them!)

Hi hi anon,

So...this response might be disappointing, but I didn't use fanfiction writing as a way of making friends. That's not why I started, and it's never been the reason for me to be in fandom.

(Thoughts about friendship and stuff under the read more, it's pretty personal so no obligation to read. The TL;DR is I am bad at friendship and I also am not like 'most AO3 writers' (is that really why most AO3 writers write?) in the sense that I never wrote fanfiction as a way to make friends and it's very weird to me sometimes that people actually do this as a motive).

When I turned up in fandom, it was a very private experience for me. I didn't know anyone else locally who shared the same fandom/s I do. When I shared fanfiction on Livejournal, I did so to complete strangers who I never got to know better, or to people who were already friends through other interests.

I've never gone to fandom conventions (there's few here, and I have severe social anxiety. By the time I thought about going I was in my late 30s, and just felt like I'd be too much of an outsider even among fellow outsiders - again, I shared almost no fandoms or ships with anyone I knew locally, and no one I'm friends with / know in person reads my fanfiction). Fandom was always an incredibly isolated experience for me.

When I joined AO3, it wasn't with a view to making friends. I was extremely burnt out, I'd quit my previous job as a professional artist because I couldn't see a way of making the income work out, and I just wanted to write a very angst-filled story that would help me deal with my loneliness which I didn't see as something that would ever change. Writing about a character who's experienced centuries of loneliness was like 'cool, yeah, I'm gonna write about him.'

I did end up making friends, but it was kind of by accident! And not all of those experiences were positive. One person in particular became quite toxic and cruel towards me, and I experienced my first kind of encounter with...I guess what I would call the uglier side of fandom life and also just friendship and relationships. It took me a long time to recover from that experience (and to learn what emotional abuse is), and after that I shut down and stopped kind of making friends on the internet.

I have made friends through the writing since (they're usually the mutuals I also have on Instagram, or here, or people I've DMed in Discord etc.), but I haven't really sought it out actively and I think anyone who knows me well enough that we've private messaged a few times, also knows that I'm quite aloof and reserved, and that I will engage quite deeply sometimes but then disappear for a few months (or years) re: communication, which is a remnant of a period of time where I used to get sometimes 200 Whatsapp messages in 5 minutes from someone who expected me to be accountable to her every second of every day when she was awake and wanted me to be.

On top of like, severe social anxiety + PTSD, and being very reserved in general, I would also say I'm very time poor. I don't have much time for the friends I already have and care about. I often view myself as quite a poor friend, who is not good at starting and even worse at maintaining connections. I'm also very private. As in, I will happily tell the world I have PTSD. But I won't tell my friends in a private conversation when I'm having a bad night, and I don't give friends many opportunities to connect. Even with really close friends, this is an ongoing issue that I'm working on.

So as for befriending, that's extremely sweet of you anon, but who I am in my personal life is sometimes very different to like... the way I can respond in comments or to anons, because it's actually easier for me to talk to strangers sometimes than it is for me to talk to friends, lol. I honestly think some of the people I consider my friends don't even know that I do, because I don't really behave like one. I chat online regularly to one person only, and one other person intermittently (and they're a romantic partner) and that's it. Everyone else I chat to pretty rarely in DM. But I do turn up in the Fae Tales Discord every day.

I don't actually think lots of people want to be my friend, tbh? Not in a 'woe is me' way, but simply because I think some people do grok that kind of... polite distance or that sort of warm 'I care for a lot of people but I am also quite personally walled off' kind of way. The good news is a lot of the folks in the Fae Tales Discord also share a lot of interest in writing trauma and recovery, or have those experiences, and I know a lot of good friends have been made within the like...faedom itself. A lot of neurodivergent, trauma-focused folks have met each other through this writing, and it's really cool seeing the different friendships that have sparked up between people. There's a lot of extremely like... skilled, talented, interesting people that I've met through this job, who I admire, respect and want the best for, and am very happy to talk to.

But yeah I'm a bit difficult to befriend, anon, and that's been an ongoing thing all my life, tbh. But it did specifically get worse in fandom because of some early fandom experiences when I started out in Rise of the Guardians fanfiction.

#asks and answers #personal #pia on fanfiction #tbh the idea of writing to make friends #is very strange and even a bit offputting to me #not that other people do it like i'm happy for them if they do #but it's just so far apart from why i started #i like making connections with my writing don't get me wrong #and i love meeting different people #but fandom was never a very social experience for me #to this day i hate discussing fandom headcanons with other people #and i don't like a lot of fandom meta #i always feel like i'm in fandom #and that i contribute to fandom #but in a very satellite / outsider kind of way #that's why i find it so easy to bounce from fandom to fandom once i'm done with a fic #i'm not saying i don't make friends with people in fandom ever #i'm saying i don't really make friends *in general*#and when i do those people often have no idea they are a friend because i'm not #very connected on a regular basis

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