#i'm having a hard time dealing with it rn

[10underoot2]

I don't have all my thoughts in order rn but I still need to put this out there.

Episode 16 was okay. Really slow at times, hardly bearable at others but it was good. I think I would have immensely enjoyed the show more if we took out Amnesia and Yoon Eun Sungs idiocracy of the last two episodes.

See for me, as beautiful as the ending sequence was I missed BaekHong even before the show ended. We don't know their new dynamic by the time the show ends. It is so unformed and raw that I physically missed the couple that graced my screen at the start - the one I fell in love with. Who grew from 'I can't love you' to 'I can't live without loving you'. The ending sequence of them was beautiful, the scenes were good but nothing stuck for me. Was it because I was incredibly aware that Haein doesn't remember what I'm remembering. Was it because they never showed me both of them back at the dynamic they used to have?

I loved Baekhong so the end was weird for me. I surprisingly liked it but I'm also pained by what I've lost due to some of the writing choices. I enjoyed the thought of them having a child sometime earlier, more than I saw it here. Because I felt like I don't know this dynamic too much anymore. Hae-in's personality is still a mystery to me. Hyunwoo's dynamic with her as well. We've always seen the hard parts of their marriage and the honeymoon phases. We've witnessed nothing in between. So I guess a more linear passing of time would've been more interesting. It warmed my heart seeing that child in the frame but I squealed more in the post credit scenes where Hyunwoo and Haein are just enjoying themselves in the field (because it reminded me of their original dynamic).

They also could've given me Haein and Hyunwoo dealing with baby 1031 for a whole episode and I would've taken it. That scene explaining what happened and them somewhat talking about it was appreciated but it was a little too late. I felt like the writer suddenly remembered in the last episode oh yeah right the story started cause these two married lovers fell apart. Gotta make them talk about it before the end credits roll. I would've enjoyed them dealing with their past problems more if it was like 5-6 plot twists earlier.

I appreciate the ending I really do. It was warm, beautiful, and nice. It gave closure. But it was a little too late for me. Some of the plot points served no purpose on this show so I wish we didn't have them. But Baekhong from episode 1-14 will live rent free in my brain forever.

#queen of tears #maybe I'll change my mind when I rewatch the end of this episode #but I was so detached by the end #baek hyun woo #hong hae in #kdrama #kim ji won #kim soo hyun #baekhong

[katandsquad]

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#my ex and i broke up 4 1/2 months ago #we tried to stay friends #he even started working at the same company as ne #just a different store #on the 4th we went no contact #i'm having a hard time dealing with it rn #we still care for each other but he is too unstable at the moment #he has been lying to me a lot #just so he could avoid trouble #he is in a rapid cycle rn and has almost no control over the stuff he is doing #he told me that he is not recognizing himself rn #as angry and hurt as i am/was #i'm very lonely lately #it makes me angry #i've been fine for 4 months now #now i'm becoming lonely #i'm sick and I just miss the cuddles and comfort of another person #i feel so stupid #just needed to get this out

[joyridingmp3]

cancelled all future singing lessons 😌

#sweet motherfucking CHRIST that bitch was annoying #i tried soooooo hard to overlook those things and see the good in her #but when she looked at the clock 18 minutes into our 30 minute session and then KEPT. TALKING!!! i was over it #also. very hard for me to sit there #while someone im PAYING MONEY to teach me a skill #tells me aaaaaaaall about their abusive father who used to physically assault them #meanwhile I'm having flashbacks to my OWN trauma when MY abusive father used to do all that #but i have some decorum and tact and sense of context and time and a place #and I also value my privacy #so i never said anything #but i just had to smile and nod and politely say 'wow. that's must have been SOOOO hard for youuuuu :((' #like oh my GOD #can we just fucking SING?? #can we just do the thing I paid you to do?? #I don't fucking CARE!! #mine #sorry I'm so anxious rn it's translating into anger i guess #but I'm glad that's over and I'll never have to deal with that again #I'll just google it and teach myself to sing #that's what I get for relying on others #every time i seek help from another person. or rely on them for something #they ALWAYS let me down. and I have to figure it out for myself #I don't know why I thought this would be any different #I can do it myself. I always have. and I always will. i don't need anyone #also when she said for a whole MONTH that she'd teach me this technique next session. and didn't. #it was sooooo over

[magentagalaxies]

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#this might be both oversharing and being too vague rn but it's 2am and i'm emotionally exhausted #i can't believe during one of the most traumatic moments i've had in the past year i was lucky enough to have scott as my biggest supporter #the entire time as i was going through it he was so supportive giving me space to process shit and always having my back #and yet there are some people in my life who are always going to villainize him for one comment he said during that time out of context #or even if they're not ''villainizing'' him i now feel like i have to begin every sentence about scott with #''yeah we don't agree on everything but we're still friends and isn't that amazing!'' #which yeah that is true and i do genuinely enjoy when scott and i disagree and are respectful about it #BUT WHY DOES THAT HAVE TO BE THE FIRST THING I SAY ABOUT HIM???? #and honestly that whole experience made me agree with scott on way more than i started out with #i'm proud of how i was able to grow as a person and for the fact that it brought me and scott much closer together #but that shit i went through at my college was still traumatic. and it did change me as a person #it completely changed my relationship to activism in a way i'm not happy about bc i want to be more of an activist #but when i had someone use social justice language to justify horrible things against me it's hard not to be wary #of how hollow and performative a lot of conversations can be #and like i'll even say it. like people might get mad at me for admitting it #but that whole traumatic situation has irrevocably changed my relationship to gender as well #or at least how i label myself and how i move through these conversations #and in some ways i'm grateful for it bc i do feel like i know myself more and like i don't have to worry about what others' think #or even what other people understand #but it shouldn't have had to go down like that. and as much as the time i got to spend with scott during that time was so much fun #and such a great experience and he was truly the perfect support system during that time #he shouldn't have had to deal with that and neither should i #and the fact that scott somehow got villainized in some people's minds while the person who actually caused that trauma #is instead treated like ''yeah he was a bit misguided and made a mistake but he was probably anxious about it!! he's just a person!!'' #that's never going to stop being painful. especially the idea that with the importance people put on labels #i would supposedly have more ''community solidarity'' with that asshole than a cis gay man like scott #idk i think i'm past the timeframe of that traumatic experience bc it's not consuming every day like it used to a few weeks back #but something triggered it tonight so i just need to process it. anyway shoutout to scott for being there for me i really needed it

[baishouqijia]

i am desperately trying to be more active but i'm experiencing mental burnout. just want to say thank you for the interactions even when i'm only checking in here now and again - i'll respond when i'm feeling better! <3

#nothing really happened - work and the house just got on top of me. #for context i was promoted to a management position in october and i hit my stride so i have a lot of responsibilities and i'm hhh. #having to play catch up in terms of skillset. i'm good at my job but i'm not the best - therefore ? i must keep pushing :y #as for home... Man (horse.jpg) #we bought a house a year ago. i envy people who renovate days after moving in. we're a year in and i'm only just redoing the kitchen floor #after a leak that happened in JUNE 2022. it's expensive as fuck and takes so much time. #i'm so fortunate to be able to afford a house but like. i won't lie. it's really hard having to be responsible for everything that goes #wrong with it. my kitchen has been subfloor for months. we destroyed our kitchen island trying to make room for the floor to be done #so we're down storage and stuff is just piling up. eh i know this is like. first world problem and really not a big deal. #but when your house is in disrepair because you don't have the money to fix it quickly or time to do it yourself. shit's hard. #anyway this is a rant. don't want a wrench or a tissue- just wanna get it out. #[puts on pantalone hat] i have money anxiety too #like i earn the most i've ever earned. i won't really get much higher than this atm. i'm due a bonus and i can cash out my shares #but fixing up the house is so expensive. i'm worried i'm gonna lose it all somehow. idfk why. when things are going well i worry i'm gonna #lose it all somehow. growing up poor does a number on your resource guarding. if i spend a penny I Will Lose It All. #' dima why do you like pantalone so much ' HE JUST LIKE ME FRRRR #sry this is a ramble . i treat tumblr tags like my diary but i hope you enjoyed the read xoxox #anyways! point is! i'm alive! i'm itching to come back but i dont have the mental space for fun rn. #can't have fun until i feel safe enough to have fun if that makes sense. #aight byeee

[spiritofjustice]

decided to wait till my dad went to sleep to make dinner bcs i cannot stand being around him rn and it's been 3 hours and now he's just sleeping downstairs. cool

#psy's no punctuation posts #it's hard to explain. he didn't do anything but like i don't want to be around him rn. you know what i mean. sometimes its just like that #just don't have the mental capacity to deal with him and i just want some peace when i make dinner #he retired last week and i'm happy for him but also the idea of him being around all fucking day every day is giving me hives #that is TOO much for me. he is too much. he's so high maintenance and loud and annoying and self-centered #i love him but he's best in small doses bcs he doesn't really talk to me like a person so i can only handle so much #he's encroaching on what i used to have as 'quiet' time when i came home from work. he'd be asleep #so he wouldn't make fun of what i watched or be loud and annoying and i could just chill #post-work should be quiet no dad time. not so anymore #and i can't ve like 'get out of the living room and go upstairs' bcs it's his house too and that isn't fair #but i just feel like i can't really be myself or do much while he's awake

[hikeyzz]

.

#anyway um happy thursday i hope y'all are havin a great day thx for following me and dealing with my antics i rlly appreciate you all so mu #esp all my beloved moots y'all are so so precious to me #anyway don't keep reading unless you wanna know what goes on in my dumb idiot brain all the time #i would simply love to not be in pain and suffering anymore #i feel like i'm never going to feel well again #and idk how much longer i can keep going like this #like this life is not so great that it balances out the absolute suffering i endure #so . #why am i doing it?? #i never expected to live this long to begin with which is cool whatever like i chose to keep living #but i also expect to have a short life because of my health and my genes #and there's been some comfort in that where i feel a sense of ease knowing i'm not trapped in this life and there is an end #but so far my life has been that i am in poor enough health is seriously disrupts my life but only mildly disables me and does not actually #pose a risk to my ability to stay alive #like none of my health issues are fatal or life threatening in any way #they just seriously make it HARD to live and thrive and bc of that i'm like in disability limbo #and i don't wanna do it anymore #and trust me when i say i have thought soooooo much on it and am TRYING to make it worth it i am TRYING to make this life livable #i just can't keep living like this and my options rn are very limited #i want to ... so bad yet i keep trying and it just really really isn't worth it in my eyes #i don't know much longer i can hold on. i don't think i want to much longer #hikey #talks from ur local sexy psycho <3 #disabled lyfe

[zoekrystall]

Rant. Hate traveling to the city so much.

I need to get to the big city today and I am this fucking close to biting and going feral. Why the fuck do you wait by the door so much prior to the destination coming leave me the fuck alone you people had sit places. And of course no-one wears a mask so not suprised. Get away. And also of fucking course this train system is useless as fuck and I come 20 minutes at min later to my appointment and if that isn't fine then I'm going to go feral for real I'm already so done. If selfish people wouldn't be assholes could I maybe at least eat or drink between leaving and coming back home but I'm not risking shit. Fucking hate here man I wonder why I either barely go out or if exclusively with other people and then this is the state and I remember. The coughing just adds I don't want anymore. If anyone starts to sit next to me without a mask will I have even more bloodlust. If I'm lucky I get cozy and turn into snuggle cat mode once home and if not will I have to sleep again bc otherwise I will be unable to function for anything bc only one emotion is allowed to exist until sleep reset.

#a wild lux appears #wouldn't be suprised if it partially was still to fight anxiety w anger since that at least gives confidence #Like obv I'm not gonna be a bitch to people irl unless they directly attack me but fucking hell #Anyways to combat anxiety or not the anger is real #It's like 10 am here why the fuck was the first train so full #Need to move back to the city just to not have this shit and at most deal w full transit in the city for like 5 mins tops and not like #A full hour just to get into the city #A full hour is nothing but it is if you're quickly annoyed at people #Anyways reg the last part now that I think abt it I wonder if having sometimes a hard time letting go off esp anger for the day is still #Relics of the protectory. Bc letting my guard down or being nice for even a sec to those assholes was awful. And I was around them 24/7 #Love analyzing myself since I'm little all year #At least it distracts I guess #Hoping I zone out until I'm in the city or smth at least the train is not full rn

[suckishima]

rrrrrrrrr im so frustrated with my writing. its just been weeks of struggle and whyyyy. idk i think i need to rework or rethink what im going for with this one or something, its like i can feel the threads of the themes i wanna do are sooo close to tying together but it just isnt quite reaching yet and so it reads like a stilted bland mess but the more i stare at it the further away it feels aaah

i know it can get there i kNOW it can, the ending and like aha moment is so cleaaaar that i think its almost too solid and thats why my beginning feels so fucked—like i just keep asking myself 'well if hes gonna get there in chapter 5, whats stopping him from getting there now in chapter 2??' i tHOUGHT i had reasons but now that im there i just keep instinctually writing him to have the connecting/realization moment anyway and like. if that's how it is then what even IS the story??? i need a break

#leaving for my parents for christmas tomorrow and while its always a little lowkey stressful there esp during holidays #itll be nice to at least have a different stress than this one for a few days lmao #mandatory writing break coming at a good time ig #anyway a lot of the real problem is that a big reason i wanted to write this fic is bc i wanted to explore tsukkis mental space during #the ball boy arc bc i feel like its an interesting transitional time for him in terms of like being after his big moment but then #he slightly regresses in that post match bathroom scene until yamaguchi sets him straight and like. i love just how furudate is showing #that growth isnt linear and so i wanna explore how tsukki would feel during the camp (which he didnt seem stoked to go to) #and in contrast with hinata who couldnt go but weasels in anyway and like how does tsukki deal with #that intensity of stupidity and passion in regards to how he feels about his own relationship to volleyball now #like i dont think its a straight line from blocking ushijima -> admitting yeah sometimes volleyball is fun #i think theres some wavering in there and oooo i wanna explore it but FUCK its hard?? #why furudate why does tsukki deny extra practice the first night of rookie camp but accepts the second night?? #i know why he accepts night 2 im excited abt that. i'm big time struggling with pinpointing why he says no night 1 in a way #that doesnt come off like 1 hes fully regressing 2 like im having him say no purely bc thats how it is in canon so magical ~plot reasons~ #truthfully furudates reason is probably just 'was funny to have tsukki and kunimi say no in unison' and it isnt out of character for #tsukki to say no either but i also can feeeel it i can feeel the threads of a solid character developmental reason that will fit with #all the OTHER stuff im also trying to do lmao #i just need to piece it together in the right way in the right order and right emphasis #and its so cloooose rn but ugh it just feels wishwashy atm #and so. i struggle lmao #eesh anyway fun tag rant yay #heres to hoping not thinking about this for a week will help #x #....who wants to take bets on whether ill delete this later lol

[babypuffinzoe]

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#tw mental health #this will probably end up like a mini rant so feel free to ignore #i am just not feeling it today #i haven't felt like myself in a while #but tbh i don't even know who myself is most of the time #aftee being diagnosed with a few things last year i thought it would help with my progress #and it has in some ways #but dealing with all this is so hard and i am tired af #i don't find joy in anything i used to #i don't particularly like myself on most days #i feel like i'm constantly annoying everyone #i suck at being social #lately i suck at everything #that's what my brain tells me all day and it puts me off starting anything #i have to figure out how to get past that #but rn that feels impossible #ugh 😭 #anyways i'm sure things will get better in time #probably when my period comes 😂 #but what to do in the meantime 🤔

[todayisafridaynight]

YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PRICELESS IS SO GOOD RIGHT... LOVE THE ENDING FOR THAT... and very much anticipating First Penguin's... which I am DETERMINED to continued today... I feel bad for falling behind because I ended up binging a whole anime yesterday since the secondary protagonist was based on Tsutsumi and lost track of Fucking Everything 😭😭😭he is so cute though😚

OH BUT YEAH I played DQXI's demo [the first ten hours of the game or so]... yeaaahhhh... definitely that kind of game for me too... but I hope whenever you get back to it you have a good time! I may not know a thing about Metroid but I am also happy to hear it was an enjoyable experience overall :] I enjoy the tag rambles very much :]

REGARDLESS... EPIC... I HOPE YOU ENJOY SP... OR AT THE VERY LEAST I HOPE YOU CAN STICK WITH IT UNTIL IT BECOMES ENJOYABLE...

AND YOU'RE JUST NOT GOING TO DROP THE TITLE so mean telling me about all these interesting things to watch and not sharin the title (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

TEN HOURS FOR THE DEMO ??? long as hell demo... OH BUT NO i love the games a lot !! ive followed the series for a while since. i do have that dragon ball/toriyama fanatic in me unfortunately even if i dont like toriyama himself ☠️☠️ i only really got to actually start one of the games last year when my bro got DQXI for me and ive been loving it so far (*￣▽￣*)ミ|Ю

i've BEEN enjoying it so far !! i'm just about to start episode four tho i AM gonna lose my mind if this hospital arc goes on one more episode bro this half the series already ☠️

#snap chats #joking of course.... haha unless-- #if this is the chara you mean then he seems like a nice fellow :) i trust his vibes already..... he seems like a chara i'd like... #OH BUT PRICELESS WAS SOOOO GOOD AND SO LOVELY TYSM AGAIN FOR RECCING IT... i hope you enjoy the rest of first penguin !!!!! #NO WORRIES BOUT RUSHIN IT fair nuff theres no deadline !!!! id rather you take your time and enjoy it on your own terms anyhow :) #but SPEEEAAKING of DQ im actually playing it rn LMAO. i only stopped last year cause i just had an awful exp with a boss #and then i got busy with Life but itd been bothering me that i just stopped so i finally decide to get back into it #the boss wasnt even that hard this time around... tho i think thats just cause i went in Prepared this time ☠️ #i dont remember why my bro got me DQXI.. i think he was just using some gamestop deal he had and got himself something too.. #NOOO UGH i dont know if its in the demo but the boss was arachtagon and he's who i thought of while making that ichi and masato comic LMAO #of course i couldnt reference that fight since.... that wasnt the DQ game of the time... but still we get the point i think... #nono i love dragon quest and playing it's something i'm happy i finally get to do #it definitely requires you to think a lot more and be more careful with what you do #i mean itd PRRROOBBBABLY be easier if i did sidequests but i have a terrible tendency to wanna finish the game first... #in any case. i am playing it while watching SP because i was thinking of the next part of the game and was stuck on it #and when i looked up where to go i was like 'no i already checked that spot' and i was just gonna leave it at that but now i cant stop #but i ALSO really wanted to watch SP today but fortunately i can multitask #not like i need to pay a LOT of attention to dq rn.. im just grinding. cause im broke ☠️ #oh but im glad you enjoy the tag rambles :) i have too many thoughts for my own good #like how when i was at the game store i saw DQ treasures AND metroid dread AND the megaman battlenetwork collection.. #i was fighting real demons that day not to empty my wallet.... #luckily my bro was with me so i felt like him being there was a way to keep me in check. even if he prob wouldnt have opposed (￣▽￣;;) #IN ANY CASE. i have multiple medias to consume lest i let The Thoughts take over my brain again for even a second ٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶ #inoue's chara is so funny like He's Super Human um doc... i think he's just autistic lowkey..... he still a baller regardless tho

[kvnghs-archive]

hi. if you have shitty parents and a shitty relationship with them for whatever reason — i am your parent now. literally if you need to know something about laundry, dishes, life, butts...whatever, ask and ye shall receive the nonjudgmental advice you deserve ♥

ALSO while i'm bitching...'blood is thicker than water' is an incorrect quote and used incorrectly to guilt people into caring more for their blood family than their chosen friends. "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" is the correct quote, and used in a completely different manner than toxic family members use it. it literally means that the strong bonds you make with people that you go through life with by choice, is stronger than the bond held by the waters of the womb. THE BONDS YOU PERSONALLY CHOOSE TO MAKE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE ONES YOU ARE FORCED INTO BY BLOOD.

#i am goin thru it rn y'all #being an only child to a single mother who was the worst #and now in her old age she's alone and did this to herself #and wants to make me the bad person for not dropping everything for her #like sorry you only decided to apologize to me after i brought it up? #sorry the excuses don't work on me because i'm adult now? #idk man having an elderly parent you have a terrible relationship with is hard here #bc people think /i'm/ the bad guy without knowing anything #so i just deal with people thinking i'm a terrible person all the time #and i'm just...not :/// #it gets very tiring and i guess i'm tired of being the bad guy bc i'm really not #tbd

[milo-is-rambling]

Why do I feel guilty for being happy? Like I am happiest sitting in the trunk of the car at the lake alone reading and listening to music and watching movies and just being alone in the van and then I have to like force myself to get back in the drivers seat and go home to be alone at home like even if I did the same stuff in my bedroom it wouldn't make me happy the same way. I feel so bad for this change I feel like I'm avoiding my mom when I'm not it's just like memories of dad and friends I don't talk to anymore and like yeah it's just a lot easier to sit in the car and be happy so why do I feel so bad when I'm happy driving around

#i love my mom I love my bedroom I love my dog I love my house I love my yard and my neighbors but why did he have to die down the street #like dude #it's literally the closer I get to my house the worse this fucking black cloud is over my head #i just want to get away from it and the twenty minutes to drive to the lake seems to be just enough for me to get away from it all and just #live in the moment #and it's perfect. it's fucking perfect. but then I have to get up and go home cause I can't sit in the car forever #and I used to sit in the driveway at the old house parked for an hour after I got home #but now we've got real neighbors and no trees surrounding the yard we're so painfully visable to everyone I just want to sit outside but #also hide from the world at the same time and that's why I miss New England and trees surrounding my bedroom and climbing out my window to #smoke on a little wooden stool I made in eighth grade and I miss that old house so much and I can never go back and they cut all the trees #down anyways #the trees that watched me cry when I walked home from school and jump rope and laugh and smoke cigs with my best friend at the time and now #the trees are gone #it feels like a piece of me is still with that house in New Hampshire even though new people live there and maybe there's a part of my dad #there too that I'm not getting back #i can see him so clearly in my brain sitting at his desk in that house #i can see it clearer than I can see him anywhere in the new house he isn't with us he is in New Hampshire he isn't here it's so painfully #obvious that he isn't here anymore and it just hurts I don't wanna think about the house I just want to sit at the lake and cry in the trunk #like I'm doing rn cause fuck I made the tears happen thinking about New Hampshire and growing up and changing and death and my dad #it's just really hard to deal with sometimes and I had a great day today but I'm still ending it by crying

[certified-pretty-boy]

hi this is incredibly off topic and none of you need to read this i just needed to Vent for a sec

#hi yes i need to vent somewhere and this is the least likely place for the ppl i don't want to see this to accidentally see it #god today has been rough #in good news mentally I'm not actually that bad #like I'm really aware that today could've sucked more and mentally i feel pretty reasonable alk things considered #but I'm dealing with a flare up and i woke up today just so incredibly sick #had to replan my entire day cancel therapy couldn't take a shower etc #my heart has been acting up really bad and i literally spent the first like 6 hours of the day Shaking i was so ill #and i had a minor fall and just overall feel a little bruised and banged up #and it's also a Bad pain night my ribs are fucking killing me breathing is Excruciating #and that's with my usual meds + my as needed ones #and multiple people I'm really close to who live far away are having a really hard time rn #and it's been rough having to just...sit back and watch them hurt all alone #i did get some work done on one of my younger sibling's b-day gifts though so hey at least there's that #anyways I'm tired and i really need to give all my close friends a hug asap and also i would like to cry for an extended period of time #off topic #seriously i do not expect any of you to read this far i just needed to feel like i was Telling Someone #and everyone i feel close enough to to actually personally tell is having too hard of a time rn #so i am simply venting into the vortex that is the tags on tumblr 😂

[noxtivagus]

nah fuck

#delete later #when i said i was okay i genuinely was fine save for the physical pain but #how quick words that were once truths turn into lies huh? #ah fuck i want to block out the whole world. i want to destroy it all. it's all so fucking worthless #maybe hormones r just fucking me up rn n i'm just emotional but #no bcs i was doing emotionally decent earlier but i just rmbered smth n i feel like crying again #i want to disappear i want to hide i want to say goodnight #stupid mood swings . n i rmber again abt all the things i have to do rn & i want to focus on myself n my work but #it's september rn right? #two years ago i think i was in a similar predicament where i was drifting from both reality and fiction. from my life in general #distancing myself from others. stuck in that oblivion #i don't know why i've been more keenly remembering 2 years ago recently. #nah actually it's probably bcs they were the friend grp i had back then that i cld really share n be myself freely #but they knew the good n bad of me. ultimately decided to let me go in one of the darkest times of my life #which damaged me for a while bcs i struggled believing i was deserving of better but i ultimately became my own best friend #but that time in general was. a time where i was alone. deep in my passions. idling my time #a bit empty a bit lost. not exactly sure what i was doing in my life but i was content being alone before i realized how nice it was to #share yourself. if i wasn't alone then i'd love that again but in times where i'm tired n drained i just make even more failures #n i'm not sure how to face the ppl i care for when i'm dealing w the guilt of not doing more of what i could be capable of in a moment #from cringe tumblr stuff to irl problems. they supported my writing in a time where it was hard for me to have consistent inspo/motiv #nah every year i swear i meet new people n the story repeats. different ppl different chapters but same trope #last year with ffxiv. mostly the only ppl i talked w for the year ever since joining that fc in june. n to october i barely talked w others #this year i've been more attuned to my reality but i think i've been slowly losing sight of a part of myself that was strong #when i was alone. but i'm afraid that i'll experience that emptiness again from late 2020 to early 2021 #video games in general & ffxiv specifically helped fill that emptiness. it healed me. #i don't rmber much in those months other than ffxiv bcs i was still numb from smth unexpected that happened in earlier months #april i was stuck in the free trial n though i was enjoying myself i rmber feeling so lost n falling behind. finally buying on sale saved m #i'm too tired to think abt the present or future rn but that feels like a failure on my behalf n i can't rest #but then it also just still hurts. the same things. my friends are closer with others. when have i ever been the first choice? #everyone's special though. i'll keep on being myself then surely what is meant to happen will fall in time

[gachaparadise]

finishing up the Loufu story chapter and it's making me feel insane (positive)

#i spelled the name wrong and i don't feel like going to look it up sorry. space Liyue. you know. anway. #getting to see everything firsthand instead of just hearing about it is so different (obvs) it's so good #didn't think i could love DH more but like he makes me feel fucking ill. i love him. he deserves everything #also Cae is so so good this chapter. i love when he gets to speak #the undercover section was so so fun. the cloud knights VA did not have to go that hard but he did. for me <3 #i am even more into dan/cae then i was before if you can believe. they're so... WOOUGH #the scene after the DH dragon reveal where Cae won't talk to him ;a; everything to me. #the way they're trying so hard to get in contact w each other was just... yes thank you #i like DH's IL design more but i'm walking away feeling extremely loving and protective of 4* DH actually #he's a new and different person and this is how he chose to look. this is his fresh start #it's important to me. he's important to me. he has firmly cemented himself as my fave fr fr #i haven't finished yet but I do hope we get to see a little more of Bladie. #haven't witnessed his deal firsthand ingame yet and would like to. hope i come out loving him more then ever #this is really rambling but i'm lost in the sauce rn. i love it. having a good time ^w^)b #in other news #i need to finish the fg/o summer event and i have some rolls to post which i gotta do asap while they're relevant #i'll get to it. eventually. #game: honkai sr #post: chatter