#i'm feeling so fragile about this so be kind folks i beg

[mellaithwen]

Fragile lines (and wasted time)

7461 words || buck/eddie || spoilers/spec fic for 6x11 While Buck sleeps, and dreams in the aftermath of the lightning strike, Eddie tries desperately to hold himself together.

Eddie barely remembers being behind the wheel of the ambulance, but thinks he might have held his breath for the whole drive. His chest certainly aches as though he had, and when the doctors say they’ll do their best for Buck, after they’ve finally got his heart beating again, it takes all of Eddie’s energy just to shout back; “do more!”

—Buck? Buck! Buck, can you hear me? Buck! Talk to me—

Because their best isn’t good enough. There’s no viable outcome for any of them, that ends with Buck being anything but okay. 

He has to get through this, he has to. 

For a second Eddie’s footing falters. He’s dizzy from the adrenaline—his head pounding—his heart’s beating too fast, and his eyes are burning with unshed tears.

He makes a move towards the doors—towards Buck —desperate to be near, desperate to reach out and bring Buck back from the brink for as many times as the universe will allow— don’t take him, not him, please—

But Bobby stretches out his arm to halt his progress, and Eddie stops, stock-still until he can’t even see Buck through the triage doors anymore. 

Chimney’s silent despair at his back speaks volumes, and the quiet whimper that comes out of Hen’s mouth makes Eddie’s insides run cold. 

He turns around to face his teammates, his family, and when Bobby reaches out to hold Hen close in a comforting embrace, Eddie doesn’t hesitate to do the exact same for Chim. They gravitate closer to each other until all four of them are leaning in close—holding the line—shored against the fragments of every worst-case-scenario they can imagine.

Their gear, still saturated with rainwater, leaves a growing puddle on the linoleum floor beneath their feet where they’re standing, and all they can do now is wait.

(keep reading on ao3)

#911fic #911 fox #911 spoilers #eddie diaz #christopher diaz #911edit #buddie #buddie fic #evan buckley #the buckley diaz family #firefam #911 #911 on fox #911 fanfiction #911 fanfic #911 speculation #i'm feeling so fragile about this so be kind folks i beg #mellaithwen fanfic #mellaithwen edit

[xannerz]

👶 rambling/life update time-

After like 10+ years of being here, I've told myself I'd start limiting how open I am on Tunglr abt my personal life. And it's not so much b/c I feel like I overshare too much? It's a micro-blogging site at the end of the day, and w/ a p limited following, I don't think griping about work or family issues now and then is really damaging to me or my image (a positive of not being a Bopular Blogger 🤢).

Felt like I'd come off as a whiner at worst (smiles fondly at my newly-retired!personal tag), but I think it's fair to say most people on here are struggling one way or the other, and I'm not too invested in being an enigma. Was like that as a kid - would walk up to strangers and blab about my family's life story. Strangers found it funny and charming - my parents, on the other hand, not so much LMFAO

I'm chronically online LMAO but Tunglr's never been my primary outlet, and I'm grateful (so grateful) that I already have a p strong support network irl (though my personal coping skills have fallen off and I'm trying to work on that). I have a lot of local friends and each of them are so kind and special to me.

I think my wanting to create some distance through personal posts is... really just b/c I've had a smattering of kindauncomfortablefrustrating interactions w/ folks that felt. parasocial. And IK it was a result of me being v open about my feefees in rb tags and personal posts. And Idk, after the last one or two interactions, I think I'm ready to ig choose not to talk about everything that happens as much?? it's still my blog, and I noticed I havent been chattering away as much lately anyway, but yeah.

I like that people can feel comfortable with me. It's cool. (And funny, b/c most people tell me I'm chill, but another friend's told me that I'm intimidating irl and i'm like girl what absolutely not I just hate everyone at this party LMFAOO--)

But I think it's just worth carving out some silent boundaries b/c the only conclusion I can reach is that those negative interactions in the past were just a result of - idk. People projecting enough onto me/our relationship just b/c of how open I can be on my own blog??? ykwim??

I hate saying this b/c it feels like a giant "dni! ever!" when it's not; it's more abt me filtering myself to help avoid negative interactions w/ people i barely know. I like talking to people! I like that I'm approachable (or so I'm told LMFAO), and I like to interact w/ folks!-- but I think when you get DMs from ppl acting like you've known each other for your entire life (not just respectful and friendly ykwim)-- that's... that's not great LMFAO it puts a burden on me to dance around that without being an asshole about it b/c i dont like brInging the hAmMER down on someone unless i really have to. idk if the person on the other end is in a fragile state or not, and it's easier not to up the chances of me triggering some weird meltdown.

with that said (time for a hard left here!!!). I've been stressed. I've been at the lowest point of my life for a while now - mentally, physically, financially. I'm extremely sleep deprived b/c I've been (predictably) fussing over Vigo for days. I'll be gone next week, but he's been responding well to his heart meds so I have to have faith he'll be okay while I'm out of town. My dr was begging me to enjoy this vacation b/c I look like a zombie. I'm gonna try to take it easy. I can't, really, but I'll try! I'll try.

I'll drop updates if Vigo's condition changes, but I'm relieved he's doing okay. Honestly, if it weren't for his breathing, you wouldn't even know his murmur's advanced at all. I'm grateful he still has an appetite and light in his eyes. I love this dog, man. He's just such. such a good boy. But there's just too much going on, and it's good for me to be cognizant about how focusing on my personal journal and crafts would be better for me in the long run, than expose myself to folks who simply might get the wrong idea about who I am, and DM me acting like we're best friends like whoareyougetoutofmyhouse i'm not your mother LMAO

ok. ok i feel better now. im gonna prep frozen boba from the freezer. peace and blessings on this friday ✊😔💖

#long winded but ive been dwelling on this for a while #i dont mean to make it sound like i get DMs all the time either but it's happened enough yk LMFAO #sirxantalksalot #new personal tag LMAO #might change it again tho who knows!!

[fasterthanmydemons]

I'm so sorry you lost a loved one but let me tell you that what you do deserves so much admiration; you managed to turn your pain into something to improve your writing and understanding of the twins if they lost the other. Turning tragic events of one's own life into something that can help you be better at something takes a tremendous amount of strength and you deserve so much credit for it! I also headcanon Pietro as the "weaker" one I just want to protect him. I think Mantis could help him.

{out of breath} Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that. I just thought I would offer some of my own perspective, since I’ve gotten comments over the course of writing Wanda that I make her too emotional, all she thinks about is Pietro, she cries too much, things like that. And I hadn’t realized until people complained about that sort of stuff that I was just  going off of my own experiences since the MCU provided me with absolutely nothing to indicate Wanda’s actual grieving process. But like her, I am an intuitive, empathetic, emotional individual, and so I figure well, she might feel and do similar things when processing her grief.

I’m three years out from the death of my loved one, and I can say that I still have nightmares about being with them when they died, I still cry at random references in movies and songs to people losing a loved one in a similar way, and even random things like people on news broadcasts crying about loved ones they lost suddenly for whatever reason will make me cry. Sometimes I have really lucid dreams where I can clearly hear my loved one’s voice, see their face, feel them hug me, smell their shampoo or other things they used to use, they say things they used to say to me... and it seems so incredibly real. And those dreams are either happy or I’m like sobbing in the dream and begging them to stay with me. But either way when I wake up, reality hits me in the face and I just wish I could go back to the dream world. Like I’d rather be there with them than here alone, heh.

It sounds stupid, but things like this happen on a regular basis for me, three years out from their death. On a daily basis people will say something that will remind me of them, or a song will come on the radio that they loved, or just any number of the multitudes of things we used to share and love together... and it’s just either complete rage that they’re gone too soon or sudden grief that hits me so hard I can’t not cry. I hate it when it happens when I’m driving because then I have to pull the car over, heh.

But my point is... that’s the reality of being very emotionally attached and even emotionally dependent on a person and losing them unexpectedly. Three years after they’re gone, your life still revolves around the way they used to be in your life. I still, even after this long, have that feeling of just waiting for my life to stop being so strange and go back to normal. So imagine now, Wanda... three days out from Pietro dying. Or three months. She is not going to be okay. Civil War took place what, less than a year after Ultron? And the Avengers cleared her to be in the field on an actual mission? I think that was very irresponsible of them.

And I’m not by any means mad at or trying to call out people who kinda complain that my Wanda is different than in the movies. She is, heh. That’s why I say canon-divergent on her blog. But really, it just goes to show that like... people that don’t know Wanda from the comics and don’t know how emotional she can get, and people who don’t have writer’s brains who are constantly filling in the blanks between the lines of canon material with their own extrapolations, interpretations, and imagination, really only take canon at face value. So yeah, my Wanda does cry a lot more, and mention Pietro all the time, and seem a lot more broken and unable to move past his death, but that’s because to me and drawing from my own experiences, that’s more realistic to me than never mentioning him ever again and never shedding a tear for him past the immediate time after he died. But I also write her with muses that are helping her to cope and adjust and process everything afterward. I do write her being strong despite feeling torn in half by Pietro’s death. So it’s not a static state for her to be in that much despair, but it is an important part of her character, her life, her development to go through this really dark period. 

I haven’t had nearly as much of a chance to write Wanda post-Endgame, and I feel like now that WandaVision is looming, a lot of the AUs I would come up with obvious don’t lead into that kind of... strangeness? XD (Although I do have a starter inspired by the concept of WandaVision and by what happened in the comics right here if anyone is interested in reading it.) But I would love to explore how different the loss of Vision is as opposed to Pietro. She loved Vision, but Pietro was her other half, really. No loss is ever going to hit her as hard as Pietro’s. Having said that, I feel like... you know when people’s pets die and they run right out and get a replacement animal to kindof “transfer the love?” I’m guilty of that, haha. I feel like Wanda needed someone to love and Vision was there and she had a connection to him through the mind stone, and he did save her life, and so maybe under other circumstances she might not have looked to him or felt the same about him, but having lost Pietro, I think maybe she tried to fill some of that void with Vision. She’s older after Endgame, things have set in with Pietro, but Vision’s loss is still new. She’s a different person after Pietro, and now she’s changing again without Vision. So... I would love to explore how her grief differs with that loss vs. Pietro’s.

And now... as to the last part of your ask... I haven’t seen the Guardians of the Galaxy movies, and Mantis was never one I followed in the comics, so I only know her from Infinity War and Endgame. But I thought she was absolutely adorable, haha. But yeah, Pietro is physically strong, physically healthier, stronger in personality as far as being forceful and extroverted, but Wanda is emotionally stronger. She can overcome so much more emotionally than Pietro can, and she doesn’t really even believe that that’s true. The thing with Wanda is that she has fairly low self-esteem at various points in her life, and so if she’s told that she’s not good enough or if she’s left to think that herself and given someone like Pietro who will always protect, always shield, always do for her... she will just allow that person to take care of her. And she’ll just believe that she’s so fragile and needs that sort of support from someone. But the reality is that she can survive and endure and overcome just fine all on her own. Unfortunately to realize that, she has to be forced to do it, by losing her loved ones or being pushed into situations that leave her with no choice but to adapt or die. Pietro, if given the same choice, would let himself die, either through a conscious choice or simply because he would succumb to his own despair.

How could Mantis help him, though? Like I said, I’m really not familiar with her, although I did notice in Infinity War that she had some mental abilities like Wanda. Could she help to sort of even out Pietro’s emotions or something? I don’t even know anyone who rps Mantis but that would be an interesting plot to do, heh.

Okay why can I never answer an ask like this without gabbing on for four miles, haha. I’m sorry for the word spam folks. XD But thank you for sending in these asks, I love them! =)