#i'll probably delete this later but whatever

[peachdoxie]

I don't think I ever really processed the trauma I went through in OCD treatment and reblogging that comic about OCD the other day really triggered me and arghhhhhhh I don't know what to do about it. Thoughts I guess.

The main thing is like, any time I would express doubts that I actually have OCD, my therapist (who specialized in OCD) would tell me that doubting that I have OCD is actually a very common symptom of OCD, and it felt like he refused to actually listen to my doubts when I was like "my avoidance happens because there's some block in my brain that I can't get past and it's not rooted in anxiety."

Like, because he thought I had OCD that meant that any thought or behavior I expressed automatically was because of OCD and not like, adhd, autism, fibromyalgia, sensory processing disorder, etc. It felt like my only options were to agree with him (which I didn't want to do because I don't!) or continue arguing and therefore just confirm what he already thought.

And like honestly it made me almost question my sense of reality when I was like "I'm avoiding this thing because I'm worried the physical exertion will trigger an asthma attack or tachycardia event or fibromyalgia flare up or migraine" and he'd be like "but what if it doesn't and you're fine?" and I was like "I can't take that risk because of how long it takes me to recover from these health issues" then he'd say "OCD treatment is about learning that you can and have to work through discomfort and, yes, even pain" and honestly if not for the fact that I have a strong sense of self and years of experience to back this up, I might have started to doubt that my health issues were really as bad (even though they are!) as I was perceiving them.

Like one exercise I had to do was increase my anxiety (to show myself that I can handle anxiety) by hyperventilating through a coffee stirrer for a set number of seconds, and I was supposed to do it even if I was going to black out but when I said I felt like that was too risky for me because of the aforementioned health issues (the tachycardia especially) he just kept trying to convince me to do it even though I kept saying I don't think I should!

And he kept suggesting things to convince me to do tasks, like if I don't do xyz by our next appointment I have to donate ALL of my savings to a political cause I disagree with, and I was like "that just creates more anxiety for me because I genuinely do not think I can do this thing because my brain won't let me!" That was the last session I saw him because I cancelled after that.

Honestly I think the main reasons OCD therapy was so traumatic for me were 1) I constantly felt invalidated when I expressed concerns and 2) I was being misinterpreted by someone who refused to listen to me. That second one is something that actually really bothers me a lot and some of the biggest falling outs I've had with friends in high school were when they misinterpreted something I said as malicious and used it against me. But the invalidation of my concerns goes right along with it.

The thing is too the part of me that does have perseverance and anxiety—not the logical side of me, that is—still worries that maybe he was right all along and I do have OCD and all of my problems are just because I don't think I can do something so I don't, even though my logical brain can point to all of the evidence contrary to that worry.

Like yeah, I do have intrusive thoughts that cause my anxiety, but I'm pretty good at handling them. And my avoidance is based in past experience of "if I trigger one of my health issues by doing one of these specific things that have triggered them in the past, it will make the rest of my week very difficult as I struggle to recover and play catch-up." It's like, what anxiety I have is most often based in very real, very tangible worries—and even now, I'm struggling not to start spiraling about it, so I'll stop before I get there.

Tbh the only good thing to come out of those six months of hell was the conclusion that the vast majority of my problems aren't caused by anxiety and that there is something else going on, whether it's autism, adhd, fibromyalgia, or whatever. I'm not sure it outweighs the trauma, but hey I learned something I guess.

Tbh I try not to be too pissed at myself for seeking OCD treatment in the first place and basically wasting my leave of absence by making minimal progress. I decided to listen to the therapist who diagnosed me (different from the OCD treatment therapist) instead of going with my idea of seeking help from an autism/adhd therapist, because I tend to defer to authorities on things like that—though I will say, the negativity and fearmongering on Tumblr around getting autism/adhd diagnoses certainly didn't help.

I think overall it's frustrating because I will never get closure with the OCD therapist. He will always have misinterpreted me and refused to listen to me, and I'll just have to live with that.

It's also frustrating because I don't think either therapist necessarily did anything wrong, per se, since they were looking at what evidence they had from their experience in their fields, which certainly biased them—and they both admitted to me that they don't know much about autism or adhd, and I should have taken that as a yellow flag and bailed sooner—and I'm going to shut up because the spiral is starting again.

Anyway if you read all this, thanks I guess. I'm mostly just train of thought writing to get the thoughts out of my head (perseveration is a symptom of OCD but also of adhd/autism and I need to keep reminding myself that). Please don't give me advice or suggest I reach out to either therapist please. Compassion only.

Please also don't try to convince me that I do have OCD because I don't need someone encouraging my anxiety spiral.

#anecdotes by peachdoxie #I'll probably delete this later but whatever

[iti-iskuna]

i hope you know i'm still here. i hope you know you can call me anytime. i hope you know i still care about you. i hope you know i never left.

#smob #i dont know if you ever check up on my blog or even remember it #but i'll admit to checking up on yours from time to time #and if you ever see this know that i'm still here #i don't have any expectations of what things between us should or will look like #i don't expect you to do anything beyond what you want to do #but no matter what happens know that i am still here for you as your friend #and that i will always care about you #you can call/text me any time and i will answer #i hope you're okay #and even though we may never talk again and thats okay #i sincerely hope we do talk again and that we can be friends one day #i never left you i promise #i'll probably delete this later but whatever

[crowfromfoggyforest]

Who else up having gender thoughts

I'm thinking about names. About how i've found a name that makes me feel euphoric when it's used online + a list of other names that i love and that i'd love to switch between for the perfect gender gremlin chaos... but how i'll probably never feel comfortable with them irl. Because my brain is weird and will go into "look for all the signs you just made a grave mistake" mode the second someone uses them in front of me. (I don't expect anyone to get this. It might also have to do with it making me painfully aware of the fact i'll never feel like any name is truly me...) In any case, using it irl will ruin any name for me.

So i'll either have to stick with my birthname forever (because it makes me uncomfortable but i've gotten used to it) - or i'll go by a name that absolutely doesn't match me or my gender and that isn't dear to me. Like Tobias. Or Michael. Because then, nothing can feel off, nothing can be ruined - that name clearly isn't me, and clearly wasn't the "right" name choice anyways. So i guess... that would actually give me the most gender euphoria.

Idk. Gender is weird, names are weird, my brain is weird. I should probably go to sleep.

#the brain weirdness i'm talking about is probably just autism lol #anyways call me whatever you want #but i guess my name is currently ciel #nonbinary #names #gender thoughts #probably autistic #posts where i say i'll delete them later but i never actually do

[ftm-megamind]

me and my boyfriend are sooo javid (he invited me over for a family dinner)

#jokes aside i am so fucking NERVOUS ABOUT THAT LIKE ??? #it's not like i don't know his parents/family. i do. i saw them plenty. still. oh my god #it's his father's birthday dinner too #i think im going to die actually #which is irrational because like #he went to a family party with me and it wasn't a big deal. i mean i was delighted that he was there. but nobody made it a big deal #so i'll probably be fine #still. you get why im nervous about this #while i adore him more than life itself we're still at a point where like. im not fully comfortable around his parents #because like. obviously. i have no idea if they even like me #i mean they probably asked him to invite me so they must like me at least a little #still...... #fuck. why am i even going off about this in my tumblr tags. whatever man #delete later #vent but like don't take this too seriously!!! just going bonkers #also can you tell i love talking about him

[wongyuuu]

so, hi!

i just wanted to say that starting this sunday i'll be blocking all empty blogs. if you don't have a icon, header and at least a couple posts on your blog you'll be soft blocked.

though my fics have a high number of notes, recently i felt like i've been writing into the void. and when that happens i always get the feeling that what i write is not even worth a comment. i'd much rather have a smaller number of notes if it means i'll have more interaction with those who read

i've asked, i begged, and nothing seems to work. this is my last try at this thing

#no one will see this so it's whatever at this point #today i got tagged in a fic rec post and i was happy #then i noticed that person who tagged me #never interacted with that fic #so i get in this space where i think i'm asking for too much #but then at the same time i just go... i just wanted to know if you liked it? #i hate to be this person you know #who needs this sort of validation from others #i hate that people only read if there's smut in it #if it's just the smut then even better #but still no interaction #i'll probably delete this these tags later #i just wanted to vent

[bsaka7]

return to pierresteban

“I beat you,” Pierre says and the words fall hard from his mouth, like pebbles dropping into the smooth surface of a pond. The ripples go out in a circle, each their own tiny wave of energy, of life. They lap against the shore, uneven. The grass waves, gentle. He’s fighting, against Esteban, against time, against nothing. He’s not trying to be mean about it, maybe, or maybe he is. He did. He shouldn’t have. He did.

“And how many DNFs did you have?” Esteban doesn’t ask it as a question, not really. It isn’t a question. He knows the answer. It was one. He says it in that kind of flippant way where it’s true, too true not to feel like a knife, but not important enough to twist it. He knows how it went, for him, for Esteban. They can blame the car. They can blame each other.

Pierre doesn’t bother to answer. Esteban doesn’t bother to look at him. The lung virus, the mechanical issues, the crash with Pierre, with the wall, in the first lap, whatever. The season is over. It doesn’t matter anymore. Esteban is four points behind Pierre in the standings, the only four points that matter in the history books. Esteban will remember every race. He will remember the way his stomach heaved and his vision blurred. He will remember Pierre, stupid and shiny, the flick of his tongue. He already remembers Pierre, tiny and bright and angry. He didn’t miss him. He doesn’t.

“Right,” Esteban says, quiet. He’s not being mean. There’s no point to it right now, though the urge wells up inside of him, sharp at the thought. He can feel Pierre’s gaze on his cheek, his neck, slipping away, the heat of it. It was a good season, wasn’t it. The car wasn’t great, but they scored points. They both got podiums. Esteban got sick, Esteban got tired. He broke up with his girlfriend or his girlfriend broke up with him. He and Pierre aren’t friends. They couldn’t be.

“Right.” Esteban’s eyes snap to him like magnets. Pierre looks skinny, wrung out, scruffy. Handsome, maybe, if that were a word Esteban could use. Ready for the offseason. Esteban is ready to see his family, for Mick to come visit, to sink into the couch and watch stupid movies and not think about how the end is nearer than the start. There’s no end to Pierre. Esteban only half-remembers the start.

A banging noise in the distance breaks the silence. “See you after the break,” Pierre says. It shouldn’t be an offering. It should taste like ash in Esteban’s mouth, like pondwater, like scum. Esteban imagines he can hear the hum of the lights.

“See you,” he says, instead of opening his mouth wide and saying something he shouldn’t, tight and frustrated and tired. Pierre turns away. Pierre’s right. He won. Esteban thinks they’re getting too old for this. His knees have started hurting when he climbs out of the car, not stopping for hours. He’s getting too old, if all he’s going to do is lose, make excuses. Pierre quirks an eyebrow. Esteban shakes his head. One more year, he thinks. One more year.

#Rpf mention #Remembered this is my blog so I can post what I want #I'll probably delete later but u can rb or whatever idc

[tezzbot]

I haven't posted anything except that tiny Tails doodle in . six days . since I posted that team sky Vanilla design.

Feels bad man.

#Like I know I'm not a content machine or whatever but #my notifs being basically dead is killing me #theres always that fear of. I'll start posting again and no one will care yknow #forgorren lol #tezztalks #I'll prob delet this later on #don't worry bout lil old me I'll probably be alright lmfao #it has been! A draining week!!!

[dandyshucks]

ouhhhh the neighbour doesn't have any supplies of her own for crochet and I'm teaching her and my mother today starting in just over an hour

and i am ... not selfish with my supplies but i am unemployed and living off a very tight budget (cannot purchase any more yarn for projects unless i manage to do some pretty spectacular savings on my groceries for the month which is... not very doable) so I'm a tad worried she's going to be good at crocheting and want to Make Something with the yarn that i do have fjdskl and I would normally be totally fine with that but considering there's basically nowhere in town to buy yarn (i've had to buy online) and shipping is $20+ lately, that's not exactly a great thing for me right now 🧍‍♂️

#but i feel terrible for worrying about this fdsjkl like it feels selfish and greedy to worry #however. she is employed. as is her husband. and i have been unemployed (due to disability lol) and have had zero income for three yrs #just living off savings and watching it get drained slowly all away by my parents charging me rent to live in the basement fdsjkl #(and i realize i am very very lucky to have had so much in my savings account that i'd been stashing away since my first job in gr 8 lol) #so um... i think perhaps she should go to walmart and buy whatever random skein they have on the bare shelves #in NORMAL circumstances i'd be totally fine to share my supplies #i love teaching ppl and sharing my crafts !!! i love helping ppl make art !! i am normally very happy to share and give away !! #this is not normal circumstances though i am so stressed about even just buying groceries lately fdsjkl #AUUGHH i was just hoping she'd got some sort of beginner's kit or smth already fdsjkl #im probably worrying about nothing though fdsjkl like crochet takes a while to get the hang of #and hopefully by the time we have our next ''lesson''/teaching session she will have acquired at least some yarn of her own #and unfortunately i cannot lend her any of my hooks bc i am working on a project that requires the hooks i'd normally lend #vent // #dandy.cmd #I'LL DELETE THIS LATER BTW SORRY i just have to yell somewhere so i dont cry and panic dsfjkl i got myself so worried over this

[thornheartless]

They weren't lying, that pain sure is chronic

#i'll delete this later probably #i am just in so much pain right now #it has been significantly worse than usual this week #but right now it's #it hurts to walk #it hurts to stand #it hurts to sit down #it hurts to lay down #i've been dealing with this since 2019 and it was more manageable until it started getting progressively worse in 2021? 2022? #hard to think accurately right now #anyway i've been extremely reluctant about even acknowledging it as chronic pain because 'other people have more pain i think' #'i can still walk fine' thorn you are limping 24/7 now and it's painful that's probably not walking fine #i don't exactly like going to the doctors but i'm hoping to get an appointment with my gp next week #because if i carry on like this then it is going to get worse and worse #i can't not know what this is anymore because i really need some form of help for whatever it is #thorn talks

[randamir]

"found family" isn't a literal term and does not necessarily mean the characters see each other as parents/siblings/children etc. sometimes it just means they are so close they are more than friends and they would trust each other with anything. family but with no specified roles or relationship. yknow like. family friends. 'you are not related to me but you are a part of this' type friends.

#it's not always that deep #I'll probably delete later I'm just getting a little tired of people disliking the term when they're just taking it too literally #also funny to complain about this in one fandom when #the characters themselves are frequently referring to each other as family but not ahead as brothers or kids or parents or whatever #posts for the modren era

[insaneillusionist]

I love searching for mental illness tags I can pin on myself so I can fix what's wrong with me like a little checklist.

Anyway if anyone tries to suggest I might have a specific mental illness unless I ask for you to tell me, I will most likely block you or ignore that. This is one of the few boundaries I am forming, and it is a hard one.

#my random stuff #delete later #It really worsened my already bad mental breakdown and I am so close to snapping again #So fuck off cuz I know I'm broken and I don't need you to pretend there's a cure #Or that you think you know me #And I will most certainly lose it if you say “oh you have this probably” and then when I ask why say absolutely jack fucking shit #I am so fucking tired of that #And especially of oh we need more info maybe do that and then i give info and it's triggering #yes i am vaguing at this point #like yes i get it hurts and honestly i probably shouldn't have said such things in main chat tbf i didn't know they'd trigger ppl and I was #'t told but I do really have no excuse #But I am still pissed off #Anyway tell me that you think I have a certain mental illness and i'll fucking rip you to shreds #end rant i guess whatever

[werewolf4vampire]

what are we even doing here man

#what is going on. what is with this weird spike of anti-intellectualism irt addiction on this website #sorry i'll probably delete this later cause like. whatever but it's just so baffling to me #darryl speaks

[willardslove]

they could never make me hate you Charlie Sheen

#i'll probably delete this later. whatever #charlie sheen #txt

[fragmentedblade]

Argenti is actually pretty Lancelotcoded, he is deranged and even suicidal. I adore him

#I didn't expect to like him this much considering what I had seen in leaks and trailers #but he is actually not just a cringe fail man with a flare (which is also good) #he is also a wet sad man trying desperately to get close enough to something dead that he'd get a glimpse of it and its light again #He can have a piece of my heart for this after all #However‚ yet again‚ why am I like this lol #He started talking about how getting as close to death as possible is the way he has to get the shadow of the shadow #of the probable hallucination of the echo of Idrila‚ and that's the path he must walk because seeing them even if it's not real is his wish #and I could feel myself grow fonder with every word. Awww of course I'll let you try to die in the pursue of your wish. Of course #What's with me and borderline when not straight up suicidal characters what the hell #Anyway... Get in the car. I'll take you and Blade get some cookies or popcorn‚ or whatever you want. Blade's already in the car just hop in #I talk too much #I should probably delete this later #I honestly was expecting him to lean more towards Galah.ad or Perziva.l perhaps. That he has the Lancelo.t air has won me over for sure #I'm sorry call me basic but Lancelo.t is my favourite

[strangefable]

just have to crylaugh when a perfectly random innocuous thing slams into you like a fucking freight train and reminds you that no, actually, you're never going to stop being traumatized about your dead parents

#just kidding i'm actually such a fucking sobbing wreck i called my boss and took the day off #over a stupid fucking youtube video of all things #i can't remember my dad's voice and it's killing me #so many little things are just... gone... forgotten to time #and i'm aching so bad #hey universe maybe next time just send someone to stab me it would hurt less #sorry to traumadump on tungl dot com and whatever but i need to get this out somehow and this is what's open in front of me so... sorry #maybe i'll get embarrassed or some shit and delete it later idk #but right now i just fucking need to pour this out somewhere that's louder than just screaming into my pillow #on grief #tw death #tw dead parents #tw grief #and to anyone who's worried i'm sorry i'll be fine i promise i'm just having a bad grief day they happen #and i get stupid and scream so i don't choke like i used to #this is probably healthier than bottling it up right? lmao i don't even fucking know i'm just a wreck don't mind me

[dakethumoses]

someday soon i will write a post abt the ... idk how to phrase it, which is why i haven't written it. handholding? of people just disappearing and not replying and being gone for months. and i get it, i've done it too while having a Bad Time but there's this weird self-congratulatory "i'm not a caller. or texter. or facetimer. i think of you sometimes and if you're not psychic that's on you" "i have no relationship decay so even if i dont talk to you for months i still love you" avoidant behavior posts and it just. idk.

#whoops didnt mean to leave you #on read for months #as the one who tries to be really understanding of people Having Things Going On. hh #it really sucks the number of friends who have disappeared for weeks/months and then came back and was like . and it also makes me feel like #do love them. but it also means i never feel like i can reach out or rely on them or tell them things about how im doing on an emotional le #el. like i'm always trying to find a reason for them to come back. idk. ghosting culture makes me sad. this makes me sad. i'm lonely. and t #en i feel worse for being sad about this/wanting a reply bc i know they're probably busy and i don't want them to prioritize me or feel lik #i want them to prioritize me over the important things. it just makes me sad. whatever i am extremely lonely and looping debt by eliza mcla #i'll probably delete this later #.txt