#i’m straight chillin on my last day off before the weekend

[attemptinghaikyuu]

Fake Dating: Sugawara

A/n: I’m not sure if I made him chaotic enough, but we can hope~

G/n reader

Sugawara Koushi

Being best friends with Asahi, you end up being at volleyball practice an unnecessary amount

You’re not part of the club, but at this point you might as well be

You and Asahi just kinda drag each other everywhere??

During your time at the club you become friends with the rest of the third years

It’s a tight knit group

You always eat lunch together, and during this time you notice that most other students avoid your general area

Which makes sense, y’all get pretty loud

Daichi’s yelling about the first years needing to work together, Asahi’s trying to not get in the way, Kiyoko’s just chillin, and you and Suga are laughing at it while simultaneously poking fun at Daichi

You make him even madder then he was to start with, and now you’re both regretting it

Suga and you are definitely the most childish in your group

At least that’s what Daichi says, but pffft, what does he know??

It’s not like you both snuck out at night to grab ingredients for a cake for the volleyball team once... and then made it spicy as a prank....

Definitely didn’t do that😬

Your similar interests in causing messes help cement your friendship

But you both have your own ways of cheering people up and that’s how you first genuinely connected and became friends

Being besties with Asahi means needing to comfort him on the daily, not that you mind <3

Being there for Asahi makes you happy, you give him hugs when he needs them and joke about the aces on the other teams not being able to match Asahi’s strength

Suga’s way of cheering others up are hits of love

A bonk to the head and a few words of reassurance to get his friends and teammates feeling better is his go to

Sometimes you team up to encourage someone who’s really down or nervous

By the time you’re both done the person has so much confidence, they probably think they could receive a ball (cough, Hinata, cough)

There’s also the rare occasion where you both turn to encouraging each other

It almost always turns into a competition of who can make the other feel better

These encouragement battles have the whole team gathering around to see who wins

The volleyball team also have to pull you both apart after you start aggressively caring for one another a little too much

It’s a friendship you can’t imagine being without, one where you can go to one another when somethings wrong

You usually go to Asahi when you have a problem though

However, the thing currently plaguing you is something you need Sugawara’s help in

It’s surprisingly easy to explain what’s going on and how you plan on handling it

He straight up agrees because he’s thinking this’ll be free entertainment and he’s pretty sure this will work out for you

Your idea is to gouge your best friends reaction to you dating someone because maybe you have a small crush 👉👈

Okay sO ITS HUGE AND YOU WANT TO SMOOCH ASAHI

So you’re gonna find out if he feels the same through the only idea without you confessing best idea ever conceived

You’re actually really nervous and sweaty when you see Suga before practice at the time you agreed on to tell Asahi

Suga’s smiling and seems relatively relaxed (he’s panicking on the inside, he doesn’t know what he’s doing), and you try to copy him as you spot Asahi

Waving him over, you consider bolting and going home to scream in your pillow, as he gives you a smile asking if everything’s alright

You stand there for a solid minute just thinking how to start this

Then Suga grabs your hand, making you jump as he says, “Y/n and I just wanted to tell you that we’re dating!”

Asahi makes a squeak and stares at you two in shock before chuckling

“I wondered whether you two liked each other,” He pats your head and continues, “I’m happy for you guys.”

You’re smile is strained as you nod and reply with a happy yep!

Aware of the concerned look and small squeeze from Suga’s hand as Asahi goes in the gym, you turn to quietly thank him for helping out, so you can leave as quickly as you can, when you hear deafening WOOOO’s

Looking to the gyms entrance, just in time to see Noya and Tanaka come running out, yelling about how lucky you and Suga are

Uh oh

Before you know it the whole team is around you asking questions like when you got together and who asked who out

Asahi comes over with a smile and tells everyone to leave the new couple alone

So that’s fun :,)

The whole team thinks you’re dating now and if you say you aren’t, then you’ll have to explain to Asahi why you did this

Making an in the minute decision, you answer some questions, “I asked Suga out! And I did it in the middle of one of our compliment battles.”

Suga knows what you’re doing, figuring he agreed to this, he goes along with it hoping you’re alright

Daichi pats you both on the back after the team’s interrogation

Frustration from the situation you’ve put yourself in, has you in near tears, when you finally get to apologize to Suga

Pulling you in for a hug he apologizes too

“You’re not the only one who got themselves into this mess, I did agree to it after all.” He frowns, “I really thought Asahi liked you, that’s why I said yes, so don’t worry. We’re in this together.”

A very radical conversation later, and you’ve decided to keep the dating act up for three months before telling everyone you broke up and we’re better as just friends

Nothing has changed besides you trying to be as close to Suga as possible when Asahi’s around

Daichi ends up asking if you guys actually like the other when you’ve been acting so off as of late

Asahi gives you a concerned look and asks if everything’s going okay as well

If I’m being honest, no Asahi it’s not, and yA WANNA KNOW WHY, I CAN TELL YOUAJTGBGVWZ

You refuse to tell Asahi about your feelings so you and Suga step up your fake dating game😤

You end up holding hands constantly, it’s really comforting??

He squeezes it when he see’s you stressing and it helps calm you down, like it’s super grounding

You make him lunches as thanks sometimes

He knows how to make you feel better and you can’t help but start to search for him when ever you want a hug

A cold day after practice when you’re walking home with Suga you both decided that was a couple thing to do and now you walk each other home he gives you his jacket since you forgot

He’s blushing, Suga really didn’t know you’d look so cute in it

He’s giving it to you constantly after

He gets incredibly hyped about you wearing his jacket, so much so, that you’re a little embarrassed

But... it makes you happy to have someone who cares so much and gets excited at the little things you do🥺🥺

You grab his spare jersey (with the help of Kiyoko) and start wearing it to all his games

He cries the first time he sees you do it

Sugawara isn’t a star player, he isn’t even a starting player, you choosing to wear his jersey has him feeling bubbly and warm inside

He can’t stop hugging you when the games over, he literally refuses to let you go

Not that you care, you love Suga’s hugs

They’re encompassing and safe

You don’t remember when you started talking to Asahi again, but sometime in this fake dating you found you were fine talking with him

You’re actually gushing about Suga and the small study date you have this weekend with him, when he brings up “You have actual hearts in your eyes when you’re with Suga, ya know?”

That makes you stop because what?? You still like Asahi right?

Or wait...

You gasp, startling Asahi as you realize who you like

Panic wraps around you and your friend, noticing tries to reassure you, “Sugawara does the same thing too, he really likes you okay?”

Gulping you ask “He does?”

Once he reassures that Suga does in fact have heart eyes for you, you have a slight confidence boost

Just enough to run to find Suga

He was on his way to the gym when he heard you calling him

He turns, brightening when he sees you running up to him panting

His smile gives you an extra push to finish your impulsive choice

“You’re incredible Suga, whenever I’m with you, I feel like I can take on the would! It’s like you know exactly what I need! When I see your smile after one of my bad jokes, my bad days become good ones!”

Pausing when you see Suga getting ready to join in on your compliment train, you push out the last bit. “You make me incredibly happy! And I have to ask if you’d be my boyfriend beCAUSE ID LOVE TO DATE YOU.”

Suga’s shocked

And then he’s trying to stop himself from crying

Your feeling both relieved and sick to your stomach as this happens

Maybe Suga doesn’t actually like you?? This was probably a mistake wasn’t it????

Before your overthinking can continue, Suga gives you a small kiss

He smiles as he leans his forehead on yours, murmuring “I’d love to date you.”

#haikyuu x gender neutral reader #haikyuu!! #haikyuu sugawara #sugawara x gender neutral reader #sugawara koushi #sugawara x reader #sugawara x y/n #sugawara x you #fake dating #fluff #haikyuu imagines #I’m: tired #feeling: sleep deprived #hotel: trivago

[emmyrosee]

give us a random headcanon go 👀

UHM OK

So

This got long and kind of angsty I’m SORRY-

Axel and Mark are brothers. Axel’s older than mark by a fairly big margin so he offers that good ol’ elder brother wisdom™️ and Mark isn’t always here for it.

Axel’s had to drag mark out of parties more times than he can count, some because he was worried about his lil bro, some because he wasn’t answering moms texts and axel wasn’t about to let him make their momma feel bad.

Like this one time, their mom was punishing Mark for being completely shitfaced and missing something for their grampa, and Mark straight up snuck out of his room, no note, no regards, nothing, and with his mom fearing the absolute worst, that she’d lost her son, her baby, Axel quickly tracked down his brother and hauled his drunk ass right back home, speeding so fast mark was puking in the truck, yelling at him so bad mark pouted, and by the time they got home his brother was just a needy, scolded mess, and their mom was all over him, taking care of him and letting him puke and whine about his tummyache, and if she needed Axel to get anything, he did, not questions asked.

When mark was going through his first serious breakup, Axel really stepped forwards to work him back to normal, doing things with him other than just drinking the problems away like his friends wanted to. They went to cheap bowling alleys and drank cheap beer, they would drive around at 2 am, blasting music as they passed a joint, and it was probably the first real time- like honest, true, raw- that Mark learned it was okay to be a man and cry. He was hitting Axel, screaming and telling him she was every terrible name under the sun and that Axel had no idea what the fuck Mark went through to try to keep her happy.

When Axel pulled over, he shoved Mark back a little, just enough to straighten him back, telling him to stop being a pussy and just embrace it. She was gone. She was no good for him, and she was gone. She broke his heart, it was okay to be sad, and Mark wore his vocal chords raw with his sobs and shrieks of despair. “Why doesn’t she fucking want me, Axe? What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing, dude,” he promises over his brothers tears. “You’re at a stupid age where love doesnt mean shit to nobody. Fuck, I am too. But right now, you’re sad because you’re alone, and one day you’re going to find someone, and they’re going to make you fear a lot of things more important than just ‘being alone.’ Trust me dude. You’re too fucking young to get that.”

They don’t talk about that night often. Axel’s jacket collar had been permanently ruined from Mark’s tears and hot breath against the leather, but from then on, instead of just getting drunk off his rocker when he was sad, he’d just find Axel and cry it out.

Their dad passed away when Mark was young, and their mom never really recovered from it. Because of this, Axel really took the role of being momma’s fix-it man, getting an under-the-table job when he was young and making sure Mark had snacks and lunches while their mom took care of the house. When momma Cluney eventually remarried, she never ceased to thank Axel for all he did, and it always put Mark in a weird feeling. Not that he wasn’t grateful beyond words, he just always felt bad that Axel had to go through that at such a young age.

“You were in Kindergarten,” Axel says cooly, passing his brother a beer. “What were you going to do, sell dunk-a-roos for cold, hard cash?”

“I could’ve done more,” he mumbles, taking a long sip of his drink. “Like... I could’ve been more grateful for the toys and the lunch money.”

Axel chuckles and reaches over to ruffle Mark’s hair, “hey; you were fed. You didn’t give mom too much shit. And on your birthday, you got the Power-Ranger toys you wanted. You were grateful. You just didn’t get why you had to wait until your birthday.”

Mark snorts and shoves Axel’s hand away, sighing softly, “I wish I knew him, dude..”

“You look just like him.”

“What was he like?”

Axel hums and leans back in his seat, fingers swirling the lip of his beer bottle, “I remember when I was nine, I told him I was going to run away. Go live in the treehouse of our old house.” He paused to smirk, “bastard made me a lunch box with two peanut butter sandwiches, a bag of barbecue chips and a juice box and said ‘good for you! You’re a man now, do what you gotta do!’ I never made it off of the porch.”

Mark snickers and they get real quiet. “I miss him,” he admits. “I don’t remember him... but I miss him.”

Axel hums again, “he was moms great love. Never laid a hand on us, nor her. He was a good man.”

Mark raises his bottle to his brother, “you’re a good man too, dude.”

“Believe me, mark,” Axel chuckles sadly. “I’m only a quarter of the man he was.”

On a lighter note, Axel taught Mark to drive. He filled his truck with gas, drove them both out to the city limits, butt-fuck no where, with a bag of fast food and his gps.

“Okay,” Axel hums. “Get out.”

“Excuse me?”

Axel pulled the keys out of the ignition and tossed them to his brother, “you’re driving us back home. Oh, and to CVS, mom needs sugar and milk.”

And with those buggy green eyes, Mark just completely stares at Axel, freaked out and worried (mostly because Axel’s truck is his baby, and Axel was levelheaded enough at all times to hide a body if need be), so with a reassuring smile, axel slips out of the driver side, gesturing mark to slide over the bench-seat, and he slowly walked Mark through the process of starting the car and driving back home.

He hit a curb. And ran a stop-light. Nearly hit a squirrel, but never once did axel raise his voice to him. He would simply tell him it was alright and that “it doesn’t have to be perfect; I just want you to get us home.”

When they finally pull in a few hours later, Mark was so terrified Axel would tell their mom everything, but axel just shook his head. “If I wanted you to be perfect, I wouldn’t have just thrown you into traffic; I wanted to make sure you could drive if I wasn’t around and mom needed you. You got home. We’re alive. Tomorrow, if you’re feeling easy, we’ll go to a parking lot or something. But you did fine.” He smiles and leaves the truck, “but don’t puke in the truck; do it in the front yard, please.”

Which. Mark obeys.

Whenever Mark’s birthday rolls around, Axel drives them up to an old lake house their great-grandparents built, only bringing some clothes, booze and a gas can to get in and out of town, and they fish, make s’mores, and just be kids again. Again, Mark is much younger than Axel, so all the memories Axel has here, Mark doesn’t, so he wants him to enjoy the young years of his life that Axel really couldn’t.

Sometimes, if they’re bold, they’ll bring whoever they’re dating or smashing, but they’ve found it’s better to just have a guys weekend away, only them two in the middle of the woods, with only the fish in the lake to keep them company.

“So you had a treehouse and a fuckin’ cabin before I came along?” Mark asks by the fire, marshmallow clinging to his face childishly. Axel snorts, “dude I haven’t had a birthday party since I was seven, then you showed up.”

“Oh I’m sooo sorry,” Mark sings, rolling his eyes and plopping the last of his s’more in his mouth. Axel sighs dramatically, “don’t be. You made mom happy,” he pats his brother on the shoulder. “And she said I wasn’t allowed to try and return you anymore, so.”

Mark laughs before his brows furrowed, “anymore?”

Axel smirks. “Why do you think you’re so claustrophobic now, Markie?”

“The fuck did you do to me?”

“Shoved you in a box and left you outside.”

“You WHAT.”

“Three times.”

They bicker. They fight. But they’d fucking die for each other. As they got older, they really became best friends and Mark is open to that fact.

In fact, for Axel’s birthday, Mark got his hands on a pikachu doll from the 90’s that Axel was dying to have a kid but couldn’t get because he had to help his mom take care of mark, but every now and again he brought it up to joke.

Mark could tell that, even as an adult, he still wanted that pikachu toy because he wouldn’t shut up about it, so he finally saved up and got it ($150 mint-condition his asshole), and when Axel opened it on his birthday, there was not a dry eye from anyone except Mark.

Big, green eyes flip from the toy to Mark, jaw dropped in surprise and just completely at a loss for words. Mark grins, “now you can shut up about it; you own it. Live your Ash Katchum dreams, freak.”

Axel laughs around his cries, a tattooed hand coming up to stop himself. He wastes no time in stalking his way over to his brother, pulling him in for a tight hug while the younger just hugs him back, still smiling before shoving him off when people tried to get pictures.

“Cant have people who get our Christmas card think I like you or anything,” he snorts, making Axel laugh again before going back to his seat to finish his gifts, but everyone (including himself) knew that Mark won that year.

The first time Axel brings someone home, they’re a guy. Their mom was chillin, she had no problems with it (though she didn’t really expect Morgan to necessarily be a man), Mark was pretty confused. Like, sure Axel always had friends over, but they were never cuddly and touchy before, and it made Mark really curious.

He probably brings it up on one of their fishing trips years later, and axel barely has any clue what he’s talking about at first.

“You seriously don’t remember Morgan?” Mark asks in disbelief. “Like, how do I, but you don’t?”

“I’ve been with a lot of people,” Axel shrugs. Then, he tenses up and a slow grin spreads across his face, “oh. Morgan.”

“Yes! Morgan, the first person you ever brought home!”

“They’re not Morgan anymore,” Axel recalls. “Well, to me anyways. After we broke up, they became she, and her name is Bella. We’re still close, she’s just not Morgan anymore.”

“So... are you... like...?”

Axel smirks, “I’m nothing, dude. No skin off my ass for labels. If you learn anything from me, Markie boy,” he turns to his brother, “do what makes you happy. Love who the hell you want. Mom’s going to love you. I’m gonna love you. And fuck anyone who tells you you can’t.”

“I think I’m straight.”

Axel chuckles. “You’ve just never pursued anyone who hasn’t gone after you; just so happens only women have gone after you.”

Mark frowns and sinks lower in his seat, “do you think... not-straight-guys are afraid of me?”

“I think they’re afraid of your frat-boy-fuck-buddies who tease someone for having any sort of human emotions,” Axel says nonchalantly. “I’ve taught you enough about treating people with respect, your friends don’t have the same drive you do.”

Which brings me to my next point

Axel ABSOLUTELY taught Mark about the birds and the bees.

He drove them both around town not long after Mark turned 14, and he parked at their town’s high school and just... talked about sex. What happens, how does it feel, etc..

“You need to listen to her, Mark,” he says sternly. “The minute you hear a “no,” you fucking stop. The minute you hear a ‘I don’t want to,’ you stop. I don’t care if you’re balls deep inside of her, you slip out, tuck yourself away and apologize for making her uncomfortable.”

“But what if-“

“No.”

That’s the basics; like what happens when you have sex, what how to use protection, and the importance of consent. A while later, once Mark starts going to parties, he drives them out again, only this time to talk about when she says “yes.”

“You gotta work her up,” Axel hums, cigarette low on his lips. “Her body will let you know when she’s ready. If you go in dry, you’re going to hurt her.”

“How do I like... do that?”

Axel smirks, “play with her a little. Kiss her nice and slow... let your hands paw and squeeze, let her moan a little, let her purr... I’ve been with a few girls who like being tickled and picked up, some girls like it more rough and playful too, a smack on the ass, a few bites on their neck-“

“How will I know?” Mark squeaks. “If she like... likes what I’m doing.”

Once again, Axel grins, “believe me, Markie boy- you’ll know.”

Sjfhvdgbgh I WANT MORE, MY BOYS🥺🥺

#yes I own that pikachu doll shut up #and yes it was worth every penny #axel cluney #axel cluney angst #axel cluney fluff #axel cluney imagine #axel cluney deadpool two #axel cluney deadpool 2 #deadpool two #deadpool two angst #deadpool two fluff #deadpool two imagine #deadpool 2 #deadpool 2 fluff #deadpool 2 angst #deadpool 2 imagine #mark #mark assassination nation #mark fluff #mark angst #mark imagine #assassination nation fluff #assassination nation angst #assassination nation imagine #axel cluney x mark #bill skarsgard #bill skarsgard angst #bill skarsgard imagine #bill skarsgard fluff #bill skarsgård

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

caryl first date headcanon

i wrote a stream of consciousness caryl headcanon i was thinking about when i couldn’t sleep last night. no i did not proofread it. yes it is rambling nonsense. yes you can read it if you want: 

so i genuinely don’t know what the timeline for canon is gonna be now that we got bottle episodes, s11, and the spin-off, but just for a moment let us pretend that it happens during the bottle episodes and then we have all of s11 to watch caryl trying to figure out how to navigate a relationship with each other

cuz like, they gon fuck right away, bc things are gonna get heated, and tensions are gonna be high, and they’re gonna snap like a trip wire and fucking ravish each other, that’s without question

so the first little while of their relationship will be mostly getting intimately familiar with each other’s bodies down to every last freckle

but once they’ve simmered down some they’re gonna need to address the “oh shit, wait, how does a relationship work?” problem

cue: caryl’s first date

it’ll take place in commonwealth, and i’ve never read the comics and i know jack all about it outside of what i’ve skimmed, but we’re gonna ignore that for the sake of my fun post

i know enough about it to know that there are definitely places to have a date

daryl knows this too, tho he doesn’t rly think about it right away. at first he’s more confused and sort of standoffish about the whole place, bc he was always a forest-dweller even before the apocalypse, so seeing this new metropolis-like place after years of living like a gd pioneer is gonna throw him way off kilter

right up until he’s chillin’ with judith and she’s talking about how she’s excited to see her first concert, and they have restaurants, and things she’s only ever read about, and then out of nowhere she’ll pull out, “are you gonna take aunt carol on a date?” 

and daryl will stare at her

and she’ll be like “rosita was telling me about how father gabriel took her on a real date and how nice it was. you should do that for aunt carol” 

and daryl will stare at her

and then will hastily change the subject (she’ll see right through him, ofc, but she’ll let it slide)

but the thought will stick with him, and suddenly he’s looking at the schedule of upcoming concerts and plays and wondering if carol would care about any of it. does she like shakespeare? the most experience he would have had with shakespeare was ripping out a couple pages of his school copy of romeo and juliet to use to light some firewood

but maybe she’s into it???

eventually he’ll reach the inevitable conclusion that the only way this is going to work is if he actually asks her to go on a date with him, which should be easy, right? like, he was ball’s deep inside her last night and told her good morning by putting his face between his legs, so surely asking someone on a date is simple

it will not be simple

bc yeah, they fuck all the time, and obviously they’re head-over-heels in love with each other, they’re each other’s soulmates, yada yada, but also daryl’s extremely emotionally repressed and has the romance skills of a fifteen year old having his mom drive him and his date to his first homecoming dance, only worse bc he never even went to any school dances

but after Dwelling On It for ages he’ll finally get fed up with himself and will vow to stop being a pussy. he’ll ask her before the day’s over or he’ll shoot a bolt into his own foot, ok, no more excuses

so the whole day he’s jittery af

you’d think he’s trying to pop the question, but all he wants to do is go eat dinner with carol and then watch some people recite lines from a play written hundreds of years ago, like, what is his Deal(tm)??? 

(his deal is, ofc, that he waited so long to have her, and now every new thing feels tenuous, bc he’d rather die than lose her, and sure she knows him better than anyone, but never in this context, and plus her last dude basically bled passion and romance no matter how obnoxious, and what if she realizes just how fucking clueless he is and decides she doesn’t really want to be with a middle-aged man who still gets tongue-tied around a pretty girl?)

(but also she deserves a gd date, alright? she deserves it, and so he’s going to give it to her, even if going face-to-face with a walker horde is less intimidating)

carol notices something’s off with him right away, but she waits until after dinner, when the kids have gone to their rooms and the two of them are alone washing dishes to ask, “hey, so what the fuck?” 

and daryl will be like, k, it’s now or never

and he will 100% make a fool of himself by stumbling alllll over his words, like, “nothin’s wrong, i’m fine, everythin’s real fine, i was just wonderin’ if mb you’d wanna, y’know, i dunno, they got all these shows and shit that we ain’t had in forever and i didn’t know if mb you’d wanna go see one? and mb get some food? with me, i mean. like, together. like i’d take you there and we could do those things, like a, you know, a date. but it’s cool if not, no worries, i get it if it’s not your thing, but i just thought i’d ask, but no, you’re right, it’s stupid, forget i said anythin’, hey look at the time, well i’m beat, gonna go to sleep now, goodbye”

and carol will go, “hold up”

and she’ll take daryl by the wrist before he can flee the room (bc he definitely intends to), and pulls him close and kisses him all sweet, and she’s gotta stand on her tiptoes to do it bc she’s in a pair of knit socks and he’s got his boots on so there’s more of a height difference than usual, and after she’s successfully managed to keep daryl from falling straight into a panic spiral, she’ll whisper, “i’d love to, let’s go this weekend”

and then she’ll just turn back to doing dishes without another word on the matter 

(bc, as previously stated, she knows daryl better than anyone, and she knows exactly what all his insecurities are and how much it must have taken him to ask her that, and so she’s not gonna harp on it or tease him)

(daryl recognizes this and loves her desperately for it)

the actual date is way easier than daryl expected

bc he spent all this time hyping it up, but when it comes right down to it, he just gets to spend a night with carol where they don’t have the kids to worry about, or any council business, and they just get to enjoy each other’s company

she even dressed up a little for him, which was unnecessary, but he most certainly appreciates it and can’t wait to tear the outfit off of her later

(it does make him regret the fact that he’s only had one pair of pants for the past ten years, but she doesn’t seem to mind)

they end up seeing a shakespeare play

daryl understands like 2% at best, but carol holds his hand and rests her head on his shoulder the whole time, and apparently it’s a comedy bc she laughs a lot, and that alone makes it worth it

they fuck like crazy when they get home, obviously

but it’s different than it had been previously, bc now their “togetherness” seems more solidified

like, they’re officially a “couple” now

like the type of couple that gets a babysitter for the night so they can go to the apocalyptic version of dinner and a movie together and then have sex and then fall asleep right afterwards bc they’re domestic af

and like, deep down both of them knows that this isn’t the life that they’re meant to live in forever, a la commonwealth/domestic bliss, and he wasn’t kidding when he told her new mexico was still out there, and he can feel a shift coming sooner rather than later

but he also knows they’ll be together when it happens, and they’ll figure out their own version of “date night” when they’re out exploring

but for now he’s content to do it the old fashioned way, though

when she falls asleep on his chest that night he rubs her back and kisses the top of her head, and he’s already planning their next night out

he might pick a show with modern english, though

but it’s not required

just so long as they’re together

the end 

#this was just me writing down the words my brain was thinking #didn't reread it #p sure it's in like five different tenses #but i stand by it #early caryl relationship will be so awk and adorable #caryl #twd #dunlap tp

[luckyjak]

fic: Overheard Conversations

Be careful spying on friends, lest you learn something you shouldn’t. [The M9 scry on Essek and learn about his crush on Caleb, the fic]

A gift for @martyart who keeps doing amazing Shadowgast art! [A03 Link}

In the Mighty Nein’s defense, they were trying to be polite.

“What if he’s busy?” Caleb had argued. “It’s getting late. He may be doing--doing--I don’t know what he does in his free time, but it’s the weekend and we can’t possibly assume he’s free to teleport us.”

“That’s why I’ll send him a message, Cay-leb, and he can tell us if he’s busy or not.”

“I dunno. I kind of agree with Caleb here. I feel like interrupting his weekend is kind of a dick move.” Beau offered, not really helping. “I already get the impression that he might try to kill us if we keep bothering him, especially after last time.”

“At the same time, if he’s free and doesn’t mind helping, we are going to a tropical island for Traveler-con. Maybe he’ll want to join us?” Fjord offered.

“Why don’t you scry on him?” Caduceus offered. “That way we’ll know if he’s busy or not, and we won’t risk annoying him by sending a message.”

Caleb immediately shook his head. “That won’t work. He’s bound to have some sort of magical protection. He’s not stupid--”

“I dunno, dude, like you said it is the weekend. He may just be relaxing at home or something. Chillin’. Totally willing to take us to a hot tropical island.”

“Should we really scry on our friends?” Fjord asked. “Feels a little immoral. What if he’s in the bath or something?”

Jester giggled. “I wouldn’t mind seeing that!”

(She had a feeling Caleb wouldn’t have minded, either, but he didn’t say anything. She could tell, though, by how red his ears got.)

“We spy on Yasha all the time!” Nott argued.

“Yes, but Yasha is actively evil right now, so she doesn’t count!”

“So we burn a spell slot to find out if we need to burn another spell slot?”

“Like we haven’t wasted spells on stupider stuff. Also, this keeps us in Essek’s good graces, which let’s be real, we totally need,” Beau huffed. “Also, we haven’t fought anything all day so Jester should have plenty of spells.”

“I haven’t cast anything today so far, true.” Jester interrupted, and then giggled. “Oh, why not? I’ve always wanted to see what Essek gets up to when we’re not around!”

Caleb had started to protest, but it was too late: she had already begun her ritual.

--

The Traveler guided her, as always, and led her--not to a quiet home like she might have thought, but to a crowded restaurant in the Lucid Bastion. “The city is thriving tonight,” the Traveler whispered as he led her through the packed streets to a busy restaurant where Essek was sitting at a small table quietly, alone. “Come, let’s see what your friend is up to this evening.”

It was a fancy restaurant, definitely. There was fine silverware and free bread on the table, and the people there were dressed in finer gowns and robes. The lighting was low and soft, and there was a gentleman playing a violin nearby. It looked like the place you might go on date, Jester thought, and then immediately squealed. Am I interrupting Essek on a date???

He was even dressed a little nicer--he still wore his mantle, like always, but it looked like he had gotten his hair cut in the few hours it had been since she last saw him. He looked bored, though, reading a book and drinking a glass of something dark and expensive-looking. She had the impression that he was waiting on someone.

She (and Essek) didn’t have to wait long, though; soon a gorgeous drow woman walked up and joined Essek at the table. She had short white hair cropped in a straight bob that went down a little ways past her ears. Her makeup was dark but to the point, accentuating her long eyelashes and her dark golden eyes. She didn’t wear a gown like some of the other women in the restaurant did, but rather fancy silk pants and a dark jacket, with long dark silk gloves covering her hands. She was elegant without being fancy, in a way that seemed as though elegance came as naturally to her as breathing. Like the Bright Queen, in a way, but harsher, the way a well-crafted knife could be both beautiful and deadly to the touch.

Jester didn’t know her, didn’t recognize her on sight, but she did know that she was unquestionably beautiful. Essek has good taste in women. She thought with approval, looking the woman up and down with appreciation. Funny. I always thought he was into Caleb.

The mysterious drow woman walked up and kissed Essek on the cheek, surprising him only long enough for him to put his book away. “I hope you didn’t have to wait long,” she apologized, taking his glass of wine from the table and taking a sip. She then sat across from him, crossing her legs and delicately taking her long black gloves off of her hands. “You know how work can get.”

“Deyla,” Eseek scowled, but he didn’t look too outwardly annoyed. “How was work?”

“Less business talk at the table, don’t you think?” She waved a waiter over and ordered a glass of “whatever Essek was drinking,” crossing her long legs under the table.  “It’s been a long day.”

Essek didn’t smile, but he didn’t press her further. “How’s the Den?”

“Same as it always is. Mother is throwing a fit, but when is she not? She’s worrying about the Celebration but I keep telling her she has nothing to fret about. It will be fine, same as it’s been the last thousand years.”

Jester was going to end her spell early there; give Essek his privacy and let him enjoy his date with this mystery woman ( Deyla , it seemed) before the drow woman stopped her in her tracks, leaning across the table to squeeze Essek’s hands. “And how is my favorite little brother doing this evening?”

Oh! Of course this gorgeous woman was Essek’s sister! They had the same cheekbones and contempt! That made so much more sense than a date!  Not that Essek couldn’t date a hot girl--he totally could--but the flirting with Caleb made more sense now.

Essek sighed, letting go of his sister’s hand. “Tired, Deyla.”

“Hmph. Those humans bothering you again?”

Oh. She was talking about them. The Mighty Nein. Better stay and listen, then.

The waiter dropped off another glass of wine, this time in front of Deyla, but otherwise the two ignored him. “No, actually,” Essek laughed slightly. “They’ve been quiet for a little bit. I was actually thinking of seeing if they could help Mother, given how busy she’s been.”

Deyla took a long sip of her wine. “Mother would never allow them to help her.”

“I wasn’t going to tell her they would help. I would be more subtle about it.” Essek took a piece of bread from the bowl in the center of the table, chewing on it slightly. It looked tasty, and smelled divine. Gosh I want bread . “They owe me several favors. I was thinking that having them help Mother before the Celebration would be a good use of their talent.”

Deyla didn’t say anything. Instead, she pulled a long cigarette out of her purse, holding it out for Essek to light, which he did with a very simple flame spell. She took a long drag out of her cigarette. “Mother would rather die than accept help from humans. If she ever found out--”

“I can be subtle, Dey. I am the Shadowhand, after all--”

“But can they?” Deyla interrupted, blowing smoke his direction. “From what you’ve told me--”

“They have their talents. And they aren’t that bad, Deyla, really. They are--amusing. Talented in their own way.” He stopped, dipping his bread in a little bowl of oil. “They fought an ancient white dragon and lived, you know.”

It was nice, listening to Essek brag about them for a moment. He was usually so stiff and formal with them, it was hard for Jester to tell if he even liked them or not. I knew he liked us!

“I forget, sometimes, how young you are,” Deyla said quietly, letting her cigarette burn. “How naive. Just because they may be fearsome in combat doesn’t mean they can handle the subtleties of Den politics, you know.”

The same waiter came by and took their order, refilling their wine glasses as he went. Essek paused for a moment, taking a sip of his wine. “They are capable when they want to be. Professor Waccoh told me that they were very successful in humiliating her rival, and I believe her. I imagine if I asked them to humiliate Den Argith, for example--”

They could totally do that, Jester thought. In fact, she already had ideas, and she didn’t know who Den Argith was.

His comment didn’t seem to impress Deyla much, though. “It’s foolish and I naive to accept help from foreigners--”

“I know that! I may be young, but I’m hardly naive. I serve on the Bright Queen’s court, for the Luxon’s sake!” There was a deep purple flush to Essek’s face, and from what Jester could tell this was an old argument they were repeating.  “If anything, I sometimes wonder if you and Mother aren’t so old and stuck in your ways that you are overlooking a potential resource!”

Deyla wasn’t listening to him. “It’s that optimism and naivety that got you punished and stuck with them in the first place,” she rolled her eyes. “Tell you what. When you get to be 500 years into your second life, you can tell me all about how stuck in my ways I am. Until then, listen to your elders for once.” Gosh, but she looks good for 500! Deyla took another piece of bread from the center of the table and ripped a piece off of it, dipping it into the bowl of oil. “I’m just glad you stopped teaching their wizard dunamancy, at least.”

Essek didn’t answer her, didn’t even look at her; that was enough to cause Deyla to drop her bread instead (ruining a perfectly good piece of bread, in Jester’s opinion.)

“Oh Essek , you didn’t.” Deyla shook her head. “This is like Dantrag all over again!”

“It--it is not .” Essek defended himself, but his face was an embarrassing shade of purple. Jester immediately wanted to know who Dantrag was. “Dantrag was--was a bad judgment call. And he did prove himself, eventually.”

“After getting Den Hyluian a massive amount of favor! I swear, Essek, you are such a child sometimes! Any pretty boy with an ounce of magical talent shows up and you lose all common sense, I swear.”

“I--it’s not like that! Caleb is a talented wizard in his own right, and--”

“Oh, it’s Caleb , is it?” Deyla shook her head. “Luxon’s blessed ballsack , Essek.”

“I-- they are the Heroes of the Dynasty! They have the Bright Queen’s trust, and--”

“They are human ,” his sister snapped at him. “And that’s the only thing that matters. They’ve done the Dynasty a favor, sure, but just to save their own skin, most likely. And how long will it take them to betray us, do you think? As soon as the Empire offers them enough gold, they’ll go running back, now armed with the secrets of our people.”

Jester winced at her words. She was wrong, of course, but how was Deyla to know any differently? They couldn’t go back to the Empire; wouldn’t, actually, knowing what they do now about Caleb’s past, but how many other drow thought the same about them? How many of them saw the Nein, not as heroes, but as people just waiting for the opportune moment to betray them?

It wasn’t a good feeling.

Essek crossed her arms, shoving away from the table. “You are such a pessimist.”

“I’m a realist. And you are a schoolboy with a crush.”

Essek didn’t respond to her. Instead, he stared out the window, pointedly ignoring his sister.

It took a moment, but Deyla did eventually sigh. “I didn’t come here to fight with you. I just want you to be safe . You are brilliant , one of the most talented mages the Dynasty had in generations, and in your first life, no less. That’s no small accomplishment. I just don’t want you to throw it all away because you’re a sucker for a pretty face.” She reached across and squeezed his hands.

“I--no. You have a point.” Essek squeezed his sister’s hand back. “Last time I saw him, actually, he made me feel really shitty.”

Oh no. Jester thought, frowning intently. Caleb had made Essek feel shitty? Goddamnit .

“What did that bastard human do now? Because I will kill him if I need to.” Jester had no doubt that Deyla would keep that promise: she seemed like a woman who could kill someone if she needed to.

“He didn’t do anything wrong. He just--flirted more overtly because he needed something, and it made me feel kind of used. Like he knew I had a crush on him and was using that to his advantage.”

Jester winced; her own comment about “Caleb, kiss him!” probably didn’t help at all.

“I will cut him.”

“He didn’t do anything wrong.  The whole situation with the Nein last time was weird. They wanted me to teleport them to one place, then realized afterwards that they had had me teleport them to the wrong place, so I burned another spell slot to teleport them again, and then they were trying too hard to make it better, and just--it was weird. I’m kind of glad I’ve had a little break from them, to be honest, even if it has only been twenty-four hours.” He looked out the window again. “Less than, actually. I hope they succeed in whatever they were trying to do.”

That was--that was really sweet, actually. Gosh, they needed to do something nice for Essek!

“Hmm. That reminds me: Mother wants to know who you are bringing as a date to the Celebration.”

Essek’s face was flushed a dark purple; he grabbed his glass of wine and took a large drink. “I--have some ideas. Nothing set in stone, however. Nothing Mother would approve of, either.” Essek took another drink. “How soon does she need to know?”

“Hell if I know. I’ll ask her tomorrow. May I make some suggestions? T’ssandra was telling me her brother is single and--”

That was the moment when Jester’s scry spell ran out, sending her back home with the Nein.

--

“ Guys . Essek was having dinner with his sister, so I don’t think we should message him. Also, his sister is, like, super hot like Essek, but also she hates us. But Essek likes us, and he especially likes Caleb,” she elbowed Caleb in the stomach. “So I think we should do something nice for him! And I have an idea!”

“He--what? He likes --Jester, what do you mean by that? Jester?” Caleb was asking, frantically.

“Hot sister? Hot sister? ” Beau demanded. “Tell me more!”

Jester ignored both of them and kept talking. “We’re gonna go humiliate a Den!” She giggled. “Essek is planning to ask us to help his Mama out, but if we do it before he asks, just think of how grateful he’ll be! And we can prove to his Mama and sister that we aren’t evil and gonna betray the Dynasty--”

“Wait, what?”

“Go back to the whole ‘Essek likes Caleb bit’ please Jester--” Caleb tried again.

“If we do a favor for him and he didn’t ask us to, isn’t that just us needed to do another favor for him later?” Caduceus asked wisely, but packed his bags up just in case.

And then the Mighty Nein did what the Mighty Nein does best, and heisted their way into Den Argith on Essek’s behalf, and left a trail of chaos on their way out.

#critical role #fanfiction #shadowgast #this is labeled shadowgast but it's really more of a essek study #caleb's barely in it

[bisexualstokes-archive]

letswaitforme replied to your post: is the depression coming back or am i just content...

100% not judging you (fuck irl people)

lol i’m gonna go on a rant for a second cause i need to get this off my chest, feel free to ignore

so my mom is like the only person not judging me (cause she doesn’t really want me to go out and do things on my own--i’m not talking like going to the store, i’m talking like going out to the national parks by myself or disney by myself) and she was like this with the last month i was out here too and i mentioned it to my friend and my friend was like “WHY DO YOU NEED YOUR MOM’S PERMISSION YOU’RE 26 YEARS OLD” which OUCH because sure i guess it’s kind of true? but at the same time like fuck that i’m not doing this because i don’t want to piss off my mom, i’m doing this because sitting here chillin is just more appealing to me right now??

like...again, i have ZERO desire to go do anything like that right now, as much as i would love to, I just...i’m more happy sitting here ranting about nick and jack and george and csi and like yeah you could argue that i’m spiraling downwards into this huge obsession because escapism is definitely, if not my biggest coping mechanisms to stress and even when I had this huge period of time where i was seriously depressed (the tail end of which i was beginning to have suicidal thoughts) i did the same thing, i was heavily obsessed with something and like...idk i can’t tell if my obsessions with stuff is truly unhealthy or if the people around me who tend to just get annoyed with me when i get hyperfixated on things just are terrible friends to have in my life??? (that is something i wish i discussed with my therapist when i started going to therapy lol i think i did bring up the obsessions one day and she didn’t really say anything about it??) 

but ugh yeah like i sit here with zero regrets of what i’m choosing to do with my free time but i just dread having to answer the “so what did you do in your free time” and responding with “nothing lmao” because a) as open as i now am with my obsessions it’s still weird to admit them out loud and b) i just dread that feeling of regret, not because i am choosing not to go out exploring but regret out of the fact that people might think there’s something wrong with me?? if that makes sense??

and idk maybe i’m over thinking all of this, it’s only my first weekend back out here, i have been tired all week and this whole work trip is sort of stressful, so maybe just decompressing in the hotel for two days straight is more helpful than adding to the stress by going out and doing something completely new which, while my anxiety has been a hell of a lot better than it has been before, it still just terrifies me, the idea of going out to a national park or just driving around looking for things to do, because this is uncharted territory and idk maybe i do have a little bit of the fear of the unknown, or some deep rooted paranoia that “the world is not safe” instilled in me from my parents

and maybe like next weekend i’ll go out and do something? (lol i say that now and then you’ll just find me in the hotel again) 

#replies #depression / #anxiety / #mental illness / #suicide / #like honestly i think i'm actually a lot more stressed out than i'm willing to admit #and i think maybe part of me is doing this isolation thing in an effort to keep my stress levels down or something idk #tbd #probably gonna delete this later lmao

[jessaadventures-blog]

Week Six: Chillin’ Out

Under the Lobitos pier.

This week was nice and chill, which was much needed after the craziness of last week! Nothing too crazy happened, but there were still some fun times with the EcoTeam. I’m already two-thirds through my time in Lobitos, and it feels both like I just got here and I’ve been here forever. I’m sure these next three weeks will fly by, and I’m excited to see what they hold!

The EcoHouse

My banana and strawberry compote crepe!

We only had one addition to the EcoTeam this week. Claudia arrived on Tuesday from the UK! She goes to Bristol University like Jack, but is a year ahead of him in the same geography program  (going into her third year of uni). Claudia is great, she’s always really enthusiastic and funny and we’ve had fun pointing out differences between British and American slang (it’s her and Jack and Joris against the rest of us usually). Claudia is doing research for her dissertation while she’s here, so she isn’t directly involved in any of the existing projects. She’s been interviewing local fisherman about overfishing and illegal fishing, which is really interesting! She’ll be here for three weeks total, so her, Seth, Orianna, and Chris (who comes tomorrow for two weeks) all leave the weekend before me. We have eight volunteers right now, with two people staying at Nacho’s hostel. Jenny leaves tomorrow and Chris comes to replace her, and we have one more guy, Anthony, coming on Sunday so we’ll have nine volunteers! That’s a super full house.

Diego (the Director) and his girlfriend, Nai Ana, are arriving tomorrow as well to replace Michael leaving for a week, and then Andres leaves when Michael gets back. It’ll be a big crew for my last few weeks!

We cooked a lot this week in an effort to reduce the money we’re spending by going out to eat so much. The four girls were almost always the chefs, and the four guys were the clean up crew! We did our classic Taco Tuesday, which everyone always enjoys, and on Wednesday we made two amazing vegan pot pies! Still my favorite food I think :) On Thursday we had a sweet and savory vegan crepe night with homemade strawberry compote, bananas, avocados, tomatoes, chickpeas, veggies, and more. This was a big hit; I definitely want to make crepes again before I leave. We also had some pisco sours to go with our fancy crepes! On Friday we made our famous veggie burgers (the guys were all extremely hungry though, so they went for starters at Tranqui’s and then  came back and demolished the rest of the burgers). By Saturday we were getting low on homemade dinner materials (it’s hard cooking for ten people, six of whom eat for two or three people each), but we made a big batch of pasta and stir fried some squash and veggies to go with it and the remade pasta sauce we buy. Last night we gave up and went to Tranqui’s for dinner, which was as good as always!

A slice of vegan pot pie :)

Other than food, we had some fun nighttime activities this week! We had two game nights, one where we played BS (the card game) and Seth, who worked as a gondolier in Indianapolis, gave a wonderful performance of a famous Italian song that he would have to sing while he rowed tourists down the river so Claudia would take some of his cards (he’s quite talented). For the other game night we played the name game, where everyone writes down names of famous people on pieces of paper, and one person on each of the two teams has to get the rest of the team to guess what name they have (similar to taboo or charades), and we played some vary intense rounds of spoons, one of which was spoons hide-and-seek and we had to get up and run around the house trying to find the spoons. It was a blast!

The other big event we had was a Lord of the Rings marathon! We watched all the extended editions (each is four hours or more) over the course of four almost-consecutive days. We watched the first movie on Wednesday, split the second movie between Thursday and Friday, and watched the third (4.5 hours) on Sunday because it hadn’t fully downloaded on Saturday. Because I just finished the books, it was interesting to rewatch the movies and notice all the things they left out and little plot changes in the movies that weren’t in the books.

This weekend was really chill for me, all of the newer volunteers went to El Ñuro to swim with the turtles on Saturday, so I just hung out and read Harry Potter (I’ve just started the fifth book and I started the first one a week ago) and laid in the sun and did a big load of laundry. On Sunday everyone was tired but I got outside for a while and went for a swim (the waves were too big for me to surf) and a walk.

Overall a fun week in the EcoHouse getting to know the new interns, playing games, and cooking!

Work

Chipping paint in the sunrise!

This week was a little frustrating work-wise. I found a bunch of big cracks in the basin of the distiller that have opened up again (they originally were formed because the volunteer that built the actual wood structure of the distiller didn’t let the wood dry long enough and it warped) and the seawater was just leaking straight out of the bottom of the distiller. We got more silicone from Seth, and I did my best to fill all the gaps and create a seal between the window and the basin, but when I went to test the distiller again on Saturday morning there was still a big crack that I had missed, so all the water drained out again. Now I have to let the distiller dry again and then fix the cracks again and let it dry before testing it again hopefully on Friday. I think the seal is working a lot better, but the warping is definitely slowing down progress and making it difficult to get the distiller to perform at its best. But, I guess that’s the point of pilot unit like this one, to try it and make mistakes and learn from them! My main goal for the distiller at this point is to to a fully functional test (with no holes and a good seal) and move it up to the fisherman’s guild, where Joris has just finished building a stand for the distiller, before I leave. I think that’s doable, but I don’t want to rush it and sacrifice functionality like the guy who built the wood structure did. We’ll see how far I get! I also got my first Lobitos sunburn while painting silicone on the distiller this week, but its already faded.

Planting day was more like painting day this week. We got up at 6am as usual, and we finally decided to repaint the front outside wall of the house (there were a bunch of big paint chips in it that had been bugging me since I got here), so we spent five hours chipping the paint off the wall and getting covered in paint dust (we had catchy music to work to, so it was fun)! We then had an EcoBrunch, which was our usual big planting day breakfast immediately followed by the lunch that Angelita was already done making by the time we called planting day quits.

I’ve been keeping up with social media posts much better now, so that went well this week! We also launched and completed a crowdfunding campaign in four days, during which we raised $750 for Ale’s wind turbine project!

There’s still a lot to do before I leave, and I hope I can get it all done! I’m still very motivated to get this distiller up and running efficiently and reliably.

Adventures

Surfers jumping into the big waves at Piscinas.

There weren’t too many adventures this week, but we went to Tranqui’s for Saturday dinner and 420 for Monday dinner (we got there early and got the warm inside table and quick service)!

I went surfing a few times this week, though I usually ended up going at low tide when the waves aren’t as great, but I got up on a little green wave (before the wave had curled) which was exciting! I had only been catching the white wash before then.

My swim this weekend was nice, and my walk afterwards took me down to the Piscinas cliffs, where I watched surfers catching the big waves, saw a bunch of crabs, and picked up a bunch of trash (I haven’t talked much about it, but there’s an open landfill nearby and plastic bags and other trash tend to escape and litter the beach and everywhere between Lobitos and Talara, it’s really sad).

The EcoTeam at Tranqui’s!

This was a nice, chill week with a lot of fun nights! I’m looking forward to the next three weeks, and I’m definitely getting excited for Patagonia (we have some readings to do now, and I’m starting to read up on Patagonian energy issues) and the mountains and beauty there. I’m also missing my friends and am excited to be back on campus soon and move into my new house!

Miss and love you all as well, I hope all your summers are going well and are full of fun adventures!

#EcoSwell #summer2018 #Lobitos #Peru

[mothersunray]

What's up tumblr, bruh I need to type some long shit out and I couldn't figure out where to do it so HERE I AM AGAIN ITS BEEN A SPICY HOT MINUTE

Okay so it's not a big deal but for me it is because I'm kind of dying?? Not really but mentally. So I've had the worst luck at romance and love since Connor and I broke up like three years ago and ever since I've felt like I just can't connect with people right, I feel dull and I feel like life is just a bit less colorful than it used to be. It's like I have feelings but they're empty and I just couldn't really care less about anything anymore. BUT a couple weeks ago I was out with my friends and my mom and we were playing darts and these three guys came over and asked if they could play with us, so we all teamed up and played and it was a good time. One of the boys, Jacob, was really cute and very funny and was just vibing with his pals and it was a fun time, got my snapchat before we left and it was exciting. Fast forward to the next weekend and we all meet up and hang out and eventually him and I cuddle in his bed and make out and I really really like kissing him, I can tell he's passionate and sweet and gentle but also aggressive and it matches my energy so well. He laughs at my stupid jokes and we always giggle about everything. He doesn't out on a front, he's just himself in every situation. We've been talking every day for a couple weeks now and he's so down to earth and fun and artistic and deep and it's really something to learn things about him, I like him a lot and I'm excited to see if things will go anywhere.

Ok. Here's the thing. So, at my place of employment, there's this guy. He doesn't work in my department but hell come and talk to me throughout the day because I work at my counter alone and it gets lonely. He's INSANELY attractive and very nice and easy to talk to, a real stand up gentleman. It felt like he was flirting with me and obviously I would flirt with him, and it all felt like middle school crushes and shit all over again. I had butterflies, silly cute dreams about him, giggly times talking about him with my friends, the whole deal. I wanted to tell him I liked him but something made it not happen and I decided it wasn't meant to happen so I never did. And then, I was hanging with a co-worker and asked her about him, and she said he has a girlfriend. That was the tricky part because he has NO social media so I can't do my normal stalking to find anything out, it's super annoying. But anyway, within the last week we had a silly conversation about awful Christmas music and it was an all day conversation type thing, it was fun. Well, I get home and I'm just straight chillin on my couch when I get a notification that he added me on snapchat and I LOST MY FUCKING MARBLES. My heart was racing, I was freaking out and texting my roommate like "I'm so confused and I don't know how to feel and the butterflies are back and what the fuck is going on" and we messaged each other all night long. That was three days ago, and we've been messaging every day so far..... I don't know if he still has a girlfriend but today we were talking about golfing and he invited me to go with him and his friends sometimes. My thing is, I'm down to be friends! He's hot as fuck and we never run out of things to talk about, we have the same humor and I feel like I can be myself around him, so being friends would be easy! But I don't know what his intentions are and I don't want to be weird or anything, it just feels like if he did have a girlfriend, why would he be messaging me every day constantly? I'm just confused.

So the other thing is, I'm lost. Like, if it came down to it where Talyn was actually into me (I literally have had the fattest crush on him for SO LONG. SINCE THE PANDEMIC STARTED OK) and obviously Jacob is into me I just don't know. I really like Jacob and he's different from almost every guy I've met and usually my thing is, I focus on things that I know will end up annoying me or causing me to lose any sort of feelings I could potentially have for someone, even just something stupid like a sound they make or things they say, whatever. But everything he does I just find endearing and I adore him already without there really being anything there, it's different and I haven't felt something like this for anyone since Connor. We sat in my car when I was dropping him off at home and made out and talked for an hour before he went inside, and that hasn't happened since Connor. It feels like a good opportunity and a door opening, but at the same time I feel like it could be like that with Talyn too, once I get to know him more and if it comes down to that. And obviously I'm not in any position at this point in time to be thinking like this because it's ALL new with both of them and there's nothing solid happening, but I'm nervous there's gonna have to be a decision between two people that could be the next big thing in my life. Fuck. And the other thing is that Talyn makes me feel these crazy good nervous things and I haven't felt those for anyone since Connor either, but I could easily just be so enamoured by him and his attractiveness that I could be overlooking other things that normally I'd notice right off the bat. So at my current place I want to pursue Jacob, because I can picture myself being very happy with him, but I don't want Talyn to pursue anything with me then because I KNOW it'll fuck with my head too much. Idk. Like I said, it's early and I'm just worrying about nothing for no reason I'm just being a virgo but fuck dude, I've never had to deal with two people being into me and me being into both of them! Ugh.

Ok I'm done ranting or whatever the fuck the point of this post was but it feels good to get it out somewhere even if no one is reading. I miss this app y'all. Maybe I'll be a tumblr bitch again. I do need somewhere to share my phat ass pics lol

#ambz entry #boytroubles #what the fuck tho #why does this happen to me #first i cant get anyone to like me and now? #NOW THERE ARE TWO #AND THEY BOTH MIGHT LIKE ME #ok but i know for sure Jacob likes me #so thats good #fuck

[ember373]

Poke Poke...

July 24, 2020 5:17 pm

Last night was hard. Really hard. I could relay the immediate events that led up to it, but really it was a culmination of things. Where do I even begin? Last week the out of town in laws were in. Which wasn’t bad. I like them. But that means family gatherings and trying to make sure everyone is getting along and are my kids being brats or are they behaving? It’s exhausting. But every time I see them, it’s a reminder of how enmeshed I am in the family. How they rely on me for certain things. How, if anything were to happen, I think they would be pretty sad. FiL likes to talk to me about politics and I help get it out of his system and then rein him in and remind him of any positive and hopeful things. The sisters rely on my understanding and my discipline. The Mil relies on my help to mitigate everything and pitch in where I can. And of course lately, the oppressor keeps telling me how I’m his rock and the only one in his corner and he couldn’t do any of this without me. Once upon a time, I would have enjoyed that. I love to be useful. I love to be relied upon, needed. But it’s hard when it’s not a situation you don’t want to be needed in. Sure, I have grand dreams of remaining friends and after the dust settles maybe we could be one of those families that can actually get along and attend things. But those are only dreams. And the reality is that I wouldn’t only break one person’s heart-I would break countless others. The weight that I bear, that lies heavy on my heart day in and day out, just became that much heavier.

I’ve been trying not to think too much about it. It shouldn’t really matter if I’m not planning on doing anything anyway, right? But it makes me feel that much more guilty for desperately wishing there were some way I could get out. But where I was only looking at one heart (well, 4 if you count the chillins) and figuring out how to support it (them), now there’s like 16. It’s daunting. So I’m feeling the weight in my chest even more now and trying to ignore it and pretend that it’s allllll just fine.

On top of that, I had gotten a hold of Dev. I was really worried about him. I don’t know what kind of support network he has out there, and I don’t know if his dad checks up on him that often, or what. All I know is that I still care and I would want someone to check up on me. I should realize by now that not everyone is as needy as me, but I still feel it deeply-that feeling of needing to know someone cares. And if I can offer that to someone, shouldn’t I? This is part of what makes me look so crazy to everyone else. Look clingy. I mean, I can be clingy, but mostly I just really care about people and want them to feel what I don’t really feel-loved. We talked a bit back and forth, but it was mostly surface talk and ghosting still. He let me know he was safe tho, so I felt better. At one point he asked me how I was and when I asked him how he was, he sent me a link to a song. It was a Spanish song where the very first lyrics heard I could loosely translate to kiss me first (it’s actually Kiss me baby, like the first time). Looking up the translated lyrics, it’s about kissing a woman and the romance around that. Hard not to read into that. I played it off and told him it was a catchy tune. But maybe he sent it to the wrong person or sent the wrong link? He tells me no, I sent it to you. Then he mentions it’s in the top 40 Latin charts. Ummm...ok. :/Then he asked if I had Rona and disappeared.

Which brings me to yesterday. I had a pretty busy schedule, but it’s not something I haven’t had before so I just took each thing as it came. I was a little tired of the Dev yo-yo so I sent him a voice recording after my therapy appointment. I was being lazy and didn’t want to type out a text. I basically told him that whatever it was in me that was really attached or whatever finally broke with that last little interaction. I told him about how I used to think he was Khalid and that now he’s the Weekend. Doesn’t give a fuck. That if he wanted to text, I’d respond. We both know that I’m not very good at leaving people, only driving them away. But, hopefully, I wouldn’t be as invested in the results and go crazy. Again, I didn’t think I’d really hear from him. (I have to note here that I sent that voice memo at 11:11. Not on purpose. If it was the universe talking to me, what was it trying to say? For some really weird reason I felt like the Universe approved. Which is weird. And I’m not going to think too much about it. Because really...the Universe approves? What the fuck ever man...) Then I get phone calls. But no messages. I call immediately back. Straight to VM. What the heck? At that point I’m irritated and my next couple of texts say as much. Then he’s like why so rude? I butt dialed you. Freaking A.... And, again, I got too emotionally invested and let him get to me. He must be laughing his ass off. I’d like to think he’s not doing it on purpose, but there’s always that chance, you know? And the deep dark ugly whispers that it is so.... I apologize. THEN, he tells me he’s Khalid. Ummm...no. Not to me. He’s Abel. He says he gives a ton of fucks. Yeh...to EVERYONE ELSE. I told him as much. He laughs and calls me mean. That was the end of it. So I’ve got that going on yesterday-giving me all sorts of confused feels but I’m like whatever. Can’t dwell (even tho I totally do).

So, I go about the rest of the day, still low key thinking about Dev (sooooo irritating). But I’m a bit out of sorts and emotional. Then it was evening and I was walking upstairs and ...poke. I hate that. I can’t even explain how much I hate it and feel so helpless and angry, but instead of getting mad I try to laugh it off and say something like knock it off. It has almost become a game. I do something that annoys him and he pokes me in the boob. I know he thinks he’s entitled. But. He’s. Fucking. NOT. If I’m not fucking him, why the hell does he think I want him to touch my boobs? It’s worse than the low key feels he does with the back of his hand just brushing agains my boob. It’s replusive. It feels so violating and I just want to yell and beat the shit out of him, but I know the fight it would cause if I even mention it, so it’s one of the ‘allowances’. A brush here, a poke there, him poking my butt with something that isn’t his finger as he slides behind me (with plenty of room to NOT touch me btw). But I’m getting pretty tired of the ‘allowances’ just to keep peace. Just to keep it going. And something inside me breaks. Not like it did with Dev, where that was more breaking bonds until I have so many walls up I won’t be interesting to talk to anymore. It was something deep in my soul that just sort of snapped. I had people to put to bed and children not yet asleep, so I pushed it deep down and went about the routine. Watched some dramas. Then a little past midnight I decided to go to bed. Laid down and then I just...wept. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop it. Then I couldn’t breathe so I sat up. And I just kept crying, muffling my sobs in my blanket so I wouldn’t wake anyone up. Trying not to make any sound at all and ragged breathing as I stifled the cries within. It faded and I sat there. Numb. Then I though ‘I’m so tired of hurting’, and it began again. This time a small sound escaped and I shoved my face in the blanket and fought to breathe as my body just shook. And whenever I shook, it was like the tears wouldn’t really come, but the moment I slowed my breath down, they just sort of leaked out and down my face. This happened like 5 times over the course of maybe an hour? I would calm down only to get hit with just this immense wall of sadness and despair and longing and dejectedness. I was tired of hurting. Tired of being lonely. Tired of feeling so alone. Just wanting some sort of connection that could me just the tiniest bit of joy. Over and over I just keep thinking throughout these last months (years?), what the hell did I ever do wrong in a past life time to deserve this? What grand lesson was the universe trying to teach me knowing that I was absolutely breaking in the process and just didn’t want to live anymore? Didn’t it know I can’t take this? That every day I would think of various ways to end my life, always discarding them one by one because of the pain or suffering they might cause other people. The trucker or other driver that would hit me, the rescuer that would find me...I would think ah! Just go for a walk and fall off a cliff into the ocean. No one will find me! Then I’d think of the pain my kids would feel. Over and over. And all the while I’m just internally cursing the damn universe for thinking I could ever ‘learn’ the lesson. In order to be free I have to stand up for myself. I have to use my voice. And hurt other people. I just can’t do it. At least 16 people for one person’s happiness? My happiness? Who said I even deserved happiness? (I know I do, but it sometimes takes a while to circle back to that point). I’d rather sacrifice the one for the happiness of the many, especially if that one is me. I can handle it right? (Obviously not very well...) I sat there, in the dark, for a very long time. Just broken.

We all hear of the fairy tale of a woman meeting her prince and getting married and having kids and living happily ever after. A lot of people don’t get that fairy tale. My fairy tale is the tale of the depressed housewife who just dreams of feeling like someone out there cares for her. Like you see in dramas, where the man and woman are friends and become closer and there is a love between them but they don’t act on it because they try to be good people. And the man knows that acting on it might hurt the woman even more even tho it’s what she desperately needs. So they just be there for each other and support each other and lean on each other. But that’s not reality. Humans are greedy and when they see something they want, they try their best to have it. Whether it’s just for a night or for eternity. After the night they sate their lust and move on. And, well, we all know that eternity just doesn’t stop. So it’s trash or prisonor. Or, sometimes, both. Fairy tales are lies. Happily ever after is a lie. At least, for some people it is. My favorite saying is ‘Not my circus, not my monkeys’ to remind me to stay out of other people’s drama and not make it my own and stress about it. My next favorite saying has become ‘Not everyone gets a happily ever after’ to remind me that sometimes it’s just futile to hope for anything more. To dream of anything else. Sometimes, it’s just better to accept the situation and try to make the best of it. Right? I mean, isn’t it like the relationship between good and bad? Where you don’t truly know what’s good until you’ve experienced the bad? Maybe it’s a yin/yang thing? Some people have to be unhappy to make way for others to live in bliss? (I know, I know, bullshit...) I keep telling myself that, have been telling myself that for the last year or so. But, I just can’t make myself believe it. My dilemma was, and still is, how do I love myself? How do I love someone I constantly see people throw away and find value in that trash? Now my dilemma is how do I make myself okay with this? How do I get rid of all these useless desires and hungers and feelings and longings? It always goes back to digging my heart out with a spoon. Another favorite saying. Why can’t my sayings be more positive ffs...

It felt as if all these emotions and feelings and useless thoughts just kept building and building and building. Dev cracked the walls. The poke just made them burst and let everything spill out. I wish I could let it wash away like water coursing down a valley to sweep away whatever feelings I have inside and just leave...nothing. But my water isn’t made of droplets, it’s made of jagged shards of metal. And my heart is the magnet. And once the damn bursts, my heart slowly collects them all back up and starts to hold on to them again. Trying to build the walls bigger. Thicker. Trying to last longer until the next inevitable break. Or poke. I guess I really am like the damn breaking and the water spilling through and coursing down the valley. It doesn’t really leave nothing. It doens’t clean anything. All it does is leave an ugly mess. And mud. And yuck. And sticks that poke like the oppressors fingers. >.<

(Finished at 11:29pm)

[aniallstory-blog]

Chapter Ten

Things stayed tense between Niall and I after he left for America. We talked and checked in everyday, but it wasn't the same. There was still tension between us and it was hard to fix from opposite sides of the world. 

I debated taking some time off work to go out and visit him as I'd planned to, but my stubborn side kicked in when I realized that once again that just meant I was rearranging my life to suit his. For the most part he was just over there finalizing the album, doing promo for Slow Hands and playing the occasional show. If he really wanted to, he was more than able to take a day or two to come home and discuss our issues with me. So I left it even though it felt like a part of me was missing every time we had a superficial conversation about how our days were.

A week after he'd left Slow Hands was released and despite everything, I couldn't have been more proud. As I knew they would, all the fans were loving it. Especially since it was such a sexy tune, they all lost it, amusing me to no end with their speculation about how Niall was in bed. I tweeted my support straight away knowing his eagle eyed fans would instantly know something was wrong if I didn't and then I messaged him to tell him how proud I was and how happy I was for him that it was such a success. He called me instantly and we had our first decent conversation since our fight. We laughed, we joked, I read him some particularly racy comments from fans and smiled as he laughed awkwardly always shocked by how desperate they were to get him into bed, he told me how genuinely surprised he was by it's quick success and I assured him he was crazy for ever doubting that.

It felt like the old us again and I could tell we both felt relieved, but as soon as we hung up, the sadness and disappointment crept back in. I knew it was my own issue, one I would just have to work through, but I was struggling. I knew I loved him, I knew he loved me and I knew that our relationship was strong enough to last another two years before we got married (if it wasn't then getting married wouldn't solve anything), but I didn't want to wait and I couldn't shake the disappointment that I had to.

Once Niall realized that conversation wasn't an indication that I was completely over it, he tried his best to cheer me up. He messaged me more than he had been the previous week, he sent me selfies and videos (a particularly cruel one of him dancing shirtless to a clip of Slow Hands which did eventually end up on his Snapchat causing me to suddenly sympathize with his fans about how sexually frustrated he left us all) and he called me every night, but while I was thoroughly enjoying all of his attempts I was still just sad at the end of the day.

-

The weeks were simultaneously dragging and flying by. Time seemed to be moving quickly, but it felt like forever since Niall was home. I missed him. For the most part I managed to keep myself busy, but weekends when I didn't work were the hardest. With nothing to occupy my time, I was mopey and lonely and one Saturday about three weeks after he left I found myself re-watching his Instagram and Snapchat videos (thanks to the lovely fans that saved them and posted them online) to try and feel close to him again. I was just enjoying a video of him playing Slow Hands on guitar wearing shorts that really showcased his, um, private area, when my phone rang. I picked it up off the couch next to me and was shocked to see Liam's face on the screen.

“Hello?” I answered, half expecting it to be a butt dial.

“Hello, love!” He said cheerily. “You alright?”

“I am,” I smiled, pausing the video of Niall that was playing on my laptop. “How are you? How's the new little baby?”

“He's great! Honestly, so wonderful. Couldn't be happier,” I could practically see the grin bursting off Liam's face as he spoke. “That was actually kinda why I was calling, are you busy today?”

“No, not really,” I told him. “Have a few errands to run, but nothing important.”

“Perfect!” Liam exclaimed. “Would you like to come meet Bear?”

“Of course! What time were you thinking?”

“We'll be around all day, just chillin' at home so you can come whenever you'd like.”

I told him I'd probably be there early in the afternoon, then quickly busied myself with getting ready, eager to get my errands out of the way to go see the cute little baby waiting for me.

-

Liam pulled me into a hug the second he opened the door.

“S'good to see you!” He cheered, giving me a squeeze.

I'd always had a good relationship with the all the boys in the band. Obviously I was closest with Niall and Harry, but the other two (or three, at the start) had quickly accepted me into their family.

“You too, Liam,” I smiled, pulling away and holding up the paper gift bag in my hand. “I brought gifts!”

“You didn't need to do that!” He protested, but I simply rolled my eyes and forced the bag in his hands.

“How will I ever secure the title of favourite aunt if I don't shower him with presents?” Liam laughed and shook his head, but reluctantly took the bag. “Now, where is the little guy?”

Liam's chest puffed up with pride almost subconsciously as he led the way into their living room where Cheryl was sitting, watching her son as he laid on a mat on the floor trying to shove his whole fist in his mouth.

“Oh my gosh, look how tiny he is!” I squealed quietly so I didn't startle the poor thing. Cheryl's face lit up with a proud smile as I quickly leaned down to give her a hug. I'd met Cheryl several times over the years and a handful of times since she became Liam's partner. She was a sweetheart and we'd always gotten along well. “How're you doing? Motherhood treating you well?”

“Absolutely,” She beamed. “Other then the lack of sleep and constantly feeling like a cow waiting to be milked, it's wonderful.”

“You look wonderful, can barely tell you're not sleeping much,” I assured her before my attention drifted to the baby on the floor. I quickly knelt down beside him and leaned over to get a good look at his face, stroking his cheek slightly as he peered up at me. “Hiya mate, how're you? It's so nice to finally meet you. You're so handsome!”

He flashed me a gummy smile at my gushing and kicked his little legs with excitement.

“He just woke up from his nap not too long ago so he should be in a decent mood,” Cheryl told me. “You can hold him if you'd like.”

I nodded eagerly and scooped him into my arms, laughing as he instantly grabbed a fistful of my hair in his little hand.

“Careful,” Liam warned. “He almost took a chunk out of my sister's hair the other day.”

I playfully gasped as I gently wiggled my hair out of his grip.

“You would never do such a thing, would you?” I asked the gurgling baby in my arms. “You're far too cute to cause any trouble.”

That earned a laugh from both his parents.

“Yeah, right,” Cheryl shook her head. “He's more than enough trouble and he knows he's cute enough to get away with it.”

“Well you must take after your Uncle Niall then, he has the same problem. Thinks he can get out of anything by flashing a smile.”

“Speaking of,” Cheryl started, sharing a look with her boyfriend. “When are you two going to start popping out babies. Bear could use a little buddy close to his age.”

I scoffed and moved to the couch, settling Bear in my lap.

“I think I'll be lucky to get a wedding out of Niall at this point, nevermind a baby.” Sympathy took over Cheryl's face and realization washed over me. “Oh god, you already know, don't you? Niall told you all about our fight when he saw you at Wango Tango or whichever show it was so you invited me here to lower my defences with your adorable child and get information for him. I feel betrayed.”

Bear giggled in my lap as if he knew exactly what I was saying as Cheryl shook her head frantically and Liam laughed along with his son.

“Betrayed? God, you have a flare for the dramatics, just like Harry. Must run in the family.” He teased. “I did talk to Niall while I was in America and he's worried about you. He knows you're upset and sad so I figured I'd check in and make sure you're alright. I'm not gathering information for Niall, just checking on a friend.”

“Your parents lured me into a trap, Bear,” I sighed at the little baby looking up at me. “Came here to meet you and keep my mind of things and they want me to talk about my feelings.”

“I just thought it might help you to talk to someone who can see things from both sides,” Cheryl offered. “I've been the one who's on tour, not prioritizing things properly and accidentally hurting people I love and I've been the one who's waiting at home and not always feeling like a priority. It's a tough situation.”

“I know it is,” I admitted. “And I knew what Niall's life was like before we got together and well before we got engaged. I was just looking forward to the wedding so much. We picked a venue, I was ready to start looking at dresses and then all of a sudden it's postponed indefinitely. It was disappointing, but it's my issue, you know? I just have to sulk for a while and then I'll be fine. I've done a lot of thinking the last few weeks and I do kinda understand where he's coming from.”

“Do you?” Liam asked, looking at me skeptically. “Then why have you barely spoken to him since he left?”

“We speak everyday,” I rolled my eyes. “But I keep things a bit brief because talking to him reminds me how much I love him and how excited I am to marry him, but then I remember that that won't be happening any time soon and it makes me sad. I just need some space, that's all.”

Cheryl nodded with understanding, but Liam was still eyeing me up.

“Don't think I didn't hear his voice when you answered your phone. Watching his interviews or Snapchat videos is going to have the same effect as actually talking to him, no?”

“I guess so, but I do miss him. It comforts me to watch them.”

My voice was quiet and I lowered my gaze back to Bear. I felt like a child being scolded by her parents.

“You know I love ya, Avery, but I love Niall more,” Liam informed me, putting his hands on his hips in a protective manner. “If you miss him, call him. Have a real conversation with the poor lad before he goes insane. He thinks you won't get over this, he said you wanted to give back your ring?”

“What?!” I practically shrieked, disturbing the happy baby on my lap. He whined at my outburst and I gently bounced my knee until he calmed down again. “What are you on about? I never tried to give back my ring...”

“Liam,” Cheryl warned. “It's their business. We're here to support her if she wants, not accuse her or meddle.”

Liam ignored her, still staring me down.

“He said that you asked what the point of you even having it was if you weren't getting married anytime soon.”

My eyebrows scrunched up in annoyance as I realized what he was referring to.

“I just said that if we won't even be planning a wedding for another two years then there's no difference between now and when we weren't engaged. I said that it seemed silly for me to even have the ring when he was still more of a boyfriend than a fiance, but I didn't try to give it back and I have no plans to.”

“Then you might want to tell him that,” Liam shrugged. “He's having a tough time with this too. He feels horrible and he looks even worse. I don't think he's had a good night sleep since he left London.”

“I'm trying, Liam,” I told him, getting a touch more defensive. “Besides, for someone so torn up about the whole thing, he hasn't tried that hard to fix it. He could easily have flown back to talk it out with me or asked me to come to LA, but he hasn't. I think we both need some space and time to think about things.”

“Surely asking you to come to LA would just be asking you to rearrange your life for him once again, wouldn't it?”

I scowled, realizing Niall must have told him more about our argument than I first thought. I was about to snap back at him when Cheryl interrupted.

“Liam, that's enough,” She scolded, making Bear's little eyes widen at her tone as he looked over at her. “You said your piece, gave her some things to think about, now drop it. It's not your place.”

Liam looked ready to argue, but after a few moments of silence, his face softened.

“You're right,” He sighed. “Sorry, Avery. I just love both of ya and don't like seeing ya fight. Just give him a call, yeah?”

I forced a smiled and nodded.

“I will,” I assured him. “And I do appreciate the concern. You're daddy's a good friend, Bear.”

Bear shouted in what I assumed was agreement as he kicked his little feet.

-

Liam headed to the studio shortly after our little discussion, leaving me to spend the rest of the afternoon catching up with Cheryl and playing with little Bear. We talked more about the issues I was having with Niall, Cheryl's tactic much less aggressive than Liam's had been and it did help to talk to someone who could see Niall's point of view. She agreed he'd made a mistake by not consulting me before telling the label he had no plans in the near future and by not telling me as soon as he realized that the wedding would have to be postponed, but she also could relate to the excitement of releasing a new album and the tunnel vision that comes along with it. 

Eventually we agreed that I was probably doing the right thing by trying to get a bit of space so that my lingering disappointment didn't cause more arguments and bigger issues, but she recommended I try my best to work through it as quickly as possible because Niall didn't mean to prioritize his work over me. He just made a mistake that any passionate musician could have made.

By the time I'd left that evening, I felt a bit lighter than I had since Niall left. I was still sad that my dream wedding wouldn't be happening for a lot longer than I anticipated, but it helped to hear from someone else that Niall's carelessness wasn't personal, it was just an occupational hazard. I still had a lot to think about and wasn't planning on rushing off to LA full of apologies, but my mind felt much less fuzzy than it had in weeks.

#niall horan fanfiction #niall fic #niall horan fic #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan #years&years

[wbwest]

New Post has been published on WilliamBruceWest.com

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West Week Ever: Pop Culture In Review - 7/28/17

One of the best discoveries I’ve made has been the digital subchannel Heroes & Icons. If you’re a cord cutter, then get yourself an antenna and check this thing out. My favorite aspect of it, however, is the fact that it runs a 5-hour Star Trek block six nights a week. Star Trek at 8, Star Trek: The Next Generation at 9, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine at 10, Star Trek: Voyager at 11, and Enterprise at 12. Sunday through Friday. And on Sundays they actually kick things off with Star Trek: The Animated Series at 7. I’ve pretty much watched nothing but Star Trek for the past 2 weeks. I’ve been reacquainted with favorite episodes, like TNG‘s “Chain of Command” and DS9‘s “Far Beyond the Stars”. I’ve discovered some hidden gems, like TOS‘s ” The Cloud Minders”. I’ve even discovered that I don’t hate Voyager or Enterprise as much as I thought I did.

I don’t talk about this too much, but the first 12 years or so of my life were comprised of pretty much NOTHING but Star Trek. From 1987-94, my favorite show on television was The Next Generation. When DS9 debuted, I expected it to continue my love affair, but it felt too preachy with its Space Holocaust allegory. It was in the later seasons, once the Dominion War began, that it actually ensconced itself as my favorite iteration of the franchise. By the time Voyager debuted, I had discovered comics, and they became my new mistress. While I watched about 4 hours of TNG a day in high school (Channel 20 REALLY loved playing TNG), my heart didn’t have room in it for a new Trek, so I “No time for love, Dr. Jones”‘ed Captain Janeway and her crew. Enterprise debuted when I was in college, and  I was simply too busy worried about other shit to watch Captain Quantum Leap and his crew. Plus, due to some kind of contractual fallout, Ithaca didn’t get UPN. So, since the finale of DS9, my Trekkerdom lay dormant.

But when I say “I’ve forgotten more than you’ll ever know”, that’s primarily about Star Trek. I had several editions of the Star Trek Encyclopedia, I had the Technical Manual, the Technical Journal, the Star Trek Chronology. All of it. I’ve got the figures, and the role play toys. I even created my own uniform for Halloween back in the 90s. I was all Trek, 24/7, and you couldn’t tell me shit. Over time, though, that trivia got overwritten by X-Men 1st appearance notations and the names of TNBC actresses. What I’m saying, though, is that Heroes & Icons brought it all rushing back. It’s like I’m 15 again, blowing the evening watching Star Trek episodes I’ve already seen hundreds of times already. It’s also given me new perspectives on things that completely went over my head when I was younger. For example, Sisko is the Bajorans’ Space Jesus, and that’s pretty heavy. Even he doesn’t believe it, but in the end, yup it turns out he’s Space Jesus. I’ve also got thoughts on the current state of the franchise, too.

At SDCC, we got the above trailer for Star Trek: Discovery, which will air in North America on CBS All Access (yes, Dean, I know you’ll say All Anal Access because it sucks that we have to subscribe to another service just to watch this thing). I had no interest in this show because everything I heard about it didn’t sound like Star Trek. Now, though, the more they try to sell it as a bunch of new ideas, the more it just sounds like DS9. It’s gonna be Trek with interpersonal conflict. Great. I can get down with that. Its aesthetic seems more like late-era Stargate than Trek, though – especially those Klingon designs. There are certain things, though, that still feel like they miss the mark.

Take for example the fact that the show will feature the first same-sex couple on a Star Trek series, played by Rent‘s Anthony Rapp and My So Called Life‘s Wilson Cruz. Yeah, I get that representation is important, but it bothers me that this is being done in a prequel series, set before the events of the original Star Trek. With the exception of Enterprise, this is the series that takes place the closest to our timeline, so it’s really not much of a leap to think that same-sex couples exist. Ya know what would’ve meant more to me (as a straight, cis male who really doesn’t have a dog in the race but is still opinionated)? If the show had actually been a post-Dominion War, sequel series to TNG/DS9/Voyager, and it featured a same-sex couple. Science fiction tends to go 2 ways: it’s either dystopian or it’s about HOPE. As it stands, from what we’ve seen, same-sex couples are pretty much nonexistent in the 24th century. Yeah, I’m sure they exist, but we never saw them. It seems like it would be a testament to how enduring they are to see them that far in the future as opposed to just a couple of hundred years from now, when Discovery is set.

I could also be politicizing this for my own agenda, as I really want to know what happened after the war ended. Sure, there are books and stuff, but those things aren’t canon. I feel there are so many stories to tell from that era, and I’d love to see the franchise move forward instead of dance between the raindrops of continuity in the past. It feels like they’re stalling, which is how it felt with Enterprise and even the Kelvin movies. Someone, somewhere out there has got to have a great idea as to how to move the franchise forward and I hope CBS/Paramount finds them sooner rather than later.

SDCC Bullet Points

The bulk of San Diego Comic Con took place over the weekend, and here’s some stuff that debuted:

Michelle Pfeiffer is Hank Pym’s lost wife, Janet Van Dyne, in Ant-Man and The Wasp

The Captain Marvel film will be set in the 90s, and introduce the Skrulls to the MCU. Oh, and Nick Fury will have 2 eyes

We got this trailer for Ready Player One, which was hella polarizing. It seems a lot of folks hated the book on which it’s based. If you ask me, it just looks like a cinematic version of this commercial:

Comic creator Frank Miller, of 300 and Sin City fame, is writing a Superman: Year One story with art from John Romita Jr. Nothing about that sentence makes me want to open my wallet.

We got a new trailer for X-Men spinoff, The Gifted. I’m actually surprised they used established mutants like Polaris and Thunderbird. And is that actually Fenris?! I want to like this, but it just looks so…Fox.

We got a new trailer for The Defenders on Netflix. I get that this is the culmination of all the Marvel Netflix shows, but it didn’t do much for me since I’ve only seen 2 out of 5 seasons so far. There’s no way I’ll get caught up by this premiere date, but I’m sure it’ll mean more to me once I’m up to date. Kinda tired of the hallway fight trope, though.

Legends of Tomorrow is such a fun show. It started kinda dry, but got so much better last year. It reminds me of a syndicated Saturday afternoon show, but in a good way.

This Justice League trailer did very little for me. It’s like, sure, Wonder Woman’s cool, but we JUST saw her. Aquaman seems cool, but he’s not really “Aquaman”. I’ll see it, but I ain’t looking forward to it. No, for me, November belongs to:

Things You Might Have Missed This Week

We’ll have to wait a bit longer for our annual dose of Abbi and Ilana, as Comedy Central has moved the Broad City season 4 premiere from August 23rd to September 13th

A few months ago, it was reported that Amy Schumer would be starring in a Barbie movie. Well, I made fun of that, she blocked me on Twitter, and then eventually dropped out of the role. Now they’re reporting that Anne Hathaway is up for the role, which is somehow more bewildering than the Schumer choice…

Justin Bieber cancelled the rest of his Purpose world tour because he was “committing his life to Christ”. This pissed off his crew, as they were left without jobs. He, then, proceeded to run over a paparazzo with his truck while leaving church. I swear, you can’t make this shit up!

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos has replaced Bill Gates as the richest man in the world.

Beginning September 29th, Hulu will begin streaming the Warner Bros shows that comprised ABC’s TGIF lineup, including Perfect Strangers, Family Matters, Full House, Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper, and Step By Step. Meanwhile, Netflix is feverishly developing Perfecter Strangers, Family Still Matters, Chillin’ With Mr. Cooper, and Step By Step By Step.

I haven’t seen a non-country music video in years, but apparently they still make them, as Katy Perry will host the 2017 MTV Video Music Awards

Speaking of the VMAs, following the lead of the MTV Movie Awards, they’re doing away with the gendered categories Best Male/Best Female Artist, to be replaced by Artist of the Year. Also, in a bit of pandering,  they’ve created the Best Fight Against the System, for those artists who have called for folks to #RESIST and all that.

Though I felt its farcical nature wore a bit thin during its first season, TBS’s Angie Tribeca has been renewed for season 4.

Smallville‘s Tom Welling is joining Fox’s Lucifer and *yawn* that’s really all there is to say about that.

Netflix has ordered 20 episodes of the animated series Disenchantment from The Simpsons creator Matt Groening. It will features the voices of Nat Faxon, Eric Andre, and Abbi Jacobson. Apparently it’s about elves and trolls and shit. Not really my bag, baby.

Person of Interest‘s Michael Emerson has been cast in a mysterious role for Arrow‘s 6th season. So, he’s probably Deathstroke’s accountant or something.

Because SyFy just doesn’t care anymore, and because they need something to air between Sharknados, Wynonna Earp has been renewed for a 3rd season.

The Wonder Woman sequel has a release date of December 13th, 2019

Apple discontinued the iPod Nano and Shuffle models, as they are the last remaining models that cannot run iOS apps.

Current Superman Henry Cavill grew a mustache for his role in Mission Impossible 37: Mission Harder, which will have to be digitally removed for Justice League reshoots. Ya know, the movie where he’s supposed to be dead, but is actually the worst kept secret in Hollywood.

Lionel Richie and Charlie Puth are in talks to join ABC’s American Idol reboot as judges. Yeah, that’s funny. Unless they’re coaching the contestants on how to get caught cheating while dancing on the ceiling, I’m not sure what Richie’s old ass brings to the table. And Puth is simply too new to be judging anybody.

New James Bond film in 2019. Nobody knows who’s playing him or directing the thing, but it’s coming. Yesiree, Bob!

Since they’re handing out cinematic universes like chicken samples at a food court, the John Wick universe will be expanded by the female-focused film, Ballerina.

Michael Phelps raced a CGI shark and people felt betrayed. He’s the friggin’ son of Poseidon! He can’t race ACTUAL sharks! There would be civil unrest beneath the surface!

With DC being the political capital of the country, it’s hard for a news person to stand out because the place is crawling with them. That wasn’t true, however, for Jim Vance. Everyone knew him and the man was an institution. Coming to NBC4 in 1969, he was one of the first Black anchors in a major news market. He anchored for over 4 decades, ingraining himself into the families of those who watched him.

When I was a toddler, I was really into the local news (I’ve always said I’m regressing as I get older), and I could name every anchor on every local newscast. And this was a golden age of DC news. You had the great Glenn Brenner, you had Maury Povich before he became a talk show host, and you had Vance. There was something about him that made him seem like your aunt’s cool boyfriend. He was an old man with a hoop earring. We used to laugh about it, but secretly I was hating because I knew I’d never be able to pull that off at his age. He rode motorcycles and laughed inappropriately at news stories he found funny. He was a guy who made you glad to watch the news, especially as the cries of Fake News! grew louder.

Back in May, Vance announced that he had been diagnosed with cancer, and it advanced rather quickly. He passed away last Saturday morning, and the announcement touched all corners of the DC area (no, I’m not calling it the DMV!). It was touching to see all of the tributes to him on the local stations, from those who were colleagues and competitors. Last Saturday night, News4 spent the entire 11 PM news talking about Vance and what he meant to DC. This might sound crazy, but it was so refreshing to watch the news without a single drop of actual news being reported. No Trump b.s., no local murders, not even a weather report. Just 30 minutes about a man who we basically grew up with in our homes. I always kinda took him for granted because you just expected he would be there every evening, but I’ve certainly missed him since he’s gone. I know he won’t mean much to those of you outside the DC viewing area, but believe me when I say that everybody here knew who Jim Vance was, and we’re all going to miss him in one way or another. For that reason, Jim Vance had the West Life Ever.

#Books #Comics #Marvel #Movies #Music #Politics #Pop #Race #Relationships #Religion #Social Media #Star Trek #Syndication #Television #TNBC #West Life Ever #West Week Ever #X-Men

[izzybizzylize]

I was bored

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

Ahaha it’s syd soo a little weird but like probably drunk reasons 

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

Tbh I barely remember the last person I kissed. I think it was Luke’s friend haha so nothing 

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

Depends what kind ... weed is fine 

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

Nah exactly 6 

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

DRUNK lols 

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

eh not really I mean it takes two people to mess up a relationship for the most part 

7. What does your last received text say?

Dang it 

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

Uhhhh once before last weekend 

9. Where was your last kiss at?

....my bed oops 

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

Spring breakk 

11. What do you drink in the morning?

coffee and water 

12. Where did you sleep last night?

my comfy ass bed 

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

Can be but they don;t have to be 

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

Ummmm nah not really 

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

What is up with so many kissing questions but nah he was a cool guy 

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

Sunnyyyyy but I like to fall asleep to rain 

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

AHAHA yeah a boy 

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

leggingssss 

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

Maybe ? Hopefully I’ll have a real ex boyfriend by then haha 

20. Does anyone like you?

I think they like the idea of me 

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

Probably ... yeah haha shelly but I’m sure many frat boys were named Sam or something 

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

Nah 

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

I guess no one comes to mind right away tho 

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

Eh not really 

25. In the past week have you cried?

nahhh 

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

omg it looked like a lab but it was smaller and fatter ahaha 

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

outttt 

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

Maybe? I think so or at least I believed them if they said they were 

29. Do you think you’re old?

eh kinda but not really 

30. Do you like text messaging?

sometimes 

31. What type of day are you having?

Normal sunday sooo lazy and filled with schoolwork I should be doing haha 

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

yeahhh 

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

WARM OBVIOUSLY 

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

yeah like my brother haha but friend wise I guess maybe one or two 

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

Both haha 

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

A bit of both I guess 

37. What song are you listening to?

Nothing but I need to listen to Jermaine Cole 

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

Most of the time  39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

uh my sister but even then everyone has their own thoughts and such  40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

haha there’s no one really I like except that beautiful man at the gym with green eyes haha  41. When did you last receive a text message?

Today  42. What is wrong with you right now?

I ate too much haha and I’m broke  43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

We’re Bff’s  44. Does anyone disgust you?

Um probably Donald Trump haha and Rapists  45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

Nah but give it some time then ya 46. Are you in a good mood right now?

Content chillin chillin 47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

Kirstennn  48. What color shirt are you wearing?

White  49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

nah  50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

no I don’t really give up on anyone tbh  51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

AHAHAA um .... no just confused 

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

mmmm not really  53. Do you like rain?

Yessir! 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

Nope as long as it’s not an addiction  55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

Prob  56. Do you like to cuddle?

Hell yeahhhh  57. Are you shy?

Can be  58. Do you get along with girls?

Yaaa I think so!  59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

No haha  60. What do you carry with you at all times?

My phone which is kind of annoying tbh  61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

Not alone haha  62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

Yeah ... have I .... ahah no  63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

NA I’M A LONELY BITCH  64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

Yeah that’s pretty cute tbh  65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

Probably I can’t remember tho .. probably something my students said  

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

ummmmm like 21-23

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?    

Id rather get them done haha I’m so bad at doing my own  68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

uhhhh leopard I guess  69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

Nah I need to put a Dewey Beach one on tho  70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? 

Old lil wayne haha     71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?   

iPhone   72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? 

Ummm maybe last year ? or during camp this summer     73. Do you like diet soda?    

It’s okay like diet coke and rum is good haha  74. What color are the walls in your room?  

White my old room I used to have pink and turquoise haha    75. Are you 16 or older?    

Yeah  76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?  

Nah   77. Do you have a job?    

About to start a summer one and babysitting if that counts haha    78. What are your initials?    

E.V.B 79. Did you ever have braces?   

Yeah my teeth were fucked up   80. Are you from the south?    

Nope 

81. What does your last status on facebook say?   

I haven’t made a status in like a year ... I have no idea I’m just there for the memes tbh  82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    

A little bit 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?   

Daddddd   84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

Both but only a gymnastics camp so idk if that counts haha  85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    

uhhhh I think it was in the summer I think it was Aloha  86. Do you smoke?    

Not usually but I will every now and then I want to get high soon haha  87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

Depends on the day ... wedges lol it’s the best of both  88. Is your phone touch screen?   

Yah   89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? 

Straightish      90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?   

Not really   91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?  

Depends! All three haha    92. Have you ever made out in a car? 

Yeahhhhhh mannnn     93. …Had sex in a car?     Yes. But not in a while. I actually quite like it haha  94. Are you single or in a relationship?    

Singleeeee  95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    

Being drunk at grottos  96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?  

Summer July 4th    97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

It’s okay could be clearer  98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    

Yeahhh like all my relationships  99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

Not really. I’ve been like super tired and drinking made it worse haha  100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?   

Nah people I don’t really care about yes but not hate   101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

ahaha yes  102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    

ALL but We R who We R is a must  103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    

Not really .... I need to get tanner haha  104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?  

Yes! Halloween, country concert, etc... 

[beardedd0nut]

Chillin and killin

Alright alright alright. It's been a while yes, I got busy then for a little while I got drunk, then I got tired so sue me here's the newest update. Bongripper in Chicago was fucking sweet as. Just a visceral assault of noise from them for a good hour and a half. The band's before weren't too bad, minus the ones that looked like they had a Neo Nazi for a vocalist. But yeah Bongripper were on another level, yet if you'd have given me a need to sleep in at that show I easily would've taken a nap. Flying out the next day we might early but well worth it as I was getting back to Texas. Austin treated me amazingly well from the get go, minus the raging humidity. Got in and the room was ready so I dumped all my shit got a list of places to go from the front desk and immediately ignored it and went to Allen's boots. The aroma of that place hits you before anything else. Tones of leather. The strongest thickest leather smell lingers in the air and it's incredible. As per usual my shallow pockets couldn't keep up with my high hopes so instead of boots I got the next best Texas thing. A big ass belt buckle. Great belt as well, should've gotten two. The evening was followed with a nice pub crawl of people at the hostel. Only about 5 or 6 of us but the conversation and friendliness of every was great. We got back at two, though I'm not quite sure how and the next day was a touch groggy. That was all good though as the cure we just around the corner. And by corner I mean like a 15 minute drive in fasten, basically uber but somehow feels seedier. Black's BBQ, as per I was told to go to, is the literal incarnation of heaven on earth. The brisket is to die for. I legitimately would've been happy if I never ate again after that meal. Then I had to walk it off lest I wound up in a food coma never to leave Black's again. The evening for me held 2 films at the incredible Ritz Alamo Drafthouse. Good service straight to your seat, one warning then expulsion for people on phones or taking during the movie. It was also a beautiful old theatre but fuck it was nice not hearing people talk or get distracting during a film. The First film was called stalker. A Russian distopian-esque Sci Fi art film. It was a good watch and nicely shot, even if I'm not fully sure what it was about. I think it was much more about humanity and belief and the psyche more than the storyline portrayed but it'd need more watches. The second film was escape from New York. Classic, still not my favourite carpenter, but undeniable in its pop culture rooting. The following day consisted of chilling out at the hostel with some new friends. Seeing alien covenant, it was meh. Felt more like a 3 film in a 4 part series than a sequel. And then more drinking. It was a bad move. A bigger pub crawl was had with drinking games beforehand and needles to say when though my flight wasn't till 1i was still feeling the hangover when I hit Denver. The hostel I stayed at in Austin was really great though. Couldn't recommend it enough, right off 6th Street so if you're keen to party is prime real estate. Great helpful staff to hang out with, and just full of awesome people from round the world getting up to different shenanigans around town. Denver day one saw me getting over the hangover. Wandering to an ATM that wound up being in a hospital, that was awkward as fuck. Then the thing I'd been waiting all weekend for Vulfpeck. I can not speak more highly about Vulfpeck and their opener Joey Dosik. They are all incredibly talented musicians floating around the stage between organs and drums and guitars and saxophones. Their technical prowess along with their ability to hold a crowd was spectacular. I'm so happy I got to see them and happier still that we got two encores and I got a signature from Joey at the end of the show. Second day in Denver I hit up the art museum. Started breakfast with Voodoo donuts, more like cakes than donuts if I'm perfectly honest. The museum was really nice. Decked out with multiple levels of contemporary and classic art it has something for everyone. Their native American art exhibit is just breathtaking. So much culture and each group different from the last. The main reason I went was to see the western in film exhibition. It was all about you guessed it western movies, but it also showed how the films came about and hour the directors we're inspired by the paintings of years gone by. The artwork before the film side of things is stunning, so much life had been captured in the paint that at times they liked more realistic then some photographs. The film stuff was also really cool and immediately The iconic shots you know and love can be seen to have its roots in the artwork. The western is a genre I haven't seen enough of, but is something that I think at this I will have to explore further and come at from a different angle than I had before. After watching a hobo brawl break out in front of the museum I cruised down to 16th Street mall and got some food at another recommendation, Henry's tavern. The food was delicious, a pulled pork burger topped with fried egg and jalapenos. If I had the right crew with me however the afternoon would've been very messy as I saw the amount of beer on tap. I'm guessing probably 40 +. The bought had consisted of more chills with some new peeps at the guest house I'm staying in. Good times, great classic hits, sitting on a porch. I'm enjoying Denver so far, but it's also nothing like it expected. The people are great, but the city itself feels a little weird. Anyway I've got a couple shenanigans planned for tomorrow then it's off to Portland disgustingly early Friday. Catchyas later.

[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

7 Gluten Free Frozen Foods Always Found in a Celiac's Freezer

New blog post!

You've probably heard the saying: "If you fail to plan, you're planning to fail." Well, when it comes to eating gluten free with celiac disease, that quote is - for better or worse - 100% true. Although a gluten free diet doesn't have to be complicated, planning to have a few items on hand can make it even easier. My favorite secret weapon? Freezer foods.

In fact, on National Frozen Foods Day (today, in case you thought "Monday" and "holiday" was a paradox), I'm celebrating the foods I always have stashed in my freezer.

Whether you have celiac disease, eat gluten free or just want a healthier diet, here are seven foods (plus a handful of entire, allergy-friendly meals!) to keep in your freezer for easy breakfasts, snacks and savory meals!

Breakfast

1. Frozen spinach, zucchini/squash, berries, bananas, etc. 

Anytime you open my freezer, you'll always find some frozen produce. The exact fruits and veggies often vary by the season. For example, during the fall, I often freeze pomegranate seeds to keep them from going bad (and to enjoy them for the longest as possible). In the summer, you can find fruits like cantaloupe and berries that were on sale. 

Some of the staples that always appear, though, are frozen spinach and chopped bananas. I can use them in my smoothies, but they also have a wide variety of other uses. The spinach can be defrosted and used for pizza, stir-frys, or really any baked/sautéed meal. Meanwhile, the bananas can be blended into banana ice cream, eaten straight out of the freezer (for a sweet, refreshing snack) or even defrosted and used in baked goods when you're low on ripe bananas. 

Using defrosted frozen bananas makes this granola extra thick and clustery!

In my opinion, you can never go wrong with frozen fruits and veggies! 

2. Pre-made smoothies. Now that I'm working (almost) full-time, I don't have the luxury of making a fresh smoothie every morning. Luckily, I've discovered that making a huge batch of smoothies ahead of time and defrosting them as needed works just as well! 

The process is simple. First, create your smoothie as usual (may I suggest recipes like my Zucchini Bread Nice Cream, classic Banana Ice Cream, or Breakfast Buddha Bowl?). Then, pour your smoothies into freezer-safe containers. I like using glass mason jars or glass Tupperware. One pro tip: instead of putting on a lid to your mason jar, simply cover the top with a small plastic bag. 

I made the mistake of screwing on jar lids and, when the smoothies expanded as they froze, they actually cracked my mason jars. (There were a few tears, I'll admit). Alternatively, you can be sure to leave two to three inches or so of space for the smoothie to expand. 

This buddha bowl's base was actually pre-made and defrosted!

Once you're ready to eat, simply pop your jar in the microwave and use the "defrost" setting. Personally, I microwave my 16-ounce mason jar for 7 minutes and that's about perfect! 3. Homemade bliss balls, popcorn truffles or banana bombs. I'll admit that I'm not a huge snacker. However, when I need something sweet, I love having some homemade treats waiting for me in the freezer. All of these recipes include dates, which keeps the balls/truffles/bombs from freezing solid in the freezer. 

I enjoy making around 12 to 20 treats at a time, which usually lasts me a month or so (depending on my cravings). These are especially delicious during the summer since they can be a cool, refreshing treat. These can also be great toppings for smoothie bowls, yogurt parfaits or even oatmeal (especially if you make cookie-dough flavors).

Definitely close-up worthy...

Savory Meals 4. Daiya cheese mozzarella shreds or homemade cheese sauce.

Sometimes a girl just needs a bowl (or plate) full of dairy-free cheesy goodness, am I right? While I won't claim that Daiya cheese is health food, it's delicious in small amounts - and you really don't need a ton to give your meal a cheesy kick. When I first bought Daiya cheese, I kept it in the fridge, but it could get moldy way before its expiration date. 

Keeping it in the freezer, on the other hand, works PERFECTLY. After all, you're typically adding heat to melt the cheese anyway, so having the shreds be frozen really doesn't affect the final product. My favorite uses for quick, easy meals are sprinkle Daiya cheese on some sautéed veggies, on my stuffed spaghetti squash or zucchini boat/ball or in potato wedge nachos. 

That little sprinkle of Daiya cheese on top <3

I also love having easy access to my homemade vegan cheese sauce (based off of TheVegan8's recipe). The sauce doesn't take long to make, but using the frozen version can turn stove top mac n' cheese into a five-minute process. This sauce doesn't stay the same creamy texture once frozen and defrosted, but it works just the same in slow cooker meals or when heated up in a pan for dipping. 

5. Food for Life Rice Tortillas, Outside the Breadbox buns or Canyon Bakehouse breads.

Although I'm probably eating more breads and processed gluten free foods than ever before, I still don't eat the same ones every day. To keep my gluten free goodies super fresh, I put them in heavy-duty Ziploc bags and toss them in the freezer. 

Food for Life rice tortillas (which just released a new black rice flavor!) make delicious chips. All I do is take part of a tortilla from the freezer and put it in a sauce/frying pan. Let it defrost for a few minutes and then put the heat on high. Cook until crispy, flipping the pieces regularly and watching carefully since they can burn super fast. Once crunchy, devour! 

The purple chips hiding in the purple brick background!

Meanwhile, gluten free breads can just be taken out of the freezer a few hours ahead of time to defrost naturally or be defrosted for a few seconds in the microwave. Just be sure to not over-nuke them, or else they'll taste overly chewy.

6. Cooked rice or other grains.

This one's easy to understand. Especially when I was still in college (and, fingers crossed, when I'm in grad school next year!), sometimes even minute rice took too long to make. So, I'd cook big batches of rice over the weekend and freeze small portions that could be defrosted as needed. 

You can use the exact same approach to cook, freeze and defrost other grains like quinoa, millet or buckwheat. You can let the grain defrost naturally by leaving it out on the counter (or in your fridge) a few hours before eating. Or, you can enlist the help of the magic microwave! Sometimes the grains taste a little drier once defrosted, so some especially delicious uses can be in casseroles or saucy dishes. 7. Frozen chickpeas, black beans, fish, or other meat. You didn't think I'd forget about protein, did you? However you get your protein, you can make sure the food stays good by freezing it until needed. When I was eating a lot of fish, I'd buy fish when it was on sale (yay Sprouts!) and freeze it until I was ready to cook it. I also froze pre-cooked portions for easy meals later on. 

My "snack plate" dinner addiction lately...

Now that I'm eating more plant-based protein, I'm still getting my money's worth out of my freezer and microwave. I've discovered that black beans and chickpeas freeze super well. Try to freeze them as flattened/spread out as possible in a Ziploc bag. Then, you can just break off however much you need for each meal and defrost that portion. Frozen beans work especially well if you're smashing them, adding them to a soup or stew or even throwing them in the slow cooker. 8. The freezer king: leftovers. 

Finally, the most obvious (and possibly delicious) form of freezer food: leftovers. Having an entire meal in the freezer was a huge blessing during midterms or finals week or just on long days when I didn't (and still don't) have any energy to cook. Some of my favorite freezer meals (from my recipes and other bloggers) include:

Paleo Banana Bread (with Coconut Flour): we freeze banana bread all the time in our house - and the best surprise is definitely finding a loaf wedged in the back that you forget about!

GF Buckwheat Waffles: excuse me as a I wipe the drool off of my computer screen...

Red Enchilada Sauce: this is the homemade enchilada sauce my mom and I swear by. Even though it doesn't take long to make, having it pre-made and frozen makes enchiladas super easy to throw together!

Slow Cooker Vegan Mac n' Cheese: I was amazed how well my slow cooker mac and cheese defrosts, especially if you add a little fresh Daiya cheese shreds or cheese sauce when you're about to serve it.

Vegetarian Black Bean Breakfast Burritos: I've honestly never had a breakfast burrito, but having some (healthy and homemade) freezer burritos on-hand is GENIUS!

Best Ever Black Bean Soup: I've recently become addicted to black bean soup, so this is definitely going to join my freezer in the near future!

Vegan Chocolate Chip Freezer Cookies: 'cause what's better than chocolate chip cookies? Always having chocolate chip cookies within reach (in your freezer)!

4-Ingredient Chocolate & Peanut Butter Freezer Fudge: now these could be dangerous...

I know some people hate on leftovers...but I will always be their biggest fan. I mean, what's better than free, delicious food that you didn't even have to cook? 

Luscious leftovers...

Now, I will never say that eating gluten free as a celiac is easy. However, I can 100% agree that eating gluten free gets easier the more experienced and prepared you become. And when you have a bunch of delicious, allergy-friendly ingredients chillin' (pun intended) in your freezer, making a quick, easy and scrumptious breakfast, snack, lunch or dinner can be as easy as 1-2-de-freeze! 

What foods do you keep in your freezer? Do you like any of the brands I've mentioned? Comment below! 

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