#i’m scared of moose and hippos

[fahbev]

Unstoppable Force meets Immovable Object

(That title kinda sucks and is subject to change) If you saw my last post, you can skip ahead. It’ll be pretty obvious where the new stuff starts.

If you aren’t familiar with the “humans are space orcs” genre, I highly recommend searching up #humans are space orcs. I wanted to focus on the implications of being a “space orc”, and the kind of complex it would give someone long term. I also wanted to explore how it would affect different characters differently; so here I present two case studies;

A hippo and a moose walk into a bar. Metaphorically.

The human Sofia sits at the bar. The seats within six feet of her are all empty. She guzzles her fifth citrus drink - apparently most species are affected by it similarly to alcohol, and some weaker species would be dead by the fifth drink. Sofia remains unaffected. She could drink 30 and be unaffected. All her drinks combined are about half as potent as an orange slice. It doesn’t even taste good. She slams her empty goblet on the table, all for show. The conversations nearby hush even further, and the fearful whispers start up again. Good. She should be feared.

The door opens. In comes a gust of wind, and a hulking figure. No one in the bar is talking now.

Sofia slowly turns to face the door. She sizes up the newcomer. They’re big, not twice Sofia’s height, but a few feet shy. Not that it matters, when she’s wrestled creatures the size of bears before. The armor plating though, it sported a recognizable pattern. The forelimbs too, that were an odd combination of insectoid legs and tentacles, were a dead giveaway. This was a rragletatch. One of the most feared species in the multiverse, from one of the deadliest worlds known to the galactic community. They’re as rare as humans too. She smirks. Finally, a worthy opponent.

Some chatter starts up again as the rragletatch begins to walk up to the bar, pretending to ignore Sofia. It was still eerily quite, considering this was a bar, and people were drunk. A few gasps and screams echo when Sofia abruptly stands up, knocking over her stool. Her smirk widens into a grin. She stalks confidently up to the rragletatch stranger, and stands close enough that they can’t ignore her. Several people began filing out of the building, while others chose to stay. “So.” The alien greets her.

“You’re one of those infamous rragletatchen I hear of, no? The ones who are supposedly suuuuper scary?”

“Yes, I am rragletatchen. You’re human, right?”

“Damn right.”

“well then.”

A long pause. Practically the whole bar was listening in anticipation.

“Fight me.” Sofia’s expression didn’t waver. On Earth, she never could have looked so intimidating while staring so far up at someone.

“No.” what? “Oh? You scared? I thought you were supposed to be tough or something.” The stranger didn’t look scared, but they must be. Why else would they not want to fight?

“I’m not scared.”

“Then square up bitch. See who’s stronger. Finally put it to the test.”

“No.”

The whispers now were not of fear, but of confusion.

“I will not engage in needless violence,” the rragletatch continued, “contrary to the stereotype of my kind, I will not harm others if at all avoidable. Attack me if you will, I refuse to fight you.” The rragletatch stood still in a wide, but open stance, as if preparing to be hit. Sofia felt a flash of guilt. Something about attacking an opponent who refused to fight back felt wrong.

“You don’t want to see? Find out who the real champion is?” Sofia pushed aside her feelings and stared up. Unafraid, taunting as ever.

“No. My parents, grand parents and great grandparents before me have embraced a sacred philosophy of pacifism. It saddens me that my kind is known only for cuttthroat violence, only because of our home and biology. I refuse to hurt you. Do you truly wish to hurt me?”

Sofia was a bit shocked to say the least. When she realized her jaw was open and her head cocked, she quickly schooled her expression. That question though... she thought she did. But usually she just liked to brawl. Scare people. Assert dominance. When faced with an unwilling opponent who would not be scared of her... she realized she did not wish to cause harm. She never liked hurting people, that was never the fun of it.

“No.” Sofia sighed. She slouched from her offensive stance and backed over to her seat. “Come, sit with me.” It was phrased like a command, but really it was an offer. Everyone knew Sofia would have a hard time forcing this stranger to do anything. The rragletatch followed reluctantly. Sofia picked up her stool and plopped herself haphazardly on it. The stranger sat more eloquently on one of the many seats next to her.

“I’m Sofia.”

“Yal-sre.”

People moved their seats even farther from the Death-Worlders, or as some call them, orcs. Suddenly, Yal-sre relaxed their whole body.

“Wow.” Yal-sre almost whispered

“What?” Yal-sre made a sound that, in aliens with exoskeletons, tended to equate to a soft laugh.

“To be completely honest, I thought you were going to kill me.”

Sofia barked a laugh.

“hey! I’ve never met a human before! I didn’t want to judge based on reputation due to my own, but you came on pretty aggressively!”

“Yeah, I’m the apex predator ‘round these parts, and I plan to keep it that way. Still though, I ain’t gonna fight you if you don’t wanna.”

“That’s a relief.”

Neither knew what to say next, and suddenly the nearby silence was so loud. Fortunately, a few conversations began to pick back up now that they were talking peacefully.

“What’s your planet like?” Sofia asked.

“My planet, Challrk, is beautiful. It has vast plains of purple vshink, glowing with bioluminescent insects. Sure, they bite. Sure, I’ve been stung, bitten, chased and harassed by many a critter, but Challrk is a truly incredible place. It has high mountains that stretch beyond the atmosphere, and colors some planets can’t imagine. Our sky is orange and pink, if you can believe that. What’s Earth like?”

“Earth. It’s a rough and tumble place, you can’t survive there without being Hardy. I’ve been chased by swarms of wasps and stung repeatedly more than once. I stepped on a bee and couldn’t walk properly for days. I’ve been stung by jellyfish, and went back into the bay knowing they were there with no protection. Unafraid. Earth is rough, our fauna is often hostile and transmits thousands of deadly ailments, much of our flora is poison. Our weather conditions alone could wipe out an entire species instantly. Earth is extreme.”

“i’m sure that’s true, but that’s what you’ve been told. By people who have never been there. People who are scared because they couldn’t survive there. But what is it actually like? What do you remember?”

“I- I remember the heavy storms. I remember punching a goose and having to go to the hospital. I remember- I remember the blue skies. Fluffy white clouds, flocks of songbirds. I remember walking barefoot because I loved the green grass under my feet, not because I was trying to face danger. I remember a loving family, playing with friends. Warmth and love. I remember going in the bay because I loved the feeling of swimming and playing in the water, not because I wanted to be tougher than the jellyfish. Earth is- Earth is a BEAUTIFUL place and it makes me ANGRY” Sofia slammed both her fists on the table, “that all it’s known for is being dangerous.” A few satisfying screams and gasps rang off in response. Sofia looked over at Yal-sre. When they didn’t say anything, “I can’t read your face or body language. Can you give me a description?” This was actually a normal question to ask, in places where species were mixed.

“Uh, understanding, I’ve been there. Pleased that we’re getting somewhere. Uhhhhh, still kinda scared of you though. Sorry,” Yal-sre answered. Sofia gaped for a second, before she gave another rough laugh, knowing she probably sounded unhinged to the alien. “Ah!” Yal-sre yelped, “What- what are yours?” Sofia laughed harder. “laugher can mean many things, in most cases it means ‘amused’. Right now, I am laughing at you, meaning I’m being rude because I find your fear amusing. If there was any non-human who wouldn’t be scared of me, I thought it would be the damn rragletatch. You guys are supposed to be tough shit, but you’re pathetic.”

Yal-sre paused. “Well, yeah. Some of us are tougher than others.”

“Hm, yeah I guess it’s kinda the same with humans. That makes sense. Obviously if you put a fearless human who’s tougher shit than most together with the most timid rragletatch, of course you’d be scared.”

“I’m not the most timid! I’m normal! I’ll bet most humans would be scared of me too, after hearing how “dangerous” we are for so long.”

“Maybe. Humans are tough, but I’ll admit they’re not all like me.” Yal-sre did an odd motion with their... shoulder?

“Translation? I don’t speak shoulder,” Sofia attempted to mimic the motion.

“Understanding, but now amused. Anyway, does it bother you?”

“Does what?” “The fact that everyone is afraid of you? ... even me?”

“I like being feared.”

“Do you?” Sofia took a long sip of her drink - which probably made it look like she was drowning her sorrows - to avoid answering the question. When she was done, she placed the goblet face down on the bar to signal to the bartender that she was ready for a refill. The metal was dented... she had put it down too forcefully.

“Oops.” Though it had been an accident, her voice held no remorse.

NEW STUFF STARTS HERE!

“And yes. I do like being feared.”

“If you say so. I can’t speak to human psychology. Say, did you drink that entire thing?”

“Yup. I had four others too.” “Really? You don’t seem drunk at all.”

“It’s just citrus. Doesn’t affect me. Back home we give much more concentrated juice to our young children, it tastes way better too.”

“Oh, I get it. On Challrk we give concentrated fentanyl to our kids.” Sofia gave Yal-sre a look, even knowing it might not translate across body languages. Yal-sre seemed to get it though; “Yeah, yeah, I know. But it doesn’t affect us! It’s the same as your citrus drinks, fentanyl occurs naturally in the blood of prey animals, and their blood is very nutritious and tasty to young rragletatchen.”

“yeah, that makes enough sense.” Sofia drummed her fingers on the table, “Isn’t it weird? All aliens have biology differences, nothing seems crazy anymore because everyone is so crazy to each other. But when it’s us, suddenly it’s just more proof of how hardened and tough we are. Being immune to citrus or fentanyl doesn’t make us any scarier. Not really.”

“It’s because our planets are no-fly zones. And- I guess there’s a bunch of reasons. Just because we can be dangerous doesn’t mean we’re aggressive though.”

“Speak for yourself.”

“Okay- actually, in a minute I will, but first- I can tell that you want to seem tough. I’m sure you’re plenty tough to back it up, but I just want to assure you that you don’t have to pretend. People will think you’re tough and scary no matter what you do. For better or worse.”  “Body language: unimpressed.”

“Okay I’ll- I’ll stop now. ‘Speak for myself’, as you said.”

“You’d better.”

A small, shy noise from behind the counter. Both “space orcs” turned to look. The bartender’s ears were flattened.

“Excuse me, Mx. is that another refill?” The bartender cautiously reached out to flip Sofia’s goblet back over.

 “... get me a kids’ drink this time, surprise me. This shit tastes like garbage anyway.”

The bartender looked surprised. Sophia was surprised herself, that she was able to read them.

“Right away Mx. And for you... oh- I-” the bartender took two steps back upon recognizing Yal-sre.  “Right, I forgot why I was here. It definitely wasn’t for a drink.” Yal-sre stood up, seeming much more intimidating than when Sophia had approached them.

“Oh.” The bartender backed away farther, making themself smaller as well, “Is there anything else I can get you?”

“Actually, Aolli, I think there is. If you come with me out back, there are some answers I’d like to order.”

The bartender - scratch that - Aolli gulped, and dipped their head. Sophia was again impressed by the very Earthly body language. “Coming right up, Sir.”

Pt 2: https://www.tumblr.com/bahfev/715216491195269120/unstoppable-force-meets-immovable-object-pt2?source=share

#humans are space orcs #OC: Sophia #OC: Yal-Sre #alien bar #the poor bartender #OC: Aolli #UFMIO #Unstoppable Force Meets Immovable Object #this is unedited #Okay its slightly edited #humans are terrifying #I don’t envy Aolli #Imagine trying to serve alcohol to a hippo who’s sitting next to a moose #and the moose wants to take you to a secluded location #to get “answers” #Sophia: now THIS i’ve gotta see #poor Aolli is gonna be followed by the hippo too #and the hippo’s a lot meaner

[thechildoflightning]

random thought but do any of the JKSF lads™ have any fears (understandable, questionable, any at all I'm just suddenly Cruoius™)

Oh Boi. So Many Fears

TW: so I was going to do trigger warnings before realizing that this kinda of is just a list of trigger warnings. To be more clear- it would be redundant to post warnings bc I list them in the ask w/o going in depth. Please read with caution.

Roman

I think Roman’s main most serious fear is him or someone he loves facing hate crimes.

Bleach

He fears for his husbands and family’s safety

Alligators scare the shit out of him bc he comes to Florida for college and one day a fucking alligator was just crossing the street which was just terrifying as fuck and everyones just acting normal and Roman’s like w t f is Florida

Police

Wind/thunder storms

Being zapped by electricity when plugging in electronics

Being drugged (though this is def more of a background fear)

Failure

He fucking hates needles

Patton

Spiders. He doesn’t fuck with spiders

Similar to Roman, hate crimes

Patton fears losing his partners and family

That one is actually a pretty recurring fear of his

Patton also- well I'm not sure I’d consider it a fear but I also would? But just his chronic pain getting worse. He fears being in more pain for longer

Police

Being misgendered/not passing as male

Seizures

Raw fish- he doesn’t trust it

Horror movies and jump scares

Supernatural shit

Stapling his hand/himself

F u r b i e s 

Logan

He wouldn’t admit, but he’s scared of raised voices. He says he just doesn’t like them bc it’s overwhelming sensory wise

And to be fair that’s true 

But it's not the entire truth

He also doesn’t like people blocking exits, though I’m not sure I’d consider that a fear

Ocean

Space

He loves both but there's such a vastness to them and so many things that are unexplored that it’s terrifying

His fear is actually one of the big reasons he loves the two things

Climate change

Not being autistic and ‘faking it’ this entire time

Not meeting expectations

Time travel

Change

Puppets

Not being listened to/believed

Shitty tv ads promoting random medicines, devices, inventions, etc

Capitalism

Police

Virgil

Jesus Christ where to even start??

Omg i was r i g h t /s -Max (max is an a+ friend)

Adults, especially adults that are larger than him and/or hold a superior position over him

Being burned

Hot water

Loud noises

Aggression

People he cares about getting hurt

People blocking exits

Night/dark

Gore

Cults/ to some degree religion

Losing his dog

Losing the people he loves

The people he loves being used against him

The people he loves leaving him

The people he loves being hurt

Killing himself

Hurting himself

Dissociating

Crowds

Looming people

Weapons

Dead bodies (especially the smell)

Not knowing things

Feeling unsafe

Being kidnapped

Being drugged

People behind him/not knowing what’s behind him

People grabbing him

Screaming

Mental treatment facilities (he had positive experiences for the most part, but it was still scary and he clings out to some of that fear)

Being poisoned

Being alone

Not having food/water

His liver failing

Spilling shit/stains

Creaking noises doors make at night

Losing important documents

Confrontation

Talking to people

Change/new situations/experiences

That his current life that he’s happy in being a dream

Moose

Those little burr things getting stuck in his dogs paws

His pup getting burned from asphalt while walking

Remy

Losing her independence/autonomy

Feeling helpless

Losing Cha-Cha

Vulnerability

Hate crimes

People randomly grabbing her to ‘help’ her

Cancer

Porcelain dolls

Forgetting who someone is but  they know her and they expect her to also know them when they’ve met like,,, maybe once when remy was like five

Sprinklers starting

Cryptids, specifically the Loch Ness Monster

Capitalism 

Deceit

Also everything

Adults, especially adults that are larger than him and/or hold a superior position over him

Being burned

Hot water

Loud noises

Aggression

People he cares about getting hurt

People blocking exits

Night/dark

Gore

Cults/Religion

Threats

Strangers

Not knowing things

Feeling unsafe

Being kidnapped

Being drugged

People behind him/not knowing what’s behind him

People grabbing him

Weapons

His parents finding him

The cult finding him again

Knowing that if the cult wasn’t busted he’d probably be the future leader of the cult

Manipulation/gaslighting

Religious texts

Latin

People using people/things against him

Hurting people, specifically virgil

Having connections to others 

Being vulnerable

technology/the modern world

Glass

His snakes getting loose and then getting lost/hurt

Libraries

Ice skating 

Capitalism

Lead paint

Remus

Bugs

Hallucinations

His family/people he cares about dying and or getting hurt

Hurting himself (especially stabbing himself)

People conspiring against him/going behind his back

The government (especially the government listening to/watching him)

Tiny holes

Harvesting avocado trees again

Hippos

Intrusive thoughts

Double sided tape

His insignificance in the world

Shower gel

Being zapped by electricity when plugging in electronics

#ts roman #ts patton #ts logan #ts virgil #ts remy #ts sleep #ts deceit #ts remus #ptsd #trauma #abuse #weapons #spider #hallucinations #schizophrenia #bugs #tiny holes

[abbi-normals-brain]

A Credible Threat

An interview between a human from Australia, and a highly credulous alien tasked with cataloging and rating potential threats and hazards throughout the galaxy. Derived loosely from a recent writing prompt I saw lurking Reddit. I don't post there, so here it is.

"We had a war with them, you know."

The human puts the "cigarette" to his mouth again. The smoke activates the extractors, which are calibrated to remove all toxins from the atmousphere almost as soon as they appear.  You scroll through your notes with one tentacle, looking for a mention of whom he's referring to.

"A war? With the...the large criminal faction typically referred to as 'The English', I presume? I understand your people were exiled from--"

The human interupts you with a harsh laugh, like the sounds made by the dogs you'd unsuccessfully tried to interview earlier in this experiment. You make a note to re-open the issue of whether these sounds may  constitute a spoken language after all.

"A 'criminal faction'! Ha, that's a good one! But Nah, mate. I didn't mean England. I mean the damn emus."

"...emus?"

"Emus." Ash falls from the glowing tip, and you nervously check your notes. Who let him have that thing? It must constitute some kind of hazard rating. The preliminary analysis from the lab decribes the item as 'a thin tube of bleached fibrous material containing dried plant matter of the Earth genus Nicotiana which has typically been impregnated with preservatives and other compounds. Nicotiana is very toxic in large enough doses, and alters neurochemical makeup with consistant exposure, but it is vanishingly difficult to expose oneself to these conditions unintentionally, particularly in a well-ventilated space. One end is hot when in use, but the items were judged largely harmless and placed in the lowest threat category.' Hm. Fine. Doesn't seem right, but the lab technicians generally know what they're doing.

"Expand on this, please."

"They're bloody emus! What else is there to say?! You mean to tell me you guys went cruising around in your little UFO grabbing up randos from all over Australia--"

"We  actually took samples from an evenly distributes pattern of points across the surface of your world."

"And NONE of them told you about emus?!"

"No."

The human snorted and shakes his head. You enter a few notes, waiting for him to continue, and when he doesn't, you do.

"You are the first subject to mention them. Frankly, the first to mention war with an non-human animal at all, and I can't say I'm not suspicious of your claims."

"Suspicious? Mate, it's just how the place is. First thing people think of when they think of Australia."

"The Galactic Travel Guide is familiar with many of Earth's most dangerous predators outside of yourselves. We've heard about the lions. We've heard about the hippos, and how they're actually much more dangerous than the lions. We've heard quite a lot about the moose. We've even heard of your screaming, spitting black and white geese. We've even heard of the small population of flightless dragons with necrotic saliva.  But the idea of creatures such as these attempting to make war on the dominant sapients of the planet--"

"It was a little more than an attempt, mate," the human muttered.

"You don't mean to suggest--"

"Yeah. Yeah, they won."

"..."

"Twice."

"Is it something about your treatment aboard ship that makes you so obstructionist in these interviews? You know that if you simply answer our questions about the hazards your species navigate on your planet, we will return you to your home. Most of our other samples have completed this task, been mindwiped of the experience, and returned to their normal lives."

"Nah, the food's great. The room's comfortable. I'm not 'obstructionist'. I'm just tellin' you what's out there."

"And what else is there?"

"Kangaroos."

"Go on."

"Long tail. They can stand on it a little. Hops along on its back feet as fast as a car, but can't move backwards. Massive, vicious sharp claws too. Tall as a man, almost, and punches like a freight train. And they breed pretty fast, enough they're pests in some parts."

"Pests as in, an animal populous enough to cause damage to human settlements?"

"Yeah, they put up special fences in some places to keep them out."

"Fortifications?! Just for these creatures?!"

"We also got'em for crocodiles."

"We've heard of them before, from a subject in..." you check your notes, "Egypt."

"Ours are bigger. And meaner. World famous for it, really."

"So you say."

"And I bet that guy didn't tell you the kicker about crocodiles. If you're looking for a threat rating, well... See, they just...keep growing. Most of them come in at an average size, but sometimes there's one....as long as they have enough food to support themselves, they literally never stop growing, AND they don't age like you and m--well, like me. So they could hypothetically get to be older than dirt and bigger than a bus if you fed 'em enough."

"Right. Moving on. Setting aside macrofauna, how would you describe the toxicology profile of your land? Insects, plant and fungal life, etc?"

"Extensive! World famous for that too!"

"Of course you are."

"It's not all bad. Some of our animals carry their babies inside--"

"Yes, we're aware of the ordeal that is mammallian reproduction and would thank you not to bring it up."

"No no, the marsupials. Like the kangaroos. The babies are born as just this tiny fetus that crawls by itself into its mother's pocket until its got hair and stuff."

"So now you're saying the kangaroos wear clothes?"

"No, the pocket is in the skin."

"For Glob's sake, if you think I'm such a fool that I'd enter this in the GTG databases--which 100's of bargillions of S'zezdars rely on for their very lives as they attempt to avoid the many deadly threats in the galaxy--"

"Can't be that deadly out there, if you're this scared of kangaroos."

The thick mane of barbed spines down your back rattled against each other as they rose up straight--"like a porcupine" a different human subject had said. You were starting to lose patience.

"Human." you said with a measured firmness that made the human pause and look warily at you, shifting eye contact between your various ocular organs as they bulged, pulsing with pale yellow light. "What the GTG does may seem silly to you, or pedantic, or useless. To be quite frank, this is because you as a species live on a tiny ball of spittle and haven't even been to the bottoms of your own oceans yet. Out here, in the vastness of all space, where the species like us who have earned the privilege, this is a literal matter of life and death. Living, thinking, sapient being in numbers that your species literally can't comprehend depend on accurate up to date information on the unimaginable array of threats that await them off-world."

"Mate, I'm sorry, I'm really not here to condescend. I'm actually trying to help you."

With a conscious effort, you pull your spines back down into a relaxed position. They make a single simultaneous clacking sound, like an old mechanical lockbox.

"Then please give my work the gravity it deserves."

The human put the "cigarette" in his mouth again, and exhaled thoughtfully., giving you a curious look.

"...so, uh. I take that means you don't wanna hear about the platypus?" You're about done with this subject. He's been holding up the experimental process for days. His claims get more and more outlandish and obtuse with each interview. Clearly you're not going to get accurate information about this subject's natural environment from the subject himself. An away mission will be necessary to verify details first hand.

Your tentacles flex and curl nervously. But what if what he said was true, or at least had a grain of truth to it? You consider it for a moment and discard the idea. If the location were really that dangerous, they would be downplaying it to exaggerate their own power over such a hostile environment. Clearly they're doing the opposite, trying to exaggerate the danger. Or more likely, fabricate dangers completely. He must know the land has no natural defenses and doesn't want to be overrun by hostile Galactic faction. Or maybe they just want adventure tourist dollars--this is for a travel guide after all. You decide in an instant that you're calling his bluff here and now. 

Either way, this subject is being ejected from the study post-haste. You release the thin panel of a screen you'd been taking notes on, and grasp the microphone of the voice COM in your desk firmly among your suckers.

"Guard." you say flatly. A heavily armed and armoured S'zezdar slithers into the room immediately. "Take this one for mindwiping and send him home. We're going to have to check out the local flora and fauna on the surface ourselves." You distantly worried about the tongues-lashing your supervisor would give you about it, and about how you handled this subject in general, but getting out on an away mission again would be worth it.

The guard looked surprised.

"Without even a preliminary threat rating for the area?"

"Don't worry. I'm expecting no problems at all."

The guard grabbed the human by one of his upper appendages. The other appendage crushed the synthetic foam filter of his "cigarette" device into the table. The human didn't resist as the guard pulled him up out of the chair. Instead, the human stretched out its mouth. Sideways. You almost feel like it could reach his ears if he tried. You've seen no record of this facial expression in humans. You don't like it. It shows too many teeth.

"A'right, bye then, mate. Good talkin' to ya..." The human... (you cast about for the word for a moment) laughs. As the guard drags him to the medical bay, he calls back once more over his shoulder.

"Good luck with the emus!"

#writeblr #australia #emu war #emu #playpus #crocodile #kangaroo #alien #interview #ufo #My writing