#i wish my view of the world wasn't so warped and fucked up and i wish i didn't inflict myself on people the way i fo

[hauntedpearl]

i was raised by quiet people.

and we don't know how to talk to each other.

our house is a world of anger that never truly dissipates and words that hang in the air like hailstones ready to pelt your skin.

we don't know how to shape the words "i love you" with our mouths.

we don't know what it means to hold the weight of "sorry" on our tongues.

the morning after my parents fight, my father wakes up early and turns on the tv. he likes the quiet, but mom's always appreciated the sound of music.

he plays the songs she likes.

when i thought my heart was breaking, i didn't know how to make it go away.

i didn't know how to let the words locked in my jaw, behind my teeth, out.

how do you find the means to make the things you don't know exist in this world?

how do you even know that you can?

i was raised by quiet people.

so i stretched my fingertips to touch yours.

i let you leave the impressions of the whorls of your thumb on my skin.

i don't know how to shape the words "i love you" with my mouth.

i don't know how to bear the weight of the words "i'm scared" on my tongue.

i am trying, though. in the ways of the quiet people.

in the language of bright eyes and desperate touches.

the world is so close to ending, and i feel the premonition of the aftershocks in my bones.

i am holding your hand, and praying the inevitable away.

not a word past my lips — only breath, shallow and sharp.

i was raised by quiet people.

i don't know how to be another way.

#YOU CAN RB THIS BUT ALSO PLS BE NICE IN THE TAGS IF YOU DO THIS IS ME TRYING TO PROCESS SOMETHING OKAY #doe's writing #i am so. i am going through things. i don't know how to let it out except like this #idk does this count as poetry #god i wish i could let people love me i wish i could let myself love others easily i wish i had the vocabulary to express all that #i wish my view of the world wasn't so warped and fucked up and i wish i didn't inflict myself on people the way i fo #i wish i could stop thinking of existing with people are an infliction upon them #how do you heal? i keep trying but i think I'm farther behind than i was before #god i wish i didn't exist some days #anyway. t #here you can have my existential angst #THIS IS ABOUT FRIENDSHIP BTE #BTW* #but like you always gotta be a little in love with your friends #hmmm #okay #bye good night

[corbinfall]

the mega list of jay and how ive connected her to noah kahan songs (pre warning i wrote all of these while listening to the song so they might be inaccurate but im just going with feels and a lot of head canons

(also these were all written with my friends who don’t watch riptide or listen to noah kahan in mind so)

!!spoilers will be in this for essentially the entire campaign!!

nothern attitude is all about how the environment you're raised in shapes who you become, jay was raised a soldier she struggles to be fully open with her co-captains and crew for months, lying and withholding information because it's what she was trained to do. she was trained and raised as a spy it's not until the metaphorical summertime where she thaws and becomes open that her personality has time to expand and change beyond the attitude she was taught

stick season very heavily gives me the energy of jay before she left with chip, a lot of feelings of loss that she can't fully deal with and it's at a period in her life where neither of her parents are fully there to help her. it's her missing ava and wanting to be able to see her sister again

all my love is such a song that resembles her drunken conversation with lizzie back in episode 58 as well as their dynamic post 101 and how it changed after everything came out between them

she calls me back as jay and kira (this ones more from kiras pov but shshsh) jay just fucking up and left without telling kira her best friend who supports in in everything it would make sense that there's a lot of unresolved feelings between them, how do you stop yourself from doing a daily thing of checking on someone you care about deeply? someone who just disappeared in the night? someone you loved? (ohhh sharpshooter ily)

come over is in my eyes jay talking to chip or gill about growing up and what that was like, how it felt to have essentially the worlds eyes on her since she was a ferin. it's a lot of longing wishing she could have had a more normal childhood while also wishing that her father and extended family actually wanted her more and she wasn't just the back up

guess what new perspectives is about sharpshooter too, about how they slowly drifted and how they gained new perspectives on the world. it's about how jay still struggles to see why kira or ava stayed with the navy for as long as they did/do when it's such a messy system and the constant question she has for kira as to why she thinks she can change things

everywhere everything is a late night conversation between jay and gill, two fucked kids who were forced into roles they didn't want. it's something they can bond over, something they can find comfort in no matter where they end up.

orange juice (my favourite song) this song is may ferin talking to jay on the few occasions she comes home, trying to support and love her daughter even if she doesn't agree with the pirating. it's a song of attempting to love her no matter what even as jay becomes a different person than the daughter she raised a stonger person whos able to find help and deal with her grief finally

strawberry wine is one i struggle with more but i do view it as a sisterly love between her and ava, longing for memories of a bygone time when she was a different person how they just clicked together and knew almost every secret that the other had and how losing ava tore her apart.

growing sideways is another song about her grief and anger that came from avas death and jayson distancing himself from everything. about running on nothing but those deep rooted emotions that won't let you go down and how it warps your personal growth much in the way plants growing that are never cared for or rotated will only grow one way.

anyways halloween. so fun fact this song actually starts off with mentions of sailors and sailing so thats fun. but anywho i can only view this song as her internal monologue surrounding jayson ferin, how he's become a ghost of the father he was in order to cope with ava and how that really fucked her up. and how it wasn't until she was with the riptide pirates and no longer living in his legacy that she was somewhat free even if she was haunted by the ghost of everything he was to her

so homesick is the one song i can't mentally tie any connection to jay because in my mind its the timothy rand song from his jrwi campaign bloon in the bayou

still (i forget this songs on the album a lot) but yeah basically jay struggling and refusing to fully cut herself off from the ferins because that is her family, as much as she hates them they are who raised her and how she'll never fully be able to say goodbye to that

the view between villages aka the night that she went with chip and the rush of emotions that hit her as she realised she was somewhat free from everything that had held her down

your needs, my needs i don't really have full ideas for this one, it's a bunch of scattered ideas of the survivors guilt jay feels towards chip and gill and how it's slowly been eating at her till she spirals and loses herself slightly

paul revere this is another song i've thought about lots and basically it's in my mind about jay leaving and how she changed as a person, reflecting on how far she's come since she fully escaped the navy and became her own person the co-captain of the albatross not just jay ferin while at the same time embracing the fact that the past will always bare that and she can't erase it

no complaints once again the anger that jay grew accustomed to knowing through out her childhood and how it changed her as a person and how shes still learning to live with it

call your mom all i can see is someone comforting and helping jay after a really bad spiral (because that girl is not very stable) and how she's still a human who needs support and help in her life

you're gonna go far this songs from someone elses pov probably may talking about and supporting jay through her growth as a person and essentially telling her daughter she will always have a place to come back to if she needs it, their home will always be welcome to her and she can come and go as she needs

if you for whatever reason chose to read this heres a fic i wrote about orange juice 👍

also listen to noah kahan https://open.spotify.com/album/1pb3je8gXTs5dpRRTKhHRC?si=NhsoMHuDRdmCQc39wolvOw

#jrwi #jrwi riptide #jay ferin #noah kahan #stick season #Spotify

[movedtodykedvonte]

Maybe Allison Pendle for the headcanon thing? I’m really curious by the way you view her (I view her the same way)

Honestly I really just wish she wasn't so boring. Other than her being the thing that triggers Susie becoming Malice she has no real reason for me to care about her character as that's the reason she's important in the first place. Like she's just given the role of instigator in Susie's downfall and it feels so empty. I think this is the first time I was actually serious and critical of a character in a headcanon post.

Born in 1903 (didn't die but was warped/inked in 1960 at 57)

From a fairly bohemian family who were upper class, not fuck you rich like Nathan became but the Pendles were known in high society

Kinda that generational wealth that she never really bothered to look into how they kept it (it was oil)

Not a bratty kid but always thought she knew what was best for the world and was just a bit sheltered on social issues

Was a private school kid and stayed in these circles up until she worked for the studio

Formal training in the arts and is a triple threat

Definitely, the type to say "I feel bad because I hurt you" rather than acknowledging your feelings first, she still means well

I'm just trying to get across that she is very innocently insensitive

Her parents did instill to never look down on people who lived a different lifestyle than her and Allison positively took it as "I will befriend every living, breathing soul on this fucking planet"

Doesn't want to be worshipped but can feel insecure when someone doesn't come around to liking/trusting her Susie pls be my friend why could you ever be mad at me

Got into broadway/acting because she liked all the characters she could be, like she was walking in a different life for a bit

Met Joey at a party and liked how odd he was and thought his philosophy was strange and new but concerning

They are like weird besties due to both kinda being way to optimistic but at opposite ends of the spectrum

Knew Susie but thought Susie understood the cutthroat nature of acting and thought all her comments were the like "break a leg" type encouragement in regards to the role

Also didn't know Susie felt it was her last chance as something big as Allison worked on so many things she thought Susie (4 years younger) had a lot of time and options left

Developed a small crush on Thomas after he complimented her singing, saying "You make that cartoony crude sound bearable" it was not a flirt but seeing as Thomas rivaled Sammy in surliness it might as well have been

Cue never getting rid of me from the waitress soundtrack

Dated for years before they finally decide to get hitched

Married discreetly, with just immediate Family and close friends

Allison hoped the invite to Joey would cool any bad blood.

Starting working at Arch Gate because she kinda missed VA work as it allowed her to really be a different character

Joey invited them to his apartment under the guise of wanting to apologize to Thomas and ignored Thomas' warnings that it was odd Joey waited this long and sprung it so suddenly

listen to ur husband you pick me

Cue walking into the ink machine room with an encantation ring like the end of chapter 1 and them being inked and thrown in

Allison Angel

She can't remember much besides Tom's name as the ink is even stronger with all the souls, considering it almost made her a perfect Alice

Her dress is messed up like that cause Allison P. always new to never get too attached to a role

Also because Alice was never really her character and she knew she wasn't her in return

Doesn't like Malice due to all the pain she causes but really wants to help her change feels guilt for being what she wants to achieve

The lost ones and her don't get along due to her looking too much like Malice they fuck with Tom though

Her sword was a part of one of the bendyland rides and she took it as it seemed easier and lighter to use

Sings only when she's alone as it sounds too much like Malice and unnerves Tom and the few lost ones that won't outright attack her

Doesn't hang around Sammy but does deliver him and the lost one spare soup when she and Tom have enough

I support the take she only hyped up Henry in hopes he'd get them out, she believed he could but the quickness to trust him was based on something selfish

I really kinda view her as someone who always tried to play a neutral party but when one party is objectively in the wrong or bad she still stayed neutral. In my eyes that makes you a part of the bad party as you don't stop that behavior. Don't think she's evil or even an anti-hero, she just seems sheltered and way too optimistic for anyone good.

#girl be mean for once #like I just dont trust her #allison pendle #allison angel #batim #batim headcanons #bendy and the ink machine #bendy and the dark revival #batdr #loath characters that fuck everyone over cause they want to see the rainbow after the storm #im slowly putting her into that category and I want to stop #ask #anon