#i was supposed to spend most of my weekends out lately but I've not really been in a very social mood

[glittertrail]

Tell me something you're excited about for this year 😊

At the risk of sounding a little bleak it's hard to think of anything I'm looking forward lately 😬 so let's go w small things bc those I'm better at

The birthday of a friend I've missed, reuniting w someone that's been traveling a lot lately, craft night at a friend that wants us to help her DIY decorations for her new flat

#i was supposed to spend most of my weekends out lately but I've not really been in a very social mood #and lunches w men that proposition me to move in w them and show up their money as they try to get me sloshed don't help either #but let's hope that changes #replies #astronomy nerd (affectionate) #juno🪐

[anothershorthuman]

Songs That Remind Me Of You: Prologue

A series in which Jihoon realizes that he loves you a little too late.

pairings: fem!reader x jihoon, hints at fem!reader x seungcheol

word count: 2.1k

genre: angst? unrequited love, high school au to eventual college au, slice of life

chpt summary: the origins of your friendship with jihoon and the origin of his feelings for you

track 0 - Falling For U by Peachy! ft. mxmtoon

♫♪♩♫♪♩

I was hangin' with you and then I realized

I didn't think it was true, I was surprised

When I found out I've fallen for you

♫♪♩♫♪♩

I didn't wanna believe my feelings for you

I didn't wanna believe that I could lose you

If I told you just how I felt

When Jihoon first met you, he thought you were annoying. You were paired together in a chemistry class your sophomore year of high school. Working on this lab with you was torture, you’d always skip a step of the instructions or left a solution over a buntsen burner for too long. More often than not, Jihoon found himself fixing your mistakes. 

He complained to his friends about how much of a clutz you were and how he hated the teacher for pairing together. It was only a day later that you changed his mind. You were nearly late for class, rushing into your seat next to his at the last second. You slid a stack of papers stapled together across the table in his direction and his eyes nearly bulged out of his head when he realized that it was your lab report. 

“We were supposed to work on this together over the weekend. How’d you manage to write 10 pages on your own in one night?” He quickly scans multiple pages, all of your work was spot on. 

You pick at your nails, avoiding eye contact, “I thought I’d make up for messing up the experiment so many times. Didn’t want you to feel like you were doing all the work.”

After that, the chem teacher kept pairing the two of you together for labs, saying something about the two of you working well together. Jihoon helped you get better at staying on task and getting an experiment done while you helped him write a better conclusion to a lab. 

With time, Jihoon realized that he actually liked being around you. You never overstepped any boundaries and were hardworking. You were kind but not a push-over. And most importantly, you were the most non judgemental person he had ever met in his life.

Whenever he would tell you about the latest anime episode he had watched, you asked him questions about the lore of the show. If he complained about the band teacher wanting to give his clarinet solo to someone else, you would get annoyed too. You really were the most loyal of his friends. 

During junior year, the two of you settled in the same friend group after being put in nearly all the same classes. It wasn’t a big group of friends, there were five of you: Soonyoung (a trumpet player Jihoon met in band), Sana (your friend from middle school), Changkyun (a boy that coincidentally sat near the four of you in your calculus class), Jihoon and you.

The five of you remained a friend group during the rest of your time in high school. You all went to homecoming together, squished into Changkyun’s car. Sana, Changkyun, and you would go to every football game your team had. Not to support the football team, but to watch Jihoon and Soonyoung march during halftime. You would all go see Sana’s dance recitals. Your basement became the go-to location for any get together, any movie night or half-assed birthday parties. Once, when your parents left the state for a wedding, the five of you got drunk together for the first time, drinking a jungle juice made by Changkyuns older brother.

The point was, you were spending a lot of time with each other. And it was one of those nights, in the middle of your hangouts, that he realized he liked you a little bit more than just platonically. Or, well, your friends realized it for him.

You stood up from your seat on the couch and said that you’d be back, your parents needed help with bringing in groceries from the car. They offered to pause the movie and you said you had already seen the movie before so it didn’t matter. They paused it anyway. You disappeared after going up the stairwell.

“What are we gonna do for her birthday?” Sana asked. Your birthday was three weeks from then. Hm, what should Jihoon get you? Last year he hadn’t known you well enough to get you a present but he definitely should this year. And it had to be a good gift, something you would actually use, something that every time you looked at it, you’d think of him.

Soonyoung nudged him, “What are you getting her?” 

“I don’t really know yet.”

“Really?” Changkyun asked. “I thought you’d already have everything planned.”

Jihoon’s confused, “Why would I already have everything planned?” 

He’s taking a sip of his coke when Changkyun answers, “Well, you have a crush on her.”

Instantly, Jihoon is launched into a coughing fit, having nearly choked on his drink. He clumsily places his drink down and doubles over coughing. Soonyoung and Changkyun are falling over too, but from laughing at him.

“Come on, dude.” Sana chuckles and pats him on the back to try to help him with his coughing. “You’re so obvious about it, you didn’t really think we wouldn’t notice, did you.”

Once the burning in his throat has died down, Jihoon takes another sip of his drink, wanting to avoid talking to his teasing friends.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He mumbles.

Soonyoung snorts, “You mean you don’t look for her from the stands during every game? Or give her heart eyes when you’re in the same room as her? Or turn red when she calls you Jihoonie?”

The three of them are laughing at him again and Jihoon glances at the stairs, making sure you’re not hearing any of this conversation. 

“I'm not even joking, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

There's a beat of silence as your friends stare at Jihoon, trying to gauge how honest he’s being. A look of disbelief comes over their faces. 

“You mean,” Sana softly says, “We figured out you like her before you did?” 

Jihoon can feel his ears burning, and he rubs them self consciously. He can’t even bring himself to look at them. He’s thinking about you and how your smile makes him feel lighter and how whenever he makes a joke he’ll make sure it made you laugh. It definitely would make sense if Jihoon had a crush on you.

Suddenly, you're flying down the stairs. You fall over onto the couch between Sana and Jihoon, giggling to yourself like a maniac. You sit up turning to Sana, grabbing onto her shoulders and giving her a shake, “You’ll never believe what just happened!”

“What is it, woman?” Sana exclaims, trying to stop you from shaking her. 

“Remember Seungcheol? My neighbor?”

Immediately, the three boys are groaning in protest. Of course they know about Seungcheol, you only talk about him every single time the opportunity presents itself.

Seungcheol is a year older than you, currently the varsity captain of the wrestling team. After he moved into the house next to yours at the beginning of the year, all you ever have to say about him is oh, his muscles are so big. Jihoon, look at his hair, it looks so soft. Oh my god, I think he was looking at me. Jihoon wasn’t sure why he disliked Seungcheol when he actually was a kind person, but now he’s able to realize that it’s due to jealousy. The other boys are just sick of hearing you gush over a guy that doesn’t give you the time of day. Sana is the only one of your friends willing to hear you out on this absurd crush.

“What about Seungcheol?” Sana asks you.

“He pulled up to his house while we were unloading groceries and he came over to help–”  “So he did one nice thing.” Soonyoung interrupts you. 

“Shut up, Soon! He’s always nice, but that isn’t the point.” 

Huh, the pout on your face is sort of cute, Jihoon thinks. 

“Anyways, when we finished, he asked to talk to me outside, and he asked me out!”

You’re squealing in excitement again, oblivious to the looks of terror and sympathy that Jihoons friends are sending him. He feels his heart sink.

Maybe it was better to stay unaware of his feelings, it’s not like he had a chance anyways. Still, he put on a fake smile like the rest of his friends.

“Oh my god!” Sana says. “That's so exciting!”

Soon enough, you’re all finishing up the movie, even if he can’t seem to focus on the screen. Seungcheol was a good guy, he should be happy for you. This was something that you had been wanting for a while and it was finally happening. Jihoon refused to be the person to ruin that for you. When the movie is over and Changkyun is driving everyone else back home, there's a tense silence.

Soonyoung clears his throat, nudging Jihoons foot with his own from the backseat, “They barely know anything about each other, maybe this is just a fling. It’ll pass.”

Changkyun looks at the two from the rearview mirror, “Yea, Seungcheol barely even looked at her before this. It’s kind of weird that he just asked her out.”

“Guys stop,” Sana says. She doesn’t turn to look at the boys in the car, instead looking outside through the passenger window. “I know we feel bad for Jihoon, but that’s not fair to her. She likes Seungcheol a lot, he could be her first boyfriend. It’s a big deal, so let's not ruin it for her.”

Jihoon sighs, “Right. Up until today, I didn’t even realize how much I like her… let's just pretend that conversation didn’t happen.”

The car pulls up in front of his house. He hurriedly unbuckles his seatbelt and leaves the car. He’s sniffling when he makes it to his room, flopping onto his bed. Part of him hopes you realize Seungcheol isn’t what you thought he’d be like and you’ll forget about him, but another part of him feels disgusting for thinking that. 

A week later, you’re telling them all about how amazing your bowling date with Seungcheol went. He paid for everything and didn’t make you feel bad for being terrible at bowling. He wasn’t trying to get into your pants and was making genuine questions. He surprised you with flowers at the end of your date and asked when he could take you on another date. You went on a lot more dates after that, there was a picnic date, a trip to the movie theater, a corn maze. 

On your birthday, Sana invited him to your party. Jihoon wasn’t sure what to get you, especially now that he had realized he liked you. He ended up making you a playlist and then burning it onto a CD. But at your party, Seungcheol surprised everyone by showing up with a guitar. He sang you a sweet love song in front of everyone, winning over all of your friends. Jihoon ended up hiding his CD, now embarrassed to give it to you. He couldn’t sing you a song the way Seungcheol did. He didn’t make you hide your face timidly or smile that big. When Sana asked him what he had gotten you, Jihoon said that his gift hadn’t arrived in time and would give it to you a little later.

Now, at the end of the school year, the CD he made for you is sitting on his desk, waiting for the opportunity to give it to you without it feeling like he was trying to steal you from Seungcheol.

The five of you attend the senior graduation. You had told your friends that you were feeling insecure about your relationship, how even though it had been a couple months of going out, Seungcheol hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend. And that he probably wouldn’t since he would be leaving for college. Still, you wanted to support him, so you showed up to the graduation with gifts to give him after the ceremony. To everyone’s amazement, he was the one to surprise you by asking you to be his girlfriend during his graduation party.

As Jihoon watched the romance between you and Seungcheol develop, he couldn’t help but feel many emotions. He loved the happiness that radiated from your smile and the twinkle in your eye whenever you were with him. But at the same time, he couldn’t help the jealousy from creeping in, wishing it was him instead of Seungcheol every time he’d catch the two of you hugging or kissing. He had only recently come to terms with his feelings but had no choice but to watch from the sidelines. He wasn't even upset with Seungcheol anymore, having finally gotten the chance to know him and realizing that he really was a good boyfriend.

Jihoon was determined to be a supportive friend, even if it meant keeping his feeling hidden. He still held onto the CD he created for your birthday, a reminder of his unrequited feelings. For now, he knew the timing wasn’t right to confess his feelings. But maybe one day, the stars would align, and the right moment would present itself.

After junior year ended, and you and Seungcheol officially became a couple, Jihoon’s heart carried a bittersweet melody. The CD, filled with songs that spoke about his feelings, remained on his desk, waiting for the day he could give it to you.

#songs that remind me of you #jihoon x reader #woozi x reader #seventeen imagine #jihoon imagine #woozi imagine

[fluffytriceratops]

I've been wanting to come online for a while now and start going through stuff and post things. But shit keeps happening in my life to prevent that.

My senior cat, who I've had almost my entire life, I got him when I was 2, making him 18. He'll be 19 this April. Has been going downhill lately.

He's lost most of his sight. And his hearing isn't great either. The biggest problem is one of his eyes which has suddenly turned bright blood red over the span of a few days.

I'll be needing to take him to the vet as soon as I can. Hopefully tomorrow. (It's the 24th of Feb as I'm writing this)

Vet bills are so expensive, and after looking into it with my sister, they'll need to do a lot of tests. My family and I don't really have the money for this. I myself only have a couple hundred in the bank. And I'll most likely be spending it all on vet bills.

I'm not currently working, but I'll be putting out my resume right away and try to save up as much as I can.

If I lose him, I don't know what I'll do.

He means the world to me and I know death is inevitable, but even thinking of it brings me to tears.

I'm writing this as sort of an explanation as to why I'm not active and might not be for a while.

I know my family and I will figure it out. But if it's as bad as it's looking, I might need to take more time off than I wanted and expected.

This really is the worst timing, too, because it's my little brothers birthday today, and we're throwing him a party this weekend.

Having a sick animal during what is supposed to be a fun time is always shitty. And I don't want this to ruin his birthday but that's sort of out of my hands.

I just wish things could be different. Idk..

I'll post an update on my cat when needed to keep everyone in the loop.

Any prayers and well wishes are more than welcome!

And sharing and spreading the word would be a great help too! ^^

Thank you all so much for being amazing and kind and patient with me. I love and miss you all so so much. ❤️💕

His name is Trooper. And he's my baby. I know some people will think he's just a pet. But to me he is so much more than that. He's my world.

Sending all my love and hugs. xox

— LF / Fluffy. <3

#cat #update #fluffy spam #fluffytriceratops #life update #sick cat #life is shit

[knickynoo]

Fic Author Self-Rec

Share five of your personal favorite works, then tag five authors to do the same. Thanks to @bg-sparrow for the tag!

Harborage

Harborage: shelter; refuge Marty spends the weekend with the Browns, who have settled permanently in early 1986. While there, he's forced to deal with the impact of his travels through time.

I have a feeling that no matter how many fics I write, this one will always be the most special to me. It started out with one scene I had stuck in my head (which was written out long before I worked out the actual plot and specifics) and turned into a ten-chapter story that garnered more attention and kind comments than I ever could have imagined. I loved crafting this little post-trilogy world and exploring the time-travel baggage Marty is left with after his adventures. I had a particularly fun time working Clara, Jules, and Verne into it.

2. Despite the Distance

On October 2nd, 1982, Doc entered his garage to find a trespasser who ended up becoming his best friend. But when a mishap with a new invention lands him in an altered 1986 where that meeting never occurred, he's faced not only with figuring out how to set the timeline right but also with the reality of the influence his friendship had on Marty.

A nearly 60,000 word, 17-chapter fic that spawned from this ask I'd gotten about how a BTTF version of "It's a Wonderful Life" would go. I didn't even have anything of value to say to that ask, but it caused the concept to stick in my head, where I continued to roll it around for several weeks. And while it ended up branching away from the initial "It's a Wonderful Life" concept, it did end up being a story where Doc gets to see what Marty's life is like without him.

Creating this altered, "tougher" version of Marty was my favorite part of the whole process, and getting to see him form a tentative friendship with Doc in such different circumstances was such a fun thing to tackle. I still have no idea who sent me that ask, but if you see this post: thank you. This story was challenging and emotional and a blast to write, and I'm so pleased at the way it's connected with people.

3. So, Your Brother's Befriended a Mad Scientist

Working as assistant for the town's most mysterious inventor isn't exactly a job Dave would've expected Marty to get, but it sure is an interesting one.

My most recent fic! Have you ever wanted to see a fic about Doc and Marty's friendship written entirely from Dave McFly's point of view? No? Well, I wrote it anyway. And I loved every second of it. Dave is a wonderful big brother, and I'm already looking forward to utilizing him more in the future.

4. In Case of Emergency

Who else is a kid supposed to call for a late-night rescue?

Perhaps my laziest summary, but one of my favorite one-shots. A little slice of life in which Marty decides to go to a party, immediately decides "this is bogus," and calls Doc to come pick him up. A lovely little look at their dynamic and the trust Marty places in his best friend. Also featuring: Doc having an entire conversation with his dog.

5. The Real You

Alex gets ready for a date with Ellen and, in typical fashion, is a nervous wreck. Good thing Mallory is there to provide some words of wisdom.

I really struggled with what to put in this final spot, but I'm going with my one and only (for now) Family Ties fic. Writing Alex is intimidating, but I enjoyed putting this together and being able to include some nice sibling relationship moments between him and Mallory. I've got a bunch of notes on additional FT one-shots that I want to write at some point. I'm so used to writing Doc and Marty at this point, and it's nice to have all these other characters to write about and Put In Situations.

I'm going to leave this open to anyone who wants to take the opportunity to talk about some of their favorite fics they've written :)

#tag game #nikki's fics

[lilliesforya]

Being tired all the time

Mid to late October

Yesterday, I went to my middle school in the afternoon because of a schedule change, usually I'm there all day. The teacher that I work with told me about the conferences going on for the third years. The school system here is different from the states in that kids work really hard to get into good high schools as opposed to us working hard in high school to get into good colleges. The kids have to meet with the teachers and their parents and talk about what school they want to go to, and the exams they will have to take. The third years are US ninth graders. Their high school is only 3 years. I felt unqualified to choose my university at 18, so I can't imagine having to choose a high school at 14/15 especially because the high school chosen will affect the colleges one can get into. The teacher has to go to all of these meetings back to back and they happen like once a month ish from now until they apply (I'm not sure of the whole timeline). He was like “this is why teachers are always dead during the fall”. And I'd agree. I have never seen that teacher not extremely busy. 

I try to remind myself that this is supposed to be fun. Despite being here to work, my work isnt particularly difficult and I ought to be having fun. More fun? I'm not sure. Considering I have set hours of about 8-4 during the week, it is difficult for me to do much. Though, today is Monday and I am going grocery shopping after work and I'm excited to pick out desserts. Last time I got these waffle pastry cookie things? They're waffles but encrusted in sugar but they're not overly sweet. I love them. I'll also be getting tricolor dango. Anyway, I want to do more stuff over the weekend. But I'm so tired on the weekends that I often don't do that much. It can be difficult to plan things because some information is not accessible to me (websites will be not updated, hard to understand, all in Japanese, etc). Or the events hosted by the Chiba AJET (chiba prefecture jet association) group are so far from me it becomes an all day event and then some. 

Even trying to convince myself to do solo traveling is difficult because I don't think that's my preferred method of traveling. Despite being in a beautiful, new place I am the same person and I have to relax my expectations of how I should be spending my time. Just yesterday, I went to a cafe in the middle of nowhere with a lady from the English circle club in my town. She is very sweet and has lived in California on and off for years, so she speaks great English. The cafe was someone's house but also not? It had a homey feeling, eccentric decorations, and the people there all knew each other. There were also 2 cats that were so cute and friendly. I hadn't seen animals in a while so this was big for me. I got curry rice for 600 yen and it had so many vegetables and beans in it and my friend told me everything was fresh from their farm or garden. I think the cafe was open late for a small event because of the full moon yesterday. My point is that I didn't know I would be going to this place until the morning of when she invited me. I hate doing things spontaneously because it makes my brain anxious and nonfunctional. I agreed despite not wanting to go in the moment because I knew it would be a fun experience regardless. I wonder if pushing myself to do things alone would have the same effect. In the same vein, I could also just let myself enjoy my solitary hobbies in peace. 

Things I've been enjoying:

Waffle cookies 

Genshin Impacts most recent story quests 

Talking to friends and loved ones back home 

Listening to music in my car 

Trying new sweets from the conbini or supermarket 

Making my students laugh/ giggle/ smile 

When the kids say hello or good morning to me at school or wave to me when they see me in the teachers office 

Trigun anime 

The sunsets lately 

The days where I make moms chicken nuggets for dinner 

I bought a winter coat for like only 30 usd and it resembles a coat one of my favorite anime characters wears

#sunsets #awe #considering myself doomed by the narrative is giving up

[milf-harrington]

SO WHAT HAPPENED WAS AT DINNER, MY MOM AND DAD WERE TALKING ABOUT A BOOK SERIES THEY'D BEEN READING, THEY EVENTUALLY ASK ME (WELL KNOWN AVID READER) WHAT I'VE BEEN READING RECENTLY. HERE'S THE THING. I HAVE NOT READ A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF PUBLISHED BOOKS IN YEARS. WE'RE LUCKY IF I GET TWO BOOKS IN SIX MONTHS, I STILL READ A LOT (ALTHOUGH STILL NOT AS MUCH) IT'S JUST FANFIC, SO I SAY, OH I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T REALLY READ MUCH LATELY", BC MOST OF THE BOOKS I READ THEY RECOMMEND TO ME SO I CAN'T LIE AND SAY ONE OF THOSE BC THEY'LL ASK ME ABOUT IT, AND I CAN'T EVEN SAY SOMETHING THEY DIDN'T READ BC THEY'LL ALSO ASK ME ABOUT IT, SO YEAH, I SAY I HAVEN'T READ MUCH LATELY, AND THEY KNOW AND HAVE KNOWN THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN AS BIG A READER AS I USED TO BE AND THEY'RE KINDA CONCERNED, SO MY DAD'S LIKE, "WELL WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHEN YOU'RE IN YOUR ROOM ALL DAY? BC I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SPENDING HOURS SCROLLING TO THE ENDS OF THE INTERNET ON YOUR PHONE" (SAID IN A TONE THAT SAYS "THAT BETTER NOT BE WHAT YOU'RE DOING") BUT SEE. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING. I SPEND HOURS STRAIGHT ON TUMBLR. BUT TECHNICALLY, I SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT, AND ALSO, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE SOCIAL MEDIA, SO I CANNOT ADMIT TO BEING ON TUMBLR AND EVEN IF I DON'T MENTION TUMBLR I CAN'T ADMIT THAT I'VE BEEN ON THE INTERNET FOR HOURS BC A. STILL NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT. AND B. I KNOW I'LL GET ASKED WHAT I'M EVEN DOING ON THE INTERNET FOR HOURS BC WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE OCCUPYING MY ATTENTION THAT LONG. SO I KNOW THEY KNOW I READ FANFICTION. BC I FOUND FANFICTION BACK WHEN I WAS 11 AND STILL ACTUALLY LISTENED TO THE RULES THEY SET FOR ME, SO WHEN I WANTED A FF.NET ACCOUNT I DID AS THEY'D TOLD ME AND ASKED THEM BEFORE SIGNING UP FOR ANYTHING. SO I KNOW THEY KNOW AND IT'S A LAST RESORT. SOMETHING THEY'RE OK WITH THAT JUSTIFIES HOURS IN MY ROOM BUT NOT READING A NORMAL BOOK. SO EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T READ AS MUCH FANFIC LATELY EITHER AND THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT WHAT I SPENT FOUR HOURS DOING, THAT'S WHAT I SAY. I QUIETLY ADMIT: "I'M STILL READING A LOT, IT'S JUST NOT REGULAR BOOKS" AND MY DAD IS A DICK SO HE'S LIKE "OH? WHAT ARE YOU READING" (HE KNOWS. THAT MOTHERFUCKER KNOWS. BC HE'S TEASED ME ABOUT READING FANFIC BEFORE I KNOW HE STILL REMEMBERS I DO THAT EVEN THOUGH I WISH THEY'D FORGET) THERE'S NO WAY TO ESCAPE THIS BC I TRY NOT TO ANSWER BUT THEY WON'T LET ME CHANGE THE SUBJECT ON ANYTHING AND BEING QUIET ONLY DELAYS THE INEVITABLE SO I SAY "FANFICTION" AND THEN. MY DAD'S LIKE "OH WHAT IS IT FANFICTION FOR?" MOTHERFUCKER. SHITHEAD. YOU KNOW I ALREADY HATE TALKING ABOUT MY INTERESTS. YOU KNOW THAT HATRED INCREASES THE MORE "NERDY" OR NICHE THE INTEREST GETS. WE SHOULD HAVE STOPPED WELL BEFORE THIS POINT. AGAIN. NO WAY OUT OF THIS, EVEN THOUGH I'M STARING AT THE TABLE SILENTLY BEGGING HIM TO JUST PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER HIMSELF BC JUST LAST WEEKEND HE TOOK ME TO A CONVENTION WHERE I GOT THREE ST COMICS SO I KNOW HE KNOWS I'M STILL FIXATED ON IT. BUT NOPE. NO WAY OUT. SO I SAY. "STRANGER THINGS" THIS SHOULD BE THE END OF IT, HE WON'T WANT TO KNOW ANYMORE DETAILS, AT THIS POINT I HAVE LIKE 7 BITES LEFT OF MY DINNER, I CAN SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL! ONE MORE QUESTION. "IS THE STRANGER THINGS FANFICTION PROLIFIC" IDK WHY HE ASKED THIS, BUT EASY QUESTION. "YEAH, YEAH IT IS" THEN MY BABY SISTER NEEDS HELP IN THE BATHROOM SO HE GETS UP AND I'M TRYING TO HURRY AND FINISH MY BAKED POTATO, HE COMES AND SITS BACK DOWN, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA DROP IT AND I HAVE A BITE LEFT, SO I FINISH IT. I GET UP, I'M IN THE DOORWAY, ALMOST HOME FREE!! BUT THEN. (1/2 I hit character limit)

I am on the edge of my fucking seat

#rori's byler interrogation #<- you get a tag for this #asks #rori tag

[timeoverload]

I feel like an asshole. I shouldn't have said what I said. I suppose it was sort of a trauma response. Sometimes I just need some reassurance that won't happen to me again. Unfortunately healing isn't linear and sometimes I have bad moments like that. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I guess it scared me because it seems like you are more focused on one person more than anyone else and I don't understand that. I would like some clarification because it would make me feel better but I understand if you don't want to give me that. You can look at whatever you want as long as you aren't acting on anything... maybe I just don't want to know what you are looking at all the time. I shouldn't have looked. I don't really like it but I'm not really allowed to have an opinion on that. I am guilty of looking at things sometimes too but I don't want to share about that. I am sure you would have a similar reaction if the roles were reversed. It's normal. I can't expect you to agree with me on everything anyway. I am not trying to embarrass you but I know I did. I am sorry Maxwell. I wish that we could have conversations like this face to face. I would much rather deal with problems that way. I don't want everyone else reading about it. Sometimes I miss when you were the only person that looked at my blog because I felt like we had some privacy but now everything is out in the open. I don't think I would have blown up like that if we could talk things out. I don't like to argue. I will try harder to keep my bad feelings to myself. I hope you understand that I don't want to hurt you but I know I did. I understand if you are still upset with me. You are my whole world and I don't want to lose you. You are very special. I don't want to run away from you. Every time I try I get very sick. That hasn't happened with anyone else. I hate fighting with you. I love you.

💖💖💖

Since I don't really post pictures of myself, I decided that maybe I should share one since I feel like I owe you something. I don't know if it is going to make you happy or not but I'm going to do it anyway. I usually spend a long time getting ready if I'm planning on taking pictures but I didn't do that this time. I am too tired. This is what I look like right now. I didn't edit this at all. It's not the best picture but whatever. My hair is greasy and I'm not wearing make-up. Oh well, here ya go.

Anyway, I definitely needed to give myself time to calm down before I wrote this. The past couple days have been a nightmare. My moods have been shifting like crazy. I really haven't been in the best state of mind. The past month I have barely been eating and it's starting to catch up with me. It's getting worse and more painful. All I've eaten today is half a muffin because I was so nauseated all day. I have cut down on caffeine and it hasn't helped my appetite. I'm struggling a lot. I just don't want to eat anything because it's so uncomfortable. Solid food has been my enemy lately. I've been drinking boost in order to keep moving. My heart has been fluttering a lot. I'm feeling like I don't want to be alive because I am so miserable. I'm not going to hurt myself even though I have thought about it. Don't worry, I am not going to act on it. I just feel very alone and I am in pain most of the time. I know people are listening but I can't understand why nothing is changing. It is very confusing for me. It is probably my fault but I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing wrong because no one has communicated with me. I think maybe I have taken my emotions out on other people unintentionally. I don't know what is going on half the time. I forgot to take my lamotrigine over the weekend and it made me feel so bad which probably contributed to my episode. I haven't been sleeping well. I was so stressed out last night that I tossed and turned for hours. I couldn't get comfortable. I think I only slept an hour.

I had to leave 30 minutes early today because I felt like I was going to collapse on the floor. I stayed late last night anyway so it wasn't a big deal. I don't remember the drive home. I feel slightly better now that I'm sitting. I really think I should just check myself into the hospital sometime because I don't feel good but I am scared to try to get help. I don't know if it will do any good and it's expensive so I will probably avoid going as long as possible.

I am still very stressed about my mom. Everyone has been trying to contact her all week and no one has heard back from her. She hasn't been active on social media like she usually is. I don't think she has any idea what is going on. I did get a phone call from the hospital this afternoon and they told me she was there again but she was discharged this morning. I don't know when she went back and I'm not sure what sort of problems she is having right now. The lady I talked to couldn't give me a lot of information. It's good to know that she is alive but I don't know where she is now. I wish they would have contacted me while she was still there so that's frustrating. I want to talk to her myself. She texted me right after I typed that so that was really weird. She said she is alright so that's really good news. She hasn't said anything else even though I asked a bunch of questions. I am happy I heard something from her at least. I am going to try to convince her to give me permission to call her at the shelter. I'm not sure how that is going to go. I will just have to wait and see.

I suppose I should spend the rest of the night filling my queue back up. I will try to eat something. I still need to finish my muffin. I truly hope that the rest of the week is better. I apologize again for my erratic behavior. I will be better.

I hope that everyone has a great day tomorrow. :) Thank you for putting up with me. 💖💖💖

#personal

[blahandwhatever]

Most of my time since Christmas has been split between work and sleep and chilling, glad to have the big hurdle behind me, enjoying my own cozy-at-home version of the holidays. Played my new game. Finished decorating my tree a little too late, but good enough to enjoy for at least a few weeks. Didn't have as much of a mess to deal with at home as I had the past two years, maybe because there wasn't as much of a focus on shopping - for gifts, outfits, and home stuff - to derail my regular chores (which, to be fair, I've also gotten a bit better at).

Did some fussing over money and expenses, tired of being strained there. Got my first paycheck from my new job, but it was very small. The next one will also be smaller than I hoped due to things slowing down over the holidays. With other jobs also slowing down this month - and studies too - there was barely any improvement.

I got some cash for Christmas, finally learned I could actually get that into my online bank account by doing a PayPal cash deposit at a store like Walgreens and then transferring that to my bank, did that, and used the money toward rent and groceries.

Got a belated gift card from a job and used it to stock up on a few cosmetics I'd run out of, leaving me with more of the 'oh, this decidedly does do something for my skin' experiences that it's easy to forget after doing the same routine for years. I've seen a fair amount of the 'skincare is a scam' sort of sentiment lately, and I'm sorry, but no (at least not all of it).

Tomorrow I have a phone call (with an agency?) about a higher-paying job (hopefully that actual job and not just their jobs in general?), but I'm not getting my hopes up.

I've applied for jobs very, very little lately.

Once again, I failed to go to Chicago in December. I really wanted to but really didn't feel like it anytime in the past week and also really needed the $10-$15 I would've had to use for parking (not to mention gas). Oh well - I'll probably go in January, and it should still be good.

The Nielsen Neuro labs in Chicago have shut down, so that era is over.

This weekend I relaxed and cleared various things away - clothes piles, mail piles, post-it note piles, dead leaves/flowers on the balcony I should've swept in the fall - to start the new year on the right foot.

My mother called, asked if I had plans for today, said she had the day off. I'd never been interested in visiting again a week after the holidays, but at least she didn't suggest a sleepover this time, and, given how she can't spend the day with my father now, I agreed to go for dinner. It wasn't a particularly friendly invitation, and she spent most of the phone call complaining about my brother, who had had a surgical procedure and hadn't planned or communicated things as she thought he should have. I listened mostly patiently but felt tired of this.

Today I woke up very tired, though I thought I'd slept enough. Might have been recuperating from my period. Managed to get going and get there at a reasonable time. The forecast had predicted a sunny day, but it was just another gray one. Much as I sometimes bemoaned my inability to get out before dark in previous years, winter with neither sun nor snow isn't usually much of a sight to behold in the daylight.

We had dinner, which was okay for a while. My father was home and came down to exchange Happy-New-Years. I had sent him a text earlier, and he'd texted back. Had hoped not to see him. He asked if I'd heard from my brother, who was staying with friends. I said we'd exchanged Happy New Years. He said, somewhat petulantly, that my brother hadn't texted him. I clarified that I'd texted him first. He walked back upstairs bitching about my brother being a spoiled brat who didn't know he was supposed to text his parents. It was an attitude I'd dealt with myself too many times, spending most of my life tiptoeing around this man's ego, temper, and toxic family rule minefield. But in some ways, at least as a parent, he'd become better in recent years, so this was somewhat unexpected. I sat there still and silent for a while, too full to keep eating, thinking about how much I hated my father.

Soon enough, the conversation with my mother dried up, and she said, somewhat petulantly, that if I didn't have anything to talk to her about, she was going to go watch her TV show. Went upstairs and left me alone in the kitchen with my coffee and pie.

I felt a little guilty but also tired of being made to feel guilty all my life for not having enough to say. By someone who, for her part, cannot learn to ever enjoy a loved one's company in silence, and rarely takes me up on offers to do things besides just sitting and talking.

She returned after a while, and I questioned her attitude, and she once again acted like the victim. Said nobody cares about her or thinks about her feelings, among other things. Said she didn't like feeling like my spending time with her was forced. Said maybe we needed space from each other like I'd sometimes asked for myself. I just felt so tired and done.

I bothered responding only a little, and then I got going. I cried a little in the car. Back home, I texted my father about his earlier commentary on my brother. Reminded him, again, to stop taking out his childhood neglect and trauma on the wrong people. I hope he doesn't respond. Aside from Christmas, we haven't really talked since things between him and my mother were more dramatic.

Didn't manage to get anything else done that I was supposed to today - too tired and out of it. I'll do my real end-of-year reflections another day.

Whenever I see a 'What do you want to leave behind in [insert year]' type of thing, the #1 answer is always my family's bullshit. I know that will never completely end, and I'll never actually want to cut them off completely. But I am forever seeking an ever more lasting state of psychological immunity, of being above it all, along with occasional nips in the buds of some of the toxicity. History is the evolution of the consciousness of freedom (from your parents, in many cases).

[punchthewitch]

What Matters is It's Done

Monday October 23rd 2023

Hi.

It's nearly 9pm and I'm sitting here in my computer chair, listening to lo-fi, and ~feeling things~. In fact that's about all I've done today. My sacred day off. I day dream about all the wonderful things I'd do when I have nothing to do... and then I do nothing. ugh.

I suppose I'm sitting here feeling the sorts of things I'd like to tell someone about, but then again I struggle to talk to people. I have a loving father, wonderful friends, but I keep things from them. Most things. I had a therapist. Well, rather I had a couple of therapists but at the moment I'm "between mental health professionals". So I've decided to talk to you

*gestures vaguely at the crowd of crickets*

That's okay, I don't really need anybody to hear any of it, I just need it to be said. Whatever *it* is.

I've never kept a diary. I promised my therapist I'd try journaling. I lied. I think I'm afraid to see my own thoughts written out because it'll make them too real. I'm afraid that when I see what's wrong with me apparent on the page, I'll have to get better. I'll have to work. And work is hard. I'm already working hard. It makes me sick to my stomach. If it's "just a bad day" and I don't write about all the painful little details and all the ways I don't feel like I'm enough and all the time I spend looking in the mirror and thinking that I'm not, at my core, even GOOD at all... Well then eventually I'll forget it all right?

I mean, all that said, I do believe my life is moving in a net positive direction. I started transitioning this year. I definitely feel less sad. My lows aren't as low and my highs are higher. More good days than bad. and that's good. But I don't feel like I can trust myself to not fuck it up. Because even though things are better, I'm still me. And I've spent a long time hating myself. I've made a habit of it. Habits are hard to break. I'm trying though.

I'm a selfish person. I think so anyways. I try to do things to not be so selfish sometimes, but it feels like that in and of itself is an act of vanity. I have this friend, and they're having a rough go of it lately. Like they're objectively in a harder place than I am. And I'm always the first person they go to for help but I feel like I can't handle it anymore. I try to be a good person and help, I HAVE helped, I have BEEN HELPING for so long but it never stops and I feel AWFUL that I just don't want to be responsible anymore... I want them to hate me. I want them to be angry with me and hate me so I can stop. Christ what an asshole I am. To spare myself another ride to and from work, sometimes I'd rather everyone see me as the most deplorable girl in the world and then maybe everybody would just leave me alone. God I want to be alone. Just a while longer. It's not that I don't like people. It's not like I don't like this friend who I want to hate me... I'm just tired. and if everyone thought I was a useless wretch, then at least I could rest.

Rest.

I can't even do that right. It's not as though I don't get days off. I have weekends. I ignore texts and calls. I disappear into a sanctuary of blessed solitude from time to time and still I find ways to fuck it up.

Yesterday I met an artist that I really, REALLY admire. Just seeing her motivated me to work harder and create. I wasn't angry at myself for wasting so much time, just driven to do better. To be more like her... And today I didn't do a god damn thing. I sat in my computer chair, listening to lo-fi, and feeling like I fucking hate myself. I wasted another day. How many days I've wasted are too many to keep count. Fine. Whatever. I'll try again tomorrow I guess. Maybe I can be better.

I don't know if any of this made sense. I don't know if it was helpful. I guess that doesn't matter. What matter's is it's done. Talk to you next week.

-Sam

[suhacidal]

hello

it's been so long since i've spoke on here. i do apologize, to myself, for falling out of a practice that is so healing and transformative for me. now i am taking the time to sit and honor my need of expression, regardless of what is taking place around me.

so, here we are, in the last (full) weekend of the month. i can't say i'm shocked by how alarmingly fast the time has flew, because it was just mid-july, and i was celebrating life to the fullest. i started mones, flew back to my former state to party (and see the oomf-ilf...but that didn't happen), and spend time with my dysfunctional family.

now it's september. it's been a month at my new job, two months on mones, five months sober. alot to take in, really! this weekend, i was supposed to be spending time with my mother and sibling, but circumstances arose for that to be rescheduled (to my ultimate surprise). i think it was a necessary shift, given this would be the first extended period of time i've had off from work since starting. if they were still to have visited, i fear we all would've been miserable! so instead, i've been perpetually cleaning my room, which i think can be classified as my own personal hell. i can say i have been doing this task for the past several months, seemingly making little to no progress, regardless of the long, laborious hours that were allocated for completion. alongside that, the weekend has been spent battling lengthy bouts of anxiety and mania! it's safe to say that they are WINNING. i am getting my ass whooped severely in this battle. nonetheless, here i stand, living to tell my story.

i think the recent manic-induced depressiveness (or depression-induced mania) can be chopped up to 3 things:

my new job. so, i began working a new job in late august, which i am so grateful for! i quite literally asked for this job. i went in, looked around, and asked if they were hiring. to my surprise, i was greeted by the store manager with an application and on-the-spot interview! that day was overall amazing. my interactions with strangers were much friendlier than usual, and the consistent vibe for the day was abundance. abundance of smiles, abundance of opportunity, abundance of amazing experiences. this i thought would set the tone for my work interactions and environment, especially given that the manager i spoke to almost immediately asked for my pronouns. i would love to live in a world where that is the norm, regardless of presentation. me being very visibly queer was obviously going to warrant some confusion and curiosity, so i let it be. fast forward to me starting, my first day was great! the customers were eating me up, i was learning the registers (this is a retail job btw), and i had not one bad interaction. that was until we were near close and i was standing with my manager as she talked to a customer. she began introducing me while in the same breath misgendering me. now...as previously stated, i truly understand the confusion, but she asked me my pronouns. it kind of rolled off my back, especially since she immediately corrected herself. she started apologizing to me and said that she "slipped". this statement stuck with me. because, is that how you actually think of me? in the vain of which i was misgendered; is that actually what you see? and not the identity i was vulnerable enough to come to you as--the one you sought out of me? i tried my best not to spiral and allow grace for mistakes and growth within this new environment; an environment that is not mostly or all queer like i'm used to. this would have been a sentiment i held onto if that was the only time this happened. my manager proceeded to misgender me again, as well as most of my coworkers. i was flabbergasted at this point and heavily considered tendering my resignation. i very obviously am not respected in that space or being regarded as the individual that i am, so why should i stay? the thought has been on my mind for a moment now, and i've been trying to devise a plan to make sure i'm not jumping ship with no lifeboat. needless to say the entire debacle has significantly impacted my mental health. this is without considering the interactions with customers. their perceptions of me can range from one thing to another instantly, no matter how i'm dressed, no matter how i sound, no matter how i begin to perform what i think will appease their curiosity around how to approach me. it's all very tiring and has made me question the basis of disregarding my wellbeing for the sake of money, and even partially for the sake of social interactions. i truly don't know where to go with this one.

hormones. now, this one is a more modern realization. i've been going back and forth and back and forth on what could possibly be perplexing me so, only to realize the massive emotional shift i'm undergoing. it was much more obviously felt within the first few weeks of taking them, but i feel now the noticeability has faded into the background. as with anything that becomes a routine, i've grown used to the thoughts and emotions that have became amplified by the presence of hormones. it's taken quite the toll on me, honestly. i can't lay in bed most days like i'd like to. i feel as if i have to put on a mask and perform for a crowd of people every day. i've began to be more assertive and possibly mean within my interactions because i felt as if i was just being pushed over. never in conversations around gender, though. whatever the customers perceive me as is their business. although, i am growing weary of the polarizing views. but i'm guessing that's something i'll have to learn to live with...? i don't know.

the looming, overarching shadow of dread casted by responsibilities i've yet to attend. there are alot of things in this world i'd like to do. attend to these responsibilities is not one of them, however i know i must to live worry-free. well...worry-free of these responsibilities. there is so many other things i have to focus my worries on, and these do not need to be taking up so much space. almost 70% of the responsibilities consist of facing emotional traumas in regards to my parents. another reason i was so grateful for the opportunity to be alone this weekend is because of the strange relationship i hold with my mother. yes, i love her, and yes, we ki down very often, but there is alot to be addressed within our dynamic that has been left unacknowledged or simply unspoken. her perception of me aligns with those that are convoluted by societal definitions of gender norms, which obviously creates some distance. i do my best to give transparency and vulnerability despite this major character flaw. i've explained to her the meaning of nonbinary, just not in my case scenario. i just don't know what's to come of it when i do finally demand respect. i know it needs to happen ASAP especially because...what have i got to lose? besides the odd relationship where alot goes unsaid, my livelihood is not at stake for me standing in my authenticity and claiming visibility in front of my parents. i don't know why i act as if it's life or death for me in this situation. the whole thing has been bothering me for quite some time now, and even more so with the progression of physical changes induced by hormones.

another thing i forgot to mention in my first point is the newfound access to recurring deposits of money. it's convinced me that the world is at my fingertips and i can spend my whole check in a week without batting an eye. i know my first few checks went to rent, but the last one, i couldn't tell you. actually, yes i can--that one went to bills as well. it's unfortunate that living in this world means working to survive. not to rest or reap the fruits of your labor, of course! i've been compulsively shopping with what i have left from squandering on bills. the manic spending of money has made things more dreadful for me, because i'd like to save. i've been too deep in the "live like it's your last" mindset for a while now and it's time for a change. i cannot say i'm completely disappointed with those decisions (i acquired some cool stuff), but i could be doing much better and living wiser without the see it, want it, have it attitude.

the main thing keeping me afloat right now is another planned trip back to my former state, this time specifically to reunite with oomf. also for a friend's wedding, but that's tbd. the details were given to me in passing and forgive me if i don't remember the very vague sentiments that were expressed. this friend also doesn't talk to me often, or at all for that matter! we may have exchanged one or two conversations since i moved. mind you, this person was a best friend to me, so imagine my shock when i was left on delivered for months. anyway, a trip away from the usual humdrum of life always gets me going, and this time i actually will get to stay with my oomfita. things have been rocky for us lately, so i'm kinda riding on this trip to provide us with some stability, and maybe even deeper connection. it's going to be their birthday so i'm hoping to make it very special. (me being there should be special enough...just saying.)

i can truthfully say that sitting down and intentionally dedicating time to write and express has lifted a weight off of my shoulders, and tended to some of the overwhelming anxiety that has been plaguing me for who knows how long! i must do better at holding myself accountable to talking/writing, even if there isn't much to say. i also have to give thanks to the soundbath i've been listening to the entire time i've given correspondence. it's been itching my brain in all the right ways. i just feel very zen and very light, finally releasing so many thoughts that have been with me for so long. i thank myself for getting up here, because i know it was not easy. i am excited to come and visit again tomorrow. hopefully with some prompts!

#life update

[casspurrjoybell-25]

November - Chapter 7

*Warning Adult Content*

- Cooper -

Cooper’s time spent not focusing on Oliver didn't last long.

The next morning, he got a text from him.

Hey, sorry to keep bothering you.

Brad doesn't want to go to Sol Duc Falls, so I'm heading there by myself.

Do you want to hike together again?

If not, no worries. :)

I know you might have better things to do.

Cooper couldn't help the grin that spread across his face.

Of course I'm up for another hike! I'll meet you there.

As he quickly got his stuff together, humming with excitement, he packed some of the cookies that Annabelle and he had baked last night.

It had turned into quite a project, they made two different sets of s'mores cookies, one with a chocolate base and the other with a graham cracker base.

Cooper hoped Oliver would like them.

He showed up at the trailhead parking lot a few minutes before Oliver did.

Since it was a Wednesday, there were only two other cars and Cooper watched the road with anticipation.

It made him happy that Oliver wanted to hike with him again.

He knows that he was the only person the young man knew out here but if Oliver didn't like being around Cooper, he wouldn't have asked him to join him, right?

Oliver finally arrives and parks right next to Cooper who gives him a huge smile.

When Oliver smiled back, Cooper swears he got butterflies in his stomach.

"Thanks for hanging out with me again," Oliver says.

"When I asked for your number on the plane, I promise I wasn't intending to be this annoying."

Cooper laughs.

"You're not being annoying. I've enjoyed hanging out with you."

"It's starting to feel like I'm seeing more of you than Brad on this trip," he joked.

"What's his deal anyway?"

Oliver rolled his eyes as he gets his back-pack out of the car.

"He didn't feel like hiking today. Or driving an hour each way to see this waterfall. It really sucks, since he's been working a lot lately and this trip was supposed to be a chance for us to spend more time together."

"I'm sorry. Is this typical of him?"

Oliver puts his pack on and they both walk over to the trail.

"I guess it is when I think about it. Sometimes he cancels our dinner plans because a friend came into town last minute or there's a networking event or something else happening," the young man shakes his head.

"I shouldn't complain about him to you. That's shitty of me to do, especially if I don't make a point to balance it out with the good things he does."

Cooper doubted there were any good things Brad did but he didn't say that.

"We all complain sometimes. And I think most people vent about their partner once in a while."

"You're probably right. What about your boyfriends? You said it's hard to date out here."

"Yeah, it is. I've had three relationships and none of the guys lived here. One guy lived in Olympia and the other two lived in Seattle. It's a lot of driving and committing all day or all weekend to see each other, which means it doesn't happen every weekend. The guy from Olympia lasted about year but the long distance got to him when I was on a fishing job. No one wants to go months without seeing their partner."

"That would be tough. Have you ever thought of moving closer to the city, or did any of the guys show interest in moving out here?"

"I've thought about it but I love it here and I want to stay near my family, so I'm not ready to make that kind of sacrifice. But most people don't want to live out in the middle of nowhere."

Oliver shrugged.

"I think it's pretty and very peaceful."

"It is but living here can be challenging. There aren't a lot of restaurants, big grocery stores or department stores or much to do if you're not into the outdoors. That keeps a lot of people away."

"Well, I hope you find someone," Oliver told me, looking over and giving Cooper a shy smile.

"Maybe one day the perfect person will come along."

Cooper smiled back but deep down he wasn't feeling optimistic about his odds.

Wanting to change the subject, he points out some sun rays filtering through the trees.

"Look, we got lucky today. The sun is out."

"Wow, it's gorgeous. I'm never going to get tired of seeing this."

After Oliver takes pictures of the sun rays, Cooper motions for him to walk ahead on the trail.

"Go stand in the light."

"Here?" Oliver asked, trying to position himself directly where one of the sun rays was hitting the ground.

"Perfect."

Cooper takes a few pictures of him, working on getting different angles.

‘Oliver is so photogenic.’

"I'll text these to you once we're back in cell tower range. Also, I've got a surprise for when we reach the falls."

"Oh yeah?" Oliver smiles, his dimple deepening.

Cooper looks over at him, know that he wants to keep making this cute young man smile, no matter what it takes.

- Oliver -

The trail was beautiful.

They eventually pass a small log cabin shelter and then the falls came into view.

Large, moss-covered boulders split the river into four separate waterfalls.

"I don't think I'm ever going to stop being impressed by everything I see out here," Olivertells Cooper.

"Southern California is pretty but it's got nothing on Washington."

Cooper smiled at him like he had praised him, rather than the state he lives in but the young man is starting to realize how much Washington means to him.

His enthusiasm for the place he lives in is infectious.

His enthusiasm in general is attractive and it crosses Oliver’s mind how much he missed that with he and Brad.

Oliver’s boyfriend had been sweeter and more friendly when they had first met but as time went on, it was like Brad’s emotions towards Oliver had dulled.

Oliver forced himself to stay in the moment and focuses on the stunning waterfall in front of him.

They step onto the bridge over the river and Cooper offers to take Oliver’s picture again.

He was even enthusiastic about that.

"Turn to the left a bit more and look towards the waterfall like you're gazing at it."

"What am I, a model now?" Oliver asked, laughing.

"You're pretty enough to be one. Look at me now and look serious."

Oliver happily played along.

He had always felt good about himself and his appearance but Cooper made him feel amazing.

"Let's switch places. You be the model now," Oliver tells him.

"I'm definitely not cut out to be a model," Cooper replies, chuckling.

"Not true. You've got the hot lumberjack thing going on.

To Oliver’s surprise, Cooper blushes a bit at that remark.

Before the young man can give the hot lumberjack any direction, Cooper faces the waterfall but then stretched one arm out along the railing, sticks his ass out and turned his head to look at Oliver, putting one finger over his lips in an exaggerated sexual pose.

Oliver immediately cracks up laughing but still manages to take the picture.

Cooper then puts one foot up on the railing and hiked up his pant leg, revealing a hairy calf as he slowly ran his hand up his leg, staring at the camera like he was trying to seduce someone.

The image of this huge, bearded man doing these sexy poses was hilarious and Oliver couldn't stop laughing.

"You are ridiculous."

Cooper grins at him.

"My goal is to entertain."

"You succeeded. These are amazing," Oliver replies, swiping through the pictures on his cell-phone.

"Let's get one together."

Like when we were at Marymere Falls, we took one serious picture and one silly picture.

At this point, Olive had more pictures with Cooper on the trip than he did with Brad.

"Let's eat a snack while we watch the waterfall," Cooper says.

"The snack I prepared, is the surprise."

He pulls a plastic container out of his back-pack and when he opens the lid, the scent of chocolate and sugar waft into the air.

"That smells amazing." Oliver says, leaning in closer, trying to see what Cooper had in there.

"Annabelle and I made cookies last night," he said, offering Oliver the container. "They're all s'mores cookies. The dark ones are a chocolate cookie with graham cracker pieces and marshmallows mixed in and the light ones are a regular cookie but with graham crackers crushed into the dough. They've got marshmallows and chocolate pieces mixed in."

"Woah, that's elaborate," Oliver says, taking one of each.

"You weren't kidding when you said you liked to bake with her."

Cooper grins.

"I hope you like them. I thought I'd return the favor after you shared your peanut butter cookies on the plane."

"You and Annabelle are probably much better at baking than I am," Oliver says, taking a bite of one of the cookies and chewed slowly, taking in all the flavors.

"Yep, this is delicious. Definitely better than mine."

"If you were staying here longer, I'd invite you to come bake with us."

"I'd love that," Oliver replies, truly meaning it.

"Which place are you going to see tomorrow?"

"Hurricane Ridge, as long as the weather's nice."

"I love Hurricane Ridge. It's great for sunrise or sunset or anything, honestly."

Oliver laughs.

"Is there anything in Washington that you don't love?"

"Probably not," Cooper says, grinning back at him.

"Well, I'm excited about it, especially now that I know it's Cooper approved. I just hope Brad won't back out again. I don't like heights so I'm a little worried about driving up the road to get there."

"The road is totally safe. And hey, if he does back out, I'll drive you up there, okay?"

"Cooper... that's nice of you to offer but I don't want to keep taking up all of your time."

“It’s not a problem and I don’t want you to miss out on anything that you’ve obviously planned and saved for.”

"Yeah, you're right. It took me a long time to save up for this, so I want to make the most of it."

"Brad really wouldn't help you out with this trip? I know you said he rarely pays for things but it sounds like he makes a lot more than you and it wouldn't be difficult for him to cover more of the cost."

Oliver sighs, thinking that exact argument.

"He makes twice as much as me. I'm happy for him and I know I'll earn more eventually but sometimes it's hard to keep up with him on my salary. We live in an expensive area and his condo is definitely on the luxury side."

"His condo? Does he own it?"

“It's not paid off yet but yeah, he bought it a few years ago.”

Cooper’s eyes narrow again.

"And he makes you pay rent?"

"I wouldn't expect to live there for free. I pay half, just like everything else. I'm not with him for his money and I don't want him to think that.

"But if he makes double what you do, why are you paying half the rent? I understand equality and everything but it just doesn't work when there's an income disparity like the two of you have. You should be paying less than him. And he could easily pay for the condo himself, so you're basically lining his pockets while you struggle. That's not right, at all. He's taking advantage of you," Cooper says, on a roll now, shaking his head and gesturing with his hands as he rants.

"You're trying so hard to prove you're not with him for money because he wants you to prove that and instead he's taking you for everything you're worth. Love doesn't do that."

Oliver was taken aback by Cooper's words.

He hadn't ever thought of it that way before, that he was saving Brad money by living with him and contributing to his mortgage payments.

"I'm sorry," Cooper said, closing his eyes.

"That was so out of line. I shouldn't have said that."

"It's okay," Oliver replies, speaking slowly as he thinks about what Cooper had just said.

"Because you're not wrong, now that I think about it. It's a valid point."

“But it's none of my business. I'm not in the relationship and I don't have all the information. Gee... I barely know you."

"I'm not offended and I kind of made it your business when I started talking about it," Oliverassured him.

"So, we're good? No hard feelings?" Cooper asked, giving the young man a half smile.

"Yeah, We're good. Here," Oliver says, handing Cooper one of the chocolate cookies.

"Have another cookie."

"The last thing my fat ass needs is another cookie," he replies, rolling his eyes as he still takes it.

"Hey, you’re not fat, you're solid and muscular," Oliver tells him, reaching over and squeezing Cooper’s bicep.

"You need to be big and strong to do all of that hard yakka that you do."

"That's a very nice way of putting it," Cooper admits, chuckling.

Oliver smiles at up at his handsome new friend but  at the back of his mind, the young man can't help thinking about what Cooper had said about his relationship with Brad.

And Oliver knew he'd be thinking about it for the rest of the day.

[rickie-the-storyteller]

Steph's Crew - Part 15: Boyfriend

Intro:

Ok, so I've done a Bret-focused one of these super early on, and a Dylan-focused one more recently. Today, it's Elise's turn!

Elise is the smart, sweet, cheerful one in the group. Her positive outlook on life makes you forget that she's actually dealing with a ton of crap lol. Especially in her home life. This part is meant to expand on that a little bit.

This part also is meant to expand on Brelise a little bit as well, as it picks up from the evening after El's little outing with Bret. You know, the one where they kissed for the first time? Yeah. Their relationship is clearly changing a lot. To what, she's not sure. She's got zero experience with that stuff... (to be honest, they're both a bit confused lol). So she goes around asking for advice.

Slightly awkward family talk

(Elise is curled up on the sofa at home, wrapped up in a soft blanket and reading a fantasy novel. Her parents are standing in the corridor, talking. They peer into the living room and watch her for a moment, but she's so engrossed in her book that she doesn't notice them)

Mother: We've got to confront her about this eventually.

Father: I know.

Mother: You go in there and ask her.

Father: What the- why me?!

Mother: 'Cause she likes you better, Paul!

Paul: Oh, come on love. That's not true.

Mother: Ok, but you're most likely to get the truth out of her.

Paul: Nonsense. Look, we're both her parents. We'll go in there and ask her together. Alright, Maggie?

Maggie: (sighs) Alright, then. But could you maybe be a dear and start the conversation?

Paul: Sure. Now come on.

(The two enter the living room and sit on the sofa with their daughter)

Paul: Hello, darling!

Elise: (smiles) Hi!

Paul: What's that you've got there?

Elise: Oh, I'm re-reading "The Hobbit."

Paul: Ah, that's a classic, that is. (chuckles) Isn't it, love?

Maggie: (awkwardly) Yeah, yeah. Absolutely… (clears throat) Alright, so let's cut to the chase.

Paul: (grimaces) You were doing so well.

Elise: Uh… (puts her book down) What's going on, guys?

Paul: Your mother and I wanted to ask you something. A little something… it's not a big deal, it's not like you're in any trouble or anything. Right, dear?

Maggie: It's just that we've noticed that you've been out of the house a lot lately. Much more than usual.

Paul: And you've spent a lot more time with your friends. During the weekends especially. Which again, I must reiterate, is not a bad thing-

Maggie: No. It's not. But it IS something we've noticed.

Elise: Yeah. I suppose I have been out a lot. But you know, I have also been out working, too. At Costco. And studying in the library. It's not like I've just been out partying and messing around with my mates.

Paul: (nods) Yeah, we know.

(long, awkward silence. Elise picks up her book and tries to find the page she was on)

Maggie: You know something else we've noticed? Your father and I?

Elise: (sighs and puts her book down again) What, mum?

Maggie: You seem to be spending the majority of your time with one friend in particular.

Paul: Yeah! That boy that you've been friends with since primary school.

Maggie: The same boy that broke my mother's lamp back when we were away that one weekend…

Paul: What's his name? Brad?

Elise: Bret, dad. His name is Bret.

Paul: Bret! See, I knew I was somewhat close.

Elise: And mum, I know that him breaking grandma's vase was really bad, but he felt TERRIBLE about it, and even paid to fix his mistake with his own money! Plus, it was ages ago.

Maggie: Oh, I know, I know. That isn't what this is about.

Elise: (shifts in her seat slightly) No?

Paul: No. See, we noticed that the two of you have been getting a lot closer the last few weeks, what with you hanging out at the weekends, and you going to his house almost every day and stuff… plus, this Saturday, we saw that he walked you home and-

Maggie: (abruptly cuts him off) Is he your boyfriend?

(There's another silence. Elise looks shocked. Paul is clearly feeling awkward as well)

Paul: That's what we were trying to ask you, yes.

Elise: (thinking deeply) I… don't know.

Maggie: What do you mean?

Elise: I mean, he told me that he likes me, and I reciprocated. But we never made anything official.

Maggie: (pauses) I see.

Paul: Ok. So it could potentially happen at some point?

Elise: I guess.

Paul: I see…

(Yet another awkward silence)

Maggie: (sighs) Honey, you know that in the past, we were super strict with you dating due to what happened with your brother-

Elise: I know. I understand why… and I won't date Bret if you don't want me to. If that's where this conversation is going.

Maggie: It isn't.

Elise: Oh?

Paul: We've been thinking… about you and about Adam… we really just wanted to protect you from all the awful stuff he and Grace had to deal with back when he was in your position. We didn't want that for you. You're this beautiful, brilliant girl with a bright future ahead of you, and we didn't want anything - ANYTHING to stand in the way of that.

Maggie: I guess we thought it was best to kind of shield you from all that… but you've shown us time and time again that you are not your brother. We can trust you.

Elise: So you're saying that you couldn't trust Adam?

Maggie: Hell no.

Elise: (laughs) Oh my gosh, mum!

Maggie: What?! I didn't even know about his relationship with Grace until she got pregnant.

Paul: … I did.

Maggie: Of course you did. Not even surprised!

(Elise laughs even more. Paul joins in, and eventually, Maggie does as well. They settle down after a while)

Paul: So what we're saying is, if it does eventually happen with Bret, we're ok with it. You are smart and responsible, and you are 18 years old. We know you're mature enough to be able to handle yourself.

Elise: (smiles) Thanks, you guys. I love you both so much.

Maggie: (puts an arm around Elise) We love you too, darling.

The wonderful world of J.R.R Tolkien

Adam: Did you enjoy "Planetarium"? It's by one of my good friends, it's got a special place in my heart.

Bret: Yeah! It was beautiful, thanks for letting me borrow it, man. Also, it's hella cool that you're friends with a famous author. Wish I could be friends with somebody important…

Adam: Oh, Brandon's not famous… he's an indie author. Studies English in uni currently, but he does writing on the side. I was going to do that, too… but then I decided not to. Pissed my parents off big time, but it's my life, not theirs.

Bret: Fair enough. Not all that interested in going to university myself, either.

Adam: Oh?

Bret: Yeah. Never was big on school. I guess I just didn't really get the point. I mean, I get the point of learning stuff, but…

Adam: I understand. I often felt the same way growing up. The school system definitely has its flaws… I spent a lot of my life feeling like I was stupid just because I didn't learn at the same pace or with the same methods as some of the other smarter kids in my class. It's even worse when you grow up with a sister like Ellie, who just kills it in pretty much every subject. It made me mad at myself… not getting stuff easily like everyone else seemed to.

Bret: I was only ever really good at specific stuff… I'm not a naturally science-y person. Or a maths-y person. I never had a brain for numbers or logical shit. I've always naturally been more of a creative kid. Like, I sucked at basically everything except for Art, DT and Music. Especially music. I've been into writing and producing my own music for years now.

Adam: Cool! Can you play any instruments?

Bret: I can! I'm self-taught in drums, piano and guitar.

Adam: Have you done anything cool with your music?

Bret: Not yet. I was thinking of posting it on SoundCloud or something… but I don't know. I'm not even brave enough to show my aunt or my friends… let alone random strangers.

Adam: Why not? You don't really strike me as "not brave."

Bret: Yeah, but my music is different. It's not really a side of myself I show others a lot. Probably because I'm not the best singer, so I mostly do rap music. I do still sing sometimes though. I think I'm just worried that I'll be judged, since it's not like I've been professionally trained or anything.

Adam: So you're afraid of people not thinking you're work is good?

Bret: I guess…

Adam: (pauses) Elise has told me that it's good.

Bret: Really?

Adam: (smiles) Yeah. She says you're really talented.

Bret: (blushes) She's awesome.

Adam: Yes she is. (pauses) Ooh, that reminds me. You know what book you should read next?

Bret: What?

Adam: Come with me.

(Bret follows Adam into the study room in his flat. He goes to a specific shelf and takes out "Lord of the Rings" by J.R.R Tolkien)

Adam: Me and Elise both love this book a lot. (passes it to Bret) Have you read it before?

Bret: Lord of the Rings. I know this… like, I've watched the movie. So I know how the story goes. But I've never read it before.

Adam: You should! It's awesome. Better than the film, if I do say so myself.

Bret: I don't know… I'm typically more of a movie person, myself. I'm a visual guy, which is probably why I tend to prefer graphic novels and picture books and comics to real books.

Adam: Comics and graphic novels ARE real books, Bret.

Bret: I know… it's just that I see the book nerds in school read big, thick books all the time. And those tend to have tons of words, and no pictures at all. Like El, for example. She loves to read classic works in literature, like the ones by Jane Austin and Tom what's-his-name.

Adam: Do you mean Jane Austen and Thomas Hardy?

Bret: I don't know! Probably!

Adam: (laughs) That's true, though. Elise does love a good classic. But she loves comics, too. Reading books isn't just for smart people, man. Anyone can enjoy it! And pictures are just another medium for telling a story. Comics and picture books aren't for less smart or less intellectual folks… they're for anyone that wants an adventure.

Elise: (from outside the room) Adam?

Adam: (opens the study room door) In here!

(Elise comes into the room and sees her brother and Bret standing there)

Elise: (to Bret) Oh, hi! (blushes) I didn't think you'd be here… I just came to see my brother.

Bret: (smiles) Hey, El.

(A silence falls in the room as the two smile at each other for a prolonged amount of time. Adam watches them)

Adam: (abruptly) Well, I'm here! Hey Ellie! You came to see me?

Elise: Uh, yeah! I wanted to talk to you about something. Is this a bad time, though? It looks like I interrupted something.

Adam: Oh, no you didn't. I was just welcoming your good-natured but slightly dim-witted friend...

Bret: Hey! (whispers to Elise) Was that supposed to be mean?

Elise: (whispers back) Yeah.

Bret: HEY.

Adam: (laughs) -to the wonderful world of J.R.R Tolkien! And what I mean by that is, I gave him your copy of Lord of the Rings. I hope you don't mind.

Elise: I don't mind. Enjoy the book, B. It's great.

(Eventually, Bret leaves. Adam and Elise continue their conversation)

Adam: So, what's up Ellie?

Elise: Nothing much. I just wanted to see you. Feels like ages since I've been here. (pauses) Plus, a lot has been going on in my life lately, and I wanted to talk to someone about it.

Adam: (nods) I thought as much. Fill me in, sis. Oh wait! Can I guess? Please let me guess first.

Elise: Ok.

Adam: You got another A?

Elise: I did! In Politics. I aced my assessment last week.

Adam: YES!

Elise: I wasn't going to talk about that, though. Other stuff has happened, too.

Adam: Does it have anything to do with Bret by any chance?

Elise: Uh, yeah. How did you know?

Adam: I'm not an idiot, El. Despite what our parents might think. As well as most of my old teachers...

Elise: Oh, STOP. Nobody thinks you're an idiot, Adam...

Adam: (sighs) So, what's been going on?

Elise: We've been hanging out a lot lately. Going to see movies and stuff. Just yesterday, we went to see the new Dragon Hunter movie, since he's really into that series.

Adam: He looks like he's into that series...

Elise: Bro! Shut up! Anyway, after the movie, he told me that he likes me. Romantically.

Adam: No way... wait, what did you say?

Elise: I said, "ok." And then I walked away.

Adam: What?!

Elise: He said I didn't need to say anything! (laughs) Don't worry, that's not how I left things. I told him I like him, too. 'Cause I do.

Adam: Ok, that makes much more sense. Oh my God, that's great!

Elise: I know! And then we kissed later on.

Adam: Even better! (pauses) Wait. What type of kiss was it?

Elise: Adam!

Adam: What?! I mean, what was it like? Was it long or short?

Elise: It ended up being pretty long, actually. I don't see how that's relevant, though.

Adam: You never heard of the five-second rule? (Elise looks very confused) The average kiss is about five seconds because that's how long it takes to register the whole action in your brain. If you kiss someone for longer than five seconds, it means that you guys are in love.

Elise: Where did you get that from?

Adam: It doesn't matter. So, what's up? Are you two together now?

Elise: I don't know.

Adam: What about mum and dad? They'd be furious if they knew this was going on...

Elise: Actually, they already know.

Adam: What?!

Elise: They know we've been hanging out a lot. They even talked to me about it earlier. I guess they've been noticing some things.

Adam: Well, what did they say?

Elise: They said they're fine with it.

Adam: ...Really?

Elise: Yeah. They trust me. Now that I'm 18, they trust that I can handle myself.

Adam: (sarcastically) That seems fair.

Elise: What do you mean?

Adam: I mean, back when I was living there, they were nowhere near this lenient. Or understanding. They insisted on controlling everything I did...

Elise: And until recently, they were like that with me, too. I mean, come on. Why do you think I push myself to get perfect grades all the time?

Adam: 'Cause you're smart and hard-working?

Elise: Well, yeah. But also because that's what they expect of me. That's what they expected from both of us growing up. Perfection.

Adam: (sighs) Yeah.

Elise: But you know what? I think that everything that they had to go through with you and Grace made them realise that they shouldn't expect that. They've kind of grown since then and can see things in a different way. Sort of.

Quick life update

(The next morning, Elise is sitting on her bed. She looks at her desk across the room. It's stacked with her English Literature books, textbooks, practice papers and notes, as well as her other study supplies and her to-do list for the bank holiday weekend. She sighs and takes a deep breath and dials Stephanie's number. After a few rings, Stephanie answers.)

Elise: Hello? Steph?

Stephanie: (cheerfully) Hey, El! What's up?

Elise: Is now a good time to talk? I have something important to talk to you about.

Stephanie: Oh, wow. Really?

Elise: (excitedly) Yeah, I have big news! Sort of.

Stephanie: What? What is it?

Elise: Oh my gosh, you won't believe it!

Stephanie: Do tell! (teasingly) Did your parents finally let you adopt that puppy you've been wanting for ages?

Elise: (laughing) No, no. It's about… something else.

Stephanie: You know what? I'll come over. I'm in the area, I'll be at your place in about five minutes.

Elise: What the- how? (brief pauses) Why?!

Stephanie: Because I'm bored and lonely and I have nothing better to do.

Elise: What? I thought things were getting better between you and Ben.

Stephanie: They are. But I have to get used to the fact that I really CAN'T reach him at any time… I tried calling him earlier this morning, and he didn't answer. Realised that it was like 3 in the morning where he is, meaning he'd most likely be in DEEP sleep right now. So I chose not to take offence. (pauses) I'm still bored though.

Elise: Ok, see you in a bit. I'll just let my mum know you're on the way.

Stephanie: Cool. Later, girl. (hangs up)

(about five minutes later, Stephanie enters the living room, spotting Elise sitting on the couch with a beaming smile.)

Stephanie: Hey!

Elise: Hey!

Stephanie: Ok, so spill! What's going on with you? Give me a brief life update. Oh wait, can I go first actually? I have something I'd like to share briefly.

Elise: Ok… shoot.

Stephanie: I finally know how to make sangria and not make it suck!

Elise: (dumbfounded) Oh… cool.

Stephanie: Yeah! I've been learning to make all kinds of things recently. Just last week, I mastered the art of making the perfect lasagna! I mean, as a feminist, I shouldn't say this, but I really feel like the kitchen is my place. In the best way possible. I didn't realise how much fun cooking could be!

Elise: … I don't know why I was expecting something more. But that's good, Steph. I'm glad you're having fun, and finding more hobbies to fill your time.

Stephanie: Me too. Ok, now you? What's up with you lately?

Elise: Uh… let's see. (pauses) I aced my Politics assessment last week.

Stephanie: Yes! That's great, well done.

Elise: Thank you! And I also got promoted at work. Like, I earn more money now. Not that much more, but still. And… I have a boyfriend now, too. (pauses) I think.

Stephanie: (gasps) Wait, what?! Seriously?

Elise: Yeah! I think. (murmurs to herself) I'm not like 100% sure.

Stephanie: Oh my God. Ellie! I can’t believe this! (hugs her) This is huge! Your first real boyfriend! I’m assuming. This is your first boyfriend, isn’t it?

Elise: (nods) Mhm.

Stephanie: I’m so happy for you, El. Really. So, who is it?

Elise: Bret.

Stephanie: Bret?

Elise: Yeah!

Stephanie: You’re with Bret?

Elise: Yeah!

Stephanie: (incredulously) Really? I never saw him as your type.

Elise: I know… Kind of surprised me, too. But, Steph, he makes me so happy. I love being with him so much, I can't even explain it.

Stephanie: Aw… really?

Elise: Yeah. And he's one of the best friends I've ever had. I trust him.

Stephanie: Why aren't you completely sure you two are together?

Elise: Because we haven't talked about what we are yet. We've just told each other that we like each other, and that we would "hypothetically" date each other. Like, the word "hypothetically" was used during that conversation.

Stephanie: (grimaces) Yikes…

Elise: We did kiss, though.

Stephanie: Oh! Ok! Not yikes, then.

Elise: For like, a really long time…

Stephanie: (nods) Ok, all of that sounds super promising.

Elise: And we've been texting each other a lot since then!

Stephanie: (smiles) Ok. Yeah, he's basically your husband.

Elise: (giggles) I think he's going to be a good boyfriend, Steph.

Stephanie: (sighs) I'll believe it when I see it.

Elise: Oh, come on! I mean, I know it’s early days, and I don’t really have a good frame of reference or anything, since it’s my first relationship, but-

Stephanie: (teasingly) I'll be the judge of that El. Look, we know how Bret is like. Is he really boyfriend material?

Elise: I suppose I get what you mean. He may not fit the mould of “perfect boyfriend”, in the broadest sense of the word, but I know him, you know? Not like how you do… I mean, he's been my friend for such a long time. And remember back when I first introduced him to you? When you first started at our school?

(Flashback - Stephanie's first week of school)

(Stephanie spots Elise in the study room and approaches her. Elise smiles back and waves at her)

Elise: Hey, Stephanie! How’s your day been going so far?

Stephanie: I’m ok, mostly. Thanks again for showing me around earlier. I really appreciate it.

Elise: Oh, don’t mention it. It’s the least I could do. I hope you’re settling in well here.

Stephanie: I am, don’t worry. I feel like I need a few more days to completely get the hang of how things work, but everyone is so nice and I’m enjoying myself a lot, so.

Elise: (smiles) Yeah?

Stephanie: (nods) Yeah.

Elise: I’m so glad! (briefly turns to her friends in the corner of the room, then turns back to Stephanie) Hey, Steph, I want you to meet some people real quick. These folks are my best friends. You’ll love them!

Stephanie: Ok, I’ll take your word for it.

(Elise takes Stephanie by the hand and excitedly pulls her to the group where BRETT, ALICE and DYLAN are hanging out)

Elise: (cheerfully) Guys, this is Stephanie Smith. She’s from my form room. And she’s new, so be nice.

(Alice and Dylan greet Stephanie politely, but Bret is on his phone, distracted from the conversation)

Alice: Hello, I’m Alice. It’s nice to meet you.

Dylan: Yeah, welcome! I’m Dylan.

Stephanie: Nice to meet you too! (glances over at Bret for a moment, then turns to Elise) Uh…

(At this point, Alice and Dylan go to the computer section of the room to get started on some homework)

Elise: That’s Bret. He’s cool, too.

Stephanie: Ok… is he always this chatty, or what?

Elise: I’m sorry, he can be kind of… meh, sometimes. But once you get to know him, he’s great! Honest. Here, see for yourself. Bret? (nudges his arm to get his attention) Bret? BRET!

Bret: Fuck off! (looks up and sees Elise and Stephanie. He eyes Stephanie up and down a couple of times, confused) What are you, new?

Elise: (exasperated) Yes, Bret, she’s new. I just said that two minutes ago! Why don’t you ever pay attention to a word I say?

Stephanie: (tries to be nice) Hey. It’s nice to meet you, Bret.

Bret: (continues to look at her in silence) You have great hair. Looks like it should be in a shampoo ad or something. (goes back to his phone)

Stephanie: Um. Thanks. Elise talks about you a lot.

Bret: (rolls his eyes) I bet all she did was complain…

(Elise gasps and Stephanie shakes her head)

Elise: What?!

Stephanie: No! All good things, I promise. She thinks the world of you!

Bret: (surprised) Really? ‘Cause she only ever complains to me…

Elise: Oh, come on! That’s not true...

Stephanie: Seriously? I mean, I highly doubt it is possible for her to complain about anything… it just seems like she’s a hella happy person. (sighs) Must be nice.

Bret: (shrugs) That’s all most people do when they’re talking about me, to be honest.

Stephanie: (sarcastically) What?! That’s crazy, man!

Bret: (clearly doesn’t get the sarcastic comment) I know, right?! Everyone just seems to have issues with me.

Elise: (murmurs) Gosh, I wonder why…

Bret: (puts down phone, yells angrily) And what the fuck is that supposed to mean, El?

Elise: Nothing! (pause) Just that you don’t really… do much to get people to, you know… (sighs) like you.

Bret: So I’m a horrible person because I don’t bend over backwards to try and win the approval of others?

Elise: Dude, chill out. I never said it was a bad thing. It’s actually admirable in a lot of ways. But you know, it’s not a crime to be kind or helpful to others every once in a while.

Stephanie: Yeah, she’s got a point. It’s ok to do you. Just don’t go giving people reasons to complain about you. Learned that one the hard way…

Bret: Wow, the newbie is lecturing me now…

Alice: (calls out from the other side of the room) Knock it off, Bret! She's new here.

Dylan: Yeah, bro! Try to show some manners.

Bret: Right, sorry. (pauses) Welcome to this lovely hellhole prison, otherwise known as our school. You’ll get used to it.

Elise: BRET!

Bret: What?! Oh, come on, she’s a grown, tough girl, not a stray puppy.

Stephanie: (laughs, shaking her head at the interaction) Thanks, Bret. It was nice talking to you. I guess.

Bret: Yeah, you too. (turns to Elise) Hey, El. Are we still on for the record store after school? I had something really cool to show you.

Elise: (nods) Yeah, yeah.

(The bell rings for the next class)

Elise: I have to go.

Stephanie: Me too.

(Alice, Dylan and Bret all say goodbye to them. They leave the room together)

Stephanie: Your friends are very… interesting. Especially you know who.

Elise: (apologetic) I'm sorry about him. He's going through a lot right now, but he's one of my best friends here. He's got this really good side to him; you'll see it eventually.

Stephanie: Right… Can’t wait.

(End of flashback)

Stephanie: Oh, yeah. He was being a dick, as per usual, and you were all like “I’m so sorry about him. He’s going through a lot right now. But he’s one of my best friends here, and he’s got this really good side to him, you’ll see it eventually.” Still waiting to see it, to be honest.

Elise: (laughs) Right, sorry about that. But I have seen it. I've seen his good side, the way he cares so deeply about stuff. Maybe it’s because I’ve known him for longer than you, but trust me, there's more to him than meets the eye.

(Stephanie considers Elise's words, realizing that she should trust her friend's judgment.)

Stephanie: You know what, Elise? If he makes you happy and treats you right, then that's all that matters to me. I’m happy if you’re happy.

Elise: (smiles) Thanks, girl.

Stephanie: No problem. So, am I the first to know?

Elise: Well, not exactly. I already told Adam about Bret when I went over to his place yesterday.

Stephanie: You did?

Elise: Yeah. I couldn't help it! We're so close, he’s like my best friend in the whole wide world. Other than you, of course. And his place is like a second home to me, ever since our parents… well, you know. But now I'm worried about how to tell my parents.

Stephanie: (sympathetically) Elise, I understand why you confided in Adam first. He's your brother, after all. But I don’t get why you're worried about your parents' reaction.

Elise: They've always been rather strict about dating, especially after what happened with Adam in high school. It was such a difficult time for all of us, and I think it made them even more protective of me. And while they did give me permission to date now that I'm 18, I still feel kind of worried… I don't want them to see this as a repeat of what happened with Adam.

Stephanie: (reassuringly) I get that, El, but you have to remember that you are not Adam, and your relationship with Bret is completely different from Adam’s relationship with what’s-her-face.

Elise: Grace, Stephanie. Her name is Grace.

Stephanie: (shrugs) Whatever. Either way, it's super important to communicate with your parents about this. They need to see that you've made a thoughtful decision and that Bret is a trustworthy, responsible and caring person. Or the closest thing that he could possibly get to that.

Elise: (laughs) Oh my gosh, shut up! (calms down) You've got a point, though. I know that they trust me, they've told me so. I guess I'm just afraid that they don't trust him. Especially after the vase incident.

Stephanie: Your mum's still mad about that? Girl, that was ages ago.

Elise: She's not MAD mad… but she still brings it up sometimes. It really upset her. I wasn't exaggerating at the time, that vase is a seriously big deal in my house.

Stephanie: Damn…

Elise: Thanks for the advice, Steph. It really helps. I think I know what to do now. Kind of.

Stephanie: Of course! I'm here for you every step of the way.

Elise: What would I do without you?

Stephanie: Ok, don’t get all sappy on me now. We can’t lose focus on the most important thing here. You have a boyfriend! You got promoted! And you aced a test. That's awesome! We’ve got to celebrate it. Let’s go out!

Elise: Steph, I can’t. I mean I’d love to, don’t get me wrong. But I was planning to go over my English Literature notes today. (gestures to all her study supplies on the table)

Stephanie: (gasps) Damn it, El. You’re way too obsessed with school.

"Defining the relationship" talk

(It's Tuesday, after the long bank holiday weekend. Elise walks nervously down the crowded hallway, clutching her books tightly to her chest. She spots Bret walking into the room and musters up the courage to approach him. She needs to talk to him about what happened on Saturday)

Elise: (awkwardly) Uh, hey!

Bret: (looking up, a smile forming) Hey.

(There is a long, awkward pause. The two gaze into each other’s eyes, unable to look away. They struggle to come up with what they want to say next.)

Elise: (gaze slowly shifting to the ground) Hi…

Bret: It’s good to see you, El.

Elise: (looks back up at Bret and smiles) Yeah, you too.

Bret: Um, how's it going? How was that family gathering you went to? Was it good?

Elise: Yeah! Yeah, it was good. Really good. Thanks for asking. What about you? How was your weekend, Bret?

Bret: Good, good. (another pause) Great weather we’ve been having, right?

Elise: Uh, yeah! I mean…

(Almost as if on cue, a sudden crash of thunder resounds from outside. Their friend Alice, who has been sitting in the study room for a while, opens a nearby curtain to reveal the heavy rain.)

Alice: (smirking) You guys sure about that?

(Elise sighs in response to this comment. It had actually been rain for pretty much the entire weekend. Just then, their other friend, Dylan, enters the room, soaking wet from the thunderstorm)

Dylan: (irritated) Stupid fricking British weather can’t make up its damn mind!

Alice: (chuckles) Oh, boy. You ok, Dylan?

Dylan: It’s supposed to be May. Why is it still cold and wet? When are we going to get some sun and hot weather up in here?!

Alice: Funny you should say that. Bret and Elise were just talking about how much they’ve been enjoying the weather. Weren’t you?

(Bret groans uncomfortably upon hearing this question. Elise rolls her eyes.)

Elise: Ugh. Ally…

Dylan: (raising an eyebrow) You guys do know it's raining cats and dogs out there, right?

Bret: (defensively) Yes, Dylan, we aren’t stupid. Some people actually like the rain!

Dylan: (chuckles) My God. You two have a real funny way of appreciating "great" weather.

Elise: (trying to recover) Right, right. I guess I just meant… it’s really great weather for, you know, staying inside and stuff.

(Bret nods in agreement, his face turning even redder.)

Bret: Yeah, exactly. Perfect weather for the indoor activities. (nudges Elise in a casual manner) Know what I mean?

(Elise blushes even more and covers her face with her hands, unable to contain her embarrassment. Alice smiles and Dylan tries very hard to maintain a straight face, but you could tell that he wants to laugh.)

Elise: Stop! Oh my gosh…

(Bret chuckles nervously, realizing his unintentional innuendo.)

Bret: (fidgeting with his zipper) Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I meant like reading a good book.

(Alice sniggers upon hearing this comment coming from Bret of all people.)

Bret: Or watching a movie! Or… something like that. (pauses, looking around the room desperately for an escape) I- I just remembered, I’ve got to go.

(He hastily walks towards the door. Elise follows him and stops him right before he exits.)

Elise: (concerned) Hey, wait! Is everything ok, Bret?

Bret: (nervously) Yeah, yeah, everything's fine. I, uh, just remembered I have to, uh, go somewhere…

Elise: Ok, what’s wrong? You’re clearly uncomfortable.

Bret: Oh, nothing’s wrong, don’t worry. It’s just that I have a sociology exam coming up, and I just remembered that I need to talk to Mr Parker to get a few details sorted out.

Elise: (both relieved and disappointed) Oh, ok.

Bret: (reassuringly) I'll catch up with you later.

Elise: (slowly nods) Ok. See you later then, Bret. Good luck with the exam!

Bret: (laughs) It’s not for another two weeks, El. (sincerely) But thanks. (he leaves)

Dylan: I’d better head out, too. See you guys at break, yeah? (makes his way to the door as well)

Alice: Later, Dylan!

(Elise waves bye. Alice turns to face Elise, and she quickly notices the puzzled look on her face.)

Alice: (teasingly) So, Elise, whatever's going on with the two of you?

Elise: (playing along a bit) Whatever do you mean, Alice?

Alice: You know very well what I mean.

(Elise shrugs.)

Alice: According to a reliable source, you two seemed to be very close when you were hanging out in town on Saturday.

Elise: (sighs) Dylan had to open his big mouth, didn’t he?

Alice: (giggles) He told me everything. Well, everything he knows, which is probably not enough. So come on, let’s discuss.

Elise: You sure?

Alice: Yeah, girl. Let’s talk about Saturday.

Elise: Um… ok. So, on Saturday, he and I watched The Dragon Hunter. Great movie, I can see why Bret loves that series so much. But anyways, he told me that he likes me.

Alice: What?!

Elise: Yeah, and I told him that I like him, too. It was just so… weird. I mean, it was a good weird. The sort of thing you imagine in your head, but never expect to actually experience. Anyway, we kissed.

Alice: (gasps) I knew Dylan didn’t have the whole story! See, ‘cause he told me that you almost kissed, but didn’t.

Elise: Right, because he interrupted us. That was after we first came out of the cinema. His car happened to be parked close by where we were standing, so he was watching us while we were about to kiss, and he honked his horn to get our attention. We kissed properly later on. Once we’d left. And then our hangout had to get cut off by mum mother calling me to come home early, but I didn’t care… I was too happy.

Alice: (beaming smile) Aww, El. Your first kiss!

Elise: Woah, what makes you think- (cuts off, pausing for a moment) Yeah, it was my first kiss. It was great! And now, everything is just awkward between us. I don’t know what to do. I was hoping that I could talk to him about it now, but then he had to leave early, and… yeah. I don’t know.

Alice: (nods) A classic case of the post-kiss, “what happens now” awkwardness. Don't worry, I've got you. You feel weird right now because you don’t know where you stand. Which makes sense, because this has literally just happened the other day. You likely haven’t had the DTR talk yet.

Elise: The what?

Alice: Defining The Relationship. Have you had a proper conversation since Saturday? What’s going on with you guys now?

Elise: I don’t know. We’ve texted here and there. But I have no idea what we are.

Alice: Right! So ask him.

Elise: You can do that?

Alice: Yeah. When it comes to dealing with guys, being straightforward is the best approach.

Elise: How do I even bring it up?

Alice: Just ask! Go right up to him and say: “Bret, you kissed me on Saturday. What the hell does that mean?” Or, “What are we? Are we in a relationship now, or what?!” Or something like that. You can change it up to suit your mood if you wish.

Elise: (smiles) Hmmm… I might just do that. Thanks, Alice.

Alice: Anytime. You’ve got this, El. Just be open and honest, and everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.

Do something about it (Dylan talking to Bret after they leave the room)

Dylan: (catches up to Bret) What was that, man?

Bret: What?

Dylan: That! That weirdness!

Bret: I don't know.

Dylan: You guys are together, right?

Bret: (hesitates) Yeah… I think.

Dylan: You think?

Bret: I don't know!

Dylan: What do you mean, you don't know?! You are either in a relationship or not.

Bret: Yeah, you're right. (pauses) We probably aren't.

Dylan: What about Saturday?

Bret: We haven't really talked at all since then.

Dylan: Oh. Well, you should talk about it. You do like each other, don't you?

Bret: Yeah. (smiles)

Dylan: Right! So do something about it, then.

(bell rings for the next class)

Dylan: I should get going, I've got maths next. (starts to leave) Good luck, bro!

Bret: Thanks, man! (waves at him)

(Bret takes his phone out and texts Elise: "We should meet up later and talk. Sit with me at lunch?" She quickly responds: "I totally would, but I'm super busy all day. I can meet up after school, though!" Bret smiles and types back: "Deal.")

The end.

So, we get more insight into Elise's family history, as well as more development in her relationship with Bret. Bret has also become good friends with Elise's brother Adam and frequently goes to his house and borrows books from him and stuff. It's nice! And it’s interesting to see how much they have in common when you think about it…

Btw, Adam’s bit about the “five-second rule” for kissing is something I got from “The Next Step!” It’s a tv show about a competitive dance team. Did anyone else watch it growing up? Used to be my jam lol.

I typically dislike misunderstandings like this in real life (where you are unsure of what your relationship is, due to not clearly defining it in a conversation. That's how "situation-ships" are born lol. That being said, I felt like this was a natural progression for their relationship as I was writing the story, so I kept it in at the time.

Thank you so much for reading!

#rickie-the-storyteller #writerblr #writing #creative writing #original story #original content #steph's crew #original characters #stephanie smith and her friends #Elise #Bret #Adam #Alice #Dylan #Brelise #friends to lovers #mutual pining #budding romance

[celestialpotat0]

carlsbad caverns

I've wanted to jot down my experience at carlsbad caverns but have been so busy that i never got the chance. I actually need to head out asap since i'm supposed to be leaving now to spend the weekend in the stanislaus national forest. but since im about to take another trip into nature i HAVE to very quickly finish up jotting down my previous experience before i set out on this next one.

there's always a thrill when descending underground into caves. i much prefer exploring unpaved caves but the magic of carlsbad caverns was the size of it. so spectacular to know how large of a world exists underground there.

the evening that i was waiting for the bats (mostly Brazilian free-tailed bats) to fly out of the cave, it was a record late time for that year up until that point. we were waiting and waiting and waiting and worried that maybe the bats would decide not to leave the cave that evening. i was really savoring the fact that they prohibited all electronics to protect the bats--it also protected my happiness and appreciation of that experience. we were all fully present, together, waiting patiently under a darkening sky and cooling temperatures to witness the bats. my eyes struggled to adjust to the darkness and i sat there too chilly in my shorts as the wind swept around me. nothing to distract me from being in tune with my senses and taking it all in.

finally, i spotted a single bat in the sky above my head, and then i started doubting myself and convinced myself it was just a bird, and then slowly and eventually more bats came out until it was undeniable -- the bat flight had started! i told myself then and there that it was one of the most awesome things i had ever experienced. but i also find bats to be one of the most fascinating mammals. the vast number of bats that flew out of the cave boggled the mind, and the path that they took in the air as they flew out was enchanting. it's so difficult to believe that there are way more bats later in the year than when i went, because there already were way more bats than i had expected when i was walking through the caverns.

ultimately, to be disconnected from the rest of the world while i sat outside there silently watching an endless stream of bats fly out of the cave to go hunting is a memory i deeply treasure. we share this planet with absolutely beautiful living creatures.

also, great job to carlsbad caverns: the nearest bathroom to the bat amphitheater at carlsbad caverns that evening after the bat flight takes the cake for nicest, cleanest bathroom ive ever visited at any national park. although to be fair, most public bathrooms at nps visitor centers are clean anyway.

my other favorite thing was watching a majestic turkey vulture gliding air currents very close to me for the longest time so i got a wonderful view of the bird and got to watch the bird up close for a while.

departing for the sierra nevadas today. i really want to disconnect from the world and be fully present and surrounded by wilderness again.

[soft-epilogue-continues]

On the Nature of Work

eh, while I'm waiting for my computer drivers to update, some thinky thoughts on the nature of work.

I'm in the privileged position of working in the tech industry at a remote company. I work out of my own house and generally have a lot of freedom with my work day. We don't need to push a clock and no one is tracking my hours/keystrokes or whatever. You get your work done on time and no one cares if you do or do not sit at your desk for 8 hours a day. The level of flexibility this provides as a working parent cannot be overstated: IT'S FANTASTIC AND AN ABSOLUTE NECESSITY. I also have unlimited paid time off, which, again, as a working parent is a goddessend (though the way the company has been limiting some of our freedoms in regards to remote work lately makes me think this will probably be on the chopping block one of these days too).

But I'm not happy with my job. One can argue I'm just feeling impostor syndrome, but I know that legitimately this job is not a great fit for me in regards to the actual work I'm doing. The benefits, yeah, fantastic, wouldn't want anything else. The actual work? It doesn't jive with me. I constantly have to claw my way up or through a wall in my mind to get work done. I constantly dream of escape. To another company, to another industry. But as I keep learning, wherever you go there you are.

I've generally accepted the personal philosophy that it's ok that I don't love my job (though in tech that's basically heresy) and that my life's meaning comes from my relationships with my family, my friend(s), and my hobbies. Not loving my job means that I can "clock out" and not think about it again until I have to work again the following day. My job doesn't haunt me on the weekends (unless I don't get enough done the previous week). But I'm not quite at the point of fully feeling this philosophy. I'm still constantly trying to escape in the back of my mind. Because I spend so much of most of my days thinking and worrying about work. It feels like there should be something more.

As my husband put it: I'm looking for a me-shaped hole to place my me-shaped peg into... and in capitalism that just doesn't exist.

So what's left? I don't want to come to the end of my life wondering: what did I spend my time doing?

I could go to grad school I suppose, but as my grad student husband has also pointed out, grad school is not a place where you go to figure yourself out. You don't discover yourself in grad school. You go there because you have a path already laid out for yourself. So while I can dream about academia and studying ancient history and linguistics all day long, this route will not bring me happiness as I don't have a path there. I've already tried dipping my toes into these waters and it didn't end well the several times I have done it.

Being an artist? Until that's a financially viable option I can't really make it work. I'm currently the primary provider of cash money for my family so if I'm ever to pursue that, it'll be way in the future. And what's the plan there exactly? Make my arts and crafts, make youtube videos about it and hope to make enough in adsense and with Patreon? While yes, that would be nice, I can't set off on that journey with the sole intention of making money. Don't get me wrong, I still want to do my arts and crafts and make videos about them because it would be neat, but it's not a viable living. And it can't be until I develop it to be, which I can't really do because I'm so worn down by the day job grind that I have nearly nothing left for my family, let alone my hobbies. And as always, for now it's all my hobbies. If it becomes my job it won't be fun anymore.

So we come back around to this: work a job that pays well and has good benefits but doesn't make my heart sing and put in the minimum required effort to sustain this job (not barely scraping by, but decent, without striving). Find meaning and fulfillment in my family, friends, and hobbies.

#work #capitalism #working parenthood #tech industry #work life balance #that illusive imaginary thing #a life well lived

[timeoverload]

I have been so angry all day and I am literally shaking still. I am trying really hard not to take it out on anyone. I think I might be a little hormonal.

I am still frustrated about what happened on Saturday but I haven't wanted to make a big deal out of it. I guess I am just supposed to wake up super early every Saturday and get ready in case you decide you want to message me. It is making me anxious now. I would appreciate to get some more notice next time because you didn't say anything until 1:30. I don't want to keep doing this and I just want to hang out now...

I wish you weren't mad at me about it because I wanted to see you too. I definitely didn't enjoy the rest of my weekend. I wish I wouldn't have had things I needed to do that day and that I had felt better. I really didn't mean to upset you or ruin your weekend. I'm sorry.

I also didn't know what I wanted to get but I think I figured it out. I want a snake on my upper right arm with some hibiscus flowers. I think I want red hibiscus flowers. I think I want to incorporate some more cherry blossoms into that or some other small flower. Flowers are kind of my thing I guess. I still haven't found any good reference pictures but I'm working on it. I'm sure whatever you come up with will look amazing as always. I know you were trying to convince me to get a koi on my arm but I want one on my leg. I am starting to get more ideas now.

I know that I had mentioned earlier last week that I needed to spend time over the weekend working on my finances because it has been bothering me a lot and I've been having nightmares about it. I am just trying to be responsible. I already got sued once last year. I didn't want to try to take out any money from my bank account over the weekend because I was waiting for my payments to clear.

I didn't have time to call the OBGYN's office today to pay my bill from a couple months ago and I owe them $200 still. I tried to pay online and it wasn't working. They closed before I got off work. I was super busy this afternoon and I got another call from a debt collector and I decided to answer it because I was already mad and having horrible anxiety about everything. I just want them to go away. The guy on the phone was super rude. They wanted money for a bill that I didn't even know I had from when I was in the hospital. I just decided to pay it even though it was over $300. I have like no savings left. I was trying to save up for a car but I knew I had a lot of bills to pay for first. I guess I didn't realize how much I owed because I'm so disorganized. Maybe I will learn this time.

There are things I need to buy right now too so I might be struggling for a while. I need to make sure I have enough in my account to cover the bills that are on auto-pay. I'm trying not to spend too much money on food at work. I know I need to have at least $100 for Friday. I hope I can also afford new glasses and take the cats to the vet next week. I won't get paid until next Friday.

I also wanted to order some things to donate but I didn't want to do that until I paid some stuff off. I am planning on doing that tonight so hopefully whatever I end up getting arrives on time. I'm not sure if I will have the energy to go to the store and it's easier for me to order things.

I didn't have a good day. It definitely felt like a Monday. I got woken up by a fox screaming outside my window. They like to hang out on the side of the house at night. I love them and I think they're adorable but they make the most unsettling noises. I went outside to get in my car for work and noticed my car door was frozen shut. I had to get a ride to work from my dad but I wasn't late thankfully. I'm glad I can rely on him when I need help. It was nice to not have to worry about parking or walking in the cold today.

When I got to work, I was the only one in the department and I didn't know where anyone was. I was trying to get my eye stuff set up when someone came running in to tell me there were priorities in decontam and they needed to be done right away. There were 6 impactor drills and those are a pain to wash and I ended up having to do it because no one else was around. I couldn't wait for someone to show up because I didn't have a lot of time to get them in the autoclave. I still had a lot of my own stuff to do but somehow I figured it out. I also set up a bunch of pans for the wrong doctor because I've been distracted and lost in my head. They can still use the pans tomorrow but I try to be accurate so I don't create more work for the techs but there's not much I can do about it now. The state showed up for a surprise inspection this morning and they are supposed to be there until Thursday. Everything is always so chaotic when they show up because the people in charge are trying to cover their asses and hide things. Everyone is so stressed out and I hate it. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because they are going to follow me and watch me work for a while and that's going to be nerve-racking. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm glad I didn't have to stay late tonight because I was on the verge of having an episode at work.

It's nice to be home now. I think I'm finally starting to calm down. I have no idea what I'm going to eat tonight but my stomach still feels like it's in knots. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the rest of the week but I will survive. I still have so much stuff to do tonight so I probably should stop writing now. I am already so tired but I am expecting to be up late tonight anyway. Hopefully tomorrow is better than I think it will be.

I hope everyone else has a lovely evening. Thanks for listening to me vent.

💖💖💖

#personal

[cheguevaraismydaddy666]

well, then i moved out and now we don't really talk anymore. she found a boyfriend who seems to love her. he was her first everything. they're dating for almost two years now i think. she deserves it. i sometimes wonder, why those things don't happen to me. my first everything manipulated me and used me for sex while i considered him my first love. well, fp at least. i wanted to talk on the phone every day. several hours. usually between 3-5 hours every evening. and every weekend i went to his place, and we'd mostly spend our time making out. i didn't notice, or, well, didn't think much of a lot of the things he did. i've never been in a real serious relationship before. and generally, boys (and men) have never really been kind to me before. i took nude pictures forn him. because he wanted them. before that, i had never really considered my body to be something that could be sexually desired. well, we talked every day. often, he would at some point pretend to be asleep. i guess my constant need for communication was indeed tiring. would've for anyone i suppose. he was also a lot of the times pretty distant. he seemed uninterested, annoyed, bored. only when the conversation took a sexual tone his attention would be back. he mostly started talking about these things on his own accord. on our third time meeting, i sleßpt with him. yep, lost my virginity. i thought that three was a good number, and also our society has foolishly made me believe that i was a weird late bloomer for still being a virging at age 16, almost 17. dumb, i know that now, but whatever. he wasn't really nice to me. he was cold and distant a lot. i had to sexualise myself in order to keep his attention. we fucked multiple times when i came ton visit him on weekends. the sex wasn't really good. he never really looked at ,me, spoke to me, anything. i might as well could've been an inanimate object. he most likely didn't even think about me. i never really liked my body. i guess that is normal for a teenage girl. there was a specific part of me, that i actually thought i could NEVER show anyone. i was ashamed of it. really ashamed. but i thought, he wouldn't care. and i guess he didn't care, because he still fucked me, but he did make fun of it. my biggest insecurity. jeih. nice guy. his family was upper middle class i'd say. there was a mom, a dad, two boys and one girl and they all lived in a nice little middle class house in a nice little middle class neighbourhood. they all went together on holiday every break and were just a regular normal nice family. i guess i didn't really fit in there. all his parents knew, was that i had met their son in a mental hospital, that i had a lot of self harm scars, that i was kinda emo, and that i was fucking their son. they never really seemed too fond of me. his mother had asked him about me, about my scars etc. he apparently told her,that i come from a junkie family, that's why i self harm, or used to. i don't know just why that should be related. also, my family is anything but perfect or supporting or loving but junkies? no, maybe a few alcoholics, but that's it. i guess to his family, i was scum from the street. i wasn't going to school anymore, i had drug problems, i was in foster care, was alternative, had tattoos and piercings and was fairly slutty. that doesn't really mesh well with their picture perfect middle class world. still, when they went on holiday to denmark, as they do every year, his mother supposedly said, i could've come along and that i can do so next year. well we never got that far. i ate dinner with his family once. i tried to be as polite as i could, but it was still awkward. because when i arrived that day, his mom said that dinner will be ready in half an hour. well, 30 mins, that's a lot of time. enough time for a quick fuck. i never, not even once, enjoyed the sex with him. it was often painful, not very loving and just overall not a nice experience. i still did it. a lot actually. he must've thought i was a nymphomaniac or something. i guess i needed him to believe that to keep him.