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mintythefreshest · 5 years

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GUYSGUYSGUYS IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW

So I recently found a post on a website written by @thatdiabolicalfeminist which describes what a lesbian experience is like before someone realizes they're a lesbian, and I just want to say THANK YOU, I needed this, it's incredibly validating to realize that I'm not lying to myself, that I'm definitely not straight and I should be proud :))

Here's the text post, since I can't find the original on their blog:

"Common experiences of lesbians who don’t know they’re lesbians yet

Out of curiosity, I recently googled “Am I lesbian quiz”. Half the “Are You a Lesbian” quizzes just asked outright, “Are you attracted to women?” as though that isn’t the very answer a questioning lesbian is trying to figure out. The other half marked me as heterosexual for things like owning more nail varnish than dogs. I hope this list will give you more nuanced ideas to think about as you explore your identity.

These experiences are all really common among - but not universal or exclusive to - people who later realize they’re lesbians and find a comfortable home in the lesbian label and community.

It’s mostly stuff that I and other lesbians I know have wished we knew when we were first coming to grips with our lesbian identities, because the fact is it takes a long time to discover how common a lot of these experiences are among lesbians, and not knowing what to look for when trying to figure out if you’re a lesbian can be hard.

‘Attraction’ to men

Deciding which guys to be attracted to – not to date, but to be attracted to – based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities

Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him

Getting jealous of a specific female friend’s relationships with guys and assuming you must be attracted to the guys she’s with (even if you never really noticed them before she was interested in them)

Picking a guy at random to be attracted to

Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it but flipping your attraction on like a switch – that’s a common lesbian thing

Having such high standards that literally no guy meets them – and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesn’t meet them

Only/mostly being into guys who are gnc in some way (losing interest when a long-haired or androgynous guy cuts off his hair or grows a beard is common)

Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with

Being deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate

Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them

Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them

Having a lot of your ‘guy’ crushes later turn out to be trans women

Relationships with men

Feeling anxious and put on the spot any time you interact with any guy who could conceivably be interested in you, even if he doesn’t make a move

Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man

Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship you’ve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man you’ve actually met in that image

Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that”

Thinking you’re commitmentphobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it

Going along with escalation because it seems like the 'appropriate time’ or bc the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally aren’t quite ready to say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.

Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the ‘comfortably settled’ part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness

Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you can’t identify

Only having online relationships with guys; preferring not to look at the guys you’re interacting with online; choosing not to meet up with a guy even if you seem very into him and he reciprocates and meeting up is totally realistic

Getting a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not really being interested in him romantically/sexually

Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends

Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals

Thinking you’re really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends don’t think you’re heartless

After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with

Worrying that you’re broken inside and unable to really love anyone

Sex with men

Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness but because you like feeling wanted

OR: preferring to 'be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore

Only being comfortable with sex with men if there’s an extreme power imbalance

Only having sex with men that’s about fulfilling their fantasies or pleasing them

Spending the whole time making sure you look or sound hot and not really thinking about what feels good

Using sex with men as a form of self-harm

Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you don’t understand that reaction and think you’re fine and that you’re crying etc for no reason)

Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it

Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him

Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing

Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to

Early interest in women

Not recognizing past/current crushes on women until you’ve come to grips with your attraction to women

Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women when you’re not that way with anyone else

Wanting to kiss your female best friend on the mouth for literally any reason (”to practice for boys” included)

Getting butterflies or feeling like you can’t get close enough when cuddling with a close female friend

Looking at a close female friend and feeling something in your chest clench up and being overwhelmed with love for her - love you may read as platonic

Having had strong and abiding feelings of admiration for a specific female teacher, actor, etc., growing up that were deep and reverent

Having had an unusually close relationship with a female friend growing up that was different and special in a way you couldn’t articulate

Thinking relationships would be simpler “if only I were attracted to women/my best friend who would be perfect for me if she/I weren’t a girl”

When a female friend is treated badly by a man, having your protective thoughts turn in the direction of “if I was him/a man I’d never do that to her/my girlfriend”

Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking they’re all ultra cool people

Having your favourite character in every show be that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (like Shego from Kim Possible or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica)

Feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable in locker rooms etc., when your female friends are less clothed than they normally would be around men, and being more careful not to look than they are

Spending a lot of time looking at women and appreciating/being curious about their bodies

Being really curious about women who defy gender roles in some way, finding defying gender roles in dress, behaviour, styling etc really appealing and cool

The 'straight’ version of you

Thinking that all straight girls feel at least some attraction to women

Thinking that your interest in seeing attractive women/scantily clad women/boobs is an artificial reaction caused by the objectification of women in media

Thinking you’re just a super intense feminist for genuinely thinking women are amazing and having an overwhelming preference for their company

Being really into how women look “aesthetically”/“just as artistic interest”/“fashion goals”

Thinking it’s objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men

Being a really intense LGBT+ “ally” and getting weirdly emotional about homophobia but assuming you’re just a Really Good Ally and v empathetic

Having like half your friend group from school turn out to be LGBT+

Getting emotional or having a strong reaction you don’t understand to f/f love stories etc.

Having had people think you were gay when you had no suspicion you were gay

Exploring attraction to women

Feeling like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you can’t imagine doing anything sexual with a woman

Feeling like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you can’t imagine having romantic feelings for a woman

Thinking you couldn’t be a lesbian because you’re not attractive enough, cool enough, or otherwise in the same league as most of the women you know

Interacting with het sex/romance in media by imagining yourself in the man’s position or just never/rarely imagining yourself in the woman’s position

Really focusing on the women in het porn

Being really into the idea of kissing/being sexual with a woman 'to turn guys on’

Being really annoyed when guys actually do express interest in watching or joining in when you do that

Only feeling/expressing attraction to or sexual interest in women when you’re inebriated or otherwise impaired

Gender Feelings

Having a lot of conflicting gender feelings that are only possible to resolve once you understand you are/can be a lesbian

Thinking that being gnc and feeling a disconnect from traditional womanhood mean that you can’t be a woman even if that’s what feels closest to right - many lesbians are gnc and many lesbians feel disconnected from traditional womanhood since it’s so bound up in heteropatriarchy

Knowing you’re attracted to women and not being able to parse that (esp + any gender nonconformance) as gay, taking a long time to figure out if you’re a straight man or a lesbian

Being dysphoric about the parts of you that make straight men think your body is owed to them, having to figure out what that dysphoria means for/to you

Wishing straight people and/or men didn’t parse you as a woman, but being totally comfortable with the idea of other women seeing you as one of them

Knowing you’re attracted to women, but feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable trying to interact with them as a straight man, and only later realizing you’re actually a trans lesbian

Knowing you’re gay, but feeling like you’re struggling against comp het stuff – discomfort, obligation, fear, disinterest, self-objectification, etc. – when you try to interact with men romantically/sexually, and only later realizing you’re a trans lesbian and not a gay man

Being nonbinary and taking a long time to sort through being able to respect/understand your nonbinary identity and your lesbianness at the same time

Considering lesbianism

Wanting to be a lesbian but feeling like if you don’t already know you are one you can’t be

Feeling alienated from all the male-gazey unrealistic depictions of lesbians as only being young thin rich white cis abled conventionally attractive gender conforming straight actresses in tv/movies/porn and thinking that alienation means you can’t be gay

Discovering that your type is gnc women or women who share your underrepresented demographic and that’s why you’re not really attracted to celebrities

Not feeling attracted to straight women but suddenly having lots of crushes when you know for sure certain women are bi/gay

Feeling guilty about wanting to be a lesbian, feeling like you’re just attention-seeking or trying to be trendy

Suppressing your lesbian dreams because you think exploring that desire would mean you’re a bad/homophobic person using lesbianness selfishly

Wishing you were a lesbian to escape the discomfort of dating men

Fantasizing about how much fun it would be to be a lesbian and just be with women/a specific woman, but thinking that can’t be for you

Worrying that some of your past attraction to men was actually real so you can’t be a lesbian

Worrying that bc you can’t be 100% sure you’re not attracted to men and can’t be 100% sure you won’t change your mind, you can’t be a lesbian

Worrying that you only want to be a lesbian because of trauma and that means your lesbianness would be Fake

Worrying that trauma-induced complications in how you experience sex (e.g., a habit of self-harming via sex w men or a fear of/lack of interest in any sex at all) mean you’re not a Real Lesbian

Every item on this list is common among Real Lesbians. It’s all Normal Lesbian Stuff. If you’re worried that you can’t be a lesbian even though it’s the life you really want for yourself, I hope this gives you permission to explore that. You are allowed to be a lesbian.

And if you’re not sure yet – if you took the time to read this entire thing because you’re curious about your identity, if you identified with a bunch of items on this list – you may or may not be a lesbian, but friend, you almost certainly aren’t cishet. Welcome.

(I’d love to hear other things lesbians wish you’d known were A Thing when you were first exploring your identity!)"

Again, this post is from @thatdiabolicalfeminist , all credit is to them

#lesbiansafe #lesbian positivity #lesbian #questioning #lgbtq #wlw #gay

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female-fogbank · 5 years

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For head canons: Garcia Flynn... bc I must.

Here we go….

Sexuality Headcanon:A lot of people have disagreed with me on this in the past. I like to think he’s Panromantic Demisexual. The gender of his partner is meaningless as he’s attracted to the person. So, whether it’s a man or woman, doesn’t matter to him. What matters is their personality, interests etc and are they compatible with his or do they spark something within him that he wants to explore.

Yes, he was married to Lorena and had Iris which presupposes he’s heterosexual, that doesn’t mean in his past he didn’t have relationships with both men and women. I think he’s far more open minded about sexuality in general as he never comments on it or judges others for their sexual predilections.

Now, I base the ‘demisexual’ aspect of his sexuality on the way Flynn acts. I think he prefers a strong bond to build sexual attraction to a person.Why? because I have no recollection of him ever having once pushed or suggested he and or any character hook up for funsies (I’m ignoring the joke in Garcy deleted scene as it was a joke, not a flirty invitation). I’ve never seen him use his sexuality to make someone bend to his will which means it’s not something he uses as a ‘tool’.

He is pretty cordial with everyone. I can’t think of a time where he’s outright leered or commented about someone being 'attractive’ or their looks being the primary focus of his attention. He’s always wanted to know people for who they are not what they project to the outside world.

Then we add in that he had a crush on Journal Lucy which he did transfer onto Lucy in S1. To be chosen by future Lucy and given her Journal; something that is a mix of personal as well as factual information, is interesting. Because he built up this bond between them in his head and he admitted that he built her up in his head.

When he realises/accepts Lucy is not the entirely the same woman in the Journal but she is still as impressive in her own way. He wants to know her, as he has the attraction to her but wants to be sure. It’s why he’s happy cruising along in the friendship zone with Lucy. He wants to know her and be sure there is something between them isn’t manufactured by the journal and that she is in the right space before making a move.

Even as I say all this, I am sure he’s more than capable of meaningless sex. He would enjoy himself to a certain extent. But I think he finds it a little empty and possibly a waste of time as it doesn’t give him the desired effect he wants. Cause you know, hormones and loneliness get the better of people. We call crave human connection at some point.

He had the perfect opportunity to get all sexed up with Emma but there wasn’t even an inkling of that kind of relationship between them in the show. He looked at her like Anthony, a necessary cog in the machine to keep things going.

Gender Headcanon: Flynn firmly identifies as a man. He/Him. In saying that, I think he’d be totally ok if he got bodyswapped into a female body. He’d be super scary when he has PMS.

A ship I have with said character:GARCY!! I could go on forever but many people before me wrote it more beautifully than I ever could. But I think what gets me is that Future Lucy chose him in 2014, gave him her journal and he falls for her, for the salvation she gave him with the Journal and then he chose Present Lucy in 1888.

There is this neverending cycle where two people are profoundly connected through time and love to one another. Maybe there are timelines they don’t end up as anything more than friends, but they still choose one another, they still love one another, they still deeply care about one another to keep the loop going to help save the world from RH and save each other.

A BROTP I have with said character:Jynn or Murdervision. Just think of them sparring, Jiya being an annoying little sister to him and him being the overprotective brother to her. They bicker and mess around, laugh and give each other support and advice. It would be a lot of fun to see them interact. I feel like they also more self aware of the world outside of the US and it’s history. That they’re not drinking the kool aid of 'America is great’….it’s more of a 'Let’s maintain history as America can do a lot of damage to world if it wanted to, we got family and friends outside US that can be affected’.

A NOTP I have with said character:Denise/Flynn given Denise is married and only into women. I prefer her sexuality not be shifted as I think her wife and family are fantastic and I want them to remain intact. It’s also a No for me, cause I feel like Denise and Flynn don’t have much sexual chemistry and thus are better as friends. They bond because of mutual respect for their experience and skills, because they are parents etc. But outside of that, Denise needs to forgive Flynn and help build the bridge between them because right now, he’s just an asset.

A random headcanon:Asher Flynn is NOT abusive, Flynn had a normal and fairly happy childhood. I don’t know why people say Asher is abusive as it makes me wonder why Flynn would bring Gabriel into a bad home if that was the case? Hence, Asher Flynn was a good father in my books.

Also Flynn is a pretty decent cook. Why? because he had a grouchy old Croatian grandmother who said he was too pretty and needed to learn how to cook because one day he’d be old and ugly with no woman to cook for him. So, she taught him how to cook.

General Opinion over said character:Flynn is my ideal fictional husband. I would want a man to love me so deeply that when I was murdered by a time travel cult, he would pick up a Journal and go on the rampage to avenge my death. I’d totally be down with him hooking up with Lucy, as I am dead and I want him to be happy. She’s smarter and hotter than me, so I can’t fault his choice.

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moremercurial · 7 years

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so what i’m about to write may be triggering for a lot of people and also it is going to be L O N G so i’m going to do one of those below the cut deals. if you feel triggered by content relating to weight and/or eating disorders, don’t read! also the things in this post are just my personal feelings about myself and do not reflect how i feel about others/how i think ANYONE should think. xxoo

So anyone here who either knows me well in real life (there are a few of you) or happen to read my personal rants relating to this that I post from time to time in times such as this (1. can’t believe i just said “time” that much, 2. “times such as this” refer to me going through a crisis when everyone i trust deeply is asleep and I NEED to get it out of my system) knows that I have a lot of issues with my body. i am fat. i am not tall and I weigh over 200 pounds and every time i think about it i want to scream.

lately i have had trouble sleeping bc there is a literal voice in my head repeating ‘you’re fat; you’re worthless” over and over and over again. I go to bed full of anxiety and remorse thinking “tomorrow is the day i eat better.” Literally EVERY Single night. And EVERY day without fail i eat something “bad” or outright binge. and the cycle repeats. i am not exaggerating.

i feel like it is because i’m weak. all it would take for me to be thin and feel desirable would just be to not eat the shit i’m eating. AND YET. I DO IT. and then i go to bed feeling angry, wake up determined, lose my resolve, eat something, then anger again. i’m so, so tired of it. i just want to have a normal relationship with food. i just want to live my life and not CONSTANTLY be thinking about food, what i’m going to eat next, how much i’m craving something.

the other thing is i’m feeling increasingly more and more self conscious around my friends. i want to take fun pictures with them but i see the pictures and literally feel ill because they’re concrete proof that i’m fat and unattractive, which sometimes when i have good makeup or am wearing a flattering outfit, i can temporarily will myself to forget.

and being around my thin friends kills me. i have a friend who is gorgeous, thin, pulls off amazing outfits yet INSISTS she’s the ugliest person to walk the earth. my friend who doesn’t work out just walks around the building on break and stays fucking skinny (i ALSO walk around the building on break but i continually get fatter??? so not the best fitness plan for me I guess). i have a friend who is a literal tall, blonde, thin goddess who constantly puts down her own body in front of me. like i get that everyone has body issues and see themselves differently than see others (it’s literally what i’m doing right now lol). but it’s things like when we’re at the gym and she’ll lift her leg up and be like “LOOK at all this cellulite it’s so disgusting” when a. it’s barely visible and b. i won’t ever wear shorts in public anymore, even to the gym bc i don’t want anyone seeing my own. she thinks she’s mortified at her cellulite and LONG faded, barely there, just-from-puberty stretch marks when she walks around in nothing but a sports bra and shorts in front of me while i probably will never let anyone see my stomach in the light again because it’s so hideously scarred from the last three years of getting fat. these aren’t ~proud tiger stripes~ on thick thighs, or from bringing a baby into the world. they never stop growing and are a constant hideous reminder of my own failure. if anyone ever wants to sleep with me again (seems unlikely at this point) i’ll be having sex in total darkness because i can’t bear to have anyone see.

this friend will say things like “i wish i could tuck my shirt into these high waisted jeans, but i need to lose 20 pounds first” like you say that in front of me about yourself........would you say that to me? if i wore a cute tee with jeans and tucked it in, would you say “sarah i can see your belly in those, untuck that right now, you need to lose 20 pounds before you can pull that off?” are you saying no girls your weight and above should be tucking their shirts in? i know she isn’t, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way.

she constantly talks about how she “forgets” to eat, or she’ll say how little she’s eaten as a low-key brag and i just want to descend straight into the earth. everyone at work constantly talks about drinking after work to cope with stress and i feel odd thinking that i never drink alone — until i realize me stuffing my face alone at night is the same concept.

just last night i was out for a fun late-night, post work dinner with her and one of our other thin, beautiful friends and after my meal i was really feelin some pie, because i know this place has good pie. so i order some (with the fucking ice cream because of course). there’s multiple spoons. i ask like three times if they want any; they shake their heads and look at eachother. conversation drops off and they just sit on their side of the booth, staring at me, while i eat the pie. i start to feel really embarrassed; like oh the entree wasn’t enough for the fat girl she just HAS to have her pie, while her two pretty friends sit in front of their unfinished plates and inwardly cluck their tongues. by the time i got halfway through i was basically choking down the pie but i was panicking inwardly and didn’t know how to handle my fear and shame and anxiety besides — surprise!!!! — eating frantically. *insert the dennis reynolds “i’m eating because i’m very uncomfortable” meme here*

yes, i realize that i was just projecting my own feelings onto this situation (please don’t fucking lecture me about that or anything else in this post, for that matter) but i still felt ashamed. sick.

i’ve struggled with bulimia on and off for years but had recently quit purging cold turkey because i didn’t want the throwing up to further damage my throat, as i’m taking singing lessons. but today i couldn’t handle it. something in me cracked. i ordered a massive amount of food from dominos, inhaled it, and then purged. I like solemnly walked to my room, put on chopin, put up my hair, and purged until i literally thought i was going to pass out. i literally still have spots of petechiae all over my face from the strain of vomiting.

i’m just so sad. i’ve been continuously putting on massive amounts of weight for 3 years and I want to scream. i get constantly lectures to “think of my health” as if i WANT to be this way. next week i’m visiting my parents who haven’t seen me since new years (when they put me on weight watchers for the third time which as you’ve probably guess i’ve COMPLETELY failed at using) and i just can’t help but think how disappointed they’ll be that i’m no thinner than I was four months ago. eating in front of them, especially my bird-thin mother, is going to be more torturous than ever. i’m ashamed to see my friends and have them look at me this way. i like wearing cute clothes because it’s like the only thing that makes me feel like i look acceptable enough to be seen in public (because beautiful blonde best friend wears sweats and mom jeans to work and looks amazing but if i, the fatgirl wore them i’d be branded a slob) so i want people to notice THAT but also desperately don’t want to be seen like this. i meticulously do my hair and makeup every day because i feel like if i can make THOSE things look good, maybe people will be fooled into thinking i’m a pretty girl.

everyone is going to see this and tell me “but even if you lose weight you’ll still be unhappy!” and probably so. but I feel so horrible. I need the weight to come off. even when i had low self esteem times in the past i was never at the point where i literally became ashamed to eat in front of friends, go outside without a sweater or shawl even in the texas heat (because god forbid anyone see my horrible tree stump arms), or even THINK about wearing anything that doesn’t completely shield my stomach from view or have an a-line waist. i’ve always thought of myself as “curvy” but now i’m literally just obese and feel nauseated every time i think about it.

i just want to crawl into a hole and do nothing but drink broth until i feel thin again. once again i’m about to go to bed feeling worthless and saying to myself “tomorrow’s the day.” please someone give me the strength to NOT EAT SHIT FOR ONE FUCKING DAY. i could literally solve this problem by NOT spending money and effort. so why do i have it. why why why.

finally, i’ll say it again, this post doesn’t reflect how i feel about other people. i do not think other fat people or people of any size are invalid or unwanted in any way. i don’t see those things when i look at them. but my already increased bad body image mixed with my friends constant comments on themselves when they KNOW they weigh 50-100 pounds less than me, mixed with my failure to sustain any kind of weight loss plan....it’s just all collapsing in on me at once. i just want to feel beautiful and wanted by someone. not beautiful “for a fat girl”, just beautiful. i want my parents not to be “worried about my health” and give me concerned looks. i just want to eat food and not have intense emotions attached to it, just eat food without thinking “this food is a Bad Food” and “i’m being good eating this” as if food has built-in morality.

i want to disappear big time. maybe tomorrow will be the day after all. maybe i’ll eat balanced meals and not carb and cheese loaded Death Plates. i can only keep hoping.

#tw eating disorder #tw weight #those are the only tags i'll put because i did warn everyone and make a cut for this and whatnot #personal #text

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braised-and-confused · 6 years

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Another blog posted this and I thought it would be fun to repost, but bold the parts that I experienced myself.

Because narcissism. Enjoy?

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Common experiences of lesbians who don’t know they’re lesbians yet

These experiences are all really common among - but not universal or exclusive to - people who later realize they’re lesbians and find a comfortable home in the lesbian label and community.

‘Attraction’ to men

Deciding which guys to be attracted to – not to date, but to be attracted to – based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities

Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him

Picking a guy at random to be attracted to

Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it but flipping your attraction on like a switch – that’s a common lesbian thing

Having such high standards that literally no guy meets them – and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesn’t meet them

Only/mostly being into guys who are gnc in some way

Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with

Being deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate

Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them

Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them

Having a lot of your ‘guy’ crushes later turn out to be trans women

Relationships with men

Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man

Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship you’ve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man you’ve actually met in that image

Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that”

Thinking you’re commitmentphobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it

Going along with escalation because it seems like the ‘appropriate time’ or bc the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally aren’t quite ready to say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.

Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the ‘comfortably settled’ part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness

Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you can’t identify

Getting a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not really being interested in him romantically/sexually

Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends

Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals (lol)

Thinking you’re really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends don’t think you’re heartless

After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with

Worrying that you’re broken inside and unable to really love anyone

Sex with men

Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness but because you like feeling wanted

OR: preferring to ‘be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore

Only being comfortable with sex with men if there’s an extreme power imbalance and your desires aren’t centred

Using sex with men as a form of self-harm

Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you don’t understand that reaction and think you’re fine and crying etc for no reason)

Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it

Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him

Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing

Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to

Early interest in women

Not recognizing past/current crushes on women until you’ve come to grips with your attraction to women

Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women when you’re not that way with anyone else (OH MY LORD THIS ONE YES)