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the-cookie-of-doom · 2 months

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Cookie's Fic Recs

I feel like no one really does rec lists anymore! But last night I was feeling and sappy and mushy and decide to put together my own little list of fics I love. These are in no particular order, and they don't follow any real theme/tropes other than I dearly love them all, and you should definitely give them a read!

*I tried to tag everyone I could find a blog for, but if I missed anyone, please let me know I can tag them!

The Instinctual Gravitation Towards Warmth by kimkhimhant (@kimkhimhant)

This is my comfort fic. No joke, this is what I read when I want to die. It’s angsty as all hell, it’s made me cry, but it is so indescribably good. Kim is an addict going through recovery, finding love and family along the way. He hits rock bottom—arguably multiple times—but always claws his way back, always with the support of the people that love him. It’s such a beautifully written and cathartic story, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read it. But it’s almost certainly the fic I’ve reread the most.

Error in the Code by BlackwaterVial (@blackwatervial)

Sneaking this VegasPete onto my otherwise KimChay list bc it altered me. I think most people already know what it is, but jic: it’s a sci-fi/cyberpunk/android AU, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever read. I go feral for androids and this fic delivers in all the best ways. The world building alone makes me weep. But all of the characters interactions, the way we get such an in depth feel for everyone despite the limited PoV, and the most satisfying take I’ve seen on android artificial intelligence ever—I can’t recommend this story enough.

Idiots & Idioms by snickerdoodlles (@snickerdoodlles)

This one is actually a series, and it's genuinely so much fun to read. For the most part it's a SocMed fic with Chay taking over Wik's twitter and making it everyone's problem, and it's fkn hysterical. This one is actually a series, and it's genuinely so much fun to read. For the most part it's a SocMed fic with Chay taking over Wik's twitter and making it everyone's problem, and it's fkn hysterical.

Silver for Truth by snickerdoodlles (@snickerdoodlles)

This fic is the Kim & Khun vs. Tawan team-up we deserve. Kim is a ruthless, demented bitch, that's too cool to beat Tawan to death bc what if he messes up his wrists right before a show?? Big, get 'im. Kim is the feral-est cat ever, leaving behind evidence and bodies for Kinn bc saying "hey bro, I still love you/look out for you" is too much emotion for him. The fic is also from Tawan's PoV which also makes it the funniest thing ever, for reason that I won't spoil <3

The Wiked Lies We Live by shubaka (@shubaka)

Oh my god, this fic. Canon divergence (technically??) where most things happen as normal... except KimChay have been bodyswaped at the start of it. The little twists Shu puts on the events of canon, given it isn't the correct characters experiencing them (such as Big being very confused about why Kim is suddenly nice to him??) are so much fun.

A Portrait of Affection by froginthesun (@froginthesun)

Kim is an artist and Chay is the part time nude model he hires. ‘Nuff said right there, except no it isn’t, this fic is beautiful. Kim’s frustration with his craft is palpable, and so is the way he rediscovers his passion through Chay. The writing is wonderfully detailed, every chapter felt like walking through a museum. And tension slowly building between them—unf.

Sunshine in My Closet by moneskin

This is an A/B/O AU that is so satisfying to read. Typical hilarious boundary violations (Chay stealing Kim’s clothes, a bewildered Kim handing over a freshly worn outfit, having barely any idea who this strange kid is) characteristic of the AU, but then the story also delves deeper into more serious topics. Chay has a history of abuse from a past alpha that he has to learn how to navigate with Kim, who is incredibly patient and works hard to make Chay feel safe and loved. Overall a very sweet and comforting read. Seriously, this fic makes me melt.

Your Body Feels Like Disrespect by Blue_Jay (@bluejayfiction)

This fic is so funny because it begins with Kim blurting out, in the middle of an Important Mafia MeetingTM, that he and Chay aren’t having sex, and then wanting to die about it. Followed by Kim’s family trying very hard to both support and terrorize him. It’s hilarious, sexy, and one of my favorite reads when I need a pick me up. (Bless Kinn’s determination to be a Good and Supportive Brother, and Vegas for being the Worst Person Ever.)

In Silent Screams (In Wildest Dreams) by BelladonnaWyck and StratsWrites

This is definitely a darker fic. There’s DubCon, Kim is generally Sketchy, but it’s very hot. And I love explorations of his character where he isn’t just outwardly psychotic and cruel. This fic shows the kind of dark that I think Kim could have been, if you just tilted his character a little to the left. He still seems very much the way he is in canon, but he’s also… a lot more calculating and cold, sometimes. I love it.

Forget-me-always by bisexualbard (@bisexualbard-writes)

I cannot sing the praises of this fic enough. I think it’s probably tied for IGTW for my most-read fics. I’ve probably read this one more often in reality, but only bc it’s shorter. But oh my god, does it hurt. Kim gets struck with amnesia post-break up, does a little light stalking, and gets Chay to help him learn/remember who he is. In the process realizes that wow his life sucks, and there’s no way he wants to go back to it. Especially if he’s the kind of person that hurt Chay. He would rather start over. (Ofc, he doesn’t get to). This fic makes me cry, it’s so good

Coffeehouse Play by AirgodSLV

This is a canon divergence AU that I adore. The KimChay characterization is on point. I love that despite everything going on around them, they also get to be two boys that hang out and play videogames and try to shove each other off the couch while Porsche makes dinner. Given the age difference it’s so easy to make Kim Older and MatureTM, but he’s still a kid, and this story never once forgets that. It felt so honest and true to his character that Kim does have a lot of plans, and he’s very smart, but he’s also still so young, and sometimes shit just goes wrong.

Want and Need by bisexualbard (@bisexualbard-writes)

God, this fic. T h i s f i c. Post-canon Chay goes to therapy and becomes a camboy (in that order) and it’s delicious. Watching the steady breakdown of his and Porsche’s relationship is so satisfying. Everything one of them does to make things worse feels awful, but is so in character that it’s hard to be mad at them for their decisions. Kim readily giving up control if it means he can be with Chay, and Chay getting a crash course in how to dom. All of it is just. So good. This is such a good fic

Your Look, Through This Lens by WildelyDawn (@wildelydawn)

AU where Chay becomes Kim’s photographer. This fic emotionally hobbled me. Just a fair warning. You will cry. But that said, the ending isn’t nearly as sad as the tags would have you believe! At least in my opinion. I think it’s fairly open/hopeful, and beautiful either way. I love the way this fic shows how Kim balances being Wik while also being part of the mafia. And I love how temperamental he is; always hot and cold, while remaining pretty even as far as how he expresses himself. Always very aloof/detached, just out of reach, with Chay never really sure where he stands/what Kim wants. But at the same time the fic happens just before Kim gets a big break, and the subtle ways he shows his excitement and nerves as things start coming together—it’s wonderful.

Love’s a Two-Way Dream by giraffeter (@giraffeter)

This fic is dark. Kim atticwife’s Chay and it’s not a good time. But!! It’s not just dark for the sake of it; Kim is a genuine sociopath, yes, but it unfolds slowly. You get a sense of creeping dread as he does things that are just a little bit off, until finally the Big Bad Thing happens. At first he seems normal, playing the part of good and respectful boyfriend. But it just goes downhill from there, and I love every word of it. The ending especially is very satisfying.

In the Dark of the Night by bisexualbard (@bisexualbard-writes)

Not to recc everything Bard writes, but… This is a rape recovery fic that I feel handles the subject matter incredibly well. There’s no gratuitous rape scenes, and even with the flashbacks, I don’t remember any of them being incredibly detailed. I think Bard handled the fic with incredible respect and grace. This is another one that’ll make you cry. The way Chay handles his past trauma while trying to have a relationship with Kim is so painfully real. And so is the way Kim wants to help him, but doesn’t really know how. But they figure it out together, and it’s amazing. (Also Kim acquires a stabby child in the form of an OC that I adore.) I just love the path Chay's recovery takes in this fic, it's so visceral and relatable. It's all around just. So good. I love this fic for the same reason I love IGTW and it's because both fics show an excellent depiction of recovery.

Chains and Crowns, A Flower Can Both Make by Sweet_William (@sweet-william-writes)

Incredibly Regency AU. Historical AUs are some of my all time favorites, and this is everything I didn’t know I needed. Sweet_William captures the essence of an Austen-esque style while still making this feel like the KinnPorsche characters. Chay is wonderfully feisty, Kim is delightfully complex, and the various family interactions always had me cackling.

Simple Little Secrets by CorvusCloudburst (@cloudburst-ink)

Chay sees the future when he touches people. Kim thinks he’s either insane, a spy, or a conman. Oh, and Chay’s visions of Kim? Always sex-related. The shenanigans are endless. What more do you need?? They’re both crazy4crazy and it’s my favorite thing ever. Their banter is snappy and fun, the writing is sexy, and it never once gave me second-hand embarrassment despite Chay’s horrible situations.

#cookie speaks #kimchay #kinnporche the series #fic rec #anyway i love all of you #I hope this makes people's days a lil brighter #<3<3<3

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vampexx · 4 years

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I have tried a few times now to write this post but I just couldnt go forward with posting it, thinking its too personal...

But...here it goes...

I have always been a painfully shy, paranoid and self conscious person so being this open is really scary for me to say the least due to my struggles with confidence and self esteem...

And drawing has been something I did for as long as I can remember...and it was something that helped me growing up...

However, ever since high school in 10th grade, I have had almost all my drive and love for drawing drained from me from comparing myself to the other, "better," students in my art class and from my own art teacher who at first, in 9th grade, started as a somewhat positive influence but then the next year being really negative and rude.

I was the student that was told, "youre not done, go back to your seat, keep working," when going to my teacher for advice. When he said this, he would only glance at my work before turning me away. All while the other students received kind, positive and constructive criticism when I did not.

He even addressed me, out loud, in front of the class, regarding my low grade, saying, "the only reason you arent failing my class is because you did your homework last night."

For context: the homework assignment was some drawing exercises...and the reason my grade was low was because, it was towards the end of the year, I had completely given up on myself and my art so I didnt turn in a project. One, because I never cared enough to finish it and two, it was an act of rebellion on my part.

That was the first and only class where I actually had an F-....I didnt even know it was possible to get that low of a grade...but trust me, it is. My math grade was never even that low.

Now, this art class was something you had to submit a portfolio for it to be reviewed so these 2 art teachers could decide if you were accepted into this art program or not. (It was exoensive too, if I remember correctly, it was like $200 per semester, and I did this for 2 years).

And against my own self consciousness, while feeling like I was far less qualified than others, I challenged my self doubt and fear of rejection and tried out anyways...

And a few weeks later, I found out I was accepted. That moment went down as one my top, most proud moments. I was proud of myself for a change.

Only for that to change a couple years later...where the little pride and confidence I had left in not only myself, but my skills in art, just dropped so low.

On top of that, my academic grades while in this art program, were also dropping considerably due to the amount of stress I put myself through trying to meet everyone elses expectations and standards.

My painting and drawing teacher (the nice one, not the rude one) would encourage my love and skill for cartooning, charcoal and shading. My digital art teacher (the one who ended up being so rude to me in the following year), helped me realize my strengths in photoshop and with a tablet. He did praise me a few times, which did help, but it didnt last very long.

My downfall was the art class that I took in 10th grade, with my previous digital art teacher, which was "figure drawing." Basically, it was learning how to draw anatomy and being anatomically correct which I found out very early on, was not my strength....and it was the whole focus of the class for the entire year so I was screwed. My strengths were cartooning and caricatures, not anywhere near anything anatomically correct. I kean, I could draw a skeleton, but when it came to human figures and poses....I dont know why but I had a tough time. So that was the year that things really went downhill fast.

It just took the fun out of drawing and turned it into something that felt too forced.

However, in my experience with this class I learned something about myself that Im actually glad that I did...

Its that art is just a hobby for me. I learned that I hate drawing on demand, in a certain time frame, and drawing what someone else wants me to draw.

I want to draw only on my own terms and at my own pace.

I couldnt see that about myself because I was too concerned with everyone else and their skills in drawing.

A few years after I quit the art program, I really didnt draw all that much aside from little doodles and unfinished sketches on the edges of my homework and class notes. I didnt like anything that I drew anymore.

And when you lose love, drive and interest in something you were once so passionate about....it leaves a gaping hole in you. It makes you feel pointless, like there nothing special about you. Nothing that sets you apart from everyone else. It really is as depressing as it sounds.

I was lost.

However. I FELT FREE. I didnt have a constant reminder from several different people that I wasnt as good. No one to make me feel lesser than someone else. No one to put me down.

As a result, my academic grades improved back to As and Bs (excluding math in the 11th grade, I had like a D).

---

And I realize now that maybe I didnt learn all of this the hard way for no reason. Maybe its to also help someone so they dont have to learn the hard way like I did. Or maybe, its to reach out to those have experienced the same or similar things as me so that they dont feel alone. So that they know that them and their skills are still very much valuable and valid.

Because everyone goes at their own pace, no two people are ever the same.

Anyone can be good at anything.

Now I didnt want this post to discourage anyone from taking or considering an art class. Please understand that my experiences are unique to myself. Art classes are actually very helpful as long as your surrounded by positive and encouraging influences.

Just remember to be careful. Respect yourself and your abilities. Be patient with yourself. Have faith in yourself, dont give up. And last, but not least, know your worth and what you deserve when it comes to treatment.

---

Anyways, so up until a couple of years ago, I slowly started to get back into drawing.

I do love to draw, along with architecture and interior/ fashion design.

Im working to rediscover myself, even though I dont want to do it professionally...

So as I did years ago, I will challenge my self doubt again and try to put myself back out there.

So as anxietal as I am, I want to ask...

Would anyone be interested in seeing something I drew?

Might be an odd question and it might sound attention seeking but Im really just testing the waters....

I will add one little doodle I did the other day just to see....

I know its not that great and thats its nothing amazing but....its something Im proud of...however small it may be.

Im not sure how I feel when it comes to reposting...

I feel like I dont want people to repost it...

In case I ever feel like taking it down...

Idk.

Anyways....Im literally shaking Im so nervous...

But...Im trying to repair some old damage.

Have a miraculous day and thank you for your patience.

Again, please dont repost. At least until Im a little more comfortable.

Thank you

#vampexx #vampexx draws

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virgorants · 4 years

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051020 - 10:27 pm

like i said thing aren't as easy as it used to be, obviously. both waking up and sleeping has been harder than ever. due to the constant reminders that improving isn't suppose to be easy, well life has been, for the lack of a better term, shit.

nevertheless, the toxic circumstances are worst due to my toxic tendencies. tonigh, i've decided to try harder in changing my ways even a little.

first, maybe i can try to accept my faith as it is. i can't really change how my surroundings work. i mean i have tried tons of times and nothing changes. maybe i could just accept this for now and work for things that are reachable for me in my current state. like my mindset and the things i tend to do. ill try to be more welcoming and open to other people in this home, and maybe i could try spending time with them. even if that's not as easy as i think.

second, i deactivated most of my accounts a while ago since i'm a little sensitive as of the moment. with that, ill try to reconnect with myself. whether it's rediscovering new skills, revisiting my passion for art, or doing what i love the most, which is studying. i enrolled myself in an online class that i have been lazy to continue, but maybe i could start over and try to enjoy that.

additionally, almost my whole life i have been into art. whether it's learning how to play different instrument, writing different short stories and poems, painting, sketching, basically anything expressive. since i was a kid, i was into those things, but things slowly changed when i got into high school. the pressure of moving forward and choosing my own path kicked in. although i did consider pursuing arts, i didn't. that is why i ended up forgetting my interest for it, and focused on my academics only.

this quarantine though, got me back into my old habbits of painting and writing. it helped me a lot in making myself busy and expressing a part of my thoughts. i guess it's a healthy way of adapting to the situation. i do still encounter roadblocks since im not easily satisfied by my works, but hopefully when i truly invested time with it, ill be able to improve myself in that field.

third, i'll revisit my interest in different types of films. damn, i just realized how much of me is now lost due to the busy day i have had. anyway, my girl's been recommending good movies that i never had the will to watch and appreciate. i can't really point out why. i just don't have the energy to do anything at all.

speaking of my girl, this brings me to my fourth point. y'all this girl. honestly, i just want the best her and whatever's beyond that, if there is. she's having a hard time during this isolation as well. i mean besides the fact that we absolutely do not see each other anymore.

i hope i find something we could bond over, and actually talk about. we have been a little distant lately since we just finished online classes. but also, our rare calls and intense laughters constantly remind us that things aren't as they were. do not get me wrong, it's not that our feelings are changing or we're growing apart. hopefully not.

it's just that things doesn't go our way most of the time. i just hope i can find more time to create more things for her and find ways to lighten up whatever baggage she is carrying. i hope i can find the time to talk about the philosophies we believe in and how our pasts are. there's so much time in this world, and i hope i can spend it getting to know her deeper.

i hope time would allow us to do that. i guess my point is. i hope i learn how to not mess things up.

i guess that's all. i have nothing much to say anything anymore. maybe i can come up with more things to do. more than that, i hope i can do these things easily, instead of forcing myself to do it just for the sake of functioning.

for tonight, i'll rest. i'll sleep and i'll dream. maybe tomorrow will be different for me. i hope it will be.

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sxyurii · 5 years

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Hey, I've been your follower for years now and recently I've been through a breakup and I saw your post about it and I feel really sad I don't know how to move on and I just wanted to ask could u give some tips 😢❤❤❤ Love you and your blog so much!!! Sending you much love

Omg hi angel!!! 💕 im really sorry to hear that :( It sucks but we gonna get thru this baby

This will be a long post but also for anyone whos going thru a breakup rn, I'll type out everything that I wish someone told me before 😂

HOW TO WIN A BREAKUP

Ok so im gonna put shit that I know from expierence and as a psychology major so we have some gold hacks here on getting over a breakup 😏 First, I've personally had like quiete few breakups and honestly that FIRST ONE is ALWAYS the worst. If this is ur first breakup im rly sorry but its gonna suck for a while LMAO just remember that first one is the most painful but once you get over it its like antidote for life. No breakup will hurt that much as far as I know. Now lets start. U broke up youre sad, alone, crying, now what?

1. Call your friends. ALL OF THEM. I always felt my breakups before they happened and with this recent one I summoned all of my friends and they were all there with me before and after it happened. Venting helps and emotional support will be the first thing here. You are very vulnerable and sensitive right now and your emotions are all over the place probably. You're sad, angry, confused you wanna kill him all of that shit and having people there with who you can let out all those emotions is SO SO SO important i cant stress it enough. Dont bottle emotions D O N T its tempting but its toxic as fuck and it prolongs the healing. Buy junk food, have girls night, cry to your friends and talk about it until you don't feel need to anymore, cry more. Use all emotional support u can get, ur girls got u. BONUS TIP therapy helps alot. Ive been to therapy to help me sort my emotions out and its been super helpful. Remember also friends arent therapists, sometimes a professional help to guide thru emotions is the good choice too.

2. DELETE EVERYTHING you have that reminds you on them. I personally dont have hard time with it I know some people do but its also one of the most toxic things. Delete the pictures, chats, unfollow them block them even if u have to, mute, delete the songs that remind u of them. Literally erase their existence from your life. Due our brain not knowing difference between someone breaking up w us and someone dying pain we feel is intense and gets to point we feel physical pain. Memories trigger emotional responses and keep opening the wound. You need to heal. Patch it and let it heal. Dont poke it by seeing still things that remind u of them.

3. dO NOT STALK THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA. DONT DONT DONT. ITS LIKE DRINKING POISON EXPECTING THEM TO DIE??? What you could possibly find that will make u feel better??? Them posting that they miss you and want u back??? Nah sis, social media presence of people is so biased and its SO EASY to fake anything. You can misinterpret alot and you might also see stuff that will hurt u. Some of my exes (idk abt this last one tho bc I never stalked his social media since we broke up and im super proud on it) would post stuff that they know would hurt me or make me jealous or just some shady shit and you dont want to go in a place where u know someone just wants to hurt u. You are better than that. Protect your mental peace at all costs.

4. Journal. With this recent breakup I wrote like alot about it, i took my emotions and wrote paaaages. Let it all out. Draw abt it. Find ways to turn your pain in art.

5. DONT TEXT YOUR EX. CUT THEM OFF. its the best for you. You cant heal in a place you got hurt. If you wanna text them handle phone to ur best friend. I know whenever you are alone u will feel so lonely but trust me better call your friend than hit up ur ex LMAO We all still think we want our ex back even some time after breakup. We tend to idealize our exes in our heads and remember only the good times and stuff and then its just painful illusion. I know i did that alot with my exes so with this last one i decided to prevent it. Best way for that was to make a list of all the things he did that would hurt me, make me sad or mad and that i just didnt like abt him. Whenever I would feel im thinking I miss him I would read that list and see he wasnt so good and there was a reason that relationship ended. It will come to point u will see you werent happy and you will be slowly letting it go. He aint shit trust me.

6. Usually it takes 3 weeks for the worst symptoms of breakup to subdue bc our neurotransmitters need to balance again. Love is a drug and breakup is like withdrawal from cocaine addiction. Your body and mind will go through symptoms same as cocaine addict. Remember to be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. I know for me issue was I would be like "get over it" and not allow myself to be hurt abt it. Be kind, you are going though huge emotional trauma and you deserve all the time and space to be hurt and feel it. Feelings are like visitors, you just have to accept them with out resistance and let them pass. Acceptance is the key.

7. Focus on yourself. You were so used on putting effort and energy into that person. Take all of that energy and put it back in YOU. Be selfish. Treat yourself. Date yourself. Write things you love about yourself. Rediscover your passions. Focus on school. On your beauty. dYE UR HAIR DO A TATTOO DO UR NAILS DO A FACEMASK PLAY SONGS SINGING HOW EXES AINT SHIT Fall in love with yourself. This is something that you will be ready to do when you processed all the emotions in healthy way.

8. Idk did i forget something but just to add this. "This too shall pass". You will heal. You will mend. Never close your heart to love again. You deserve love and one day you will have it. Dont let your pain make you push love away. Breakups are extremely good for self growth and be grateful for it because trust me you will grow so much and you will learn so much about yourself.

I hope I helped at least a bit 💕 I keep feeling like I forgot something but know that you and anyone can always hit me up in DMs and ask for help. Im always open to help anyone and dont hold back. Im sending you so much love honey 💖💖💖💖💖

#breakup #long post

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irlnoladarling · 5 years

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My therapist is suggesting that i create a dialogue-like pain journaling format that may or may not be read by others. If anything, an open discussion with myself as if I was talking with a close friend who had four hours to listen to me spill my heart out over what’s been weighing on it the heaviest. So i think it’s high time I talk about the breakup. From the top.

I was in a relationship for almost four years with one of the most beautiful people i’ve ever known. Everything was so amazing in the first two years.

then we broke up because he needed to rediscover himself. he was heavily using drugs and could not deal with the shame of having to face me about himself, his demons, and who he was.

He wrote an open letter when his head finally cleared that i went back and reread on his tumblr tonight. And to this day every single word still resonates loudly. In a nutshell, it went something like:

“I have found peace with myself. I am finally in love with myself. I know you don’t want to understand and you don’t have to want to understand. I am not the same man you fell in love with. I hope you find peace from the ways I’ve shook you. Thank you for everything”

Every word sounded so similar to the words of the new letter he wrote me. But this time it was different. Inferring both his meaning and my own, it went something like:

“I haven’t been a good partner to you. I am rapidly going through changes that you can’t have access to. I haven’t been making you a priority and we have been behaving more as friends than lovers. It’s been this way for a while. I still love you and hope that we can be friends one day. Thank you for everything.”

I don’t mean to make it sound so short, because it was more thought-out and detailed than that. I had my own shortcomings in this, one of which was my other very catastrophic relationship with another person that caused a huge strain to various breaking points with my ex.

Everything about this breakup is so painful. So unbearably heartwrenching that it’s been one of my main focal points of my depression. In my own effort to make sense of everything, I have been replaying these letters over and over in my head, rereading. I have had nothing but nightmares about him and dreams of him magically coming back and us starting from scratch again. At this stage of my pain, I would probably do any little thing to get back to the way we were - to be happy with him again.

I am realizing that I am not only carrying the heartache of this breakup, but the heartache of the breakup with my other ex, as well as the first breakup with this ex. I haven’t fully processed the last two, so I am holding three heartaches in one. It’s like continuously being buried under a foot of dirt, so here I am; three feet deep.

In order to truly let go, I need to understand myself in this situation. So, because I want to be free and start digging myself out, I have to examine my attachments.

1. He was my first love in a while. Everything about him was so breathtaking that I don’t think I experienced that hard of a head-over-heels type of affection in a long time. We were both so young. He was still in sr year of high school and I was heading into college. We had time to fawn over each other every hour of every day. When he was in his deepest pain, I was there to comfort him. We were alike in so many ways, even in appearance. I wanted it to last forever, and I convinced myself that it would. The day that I met him in person - well, I still don’t think I’ll ever experience that type of magic again in my life.

2. He helped me in my lowest moments. He gave me the comfort and strength that I needed and reminded me of who I was. Reminded me of why I was worthy of love by such a unique person.

3. He was my anchor. He was the only constant in my life. Everyone else came and went but I could rely on him to be there for me, consistently. If I messaged him, I knew he would answer, and he would soothe everything and make it alright. If I needed a fallback, it was him.

4. The pact we made. if we eventually decided to be monogamous, then we agreed it would be with each other. We had unknowingly made each other our primary partners, after years of swearing that we did not practice polyamory in that way. It felt good to be loved so much, so hard. We had plans for a family, a home together. He had the means of support - I wanted to get out of my hometown. It was a perfect situation.

5. We were best friends. And I felt like that would outshine everything. I am still to this day wondering if I decided not to be friends with him because i felt as though he knew he had outgrown me, or he truly would never become the friend I was looking for.

6. He gave me a family. His mother and father adored me, and always supported me. One christmas they gave me 200 dollars towards my rent month. They worried about me, provided me a home to stay in. In many ways, I felt like I fucked up in gaining and maintaining a second, almost better family.

There are more reasons, but for now, these are the heaviest. And because of these reasons, I prioritized him over anything, everyone - even the people I forged other relationships with. He was paramount over any other bond I made. And he did the exact same thing in many situations. When he reached back out to me after our first breakup, I was so flattered at the fact that he told the person he was seeing at the time - “i don’t care about how you feel because t and I are getting back together, and I’m meeting her for the first time in a couple weeks.”

To admit that to myself, finally, is huge. Everyone else could leave - as long as he stayed. And he would validate me and I would feel like I had been rewarded because I had done great. And he felt the same.

At that point I thought we were inseparable. We always told each other that “out of all the people in my life journey, I’m glad it’s you. I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are the one constant.” And at the time, it filled my heart with so much happiness. To be a constant in someone’s life. To dedicate my life to being a constant. What a concept. This heightened prioritization, through trips, skype dates. It was all I could have ever wanted from him.

A major battle that has upended my entire identity from this ordeal is the fact that I keep trying to see it from his eyes. And in his eyes, I wasn’t keeping up with him - couldn’t keep up with him. I was still stuck in 2015 while he was constantly advancing. He dropped me because I was dead weight, and I was hindering his growth. And whether that is or isn’t true, that has been haunting me for months.

It’s the core of the reason why i feel like I haven’t been growing. He had been advancing so much, taking on all these deals, meeting with people to further the cause of things that were important to him, doing HUGE things, and I wasn’t doing much more than supporting him. I’m not doing any of that. I feel like im not doing anything to further my own growth.

I am taking time off from school. I have no more passion, no more vision. I am comfortable. I haven’t stepped out of my comfort zone in months.

And in the process (facebook isn’t helping) I keep wondering, would it be different if I would have stayed in school? Been more present in activism? Maintained my weight? Discontinued my toxic relationship at the first sign of a red flag? Would you have still wanted me if I had done any of this?

I look back on myself and try and dredge up the parts of me that I felt like he fell in love with. I don’t even remember that version of myself. Was I thinner? More ambitious? Did I care more about the things he cared about?

And if in his eyes I wasn’t growing like he was, am I even growing at all?

At the same time, it felt like everything he was doing was more important than me. At some point, he didn’t want to grow with me anymore, or have me by his side. And that not only makes me angry, but is a big part of my heartbreak. And I am still trying to figure out if it’s me that was is the biggest contribution to that thought, or him. Or some combination of both.

I’ve reached the end of this and I actually feel better now. It took me a couple hours, but I feel really cathartic, so I think i’ll end it here. It’s the first bit of relief since the whole ordeal happened, and I actually feel lighter, so I think i’m getting somewhere.

I’ll try and write more later.

#talk tag #keeping this to look back on #when i finally heal from the pain

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fae-fucker · 6 years

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hey! from one writer to another, i'd like to ask some advice you may or may not be able to give. ive finally found the courage to post some writing (although i am not at all overwhelmingly proud of it. anyway)... What advice would u possibly give a writer who's feeling like their work is Eh, at best, and Bleh at worst? have you ever had like, tons of projects and you just werent sure what to focus on, what to pour all of your heart into?? have you ever just... not felt passionate? im stuck! @~@

Bruh I struggle with this every day.

(Also this is my book blog and I have a writing blog over here where I sometimes respond to people asking for tips and mostly post about personal projects.)

I’m gonna try to give you advice, but seeing as I’m really in no place to give any, feel free to ignore everything I say.

What advice would u possibly give a writer who’s feeling like their work is Eh, at best, and Bleh at worst?

Read some terrible, terrible books. This might sound and look petty, and who cares if it is, but this honestly helps me a lot.

No matter how good you are, there will always be someone out there who’s better. But. This also means that no matter how bad you are, there will always be someone out there who’s worse. Look for good books when you need #goals and inspiration. Look for bad books when you need to feel good about yourself and educate yourself on what not to do.

People say “don’t compare yourself to others”, but we all do it anyway, so you might as well get something useful out of it.

Writing is art, and art is subjective. Some books that are critically acclaimed and loved by fans I think are pure and utter garbage. Some books that people consider to be bad I think are amazing. That applies to your writing as well.

As for how to feel good about your own writing, regardless of what others think:

I think it’s one of those fundamental artist things that you can’t really avoid. If you think your art is amazing, you won’t improve, so self-criticism is good.

But on the other hand, feeling like everything you make is crap can kill your need to create as well as any outside criticism can. You have to find a middle ground where you feel like you can do better, bu what you have isn’t terrible either.

I don’t have tips on how to find this mysterious balance, sadly. I struggle with it myself.

What helps me when I feel terrible about my writing is having a few friends read it and tell you what they feel. It might not be the most nuanced and honest criticism, but that tiny bit of encouragement can go a long way and give you enough positive reinforcement to continue writing.

have you ever had like, tons of projects and you just werent sure what to focus on, what to pour all of your heart into??

Absolutely! I used to have this a lot back in the day, where I’d have dozens of ongoing and inevitably abandoned projects clogging up my brain.

I don’t have this problem quite as much anymore, because I’ve developed this technique that kills off any ideas that don’t hold my interest enough to become a good project I feel passionate about, kinda like natural selection (except not at all, I don’t know science).

I don’t know if this will work for anybody else (in fact, it definitely won’t, because some people need to actively and purposefully keep working on ideas to like them more), but I used to be a chronic plot bunny chaser and now I’m a skilled sniper, killing only the juciest prey.

Basically, when you get a new idea: Don’t start writing it.

Just don’t. Write down the basic concept if you don’t want to forget it (I do this all the time), but don’t start writing the story. Let it sit there in your head, let it stew in your brain juice. We tend to get attached and excited about new ideas becaue they’re … new and exciting, duh. But once they become “old” and boring, we give up and go look for something else that interests us.

This basically does that for you without you having to waste time writing it and feeling disappointed later. If you notice yourself thinking less and less of your idea, then it’s not something that would’ve held your attention for long anyway. If you notice one idea coming back to you over and over and over and you just can’t stop thinking about it: that’s the one. That’s the golden nug.

Once you find it you’ll know that this is the one you want to spend time with. Write a couple of chapters, see where how you feel about it, but try not to figure it out all at once, because then it’ll become boring again and you’ll lose interest.

This process usually takes months for me. It’s long, but it pays off in the end. My new idea has taken me that much to cement itself, and I still don’t know everything, but I know enough to know that I want to find out more about it.

Find a thing that interests you a lot and you know you’d love to explore, but leave yourself some room for development and discovery so you don’t get bored.

You want a project to pour all of your heart into, but how many hearts do you have? Just one, presumably. This is gonna sound cheesy, but logically, you can’t pour all of your heart into every project you have, at least not all at once.

This is just my #deep way of saying that focusing on a few projects can help make them better. You want to make one or two things that are amazing instead of seven that are meh, right?

Pick one or two or even three, and alternate between those when one of them gets boring. It’s ok to let things rest and let yourself miss the project and rediscover your love for it.

have you ever just… not felt passionate?

Yep! With my #brainweirds, I feel passionate once in a blood moon.

What keeps me going?

I have no idea. I have a story and I want to share it. These characters torment me every day and I want them to torment someone else for a change.

What keeps my motivation going is also the fact that there are people out there actually waiting for me to finish my book so they can read it. Find someone like that, it’s actually not super hard becaue the interner is a perfect place to find people who like stuff that you like. You only need a couple of cheerleaders to get yourself back on track.

And it’s ok to take a break. You don’t have to feel passionate all the time, and you definitely won’t even if you tried to. Do small projects. Do a low-effort fanfic. Or don’t do anything at all!

But you’re asking what to do to feel passionate and how to keep going, and I honestly don’t know the secret to that, even though I’ve seemingly unlocked it.

I think you should just pack your stories full of things you like. Tropes, ideas, concepts, worlds, characters. Fill this thing with things you love and want to see more of, and you’ll notice how it pulls you back in because you just like it so much and you want to see it come true and share it with others.

I have shamelessly made a post with all my personal tropes and it’s silly, but it’s what I write and what I gravitate towards, and I have a bunch of people interested in my work already. Not because I’m awesome, but because one will always find an audience, and if you love something a lot, there will be someone out there who will love it too. No matter how “eh” or “bleh” you think it is.

I hope this helped! Good luck!

#poti0nseller #writing advice #long post

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