#i think I’ve just kind of outgrown this friend group which is really sad but also like…i can’t just sit here and watch this go down | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

klaineownsmysoul · 3 years

Note

I just can't believe that there are people who still believe every single word a public figure/celebrity says, most of the time they LIE. Did C lie about some fans harassing his bf? I have no clue, but if someone was indeed harassing him, that is just not correct. There are crazy fans in every fandom. If people still believe every post or tweet is posted personally by the celebrity, they are just naive and gullible. I don't believe in CC, but that's just my opinion. I do believe D is closeted and just because he posts something or says something nice about someone doesn't mean he actually thinks that, it is most likely PR, just like the unnecessary refurbishment of RR's house. People should wake up and not believe everything they see on the internet. Side note: I couldn't even get mad at yesterday's show because everything is just so ridiculous and bad-acted that it's funny.

At this point, if you aren't side-eyeing basically everything that comes out of Hollywood, you are just willfully ignorant. Its all calculated to a specific end and they don't think twice about contradicting their past selves if it serves a current narrative. Case in point: C saying towards the end of glee that he had no idea who D was when he joined the show when there's a whole interview of him talking about seeing D in AVPM way back when. Like season 2 back when. That's just a blatantly obvious, easily disproved and stupid lie. With regards to this podcast mess - I haven't listened to it and I wasn't on tumblr for most of glee's run so I wasn't really privy to a lot of the goings on that happened bts. Can I believe that there were people who crossed the line of fandom and behaved like assholes? Yes, definitely because it still happens. That kind of behavior is not exclusive to the glee fandom. You will find people like that everywhere. Whether or not they did exactly what he said they did - only he knows that for sure. Its a weird thing to bring up now 6 years after the show has ended as it effectively (and unfairly) paints a bullseye on a specific group. I'm not sure what he was hoping to achieve with this. The CC people that I've interacted with here are lovely and would never in a million years even think of things that horrible. Keep your thoughts and opinions to your own little blog and you don't tag the person in your post - its as simple as that. Who are these nobodies who have that much power that they think they can get a complete stranger fired? If they did indeed behave this way, then that is appalling, completely batshit crazy, and unacceptable - they need professional help. Its not funny, its scary. There's no need for that ever. At the end of the day, its his life and what he does with it and who he spends it with is his business. There's a pretty simple solution if you don't like the person anymore or don't like what they are doing: you can simply stop following them. You don't need to engage in some sort of bizarre smear campaign that has real world implications. Remember all those toxic twitter teens who were ready to draw and quarter D a few months back over that nearly 10 year old pic of him or a comment just as old? The awful things they said about him, the nonstop tagging of him and the flooding of every one of his SM posts with their bullshit? The "you're dead to me if you choose to remain a fan of his" ultimatums? I do! That's the kind of stuff that drives celebs away from SM and ruins it for the rest of us that know how to behave. You're creating an issue where there wasn't one and that's sort of what C did here with his comments.

From my point of view, the issue with C and D's SOs isn't so much that they are with other people, but more to the kind of people they seem to be. I don't know much frankly about W. He's not shoved in my face 24 hours a day and a hovering annoying presence at everything C does. You'll find more pics of C solo or with AF than you will with W. That's why he bothers me less and why D takes more criticism on this. But from what I've heard about him, he's said and posted some pretty awful things in the past and if people choose to not like him because of that, that seems valid to me. As fans, we can only judge celebs by what they say and do and our perception of them - its all we have. My dislike of M is not because she's with D and I'm a super jealous old spinster. And its not because I'm a self hating misogynist. Its because of the way she clings to D and his career while doing nothing on her own, the way she uses him for her own selfish purposes, and the hypocritical way she claimed to not to want to be in the public eye but yet shadows D at every event he goes to because it means cameras and photos and recognition as his wife. That tacky awful commercialized wedding was the last straw for me because I haven't been able to hold my tongue since. And if you follow someone long enough, you can get a pretty good idea of when they're being genuine and when they're bullshitting you or in D's case, when its him posting something and when its a member of his team. For example: where he supposedly proposed. By lying about it - either then or now - you've created a mess that didn't previously exist. Its a fairly simple straightforward statement that most people get right the first time: where they asked their SO to marry them. D says Japan, RR says D called him saying he wanted to do it when he was outside a bathroom in Miami. So the answer is either a) D b) RR c) none of the above. I'm going to go with c, thanks. Unless RR is going to come back and say that D decided to ask her in Miami but then waited until they were physically in Japan to do the asking, I'm going to go with neither of you are right and the reason D blew off the question every time he was asked about it by saying he didn't want to bore us is that you hadn't come up with a good enough and believable story yet. Much like the engagement ring that hadn't been locked down until RR could find a designer willing to make a ring with a diamond big enough to soothe her ego and give off the pretense of being legit. He probably put more effort into that than anything in D's career in the last 5 years. Do I think that RR did help D at one point when he was starting out with gigs, jobs, things like that? Sure. No problem. And maybe they were friends and liked to hang out and jam together. But do I also think that D has outgrown him personally and professionally at this point? Hell fucking yes. He needs a grown up to take his career to the next level and RR is not that person. He completely failed to capitalize on all the awards and well deserved hype D got from ACS and for that alone, he should have been fired. He needs someone who wants to do the work because they understand the rare find they have in D and that their job is to promote him, not themselves. The IOU ep was nothing but a self serving hour of D trying to make RR look and sound like he's not a complete waste of space on top of getting a cut of his fee as his manager. If you look at D's page on the very sad H/yphenate website, you will see the 3 biggest roles D's had are not listed. No Blaine. No Hedwig. No ACS. But oddly enough, a mention of his record deal with Columbia, which I thought went kaput ages ago and his hosting of the Teen Choice Awards in 2013. You know - the big times. Why? I'm going to assume its because he got those roles without RR's help so he doesn't want them there and what does that tell you? It should tell you everything. This is why your manager should be your manager and your friends should be your friends. Its like a parent who wants to be their

child's friend instead of the authority figure they need.

Too much of D's SM has the look and feel of pr and useless ads and just flat out nonsense and that falls squarely under RR's domain. He's a 34 year old man with an established career, not a 21 year old newbie just starting out but his SM doesn't reflect that in any way, shape, or form. The sooner D can cut his losses and break free, the better off his career will be, the more adult he will sound, and the happier I will be.

61 notes · View notes

nightswithkookmin · 3 years

Note

What you think of fetus V who said in front of everyone "You seem to really like men" to Jimin? Youthful ribbing? Or a moment of insensitivity ? FWI saying you like girls or guys? Or calling close same sex friends u a couple? is actually common where am from. This has happened in my friend circle too actually. Except all of us are hets so no one take it seriously. Cant think a closeted person would find it that funny. Jimins lack of denial or even laughing it off always stood out to me tho.

What do I think of that comment?

I think we both know very often when people say they think a man likes men, they mean to say they think that man is Gay and very often when the g-word is used in a sentence, it is not meant as a compliment- imma give it to you straight, no bs. Lol.

The parlance gay and variations of it, in my opinion, is often used ubiquitously and traditionally as a slur slang among ignorant, non-progressive, anti homosexual individuals and is often rooted in malice.

And when malice isn't intended, ridicule is. The sad fact is, people adopt the terminology as ammunition to blatantly attack, dehumanize, belittle and strip away the dignity of queer folks and when the term is used in reference to non queer people it has a similar effect. It degrades them as well through the irony and humor of comparing them to gay people.

Gay jokes, if you will, is a subtle art of passive aggressively slurring gay folks if you think about it. I mean let's be honest.

Personally, I don't think Tae's intentions in that moment were malicious at all. I don't think he blurted out those words with the intension to ridicule Jimin either- stay with me. It will make sense in a bit.

But he called Jimin gay nevertheless. His comment if a joke, I'm afraid, reinforces these bizzare stereotypes of masculinity and promotes toxic rhetorics prevalent especially within Kpop shipping communities where every Male idol interaction is hyper sexualised and romanticized thus, suggesting a man cannot love another man, be affectionate or be fond of them unless they secretly lusted after them and harbored a desire to lay down pipes in their behinds- which, honestly is crazy coming from a guy with a cultural background such as the Korean culture where kinship is commonplace but more on that later.

I think whatever which way we want to look at it, it was an insensitive comment especially if you believe he meant it as a joke. It was definitely not his most woke moment, socially and culturally- and that's putting it lightly.

That 'gay' comment to me is right up there with all the problematic statements some, if not all, of the members have made over the years- the colorism, racist jokes, the ' eww, you too black,' 'akekeke- you too tanned shoo,' implying if you're black or tanned you are ugly. The fat jokes, the misogyny and misogynior- please don't ask me to give you examples of these. I don't want to ruin BTS for you. Lol.

There are commentaries on these out there on the internet. You can look it up for yourselves- You welcome. Lol.

For the record, BTS have since retracted, acknowledged and apologized for most of these questionable moments throughout the years and so we cannot hold it against them, forever- not to make excuses for them but they are human too. They learn, they unlearn, they make mistakes, they correct them, they grow and as NamJoon said, they really were a bit 'unsophisticated' and rough around the edges in their earlier years- even if it was just five years ago from now, chilee. They is a mess. Lmho.

I think it's all part of the human process honestly- don't worry BTS, I have a lot of space in my heart for y'all to be human and still love ya. Keep going sweeties. Y'all's doing greatness de la grande kind!! Bless y'all.

In V's case he was, since that incident, put as a judge on a show that allegedly featured queer folks and he seemed more welcoming of them than the other judges on the panel, excluding RM of course.

A year later, he would make a song that the LBGTQ plus fraction of Army would rally behind as a highly pro gay song- Stigma, which I find debatable but whatever. I mean, just because JK has stars, clouds and the sky in his lyrics don't make him an astronaut or an environmentalist fighting the good cause for the climate but to each his own.

Stigma was still something, I'll give him that.

Flashforward to five years later, and he would be recommending songs by gay artists, appreciating and promoting gay art and the artists behind them, sporting rainbow outfits, designing a BT21 character that is genderless, incorporating sign language in his speeches- he polished up. Woke the hell up. Politically correct. Yadda yadda yadda.

I think, like some of the others, he too learned his lesson. It's not ok to trivialize the oppression of others or make light of it-

Now that we've gotten the woke bit out of the way, on to our shipping business. Follow me, chop chop. Lol.

Firt of all, I don't think that moment is a big deal. But I find it interesting nonetheless.

Do I think Tae was teasing Jimin in that moment when he made that statement? It's not quite easy as yes or no.

Personally, I think he was clocking him.

This interview was conducted at a point in the timeline where I feel Jimin was shedding his image as the Maknae obsessed hyung in the group. He was coming into his own and embracing himself for who he is and that I think included his sexuality.

Prior to, he had in my opinion, since debut, slipped into the role of the queer jest of the group supplying queer humor and entertainment for listeners at radio shows by offering himself up for ridicule as the 'gay guy' within the group- I hated every bit of it. Lol.

You'd often hear the members refer to him as the one good with the guys, the boy in love with the Maknae- There is still a fraction of Army that see him as this persona but he has since outgrown that label and that phase.

RM was basically the Black jest of the group, offering himself up for ridicule for his darker skin tone right down to his blaccent. Can you do your black accent? They will ask him at interviews and he would proceed to deliver a walmart version of the Black American English. Sigh.

Compared to the previous year where he literally gasped and panicked when the members hinted at his sexuality or made statements that put his sexuality into question, Jimin seemed more in control and mentally prepared during this interview.

When the question was asked of him, the question of why he liked JK, his instincts it seemed was to steer the conversation away from his sexuality- a tactic the rest of the members would employ to avoid discussing Jikook a few months from that interview...

I mean, when Tae asked Jimin on JK's birthday that same year what he wanted to give JK, RM cut in before JM answered. Jimin had done the same thing when in an interview JK was asked if Jimin wasn't his style and JK was stuttering not knowing what to say in response. JM asked him not to answer the question.

When interviewers ask these questions, they do so for entertainment purposes- because who doesn't like gay jokes, amirite?

For heterosexual idols I assume it's not slippery slope for them to engage in these kinds of humor. They can play gay without risking exposing their heterosexuality and when they do play gay it's for jest.

It's not the same for queer idols I think.

Jimin was basically done being the butt of the gay jokes in 2015, he was done selling himself as the JK shit rainbows and I'm the unicorn fixated on him kinda person and it reflected in that conversation.

'I don't like everything about this boy. He ain't all that. But he is the Maknae and he cute so whatever' lol.

Like I said, I think Jimin was steering the conversation away from his sexuality but Tae's comment steered the conversation right back to it. 'I just think he likes men.'

Most South Koreans I've met in person and on the internet spend a considerable amount of time and energy trying to dispel the western notion of gayness projected on to Korean men for their skinship culture.

We like to glamorize gayness in these streets but in reality gay is stigmatized especially in places like South Korea. People don't readily read gay in Male interactions unless they were being homophobic or socially unaware.

To me, Tae's statement was more of an observation about Jimin, one which he felt a need to contribute to the discussion they were having, perhaps to provide insight into the inner workings of Jimin rather than as a joke or jest- or may be he did both.

Jimin managed to avoid opening himself up for the gay jokes and to this Tae then responded, I just think you is gay sir- The emphasis has been mine. Lol.

The thing about Tae is, in the earlier days he used to have a habit of 'exposing' Jimin whenever Jimin told half truths and what not.

For example, in 2014 during an interview when JM was asked what he wanted to do on his free days he had said he wanted to spend time with his family or something and Tae immediately checked him saying he was lying. Jimin then said he wanted to be with Jungkook which had JK fuming.

Was he teasing JM when he called him out for lying about his true desires? May be but I think he meant it too. Know what I mean?

He did the same thing when during their Paris VLive, Jimin got nervous when JK was singing 'know you love me boy, so that I love you,' in the background and Tae asked Jimin if he was nervous. Jimin snapped out of whatever whipped trance he was in and asked 'why would I be nervous' or something along those lines.

Why would Tae assume JM was nervous listening to another man sing? And why would Jimin be nervous in the first place?

And if at an interview Jimin is asked, why don't you like listening to the Maknae sing and JM responded that he is cute but he can't sing and Tae says well I think listening to Jk sing makes him nervous- would that be youthful ribbing or tea? Do you see where I'm going with this?

I see Tae as very observant- If not more observant than Jk. Their jokes are punchier because it is rooted in truth. He is stating his opinion, his observations and when he felt JM's answers were dishonest or inconsistent of his general notion of him, he called him out on that.

It's like him saying JM likes to pretend to be drunk in order to tell Tae he loves him- allegedly. Was it funny, yes. Was it a lie? I don't think so.

Jimin likes to pretend, we been knew. His boyfriend don spilled that tea already. I mean Jk said JM faked being asleep when he noticed the cameras filming him. He said also JM knows he is cute so sometimes he intentionally acts cute.

Tae used to tease Jimin a lot- hell he still teases him a lot to this day. Lol. Had Jimin looking at the back of his head like he wanted to quick punch him in the throat in the recent run, chilee. Lmho.

But you gotta ask, where is the lie in all those jokes?

The question I ask myself, and I think we ought to ask ourselves as shippers is, what about Jimin gave Tae that impression of him in the first place?

What made Tae, coming from a culture and background where 'gay' is a taboo and skinship is prevalent assume that if Jimin liked JK then it was because he liked men or was gay?

Even if Tae meant it as a Joke- no one laughed. Lol. That awkward silence that ensued... now that's how you know he had deadass made a 'gay comment' for real. Lmho.

They were all silent, waiting for JM's response and only laughed when JM responded to Tae- isn't that how it usually goes when you are the one queer person at the het dinner table? The tasteless jokes, awkward silences and stares? Just me? Oh, never mind then. Keep reading. Lol.

Imagine if JM hadn't responded or had gay panicked like he did a year before that interview, when RM revealed JK had been sneaking into JM's bed at night?

Dude was legit ready to throw JK under the bus had it not been for the shady camera guy behind the cameras. Deadass, Jimin was pointing accusing fingers at JK and everything- so much for gay love. Lmho.

The question still remains, what makes you look at your heterosexual friend and go- hey, that's gay. Think about it.

If Tae thought Jimin liked men, even as a joke, it's probably because Jimin had been giving him a reason or reasons to believe he actually liked boys beyond the usual daily doze of gay prevalent within K-culture.

It's similar to JK feeling uncomfortable when Jimin in 2014 described their relationship as one between love and friendship. Jimin responding with male friends can love eachother too without being gay would imply JK was interpreting his words and actions towards him as laced with romantic and sexual subtext or intent.

Now why would JK assume this if men touching men and feeling up on eachother in their culture was a normal thing?

There are gay men in Korea you know?

Tae and Kook were both hyper aware and curious of Jimin's sexuality in that period- for different reasons of course. In my opinion.

Not sure if Jimin's androgynous features played a role in these suspicions and assumptions they had of him in the early days because androgynousity in men is often ignorantly profiled and stereotyped as queer.

Tae seemed convinced JM was queer at least and JK was projecting his own queerness on to Jimin a lot- cough, cough.

It seemed to me also that Tae for whatever reason had the impression JM had a thing for him? I'll save my VMin agenda for delulu Fridays but chilee I don't know, Jimin has been on an agenda to friendzone that man since those manly mans thawed off his chest. Lol.

VMIN... ok.

I mean Jimin's response to Tae was more to deflate Tae's ego than to deflect or evade the issue and I wonder why. 'You are so full of yourself' 'I may like men, but I don't like you' and Tae responds with 'really' as if he's been challenged or dared- ever had your straight friends assume you like them just because you are queer?

Anywho, for whatever reason, Jimin seemed to be the only member in the group around the early days whose words and actions were put through the queer litmus test.

Also, I think a distinction ought to be made between calling two same sex friends a couple and calling them gay.

Calling two friends a couple is inconsequential- except when their sexuality is on the line. Calling two same sex friends you know are straight a couple is nothing but a gay joke.

BTS do this all the time. Jimin called Namjin a couple, Tae kook a couple, himself and Suga a couple, himself and JK a couple.

Jk has equally referred to others within the group as a couple, made heart signs above them, and have even held his chest and said he never thought he would fall for a guy.

In none of these instances did he or any of them imply that they or the persons they were referring to were queer or liked men and I wouldn't make much of such comments.

When JK was called out for gifting a present to Jimin and not the others, Tae teased JK as well and his gestures implied to me, 'it's ok to like him, I know you like him, you like JM don't you, uWu' and other variations of these.

But he in no way hinted at the sexuality of JK explicitly or implicitly- not in a way that prompts a response or rebuttal from JK like it did in Jimin's case.

I guess what I'm saying is that, that moment is nothing but something at the same time. You look at Tae's personality and his reputation within the group as the one with no filter who blurts out things that often has BTS running helter skelter- that 'I want to see your children" comment at Festa almost gave RM an aneurysm. Lmho.

Then they had to literally take his mic away from him when he started talking about meeting a pretty chick or something at a fansigns.

You consider the history between him and Jimin, the context behind that comment and the things that was said after that comment- the interviewer said 'well JK is really handsome...' which means he took the 'joke' Tae had made to mean JM had romantic interest in JK- something I feel JM was trying to avoid.

I don't think Tae meant anything by it. I don't think he knew at the time JM was queer but I do believe he suspected he was.

Hope this helps,

Signed,

GOLDY

72 notes · View notes

hansols-yoda-boxers · 3 years

Note

yessss i get so happy when people recognize how attractive woozi is!! so many people write him off because he's short which is horrible. let's be real, if he was taller everyone and their mama would be thirsting over his body because he's ripped and has wide ass shoulders. i for one am happy he's short and i would be just as happy if he wasn't. who the fuck cares jesus christ. it's not like you can change your height. it's not like how tall you are has a link to how nice you are or whether you help old ladies cross the street. it's genetics we can't change so why is everyone so hung up on it. i also hate when everyone pushes the cute label in his face because it's so obviously linked to the fact that he's short. like yeah he has his cute moments, but he's a grown man leave him alone. let him rest. i'd be pissed if every moment of every day everybody was calling me cute and dismissing my authority. he's my bias because i love his personality. i'm also the type of person who finds inteligence, ambition and emotional openness to be incredibly attractive. that's what drew me in. then i realized how insanely talented he was and that i'm really into his humor. and on top of that you have his very unique visual, that i can't place in any visual category. and boom, that's my guy. he's hot and you're all just scared because he isn't the tallest. stop it, get some help. and when you've let go of your toxic beliefs, come seek us big brained people. we might forgive you for your sins. sincerely, a jihoon lover who's over it

Okay I have many thoughts so let me try and organize them lmao.

So the short and cute things go hand in hand. Now I know the fandom didn’t just decide he’s cute one day. To be completely fair he was typecast as “the small cute one” by the company upon debut. It’s a thing they do to make it easier to get into the group. Some of the stereotypes are super easy to recognize. Seungcheol is the leader and “Dad” of the group, Jeonghan is the mom, Seokmin is a the sunshine member who’s always happy, Soonyoung as the hyper one, Seungkwan is the sassy one, Chan is the maknae on top, and so on. Some of these stuck around but of course ones like Minghao being the “cool cutie” were going to be easily outgrown as the group matured. And they’ve addressed it themselves. Wonwoo saying that he likes getting chances to share his thoughts and feelings. Seungkwan pointing out that because Mingyu is deemed a visual by the company is role is essentially “shut up and look pretty” even though he actually has a lot to say but doesn’t get to talk or speak his mind nearly as much as Seungkwan.

So when new fans in particular see him as cute it doesn’t surprise me. I mean they push it even to these days, using his cutest moments and adding little squeaky sound effects here and there in Going SVT to reinforce that he’s the cute one. It doesn’t surprise me that that’s the first thing people say. Heck the first video my friend every showed me of him was the oppaya aegyo. And I like cute so I ended up looking up more about him lol.

All of that being said, I think most of us have been in the fandom long enough to know that he is more than that. I do get a bit sad when the only thing people say about him is that he’s cute because he is all the other things you said. I mean I won’t comment on the muscles because they scare me I don’t really care about physical body with my sexuality (nor, I should point out, am I actually attracted to any idol. Like I can say Jihoon is good looking but I’m not sexually attracted to him or any other idol). But he is very smart, and kind, and really loving when he’s close to people. The whole team loves him to bits and he loves them and it really shows. He pours his whole heart and soul into this team and cares about it with everything he has and that’s probably my fav thing about him. So leaving it at “cute” 100% sucks (tho he is far from the only member that suffers from this).

(I also get sad when people call them all talented and leave it at that without acknowledging hard work but I have a whole other rant on the “talent wall” but like ultimately I think he’s talented but I find the fact that he’s super hard working wayyyyyyy more cool and interesting than just talent.)

I don’t know though if I agree that people overlook him just because he’s short. Now maybe they totally do and I just hang out with the right people who don’t say shit like that, but what I’ve found about biases is that they choose you. You walk in blindly and one or more of them just drag you into their lane lol. I have a handful of tall girl friends and I do know that there can be a level of teasing and insecurity can arise from your height. And I feel like short boys have it just as bad, if not worse with the way people are about masculinity. Buuuuuut I don’t know how much that affects bias? I mean unless your biases are just “this is who I would date/fuck” which is... a really strange concept to me personally tbh. So I like your enthusiasm on the whole thing, though I’m not sure I feel the same about where it all stems from.

As for biases, every fandom has their favs. It’s a sad thing about being a fic writer that if I take a good idea and give it to a less popular member it will get overlooked point blank. Seventeen has it’s most popular, overall the hhu but particularly Wonwoo and Mingyu. I love them, don’t get me wrong, but like more than half the carats I know Wonwoo and/or Mingyu is the top of their bias list. They are both wonderful, but it does mean that when I write things for them it’ll get way more attention than for the others. As for Jihoon, he isn’t the most popular but he isn’t the least popular either. He sits in the middle ground a lot of the time. I wish they were all even and everyone loved them all equally but alas.

I am really glad that in the last couple years they have been breaking out of their roles here and there. Moments like Soonyoung’s Hit the Road episode really stand out to me and just his general insistence that he’s introverted and shy even though a lot of people don’t believe it and think who he is on stage is who he is irl (which, sidenote, I loved that he talked about performance headspace and stuff cuz it’s such a cool thing hehe). I know everyone will always have their favs and it’s all good, I do too even if I wanna even out my writing so they all get equal attention but I hope that them showing us more of themselves allows us to see them all more complexly.

In the end, I love the spirit, but I won’t be condemning anyone lol. Adn let’s not get into the topic of sin. I try to keep that off this blog sakdjlajsldka

#i hope this comes off okay #and not like negative #just trying to diffuse but also express where i agree #discourse #lmao jihoon discourse #this is so long idk why any of you would read it but i guess if you like my rambling?#i dont think anyone likes my rambling lsakjdlaksjld #anon

18 notes · View notes

purelafemme · 4 years

Text

Mid 2020 reflections

The older I grow, the more important I realize it is to extend myself grace, and to practice patience. All the pieces of my life will come together. This pandemic has taught me to be still.

A few days ago I woke up in a grumpy mood. Over the last few months, some days will go by and I will feel fine. Others, not too hot. Recently, I decided to practice a tip from one of the former therapists. I took the time to “check in” with myself and pinpoint all the reasons I was feeling so out of tune.

A big reason for this “out-of-tuneness” is coming from my job. I don’t feel as connected and engaged to my work, as I would imagine it would be if we were in the office. Its difficult for me to focus and relax in my room. All my life I have struggled with performance anxiety, which has become heightened due to my experience in the AEA program. Teleworking has blurred the lines between my home life and my work life, making it difficult for my brain to separate the two. Also, I feel cramped and restricted due to the lack of independence and freedom I am experiencing living in my parents house. I miss my freedom and independence of living in my own apartment. I’m going to stay here until January to try and save more money (at least $8,000). Just like I felt with Morgan back in fall of 2017, I can feel that I have outgrown living in my parents house and living in Baltimore. It’s time for a new beginning and a fresh start. I don’t want the pandemic to prevent me from pushing back my plans further, or allow it to cause time to get away from me. It’s important that I take this step towards moving out for me.

A second reason propelling my dismay comes from a realization that I had realized over the past weekend. I have a strong tendency to over give in a lot of the relationships I have. I went out of my way to plan something to do with my estranged friendship group from middle school, and I am not too pleased with how it went. In Boston, I didn’t have many friends nor did I engage in many social activities. One of the reasons I wanted to return back to this area is so I could hang out with my friends and resume social activities again. Earlier this summer, I started putting a lot of energy into hanging out and doing things with and for my friends. But after these two-three years of me being away, I’ve realized that some of my friend groups/dynamics are not the same. Honestly, I feel like a big part of the reason why I started hanging out a lot with my friends is because since my love life is not going the way that I want it to, I want to keep people around me a lot to avoid feeling lonely, to mask the loneliness. But I want to shed those feelings and really take the time to get into myself. One of the reasons I delayed grad school was because I really wanted to take space for myself to develop myself (Develop myself spiritually, mentally--develop my fashion, my interests, my personality, knowledge). This has made me realize that I want and need to feel more comfortable being alone, which is another reason why I think living alone would be good for my personal growth. Additionally, even though things didn't work out the way I intended them to with my partner earlier this Spring, that situation has finally taught me, after 24 years of age (8 years of dating), how I deserve to be treated and what qualities I want in a partner. Given this, I think I need to now branch out and truly get comfortable with being alone. Over the last couple of years, I have struggled with being alone and I realized that I will go run to go hang out with people to avoid that feeling, or I will spend my time being alone and wishing I laid up with a nigga. I want to truly embrace the idea of just truly being alone, and being happy and content.

Sometimes I experience a weird sadness about me not following through with my previous academic plans, which causes me to feel like im a funk. I went to research conference today where my peers who have continued with their academic plans were present, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge bit of sad that I didn't continue mine. This month would have been the month I would be starting my PhD program if everything had went as planned. Although I realized this was not right for me, I am still kind of bummed in a weird way about it. I worked exceedingly hard and invested a lot of time and energy into this goal, and now that things haven't gone as planned and I have seemingly abandoned my PhD dreams, I feel a weird sense of sadness about it. I may be still interested in research, but honestly, I am not sure. From doing the AEA program twice, witnessing the AEA Climate Survey, surviving the Harvard program, and reading Claudia’s blog post, I feel kind an overwhelming sense of jadedness by this whole thing-- and now I cannot seem to make up my mind about an exact alternative career path or graduate degree. All I know is that I would really like to have a concrete plan once this job is over, because I am not getting any younger and I want to have security when it comes to my career goals by the time I approach my mid thirties.

Now that I have just written a list of reasons why I am in a funk because I am not where I wanna be, I want to take just as much time to reflect on all the reasons why I am proud of myself. I am very proud of myself for landing my current job opportunity. It took me over six months of applying to land my current position, and there was several times over the course of those months where I was bogged down with anxiety and self-doubt crept it! Literally the day I got the offer, I was laying in bed CRYING because it was April and my program was going to end in May and I hadn't secured a reasonable opportunity yet. My God is good, and he for sure came right on time. Of course, there are some days where my performance anxiety at work is on high, but really in those moments need to take a step back and praise him for granting me the opportunity to get a job in my field, with a nice salary, with nice people and meaningful, clear growth opportunities. I am so grateful, and I need to acknowledge this more as well as congratulate myself for this. Even though things didn’t go as planned with the whole PhD thing, I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be in my life, and that is a beautiful thing. I am proud of where I am, and I know this opportunity will give me the tools to make the best career decision for me moving forward. I am claiming it now. Honestly, this is my first time since I graduated undergrad where I feel like I can breathe.

I am also proud of myself for giving myself the space to develop ME for ME. There is so much other parts of life and myself that I want to explore, and now that I am no longer suffocated by the pressures of academia, I am excited to dive in ! I recently hired a trainer, and started my own business! Being in grad school is a huge educational investment that comes at a cost. The stress of that program didn't leave time for me to dedicate to other parts of my life, which I realized I did not like. My twenties are my formative years. So yeah, it does suck to have invested so much time in doing all those things to be a perfect PhD applicant and then to not even apply to PhD programs lol, but I am soo proud of myself for listening to my gut, taking a step out on faith and choosing a different direction! It wasn't an easy decision at first, but I am excited about where this side business will take me, and I am happy that this will be a chance for me to explore my artistic side more! I have always had this side to myself, but never fully dived into it because of the lack of time and resources. So I am proud of using this space and time to unlock a new side of myself. I also think there will be a lot of personal growth opportunities that will come from being a small business owner, which I have confidence I can tackle and that it will make me more mature, and help develop sounder financial practices ! :)

I am super proud of myself for taking charge of my health!!! My weight is something I have always struggled with since elementary school. I was never particularly fat, but I was never as skinny as people like my sister and my cousins. From a young age, I internalized a sense of being uncomfortable with my body, which has followed me into adulthood. However it wasn't until the later half of high school when I started to develop some health problems as a result of my poor diet and lifestyle habits. My period has been irregular since 2012-2013, which I am sure was triggered by the anxiety I faced from switching schools, eating predominantly restaurant food from working at Charlestown, and having a poor sleeping schedule. After four years or random, scattered periods, I got diagnosed with PCOS in 2016. In 2017 I turned 21. I started drinking alcohol a lot more, causing me that fall to weigh in at my biggest size ever--over 180 pounds. Since the middle of high school, my weight had always been in the 160-170s range. That spring, I was able to get serious about diet and exercise and shed some pounds due to my leave from school. However, over the past two years in the Harvard program, I have not been able to manage my weight properly, causing me to explode to the biggest size I have ever been--195.. And im not sure what’s going on with my hormone production now, but I know my gut is a hot mess. (This spring I just got diagnosed with IBS.) Since the pandemic started, I have tried to work out consistently and eat a balanced diet. However over the last five months I have not seen many changes in my body which has been disappointing. This week on impulse, I made the decision to hire a trainer-- this is going to be the first step towards making some serious lifestyle changes for me and I am excited to get into the best physical shape I have ever been in! Regardless of the number on the scale, I really want to do this for the improvement of my overall health. I want to develop a healthier relationship with food (stop binge eating/seeking food as comfort) and I also want to train myself to not only eat out of boredom, or because food is available. I know developing this habits will help me develop more discipline! Also, I think our bodies as humans are capable of so much, and I really want to treat my body good so I can get the best use out of it ! I want to learn how to swim, I want to build endurance and start running, I want to be able to sustain my own body weight, and become proficient at aerial yoga! Also, sometime in the future I want to have kids and before this happens I want to already be in shape and be in the position to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. Being a mother is one of my biggest aspirations in my life ! I am hoping that this change to my lifestyle will support better hormonal health and regulate my menstrual cycle, which would actually help me get pregnant easier in the future. I am also tired of having all these stomach problems (indigestion, acid reflux, constipation, etc)--clearly something inside of me is inflamed and thats why I am having these issues. Overall, I am very proud of myself in taking these actions and I am excited to see how my body will look, how I will feel, and in what ways I can grow mentally and financially with my business !

One last reason why I am proud of myself is because I have been making small strides to become more money conscious. However, I know I can definitely improve in this area over the next couple of months, and it is important that I tackle this since I have my first real job, (plus a side business) and I want to live on my own. I have always struggled with managing my personal finances, so I am excited to learn tips and develop practices that will help me be smarter with my money. This is also very important to me because one day I would like to have a family, and I want to be able to provide for them. So it is important that I take the steps now to ensure that I am living below my means, and that I can set myself up to be financially comfortable and not cash strapped.

I was inspired to write this post because I woke up one day in a sour mood about my current circumstances and the fact that I am seemingly not where I want to be and I felt down about it. But then I woke up the next day and realized how much I really had to be grateful for, and how proud I am of myself for all that I have accomplished throughout my life even with various obstacles I have encountered. God truly has favored me. Even through this crisis, God has found ways to bless me and I have taken actions to better myself. For that I am super thankful for. There are people that have lost their life and their livelihoods in 2020, but for some reason God still choose me to protect, and to take me to the next level. So I want to take this time to publicly thank him for all that he has done on the inside! Instead of focusing on the all the areas of my life that I am not too satisfied with, I vow to constantly cultivate a heart, mind and spirit full of gratitude and praise.

Other short term goals I want to accomplish

- Join a church home/integrate other practices into my life to develop my relationship with him in addition to keeping the prayer journal (reading the bible, starting a gratitude book)

- Take better care of my hair: be more consistent with protective styles, trims, and deep conditioning!

- Read more books (I have watched too much TV this year lol) I especially want to read more books written by Black women and the experience of Black women!

-Try new hobbies (in addition to swimming, I want to go horseback riding, etc)

#2020reflections personalgrowth blessings

1 note · View note

jetlagthoughts · 2 years

Text

Thoughts on energy and friendships

A few weeks ago a very good friend came to visit us from Manitoba, she's older and someone that I truly do look up to.

she was very shocked how I keep some friendships going because the wave length isn't the same. I'm just very loyal I guess and the time spent with some means a lot to me, however I do cut people off when it really does come down to that.

Two really close friends have been in the hospital due to mental health issues. which I understand. But lately it is really upsetting me, there is no ... fight? it's a sorrow, sad, let me just lay down and take it kind of thing. speaking to my friend Alba, she repeated something that kinda stuck with me, that our friends are and will be the reflection of us. So who we surround ourselves with is who we are or what we become.

if you want to be successful then your friend group will be about making moves, NO not everyone will have their shit together but the drive will be there the fight. if you want to keep a health relationship you wouldn't constantly hang around a couple whom is always fighting, yelling at each other etc.

I know one of the friendships I've outgrown, everyone around me says she's not in a good place and doesn't treat me how a best friend should. however L and I have been friends for what seems like forever. however I do notice the tread, she doesn't treat me like she does other friends because "we just know eachother so well” she isn't someone i can call on and talk to, i wouldn't take relationship advice from her, nor would I when it comes to mainly anything because she doesn't have any aspect of her life together, and doesn't seem to even want it. she lives in drama and although she says she doesn't like it want it, or anything she loves it, why else would you keep going back into situations that cause it KNOWINGLY.

I want more friends that I can call friends, friends to check in on me, to hang out with, to say hey was thinking of you lets go for coffee, friends that call and text with out my having to do it first. not going to say i don't have those as I do have amazing friends back in Manitoba (Alex & Lea-Anne and Alba & Jenni) They are 100% my biggest supporters through everything, be it our shitty luck, advice, starting a business. they are always there cheering and supporting and I'd love to have a bit more of that.

in other news on tiktok I've been following someone I thought was familiar which turns out she is, we both remember each other from our younger days in our family church. she is a pastors daughter and I am an evangelist daughter, our churches were connected and i had a crazy crush on her when younger. we've connected and its nice to know that there is someone that basically walked the same walk, got out of the cult, and found her own queer voice. it's so empowering and I'm hopefully able to stay in contact with her as she seems really chill. successful, black, femme, lesbian, spiritual and has a kid, the friendship package is all there.

I'm working on my self, my fight for life, success, marriage, finding who i am sexually and spiritually. I will achieve all i set out to.

#jetlagthoughts #vibes #thoughts #friendships

0 notes

raflovestuffs · 6 years

Text

That is who you are: Chapter 9

First l Previous l Next

Heyyy guys!!

As you know, @whosthatgal is translating my fic and she just finished this chapter! (I love it so much in english <3)

I know it’s been a long time but this chapter is serioulsy one of my favourite! Remember the comic @leffie-draws-fanart drew a while ago for me?

This scene is on this chapter in a flashback! So hope you’ll like it!

Tell me what think in your reblogs, comments, that’s very important to me! We’re approaching the end... Only three more chapters to come!

Enjoy your reading!

I could still hear Drago’s sinister laughter echoing throughout the castle as his men led me to my new cell. The dungeon was hidden deep in the fortress, and we walked down long, straight hallways that were dark and infested with all manner of rats and insects. The men marched quickly, and their pace was hard on my metal leg; it hurt, and I fell several times, having to pick myself up again while they looked on in amusement, sometimes tripping me again.

“Come on, move it,” “What are you waiting for? Get up!” they said to me.

Once I saw through their little game, I realized it that these words and actions were only the beginning of what was waiting for me. We finally arrived at the prison; they pushed me inside, ordering me to take off all my clothes except my pants. I complied wordlessly, and more men came to pick up my discarded clothing. Still others entered the cell, approaching me with long metal chains.

“Wait…what are you doing?” I asked.

“You’re our prisoner,” one of the men declared. “We can do whatever we want to you.”

Two men seized me by the wrists and fastened them into shackles, which they suspended from the walls by a hook. They finished by shackling my feet together. I found myself with my arms stretched tight, my feet barely touching the floor and my body tensed, at the mercy of my captors. I lifted my head with difficulty to face them; there were six total, and I was alone.

One of them approached me, smiling viciously, and slapped me—three times—before stepping back.

“That’ll teach you not to disrespect the Master, filthy vermin! This isn’t your turf—Drago is in charge here! And nobody resists the Master here!” he shouted, addressing me with a fresh blow to the head.

Then he turned back toward the group, beckoning them closer.

“I think we’re going to have a great time with this one, boys,” he said.

He turned back towards me, closing in this time with a baton in his hand.

“So, Chief of Berk…” he asked, “How’s it feel to find yourself here with us? Are you scared?”

“Scared of you?” I replied. “Never.”

In reality the opposite was true: I was terrified. I wasn’t like Astrid—she was strong. I was weak. I had no idea what they might subject me to. They were allies of Drago… and Drago was unpredictable.

They all laughed, and the man drew his face close to mine, his expression demented.

“We’ll see about that, filthy one-legged boy!” he said, landing a blow right at the stump of my leg.

While the old injury hurt a little even at the best of times, the kick reawakened a kind of pain I thought I’d outgrown a long time ago. Seeing my reaction, he struck me again and again in the same place. Every muscle in my body contracted with each new brutality, and I gritted my teeth.

“What’s the dragon master got to say for himself now? Huh, weakling? You’re nothing without your Night Fury!” he practically spit.

I fixed him with dark eyes, saying nothing. I wasn’t about to enter back into his little game.

“Ah, what’s going on? Not answering anymore? You want some more, is that it?”

He hit me over the head several times with the baton, and my vision started to blur.

“You understand that? Huh? Answer me!” he shouted.

When I still didn’t react, he continued.

“You’re lucky, you know that? Drago doesn’t lend his castle to everybody. Did you have a nice time, you and your whore wife?” he mocked.

“Don’t you talk about her!” I protested, struggling in vain to fight back.

He nodded to one of his men, who moved behind me with something in his hands. The first man looked at me defiantly, a smile at the corner of his mouth.

“Ah, so that’s how we get you to react? What we’re putting you through is nothing compared to what we do to some of our prisoners. Not to say that we wouldn’t be happy to do more, mind you—believe me, we would if we could—but like I’ve been telling you for the last hour, Drago’s the chief here, and he ordered us not to wreck you up too badly.”

I struggled to move as best I could, but there was nothing I could do, chained up as I was. I settled for staring daggers at the man in front of me.

“But as long as Drago’s not here…” he said with a smile, “we can do what we want.”

And then the pain hit me—the lash of a whip against my back—and I let a cry escape my mouth.

“One!” the man shouted.

The man behind me had given me a single, violent lash, this time to my upper back. I hardly had time to catch my breath before he struck a second blow.

“Ah!” I moaned, clenching my teeth.

“Two!” the men chanted, the whole group at once.

A third blow fell, then a fourth and a fifth and a sixth, and so on, all the way to the tenth lash. I screamed. The pain was unbearable, and I could feel the sting of my damaged skin something fierce. I had spit blood, and there was more dripping from my back onto the floor, its odour filling the cell.

“Ten!” the men shouted.

“So, what do you say? Shall we keep going?” the leader asked me.

Just then we heard heavy footsteps. An imposing shadow approached the dungeon, and we heard a deep voice curse furiously.

“What’s going on here?” Drago asked, addressing his men.

“We’re teaching this one a little lesson in respecting the Master,” the leader answered.

Drago entered the cell and strode towards me, lifting my head. He examined me, then asked, “I dare to hope this little encounter might’ve changed your mind. You don’t look too beaten up, just as I asked. You’ll be back on your feet in no time—or rather, your foot,” he said, laughing. “Guards! Untie him—that will do for today.” He left without glancing back at me.

His men obeyed, and undid the shackles around my hands and feet. I fell heavily to the floor, with no strength left to hold myself up. The men left me that way in the prison.

“Rest up,” the leader called.

I stayed there on the ground, unable to move, the pain these barbaric men had inflicted on me still fresh. But despite all that, all my thoughts went back to Astrid. I still didn’t know what happened to her, and I hoped against hope that she’d been able to escape unseen. It didn’t look like there was anybody but me in this dungeon. Astrid was strong—surely she’d been able to escape. I couldn’t even entertain the possibility that these men had hurt her. I loved her too much. I was overflowing with love for her, unconditionally, and I knew she returned it, in every sense of the word. And to think that at nineteen, we’d still doubted our feelings for one another…Today, I couldn’t let her go.

We’d had a hard time admitting our feelings, even though we were both surrounded by the evidence of them—we were more than just friends…

It was just after Heather left. I was sad to see Astrid to lose her—they were really good friends now, and I could see that it was all affecting Astrid. I caught her attention:

“Hey, I know you guys got pretty close…I’m sorry you’re losing a friend.”

She grabbed me by the shoulder, placing her other hand on my chest.

“But…I still have you,” she said, smiling.

I smiled back, and we turned our attention to the sky, where we could still see Heather’s dragon heading off toward new horizons. I threw an arm around her waist, and our heads leaned towards each other. Astrid rested her head on my shoulder.

“You think she’ll come back?”

I pulled her towards me, holding her in my arms, and stroked her back in reassurance.

“This whole story with Dagur has her upset, but eventually she’ll be able to accept the truth. And when she has, she’ll be back. I’m sure of that.”

She looked up and smiled at me. We detached ourselves from each other, and she ran a hand through her hair. She did that when she was self-conscious.

“Come on, let’s go inside,” I suggested.

She followed me, and we continued our conversation on the way back.

“So you two had a good time together?” I asked. “What did you do?”

“She showed me how to use her double-ended axe, and we practiced axe-throwing! And we talked a lot too.”

“Oh man! You should’ve seen Ruff’s face when you said you were going to have ‘girl time’ and left without her!”

I lifted my head. Astrid seemed nervous.

“What is it?”

“Hiccup… uh… about that… Heather asked me if… if we were together. The two of us.”

My eyes widened in surprise. I hadn’t expected her to tell me what exactly they’d talked about—much less that it would be, well, that.

“And what did you…?”

“I said we were just friends, because…well, that’s what we are…friends, right?”

My heart was beating much faster than it should have. I was disconcerted. Were we just friends?

“Yeah, of course,” I replied, uncertain of my answer.

She went through the motions of smiling, but I got the feeling she was disappointed. I gave her the same embarrassed smile, and we continued on toward our respective huts without addressing it. Once we arrived, as we were about to part ways, I tried to make up for it.

“Hey,” I said, one hand on her shoulder guard, “if you’re ever feeling alone, I’m not far away, okay?”

She put a hand on my shoulder too. “Okay,” she said, smiling.

I returned the smile, and steered myself towards my hut, heart pounding—then glanced behind me to see if Astrid was looking at me. She was.

The weeks passed, and Astrid and I hadn’t talked about the two of us since Heather’s departure. The weeks were already busy, between my flight tests, training an adolescent Speedstinger and the temporary separation of Snotlout and his dragon… and that’s where I was faced with a new problem.

“I said no, Snotlout.”

“But Hiccup, we need to go to Berk!” he protested.

“But we were there just last week! What do you still need?”

“I need…things…It’s none of your business! I just need them, that’s all,” he said, crossing his arms.

“Okay, so it’s still a no,” I declared.

He’d put me in a bad mood. I closed the book I’d been trying to read and headed for the exit, but Snotlout was still at it.

“Come on, Hiccup, please?”

“Snotlout, I said no, so that means no!” I said, annoyed. “Will you let it go?”

I tried to be on my way, but Fishlegs approached me, all out of breath.

“Ah! Hiccup! We absolutely have to go to Berk! I’m right on the verge of making an amazing discovery with the Dragon Eye! But I can’t translate a few of the symbols, and the book I need is still on Berk, so…”

“Are you sure it’s absolutely necessary, Fishlegs?” I cut in.

“Really, Hiccup?” Fishlegs said, indignant.

“Hiccup!” a voice cried in the distance.

It was Ruffnut, accompanied by Tuffnut, who she seemed to be helping walk. Tuff seemed hurt, and Chicken, who was following them close behind, didn’t look so good either.

“Hiccup! Tuffnut’s sick! He and his chicken are getting totally crazy!”

“Ruff, what do you mean by ‘crazy?’” I asked, a little amused.

“Don’t worry, sis, I’m fine—” Tuff ended his sentence in a sneeze.

I looked at her, perplexed. “I don’t see what the big deal is—looks like he’s just caught a cold. Get him some rest, and he should be fine, okay?”

Tuffnut suddenly dropped to the floor, grovelling and sniffling.

“And the chicken! Where’s the chicken? Who took my chicken? Chicken is mine, she’s nothing without me!”

Then he stood up, facing me, ready to throw a punch.

“Was it you who took her? You filthy chicken thief! Bring her back to me right away!” Tuffnut yelled.

I took a few steps back, and Snotlout and Fishlegs stepped in to hold Tuff back. I sighed.

“Fine, okay, he’s sick,” I admitted.

“Hiccup! You’ve gotta come see what’s—wait, what’s going on here?” Astrid said.

“Let me go!” Tuffnut shouted.

“Chicken is right there, Tuff!” Ruffnut assured him, to no avail.

I turned toward Astrid.

“What? Oh, you want to go to Berk too? Okay, fine! You guys win! But it’ll be without me!” I said.

I left, heading in the direction of my hut. I had other things to do.

I was sitting in front of my worktable, surrounded by discarded sketches. I was checking the calculations on my latest invention, making sure they were right, when I heard footsteps approaching behind me. I turned my head—it was Astrid. I plunged back into my sketches.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, surprised.

She came up to the table and stood next to me, arms crossed.

“Well, I stayed behind to keep you company,” she grinned, visibly amused.

“What?”

“Nothing, just bugging you. You should’ve seen yourself earlier, trying to wrangle those four back at the clubhouse—it was hilarious,” she said. “What are you working on that’s so important you wanted to stay behind all by yourself?”

“I’m working on a project…” I said, my voice small.

“What kind of project?” she said, glancing over my shoulder as she placed a hand on it. “If you say ‘dragonfly three,’ I’ll…”

“Well, actually…” I stammered.

“Hiccup, you’ve got to be kidding me!” she groaned. “You know full well what I think about that.”

“But…the second flight test was a success,” I countered.

“Great! So leave it that way!” she exclaimed.

“No, but wait! The Dragonfly Three is a total innovation! The Dragonfly Two worked great, but it wasn’t that practical, and it was too heavy—but this one, the one I’ve just invented—Astrid, it’s an actual flightsuit!”

“A flight…suit,” she asked, stunned.

“Yeah,” I replied, “but I’ll need somebody by my side while I test it…”

“Me?” she asked, amused.

“If you want,” I answered.

“But why do you need me? You already have Toothless.”

“Well, you can’t be too careful.”

“Alright, fine, let’s try this thing,” she grinned. “But you’d better hurry up and do it before I change my mind.”

I didn’t need to be told twice; I left to go change. I put on the flightsuit, the one I’d spent entire nights working on. Putting it on was difficult, but once I was inside it, I’d never felt more at ease. I went back out to meet Astrid, fully dressed in my new invention.

“Ta-da!” I said, holding out my arms.

Astrid’s expression was a little odd. She was looking at me strangely, surveying me up and down, and I thought I saw her blush a little.

“Wow, it looks really…um…tight…”

“Yep, that’s on purpose, to make it more aerodynamic, and…well, never mind, let’s go test it!”

We left the clubhouse to go find our dragons. The stables were empty, and it felt strange; it wasn’t often that Astrid and I found ourselves alone, just the two of us. We each called our respective dragons, and just like that, Toothless and Stormfly arrived.

“Alright, bud, you ready for another test flight?”

“Come on, let’s get this over with,” Astrid said as she mounted Stormfly.

I looked up at the sky, then got on Toothless, giving him an affectionate pat on the head.

“Here we go, bud!”

The four of us took off in search of the perfect place to test my new invention. We spent about fifteen minutes on dragonback before finding ourselves back at the same place I’d done my earlier tests. We positioned ourselves on the highest point, where the wind was perfect for a solo flight. I dismounted from my dragon and walked to the edge of the cliff, and I could already feel the wind in my hair. It was nice.

“And here we are: the perfect place!” I declared.

“You’re sure this is going to work?” she said, a hint of worry in her voice.

I turned to face her, and did my best to reassure her.

“Don’t worry, Astrid, everything’s under control. And if anything happens to me, Toothless is right there…and you are, too,” I said, smiling at her.

She still looked anxious, but it seemed I’d managed to reassure her a little. I turned and called Toothless toward me, giving him a pat on the head.

“Okay, bud, I’m going to jump off this cliff, and if everything works out, I should be able to fly, okay? And if anything goes wrong, I’ll call you, okay?” He groaned in agreement. “Perfect.”

I positioned myself right at the edge, and jumped. I waited until I was a few centimetres from the water before deploying my wings, and then I was flying. I was soaring, just like the wind underneath me. I’d succeeded, and I shouted out with joy.

“Hahaha! It works, it works!” I cried.

Suddenly I was gaining altitude without meaning to. I didn’t want to lose the newfound height, but I was barrelling towards a big pillar of rocks on my right. I managed to steer to the left of them, but I wasn’t able to avoid them completely. They grazed me, and suddenly I was in free-fall. With no way to right myself, I ended up crashing to the ground.

Regaining consciousness little by little, I heard a voice:

“I knew I shouldn’t have let you do this!” she cried, completely panicked.

When I opened my eyes, Astrid was bent over me, Toothless and Stormfly on either side of her.

“Hiccup! Don’t move!” she yelled, leaning over me. “Are you hurt?”

The sand and my wings had successfully broken my fall, but I could feel a sharp pain in my right arm.

“I think I’m okay,” I said, “but my right arm hurts a little…”

“Can you get up?” she said, offering me her hand.

I took it, and was able to get up without difficulty. Then she grabbed my right arm and pulled back my sleeve. I cried out.

“Okay, we’ll take a look at that when we get back. Can you get back on Toothless?”

I relented; I had nothing to add. She was scared for me, that was for sure, but it seemed like she was also pretty angry at me. I climbed back onto my dragon the best I could, and it was all I could do to stay up there without falling. Toothless was laughing at me.

We made our way back to the Edge, and Astrid helped me dismount from Toothless. She brought me to her hut and we went inside. She sat me down on her bed.

“Take this off so I can see the the damage,” she said, gesturing to my shirt.

I complied without a word, and despite the pain in my right arm, I was able to take it off with my left. Astrid froze for a split second at the sight of my torso, but she snapped out of it just as quickly, leaning over me to examine my injuries up close. In reality, I was a lot more beaten up than I’d realized: my left arm was covered in scrapes and bruises, and my right arm had a few nasty scratches. My leggings were fine, although I could feel a few bruises forming.

Astrid took my head between her hands. “What about up here? Does your head hurt?”

“No, no, it’s fine.”

“Good. You’ve just got a few scrapes—we’ll get those cleaned up and they should heal pretty quick. Now, let’s see your arm.”

I presented my right arm and she took it gently, examining it.

“No cuts or abrasions or bruises…Can you bend it?”

I tried to bend my elbow, but just moving it at all hurt my arm something fierce. I gritted my teeth.

“No, I can’t.”

“It must be broken…” she said. “Wait here, I’ll be right back.”

She had definitely gone looking for first aid supplies. She was right—my arm was broken. What an idiot I’d made of myself, all while trying to prove my inventions were good for something…I’d failed at that, to say the least. She came back a few minutes later with a bucket of water and a cloth, along with some alcohol. She sat next to me on the edge of the bed.

“Alright, give me your left arm.”

She took my arm and started cleaning it with the water without another word, then applied a few drops of alcohol on each of my wounds. Finally, she spoke again.

“Look at this! It could have been so much worse, and you got away with a broken arm!” she exclaimed. She lifted her head towards me. “Do you realize, Hiccup? You could have been more seriously wounded.”

“But I...”

“You are completely unconscious, irresponsible and immature! You always want to do more--push the limits--well, this is what it leads to! You'll not be able to fly for a while, and Toothless will be punished because of you.”

“Astrid, I…”

“Anyway, I told you it was a bad idea, but, as always, you didn't listen to me! You did what you wanted anyway...”

She dipped her washcloth back in the water and leaned toward my face to clean the scrapes on my temple, dabbing carefully at the scratch on my eyebrow.

“I should have stopped you while there was still time… I should have seen that it was going wrong. I wasn't fast enough, I should have hurried. I would have arrived in time and—”

“I love you.”

“I'm so sorry, Hiccup. I know that—” she paused. “Wait, what did you just say?”

I leaned my face close to hers, drew her toward me and kissed her.

After a few moments, I gently pulled my lips back from hers.

“I love you, Astrid Hofferson.”

Her expression was a little troubled at first, but it was tender, too.

“I know I should’ve said this to you a long time ago, but I was scared you’d reject me, and now…well, now, I’m still a little scared of that, but I’m a lot more scared of losing you, and never getting the chance. So…there it is: I’ve loved you since day one, and I know that, for you, we were just kids then—but I never forgot those times you kissed me. Those mattered to me, Astrid.”

“Hiccup… I know what I said, and I still think that, but… what I want to say is that we’re not kids anymore, and the feelings I have for you now aren’t the same as before…”

I lowered my head—I could see where she was going with this.

“Hiccup,” she said, lifting my head again and smiling at me, “I was scared too, because I knew I was falling in love with you for real.”

I wrapped my one good arm around her and held her tight against me; she wrapped her arms around me. We stayed like that for a moment, soaking up what was happening. Then we broke apart from each other, softly—although Astrid accidentally put her weight on my right arm.

“Ow, watch the arm!” I said, wincing.

“Oh shoot, sorry!”

We threw each other the exact same amused look, and burst out laughing. We smiled affectionately at one another, and then Astrid asked:

“So…more than friends?” she smiled.

I smiled back even wider.

“I think we could say that.”

I had come alone, and I was leaving alone. I hadn’t succeeded in retrieving Hiccup, even though I’d wanted to so badly. Looking out at the horizon, at the sea, inevitably made my thoughts drift to him—and the fact that I was getting further and further way from him. I stayed there, thinking, hoping against hope I’d be able to help him. I heard uneven footsteps approaching behind me—it was Gobber. He came and stood beside me.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked me.

“Hiccup…I never should’ve left him the other day when we argued. If I hadn’t done that, all of this could’ve been avoided and he’d still be with us now…”

“Astrid, if I have any good advice to give you, it’s that there’s no sense in living in the past. You and Hiccup are the same—always blaming yourselves for things. Sometimes it’s not your fault—sometimes it’s nobody’s fault! It’s just life—life is just like that, Astrid, whether you like it or not.”

He put a hand on my shoulder.

“And between us, staying here worrying about it isn’t going to do anything to help Hiccup.”

“You’re right, Gobber—I’ve been letting my feelings get the best of me, and that’s not going to help Hiccup. Let’s go back to the others.”

It was with a much more determined stride that I headed back to the rest of the group—the same group that had saved my life.

“I need to say a huge thank-you to all of you. Thank you for coming looking for Hiccup and me, and even if I’m the only one here to say it, I’m sure Hiccup will be back with us before too long. In the meantime, I’ll fill in for him as best as I can.”

“So…if I’m following this…you’re the chief now?” Tuffnut asked.

“Basically, yeah.”

“Cool! A girl chief!” Ruffnut said. She ran up to me and grabbed me from behind. “Girl power!” she said, raising her fist in the air.

I extracted myself from her grip, throwing her a dark look. Eret approached her.

“It’s just temporary, Ruff,” he said.

“Okay, now that’s been cleared up, I want to know something; where are your dragons?”

“We left them on the isle of night furies. It was too risky to bring them here with us,” Fishlegs explained.

“Okay, so that’s where we’re headed next…I hope Stormfly is still there…”

Erik steered the ship toward his island. Several hours later, we arrived. We disembarked from the ship and each of us began calling our respective dragons.

“Meatlug! Come here, girl! Daddy’s back!” Fishlegs called.

“Barf! Belch! Get over here!” the twins yelled.

They were reunited with their dragons before long—but even though I called and called, there was no sign of either Stormfly or Toothless. Erik didn’t seem to be able to find his dragon, either.

“Lifa! Where are you?” he called.

Suddenly, the Night Furies came towards him, looking like they wanted to show him something. I climbed onto Cloudjumper behind Valka, and Erik grabbed onto one of the Night Furies. We followed them to the place they seemed to want to bring us to, and there were even more Night Furies waiting for us there. I dismounted carefully from Cloudjumper and went to stand behind Erik, who seemed like he was beginning to understand what was going on. Curious, I turned my head to see what he was looking at, and what I saw made me break into a smile.

Erik’s Night Fury, Lifa, had laid eggs—and guess who was by her side, defending them? It was Toothless. And who was standing right by his side, helping her best friend with such an important task? None other than Stormfly.

I almost couldn’t believe it—our dragons had apparently been through a lot while we’d been gone…I approached Stormfly softly so as not to scare the future parents, and gave her an affectionate pat on the head.

“Oh, Stormfly…I missed you so much, girl…But you were here, helping Toothless protect his eggs? That’s amazing, girl!”

I was so happy to be with her again—and not to have lost Toothless. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to find him again without Hiccup…And having Toothless here, well, that was really going to help out with the plan I’d been forming to rescue Hiccup. It was about time I let the others in on it, actually—they’d definitely be able to help. I distanced myself from my dragon for just a moment, turning to the rest of the group.

“Okay, now that we’ve found our dragons, we need to get out of here. We’re going back to Berk—I have a plan.”

62 notes · View notes