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nonatanahlada · 4 years

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do you ever love someone | tbz younghoon x tbz hyunjae

it started with a typical saturday night—quiet and dim lighted for kim younghoon's minimalistic apartment unit on the twelfth floor of the whole building. september just ended and the season is transitioning from a scorching summer to rather windy fall. thinking that by having his longtime bestfriend and actually romantic interest came over to fill the chilly gap tonight, there is lee jaehyun in the other side of the dining table. the both of them just finished the dinner younghoon cooked himself with a bottle of wine from one of the finest château jaehyun's or hyunjae's (there are too many jaehyun's around so) fancying over. then the lee asked if he could stay over as he is too drunk to drive himself back in which the kim surely agreed to.

the both of them changed to more comfortable fits, brushed their teeth, and moved directly to the shared bed. being bestfriends since they were newborns in the hospital ward—family friends and its perks they said, made sharing the same bed as an occasion that is not to be fussed about too much. though as younghoon realized his romantic interest towards hyunjae, this slightly succeeded in fastening his own heartbeat. not wanting to be more flustered than he is at the moment, younghoon quickly pulled up the covers and asked hyunjae to turn off the bedside lamp.

moments have passed and the kim has successfully reached the deep unconsciousness—in the opposite, the lee is still trying to find the comfortable state to fall asleep. hyunjae knew there is something bugging inside his mind recently and somehow he got this odd guts saying that it would fade away the moment he asks it out to younghoon.

"hoon?" hyunjae somehow couldn't resist the urge to ask. though he might be an asshole at times, he would never really want to disturb others' deep slumber—yet his odd guts literally made the decision that he should this time.

the one being asked—younghoon, randomly mumbled then changed his position from backing away to face him kind of properly. his eyes tightly shut but hyunjae is sure that his ears are all in.

"can i ask you something?" hyunjae continued.

younghoon chuckled weakly as the sleepiness is still there—he proceeded to reply in his morning voice (it was a little over midnight at the moment in fact), "mind you that 'can i ask you something' is already a question, jae."

ah, kim younghoon and his subtle teasing nature, hyunjae thought.

younghoon was never the type to intentionally make others flustered by teasing them—he absolutely doesn't need to and it's more of hyunjae's kind of thing, but he does though he only shows it to selected few including hyunjae.

"i'll take that as a yes," hyunjae sighed and younghoon noticed the seriousness and anxiousness the other had, he tried harder to open his eyes.

"do you ever love someone so much at the point it scares you to tell them what you're actually feeling?"

oh my Lord, oh my good Lord.

this is absolutely nothing kim younghoon would expect to hear from someone like lee jaehyun—the lee jaehyun he's known since the very first memory he had in mind, the one that is known as a true heartbreaker (the nice one though, the type to keep things genuine but only for a short period of time—never cheated or something like that). he couldn't even keep up with the number of girls and actually guys hyunjae have dated with over the years. the lee possessed God gracious sculpted good looking physical appearance, literal jack of all trades, interesting personality, and those qualities are surely attracting many.

but then his mind traveled back to the fact that hyunjae asked something like 'do you ever love someone so much at the point it scares you to tell them what you're actually feeling?', that's a question only a true romantic would ask! younghoon never took him as a true romantic as hyunjae has too many hearts broken under his name and it should numb his concept of romance. yet younghoon quickly got over it—hyunjae is an honest bastard, sometimes way too honest and that is why he is a bastard. the way he can't tell whoever he meant about his feelings must be torturing him deeply (younghoon was not sure that they were really talking about hyunjae himself though).

"hoon? uh, i guess that was odd? well, let's forget it and sorry for disturbing your sleep. get back on it, good night-"

"i do, and i still am," younghoon—still with eyes struggling to open and morning voice, cut off the other quickly.

and it's you, the one i'm loving way too much at the point it scares me to tell you the truth.

hyunjae felt a timid surprise throughout his system as he sees younghoon as someone similar to himself, a heartbreaker—though more in the calmer side with prince like outlook and somewhat unapproachable as he has this shy introvert nature. but a heartbreaker is still a heartbreaker by the end of the day right?

"it's the best of not really the best feeling ever, you got it?"

hyunjae hummed quietly, he agreed though—the best of not really the best feeling, it is as messed up as it sounds.

"why?" younghoon tried to continue the conversation as he noticed that hyunjae's hum could end everything they have at the moment.

"why what?" hyunjae asked back, eyes finally fell on the august born he's known all his life.

"why did you ask something like that? especially to me at this hour."

hyunjae felt his throat drying up, he lost the strength to answer somehow. yet younghoon patiently waited while staring back at the september born's twinkling orbs.

"i didn't know either—my odd guts told me to ask you, it has been bugging my mind recently," hyunjae replied after a solid ten minutes of silence.

younghoon hummed, "you have someone in mind then? the one who made you thought of it."

the idea of someone strucked hyunjae like a blazing lightning inside his mind—someone, someone he has known way better for way too long. and younghoon kind of got the memo, oh please keep in mind that neither the two of them were never the clueless type—they're literal heartbreakers, know how romantic interest works, and have been understanding each other the best.

and just like that, younghoon shifted from his laying position to sit himself up on the bed with eyes finally wide awake. he simply leaned closer and unsurprisingly hyunjae kept still—not showing any sign of uncomfort at the disappearing space between. they could feel each others' pacing breath as their nose tips began to touch each other. but as the party who has been realizing longer, worries and hesitation started to grow on younghoon—luckily, hyunjae being the risk taker he is noticed it and took over the lead.

do it, just do it. now or never, once for ever.

and there you go—

lee jaehyun kissed kim younghoon right on the lips at sharply 1 am on the shared bed of minimalistic apartment unit on the twelfth floor during the transition of summer to fall.

the kiss—it was a quick peck actually, a chaste one too. it happened too fast at the point the both of them kind of forgot how each others' lips tasted like (kind of 'gross' but guess that's just how people in love act).

"can i do it again?" hyunjae asked in rather small voice, risking it all in the contrary.

younghoon simply nod.

and they kissed, again. this time longer, more demanding, and filled with various unsaid feelings. through that, younghoon learned that hyunjae's lips tasted like a warm wine from a certain château—it was drunkenly sweetening. hyunjae also learned how younghoon's lips tasted like the softest combination of cherry and coffee—it sounded weird but he loved it.

"i never really thought we would—more on myself though, develop romantic interest to each other," hyunjae opened the conversation as they parted the contact.

"i thought the world has gone mad the moment you asked that question earlier," younghoon smiled vaguely.

"how long has you realized yours though, hoon?"

"two to three years, i guess? i'm not particularly sure either, i just happened to wake up one day and realized i wanted to kiss the hell up of your lips and spend my entire life with you."

"cheesy," hyunjae cringed.

"but i like it, let's do that."

"let's do that."

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chloepeurey · 5 years

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I have had an abortion about two months ago now, I don’t even remember when it was. It was the second time and I had an IUD. It impacted me even way less than the first one, I barely even think about it anymore. When I was pregnant it was hard because I was sick all the time. I would wake up in the morning and feel nauseous immediately. I had made supplies of chocolate and nuts cereal bars, apple sauce in squeezable pouches, rice galettes and I was stuffing myself with those until I felt able to stand up. Work was difficult. I had little pills and bracelets that pressed certain areas of my wrists and were supposed to prevent nausea, working with acupuncture or something. They did not really work. I was still wearing them daily, just in the eventuality that they might make things a little better. I did not try to ask but I doubt doctors give sick leave for pregnancy sicknesses. It is just something normal that women must bear. I had also mood swings, that seemed caused by the hormones, I don’t think I am that changeable normally or that my melancholy is as persistent. I was mad at Jordan for not being there. He did not know if he was going to be able to come on the day of the operation and this idea drove me crazy. Immediately, the thought of breaking up with him if he was not there on that day pierced my brain, and my thoughts were rumbling that I could not be with somebody who was not there when things happened to me. I was angry, full of self-pity and mad at myself. I talked about it around me a little. I talked about it to Andrea because I thought she would be supportive and have reactions that would make me feel good. It was true. She welcomed me home and made me food, she listened and talked about it with me as much or as little as I wanted to, and also shared problems of her own naturally, which I liked because it became an exchange between us and it wasn’t just me discharging my load of emotions. She came with me to the doctor, was there for the ultrasound. She saw at the same time as me the fetus’s heartbeat inside my body. She asked questions and clarifications to the doctors and counsellors when I would not have, because of my exhaustion and confusion.

Jordan was there on the given day after all. He walked with me to the hospital and into the doctor’s room. When time came to go to the areas where they were performing the operations though, they did not let him in. He insisted a little. I cried a little in his arms. They told him to come back in a few hours. The nurse who walked me to my bed spoke English, she was one of the only persons who did in the clinic. They had me change into clothes I had brought, lay in the bed and stuck a needle in my hand for a perfusion. There were four other women in the room, I would say around the ages of 25 to 35 years old. Only one looked older, maybe around 50. She was also the one who looked the most around her and our eyes met a few times. One blond woman was crying silently. I think I looked the youngest out of the lot. One older nurse was asking me questions sometimes, to make sure I was okay, she was making gestures with them to help me understand. One by one, the nurses walked the other women out of the room. Another nurse was then rolling the bed behind. And then, there were all brought back, sleeping and snoring. I waited for hours and my bladder was extra full. I asked if I could use the toilet, but I was told “not yet” by the same older nurse who was taking care of me. It became torturous and the only thing I could think about and I repeatedly looked at her in expectation. Finally, she said I could go. I locked the toilet and then was told I should not do that in case something happened to me inside. A few minutes later, they told me to take off my panties and to follow them in the other room just wearing my long shirt. I entered the operation room and laid on the chair, legs spread out, my arm resting on the side; with my perfusion still. I could see big lamps above me and many people in the room. The doctor I had seen in the morning was there. The nurse kept talking to me, asking if I was okay. They put the mask on my face. I breathed deeply. It did not smell or taste like anything. I did not feel sleepy or like I was dosing off, so I took another long breath. I then woke up in my bed, back in the first room. I had not felt myself losing consciousness. I was laying on the side and I had panties on, but they had not been pulled up and were bellow my ass. I was feeling a strong pain on my low belly and I felt nauseous. The nurses were moving around and were not paying much attention. Eventually one came and gave me a tea and a lollypop. I could not really drink. I put the lollypop in my mouth, but I still felt like puking. These waves of nausea kept going back and forth in my throat and my stomach. I thought I was going to puke. I wanted to tell someone, but they had left. There was only a girl sitting in the bed in front of me. She saw me sitting and trying to get up and asked in English if she should call someone. I nodded. She talked to a nurse in German. They took me to the toilet again. I did not puke. I was bleeding. Not too much. Less than the first time. I went back to my bed and I slowly started to feel better. They told me Jordan was waiting for me in the other room. I stood up, still with the nurses holding my arms and walked to the changing room to put my clothes on. I whispered a “tschuss” to the girl in her bed. Alone in the room, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was really pale and looked sick, my hair was tied and greasy. I put my clothes on, slowly and walked out. The ladies at the reception showed me the waiting room, where Jordan was waiting for me. He moved his head towards me, with what looked like impatience and anxiety. He hugged me carefully and we went out of the hospital, stopping by at the pharmacy to buy some painkillers, the ones normally for period pain. At home, I already felt better and hungry, and he ordered sushi for me. We cuddled. I thought of him the night before, when I was anxious in anticipation, stroking my hair and telling me stories. The fact that he was there made things so much easier, because I didn’t have to take all the pain on me and bottle my emotions like I do when I’m alone. At night, we went to see the Lion King, bought two ice creams each and laughed because the movie was stupid. I cried going home at night because of the fact that I hadn’t told my parents what had happened, and I felt so far from them. But he hugged me, and this felt good.

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