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pegasusdragontiger · 7 years

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The Stupid and Moronic things Steve Rogers Has Done List

Pairing: Pepper Potts/ Tony Stark, Thor/Jane hint at Darcy Lewis/James Barnes/Steve Rogers

Rating: G

Warnings: Fluff and feels, Laughter.

Summary: Well someone hands Bucky a list and things don’t turn out so well. No Super Soldiers were harmed in the writing of this fic.

Okay so I got this Idea from this post that was sent to me by @queendivaofthedark pegasusdragontiger sent a photo post omg #22 whoever created the cartoon is a gem and I want to hug them so much! Cause it was like an idea buzzing in my head and told @bolontiku about and she said to me write it and tag her! Also I like to shout out to @glynnisi I sent out a call like months ago for a list of all the Stupidest and moronic things and funniest things Steve has done from the moment he rescued the Howlies and Bucky to meeting up with Bucky again and it must have been a day or too afterwards or maybe three? Anyway I tagged @mcgregorswench to help and she was like the one person to ask @glynnisi and it must have been like 4 mins later BAM I HAD THE LIST! which I have copied and saved so the list I give credit to her so If you want said list I can post that too. Lastly to my bestie/my friend/ my sis from another mother she is like a rock filled with sunshine you is has been and meant so much to me we met on Ao3 randomly and been besties ever since. By the way still planning on ruling the world or plotting can’t remember which but we will get their with our fics! This awesome funny, hilarious person beta’d this fic which I hope, I hope lives up to everything. anyway to my beta @littleplebe HERE IT IS PEOPLE!

It was early morning when Steve and Bucky came in from their daily morning run, all tall, sweaty, gorgeously built men slightly puffing from their 15 km run. Sam hunched over, trying to drag air into his lungs. “You guys do this to me all the time, god… damn you both! I can’t breathe, I can’t move!” He collapsed on the floor. “I’m dying! I’m dying!”

Chuckling at Sam lying on the floor gasping for air, Bucky teased, “Sure you are, birdy!” He walked into the kitchen to get started on breakfast. It was his turn on the roster of kitchen duty. As he bent down getting all the pans, knives, chopping boards and the ingredients needed for what he was going to be cooking, he asked Jarvis to wake the others and notify them about breakfast.

Only a select few of the Avengers could cook. Steve, Bucky, Nat if she ever felt inclined to, which wasn’t often, and Bruce. The other person was Darcy, who was not an Avenger but her food and deserts were legendary.

While Steve prepared the pancakes, Bucky worked on scrambled eggs. He chopped the onion, bacon, tomatoes, cracked the eggs, added milk and a bit of butter, His left hand quickly whisked all the ingredients in a bowl Once the pans were hot, they started to cook.

“Jarvis, can you heat up the oven please?”

“Of course sir!”

Bucky heard the sound of the ovens turning on and watched the pans while waiting for everyone to arrive.

The smell of scrambled eggs and pancakes brought in Nat, Darcy and Thor with a struggling Jane behind him. The scientist was still in sleep mode and mumbling science equations under her breath. Next came Bruce, also drowsy from the all nighter he had pulled with Jane and Tony. All threw a half-hearted good morning to each other before grabbing a glass of juice or a mug of coffee to start their day.

Sam, having just recovered from their morning run, got up from the floor and greeted everyone before heading off to his room to have a shower before breakfast. He walked a bit bowlegged, which made Bucky look up and smirk.

Rhodey and Pepper ambled in. Pepper had her power suit on for her meeting with her team in the morning before she was due for a conference with Stark Industries’ board for their annual meetings.

The last person to shuffle in was Tony, hair all over the place, eyes half lidded, with two posted notes on his face which he didn’t seem to notice. He made a beeline for the coffee machine, simply grunting at everyone as a form of greeting.

Plates and silverware were placed on the table; Sam and Nat started removing the food from the oven, placing them on the table; and Bucky finished the last lot of bacon in the pan. Steve flipped the last pancake and placed it on the already towering stack. Making sure everything was on the table, they moved to take their seat when the vent above him popped open and out dropped Clint, looking like he’d just woken up, hair tussled, yawning and rubbing his eyes. When his eyes landed on Bucky, he reached into his jacket and pulled out a booklet which looked like it had been stapled together. He handed it to Bucky with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Here’s a list of all the stupid things Steve has done while you were gone!”

All conversations at the table stopped, eyes wide and forks with food hovering in the air, every gaze fixed on Clint and the two super soldiers. Grinning like a loon with a death wish, the archer quickly went and took his seat at the table, greeting everyone and piling food in his plate, making sure it rivaled the mountain of food set before Thor.

Nat looked between Steve and Bucky with open interest. She nudged Clint and tilted her head towards the two men yet to sit at the table, her amused eyes silently asking ‘what is that booklet?’ Clint simply winked and tapped his nose in a secretive gesture.

Steve gaped at Clint, then at Bucky, seeming nervous to utter a single word. Bucky frowned and turned the booklet over to see Clint’s recently uttered words in block letters like a title. Underneath, it said, ‘Written by Agent M. Carter, Howling Commandos , Col. C. Phillips. Edits by N. Fury, Agent M. Hill and Agent N. Romanoff.

Bucky’s mind was going a mile a minute, his brain trying to compute what the hell kind of things the list would reveal. His Winter Soldier side scoffed at the silliness, thinking this was the most ridiculous thing he had heard of! But his Bucky side, once he had skimmed down the detailed list, tried to calm his mind down, reminding himself to take deep breaths, to force the air from his lungs, to breathe in and out. In his poor mind, the Bucky from forties was in shock but also wanted to stare really hard at Steve and give him a scolding.

No, that won’t work on Stevie, Bucky thought. I need to do what Steve’s mom used to and cuff him over the head for his stupidity.

“Bucky? Buck?” Steve’s worried voice sounded as if from a distance.

Bucky looked up at his friend, his expression changing from cool best bud to dark and stormy like the Winter Soldier in a span of a few seconds.

“You okay, Buck? You need to breathe?”

Not realising he was holding his breath, Bucky took in an unsteady breath. He locked eyes with Steve and finally spoke, forgetting their audience, “What’s this, pal?”

Steve looked nervously at the booklet. “Um… I don’t know.”

“Whaddaya mean ya don’t know, you punk?”

Steve looked shocked at Bucky’s tone, then narrowed his eyes. “Means I don’t know, ya jerk.”

Both glared at each other. Then Bucky shoved the booklet under Steve’s nose and demanded, “Then why does it say Here Is A List Of All The Stupid And Moronic Things Steven Grant Rogers Has Done While He Was Captain America?”

Steve gaped at the booklet like a fish out of water, mouth opening and closing, eyes wide as they carefully read the title and the names below it.

Bucky was on a roll as he continued, “Why does it say written by Agent. M Carter? Huh! And Howling Commandos? Col. C. Phillips? What the hell, Steve?”

Steve’s mouth was set in a comical O. He shook his head in denial, trying to form words to answer Bucky. At that moment, an old memory hit him like a bullet. A conversation between Peggy and Gabe, long ago, when they were planning an assault on Schmidt's base in the Alps. They were all sitting together, laughing and joking, when Gabe teased, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we made a little booklet on the stupid things Cap has done since he rescued us?” Everyone snorted and Peggy shook her head before letting loose a smirk which hinted that she might already be planning on making such a silly list! At the time, Steve had thought Bucky would have liked that even though it would have gotten him into trouble! Now, though, after having done several more ‘stupid things’ as they said, Steve wasn’t so sure about Bucky calming down so easily and seeing the humor in it.

Steve shook the memory from his mind and realized Bucky still stood before him reading the booklet. Steve couldn’t believe they did it. The loons actually made the list! They actually sat down with each other and wrote all the crazy things he did, with a few updated things added. Mind racing, yet his breathing staying calm, he oh so slowly backed away from Bucky, knowing what was going to come. He decided a quick getaway was in the cards, knowing Bucky was reading the list, he backed further and further away.

His stupid shoe made a squeaky noise and Steve sighed in frustration, wanting to burn his shoe into nothing but ash. He looked up as Bucky’s head slowly glanced up, eyes blazing, mouth turned in, eyebrows scrunching up. Bucky slowly counted one to ten in his head before saying incredulously, “It’s twelve pages, Steve, twelve pages!” He looked down and when he looked up again, Steve had made more progress in moving away from him. “It’s double sided, Steve! DOUBLE SIDED!”

Steve stayed where he was. “Ah hehe,” he tried to laugh it off, pulling the innocent smile he used on all the ladies in the neighbourhood, the smile that got them both out of trouble a few times back in the day when they were kids. That smile could get him away with anything and everything; all he had to do was the “aww shucks ma’am” routine and bam! The little old ladies didn’t know what hit them. Even Bucky’s own Ma didn’t catch on till Stevie’s Ma talked to his, and then little Steve and Bucky didn’t get away with some of their stuff anymore in his home.

“Now Buck, it’s,” Steve started eagerly. “It’s not that bad, really. Only a few... just a few things I may have done? Nothing like near death experience!” He moved to put himself past the table and behind Darcy who was raptly watching the morning’s entertainment.

Bucky took murder struts closer to Steve and the table, waving the booklet that he got turned to page 4, or was it 5? Who cared? “Nothing near death?” Bucky’s voice rose. “Not too bad?... Just a few things, right? So jumping out of a plane while said plane was being shot at isn’t near death? How about signing up for an experiment program without knowing if you will live to see it through or DIE?”

“Now hang on a minute,” Steve interjected quickly. “That was Dr. Erskine and he was confident.”

“Confident, eh? His only other test subject was Red Skull and if I remember correctly, his SKULL WAS RED! AND HE HAD ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES PLUS BEING INSANE! Oh but wait there's more! YOU CRASHED A PLANE IN THE ARCTIC? WHEN DID YOU LEARN TO FLY A PLANE? Look at these, Stevie, look at them! This is insane!” He waved the booklet around everyone at the table.

They were all watching the scene like a tennis match, eyes flitting back and forth, seeing who won each point. Tony was so riveted, he had asked Jarvis to slyly keep score. Clint wiggled giddily in his seat and smiled while shoveling food in his mouth.

“I didn’t! I just took a guess is all!” Steve stammered, fidgeting under his best friend’s furious gaze.

“GODDAMIT STEVE!” In a bid to calm down, Bucky closed his eyes. “And don’t you dare move from that spot, you punk! I’m not through with you!” He remembered something and his eyes opened in a glare. “YOU JUMPED OUTTA PLANE WITH NO CHUTE YOU ARE A GODDAMN MORON!”

Steve, looking suitably ashamed, nodded his head. “Okay, that one I admit was stupid but it was in the middle of the ocean it was reckless I admit.”

“Oh, reckless now, is it? Didn’t ya Ma tell ya to not be so damn stupid? You could have died, you have a death wish huh, Steve? Jeez, you have more sense when I’m with ya than when I’m not!”

“Look at this, STEVE parachuted (on plus side, he used a parachute!) into the middle of a pissing contest between Iron Man and Thor; argued with a somewhat unstable narcissistic philanthropist playboy genius to the verge of fighting him in armor; nearly plunged to death off back of helicarrier, but managed to hold on by one tiny strap while dodging bullets; broke into super top secret Phase 2 SHIELD weapons storage (should have been guards there); aced down an entire squad of alien army guys and got blown out window to crash onto car; let Tony Stark blast shield with repulsor rays in hopes they would bounce off and hit baddies (yay! it worked even tho we had no time to practice/test that); and this one has to be my favourite of all -- elevator fight, 10 men and one hand behind his back most of it, then elevator JUMP through girders to marble floor nearly 150 ft below with only shield to dampen fall.” Bucky paused and turned wide eyes to Steve. “WHAT POINT IN YA GODDAMN MIND MADE YOU THINK JUMPING OUT OF A LIFT WAS OKAY?”

“I had no choice--”

“No choice! STEVE, YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE! IT’S JUST THAT IT ENTERS YOUR BRAIN BUT IT WON’T COMPUTE!”

“IF YOU’D LET ME FINISH, YA JERK! I HAD NO CHOICE! THEY HAD HYDRA SWAT COMING DOWN THE HALL TO THE LIFT AND I HAD NO WAY OUT. JUMPING OUT WAS MY ONLY OPTION!”

Both of them huffed and puffed, staring each other down, too furious to say words. Bucky threw the booklet on the table and moved toward Steve, who jerked and darted away as Bucky chased him around the table.

It was a funny sight,one man trying to escape and the other trying to catch and whack him hard for his stupidity. Not really hard, but to cuff him over the head for being a moron and to make up for what his Ma couldn’t do! God bless her soul, she would be rolling in her grave for sure at Steve for being so careless.

The rest of the Avengers watched with varied degrees of shock and amusement while their food sat uneaten.

Clint giggled like a loon and said to Nat, “Wanna bet Barnes gets Stevie good?”

Nat, looking on in her Black Widow way, side-eyed Clint. “How much you willing to bet?”

Tony, having heard them, piped up, “Hang on, hang on, are you saying that Barnes will be the winner of this esteemed fight, not our fearless leader?”

Clint smirked as if he was seeing dollar signs before his eyes. “Yes, got something to say about do that, Tony?”

Pepper looking between the three of them. “Tony, don’t you dare!” she warned. “Every bet you go into with Clint and Nat you never win! And I have to listen to you whine and complain for three weeks, Tony! THREE WEEKS!”

Tony looked affronted. “But...but Pep, I can’t not support our Cap!”

Clint and Nat were grinning like a grinch at Christmas time. “Scared, Tony?” Nat asked slowly, chewing on her piece of bacon.

“No! Jarvis you will look after the bet and the money.”

“Of course, sir.”

“I bet 150 on Cap to kick Barnes’ ass!”

Clint rubbed hands together. “Oh yeah, 250 in favor of Barnes, Jarvis!”

“Of course. Anyone else want to place a bet?”

“Goddamnit, Tony!” Pepper looked pissed with each minute passing by.

Rhodey looked on in equal horror and entertainment. “Now I can’t let you say that without backing my buddy! Jarvis, make note, 100 on Cap!”

“Noted, sir.”

Thor laughed. “This is the best entertainment I’ve ever had during a meal” Smiling widely at Jane, he asked, “I would also like to make a bet my love, do you approve?”

Jane was shoveling food into her mouth and chewing while muttering equations. She took a while before her head came up and said, “Hmm what...what?”

“Tony, Rhodey and Clint have made a bet that either Barnes or Steve will win this mighty battle, was wondering if I could make one?”

“Oh ..um? 200 on Steve.”

“Oh a good suggestion, mighty Jarvis, I would also place 500 Asgardian gold coins!”

“No, no! Jarvis, place 150 US dollars on... who did you pick?”

“Oh, can’t I use Asgardian coins?”

“No, Thor. Asgardian currency doesn’t work here!”

“Such a shame. I was going to pick mighty fair Steven!”

“Jarvis! Please can you?”

“Done, of course, Dr. Foster”

Sam was looking on in amazement. He grinned and said, “100 on Steve please, Jarvis.”

“Done, sir.”

Darcy was trying not to daydream and moon over the hot men chasing each other around the table. “200 on a draw!” she said.

Everyone looked at her in disbelief.

Tony complained, “That’s not fair!”

Bruce said, “I’m not getting involved.”

Tony and Clint whined, “Please come on, it’s not fun without you!”

Bruce sighed, giving in. “Fine. 50 on Barnes! Okay can I get back to my food, please?”

Tony and Clint jumped in their seats. “Pepper, darling Pep, are you going to…?”

“No Tony! You know betting isn’t my thing! 50 on Barnes, Jarvis.”

Tony stared at her, stunned and betrayed. “You? You went against me!”

Pepper smiled. “I did it to teach you a lesson.”

Nat, still not having bet, said, “250 on a draw, Jarvis.”

“What?” Clint exclaimed. “You can’t do that!”

Natasha looked over at Clint with her murder stare. “I can and I just did!”

Clint sulked while going back to the action going on around him. “It’s not fair.”

Steve took a chance and ran for the lifts; Bucky noticed the slight change in direction and did an impressive leap over the table and over people’s head to go after him, yelling, “YOU CAN’T RUN OR HIDE FROM ME, STEVE! I WILL GET YOU, MARK MY WORDS!” He caught him before the entrance into the hallway and with his strength on display pulled him back in a wrestling move to the floor. Everyone at the table all stood in shock, including Clint with mouth open and food tumbling out, stood to watch as the two very grown and adult men wrestled like 4 years olds over a toy or the last piece of Mrs. Barnes or Mrs. Rogers’ cake. Grappling with each other... hits, kicks, and punches thrown in with the occasional grunt.

Their Brooklyn accent came out as they yelled at each other and Tony asked if Jarvis was recording this for movie night in the future.

“Of course sir, would I ever let you down?”

Thor said to Jane, “This is the best breakfast I have ever had, we should do this more often!”

Darcy finished her food and looked at the two men she had a crush on for so long! It wasn’t everyday you see your crushes get all annoyed, mad, pissed to the point they were fighting on the floor. Everyone got up and cleaned everything up, leaving them some food for when they finished their little fight.

One everyone went their separate ways, both Steve and Bucky slowed down to a stop. Exhausted, they stayed on the floor, looking at each other. “This is why you don’t ever do missions without me! I stop your stupid from taking over and making you do moronic things!” panted Bucky.

Laughing at each other, Steve nodded. Nat, walking by, shot them a grin and said, “ You really think, Steve, that all that stuff would only take 12 double sided pages? Really? Oh Steve, we have so much more to share with everyone!” Smiling serenely, she turned around and walked out with a spring in her step, calling out to Clint to wait up.

Bucky looked at Steve as if to say what! Darcy coughed to let them know they weren’t alone. “We left you some food on the table. Just make sure you clean up after yourselves!” Smiling at the both and praising herself for not making an absolute fool of herself, she sauntered out of the room not noticing the two soldiers watching her walk away. Two dreamy sighs were heard as they watched the one person whose opinions mattered. Darcy Lewis made them feel warm and homey.

Bucky laughed at the expression on Steve’s face. “You’re mooning again, punk, stop it.”

Steve huffed in annoyance.“I’m not mooning, you are.”

“Am not, you are.”

“No, you!”

“You!”

They glared at each other, not moving. Then, sighed and pulled each other up from the floor and walked to the table to have their hot breakfast.

Bucky chewed his food and said, “I know you love her, ya punk. Just make a move!”

Steve sighed. “I will. Just let me get a chance to work up to it!”

“What in heaven's name do you have to work up to? Just walk down there and tell her how we love her to bits and bits! And want to date her that will lead to an Asgardian marriage and then little Darcy/Steve/Bucky toddlers running around getting into mischief like we did!”

“If you’re so confident of saying all that to her then why don’t you do it?” Steve challenged.

“Cause I’m a deadly assassin and she wouldn’t like to hear it from me.”

They stayed there for a long time, arguing over who should go down there once they are done to ask out their dream girl.

The End

Tagging: @bolontiku @magellan-88 @always-an-evans-addict @ilovethings-somuch @littleplebe @mcgregorswench @glynnisi @ryverpenrad @aenariasbookshelf @anais-ninja-blog @phoenix-173 @wahwahwaffles @mee2themoo @idontgettechnology @theycallmebecca @mycapt-ohcapt @cinnaatheart @leftennant @hollyspacey @holdmecloseandfast

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