#i remember a commentator saying him leaving was ‘footballs worst kept secret’ once and like so true we all knew

[messfc]

we all knew this was going to happen but why would announce it before the season is over????

i read that apparently psg felt they were in an “awkward” position because they wanted to have a farewell ceremony for him but he hadnt publicly stated that he was leaving or something 🤷‍♀️ idk but like i honestly wouldnt have even cared if he announced he was leaving in the beginning of the year like we all knew it was happening why not just say it out loud

#i remember a commentator saying him leaving was ‘footballs worst kept secret’ once and like so true we all knew #football #ask #anonymous

[thelittlesttimelord]

The Littlest Timelord: The Death of the Doctor Chapter 15

TITLE: The Littlest Timelord: The Death of the Doctor Chapter 15 PAIRING: No Pairing RATING: T CHAPTER: 15/? SUMMARY: The Doctor’s death is looming on the horizon and Elise is growing every day. What the Doctor doesn’t know is that he has 200 years to teach Elise all he knows. Amy, Rory, and River let Elise in on their secret, because River knows she will keep it. What will Elise do when he’s gone?

Loud music played through the speakers in the console.

It was some rock song that Elise had never heard by a human band she’d never heard of. Elise decided she didn’t like Rock n’ Roll.

Amy and Rory played darts while Elise was sitting on the stairs sketching Idris while the Doctor stood in front of the monitor.

“Forty six. Rubbishy, rubbishy, rubbish,” Amy told Rory.

Elise rolled her eyes. She’d never understand human games. She and the Doctor played football sometimes when the Ponds were sleeping and she wasn’t too tired.

“Hello? It's a double top,” Rory argued.

“Wrong side of the wire, mister.”

“You're on the oche, Red.”

The music abruptly cut off.

“Who wants fish and chips?” the Doctor asked.

Rory raised his hand. “I'll drop you both off. Take your time. Don't rush.”

“Er, and you?” Rory asked.

Elise had once again been forgotten. Maybe she needed to speak up more.

“Things to do. Things involving other things.”

“Well, we'll stay with you. We'll do the other things,” Amy said, joining the Doctor on the platform.

“Nope.”

“Whatever you're up to, I'd personally like to be a part of it.”

The Doctor looked at her apprehensively.

“What?”

An alarm went off and the TARDIS lurched.

Elise was thrown from stairs. The Doctor grabbed her before her face could slam into the console.

“Solar tsunami. Came directly from your sun. A tidal wave of radiation. Big, big, big.”

The Doctor pulled levers as he tried to direct the TARDIS.

“Oh Doctor, my tummy's going funny,” Rory moaned.

“Well, the gyrator disconnected. Target tracking is out. Assume the position!”

“What does that mean?!” Elise yelled.

“Do I what do,” Amy told her. Amy ran to the jump seat and put her head between her knees.

Elise copied her.

Rory knelt down on the platform and did the same.

The TARDIS landed and everything was quiet.

The Doctor jumped up. “Textbook landing.”

They made their way to the TARIDS doors and the Doctor threw them open. “Behold, a cockerel! Love a cockerel.”

They all stepped out.

“And underneath, a monastery. Thirteenth century.”

“Oh, we've gone all medieval,” Amy commented.

“I'm not sure about that,” Rory told her.

“Really? Medieval expert are you?”

“No, it's just that I can hear Dusty Springfield.”

There was indeed music coming from the monastery.

The Doctor knelt beside a hole with an exposed pipe. “These fissures are new. Solar tsunami sent out a huge wave of gamma particles. This is caused by a magnetic quake that occurs just before the wave hits.”

“Well, the monastery's standing,” Amy said.

The Doctor took a snowglobe out of his jacket and shook it. Elise failed to see how that helped anything. “Yeah, for now.”

“Doctor, look,” Rory told him.

“Yeah. It's a supply pipe.” The Doctor scanned it with his screwdriver. “Ceramic inner lining. Something corrosive. They're pumping something nasty off this island to the mainland.”

“My mum's a massive fan of Dusty Springfield,” Rory commented.

“Who isn't? Right, let's go. Satisfy our rabid curiosity.”

The Doctor and Amy took off for the steps leading to the monastery. Rory and Elise cautiously followed after them. The steps led to a courtyard.

“So where are these Dusty Springfield loving monks, then?” Amy asked as the Doctor scanned their surroundings.

“I think we're here. This is it.”

“Doctor, what are you talking about? We've never been here before.” Rory said.

“Hmm?”

“We came here by accident?” Amy reminded him.

The Doctor turned to face them. “Accident? Yes, I know. Accident.”

Rory reached out to touch one of the pipes, only to yank his hand back. “Ow!”

“Acid. They're pumping acid off this island. That's old stuff,” the Doctor reassured him, “Fresh acid, you wouldn't have a finger.”

Amy inspected Rory’s hand as the Doctor walked off.

“Intruder alert. Intruder alert.”

The Doctor walked back to them. “There are people coming. Well, almost.”

“Almost coming?” Amy asked.

“Almost people.”

Amy and the Doctor ran off.

“I think we should really be going,” Rory said.

Elise nodded, agreeing with him.

“Come on!” Amy yelled.

“I'm telling you. When something runs towards you, it is never for a nice reason.”

Amy grabbed onto his jacket, pulling him after her.

Elise ran to catch up with them.

They ran into a room full of people in harnesses.

“What are all these harnesses for?” Amy asked.

“The almost people?” Rory guessed.

“What are they, prisoners, or are they meditating, or what?”

“Well, at the moment they fall into the “or” what category,” the Doctor told them.

“Halt and remain calm.”

“Well, we've halted. How are we all doing on the calm front?”

A group of people, the same people in the harnesses, came running into the room. They were all brandishing spears of some kind.

“Don't move!” a man told them.

“Stay back, Jen. We don't know who they are,” another said.

“So let's ask them. Who the hell are you?” Jen asked.

“Well, I'm the Doctor, and this is Amy, Elise, and Rory, and it's all very nice, isn't it?”

“Hold up. You're all. What are you all? Like identical twins?” Amy asked them.

Two people in odd looking suits came down a set of stairs.

“This is an Alpha Grade industrial facility. Unless you work for the military or for Morpeth Jetson, you are in big trouble,” the woman said. She seemed to be in charge.

“Actually, you're in big trouble,” the Doctor said, pulling out his psychic paper.

The woman snatched it out of his hand.

“Meteorological Department? Since when?”

“Since you were hit by a solar wave.”

“Which we survived.”

“Just, by the look of it. And there's a bigger one on the way.”

“Which we'll also survive. Dicken, scan for bugs.”

“Backs against the wall. Now,” one of the men in the orange suits said.

The Doctor, Elise, Amy, and Rory did as they said.

“You're not a monastery, you're a factory. Twenty second century army-owned factory,” the Doctor said.

“You're army?” Amy asked.

Elise smirked as she remembered Amy in Churchill’s bunker.

“No, love. We're contractors, and you're trespassers,” the woman said.

“It's clear, boss,” Dicken told her.

“All right, weatherman, your ID checks out.” She held out the psychic paper as the Doctor came towards her. “If there's another solar storm, what are you going to do about it? Hand out sunblock?”

The Doctor took it from her and laughed. “I need to see your critical systems.”

“Which one?”

“You know which one.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The woman, named Cleaves, led them into room with a vat full of a milky white substance.

“And there you are,” the Doctor said, wonder in his voice.

“Meet the government's worst kept secret,” Cleaves said, “The Flesh. It's fully programmable matter. In fact, it's even learning to replicate itself at the cellular level.”

“Right. Brilliant. Lost,” Amy said.

“Okay. Once a reading's been taken, we can manipulate its molecular structure into anything. Replicate a living organism down to the hairs on its chinny chin chin. Even clothes. And everything's identical. Eyes, voice…”

“Mind, soul?” the Doctor added.

Elise’s eyes met his. She narrowed them, wondering what he was up to. What was he thinking? She knew by the way he was acting that they hadn’t landed there by accident. An idea hit Elise. Was this to do with Amy? She’d seen the Doctor scanning Amy for pregnancy, but the monitor couldn’t make up its mind.

“Don't be fooled, Doctor. It acts like life but it still needs to be controlled by us, from those harnesses you saw,” Cleaves told him.

“Wait, whoa. Hold it. So, you're Flesh now?” Rory asked.

“I'm lying in a harness back in that chamber. We all are, except Jennifer here. Don't be scared. This thing, just like operating a forklift truck.”

“You said it could grow. Only living things grow,” the Doctor said.

“Moss grows. It's no more than that. This acid is so dangerous we were losing a worker every week. So now we mine the acid using these doppelgangers. Or Gangers,” Cleaves explained, “If these bodies get burnt or fall in the acid…”

“Then who the hell cares, right, Jen?” Buzzer, one of the men, asked.

“Nerve endings automatically cut off like airbags being discharged. We wake up and get a new Ganger,” Jennifer said.

Rory nodded, understanding.

“It's weird, but you get used to it,” the other man, Jimmy, commented.

“Jennifer, I want you in your Ganger. Get back to the harness,” Cleaves ordered.

Jennifer left as the Doctor scanned the Flesh.

“Hang on, what's he up to? What you up to, pal?” Buzzer asked.

“Stop it.” The Doctor jerked his hand back and pocketed his screwdriver. “Strange. It was like for a moment there it was scanning me.” He placed his hand on the surface.

“Doctor…Get back, Doctor! Leave it alone,” Cleaves told him.

He finally pulled his hand back. “I understand.”

“Doctor? Are you all right?” Amy asked.

“Incredible. You have no idea. No idea. I mean, I felt it in my mind. I reached out to it, and it to me.”

“Don't fiddle with the money, Doctor,” Cleaves said, her tone patronizing.

“How can you be so blinkered? It's alive. So alive.”

It finally dawned on Elise.

“You're piling your lives, your personalities directly into it.”

There was flash from outside and the monastery shook.

“It's the solar storm. The first waves come in pairs. Pre-shock and fore-shock. It's close,” the Doctor said.

“Buzzer, we got anything from the mainland yet?” Cleaves asked.

“No, the comms are still too jammed with radiation.”

“Okay. Then we'll keep pumping acid until the mainland says stop. Now why don't you stand back and let us impress you?”

Elise did not like Cleaves one bit.

#eleventh doctor #eleventh doctor imagines #eleventh doctor fanfiction #doctor who #Doctor Who fanfiction #doctor who imagine #amy pond #amy pond imagine #Rory Williams #rory williams imagine #the littlest timelord #the littlest timelord: the death of the doctor

[lostinthe-pines-blog]

Family Time pt. 3

PREFACE: This is a fluff piece about MC and Chris on a family visit to Chris’s home in Maine for AJ’s birthday. Some story-lines from the App have been altered. These events are placed between The Junior and what I can only hope will be The Senior.

NOTE: This is a fictional story based on Pixelberry’s Choices App. *Books The Freshman, The Sophomore, The Junior. I am not affiliated with Pixelberry nor do I own the rights to their characters.

“There he his” Chris’s mother beamed closing the door behind her. Ms. Powell or ‘Lily’-as MC had been asked to address her on their last visit- quickly wrapped her son in a hug. MC felt his hand leave hers as he returned his mothers hug. MC’s anxiety flourished at the loss of his touch but the sight of his happiness around his mother calmed her again.

MC loved her own mother, but in her own way. Her mother was a lawyer, a business woman and a professor. Between her three jobs she’d not had much time for a daughter. MC spent most of her upbringing around her father. The relationship between Chris and Lily was foreign to MC.

“And there she is” Lily smiled giving MC a quick hug which she already knew would not be returned. Lily adored MC and the happiness she’d brought into her son’s life. She knew there was a reason MC didn’t show physical affection back to her but Chris had instructed her not to pry about it. Lily’s affection for MC was mutual. MC respected her and trusted her, she even valued her as a human but would push the idea of her being a mother figure aside because the fear of loss was even greater.

“It’s good to see you” MC nods. “How’ve you been”

“I’ve been just wonderful, everything here is the same as before. When was the last time you visited?” Lily said trying to recall “Was it Thanksgiving?”

“Yes! And I’ve been craving those yams ever since” MC laughs.

“Where’s everyone else?” Chris says knowing he’s interrupted.

Lily turns her attention, “Kyle just got his license and is taking AJ out for her birthday dinner. You kept your arrival a secret right?”

Chris and MC had made the long trek to Maine only to surprise the light of Chris’s life, the only girl MC would ever had to compete with, his little sister; AJ. It was her twelfth birthday today and Chris had told her he’d have to miss this year for his football training.

“Of course, I even sent her an apology this morning for not being able to make it early this morning” Chris responded maniacally. “When will they be home?”

“They left about an hour ago so I can only assume they’ll be home soon.” Lily said sweetly getting up and pulling out birthday presents that had been hidden in high cabinets above the fridge.  

“Where’d they go to eat?” MC asked innocently, only the moment the question left her lips she knew the answer “Wait!” she halted their responses “They’re getting lobster right? I remember, it’s tradition!” she smiled happily. Chris and Lily’s smiles confirmed that she was indeed correct. MC felt total happiness wash over her, she’d wished more than anything should could jump back in time and meet Chris’s family in their prime. “Every year someone, and just one someone would take the birthday boy.. Or girl in this case out for lobster dinner! Chris favored his mom taking him, Kyle favors…” MC pauses trying to remember all the conversations her and Chris had had about his brother. “Kyle favors, Grandpa!” she yells “And AJ favors Chris” MC goes silent realizing that is not the case this year. “Oh” she looks at him as Chris’s eyes go sad.

“I can’t take that from my brother this year, it’s his turn to be her big brother I’ll surprise her when she’s home.” As Chris finishes his response they hear the garage door opening.

“Hide!” Lily yells helping them grab their stuff as MC and Chris run up the stairs to Chris’s childhood bedroom.

“Shit! My Car!” Chris yells to his mom “She’s gonna know!”

“I asked you 5 times to park around the corner Christopher!” Lily yells back as the door opens

“Where is he, where is he, where is he!” AJ’s screams as her voice fills the house. AJ sprints around the living room checking her room first. “Not there!” she says slamming the door. She runs to the guest bathroom sliding the shower curtain open. “Nope” she pauses and realizes how foolish she was not to check his room first” AJ runs up the stairs faster than a lightning flash and comes around the corner of the hallway to his room just in time for Chris to catch her in a hug. “You liar” she laughs in the hug burying her face in his shoulder. For AJ this is the best birthday gift anyone could have given her. Adolescents and puberty are creeping into her life, mood swings and attitude. But she could never let all of that affect the way she saw her oldest brother. He was her hero, she’d written multiple elementary school projects about him and had even been teased by her peers that she was ‘in love’ with her brother. “I can’t believe you came!” she says not moving her face from his shirt.

MC can see Chris’s grin bigger than it’s been since their last visit. There’s a glisten in his eyes, tears maybe? He’d hide them before AJ looked at him again. Seeing the way he was around his little sister only made MC love him more. “I’ll leave you alone” MC mouths to Chris before heading back down the stairs to Lily and Kyle.

Kyle stands by the fridge putting leftovers inside and pulling a large cake out. His eyes are tired and face saddened, his hair is much darker than his brothers and it’s long enough to cover his eye in this moment. Kyle’s never been one to speak his feelings, something MC always wanted to relate to him on but never had the strength to talk to him about. She’s never had brothers, or siblings at all for that matter. And Kyle, Kyle always seems a little short when she comes around.

“She loves you too” MC blurts out covering her mouth quickly as her thoughts had come out verbally. Kyle looks at her with a glare “Yeah, I know she’s my sister and I just paid eighty dollars for her dinner” he says sharply slamming the fridge while still perfectly balancing the cake in his other hand. He places it down on the table and goes to get the birthday candles from the cabinet.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean-” MC says before Lily places a hand on her shoulder to stop her.

“Don’t blame yourself MC, he’s always like this when Chris comes around. Just let him run his course” Lily speaks quickly and quietly walking to the kitchen to help her son look for the candles. MC looks up the staircase her eyes pleading for Chris to return. She knew she was socially codependent on him but she didn’t know how bad until now. After a few moments when Chris doesn’t return MC turns her gaze back to Kyle and Lily. Lily whispers to her son, MC can’t hear what's being said but their body language says he’s being punished for what came before.

“Do you need some help” MC asks, though it took all her courage to do so.

“Sure. Take the candles and put them in the cake. She’s 12 not that you or Chris were around for the last year to know that” he says condescendingly.  

“Sure thing” MC says lightly, reaching for the candles.  But in that moment she’s had enough of his attitude. Every time she come to Maine she deals with the hateful comments from the teenager in the house. “Actually, if I may ask” she says doing her best to remain calm and polite. “Why do you hate me so much?”

“I don’t hate you.” Kyle says directly

“So you hate Chris” MC spits back just as directly.

“I guess” Kyle responds in a whisper, he’s never said out loud that he hates his brother and he fears the punishment that will come if he does.

“I don’t think you do” MC continues with her polite tone “You see, I get it. Everytime I call my family they don’t ask how I am, they ask how he is. How is my star football player? When are we gonna get married? When am I bringing him home?” MC finishes and her polite tone turns to annoyance.

Kyle stands in front of her stunned, she’d hit the nail on the head. Every teacher at his school every parent of his friends constantly asked about his brother. But worst of all, every girl he’d ever liked, only liked him for his brother. His tired eyes are bigger and blue than his brothers and they stare back at MC in shock “But don’t you love him?” he asks

“Of course, he’s the greatest thing to ever happen to me, but I’ll say it outloud I wish someone would ask about me for once. I love him for all his accomplishments and his failures and I’ll love him for the rest of my life.  And so will you!” MC spits Chris standing at the top the stairs listening in, but out of view from his brother. “Everytime I come here I watch you treat him disrespectfully. I know he’s great and I’m sure youve heard it a million time right?”

“Right” Kyle grunts

“But your annoyance does not warrant hatred. You know… almost the whole way here Chris told me how you went out for the baseball team last year, that you’d never shown interest in it before that but somehow you ended up the star player. He also told me that you excel in writing and English studies that you’re only going into your junior year and you’re already taking college courses in it. That you’ve expressed interest in Ivy League schools and have held the grades to accomplish it. He loves you and it’s time you start giving that love back”

MC had felt herself getting lost in her world again as she spoke resisting the urge to paint the pictures of Kyle’s success at school. She wanted to shake him and tell him that being a teenager doesn’t last forever and that every moment and emotion you feel counts. He couldn't let all of those emotions be full of jealousy and hate. And most of all he couldn’t let all of his accomplishments only be done to spite his older brother. MC pulls herself out of the moment to see a smile shown on Lily’s face, her son had been put in his place as she’d tried to do so many times before. MC turns to Chris who’s now sitting on the top step with his sister next to him covering her ears; she hated the fighting. His eyes look to MC and they are grateful. He pulls his sisters hands away from her ears and reassures her that it’s over. The tension in the room is thick, MC finds it hard to breathe as her anxiety forms again. She’d never spoke like that to her family, she’d only ever been spoken too in that way. And now she’d spoken so openly around a family who did nothing but love each other. She’d accused a member of that family and though she was right she couldn’t feel it. She breathes in and out as the seconds seem to last for minutes. She can feel her emotions taking over as her eyes glaze over.

“I’m ready for cake” AJ says stomping down the stairs and cutting the silence. She goes immediately next to Kyle. “you got me this cake right?” she asks.

Kyles eyes full of anger turn only kind when he talks to his sister “Uh, yeah.. Happy Birthday AJ” he responds trying to shake the feeling of regret. He knows what MC said is true but something in him wants to be right, he wants to feel right for treating Chris poorly. He can’t own up to his actions. “Let me just light the candles” he says staring at his hand full of candles that MC never took from him. He places them in the cake and heads to the garage for a lighter. They only have a few moments before he returns.

“Thank you MC,” Lily says instantly looking to MC. “That wasn't easy for you but thank you.” she finishes there and turns to her daughter. Her body language instantly changes the tone of the room. “So what are you gonna wish for AJ?” she asks. MC tunes out of their conversation still standing in one place. She’s been breathing in and out deeply and quietly. She’s been clasping her hands squeezing them tight pushing them off one another for minutes now. She’s on the brink of a full fledged anxiety attack. She looks up when she feels Chris grab her hands.

“Thank you” he mouths to her and kisses her forehead for a long moment. He feels her hands sweating and shaking. Though quiet he can even hear her deep breaths. “You’re okay MC” he whispers softly moving his hands from hers and wrapping them around her tightly.  Chris was the only person who could pull MC out of her world once she got in it, if she was in her head no matter good or bad Chris could bring her back. She looks up at him mustering a smile. Their eyes connect and the conversations between them begin. No words being spoken but Chris suddenly understands. Her fears on a tight knit family were hard for Chris to wrap his head around but he tried for her. 

“Got it” Kyle says returning with a bright smile, he’s clearly readjusted his attitude for his sister. His best birthday gift to her. He lights the candles quickly and everyone gathers around the table. They sing happy birthday all together their voices completely out of tune but it doesn’t matter to AJ she’s just happy to have everyone there.

#choices #play choices #mc x chris #the freshman fan fiction #chris powell #famtimechoicesmcc #choices fan fiction

[taenys]

tw: sexual assault/rape

just felt like talking about my high school experience ‘cause a tv show triggered an old memory and i need to vent! mainly for myself!

spring of 2009, my first and only high school boyfriend sexually assaulted me. he held me down. chased me when i ran away. violently yanked the blanket off of me when i tried to hide my forcibly naked body from view. pulled me out from under the bed and flipped me over so i was face down on the carpet. i can picture every moment so clearly, but those are the ones that really....stick out. it was a phone call from my sister telling me she’d be coming home from work soon that got him to leave. we couldn’t be caught, you see. i wasn’t allowed to date so our relationship had to be a “secret.” 

i was the quiet, weird, loner girl who’s only friends were a gay goth and a horse girl. i was an easy target for a confident football playing jock who ruled the school. he bullied me at school as a way to maintain our cover, and i was okay with that because A) i desperately wanted to be loved, wanted to experience the romance i’d read in books and seen in movies and i’d never experienced someone actually having a “crush” on me because i was ugly and weird and B) I grew up very isolated in a religious cult that told me dating without the intention of marriage and with someone outside of the religion was a one way ticket to eternal damnation.

so yeah, it seemed to be in my best interest to keep our relationship a secret, and if that meant he and his friends could laugh at me and call me an ugly nerd every now and again at school, then so be it. it was all pretend because in secret he actually “liked” me and thought i was “cute.” i didn’t even tell my 2 best friends that i was “dating” him. he, on the other hand, kept his very large friend group well informed of our status throughout. just how well informed, i didn’t find out about until after i graduated. 

but anyways, after the assault (which was about 6 months into us being an item) i did end it. i could not physically be near him after that. but i still had to see him at school for a few months, though summer was soon approaching, so i did my best to avoid him. his friends really piled on the bullying in those last months though. i guess he’d told them all that Krystal the Loser dumped him, and they could not for the life of them understand how that could be. i blocked out most of the “ugly bitch” comments. i was running on autopilot trying to get out of that hell hole as quickly as possible. one of his close female friends even came up to me just to brag about how he’d tried to sleep with her multiple times while he was “dating” me because i wouldn’t “put out,” but that she felt sorry for me so she “resisted.” i didn’t care. i didn’t care about anything anymore at that point. i reached a point emotionally and mentally where i stopped feeling anything. i let my grades fall. i gave up on school all together. but it was okay because i was gonna be 16 and it was my dad’s dream for me to graduate early by taking my GED and getting right into college.

once summer came, i was free. i didn’t have to see any of those people. the nightmare was over!!! except...it wasn’t. 2010 came, i was settling into online college life, i had discovered kpop and found a reason to Feel and Live again and i was...okay. i felt okay with life. kpop was a HUGE reason for that. the friends i had began to make on here were a massive reason for that as well. i’ll never forget those first friends i made...serene...marine...anne...ANYWAYS, time went on and i moved on...mostly. i still used facebook regularly and saw what everyone in high school was up to. and then one day my best friend from high school, the gay goth, sent me this message:

He’d actually shown people our, or should i say MY text messages, private intimate things i’d said and shared when we were “dating.”15 year old virgin krystal never knew what the fuck she was doing in this relationship, i’d never watched porn, sex scared me even before he assaulted me, i just wanted to experience my first fucking kiss, to hold hands with someone i was in love with, cute shit like that. but of course that wasn’t going to be enough after a while for someone like him. these things that i'd said that i thought were special and romantic at the time were being shared around and laughed at. people were laughing at me. haha look at the shit that nerdy loser krystal used to text me hahahahaha hilarious. no doubt made more hilarious since most people never knew we were secretly dating at the time. i just became the ugly loner girl who was sending sexts to the popular jock because she had some hopeless pathetic crush. i could live with that. what i could NOT live with though was what else i learned.

days after i got some messages from other high school acquaintances telling me that they’d heard there were nudes of me on his phone. one girl was very “umm ewww is it true you sent ***** nudes? i heard from *insert one of his friend’s names here* that you did and he’s seen them.” i got about 3 or 4 myspace messages (yeah, MYSPACE...shudder) from people informing me of that they’d heard photos of me were being shared. people were seeing them. people were talking about them. my 15 year old bra pics were the talk of the school. and i went from being an invisible nobody to the school’s biggest slut. thank FUCK i didn’t actually go to high school anymore. 

guys are assholes. guys who show their friends their girlfriend’s nudes are the worst kind of asshole. truly. i know he wasn’t printing out copies of my pictures and taping them up on walls or even mass texting them to other people because the pictures themselves would’ve reached me eventually. they never did. but that act...the sharing of my messages and photos worst of all was such a......horrific violation. i was violated in so many fucking ways. emotionally, mentally, physically, and no one cared. not a single person cared. the messages i got were all “you’re fucked up” or “why would you do that?” and not a single person questioned why he’d share those things. did he want to make sure everyone hated me and thought i was a disgusting slut in the event i told people that he’d raped me? that way they’d all be on his side and think i’m just an obsessed freak who wouldn’t leave him alone. well, i didn’t tell anyone. 

it’s been ten years though. i’ve healed. i’ve mended. i’m in a really good place in my life right now. i’m able to talk about these things. remember them. write about them. and feel okay about it. it helps. it really does. i had suppressed the memory of my nudes and texts being shared throughout the high school. just last night i watched a show that had a scene of a high school guy showing his friends a nude picture of his girlfriend and one of the friends calling him out on how fucked up that is to do. and it triggered that memory. i felt really sick and panicky so i needed to write it down. i could only find that one facebook message from my former friend since my myspace is long gone and so are any old text messages. but it was very...validating to do that. to see that and remember that and to think of where i am now in life. i didn’t kill myself when i wanted to. i didn’t stop believing in love. i didn’t give up on myself. 

i have bad days, of course. days where i think about all the destructive things i did do after all of that happened and how “gross” i am for it. i think about the lingering mental illness that i’ll likely have to live with (the hypersexuality). days where i hate my body, my weight, my face, i’m back in school and i’m the ugly kid boys laugh at because who would ever have a crush on ME (that trauma started in elementary). but then i have good days. i have fun with my family. with my friends. with thomas. the people around me make me feel safe and secure and good about myself. maybe not so much my dad....but i at least have everyone else. i have a solid support unit and that’s truly the most important thing. it’s really what keeps me going every day

i don’t know if this post had a point other than to vent and document a piece of trauma i had buried. that’s what diaries are for, and ya’ll know this blog has always been that place for me :’)

#personal

[crankpendletonplays-blog]

Numb-Jughead Jones

Pairing: Jughead x Reader

Description:

Protective jughead x reader where shes a csa victim and self harms as a coping mechanism & he finds out and comforts her when she's triggered by something & expresses his feelings for her? if youre uncomfortable with this feel free to change it/say no but could you do a jughead imagine where he and reader are besties but she hides her depression because she knows about his home situation. he knows something is up and somehow catches her hurting herself one day and gets angry but explains hes mad because he cares about her and she kept it from him when he coulda tried to help and ends with them as a couple somehow? Fluffy angst? Love your writing so much, and thanks for considering Hey! Just a small request for JugheadxReader where the reader self harms and he comforts them :) thank you! Had all of these in my inbox so I thought I’d combine them and make them one big imagine! Hope you guys enjoy this!! Warnings: Self-Inflicted harm, mentions of self-inflicted harm, mentions of mentality disorders, violence, mentions of rape/sexual assault, pg-13, Mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts.

------------------------------------------------------------------------ If there’s one thing I’ve come to terms with in my 16 years of living, it’s that the older you get, the more this façade you’ve built of the world as a child slowly crumbles at your feet, until everything is gray. I mean, you see color, obviously. The sun is yellow, the sky is blue, the grass is green, nothing new there. It’s more like, everything feels gray. The leaves aren’t as vibrant as they used to be, the perfect white picket fences suddenly look chipped and decayed, almost like it had been that way all along, and everything was wearing a mask. You also learn that everybody around you wears a mask as well. Nobody is as happy or as great as they claim to be anymore, and some hide it well compared to others. I was one of those people.

My childhood had been pretty normal up until middle school. That’s when everything kind of went to shit. My dad left my family, my grandma died, and my cousin died in a drunk driving accident all in one year. I was also bullied at school a lot, and ended up being jumped by a group of kids when I was walking home alone in eighth grade. I laid in the alley way for what felt like hours, just staring up at the sky while all the kids beat me and did unspeakable things to my body until I couldn’t even feel it anymore. They eventually left me for dead until by some miracle, Jason Blossom had been walking home from his football practice and found me. My older brother was friends with him, and he was considered a part of my family. He went to Riverdale, the same high school that awaited me that next summer after I left middle school.

I still don’t know how Jason managed to do it, but he had carried me five miles to the town’s hospital, where my mom and brother had been waiting. My mom burst in to tears when she saw me covered in blood and grime in the older boy’s arms. I remembered her asking me simple questions, like who the president was, and what year it was. I didn’t even have the energy to answer her. I was numb.

That was the day the sun turned gray for me.

Of course, there was a whole legal battle. My mom tried to press charges and get everybody involved arrested, but the only thing they had were a few witnesses, and a few items two of the people had dropped. The most we could do was get a restraining order on the worst of them, but it didn’t help much. My older brother made me write down every single name, and I made him promise not to hurt any of them. He obviously didn’t, because the next day he, Jason, and my best friend Jughead came back to the hospital with bruises and cuts, and when I asked they told me not to worry about it.

A month later I was attacked again by one of the boys in the exact same alley way. He caught me alone walking home again, late in the evening. I tried to scream and yell, but no words left my mouth as I did my best to get him away from me. The feeling of your clothes being torn of your body and unfamiliar hands touching you in the most horrific ways is by far the second worst feeling in the world, the first being having your virginity ripped away from you at 14 years old by a horny high school boy who didn’t care about the consequences. It’s a feeling that makes you unable to feel anything at all except broken and numb.

I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and depression a year later, to follow with my insomnia. I was handed pill bottle after pill bottle, handed to doctor after doctor, took test after test, none of it mattered though. None of it could fix me. None of it could erase what the boy did to me, or how all he got was a slap on the wrist after leaving me half naked and cold in an alley way after leaving his semen all in between my legs

I started self-harming because I wanted to feel again. I wanted to hurt. I wanted to feel pain, I wanted to feel the sting of the blade on my skin, or the blood running down my arms, something, anything, but I couldn’t. I was just numb.

I was good at hiding it though. I was good at faking a smile, and making everyone think I was ok. I was good at pretending to be happy and avoiding the elephant in the room just like everyone else did.

Jughead and I had made a promise with each other a long time ago to not keep secrets from each other. I knew that. Of course I felt bad about lying to him, but I was keeping this from him for his sake, or, at least I tried to convince myself that this was my “logical explanation” for it. Jughead had too much on his plate to handle me as well. Hell, he had the fucking sheriff on his trail, accusing him of murdering the guy that saved my life,

My thighs burned as the fresh cuts rubbed against the short jean fabric, but I still didn’t feel pain. Of course, it physically hurt, but only my thigh. My chest was still numb in the place where my heart rested, beating and thumping against my ribs, but lacking any feeling. I was mentally numb from head to toe.

I paced up the bridge, heaving my body up until I was standing in the middle, looking out over the edge of Sweetwater river. I looked over the ledge, the water running and swirling through the creek calmly, the jagged rocks pointing up at me, almost beckoning me to pull myself up on to the concrete ledge and fall to their doom. If I couldn’t feel anything in life, maybe l could feel something in death.

I pulled myself up on the ledge, sitting and swinging my legs so they dangled over the water dangerously. I wasn’t scared. I don’t know if that surprised me or not.

I pulled out my phone, texting Jughead twice before shoving my phone back in my pocket.

“How do you stop somebody from making a bad decision?” “I’m at the bridge.”

I looked out at river for what felt like years, thinking about everything and nothing all at once. Would anyone even really care if I was dead? Do I even matter?

Of course people would care. My family would care, Jughead would care.

But for how long?

Would I even leave a dent, or a hole, or a mark on people’s lives if I was dead? Or I would just be another case of a tragic fucked up teen who didn’t get the help they needed in time?

Whatever, it didn’t matter.

None of it mattered anymore.

I couldn’t even feel it.

I sighed, pulling myself up so I was standing on the ledge. I took a deep breath, looking out at the water. I could almost hear Jughead’s voice in the back of my head, screaming at me to stop, begging and pleading me not to do this.

It was almost like he was here.

Wait. Was he?

I turned my head to look over my shoulder, seeing the boy sprint toward me wildly. Had we not been in this particular situation. I probably would have been laughing my ass of and making a snarky comment about how I had never seen him run before.

I froze.

Holy shit, he was running. He never runs.

I turned back around, looking down at the edge once more. I shuffled forward quickly so the only things left on the concrete were the backs of my high tops, before holding my arms out and beginning to lean forward.

Everything that happened next felt like those slow mo scenes in Matrix, where Keanu Reeves dodges bullets like a fucking badass, except this time, there were no bullets. Just me, falling to my death, and Jughead’s arms wrapping around my torso and pulling me off the ledge, the both of us stumbling and falling on to the cemented bridge.

For the first time in a long time, I felt things again.

I felt Jughead’s arm wrapped tightly around my waist. I felt his hand on my thigh, his fingers flat against the bright red cuts and faded scars that littered my skin there. I felt his head on my shoulder, and his hair against my neck.

And I felt fear.

I felt the fear of what I had just done, what I was getting ready to do. I felt the pain of the cuts and bruises on my body. I felt the pain of what those people had done to me and my body.

I turned in Jughead’s arms, my body wrapping itself around his instinctively. Both of our faces were wet when he shoved his lips on to mine, our tears mixing together as they feel freely down our faces. The pain, fear, and hurt that I had felt in those ten seconds were immediately replaced with new feelings.

Love.

Happiness.

Hope.

Faith.

For the first time in forever, I finally felt something. I wasn’t numb, or cold because I felt something bigger than that. I felt love.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, or at risk of suicide, please call the number 1-800-273-8255. This is not the end. You will never not matter. People do love you and you will leave a dent in their lives. Don’t give a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

#jughead jones #TRIGGER WARNING #riverdale #kj apa #archie andrews #betty cooper #lili reinhart #veronica lodge #cami mendes #cole sprouse #casey cott #kevin keller #madeleine petsch #ross butler #reggie mantle #Cheryl blossom #Josie and the pussycats #multifandom blog #multifandom imagines