#i really never see genderqueer ocs like mallie in this fandom so.... i wanted to just explore his dysphoria in this tbh

[a-gay-bloodmage]

—Sera Was Having None of This—

Pairing: Platonic Sera x Male-Genderqueer Trevelyan, Minor/Background Blackwall x Male-Genderqueer Trevelyan

Pairing Type: M/F, Minor M/M

Words: 2,425 

Warnings: Body Dysmorphia/Gender Dysphoria, Medieval European Society Has No Word for Being Genderqueer and It's Frustrating, Mallory Still Wouldn't Use They/Them Pronouns Though, He's Still Pretty Binary in all honesty, You Pry This MlM and WlW Friendship From My Cold Dead Hands

Mallory had fallen into another depression. Well, not exactly another, but today it was worse than it'd been in a few weeks.

Ink smudged on his hand from writing in such an exhausted state, not used to having to notify people whenever he'd be out of commission for a while. All the energy seemed to be drained out of him, making the simple task of penning a few letters like crossing a mountain.

He waited for the ink to dry, eyes stuck on an open wine bottle on his nightstand.

No, he told himself. Not today. Please, Maker, Mallory, not today. He rested his face on the desk, cheek pressed against the wood. As much as he ached to drink and forget, he knew that it'd make things worse like this. He didn't have anybody to hold him back from poisoning himself with every drop of alcohol in his room—and there was certainly no shortage.

After a few more minutes of lying half on the desk, he brought himself to finally pin the note to his door, careful to make sure nobody saw him do so. He looked awful today.

"Please, do not disturb me. I am not feeling well and wish to get some rest! Thank you." It was signed with a little heart.

He all but crawled his way back up the stairs, shedding the thin blanket he'd wrapped himself in as he slid into the thick covers of his bed, tucking a large pillow between his legs and against his chest as he curled up into himself. The room was dark—curtains drawn to block out the light—but it wasn't dark enough. He could still see his hands. Any view of his flesh made him sick.

He drew the covers over his head and tried to cry out his illness.

• • ♡ • •

Sera was having none of this.

She read the note and decided that if the door was locked, she was going through Mallie's window.

She jumped onto the Inquisitor's porch, trying to ignore the fact that she'd nearly fallen a few steps back. Skyhold should really do something about its loose bricks. She knocked a couple times, waiting for Mallie to open up. Surely she wouldn't ignore knocking if it came from someone willing to scale a wall to talk.

It made Sera uneasy when Mallie didn't answer. The shut doors, the curtains covering the windows, and that note on the door all spelled trouble.

"Inky! Let me in!" No response. "I'm gonna pick your lock!" No response. "Mallie! Mallie-Mallie-Mallie!" No response.

Fuck it, she thought, pulling out a pin. I'm going in. She set to picking the locked door.

Mallie didn't respond as Sera flung open her door. The light weakly spilled into the dark room, and Sera could see the lump curled up on the bed. Despite being under a layer or three of blankets, she could tell Mallie was all curled up and pathetic.

"Mallie?" Sera went to the side of her bed, leaning forward and pressing her hands into the mattress. "Come on, what's wrong?" No response. "You drunk again?" If Mallie wasn't fighting the Breach or camping in the wilderness, she was drunk. Sera tried not to think of the implications of her habit.

"No. Go away, Sera. I don't feel good." Her tone was dangerously... wet. Like she'd been crying. A lot.

"Should I go get a healer?" She bent down slightly to be on eye-level with the blankets.

"No."

"Nonsense, dummy!" She reached forward and yanked back the covers. "Come on, fresh air!" Mallie was curled around a pillow, naked except for her loose boy-breeches. It was still weird seeing her without her makeup and tits. "Ugh, you look like shit." Mallie's eyes were red-rimmed from crying, and she was covered in a nervous sweat.

"That's why I don't want anybody fucking seeing me," she hissed, yanking the covers back over her head. "Fuck off, I'm sick."

"You depressed again?" Sera asked, pulling up the covers to look at the Inquisitor again. Mallie yanked the blankets back down over her head.

"I'm always depressed."

"No you're not," Sera smiled, jumping up onto the bed. She kicked off her shoes. "You're usually all peppy and shit."

"Still depressed, idiot," Mallie groaned. "Please, just- just leave me alone to die."

"Nope, you're not dying on my watch," she said, flopping down so that she was lying on the bed, staring at where Mallie's face was beneath the blankets. "Tell me what's wrong, dummy." She pulled the blankets up just enough to peer into the darkness, her elven eyes allowing her to see Mallie's pretty blue ones.

"Nothing, now leave." She didn't yank the blankets this time.

"Nope. Staying." Sera wiggled a little closer. "Come on, tell me what's wrong, maybe cry a little, and then we can go do fun stuff. Make you less sad." Mallie's eyes were trained on the pillow she was hugging. "We can go drinking," she offered. She huffed at Mallie's lack of response. "Really? You always wanna drink, boozer."

"Sera, stop," she choked out. "I don't wanna do anything. I don't wanna go out where people'll see me. I-" She cut herself off as she began to choke on held-back tears, lasting only a few seconds before burying her face in her wet pillow and beginning to sob. "I just want to be alone..."

"Mallie, come on..." Sera hated having such a weird friend, sometimes. Not the whole sorta-lady man thing, but the fact that yesterday, Mallie was so happy. She was drinking, and laughing, and just being happy. Mallie was so much better when she was happy. But then there were days like this, where she was sobby and depressed, locking herself away and just wallowing in misery. Of course she and Beardy are in love. They're both dumb sad-sacks.

"Sera, please, I feel awful..."

"But why?" Sera frowned at her. "You're not sick, and nothing bad happened yesterday. We were, like, sealing breaches and killing demon stuff."

"Doesn't matter," she muttered, face still buried in her gross, soaked pillow. "I feel like shit because I am shit, Sera."

"No you're not," Sera laughed. It was ridiculous to think Mallie wasn't amazing.

"Yes I am!" Her muscled arms gripped her pillow even tighter, her biceps shaking with the strain. "I'm so- so stupid and I'm wrong and I'm just- just-" A scream was hardly muffled by her pillow. Sera flinched, inhaling sharply though her teeth.

"Mallie!" She instinctively reached out and grabbed Mallie's quivering shoulder. "What is wrong with you?"

"I'm what's wrong with me!" Her pretty pink nails looked like they were about to break into the pillow. "I'm so fucking wrong!" Sera didn't know what to say. "Maker, I'm so fucking wrong..."

"No, you're not," Sera repeated, soft and nervous against the heavy sadness that seemed to emanate from the Inquisitor. "Maker, Mallie, what's wrong?"

"I can't even explain it," she muttered, still not showing her face. "I just can't."

"Try then," Sera said, instinctively shrugging. "Won't know how to help 'til you tell me, stupid." Sera internally cringed at calling the crying mess an idiot again. Whoops.

"I hate this body," she said, her tears slightly quieter, but still seeming to strangle her. "It's wrong. It hurts."

Sera puffed out a cheek, squeezing one of Mallie's well-built biceps. "You're all strong and pretty and shit."

"I don't wanna be a girl," she sobbed, the sudden, odd statement throwing Sera off.

And yet you spend your whole life putting on makeup and dresses, Sera thought. Sure, Mallie had mentioned before that she wasn't all-the-way-girly, but she still liked being called a she and dressing the part. And now you tell me that's wrong?

"I don't want a cunt and I don't want real tits, but-" She groaned into her pillow. "But I want the rest and I- I don't know..."

"So you want to be a girl with man bits," Sera said, smiling at Mallie, even if the Inquisitor couldn't see her. "Why's that making you cry, Inky?"

"I just, I... I just feel wrong," she said, finally lifting her eyes from the pillow, wiping at them with shaking hands. "I probably sound absolutely mad."

"Yeah, but I always knew you were mad," Sera laughed, rolling her eyes. She could only hope that Mallie didn't think that she was being insensitive. She just wasn't someone who knew how to be mushy-gushy sweet and sentimental.

"Sera, I get that you're trying" Mallie sighed, "but you don't get it. I can't-" She looked away from Sera, messy, silky blonde hair falling every which way across her freckled face. "I don't want to be a man. I don't want to be a woman. But I want to have... stuff from both." She bit down on her lip, whining.

"Should I go get, like, Krem or something? He's all mixed up, too," Sera suggested. She really didn't really know what else to say.

Mallie shook her head. "No he's not. He knows that he's a man. I'm... lost, I guess." 

Lost was a hard word to hear coming from Mallie. Before Sera knew about what was under her skirt, the Inquisitor was one of the most fun people she'd known, even if she had her off days. She always wore a full face of makeup, pretty outfits, and her hair was always in perfect styles. She was girly and dumb and giggly, but she could drink as much as Bull. She was never lost.

Even if it wasn't a total lie, knowing that Mallie was putting on a show of happiness for everyone made Sera hurt. It hurt her to see Mallie hurt. Mallie didn't deserve to hurt.

"You're not going to get better just by lying here," Sera whispered. Her small, rough hand squeezed Mallie's shoulder. "At least get up or something. You smell like sweat and... sad." She pursed her lips. "What happened to roses and hard liquor?" She grinned when Mallie smiled, even if it was pretty damn slight.

"You're going to be the fucking death of me," she groaned, shifting around in her bed to move the pillow away from her front.

"Based on what I just witnessed, I think you're going to be the death of you."

"Eh, probably," Mallie responded, rolling her eyes. She reached over, wrapping a big, wonderfully muscled arm around Sera's thin elven body. Sera struggled against the hold half-heartedly, still not accustomed to the bare, masculine embrace, but not wanting to leave Mallie's side. The Inquisitor mumbled something out, quiet and basically inaudible.

"Huh?"

"I said thanks," she said. "I didn't think anyone would bother with this... stuff." Mallie's body was toastier than a piping hot kettle, the comforters of her bed obviously stifling in their heat. Mallie didn't seem to mind. She had often bitched about the fact that Ferelden was far colder than the Northern Marcher city she was from. "It surprises me how okay you are with all this."

"Why wouldn't I be?" She laughed. "The sky is shitting demons and I live in a tavern in a castle now! You can cry over being a not-man-not-girl-in-between-something-or-another! It's not the weirdest thing that's happened this week!" She turned over to smile at Mallie's soft, freckled face. "Did you know the friggin' tavern bard wrote a song about me? That's weird!"

"That's why you should never sleep with an artist!" Mallie was smiling. "And I heard that song, too! What was it? Her tongue tells tales of rebellion?" She was laughing, wiping away at a tear that ran down her freckles. "Fucking brilliant!" She shook her head, grinning. "Maker's tits, Sera, how do you always manage to cheer my sorry ass up?"

"I'm just that good," she said, smirking. "Your depressed butt can't handle my goodness."

"Right about that," Mallie said, poking Sera's cheek. "Thanks again, though."

"Stop with the thanks!" Sera groaned. "Friends cheer friends up. It's a friend thing! I'm just being... friendly."

"Friendly is an oddly casual word for pulling me from the dredges of self-hatred and disgust," Mallie laughed. "Most people don't bother trying to understand."

Sera shrugged. "I'm kinda nice when I wanna be," she said. "You deserve to be treated nice, you dumb, blonde bastard."

"Oh, shut it, you dumb, blonde bastard." The two of them quickly dissolved into snort-laced giggles.

They ended up just lying there, at ease with one another's presence. Sera always liked having friends who weren't touchy-feely, who gave her space but weren't obsessed with being uptight or proper. Mallie was different. She was so painfully obsessed with touching and feeling and hugging and kissing it was a miracle not everyone in the Inquisition had smudges of her makeup on them. Sera had at first been scared of it, not used to a girl wanting to cuddle her while just being friends. It was weird having a close friend pick her up in a hug and kiss her on the cheek, leaving behind bruised lungs and pink prints on her face. Closeness was weird. But Mallie was so weird that the weirdness was just another part of Mallie that Sera considered her friend.

When she looked over, she noticed that Mallie had fallen asleep, long lashes resting quietly on wet, freckled cheeks. Breathing softly and just existing as a person. Maybe she was dreaming about something. Probably her beardy boyfriend. Sera wasn't sure why someone would want to sleep with a man who smelled like a barn and had hair that probably scratched during kisses, but Mallie seemed to like him. He made her happy, so that meant he was really good. He was pretty funny, too, when he wanted to be.

"I hope you feel better," Sera whispered, smiling over at Mallie. "When you wake up, we'll bake some us cookies, alright?" She knew Mallie couldn't hear her. She didn't really care. A promise was more a promise when it was said out loud. And she really wanted to go bake cookies with Mallie—even if neither of them were good at baking. It was just fun. And they could sit on Sera's roof and throw the burnt cookies at guards and birds, too. That was always fun.

Maybe Mallie would feel better someday. Maybe she wouldn't. But, no matter what, Sera would be there. Because friends were friends no matter how weird.

#hmm yes i liked this one #purely self-indulgent fic for friendship and character building #i really never see genderqueer ocs like mallie in this fandom so.... i wanted to just explore his dysphoria in this tbh #original content #dragon age #dragon age inquisition #fanfiction #da inquisitor #mallory trevelyan #da sera #friendship #hurt/comfort #fanficiton #i myself am not genderqueer but i did do a lot of research into this and thought about a lot of my trans friends and their experiences #and the problem i have with mallie is that despite the fact that he actually does enjoy being male and the body he has it's so tangled up #with all his femininity and the gender roles of the society he lives in (''you have to masculine to be male'' bullshit) #and his love for femininity is as much a part of his existence as his appreciation for his male anatomy #and he really does enjoy being male on occasion but not to the extent where he would enjoy at all living full time as a male #he's not a trans woman but he's not cis.... he lives in an annoying grey area he can't figure out #and without his group of trans/gq/gnc friends from ansburg he's in bad shape since he has nobody who just understands what's wrong #thankfully sera's a good girl who takes a lot of shit in stride