#i love making up/changing names into some random bullshit. it's soooo fun. i love my little world and the little guys in it. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

livingasaghost · 3 years

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okay so i always see a bunch of ridiculous aftg headcanons soooo i decided to put my hat in the ring and try it out

this is all about the foxes and their chaotic as hell groupchats

so let’s imagine for a second that this series doesn’t take place in the early 2000s so smart phones exist

periodically the foxes have exchanged numbers with each other - obviously each of the cliques can contact each other, but then throughout that first year there are little things that cause people to give out their numbers

like at some point nicky lets it slip that he’s having trouble with his stats class and out of the blue allison offers to meet up with him because she’s surprisingly like really great at math? so the two of them start up a little text chain where they just shit talk everyone and start a few random bets

and then dan gets katelyn’s number from one of the other vixens and the two of them initially just start texting about game details...which turns into bonding over make-up and girl talk and eventually dan starts inviting katelyn to hang out with her and the fox girls

at first renee is the only one who has everyone’s number because she’s the only one who everyone likes

but then after their big win, renee just puts everyone in one massive groupchat so no one gets left out and they can all bond and it’s just as chaotic as one would expect

at first everyone’s just trying to figure out who’s who, but not everyone has an iphone so all the iphone users are really pissed off at the green bubbles

aaron’s the only one with an android because of course he is

he refuses to switch to an iphone even when the rest of the team BEGS him to bc he “doesn’t see the point”

for the whole summer after neil’s first year, the team keeps trying to pressure him and andrew into upgrading their phones because the team is so sick of what it’s doing to the groupchat

neil doesn’t really know how it all works because he’s still getting used to having a phone and having friends to text, but then everyone starts sending him emojis that don’t show up properly and his phone won’t load any photos they send and the rest of the foxes are so FRUSTRATED bc neil doesn’t seem to notice

eventually, in a shocking turn of events, andrew gets so fed up with the chaos of everyone texting his flip phone that he’s the one who gives in

he shows up at the dorm one day and just hands neil a little baggie with his new iphone

they’re just starting to get it set up when nicky strolls in and IMMEDIATELY takes over, showing neil all about emojis and changing your phone background and saving all the fox contacts

neil is, unsurprisingly, very overwhelmed and slightly terrified, so andrew reaches over and does it all for him, and nicky just looks put out

it takes neil like six months to change any of his contacts or backgrounds or settings because he just doesn’t care

eventually he does manage to set his lockscreen to a really bad photo he took of andrew when he wasn’t paying attention

andrew notices it one day and chooses not to say anything

(he secretly loves it)

when the groupchats start heating up.......neil realizes it’s kind of fun to have a smart phone because it feels like the foxes are with him all the time

after neil and andrew get iphones, the rest of the team decide to make a separate groupchat for just apple users bc no one really texts aaron regularly anyway

at first it’s just a place where people drop details about practices

dan shares news from wymack and abby and then kevin starts giving orders about what the foxes can do better

and somehow that is the tipping point

because everyone hates when kevin starts talking exy

(except neil)

so everyone jumps on him and it’s the perfect icebreaker

nicky is the obnoxious one who sends a ridiculous amount of emojis and gifs and reaction images (neil never knows where he finds them all) - he also sends the most tiktoks. usually ones that are super inappropriate or just plain stupid.

allison texts a lot because she’s always attached to her phone ready for the tea and sometimes she’ll send a really raunchy meme just to spice things up

neil doesn’t really know what’s going on half the time - and he never really scrolls up to see what he’s missed - so if and when he does respond, it’s usually just to ask clarifying questions or give a thumbs up

matt is the one who always checks in to make sure everyone’s doing okay - he’ll send really encouraging texts that people like andrew shit on

one time matt sends everyone a really sweet text over the holidays about how much they mean to him....and then dan just kicks him out of the gc and goes “okay enough of that bullshit i hate u guys xoxo” and andrew gives it a thumbs up

sometimes when he’s bored andrew will just kick out everyone but renee and neil bc why not

kevin is the one who gets kicked out the most

sometimes it’s because he texts about exy, but eventually it just becomes a running joke that they’ll kick him out randomly

like they’ll be in the middle of a conversation and then allison will just boot him out of the gc just to see what he’ll do

usually when this happens kevin will just send an angry message in one of the other gcs telling neil to add him back

it’s usually neil or renee who adds someone back bc they feel bad that people get left out of the gc

renee has this weird obsession with tiktok and she sends them CONSTANTLY like usually they remind her of certain teammates

she’ll send these at all hours of the night bc she has trouble sleeping and that means more time to scroll through the app from hell

and even though it gets on everyone’s nerves, no one can hate renee so they all just kind of....watch the videos and then everyone’s obsessed with tiktok

dan will send memes and things but only when they’re like so ridiculously funny that they get the whole gc wheezing at midnight on a school night

and usually they’re SO ridiculous that they only make sense to dan

“Dan you do realize we have practice tomorrow?”

“matt shut up this girl is talking like MARGE SIMPSON I CANT BREATHE”

most of the foxes text without proper capitalization or punctuation but matt and kevin and neil (and aaron) are all very proper with their texting

dan makes fun of matt all the time bc he doesn’t seem like the kind of person to Use Proper English but matt doesn’t understand why everyone can’t just use capitals when it’s automatic (he doesn’t know how to turn it off)

neil uses proper grammar just bc it doesn’t occur to him to do anything else

andrew uses lowercase bc it reads like a monotone to him and he thinks it’s ~cool~ and he also likes making kevin mad

sometimes he’ll use the wrong punctuation and grammar on purpose just to get kevin to reply to his texts

eventually nicky realizes he can change the group name and the group photo so he starts the most chaotic conversation by dramatically changing it to a snapchat screenshot of neil asleep on andrew’s lap and calling the gc SEXY EXY BESTIES 👅💦

it stays like that for all of two minutes before kevin notices and quickly changes the name to The Foxes

and then it becomes a free for all as everyone tries to be smart and snarky and ridiculous

stans of kevin’s left hand

the foxwhore court

🧡 Neil Josten Fanclub 🧡

life’s like a game of exy🥍

periodically throughout the week someone will change the name as they see fit - normally it’s something stupid but sometimes they’ll start an actual conversation by changing the group name

The Ungrateful Foxes

fuck you kevin

Guys plz be nice to Kevin

YOU KNOW, I GET IT—

The Worst Team in the NCAA

fuck you kevin

GO TO SLEEP NEIL!!!

one time after they’d spent like two weeks being called wymack’s whores, andrew decided he’d had enough of that so he just renamed it 🖕🏻🦊

and they do have a separate gc with wymack (they just don’t need to bother him with all their shitty commentary)

but funny enough, they’re almost worse in the wymack gc

at first wymack tried to control everyone by kicking people out who misbehaved, but then it just kept happening until it was him, kevin and renee left and he had to let it go

now all the foxes will text him at the most random times with the most random of questions

they also have a running joke where they all call him dad

kevin hates it, but wymack secretly thinks it’s hilarious and sweet

“hey dad can we get pizza after practice tomorrow???”

“dad nicky’s being a bitch can you make him run extra laps”

“WAIT DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT WYMACK IS KEVIN’S ACTUAL DAD??? *blinking man gif*”

kevin starts leaving the gc instead of waiting to be kicked out

#should i do another one of these #this was SO FUCKING FUN #aftg #aftg headcanon #aftg hc #tfc #headcanon #mine #personal

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nadziejastar · 4 years

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I find reading headcanons fun and a lot of people interested in Lea and Isa who want to stay canon compatible go with the idea of "they were technically apprentices, but they were still used as test subjects." It just goes to show how important those implications were to their story, anyone invested is looking for a way to retcon them back in.

Yeah, I get why people wanna stick close to canon. I like to stay as close to canon as possible too, unless I feel like canon just absolutely dropped the ball, which is relatively rare. But that’s what I feel KH3 did with Lea and Isa. There were just FAR too many implications that they were test subjects to be hand-waved away so easily. I can totally understand why people are looking for a way to retcon those implications back in. They fit soooo perfectly and they were MUCH juicier than the canon backstory, which is really very boring.

Unbeknownst to me, my six apprentices then began collecting a large number of subjects on which to perform dangerous experiments into the “darkness of the heart.”

I wouldn’t even know HOW to write Axel as a former apprentice, without being a former test subject, too. Because it just doesn’t fit him. You have to ignore everything interesting about him and change his whole character. When I first played KH2, I was always interested in the experiments on the darkness of the heart and especially what the organization members were like as humans. We only got to know a little about that. We learned that members I-VI were apprentices of Ansem the Wise, which I thought was very intriguing. I started to speculate about what the other members’ backstories might be.

Are they the people who lost their hearts, or incarnations of darkness? Or something entirely beyond my imagination? All my knowledge has provided no answer. One thing I am sure of is that they are entirely devoid of emotion. Perhaps further study will unlock the mysteries of the heart. Fortunately, there is no shortage of test samples. They are multiplying underground even as I write this report. They still need a name. Those who lack hearts… I will call them the Heartless.

I am not even exaggerating, after reading the KH2 Ansem Reports, my first thought was that Axel was most likely a former test subject, due to the way he slaughtered Zexion and Vexen so mercilessly. He had a side to him that was rather…twisted. And I thought that was so fascinating. No way in hell do I believe he acted like that because he was trying to find some girl. No. He had a HUGE grudge against the organization which was very personal.

The only other organization member I thought might have been a former test subject was Saïx. Number VII. The first one to join after the apprentices.

And the reasons for that were obvious. He was freakish, like a science experiment. He was a werewolf/vampire type character with a large scar on his face. I have talked with people online about Axel’s apprentice backstory who said that they “saw it coming”. It was foreshadowed in advance. And I’m like, “Did we play the same games?” If anyone says that they thought Axel and Saïx made more sense as apprentices than test subjects, I simply do not believe them. I think they are either lying or they are such a fanboy/fangirl that they cannot bring themselves to question canon.

THIS is what always stood out to me about Axel in Days. He said very little about himself. It seems like most of the fandom latched onto Axel as this happy-go-lucky big brother figure who “adopts” Roxas and Xion and that was the extent of his character. Personally, I was always far more interested in Axel’s past. That’s what really made him an interesting character. Without that, he’s a bit flat, honestly.

When I played Days, it seemed to confirm my suspicions that Axel had a dark past.

The way the camera zoomed in on him when he mentioned his past said SO much. It was so subtle, but so dramatic. They obviously were hinting at something.

And it even involved Saïx, too. They really were BOTH test subjects. How fascinating, I thought.

Then I played BBS, and it showed them sneaking into the freaking castle! I was so excited! OBVIOUSLY these kids were experimented on. They were in the right place at the right time. It explains why they became organization members. It explains why Saïx is so…freakish even though when he was a kid he was so cute and normal. I mean, come on!!!! How could anyone not see what they were hinting at here? I was SO SO excited for TEN years to see their backstory.

When I played KH3, I was dumbfounded. Absolutely dumbfounded. Turns out Lea and Isa were connected to the experiments on the darkness of the heart (duh). But they weren’t the test subjects. It was Skuld. Ya know, that random NPC from KHUX? That’s right. Skuld.

…

Skuld!? Are you freaking kidding me!? All the spotlight is gonna be on her as the lab rat!? After all the subtle hints that Lea and Isa were experimented on? I felt like I had been led on and betrayed by the series. I was so sad and angry. KH has a lot of, well, bullshit in it. Like Ansem the Wise turning Kingdom Hearts into data and releasing everyone’s hearts. And it has a lot of retcons. It’s a series where “willing suspension of disbelief” is important. But what they did to Lea and Isa’s past? That crossed the line for me. That was unacceptable. And my willing suspension of disbelief was shattered. I simply cannot retroactively view Lea and Isa as apprentices. It just doesn’t fit with what we saw of them. It’s the worst, most ill-fitting backstory I have ever seen.

Lea’s whole character revolved around his mysterious past. And in the end, his whole past was summarized in a two minute cutscene where we were TOLD (not even shown) it. And his past isn’t even about him or his relationship with Isa or their shared pain. It’s all about setting up a plot for a character who, IMO, is supposed to be dead.

Yes, that’s right. Dead. IMO, Skuld and Ephemer and everybody else from the age of fairytales were supposed to be dead. The final world is like limbo where people with lingering regrets cannot move on to the afterlife. Sora wound up there, probably because the spirits drew him there. But he wasn’t dead. He could come back with the power of waking because his body was still alive. Demon Tide doesn’t kill your body.

But yeah, as far as I’m concerned, everyone else from the age of fairy tales is DEAD. KHUX wasn’t supposed to monopolize KH3′s plot the way it did. It wasn’t supposed to be that important. IMO, The main role of KHUX was to provide history to the Keyblade War and MX’s Keyblade. You would have the scene where the Keyblades come to life and take out the Demon Tide. It’s a nice little cameo to people who played KHUX, but nothing essential. Then, the hearts of the dead are finally at peace and they can pass on. The end. Their role is done. They weren’t supposed to come back! It’s stupid! Leave characters like a Ephemer and Skuld in the past where they belong!

Xaldin: It’s an order. Why do you hesitate? You, who has been ruthless towards those who’ve turned their backs on the Organization?

If you take away Axel’s past a former test subject and give it to Skuld, you change the very nature of his character. Look how KH3 downplayed Axel’s dark and ruthless side by making it seem like Saïx was the only one willing to get his hands dirty. Axel was apparently some perfect angel who was just innocently trying to find info on Subject X the whole time. Not, ya know, ruthlessly executing people. No! No, no no!

Don’t pretend like Axel was not a fucked up killer. He was almost as twisted as Saïx was. Not quite. But almost. Of course, I guess I understand why they downplayed this side of him. It really doesn’t make much sense for Axel to spend a decade ruthlessly killing people just to find a complete stranger who may or may not even be alive, does it? It would make a lot more sense if he was doing it because he was experimented on and his best friend was being held hostage by the organization.

But Axel being a fucked up killer was the very foundation of his excellent character arc. Why did he change and join the good side? It wasn’t because he became friends with Roxas or Xion. It’s because he became disgusted with himself. He was disgusted with himself after he killed Vexen and Sora was horrified at how much pleasure he got from it.

He was disgusted with himself when he saw Xion’s face for the first time and saw that she looked just like Namine. He was willing to slaughter Namine without a second thought in Castle Oblivion. But here was a girl who looked just like her, innocently asking to be his friend.

“You didn’t have to use force…”

Axel sighed theatrically and circled his shoulders. “Didn’t I?”

Still gripping Axel’s collar, Roxas shook his head with the emphatic refusal of a little kid. “No, you didn’t…” But he sounded uncertain as he said it, and his voice shrank even more. “We’re supposed to be best friends.”

Axel brushed Roxas’s hands from his collar. “This isn’t about friendship.”

Roxas raised his head. The glare in his blue eyes was sharp as a knife.

Axel had never seen that from him before. His chest twinged, just a bit. He let out another sigh. “Listen, if that’s all, I gotta go.”

Roxas wilted again, and something in his expression weakened Axel’s resolve slightly.

I just did what I thought was the best thing at the time. For Roxas, for Xion, for the Organization—and for Isa. But most of all for me.

He turned away from Roxas and made himself walk away.

He was disgusted with himself when he attacked Xion and brought her back to be destroyed. Why was Axel so upset with Saïx at the end of Days? Because he threw his morality away for him! Axel was willing to do anything for him. He was willing to kill innocent kids like Namine and Xion all for his sake. And at the end of the story Axel realized that Saïx didn’t even really love him anymore. Axel was more than happy to kill anyone if he thought Isa still loved him and appreciated the sacrifices he made for him.

He had been using the Organization for his own ends from the start. The only thing that had changed in the meantime was who it was all for. Maybe Saïx would call that a betrayal. But his world had changed.

But Axel realized that Saïx just used him as a murder tool to take out anyone who got in his way. He wasn’t even worried about him when he was at Castle Oblivion nor did he thank him when he returned. He took advantage of Axel’s devotion to him. That’s why Axel changed. It wasn’t like a My Little Pony episode where the power of Roxas and Xion’s magical friendship changed Axel. It was Axel’s own conscience. And yet, Axel still couldn’t bring himself to leave with Roxas at the end of Days. Even after Roxas left him the “Winner” stick. Because he was still attached to Saïx.

Axel: Look at what it’s come to. I’ve been given these icky orders to destroy you—if you refuse to come back with me.

Roxas: We’re…best friends, right?

Axel: Sure…but I’m not getting turned into a Dusk for…Wait a sec! You remember now!?

Roxas: Y…eah.

And Axel being a human test subject also seemed like the most reasonable backstory for him due to the way he seemed so…maladjusted. I was only 16 when I first played KH2. I was the same age as Roxas. And even then, the way Axel related to Roxas made me think that he had a really fucked up childhood. At first, Axel was willing to destroy Roxas, too. His “best friend”. In the original KH2, he seemed like he was just following orders because he was afraid of being turned into a Dusk. Which is still pretty screwed up.

“Say something. Have you even thought that maybe I can’t erase Roxas?” Axel said, in a playful tone, and Saix finally looked up. “It’ll be all right. Cause I’m tough.” Axel puffed out his chest.

“How stupid,” said Saix, and for a moment he smiled. “Let’s hurry up and prepare. Time is limited. The hero will wake up soon, too. I’ll send you in right in front of Roxas.”

“Okay.” Axel stood in front of the sending device. Saix rested his finger on the button. “I’m off the~n!” Waving to Saix, Axel’s figure disappeared.

But in the “Axel 7 Days” novel, you see that IMMEDIATELY before confronting Roxas about destroying him, Axel was looking at the white envelope and then flirted with Saïx. I hate the way the Axel/Roxas relationship was so misunderstood by the fandom. Why did Axel decide not to kill Roxas? IMO, it wasn’t because they were “best friends”.

It was because, once again, Axel was like “WTF am I doing? I’m trying to kill this innocent kid all so I can salvage my relationship with Saïx. I am a selfish piece of shit.” Why did Axel say that Roxas would have a next life, but not him? Because Axel knew what he was capable of and was prepared to do to him. Roxas was innocent. Axel was not. He had a lot of blood on his hands. He was not like Roxas. Roxas’s innocence is why Axel was so attached to him in the first place. But it was exactly why Roxas could never truly understand him. There will always be a part of Axel that he keeps hidden from Roxas.

On the sofa opposite him, Naminé spoke up instead. “Sora and Riku are best friends.”

Axel’s eyes crinkled as he remembered his own best friend—the only friend he’d ever had, in fact.

“If your best friend goes away, you’re sad, and if you get to be with them, you’re happy,” Naminé added. “Isn’t that how it is, Axel?”

“…That’s about the size of it.” Axel nodded and sat down on the remaining empty sofa, staring at the sea-salt ice cream he held.

“So you are capable of sincerity,” said Riku.

Axel only shrugged at the jab and finished his ice cream pop.

Even after he left the organization, Axel was still twisted. He was going to kill Kairi. And notice how it zoomed in on his tear mark. A bit of a hint about the true meaning of the upside down tears. IMO, the tears meant that Axel was willing to do absolutely anything to make his wish come true. And that was to be with his best friend forever. Saïx betrayed him and broke his heart. Axel decided to channel all of that grief and despair into his relationship with Roxas. He was now willing to kill innocent kids for his new best friend in order to forget about the old one. He was still selfish.

He only started to doubt himself when Kairi empathized with him.

And then he felt like shit and was disgusted with himself again. That was the last straw. Axel really doesn’t work as a character without a horrific backstory or being a killer. He just doesn’t. Being a twisted killer was fundamental to his story. And being a test subject was really the only things that could have made Saïx more sympathetic and redeemable.

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mieczyhale · 4 years

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a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone)

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise) my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough.

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol)

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so.

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie)

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

#might delete later?? probably?? havent decided.#maison speaks #tinysquidrachel

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 4 years

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y’know i think the whole reason i haven’t been bothered to start dating is bc over the years, i’ve just become comfortable with being on my own all the time. like I don’t feel the pressure to always have a partner and I feel like if I ever start dating at any point..... I don’t feel like i’d easily forget who i am and just make myself 1000% like that person. like obvs i have absolutely no idea whether that’d happen or not.

but I just feel like i won’t.... like i would’ve if I’d started dating much much earlier, like in high school, for example.... where i ended up posting a “im so lonely and sick of being single” etc type status at one point.... partly bc i was really lonely at 16 and also bc well... as a joke bc everyone had to post at least one of those statuses during high school lmao.

then there’s also me not just throwing myself at any chance to get fucked by creepy guys like “let me give you sex lessons in the back of my car” guy or bar creeper weasel mcfuck guy..... all because of the pressure that those fucking creepy dudes were giving me bc i kept refusing their advances.... and i also refused to just fuck anyone bc that’s just what you’re supposed to do in your late teens (sex lessons guy) and well into your 20s (bar creeper weasel mcfuck guy) apparently. but no. i have my fucking standards. and those creeps didn’t fucking meet them. so i had every fucking right to continually reject them and stay single.

and besides the point, im just so used to being on my own now that if someone came in to be my partner; they’d have to be fucking okay with me being me.... and except that i won’t give myself up entirely to become exactly like them or whatever. I know who I am (mostly) and why should I fucking sacrifice that for some stupid ass dude????

and also now, i will never take the dumbass line of “oh I’ll fix this dude bc he’s so broken and that’ll fix me too!!!” like i thought when i was depressed and anxious in 2011 and had a really bad and kind of obsessive crush on one of the hella popular dudes in my year at catholic school. because i now know that love doesn’t fix people fully. and if any dude pulls that act on me, im happy to fucking leave as soon possible. because it’s his job to fix himself through therapy with a fucking professional therapist; and not some random woman that they pick up off of a dating app’s responsibility.... to pick up his broken pieces and build him up and all that bullshit that shitty dudes I know share on fb all the time.

anyway yeah. my point is that im happy on my own now bc im so used to being single.... that if I ever started dating I wouldn’t forget who I am and think that I have to completely change myself for the sake of the other person and become exactly like them; like I would’ve when I was younger. and that i also just feel comfortable being single now and that it’d be so strange to have a partner that likes me lmao.... but they’d have to accept me as i am bc I’ve accepted who i am and I won’t change (mostly) for anyone, other than for myself.

like yes I know you change in relationships... and that you learn different things about yourself and other people during the time you spent in those relationships. and I also know that you learn skills like negotiation and compromise etc in relationships. but you also learn 1,000 things about yourself when you don’t date too early...... and don’t fall into the pressure of “hook up culture” that’s so hardly pushed on people from 18-25, bc of tinder becoming huge in the 2010s. you learn 1000 things from all the different people you reject because you realise that you have standards; and that those said people don’t meet them (even if they seem ridiculous to other people). you learn that you’ve kept yourself safe from people that don’t give a fuck about you. you also learn relationship skills in this process as well.

like I learnt from my stalker in 2012, that I could do far better than him and all of his abusive/controlling behaviours and tendencies.... and his constant habit of painting me as a weak and defenceless woman that he had to save & protect all the time. on his side however, i was basically his manic pixie dream girl who had to fix him instead. I learnt from him that neither of those archetypes were desirable to base a relationship on. after all, i was on the road to fix myself.... and if I’d let this bs get to an actual relationship..... i knew it would’ve damn near killed me, and not him.

i knew that “I’ll give you sex lessons in the back of my car” dude was a cunt in 2014...... bc not only did he not care about my sexual safety and not accept any of my refusals for his said “sex lessons”..... he did not respect that i wanted to be called by my either of my names, and not the names that he deemed to be “much easier and more respectful” to have..... because they were both typical white girl names (Gwen or Alannah instead of gwladys or ilona). and then, obviously, he was one of the many guys that were angry at me bc i refused to lose my virginity by 15 like “normal people”. I knew that a decent dude would accept that I wanted to be called by MY ACTUAL FUCKING NAME/S and not ones suggested by them so they could deem me “more socially acceptable” to them. I knew that a respectful dude wouldn’t give me the “you should’ve fucked someone by the time you were 15!!” etc etc lecture that this fuckwad gave me.

I learnt from bar creeper weasel mcfuck in 2017, that again, I could do far better.... but also that his behaviours were fucking creepy and not normal. because surely no honest & decent man would try to confiscate/steal etc a fucking grown woman’s phone in a bar/pub just because she keeps refusing his kisses/grindings on the dancefloor????? and also feels the need to escape his shitty behaviour???? and also because he was angry at her bc she rang someone else to take her home.... instead of wanting to go back to his place???? like a decent dude would accept those choices, right???

I knew by this time that his behaviour of constantly separating me from my friends so that they couldn’t see/hear his disgusting comments and behaviour was manipulative as fuck.... as much as his overly forceful tendency that night; to try and get me to smile and try to control my behaviour to make it look like I was “having fun” on his terms, and not mine..... with comments like: “why the fuck don’t you fucking smile??? why the fuck don’t you look like you’re having a good time??? fucking smile for me bitch!” I knew by 22, that this was toxic fucking behaviour and not a behaviour that I wanted in lover/partner. I knew that if I couldn’t tolerate this treatment during that entire night... then I couldn’t tolerate it for an entire relationship.

I knew in literally the first 3 minutes of talking to him.... where I was supposed to let him look at my phone over my shoulder all the time... while I was banned from looking at his phone except from adding him on fb..... and that he expected me not to be offended by demeaning comments about me doing an arts degree.... but I was then supposed to wholly support him wanting to “study fashion” when he literally dressed like he’d rolled out of a fucking dumpster in the 2000s..... and literally fucking smelt like it as well.... and other troubling shit that I’ve written whole novel-length posts about on this hellsite about him lmao. but you get my point. I knew in these few first minutes to an hour, that he was not someone that I’d like to sleep with/have a relationship with etc etc. we just didn’t fucking mesh. he disgusted me. and I infuriated him by just existing and wanting to leave him behind without a “girl to score with” that night.

I knew I deserved better than him, despite his godawful comments and behaviour and his ultimate belief that I’d stoop so low to go home with him that night and fuck him.... and let him treat me like shit (bc i was scared of him that whole night tbh) for the whole time he did so, was fucking laughable. no. I will not fuck you, man who thinks it’s attractive to tell a woman that “I just can’t help but grab your pussy in that dress!!! bc you’re soooo sexy in that dress! it’s your fault you’re so sexy in that dress!!! fucking kiss me! why the fuck won’t you kiss me???!”. i knew deep down in myself that I could do so much fucking better than him and that i should never go home with a dude that treats me like im 16 and not 22 (at the time). I knew that I would never feel or be safe around this guy, with the way he wanted to confiscate/steal my phone from me and practically leave me completely stranded with him all night... to enforce some monitoring of my behaviour on his watch only, and not mine.

so. to conclude. don’t listen to anyone who tells you that the only way you learn about life is when you’re in a long-lasting & hopefully wholly healthy long-term relationship.... or when you have a long term slutty phase whereby you just date anyone for the sake of dating anyone so that you can fuck around with no strings attached...... or just by being in shitty relationships/shitty situationships; just because you feel like you have to be in them because everyone around you are relationships or going through their 20s slutty phases/situationship phases.

because you learn just as much about yourself and your expectations and standards in partners...... by the way of the people that you reject, and their treatment of you when you constantly rebuff them. you realise your worth and the treatment that you really deserve from the shittiest people..... who try their godawful manipulative tactics on you in the first few hours that you’ve met them physically or talked to them online.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ilona tries to give relationship advice although shes never had one #ilona tries to give advice #i got my age in 2017 wrong lmao

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the-anon-2000-blog · 2 years

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This isn’t for you, it’s for me.

I don’t know where to start, this is hopefully going to help but we’ll see how it goes. I’m also using this as a way to get at least somewhat decent at typing again but even just writing this while looking at the screen and not at the keyboard has been a little bit difficult. I don’t recall the last time I really used a laptop or computer to really type up anything more than minor paperwork for work and that;s almost never more than a membership number or my name,

Ok so where do I start? Well, we’re coming up to the end of 2021 and boy, things are not even close to how I imagined them last year, not even close. I didn’t think I’d have moved to a different town, especially not the one that I’m in now, or that I’d be single. I also didn’t think that I’d have a computer this year, let alone build most of it myself. Still don’t have the new xbox or new tattoos yet either so that’s cool. I just brought up some weird editing box at the bottom of the screen by accident and I don’t know what it does or how I brought it up and then I managed to close it but now I want it back so I can see what it does. I think it was some sort of programming box. Now back to our scheduled program. Lol.

Thanks to having this new pc, I was able to download MapleStory again which was most definitely a bad idea. I still love the game and killed a little over 14 hours playing it in the first week of having this pc after downloading other things like TF2, Minecraft and finding out the Windows 11 came with both a voice recorder and a video editor software so I didn’t have to go looking for anything else right away but I still downloaded Audacity and HitFilm Express. Turns out the Vega 8 graphics card that came bundled with the Ryzen 7 processor that I got isn’t good enough to run HitFilm so now I definitely need to get a better one both once they’re actually available and can afford one.

I’ve also rediscovered Sleeping With Sirens and Pierce The Veil, feeling extra nostalgic and like I’m back in grade 8 and 9 with all the fun, although at the time slightly annoying, middle and high school drama. I was soooo much better at talking to girls and meeting new people back then but MSN also ruled IM and texting was only just really starting to take off. 2007 feels both like a lifetime ago and like it was only maybe 5 years ago. I wouldn’t even dare ware glasses again when I didn’t have to and now I’m wearing them at least 2 full days a week on my days off. I also never thought that I’d get into D&D but damn is the group having a good time. Definitely never thought I’d ever smoke, well I guess vape but that wasn’t a thing back then. Definitely never thought I’d do drugs back then either but I don’t think I really knew what marijuana was back then and boy does it help me sleep and ease my back pains. Would also help if I didn’t work myself to the bone but money buys happiness and whoever thinks it doesn’t is either rich or lives off the land and doesn’t use modern society luxuries like the internet or video games and guess what, I now play video games like it’s a second job to the point that I really regret not pursuing and making it a full on career.

I just got a flash back to the shop back home in the backyard where the family computer was kept for so long, but I also imagined 12 or 13 year old me typing random bullshit into tumblr or nexopia because that was a thing, holy shit things have really changed so much in almost 20 years. Fuck I feel old but I’m not even 30 yet.

This feels like it’s gotten a lot longer than I intended but I also feel like I’m rambling like Stewie in that episode of Family Guy when he has to see that therapist that I’m pretty sure is voiced by Sir Patrick Stewart and.. I got distracted by making sure it was actually Pactrick Stewart and not someone else to make me look like a dumbass and I somehow got distracted by the music I have playing on YouTube, fuck you grammarly for correcting that, and I dived down Johnathan Young’s page and realizing he got to work with Ninja Brian for a song before getting distracted by old ass All Time Low songs because I still listen to them, fuck you for judging me, you love how awesome they are and are jealous for being a few years older but are actually successful and get to do what they love for money,

I’m definitely still depressed about being dumped. We met about the start of June 2018 I think, that sounds about right, started dating at the end of March of 2019 and broke up mid October of 2021. Absolutely not fully over it even though most of the time, I feel pretty decent about it and moved on. I don’t know if it’s the lack of closure or the big changes in life and then that sudden slap in the face and not being ready to be alone all of the time. I live with a guy from work, but our schedules are so opposite that I’m usually going to if not am already asleep by the time he gets home from work and he’s usually passing out an hour or two before I’m getting up in the morning. You’d also never imagine that I have hair that is just about waist length that’s been dyed black and managed to almost grow a full beard in 2 months. That’s the best part of being single and not working with food anymore after having worked in kitchens and restaurants for 9 years straight and then once again for about a year with a 2 year break in between. Oh and having 6 tattoos and had a nose ring at one point was also not on the list of things either of us would think we’d do. Never got the halo tattoo but switched it for a destiny tattoo which is just as ballin. I also paint my nails black from time to time but the original plan was to go fir white with a cell shading design like in Borderland, not that you’d know what that is. The past me I imagine reading this is about 7 or 8 years too early but it’s dope. I do miss the shoulder length hair style but the bun is also nice and matches the glasses, I can feel my look slowly becoming somewhat of a resemblance to what most people said a millennial would look like though I absolutely still think of myself more as a scene kid never stopped listening to the music and my wardrobe is all dark and/or nerdy stuff, A somewhat sad fact is I wrote about half that paragraph with one or two fingers while painting my nails and was a million times for accurate than typing with two hands,

Fuck if past me got to read this, whatever the fuck this has turned into, it’d most definitely blow his sad, pathetic mind. But somehow it feels like all this babbling has helped. Maybe I’ll do it more. Until next time me.

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