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dykefaggotry · 1 day

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[image id: an ask from @harbingerofskulls that reads: "im gonna b real i only knew the jerking off i would love to hear you elaborate more if you want to go on the whole situation" /end id]

answering here so i can save as a draft without risking the ask disappearing bc tumblr's been doing that lately but

oh god </3 for everyone else- it's talking about this post. sooo i'm gonna go through each one bc i've been feeling insane for several weeks. i'll do my best to cite my sources lmao

i don't know (johnny johnny)

this is referring to this unreleased VERY early beatles track from 1960. the audio quality is absolute shit & as such unfortunately people love to put words to it that don't make much sense in either direction (i.e a lot of mclennon fans want to hear "you're in love with me" and a lot of people that hate mclennon will just make up the weirdest lyrics that make 0 sense so it's Not Gay). some of the lyrics that ARE clear make it obvious this song is about the two of them running away together- at one point i'm fairly certain paul says "how am i gonna tell my father that we're leaving town?" probably referring to them leaving to hamburg. which would be fine but some of the other lyrics areeeee..... very..... Hm. like multiple times paul refers to john as "my boy" and there's bits of them talking about not knowing what to tell their friends & wanting to just run off together alone. if i were the other members of the band having to record this i would have killed them with hammers <3 also the entire end is just paul going "oh johnny" like 1 million times. okay. sure. also since the lyrics ARE so garbled i mean i guess people could be right about it saying "how am i gonna tell my father you're in love with me" but i just don't hear it. still, a very gay song about running off together and getting away from everything and everyone, complete with moaning the other's name </3

2. paris

this one is a huge part of McLennon Fandom Lore lmao but for good reason. not citing sources on all this bc it's one of those that's just Fact & can be found in like any beatles biography or thebeatlesbible.com (my savior) but. for john's 21st birthday, he got 100 pounds from a rich relative. instead of taking his girlfriend or any of his other friends, he decided to use the money to take paul to spain. but they stopped in paris on the way and just decided to stay there. which i mean like. taking your best friend over your girlfriend to the city of love is a little weird but it's not THAT weird. it's everything else that makes people want to chew glass about it. including some of the other things on this list. like this audio of john just goofing around singing about paris and paul, with such hits as "my cheri, my pau pau my pau paul." which is :| okay best friend. and paul has this picture hung up in his house that he took of john sleeping in paris. okay. sure. why not. (although ig there's some doubt about if the photo is from paris? either way it's a picture paul took and has framed in his house which is incriminating enough my man). also NOT in the original post but may pang, a woman john had a brief affair with in the 70s, wrote a book called loving john. in it, there's this quote:

After a late lunch, Linda launched into a long paean to the joys of living in England. When she was finished, she turned to John and said, “Don’t you miss England?”

“Frankly,” John replied, “I miss Paris.”

okay! also in an interview once he said:

The thing was all the kissing and the holding that was going on in Paris. And it was so romantic, just to be there and see them, even though I was twenty-one and sort of not romantic. But I really loved it, the way the people would just stand under a tree kissing; and they weren’t mauling at each other, they were just kissing.

(interview with david scheff for playboy in september 1980)

3. if i fell

this one i already made an insane post on that started my spiral into posting about the beatles publicly </3 but, essentially, the song "if i fell" by john is..... well it's most likely about paul. he said it wasn't about his wife but that it was auto-biographical and he never really had any public affairs that weren't flings, certainly not a lover. but most damning is he wrote the complete lyrics for the first time on a valentine's day card addressed "to paul with love" with some hearts and arrows pointing to where the lyrics were written. absolutely insane. made me insane.

4. oh! darling

rawest paul song of all time if i do say so myself lmao. but it's just.... Highly Suspicious, that's what it is. a Lot of beatles fans/historians will admit this song is most likely about john but they won't admit that it's fucking romantic if it is. like.

like that is so blatantly romantic idk what to say other than that. also, in the official recording on abbey road, there's Several points where paul says "darling" that sound more like he's saying "johnny" which is what he called him. people brush it off by saying it's his accent, but there's a very clear difference between when he's saying "darling" and when he's saying "johnny". i mean the Lore behind this is that it was written right when things were splitting up between them (& the rest of the band) so it makes sense and it's why most people are willing to accept it's about john. it's just insane to me that they'll accept it's about john without considering the implications of that.

5. the real life demo

this one made me want to light myself on fire i won't lie to you. but here it is! john had a song called "real love" and this is a very early demo of it. but instead of the lyrics that came to actually be in the song (which are thought to be about yoko but let's not get into the fact that it was on a tape labeled "for paul" but whatever), it includes john fucking crying as he sings saying:

"was i just dreaming or was it only yesterday? i used to hold you in my arms. and now a baby and another on the way... la la la la farm..."

which can quite literally be about no one else but paul, as this demo was recorded when he'd just had two children with his wife linda and linda was pregnant with their third child. they'd moved to a farm in scotland. hearing this audio clip did genuinely make me want to lie down in the dirt for a week. also "i used to hold you in my arms" just... yeah. god. when people think it was unrequited idk what to say, really.

6. If Paul Were A Woman-

shoving these two together but. in april of 85, paul said in an interview about john and yoko's relationship:

"I mean, I couldn’t stand in the way of someone who’d fallen in love. You can’t say, 'Who’s this?' You can’t really do that. If I was a girl, maybe I could go out and…"

okay bestie <3 and what would make your relationship different if you were a woman? interesting! and yoko had something similar to say. in this audio, she says:

"I’m sure that if he had been a woman or something, he would have been a great threat – because there’s something definitely very strong between John and Paul."

just reminds me of being a kid and telling my best friends "if i were a boy i'd date you" lol. incredible. does anyone here know about bisexuality.

7. stuart!

not much to say here except that john had a best friend, stu sutcliffe, who died young & before that had been the bassist in the band. paul fucking hated him sooo much oh he SEETHED. a lot has been written on that relationship but it was.... very interesting to say the least. it could have just been about the band, or just jealousy over john's friendship, but take that with a lot of john biographers suspecting john had feelings/even a sexual relationship with stuart and it paints a very Interesting picture to say the least

8. john's bisexuality

here's a compilation of quotes about it, but john was more than likely bisexual. which has nothing to do w paul, really, but more to do against people that like to claim they were both Heterosexual Men. although an interesting quote in this compilation is him saying he's "had paul" lmfao

9. paul's post-beatles work

there's just.... there is so so so much here i don't even know where to begin. @ringompreg has a good compilation of paul songs here. a lot of them do take a bit of Lore but like..... it comes down to the fact that both him and john have/had admitted many times to using their lyrics during The Breakup Years to talk to/reference each other and sooooo many of these lyrics are insanely blatant. the two i mentioned were tug of war and let me roll it, both of which are acknowledged to be about john by most people WITH NO ONE BOTHERING TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE IMPLICATIONS OF THAT which..... tug of war has this:

we could stand on top of the mountain with our flag unfurled? dancing to a beat played on a different drum? this is what gaylors think gaylor conspiracy is but paul mccartney is really out here saying this shit.

and let me roll it is so fucking blatantly romantic but every reviewer is like haha! what a cool song that's "making fun" of john and clearly in his style! like are straight people stupid genuinely. anyway:

bonus to that but about JOHN'S solo work :)))))) he wrote a song called "watching the wheels" and when you consider he very much responded to MANY of paul's solo stuff it's :)

which as a response to let me roll it would just be... so devestating but it may be a stretch idk if i'm onto anything there it's just worth Mentioning

and there's a lot of others, a lot of them in that post up there. like far too many where paul mentions falling in love with a friend like Alright.

10. paul's first lsd trip with john/"i know" "i know"

this one is less blatantly romantic but it is just insane. here's an article. and a quote from george martin about it. the first time paul tripped on acid w john was bc john accidentally took some and he took him home & then took acid w him bc he didn't want john to be alone on the trip :( but, notably:

"And we looked into each other’s eyes, the eye contact thing we used to do, which is fairly mind-boggling. You dissolve into each other. But that’s what we did, round about that time, that’s what we did a lot," the singer recalled, "And it was amazing. You’re looking into each other’s eyes and you would want to look away, but you wouldn’t, and you could see yourself in the other person. It was a very freaky experience and I was totally blown away."

he also apparently saw john as the, and i quote, "emperor of eternity" during this trip??????? okay

SOMEWHERE i can't find it rn and i'm getting lazy but somewhere they (i think paul?) talk about the fact that they used to just stare into each other's eyes and then say "i know" "i know" which. considering john's song "i know (i know)" makes me crazy

11. in my life/i will

these are really just some devastating songs with lyrics that make you really raise your eyebrows. for in my life, written by john, it's just an incredibly romantic & sweet song that is again, not about his wife. given that the lennon estate is still out here posting pictures of paul to those lyrics i have to say it's a liiiiittle suspicious. and i will is...... it's one that paul insists is not about his girlfriend at the time, jane asher. and when you look at the lyrics vs how him and john met.... like. the song goes:

and the story of how they met was that paul saw john repeatedly before they ever met, when he didn't know who john was other than that he thought he looked cool & admired his sideburns (lmfao). and when they did finally meet, it was when john was singing at a garden fete (party) and paul was in the crowd just Mesmerized. so. well. you can see.... you can see how fitting that is. makes me crazy makes me want to chew glass actually

12. "we were each other's intimates" and other insane quotes

"we were each other's intimates" is a paul quote about john which is just insane but that's not even the tip of the iceberg. here's a ton of quote compilations.

13. "literally everything else"/honorable mentions

some honorable mentions go out to: john going on stage w elton john & playing i saw her standing there and introducing it as "a song by an estranged fiance of mine" okay! the "just like starting over" demos. okay! which isn't even to MENTION the fact that paul locked himself away in the studio listening to "just like starting over" on repeat for DAYS after john died like???? john saying repeatedly that he considered paul & yoko to be his two major partners in life including in an interview the literal day he died. a whole ass rpf movie where they make out (two of us) made by the same dude that made the let it be movie like. he knew them personally? he worked with them closely? and the only thing paul had to say about it was just essentially that it was what he wished would've happened like???????? i can't find a super reliable source for this so take it w a grain of salt, but apparently paul referred to mclennon fanfiction as "beautiful stories" and doesn't mind them being written. paul also had a cat that had kittens & he named two of the kittens pyramus and thisbe after fictional lovers he and john played and he gave pyramus (the character paul played) to john :|

and literally so much else like all of this and it's not even all of it. it's not even close to all of it. i didn't even get to talk about the way in "get back" the documentary, paul started talking about john leaving the band for yoko and how john would choose her over them and then he got teary eyed, started choke laughing, and then started singing "build me up buttercup" before looking at the cameras and stopping. what the FUCK was that about! IT'S NOT EVEN GETTING INTO THE SONG "TWO OF US" THAT'S SO OBVIOUSLY ABOUT JOHN THAT IT HURTS. it's. it's not even scratching the surface. they were just genuinely insane about each other.

#mclennon #this is long but it had to be to expand on every reference i made in that post FJADJFASDF

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wikiangela · 3 months

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tease tidbit tuesday💀

tagged by @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove @daffi-990 @fortheloveofbuddie @disasterbuckdiaz @hoodie-buck 💖

hi! so, yesterday I randomly opened the doc with the buddie death cast au - which is a fic I started writing last summer on vacation and never got back to it but then made progress lol it's gonna be MCD, which i know is not everyone's thing so feel free to ignore this 🤣 it's basically buddie in the universe of the "they both die at the end"/"the first to die at the end" books so it's gonna be sad, sorry lol (I never even read mcd, idk why i'm writing this but this idea just wants to be written i guess haha) gotta put this weird mood I've been in lately to good use and finally write this 🤣 not sure if I'm happy with this snippet, but it all needs editing, the first two snippets were written on my phone and haven't been edited yet lol

I posted two snippets so far, gonna link them both snippet 1 | snippet 2

___

“Is all of this clear, Eddie?” she asks in the end.

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” he says shortly. He should've just hung up immediately. Or cancel this stupid subscription after Shannon died. Sometimes he wonders if maybe people who get the calls and coincidentally get into accidents, for example, just give up and refuse to fight because they think it’s their time. Not like Shannon could do much, her injuries were too severe when they got there, but the point stands. Maybe they get more reckless, thinking it doesn’t matter anyway.

There’s a short pause on the line, but then Jane speaks up again, her tone softer, more sympathy seeping through.

“I know it’s not easy to accept, if you’d like some help with that, on out website you can find therapists and grief counselors specializing in-”

“Listen.” Eddie interrupts. He’s spent enough time in therapy. He’s not doing it on his supposedly last day. “I know it’s all bullshit. I don’t care. You said what you had to say, I listened, for whatever reason.” he rolls his eyes. He really should’ve hung up, or not answered at all. “Is this conversation over yet?” he asks and is met with another moment of silence. She’s probably wondering what everyone else always is: why is he even spending money on this if he doesn’t believe. He has an answer ready to go, but that’s not what she asks.

“Can I ask you a question?” she says quieter, whispering, probably not allowed to go too much off-script.

“Sure, why not.” he shrugs. He’s wide awake now, anyway, he’s not in a hurry. Not like he’s dying anytime soon.

“If it was your last day, how would you spend it? You don’t have to answer, just think about it.” she adds quickly, her tone much softer and gentler now. Eddie’s mind immediately supplies a picture of Christopher and Buck, just a casual hang-out, like usual, maybe going to the movies, or the aquarium, or the planetarium, something fun for his kid. And later a gathering with the rest of their family, maybe a barbecue at Bobby and Athena’s, with Maddie and Chim, and Hen and Karen, all their kids, just everyone having fun together. Yeah, that’d be a perfect day. “There’s no harm in spending today just like this, if possible. Just in case.” Jane adds, still whispering. He doesn’t tell her that’s more or less his plan, anyway, for the evening after his 12-hour shift. During which nothing will happen to him, because Death-Cast doesn’t know shit. “Well, lastly, Eddie,” Jane’s voice is back at normal-volume, tone strictly professional but sympathetic, as she recites the end of her script, “on behalf of everyone here at Death-Cast, we’re so sorry to lose you. Live this day to the fullest.”

Eddie hangs up without a word.

___

no pressure tags: @elvensorceress @gaydiaz @diazass @thebravebitch @silentxxsoul @shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @arthursdent @911onabc @housewifebuck @rogerzsteven @watchyourbuck @underwater-ninja-13 @eowon @loserdiaz @evanbegins @ladydorian05 @wildlife4life @nmcggg @diazpatcher @lover-of-mine @king-buckley @monsterrae1 @thewolvesof1998 @puppyboybuckley @weewootruck @buckaroosheart @spagheddiediaz @steadfastsaturnsrings @exhuastedpigeon @jesuisici33 @theotherbuckley @rainbow-nerdss @malewifediaz @giddyupbuck @diazsdimples @jeeyuns @epicbuddieficrecs @pirrusstuff @honestlydarkprincess @hippolotamus @spotsandsocks

#tease tidbit tuesday #death cast buddie au #buddie wip #buddie fic #buddie #wikiangela writes #my writing #fic snippet #my wips #angst #buddie angst #mcd #i don't know how yet but eddie will die in this one bc apparently ive been in the mood to break my own heart lmao #i wanted to say maybe i'd share smth happier tomorrow but i don't think i have any happy wips im actively working on rn???#there are happy wips in general but im not really in the mood/inspired for those rn #ran out of happy when i finished the natalia fic i guess lol #who even am i lmao what's with all the angst and sad im usually all about fluff 🤣#(gonna share some more of alive shannon tomorrow!)#btw if you haven't read the books and have questions hmu but also i'll try to make everything clear in the fic lol #but also SO recommend the books they're so good and so sad and I think about them like at least once a week (the prequel wrecked me)

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irritablepoe · 9 months

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ok i wrote a little over 1k words today, somebody tell me they're proud of me :')

#THE TAGS ARE LONG SO BE WARNED!!!#and it's mostly ramblings so not a vent post #i have a good feeling about this draft #i mean i just started a new one but i have kind of a much clearer idea what i'm doing now #i have a notebook where i put a timeline of all the events and it's so helpful #though i have SOOOOO MUCH fantasy names and shit that i invented like a year ago and even though i have all the origins of the names noted #i have little idea how i got there #i even invented a whole calender that i'll use in this story (hopefully) and i'm so proud of this omg #i hope i get this draft finished one day bc it would be a really cool high fantasy book if i do it right yk #AND I'M SO PROUD OF MY MAGIC SYSTEM #it's reaaaaallly complex and i spend weeks figuring it out #though it's been a while since i wrote anything in this project and i don't have all the information on paper (in the notebook) yet #so the information is kinda spread throughout all the documents that i started for like little oneshots scenes and beginnings and stuff #and i have to find them all :')#but creating is soooo fun #but writing is a pain since march for some reason #i had a lot on my plate but also... that normally helped?#well i hope i'll get to write in september bc of semester break #i looked at my progress chart-thingy over the year and i wrote so much in feburary ;-;#i want this back plsssss #nowadays i only get to do like one poem in 2-3 days (and not even that!) and 90% of them are shit #ANYWAYS #thank you for reading all this if you did <3 #this was just me rambling lmao #i haven't posted much today aaaahhh but well i'm very tired and in pain :(#i wish weekends were longer man #period.cramps.are.shit.#personal

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 6 months

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heyyy goal for tonight was to hit 15k in changing states and now I'm at 15.2k!

#actually didn't realize I haven't touched this book in 2 weeks...... that's so bizarre to me I've never done that before for CS #things slowed down for me a LOT in that project bc idk I wasn't very good at writing this particular section LOL #but now it's basically done #my goal is to finish it and then JUST GET JEREMIAH TO THE CLUB #he thrives WHEN HE'S AT THE CLUB #what's crazzzzyyy is CS still feels relatively new to me like yes I've been writing it for a while but #I think Hallowed Bodies took me less time???? LOL and I felt I'd been writing HB for an ETERNITY!!!!!

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eighthdoctor · 1 month

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Book Review 4/60

The Roman Way by Edith Hamilton

I swear I would be going so much faster if literally any of these were good, but I am on 1 for 5 this year and that 1 was a collection of Tolkien short works. So.

Anyway this one gets a point for being from 1932 so I am significantly more generous about like, the lack of good source criticism or incorporation of archaeology because I am aware that archaeology and classics weren't talking to each other in the 30s. (Sidebar: Some absolutely Apollo's dodgeball prophecy in the conclusion.)

Unfortunately her conceit is using ONLY contemporary sources--so Livy can only be used to talk about Augustan Rome, Cicero about the late Republic (which tbf is all we really want Cicero for anyway), etc, which means it's a very scattershot book that skips over LARGE CHUNKS of Roman history (and ends with fucking Juvenal, like you're telling me there were ZERO Roman writers after 128????) and for unclear reasons anything written by Romans in Greek doesn't count, so there's nothing from Marcus Aurelius.

Which does very nicely highlight the problems with this sort of historical analysis, that being that you're left with Cicero's personal letters and some poetry*, and that's not...helpful. For most things. And I'm left wondering if you're using such limited sources, what is the reason to read this book? Like it's an interesting exercise for a graduate student but what is the lesson for the reader?

* Also some people I KNOW wrote about their own periods IN LATIN were inexplicably left out--nothing from either Pliny? Sallust??

2/5

#book review #history book #next book also rated 2 of 5 i should finish it tomorrow #this review took forever bc it's just like. i wasted weeks on this book it wasn't very good and i don't want to think about it anymore.#tada the end

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emmaspolaroid · 2 months

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what a long day

#through a series of events out of our control we had to change plans which meant i didn’t have the car today #and couldn’t take my nanny baby to story time at the bookstore i was like :(!!!!!! about it bc wtf!#I’ve been so busy that i had to dedicate every free moment today to finishing my book club book (which i did! right on time thank you)#also had to run to the grocery store .. I’m about to be behind on drawings if i don’t get at least one done by the weekend #agh and the house is a disaster we’ve both barely been home and have a Need to do our hobbies to feel sane so ugh #However i got caught up on loan payments this week and that’s important. I guess. so this must continue.#really i should give myself credit i nanny five days a week and am preparing for artist alley and also read an entire book today like Girl.#I’m kinda venting now lol but i don’t want to spread myself too thin and get sick and I’m trying to rest but I’m not very good at it #I do however want to be able to do everything i want forever and that kinda costs money

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hexcitrine · 3 months

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randomly looked at this account to update my age and holy shit it's been a while since i posted here..........i have a small pile of art i have yet to post but hbhbshdbshbd too lazy

#part of it is that i haven't posted any of my recent art but in addition #i haven't made new art in a WHILE (abt 3 months) which is highly unusual for me but the reason for that is #3 months ago i suddenly remembered that i tried learning mandarin for three (3) days before forgetting about it for 9 months #(amusingly the reason why is not because of danmei......i did not even know danmei existed when i first decided to learn it)#anyways i have been insanely fixated on learning it for the past 3 months #however since art is primarily a way for me to process my interests and that only really be done when i'm fixated on media........well #let's just say i have not been making art at all #that might change soon tho #rn i'm reading 撒野 (saye) in chinese bc it's at a level i can read and i fucking love it so far #idk why i picked a book longer than svsss (which took me a week to read in english)...u would think there's no chance of me finishing it #or even reading it #especially when the only novel i've read before this is a chinese translation of the fucking magic finger by roald dahl LMFAO #but it's been a week and i'm a fifth of the way into it which i was not expecting at all #it was initially an exercise of “i will get as far as i can and try my best to read a chapter a day” but i've been zipping through chapters #last night i was up until 3 AM reading it and i was so tempted to read more but had to stop myself #of course this is all aided by pleco which lets me quickly look up words that i don't know yet. pleco ily #that being said...this all does mean i know words like 收銀台 before i even know the word for “orange” (the color) which is pretty funny #but idk considering that the sum of my time spent learning chinese is just 3 months..........i think i am doing pretty damn good #i thought it would be a LOT longer before i could finally start enjoying some interesting things #god but it really has been a while since i last read a high school romance...but i am quite fond of the leads and their respective baggage #sorry for the whole tag ramble.........i haven't really had anyone to talk abt this stuff with #oh also it's my birthday #that is why i am even here to update my age in the first place #happy lan wangji birthday #actually the only reason i realized it was gonna be my birthday soon is because i saw chinese artists posting lan wangji birthday fanart #and then remembered that we share the same birthday #also re: the art i haven't posted yet.........a good chunk of it is misvil fanart...song qingshi my beloved #and there's also a luo binghe drawn on an art app i PROGRAMMED MYSELF (!!!!!!!!!) in there #actually that piece is the main reason i haven't posted the art i HAVE made. how the fuck do i explain that i drew it on an app that i made #sorry this is genuinely the most off the rails tag ramble i've ever done. okay i'm done

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dyketennant · 5 months

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i think next semester is finally going to be the one that gives me a heart attack and kills me 💞

#vent #let's see #i am:#-doing my normal job stuff at the theater plus some additional grant work #-helping with a children's book that the theater is making which includes not only writing some of it but marketing it #-doing my first big boy serious puppet show that we might submit to the national slam if it's actually good #-writing and acting for a live sci-fi audio drama that has shows every month #-taking on a second job as a part time grader for fms 100 which includes attending one class per week and grading assignments for 100+ ppl #-taking 15 credit hours that are all upper division semester long classes and have me on campus from 9am-4:15pm tues and thurs #-finishing two (2) portfolios to apply for both concentrations in my major program (because i'm insane. i guess)#-probably should start worrying about my lgbtq certificate capstone oh yeah btw i think i have to do two capstones my senior year isnt that #something #-also im moving out of my parents' house next month so it'll be my first time living on my own #(so my winter break isn't even a break really bc i have to pack everything and move)#can someone just like. idk #give me a really long hug or something #i don't know what to do like. genuinely #barely even surviving school right now bc it's finals

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notjanine · 8 months

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spent the summer prepping for and taking the worst exam of my life, riding out the lease at the worst place i've ever lived,* then being temporarily kinda homeless,** and getting dozens and dozens of job applications rejected. i had some fun in there, but my anxiety has been through the fucking roof on top of my regular summer depression.

then the last two weeks of august happened 😳

everything happens so much. somehow, i managed to find the perfect apartment for a reasonable rent, and now me and Books are living (together!) in a fantastic and charming new home- lots of space, big kitchen table, a balcony facing undeveloped woods, just off one of the major roads in the city that has my favorite grocery store and our favorite sandwich shop (where we were already regulars). plus, i've gotten not one, not two, but three (three!) job offers- and i can take them all!!! one is with a hospital where i did my favorite internship rotation, and i'm so excited that i get to go back there and get paid to do that job, it was a blast. another is right by my new place and it's similar to the other hospital, but it's slightly bigger and sees more complex cases, so i'll be comfortable and confident, but i'll still get some new, specific clinical experience in areas that i'm interested in.

and the third position is... literally my dream job. it's the job that's been the end goal since the moment i chose my field of study. grad school and the internship made me rethink all of my professional goals and push them back, thinking i wouldn't be able to get to them for so long because i'd need ~more experience~. but now i'm. uh. i did it. i did it??!

the two hospital jobs are just part time, but they both pay well. the other won't start for a few months bc my boss*** has to get insurance approval to add me to her private practice,**** but that's okay, because i have a lot of reading and learning i want to do in the meantime to prepare! and then it will start as part time working up to full time as i build up my case load, but i'll also get to decide my own hours and do some work from home. i'll get to work with my favorite kinds of patients! and i'll get fantastic professional development opportunities for specialization, if i want to. the other dietitians in the practice seem lovely, so i'm excited to work with them. and the pay is realllly good, gosh, for being fresh out of the internship, it's nuts.

so things will pick up as i go through orientation and onboarding for the two hospital jobs next month. but it'll get calmer again after that, so i'll have the time and energy to prepare for the more challenging work that starts later, which is really nice.

and in the meantime, i'll be tending the wee garden on my balcony and playing board games with the love of my life 💗

#* all of my windows faced a wall. the walls were so thin i heard a neighbor yawn once #my air conditioner literally broke ten (10) times in three months. they just stopped fixing it. i just didn't have ac. in june. in texas.#** like i was fine i stayed in an airbnb for a week and then with Books which was not ideal bc they were in a 200 sq ft studio but hey #*** this woman is... something else. she was also one of my preceptors during my internship #on my first day with her we went over the assignments i had the option to do and one of them was about my main terrible chronic illness #and i mentioned oh yeah i am very familiar with that bc i have it. and this woman. was EXCITED #like she was interested in and valued my perspective as a sick person. which is wild #also that was my last rotation and i got really sick during that time. i had a flare up and didn't finish any of my assignments on time!!#bc of that illness! which she is now familiar w bc i did an assignment about it! and yet. and yet #SHE reached out to ME months later to be like. hey i have this position open if you want to apply here's the link :)#and then i had to interview with her and she did not pull any punches it was the longest interview i've had and she asked killer questions #and at one point she asked the question. what do YOU bring to this profession w YOUR perspective. and i just...#i said fuck it i went for it i answered honestly and said i'm autistic and autistic ppl understand each other in ways nts don't #(but like. framed intelligently w references to published research and good resources)#and you have autistic clients already and you will have more in the future bc all of us are weird about food!#and. she hired me. this woman knows i am 1. physically disabled and 2. autistic #and she hired me anyway. scream. remarkable woman. i want to know more about her.#and i don't want her to regret her decision so i gotta be on the ball!#**** it's private practice but the boss the one whose practice it is she's on a soft maternity leave so she's not seeing clients rn #so she's managing the practice. and on top of that there's also one woman who's job is just admin and insurance and billing etc #so after i finish the onboarding paperwork (almost done already) i won't have like... any more boring paperwork #it's a private practice job and i don't have to worry about billing which is the nightmare everyone dreads. incredible INCREDIBLE #ANYWAY gosh. it's all a lot! but good!#oh AND it's Books' birthday next week!!!!! we're gonna go out with their family one night then with their friends then just us #and i know exactly what i'm gonna wear (a tiny slutty dress) and i just got their gift (which i know they'll like) so everything is so !!!

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violetclarity · 1 year

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am now in the ‘post-amazing series’ phase where I want to read something new but my standards are temporarily incredibly high, so I need to read something really good but I have no idea what that will be

#trying to dampen the pain of being done w the scholomance by listening to the audiobooks #which are pretty amazing and I am def going to finish but also I'm going on a trip next week and want something to physically read #this is also challenging bc of course I have so many books I could read #but I'll need to narrow down which ones I want to bring on the trip #without really knowing what I'm in the mood for??#initially the vibe for the trip was going to be queer romance bc I have several on my TBR list #(and it's slow going on those during the school year bc I can't read them at work)#but now I'm like - actually maybe I want to read a classic?#so I checked out an isabel allende book IN SPANISH and 'how the garcia girls lost their accents'#tl;dr book suggestions welcome but they need to be GOOD #(have ignored all the suggestions my coworkers gave me bc I don't trust their quality standards)

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depresseddepot · 7 months

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the hollow places by t kingfisher was fucking terrifying

#i read kingfisher first through their fantasy books (the clocktaur series is one of my favorite books ever written)#and ive read a LOT of their books now #so their writing style feels comforting almost #and i read a house with good bones a couple weeks ago and it was great #but this book was fucking terrifying #very very well written but i am going to have trouble sleeping in the coming weeks #some horror books are fun bc the fear is separate from you. like if i read a scifi horror book set in the year 4500 w flying cars etc #the fear is still there but it is separate from me #the idea that i could knock a hole into drywall and have such horrible terrible awful things happen is. god it makes me nauseous #if you've ever heard of the backrooms its a little bit like that. but things move in your vision #and they're in the 6th dimension or whatever so you can't see them but they can see you #fucking hell. what a terrifying book #i just finished it and am sitting alone in a dark room so maybe ill have different thoughts later #but it was so scary that i almost think i didn't enjoy it #like. if i read slower i might've had a panic attack lol #what a terrifying but phenomenal piece of writing. god i love t kingfisher SO MUCH

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obsob · 1 year

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big man...why is he so big...(hes full of love)

#mine #original #oug im tired!!! sleepy!!#what hve i done this week... i processes like 30 orders bc i had such a backlog OGUG. did 2 drawings for my portfolio. did this drawing #also did sm good planning! and sketching!#i was gna colour my portfolio drawings but im. pretty worn out so now maybe i will not #my lower back has been rlly sore also so . im gna try n avoid sitting at my desk heeh #its like half 12 whilst im queueing this....gna hve sm lunch soon. adn then read maybe. i finished my book this morn it was ver good #foxen bloom by. someone. cannae remember !!! very good nice an short #its a nice day..might go 4 walk #ive started on the sleeves for my jumper uehue !!!! am def gna run out of wool so annoying....will b short like. half a ball.#im gettin close 2 finishing my blanket....kinda...i ordered too much wool for that kjbsdkjbs #yes yes reading. i should do yoga maybe. world of pain #okay goodbye

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britneyshakespeare · 8 months

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should i start reading russian avant-garde theater

#that's a trick question. all true diana britneyshakespeare fans know i don't consider your input on any matter whatsoever #tales from diana #as ive made quite a lot this summer out of reading all my old plays ive had for awhile #cracking open books ive had for years for the first time #ive decided that this week i shall breathe existence into avant garde drama: a casebook (1976) which i mustve bought at savers...#probably before the pandemic to be honest #for no particular reason im gonna start w yury olesha (his name anglicized here as yurii olyesha)'s 'the conspiracy of feelings'#i do like that title a lot #it's in the middle of the book #you know i'm very grateful to have basically no life again. for only the fact that it's allowed me to get a lot more reading done #i remember a few years ago when i started to emerge from my reclusion being like 'i havent finished a book in months'#not a problem anymore #but ive mainly been reading plays lately. but thats good bc ive always preferred plays over novels #i dont know (and i confess this shamefully) if ive ever read a play originally written in russian before #another book ive had for years that i bought at savers but still have yet to open is masterpieces of the russian drama vol. 1 (1961)#maybe ill have to open that one when im done w olyesha

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lit-in-thy-heart · 9 months

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what's your favourite fic that you've written? (Or, I suppose a scene from a fic that you're particularly proud of?) (although saying that so much of your fic is top tier 🩵🩵🩵)

hello anon!! this ask made me 🥺🥺, thank you so much for dropping it in my inbox <3

my favourite fic that i've written... this is actually more difficult than i thought, as there are some that were hell to write but i'm really pleased with how it turned out, and some that are not absolute masterpieces but i had so much fun writing them. and the one that's a mix of all of the above (as contradictory as it may seem) hasn't even been finished and posted yet lmao. i think, overall, my favourite that i've posted is we left the book of love signed in blood on every page, which looks at the breakdown of gwaine and merlin following lancelot's death. i enjoy writing angst like that and i also had fun with the sustained imagery

but in terms of a scene that i'm particularly proud of, the moment in bitter is the antidote where gwaine begins to relax around lancelot and both of them are pressed close to each other and reaching out to merlin is one that i'm quite proud of. the full scene is below the cut and i enjoyed trying to depict the hesitancy on both gwaine's and lancelot's parts. also i really like the line 'so he let his tea go cold and his shoulder grow numb' but i couldn't tell you exactly why

thanks for the ask anon, hope you have a wonderful day! 💜

Lancelot had one hand buried in Merlin’s hair again, twisting the short strands between his fingers, knees pressed against the bed. Hesitantly, Gwaine hovered on Lancelot’s left side before sinking down to the floor, one leg strewn out beneath the bed. His hand reached for the one Merlin had draped over the edge of the bed, taking it between his fingers and, upon receiving murmured permission, gingerly leaned against Lancelot’s leg. He was aware of the bone pressing into his shoulder, just as he was aware of Merlin’s grip tightening around him, but it didn’t scare him half as much as it should have done.

Never, never had Gwaine thought that he would be so close to two others when all three of them were conscious. Never had he thought he would be confronted with the knowledge of his best friend having magic, either, and Gwaine couldn’t help but wonder what other unexpected things fate had in store for him. He didn’t dare move, in case it all proved to be an illusion and the slightest twitch dispelled it. So he let his tea go cold and his shoulder grow numb, let his abdominal muscles ache with the effort of not allowing all of his weight to fall on Lancelot’s leg and his hand be manipulated by Merlin’s touch.

Merlin, assured by their physical presence, had closed his eyes and Gwaine took the opportunity to use his gaze to sketch out the angles of Merlin’s body in his mind, safe in the knowledge that Lancelot couldn’t see his face. Before, he’d been convinced that he’d successfully memorised each dip in Merlin’s form in the same way that he’d memorised the placement of his own gaping traps in woods over the years. He’d thought that he’d be able to sculpt Merlin flawlessly from ribbons of clouds and wind. But, as Merlin shifted and the tip of what looked like an old scar peered over the neck of his shirt, Gwaine realised just how wrong he’d been. It was a blessing that the hand not holding Merlin’s was engaged with a cold cup of tea because Gwaine could feel temptation running its fingers along his arm, leaving a trail that ended at Merlin’s chest.

The skin looked leathery, much like Merlin’s burned leg, and, if it had been fire… Just how many times had Merlin narrowly escaped the flames? How much of himself had he kept protected from Gwaine with a clumsy cut of material tied around his throat? Dropping his gaze to his right hand, Gwaine pushed one side of it into the bed, careful not to squash Merlin’s hand. He was one to talk.

Faintly aware of a subtle movement behind him, Gwaine rotated his head by several degrees, glancing over his shoulder and through his hair. Lancelot was no longer holding the cup in one hand – if Gwaine shifted his hip, he’d knock against it on the ground – and the hand was now hovering above Gwaine’s shoulder. Gwaine began to phrase a silent question but cut himself off as he reached an answer; it seemed that Lancelot was reluctant to place his hand in his own lap for fear of elbowing Gwaine in the head.

Returning to look straight ahead, Gwaine raised his left hand and took his little finger away from the cup, hooking it around the tip of Lancelot’s middle finger. Careful not to spill his drink, Gwaine slowly lowered his hand, taking Lancelot’s with him, until Lancelot’s palm met his shoulder. As Gwaine rested his own hand on his thigh, Lancelot made port with his thumb at the muscle between Gwaine’s shoulder and neck. It was then that Gwaine registered that, in leaning against Lancelot, his jacket had slipped a little off his shoulders and had dragged the neck of his shirt down with it.

Most of Lancelot’s hand was planted firmly over Gwaine’s shirt, his wrist grazing the collar of the jacket, but his thumb was on that muscle – a muscle bearing layers of tension that Gwaine hadn’t even been aware of – and his index finger was dangling over Gwaine’s collarbone. And then Lancelot began to sweep his thumb back and forth along that single muscle, collecting the tension in Gwaine’s shoulder like a bee picking up pollen, and Gwaine couldn’t hold himself up any longer.

#hey nonny nonny asks #honestly i was not expecting this ask and it was such a lovely surprise when i checked tumblr last night #(i was in the middle of a rewatch of go2 at half 11 at night so decided to save it for this morning)#for the record i am also proud of much of mortality clings to butterfly wings but i'm trying to appreciate my recent writing #as my brain has been telling me it's not as good as my writing from 2021 and yeah it's slightly different but that doesn't mean it's worse #i am very excited for the day when i finish a fic i started last year and post it bc it is frankly hilarious if i do say so myself #it's the first fic that actually feels like a comedy and it's just. silly.#it's a merwaincelot fairytale au based on a tale called the bear that was collected by andrew lang in the grey fairy book #but with some changes and more comedic value #anyway i'm aiming to get it done for au day for merwaincelot week 2023 #currently have 6 active wips and 4 of them are merwaincelot whoops #thanks again for the ask anon and for enabling me to ramble!!#lit talks #lit writes

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