#i find all parts of myself quite ugly and scary and i dont want you to see any of it and yet it will spill out anyways!!!

[thedevotionaltour]

i just wasn't made for these times was kind of the realest song ever like i've been trying to find the people that i won't leave behind they say i got brains but they ain't doin me no good i wish they could etc etc

#reality of my brain i am very frightened to have people close to me do not do that that is so scary! but also be as close as possible! #please leave me alone because being close is very scary but please dont go. but im going to leave anyways bc im terrified #to have you any closer to me than an arm's length! then you'd really know me! and im too scared to ever let someone see me fully! #i find all parts of myself quite ugly and scary and i dont want you to see any of it and yet it will spill out anyways!!! #static.soundz #when i cannot create a distance i can control i am very frightened!!!!!!!!! i am working on it but i must acknowledge it is so scary!!!!!!!! #i have to leave first before a person can ever leave me! i hate when ppl leave me but at the same time i must go bc what if they leave!!! #< that is to say all of this isnt true and i dont need to do this but i have been operating on this mindset for years unfortunately

[elysianslove]

AH IDK WHERE TO START 😭😭😭 I WAS PLANNING TO GIVE MY REACTION REGARDING UR PRESENT (MATTSUN REQUEST) RIGHT AWAY BUT THE MOMENT I FINISHED IT I WAS UGLY CRYING ALONG WITH MIX FEELINGS.

that fic happened to describe my biggest concern in a relationship, just any kind of relationship. its really hard for me to trust someone enough to let them enter my life and see my true self. so when im feeling comfortable with someone i could see myself giving my all, id say ill love them 110% if thats even possible. which leads to my main fear — that nobody would ever match how deep i love/care for them and i cant help but feeling unease that one day they would find me clingy bc i keep on seeking any form of love affirmation or they would just simply falling out of love — i sometimes even think that love itself has an expired date — yeah thats prob just me building such defensive wall to prevent myself from disappointment. i also sent it to my best friend and her first reaction was she asked me wether i requested for that specific plot to u or not since its really remind her of me bc we literally just talked ab that issue and how much im scared of it.

&&& what i meant to say was (sorry for the tmi/long rambles of me being hopeless romantic 😭) when i requested for a fic i expected nothing bc i know u would make a great one anyway. i thought that ur gonna make a simple yet cute bday surprise scenario but then u put it in an angsty way that i surprisingly could relate — it almost feels like a personalized fic thats made specially for me — which ig thats just a coincidance? bc i dont quite remember telling u such details of my concern..

im not even exaggerating but thats def one of the best present i received this year. that fic personally means a lot to me and it has its own place in my heart. ive been wanting that type of fic to comfort myself whenever im stressed over the whole loving-someone-too-much thoughts, which i never quite find one thats close enough for me to put on my notes app — yeah i copied that fic of urs to my notes app so it would be easier for me to read whenever i need it ,, hope u dont mind 👉🏻👈🏻

i rlly dont know what to say bc theres no word that comes near to how grateful and lucky i am receiving that but THANK U SO MUCH &&& I LOVE U not just bc u wrote that but ily bc u exist 🥺‼️ (skdnekms i might cringe myself for saying sucj cheesy line but thats a later problem 😣) im whising u the same great things u hoped for me and hv a wonderful day my love 💖

— 🐬

i really wasn’t expecting this much and this great feedback and ,,, the fact that i actually properly catered to you and wrote what you wanted and needed to read :( im so happy lovely like so so so happy that you enjoyed it and that i could make you happy on such a special day.

and about your fear, i understand. it’s a little scary giving your all to someone with no real basis of how they’ll react except your own perception of them, but when it comes to things like this, you just have to trust. if the outcome is good, then you’ll be happy. and if it’s bad, you’ll learn. you’ll pick apart the signs and notice them in other people, you’ll grow as a person, you’ll build yourself to be stronger. commitment is insanely scary, and on my part, i’m not only scared a person is going to just grow tired of me, i’m scared i’m also gonna get tired or bored of them too. nothing like this is set in stone. it’s not just what’s written for you, it’s also what you’re willing to work through, you and your partner. communication is important, in every relationship, whether that be platonic or romantic or familial. you have to learn how to trust in yourself, and in the fact that it’s okay if you love too deeply. someone will come around and love you even deeper.

i really hope i’m making sense and/or reassuring you. i love you sososo much and i wish the absolute best for you, genuinely <3 and don’t thank me!! i was so happy to write it for you, and even more to hear that you liked it this much!!

lots of kisses, mwah <3

#asks #sal speaks <3 #— vip <3 🐬

[oikawa13]

love in the time of köttbullar

Shouyou sets the bowl on the tiny table with a flourish and an itadakimasu! and this is when it hits Atsumu harder than a Skurup to the temple:He wants this. Shouyou, hip cocked against the miniature kitchen countertop, smiling shyly up at Atsumu through the amber fan of his lashes, beautiful god-boy-man somehow glowing gold even under the buzzy LED lighting. Though they’re standing in a 430,000 square foot warehouse in Tsurumachi, Atsumu’s looking at Shouyou, and he’s home.

Amid the Flärdfull and the Smörboll, Miya Atsumu falls a little more in love.

words: 3,378 | rating: T

i’ve never been inside an ikea so this fic quite literally changed me as a person. sometimes loving a person is as scary as saying that first i love you!!!! and sometimes... love is easy as saying i love you at an ikea ; ;

LAUNCHING MERRILY DOWN THE PATH OF SIN (THE FIRST TIME)

"Bokuto said I should bring you home. But I don’t know where you live. So I took you here.”

“To hell?”

"No, Atsumu-san. To my apartment."

words: 1,990 | rating T

i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about this fic and then go on ao3 to reread it again its just so fdjgfhdjf good. i think about this shoyo a lot. theres something!!!! very dreamy going on here. this is the first part to a series btw, you can read them all if you want since theyre probably all around 1k :-)

lord i no longer believe in anything but the way he holds my name between his teeth

The miracle of the rabbit on the moon.

“We took this photo at their seventh birthday party. His father baked a cake. But someone ate all the jellybeans off the top before they could even sing the birthday song. That’s why Atsumu cried. He used to cry a lot. It stopped when the twins found out about volleyball, but before that Atsumu would cry over everything. Spilled milk. A skinned knee. The neighbor’s dog. He was the twin that was scared of paper straws. It's funny how things have changed.

“He looks happier now. Did you do that?”

words: 10,456 | rating: T

so, this goes just a liiiiitle past 10k so its up to you if you want to read it or not, i just thought i’d include it since its so! close! lol theres this part!!!!! they are holding hands underneath the table!!!!!!!!! atsumu are you drunk?!!! no!!!!! hes just so stupidly in love with shoyo. i cant stand them!!!!!!!!!!!

wait for it, wait for it

The notifications are up at 100+ again and Hana wants to check it quickly to make sure nothing's wrong, especially because she'd just cleared them before the media scrum. The fans, she figured, must be overjoyed with the win.Congratulations MSBY Nation!!! the first reply reads. #myspiker #atsuhinaBoth tags, she finds, are currently trending in Japan.

Five times #atsuhina trended on volleyball Twitter and one time it should have (but luckily didn't), as told by the MSBY Black Jackals' junior publicist

words: 6,043 | rating: T

this fic is SOOOOO much fun!!!!!! also i love hana, idk if i ever mentioned that before but yeah. this is like... hdjkdhgjfd so much ; ; <3

south of an early summer

Warmth, then, was being wanted back. Two weeks later, Atsumu holds that warmth in by Shouyou’s waist; he watches it, how it sleeps, and wonders what the heat will become next.

words: 2,602 | rating T | tw: atsumu being atsumu about (past) kg/hn for a split second

IF i wasnt an absolute fool and gave you all these recommendations to pick and choose from id just send you this and the walking emoji bc honestly!!!!!!!!! i may not know what the heck romantic means but i see this and maybe it is romantic! maybe its not the average romantic idk?!!!! but i do know theres something beautiful here. love ?? ; ;

truths in two’s

Shouyou leaves for Brazil in two hours.

words: 8,300 | rating: T

LDR.... but like, in probably one of the easiest 2 breathe/good feeling fic for ldr!!!! idk im a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ten reasons to break up with me: a love letter

1. It has to be you, ‘cause I won’t.

words: 4,197 | rating: T

pls....... i cant even THINK about this fic without crying okay!!!!!!!! insane. fuckign!!!! i love it so much, so much. it lives in my heart. this is the fic where i was like... i dont believe in love. yes i do. no<3 YES!!!!!!!! and cried and paced my room and finally FINALLY!!!!!! stopped feeling so hurt about hinata leaving for brazil again lmao!! like, i cant explain. this sounds crazy right???? anyway, i think... atsuhina can love each other so much it hurts when theyre apart but their love is so.... i mean......... they literally waited years to play together... so......... their love keeps them going..... GOODBYE!!!! i love listening to fka twigs cellophane & home with you and just..... being insane. 

just can’t help myself

Five times Hinata takes care of Atsumu, and one time Atsumu returns the favor.

words: 5,025 | rating: T

*think about atshn taking care of each other* *cries*

blue crush

And there’s a promise there, sewn into the easy curve of his lips: I’m not going anywhere, Atsumu-san. Glittering eyes that cut through the rain-blurry dark like a beacon when Shouyou turns back to look up at him. Even if you fuck up all of our dates.

Murphy’s Law as demonstrated by Miya Atsumu.

words: 2,297 | rating: T

atsumu trying very hard to have things perfect and romantic and even in the failures its still very lovely<3

If I’m Icarus, You Must be the Sun (Allow me Three Mistakes)

He wonders if Icarus felt like nothing was wrong with self-destructing, because he had reveled in the sun, if only for a little while.

Atsumu finds, loving Hinata is the same.

Atsumu's love over the years, and the mistakes that accompany it.

words: 4,620 | rating: T

i am...very weak to the whole icarus/sun thing with hinata and his ships. this one though......... i think about it A lot.

in your eyes, i see our future

“Yer’ a real sweetheart, Hinata Shouyou.”

Shouyou smiles brilliantly. “Only for you~”

He scoots over so Shouyou can sit next to him. He can smell the pineapple body wash Shouyou is so fond of the moment he sits down. Shouyou passes the tray over carefully before settling against the headboard comfortably.

“What’s the occasion?"

(Or, Atsumu just really wants to marry Shouyou.)

words: 9,769 | rating: T

fhdsjjkjfdsj goes crazy stupid over marriage!!!!! listen... i do not believe in marriage!!!!! but for atsuhina, oh you bet i do!!!! :-)

breathing a hello

There’s no significance to them ending up here except that both of their lives are held in the sway of volleyball. Everything else comes second.That’s the crux of it, really.

words: 2,826 | rating: T

gjhfsjkfd shhhhhhhhh. my heart is very soft when i think of them here, please..... just!!!! pls.

if you’re out there in the cold, i’ll cover you in moonlight

My [23M] best friend and ex-boyfriend [23M] is visiting me for a week, and my current boyfriend [24M] who agreed to all of this is suddenly withdrawing from me. Can I get some advice? Please? Anyone?

words: 8335 | rating: T | chapters: 3 | tw: past kg/hn 😳

this one is optional since you wanted one shots and theres 3 chapters here. my idea of romantic is...well, i especially love when one of them is acting hurtful/mean/difficult to the other bc their own personal issues but the other loves them anyway??? and then they work on that issue!!! just!!!!! ; ;

Love in the Time of Insomnia

And anyway Hinata was sprinting out faithfully after Atsumu, who had keys to the gym like a badass, and who was going to give his spikers a few more tosses after-hours without Meian knowing like the greatest, most generous badass the Jackals had ever seen. 

words: 2,457 | rating: G

running four kilometers just so atsumu can rest. this is what romantic means!!!! hdkshjfhdj

ode to what you’d have been

5 times it’s Kageyama’s fault and the 1 time Hinata realizes it has never been.

words: 3,628 | rating: G

loving someone including their flaws PART 2!!!!!! ok.... u might be like... um... this is romantic? hfdkhjfd LISTEN!!!! to me!!! there is nothing more romantic than being in love with someone and the ugly parts of them. going, i love you, all of you. and communication!!! and understanding!!! and feeling terrible and shitty and horrible but having the one you love accept you. and trying to help ease your mind, worries. *sobs real hard* also shout out 2 ‘okaaayy.... i hate sakusa now’

a shrine for a  boy

Despite his uncertainty about how to tell Atsumu of his move to São Paulo, Hinata takes action. Things do not go according to plan.

words: 2,447 | rating: G

hinatas time 2 be romantic and fail but its ok bc!!!!!!!!!! :-) they are just dummies in love<3

the greatest distance between you and longing is defeat

(In other words: Atsumu, let go. I’m here now.)

words: 3,310 | rating: G

um... *cries* post break up.... o_o!!!! god they really thought they could????? lmao!!!!!!

the tear in this (our gentle language)

“I’m going back to Brazil.”

He isn’t asking for permission. This isn’t a consultation. Hinata Shouyou informs his boyfriend at their after-practice practice. Miya Atsumu has a volleyball in each arm, trying to pick up a third. It drops and rolls away from him. The thud resounding in an empty gymnasium.

Shouyou had tried to envision Atsumu’s reaction many times. He never expected to be met with silence.

Alternatively: an exploration of Hinata Shouyou’s return to Brazil

words: 7,204 | rating: M

ldr CAN be romantic ok!!!!!!!! it takes a lot of communication, time, and love ; ;

evening sun

Atsumu looks at Shouyou and thinks, I want to know every inch of you.

words: 1,502 rating: M

[disabled-queen-hc-blog]

The Four Times John Had Something to Say but Couldn’t Find His Own Words

I decided to give myself a prompt because I can!! >:) So here’s a Joger fic with a disney scripting Deacy. In order, Kiss the Girl - Little Mermaid, Reflection - Mulan, Baby Mine - Dumbo, and A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes - Cinderella 

There were hundreds of stars in the sky right now. Maybe millions. Tiny specs of light peeking through the veil of navy space. Twinkling and shuddering, fading and glowing. 

It was a sight John could drink in forever. A view that sent his mind wandering, a little traveler through plumes of dust and horizons on black holes. Gorgeous. Simply so.

And what made it better was that Roger was next to him, taking in the majesty of the heavens alongside him. Splayed on on the roof of John’s house, cuddled together under the blanket of light, they laid there, watching, never saying much. 

John pointed at a star that shone red, perhaps a planet that Brian said were sometimes visible throughout the year, although he couldn’t be sure. He looked over at Roger to see if his boyfriend was seeing what he was, but he was met with a pair of piercing blue eyes watching him intently.

A blush rose in his cheeks, wondering how long Roger had been oogling at him. He bit his lip, staring back, hoping he could make Roger feel as giddy with his eyes as Roger had made him feel with his.

There those two lovestruck guys were, on a roof, bathed in moonlight, wind blowing through their hair. Perfect for a kiss, right? At least John thought so. And maybe Roger did too, but he seemed hesitant, his eyebrows slightly furrowed. 

“Look at the boy too shy. He ain’t gonna kiss the girl. Ain’t that sad? Ain’t it shame? Too bad you gonna miss the girl.” John sang softly, a small smile on his mouth. One grew on Roger’s too, the oh so familiar Disney song being sung to him by an impatient John. 

“Oh you,” Roger pretended to grip before he leaned over, holding onto John’s chin with his thumb and forefinger, pulling him into a kiss.

John made happy noises, his eye crinkles coming out.

♚

John looked down at his hands. They were quite big for his arms and the finger tips calloused from thick bass strings. 

He knew these hands very well. He saw them everyday and used them to make music with his friends. 

He looked down at his feet, only clad in some ratty socks. They were actually small for someone of his stature, but nonetheless his.

He wriggled his toes. Rolled onto the balls of his feet and back. These were the feet that carried him everywhere. Fun places like Japan and scary places like doctors offices. 

Then he looked straight ahead at the mirror he’d been avoiding in his bathroom. 

There was a face before him that mimicked his every move, but it didn’t feel like him. Sleepy steel grey eyes blinked and pouty lips moved but he didn’t think it was him. 

He touched one of the moles on his face and his reflection touched it too. He tossed his wavy hair over his shoulder and the mirror copied. 

He didn’t like it. It didn’t make sense. 

He touched his chest, his ribs poked out. John lived there, he’d say if asked. In his heart. Every experience and laugh and cry came from there. Not..that.

He touched the glass where his face was, not recognizing the stranger before him.

That wasn’t him.

Never felt like him.

And to think that’s all the world ever saw and digest. That person in the mirror. That vessel he had limited control of.

He didn’t like it.

“Why is my reflection someone I dont know. Some how I can not hide who I am, though I've tried. When will my reflection show who I am inside?” he whispered to himself, his finger pads tracing his chin on the mirror.

He didn’t leave his bathroom that night.

♚

The front of Roger’s shirt was soaked. Not from a spilled drink or sudden rain, but from how hard and long he’d been crying. 

John came home, the first sound he was greeted with being throat splitting cries. He knew it was Roger because Roger never did anything halfway. If he was going to cry, it was going to be loud and ugly. 

Panic set into his bones, throwing everything he had in his arms onto the floor and running into their shared room. 

Roger was on the bed, sitting at an edge, feet tucked under himself, arms wrapped around his middle. His whole face was red and splotchy, especially his eyes which when they peered up to look at John, shattered his heart.

John rushed in, picking up the broken Roger in his arms and holding him close. He wasn’t very fond of touch most times, but it wasn’t about him right now. 

Roger’s head fell into the crook of his neck, his fiery hot cheeks and warm tears pressing against his skin uncomfortably. His ear splitting sobs dampened into sniffles and hiccups, his whole frame still shaking. 

“What happened?” John asked, knowing that people usually cried for reasons. Roger was probably upset over something. 

Roger licked his salty lips, making himself as tiny as possible on John’s lap, pressing into John’s flesh with everything he had. As if he wanted to disappear into his boyfriend, the only safe place he knew in this world. John continued to hold him steadfast, patient in waiting for an answer.

“Was s-stimming in a cafe. Too loud maybe. Owner c-called me a spaz. Got kicked out,” Roger stuttered out, voice shaking harder than he was.

John nodded, his stomach feeling heavy. He knew that all to well. 

And there was so much he wanted to tell Roger. Every positive thing he could muster. But his brain was a little frazzled from all of this. He settled for something easily digestible and something that would be what Roger needed to hear.

“All those same people who scold you,what they'd give just for the right to hold you. From your head to your toes you're so sweet, goodness knows. You are so precious to me. Sweet as can be, baby of mine,” he cooed barely above a whisper into Roger’s ear, rocking them both gently, the bed creaking with every move.

“Baby mine, don't you cry. Baby mine, dry your eyes. Rest your head close to my heart. Never to part, baby of mine,”

“Don't you mind what they say. Let those eyes sparkle and shine. Never a tear, baby of mine,”

“Baby mine, Baby mine,”

♚

John was idly plucking at his bass, listening to the cacophony around him. Brian was tuning his guitar, Roger smashing at the cymbals and Freddie yelling (his way of warming up, or so he says).

He looked up from the shiny black paint of his bass, eyes scanning the room, staring intently at every familiar face before moving on to the next one, the feeling of sunshines growing in his chest. 

John never really had friends. In school, he was always alone, not by choice but by forced exclusion from his peers. He was weird and awkward and that was enough for everyone to avoid him like the plague for those 16 years.

The thing was, he really wanted friends. He wanted what he saw all around him. Hand holding and whispering and giggling and playing tag and shared looks and- all of it. He craved it so badly. But it was never allowed to him. 

Instead he was forced to watch from the sidelines, having only himself to confide in.

Those were miserable years. A dark time in his life he didn’t like to think of.

University wasn’t all that different, but at least the bullying and teasing stopped.

But it wasn’t until the package of Queen fell into his life that his days began to look more yellow, more happy.

He found a group of friends that he finally belonged to. Friends that loved him for who he was, never asking him to change, never ashamed of how he acted and talked.

He had friends to tell secrets to and share stories with. He had a group of friends just like the ones in his day and night dreams. The kind of friends he spent years praying would find him. 

And they were right there, right now, fiddling around, content in his presence just as much as he was theirs. 

Freddie, his protector, was plugging in his mic, tapping the head of it to see if it all worked. His eyes connected with John, flashing him a sweet toothy grin before continuing with whatever he was doing.

Brian, his older brother, was strumming Red Special, head leaning down to get a better listen of the finally tuned strings. He caught John staring and laughed quietly, head shaking. 

And Roger, his friend turned lover, was inspecting a drumstick for cracks or splinters when he felt a pair of eyes on him. He looked up and immediately his shoulders straightened, a obnoxious and goofy smile spreading on his lips. 

People say dreams are childish and never come true but John wasn’t sure of that anymore.

“Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true,” John said with a lilt in his voice, as if he couldn’t decide between speaking or singing what he felt.

Everyone stopped what they were doing to listen, knowing John was communicating and not just singing for fun. 

Every expression softened, a pink dusting over Roger’s cheeks. 

“Are you happy, darling?” Freddie asked, a smile in his voice.

John nodded, continuing, feeling sparklers in his tummy when Freddie joined him.

“A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches. Whatever you wish for, you keep,”

#joger #dealor #autistic!john #autistic!roger #autism #john #roger #queen fanfiction #the dumbo one tots didnt make me cry #queen fic

[neotericbitch]

a sequel to DarqAnon

part the first

It’s quite abusive, there I said it, how you’re allowed to force a ritual onto a child, whether it be reciting an anthem or staring at the sun, before their brain has developed enough to comprehend the significance. In fact, doing so makes it more likely that as the child grows up, they will never truly find meaning in the action! How sad is that? I’d never force anything on my son.

Growing up, staring into the sun was something I never understood. For a long time I didn’t, I couldn’t conceive of the satisfaction or happiness my family derived from it. It meant something to them, so they tried to teach it to me, but it never meant anything to me. I understood that the sun was their god, but because I never truly believed, I couldn’t grasp how or why it would be important to them to stare up at it, burning their eyeballs out of their sockets. Their god was sending a clear message, do not look at me. Why would they do it anyway?

Oh, but - do keep in mind that that’s all in the past. I understand now. I understand perfectly.

Valkyrie Cain has the most brilliant black eyes. Truly, her every feature is marvellous, her sharp nose, her expressive mouth - but I always go back to the eyes. For Crandall, it’s her hands. They’ve shared many times over many meetings, to the point where I find it very annoying, that they want nothing more than to feel her hands on the sides of their head before she crushes it. I think it’s a nice little fantasy to have, just stop telling us about it. I have only ever shared what I wanted two, maybe three times. That’s an acceptable amount of times! Any more is overdoing it, Crandall! Crandall, I know you’re listening. I’ve been able to feel it even when a very good Sensitive is in my head, Crandall, and you are not a very good Sensitive.

Beside me they turn their head away. Why would they want to listen to my thoughts, anyway, when Valkyrie is here? I suppose I understand their hesitance. Darquesse, goodness - Darquesse wouldn’t stand for anyone hearing her thoughts, absolutely not! To attempt it on her would be a high offence. But Crandall, if you’re still listening, I’d say go ahead for the time being. Darquesse isn’t here. Not yet.

Looking at her, it all makes sense. I want to call up my mother and tell her I understand, I understand wanting - needing! - to look at something, even if it does not want you to. The sun may try to blind you. Valkyrie may glare and scream and curse. But you simply cannot look away.

I cannot call up my mother, of course. She has been dead for a hundred years, and I’m busy right now - and I don’t think there’s mobile phone reception here anyway.

For this week’s Thursday meeting, 6 to 7:30, we have made a temporary move from the community hall to the vault, generously donated for DA’s use by Nicki, who we had to murder. Dear girl, she didn’t want to let me hold the meeting here this week. I suggested it at the end of last week’s meeting and everyone was very excited. A hundred meters beneath the spot where Darquesse opened her portal to another dimension and disappeared - we’re so lucky to have this place! Of course everyone wants to come here whenever we have the opportunity! But Nicki said no. Nicki said to me, “Isserley, these meetings have been really great, you are a good organiser and I’m very happy to have met everyone, but I think what you’re planning is wrong. Please return the vault key to me.” So we had to kill her.

And here we are tonight, and I almost wish Nicki were here so I could say, to think you didn’t want this! The meeting is going very well, I think it’s our best one yet. 6:40 and we’re just about to finish setting up, we’re a neat little group of people. We won’t go over time at all! I’d like to say that I, being an incredibly organised person, have been a good influence on my fellow DA-goers.

Salma finishes painting the symbol on the ground. Her designs are ugly, but she has a steady hand and knows how best to use the petrol paste, a very special concoction. No one else could have done this job - though I must admit, I am a bit envious. Easy, Isserley! Remember, your job is the most important. Without you, this wouldn’t work. Without you, Valkyrie would not even be here.

Salma reaches for Valkyrie. She thrashes wildly - and I can’t say I blame her! I wouldn’t want Salma to touch me, either! Haha. But it really won’t do for her to behave this way, we really need her complete cooperation, so I motion to Respite at the wall and he turns the crank, tightening the chains attached to the bound cuffs at her every limb. She is pulled tight, and by the sounds of it it’s not a very comfortable experience, but now she is tense and mostly still - perfect for Salma to draw the symbol on her wrists and stomach.

She puts up a hell of a fight when Respite disconnects the chains from the wall and reconnects them to the floor, at each corner of where the symbol has been painted so she is now seated in the centre. I can’t help but smile! She reminds me of one of those beautiful shrine maidens. If only I’d thought of that earlier. I would have put this off one more week and gotten an outfit made. But the clothes she put on herself this morning are more than lovely. Darquesse will like them. Darquesse will like being back.

Valkyrie keeps straining and trying to get up, the poor dear! I wish I could go over there and pat her face, like I used to pat my son’s when he was resisting me - I wish I could tell her everything will be alright. But I know, even chained and without magic, she could certainly find a way to kill me if I were within reach. And I don’t want her to kill me until the ritual is complete, of course! Otherwise what would be the point?

“I don’t even know,” Valkyrie growls - what a good word for it! Indeed, she is doing her very best to sound deep, dark and scary. Soon it will come naturally. “I don’t even know what you think this will do. It’s not a full moon, or a blood moon, or any kind of moon. It’s not a magical day, it’s not a holiday, it’s not even a day that means anything to me.”

It’s my birthday, but don’t tell anyone that. It’s my special little secret, my gift to myself.

“This sigil is totally made-up. It’s not going to do anything.” She tries to raise her hand to her face to wipe off some sweat, but the chain is too short. “Let me go and I’ll make it quick - because when Skulduggery gets here, he certainly fucking won’t.”

I crouch down to be on her level, and I’m filled with such...reverence. I understand. I understand. This is what I was supposed to feel kneeling in the sweltering heat for hours on end. I’m glad I feel it here instead.

“You will kill us,” I say. “But we’re not going to uncuff you, you’ll do that yourself.”

“What are you talking about?” She is so exasperated and so irritated and so wonderful. “These cuffs are bound. It doesn’t matter how great you think I am, I’m not that strong.”

“You will be! You will be.” In the corner of my vision I see Salma fidgeting. Salma!!! You’re ruining this!! To make her stop, I gesture at her so she can speak and stop annoying everyone with her movements.

“The sigil you’re sitting on,” she fires off in her horrible, grating voice, “and the sigils that are on you are my own designs. Just because you haven’t seen them before doesn’t mean they won’t work. They’ll work.” Her lip trembles and she bows her head. “I’m sorry you don’t...believe in me.”

Valkyrie stares for a moment. “You’re completely nuts.” Nuts! Aah! That’s the word I use to describe her! How exciting!

“They’ll work, I swear. I promise. We only need to activate them, and...” Salma looks to me. Unfortunately, I have to stand up now and go back to looking down on Valkyrie. It’s okay, though. It’s okay. Soon she’ll be looking down on me.

For now, she doesn’t look at me at all. She looks down at where she’s put her arms on her knees, wrists facing out. Perhaps Supreme Mage Sorrows once gave her a lesson on what certain strokes can mean, perhaps she’s trying to work out how to counteract our symbol.

She’s fabulous and smart, yes, but she won’t be able to work it out. I am confident. I snap my fingers, summoning a bright, orange flame into my hand. She lifts her head, looks me directly in the eye, and I smile widely. Very widely. Not widely enough. I hope, before Darquesse kills me, she at least takes the time to appreciate what I’m doing for her. I hope she recognises how much I love her. No - I don’t hope. I know. She will. She must.

I take a step forward and crouch again, reaching my hand out to the edge of the symbol on the ground. My flame will catch onto the petrol paste and spread immediately. Valkyrie will be burned, but only a little bit! Just a little bit. Long enough for the fire to catch the symbols on her skin, and she will be protected - and Darquesse will be summoned back into her. She will be complete again.

Before my flame touches the paste, Valkyrie shoots her hand out and smudges the line, which gives me just about the fright of my life! Thank goodness I have such incredible reflexes, otherwise I wouldn’t have jerked my hand away in time. The paste would have caught on fire and surely burned her to death! She rubs her wrists together, wiping away the symbols written there, then kicks her legs out from under her so she’s in a more traditional butt-to-ground position, but that means she’s made the ground symbol worse and displaced dirt into my face.

It’s hard to love her when she has literally blinded me. That whole thing about the sun and everything, it was more of a metaphor. I still love her of course! I’m only taken aback. Anything I may say as I fall backwards isn’t really my fault, since she’s the one who kicked dirt in my eyes. It's more of my reflexes. I never would say anything of the sort to her under normal circumstances. Never.

“You bitch!”

What an inconvenience. I don’t get to see any of what happens next! I only hear the door flying open and gunshots, the sounds of my people yelling and trying to fight. Punches, kicks, bodies falling to the ground. When I hear Salma scream and feel her blood land on my face, I can’t help it! I can’t help it but think, serves you right for putting a cent in the collection tray every week!

“Skulduggery, the-”

“Valkyrie. Are you alright?” Is that him getting on his knees? Maybe he understands after all. “Are you hurt?”

“My skin’s burning, let me loose so I can get this shit off me. The crank on the wall, I think that controls the cuffs.”

I roll onto my side and wipe the dirt from my eyes. I hear Pleasant at the wall, turning the crank back and hitting the release. It’s terribly uncomfortable, but I can open my eyes and see well enough - and what I see is Crandall dead next to me! It’s such a shock, my heart skips at least three beats. That rotten Pleasant. What a barbarian. I lift my head as carefully as I can, so I won’t be noticed. Valkyrie has lifted her shirt to get the symbol off her stomach and cannot see me.

This is so unfair. I put so much work into this plan. It was so hard to trap her! I was going to bring Darquesse back. Me. Not Crandall, not Salma. Not Nicki. Her black eyes would have bored into my skull and killed me and I would have been good and happy. Huh! Maybe I'm not too different to those Faceless worshippers who go blowing themselves up in public places.

“Isserley. I thought that was you.” Pleasant. Pleasant is talking to me. “How have you been?”

Valkyrie snaps her head up at him. “You know her?”

“We’ve seen her in the High Sanctuary.”

“Jesus. Is there anyone you don’t remember.”

“No.” He reaches out and wipes the rest of the symbol off her stomach in one motion. I have dirt in my eyes but I see how her tummy kind of curls in a bit as she drops her shirt down.

That should be me. That should be me. I love her more than anyone. I burst into tears.

“She tried to set me on fire.”

“I think a list of people who haven’t tried to set you on fire would be shorter than a list of those who have.” I hear the clink of handcuffs. “Come on, now, Isserley.”

I let my head drop back onto the ground and stare up at the ceiling. I do not take one more look at Valkyrie. I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy. I failed. “Why don’t you just kill me.” I’m not even aware of myself saying it, to be honest! Just one of those things that...slips out...

“She makes a good point, Skulduggery.”

“Can’t be done. We should leave at least one cultist alive to arrest, so why not take the woman in charge?”

“How do you know she’s the one in charge?”

His terrible skull fills my vision as he looks down at me. You know, hearing him talk this much at one time has jogged my memory. And he does happen to wear very beautiful suits. My mouth falls open. “You’re-”

Valkyrie was startled for a moment by the sudden gunshot. Shoulders tensed, she looked over to Skulduggery standing over the woman, gun still pointed into a face that didn’t really exist anymore.

“What made you change your mind?” she asked as he put the revolver away. Skulduggery came over to her and brushed some hair out of her face, went back to fussing over the injuries she sustained on her way here.

“Too talkative,” he said, and she laughed and teased him about being a hypocrite.

#skulduggery pleasant #thanks for subscribing

[snipsnsnailsnwerewolftales]

No Matter What - Part 4

A/N: Based off of the song “One Call Away” by Charlie Puth, this will be a multichapter fic with a line of lyric being the headers to break down the thought process of the chapter. None of the lyrics are mine, and they are all in bold - Again, I do not claim to own them, all credit where credit is due.

I do not own Teen Wolf or it’s characters. Sadly.

Word Count: 2,270 (Not including lyrics.)

Warnings: None that I know of. Mild language? Some slight angst, and mention of blood and injury, but mostly fluffy. Picks up right where the last part left off. I think that’s it.

Beautiful people who helped me when I came to them with this crazy idea and said to run with it: @wheresthekillswitch @aworldmadeforme @life-what-life-i-dont-have-one

How to be a Werewolf 101: Getting bitten was the easy part. Controlling the shifts that come after? Not so much. It’d been a long, hard road for you once you were bitten, never quite being able to control the shift even now, almost a year later. You were always told that Beacon Hills would hold a handful of people willing to drop everything to come an help you, no matter the situation, all you had to do was let them know, and they’d be there. So far you hadn’t had to ask a single time. But when pride becomes a bigger issue, and the war raging inside of you becomes more and more of a losing battle, you find yourself having to let go, and give in, putting your trust in others once again, instead of yourself, and believing they will do what is best for you, no matter what.

Series Masterlist

Xxx

Come along with me and don't be scared

You had just breached the doors of the large building that housed Derek’s loft, throwing them both wide open carelessly as you barged straight through, slowing your stride once you stepped over the threshold and into the parking lot, all but coming to a stop, when you heard quick footsteps just a few feet behind your own, mirroring your abrupt halt of movement.

Your breathing was fast, coming in quick spurts, just like your frantic heart rate, and you let out a sigh to try and calm them all down. The words came out on the breath of air, sounding exasperated. “What do you want, Derek?” You said it to the empty space in front of you, not wanting to turn and face him again just yet. Scanning the edge of the lot vacantly, you waited on his answer.

“I think you’re scared.” His voice was strong, confident, but there was that tiny little bit of caring he only let show for a few, that little sliver of softness that was your downfall every time.

Well not this time.

You snorted a laugh, turning to look at him now, scoffing before your face turned into a sarcastic sneer. “Oh yeah? Of what?”

“Of living.” He didn’t miss a beat. And damn he hit close to home. You hated it when he did that. He was silent, but was always watching, and he knew things you could only wish to someday learn.

Okay maybe this time.

Staring at him with an emotionless glare, snapping your jaw shut, your lips a tight thin line, you let your arms fall down to your sides with a loud slap in defeat, where they just dangled limply, unable to aid you any further in this argument.

Silence hung heavily in the air, so much so, until you couldn’t take it anymore and all but popped it with a double edged sword. “So what do I do about it, Derek? Huh?” Your shoulders rose in a shrug, showing their agreeance with your words before falling back down quickly, your stare still leveled on him. “Tell me how to not be afraid. Because frankly, I’m terrified.” You found yourself biting your bottom lip to keep it from trembling unexpectedly. “Everyday.” Your eyes began to water along with the downcast turn your lips were taking, catching you completely by surprise, that third, unknown presence in your mind rearing it’s ugly head again, and trying to push to the surface. It felt like it had the potential to make things so much easier, but at the same time, add an entire new level of shit to deal with.

“Just, tell me, Derek. Because I am completely at a loss here.” The tears began to fall. “I’m scared of myself, despite everything, at the end of the day, I’m scared of myself, and that needs to stop now.”

I just wanna set you free

“Once you get control, it’ll be easier for you. It’s not so scary when you know you have a handle on it.”

You rolled your eyes. “Derek, it’s not that simple. On a basic level, we as a species are terrifying. We can do some pretty bad shit.”

“Just because we’re predators, doesn’t mean we’re killers-”

You laughed a wet, sarcastic laugh, screwing your eyes shut. “Don’t feed me that shit again, Derek. Not again.” Opening your eyes to look into his, you knew it was a low blow, but it drove your point home. “You have blue eyes, Derek. You of all people should know to be afraid of what we are.”

He looked hurt for only a moment, before pain from the memories took hold, then an altogether defiant look came over his features, his shoulders squared, his spine straightened, and the glint in his eye was back. Derek was back, and he wasn’t letting either of you go down without a fight, metaphorically or physically.

“No, I only know to be afraid of what others want to make me.”

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon

Gesturing to you with his outstretched hand, he cleared his throat as he looked at the ground before meeting your eyes, a smile on his face as it almost seemed to light up the air around you. “Yes, Hale?” You asked as his mouth opened to speak, earning you a light hearted glare that made you giggle softly as you swiped the tears from your cheeks.

“Come over.” Two words. So many meanings. Too many possibilities. Endless opportunities.

“I really should be going, it’s getting late.” You glanced guiltily to your watch, seeing the early time, and knowing you weren’t tired in the slightest.

He took a step closer, fingertips barely brushing yours as you reached out to meet him on pure instinct. “Come over.” Two words. So many meanings. Too many possibilities.

“Derek, I said it’s getting late! I’m trying to start a new bedtime.” Lies.

His hand reached yours, grasping it fully. “Come over.” Two words. So many meanings.

“I don’t have a change of clothes with me here.” More lies.

He just smiled, and started walking you to your car, helping you into the driver's seat, closing the door and speaking through the open window with a smile, before walking over to his own car and opening the driver's door, leaning his forearms on top of the vehicle, leveling his gaze on you. “I’m coming over.” Two words.

“Okay.” One word.

You and me can make it anywhere

Letting out a huff, you repeatedly tried to blow a piece of hair hanging in your face to it’s rightful spot back atop your head, letting out a frustrated grunt when it didn’t work. You stared at the offending strand angrily, as if you could will it back into place by sheer glare power.

“This is all your fault, Hale,” you grumbled, still staring at the hair before giving it a roll of your eyes and a flip of your head to try and get it back in place with a little momentum. You succeeded, but the victory was short lived as the motion caused you to bash the back of your head against Derek’s who was tied to the back of you, your shoulder blades pressing together uncomfortably, and your hands bound together in one giant mass of rope. The hair fell back down into your face with the recoil you gave at the collision, making your groan turn from pain to one of frustration.

“So you headbutt me?” He asked incredulously, his head turned to the side to see you in his peripherals.

You barely let him finish before you cut in, “It was an accident.” You were turned just enough to see him, but not enough that he would notice, or at least you hoped.

He smirked. “I told you not to get that haircut.”

Jutting your chin into the air stubbornly, you spoke with mock confidence. “You’re just jealous you don’t have cheekbones like me.”

He snorted a laugh. “Please. I have the cheekbones of someone straight out of a magazine, and you know it. You’re just jealous.”

“My God, you have a big head,” you laughed softly, “and I don’t just mean that because it feels like I bashed mine into a rock a minute ago.” A comfortable silence fell between you, and you could feel his shoulders shaking gently in a silent laugh. “What is this, the third time you got our asses captured?” This time you turned your head completely to the side to look at him, eyebrow raised mockingly.

“Shut up. I can’t help it if everyone wants a piece of Hale.” He was grinning madly, turning to you with his own eyebrow raised playfully.

You looked straight forward again, your face blank. “Ew. Don’t ever make that joke again.”

A pounding on the door to the dingy little room that the two of you were in startled you back to the situation at hand. “Shut up, you two!” One of the voices of your captors yelled through the steel before his footsteps retreated.

Suddenly your heart was racing for a whole different reason, no longer just from being startled, but because Derek had twisted his hands within the binding, successfully grabbing hold of one of yours, and knitting your fingers together tightly.

You felt his head turn to the side, so you matched him, catching his gaze on you before it fell to the floor, a small smile on his face as he whispered, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think your heart rate was trying to tell me something.”

When his gaze flitted back up to yours, you narrowed your eyes at him, mumbling a, “Shut up,” before you felt your own smile coming on, and let your gaze fall to the floor as you felt your heartbeat slow down, keeping the shift you felt at bay.

The urge completely disappearing when he gave your hand a gentle squeeze.

But for now, we can stay here for a while

They had come in and let you both up, untying your hands because they got tired of you complaining each time they walked by. You and Derek had taken to shouting long, nonsensical things, simply to irritate your captors, and it had worked. Step one of escape plan, complete.

Rubbing your raw wrists that healed by the second, although slowly, because, once again, wolfsbane made your life a living hell, you looked to Derek, meeting his gaze and freezing where you stood.

Something in his eyes seemed deeper than before. You’d known each other forever, and yes he was the one that bit you before he lost his Alpha status, but this was different than the emotions involved with either of those. This was like seeing someone for the first time, and feeling drawn to them by some invisible force. Deaton had gone into great detail once about anchors and tethers, and you wished you’d paid more attention. But something in the back of your head knew, and it made you take an almost imperceptible step closer to him, your eyes never leaving his.

He took a deep breath, stepping up so he was toe to toe with you, making you crane your neck back even further to maintain that eye contact. “It’s the worst timing, and that is not a pun on how short our time may be, but, I just have to say it.”

Looking between his eyes, your gaze flitting back and forth, searching, you found the words slipping out of you on a whisper, words you didn’t completely expect yourself to voice, but were playing in your head on a loop. That had been for a while. Only now they decided to come out and be heard. “Then what’s stopping you?”

Smiling softly, he let out a laugh on a single breath of air, looking to your lips before looking down to the ground, his hands taking yours in his own drawing his focus for a moment before he finally looked you in the eyes again. “The fact that your lips are still moving, they always are, and whenever that happens, I lose all sense of thought and get lost in the sound of the music of your voice.”

You felt your face drawing impossibly closer to his, your words still whispered as you felt his warm breath against your face, “That was very dramatic and sappy.”

“Just shut up and kiss me.” The words were muttered, his lips brushing against yours with the movement, his warm breath making your heartbeat skip.

“Okay.” One word. So many meanings. Too many possibilities. Endless opportunities.

A key scratching against the lock of the door to the room you were in drew both of your attention away from one another, eyes glancing at the door as the handle jiggled. Looking back to Derek, you smirked before speaking, your lips still brushing against one another’s. “But first, let me kick this guy’s ass, and we’ll get out of here.”

He gave a smirk to match. “Only if I can help.”

'Cause you know, I just wanna see you smile

Running from the dimly lit building that had held you captive for the last however many days, you glanced sideways at Derek, your face turned into an uncharacteristically wide smile, given the situation.

He glanced at you, mirroring the motion, giving a gentle shake of his head before looking straight forward again. “You should do it more often.”

Your eyebrows knit together in confusion, but the upturn of your lips remained the same. “Do what?”

He chuckled. “I’m not telling you.”

You let out a deep laugh, shoving his shoulder gently. “Derek!” He stumbled slightly from the impact, laughing along with you, and grabbed your wrist, taking you along with him as he fell to the ground. You landed on top of him, grinning and giggling like a schoolgirl, looking down to see his smile hadn’t gone anywhere, and that look from earlier was back in his eyes.

“That. Do more of that.”

“Using you as a cushion for my many falls?”

“No, smartass,” he tickled your sides slightly, making your arms that were supporting you collapse as you returned to a fit of giggles, your face coming once again impossibly closer to his until you were where you had left off earlier, his lips brushing against yours as he whispered, “You know what I mean.”

And suddenly the space left between ceased to exist, as his lips molded with your own, melting into a deep kiss that made your mind go blank, and everything feel at ease for the first time in a long time. It was just you and him. And that was more than okay. More than one word. So many meanings. Too many possibilities. Endless opportunities. It was simply and utterly…. More.

Xxx

Tags: @evyiione @mayahart02 @palaiasaurus64 @shydinosaurcandy @lucyqueenofthestars @storytelling-reader @jazzrivera27 @c-breanne1999 @bless-my-demons What’s this?

#derek hale imagine #derek hale x reader #stiles stilinski imagine #stiles stilinski x reader #deaton imagine #deaton x reader #pack imagine #pack x reader #sheriff stilinski imagine #sheriff stilinski x reader #jordan parrish imagine #jordan parrish x reader #scott mccall imagine #scott mccall x reader #teen wolf #teen wolf imagine #teen wolf x reader #teen wolf reader insert #teen wolf fluff #fluff #tw fluff #no matter what #my mind spins stories

[newkindofviolence]

Fenris + Era Hawke

Writing from when I was in High School but thinking of continuing this series (8 total so far).

Part 1: Our First Meeting

Ugh. I hate doing quests for all these random people. What am I, a basic mercenary on the top of some call list? I’m freakin’ Era Hawke, rogue, thief, and all around charmer. I'm sure there are other people who could do this. Play bait for an ambushed in some random house in the Alienage. There was nothing in that damn chest either. At least give me something for being the bait.

My companions and I leave the house and walk outside. Varric and Bethany seeming as put out as I am, but Merrill is as happy as ever to just be included. I’d have brought Aveline, but she had guard duty tonight and I had the feeling this wasn’t quite within the law.

I’m pulled from my thoughts when, yet again, another group is waiting for us. Probably, lo and behold, wanting to hurt us. The shock.

"Where's the elf?" The woman in front of them looks like a real mercenary should. Her armor is solid, but cheap steel. No mismatching of random items or odd colored trinkets. Very professional all around. By the maker, how was I getting mixed up with these people?

"You mean this one?” I point in exaggerated confusion at Merrill. The ears are rather obvious after all. Maybe they have seeing problems? And it is possible that Merrill accidentally annoyed the wrong person. At least it wasn’t discovered she was a mage, Templars are far more obvious if just as oblivious.

"No you idiot, the white haired one!” They can’t see an elf, but they’re calling me an idiot? By this point, I’m more amusingly confused than annoyed, and white hair would be rather hard to miss since no one is wearing helmets.

A dark haired man near the back of the group scowls, his already ugly face becoming worse. How is that possibly? It really should be against the law to make ugly expressions with an ugly face. "Maybe they don't know where he is. They’re a waste of time." That’s just rude, they’re the ones ambushing us and wasting our time.

"Probably…” She shakes her head and waves to the rest of the group. “Kill them!”

I suppress a sigh. Simpletons. Just attack an armed group you know nothing about and only barely have numbers on, sounds like a wonderful plan.

Done to Here   -

After we dealt with the group there was only left, I was about to take him down with my blades then a blue glowing fist came through his heart appeared. I was scared but was ready for this.

"There's no need for the hostility" said the elf with nice white hair. Dear lord he was handsome but could be dangerous. I hate when I'm attracted to the most dangerous men and most of them are not greatly look upon by my family.

"Who are you and what are you doing here? " I said standing ready if he pulls anything.

"these people are slave hunters and unfortunately I'm a slave" he said looking at me.

"too many hunters for one person unless you've killed the person who supposedly owns you? " I didn't want to say the world slave because he didn't seem dangerous towards us.

"well I'm lined with lyrium which that explains the markings all over me, this make me look like a monster" he said looking to himself.

" I don't really care about the markings I actually liked them already you dont have like 20 different people's blood on you" I said with a smile.

"That is true, I rather have markings than blood" Varric said.

The guy smiled and blush. "I'm Fenris"

"I'm Era Hawke"

"Varric"

"Bethany" Fenris seemed uneasy with Bethany.

"Merrill, nice to meet you" she said happily.

"is there anymore of them? " I said looking around.

"there's more at my old masters house in hightown" he said

"do you need any help" I said.

"Thanks for the offer you just met me I don't want you to go to any trouble. " he looked at me.

"it's fine I don't mind" I looked back at my companions. "do you guys want to help its fine if you wanna go home now"

All of them looked tired from the fight and apologize for not coming but I told them to have a good night rest. I went with Fenris to Hightown along the way I wanted to know more about him, I had this feeling when first meeting him.

"so.. How did you get away? "

"I ran away with a group of bandits spent some time with them but Darnius still found me" he said looking around.

"He's still trying to find because of your markings isn't it? " I looked at him, he wasn't scary at all, I loved his markings so much. He noticed me looking and said

"Yes these markings gives me power... "

"and Darnius is using you as a guard for him? "

"well yes and no I was he's little experiment he came up with" he looked at me.

"But why would he do that? I looked concerned

"he was my master and master do whatever they want to their property" he said with disdain.

"I don't like that at all" I said looking at him. We kept on walking and finally made it to Hightown and found Darius mansion.

"we can't use the front door, we have to go around" he said

We found a backwater into the mansion and a few minutes later we cleared through the mansion and ended up in what look like a bedroom.

"He's not here? Is this one of his numerous hiding places? " I sat down on a chair next to the table.Fenris sat down as well with wine in his hand.

"he's probably waiting outside right now" he drank some wine.

" I don't think so" fixing my hair, it was a mess from this eventful night.

"You look fine" he said looking at me.

"well mine is not all perfect all the time like yours! " I said brushing through it with my fingers. Sometimes I love my long black hair but then I don't like it.

He chuckled. " if I knew who would have gone to that house I would of gone by myself"

" why is that? " finished with my hair.

"I didn't know a woman like you would go into that" he drank some more.

" I think that's the wine talking" I blush.

" no it's not maybe I should practice talking to a beautiful woman like you" he smiled

" I hope it's only me" what was I was saying I just met him but... But he was so I dont know how to explain, I have this feeling about him.

"I'm sure I lived long but no woman show me the respect you give me and you barely know me. I don't want you to stay up all night long with me, I want you to sleep, I'm pretty sure your busy" he said

"I don't mind talking to you Fenris" I smiled. He smiled back. His smile so gorgeous

"I'm more worried about you going home if you mind I would like to make sure your taken home safely" he said and got up walked towards me. "let's go"

"that's nice of you Fenris thank you. "

#dragonage #fenris #dragon age imagines #fenrisimagines #sorrynotsorry

[apricotflowerp0t-blog]

Old poems

these are all of MY older poems going from 2014-2017

found my wattpad from ages ago and im going to be posting my old poems every now and then so pls dont make fun of me these are old but i WILL eventually start to post my newer work soon xxxxx 

 Suicide stays on my mental

Wondering what's really gonna happen when I finally break thru

When I finally get fed up and sick of the shit

When I finally sit there and decide to quit

The only thing that's stopping me is my own hand

Feels like nobody really there like it's all just an act

I really don't have nobody that truly got my back

Every single one of you is fake and fucking temporary

Nobody gonna b satisfied till I finally end it

Till I finally get pushed to the point and say fuck it

You think I'm all talk but watch one day I'll show you

When I finally get the guts to just end it cuz see I don't even know you

I could cut it off quick like I got nothing to live for

Cuz see I'm truly careless like it don't even matter

You not gonna b happy till my brains really splatter

Suicide crosses my mind often

I wonder what I look like inside of a coffin

I have a handful of attempts but see when I get to that point I hear this voice in my head don't know if it's god, satan, or just somebody dead

The voice always tells me to stop and I end up listening but I'm learning to ignore them and eventually you'll see my blood glistening

I turn it into jokes so I don't have to deal with it

So I don't have to accept the fact that I'm not good or how I'm misunderstood

Suicide all in my head Wondering what's gonna happen if I end up dead

When I say goodbye and go to the sky Don't miss me then cuz we both know it's pretend 

-c.m

(2014)

i rolled with the punches

although sometimes it felt as if i was getting jumped

i can still taste the tears of regret

i can feel the feeling of mental abandonment

i hold my breathe all day

and fucking gasp for air at night

you were the same as everyone else

you changed me and not for the good

i hate the fact that i can not hate you

you made me feel so alone

i loved you and you loved to make me cry

i didnt care bc you were the only one there

yet you made me want to pull out my hair

its like you hated me more than you loved me

you got a kick out of hurting my heart and watching me fall apart

i got a kick out of having someone to call my own

you made me feel ugly and worthless

made me feel like i was not worth it

your words would cut me like sharp piks

your voice was frightening like the scary music in a horror film

but our memories still cross my mind from time to time

i would look into your eyes and you would always look back

so tell me did why did you have to hurt me

why did you have to make me feel even more forsaken

you lied to me so much that i never knew the truth

and i think thats starting to happen with this new girl too

see youve changed me and not for the better

now i can never trust someone fully it just wont b the same

and to this day i still cringe when i hear your name

i see the good in all people and see thats my problem

i should of turned around as soon as you walked in

young thoughts that walk thru my mind but only sometimes

(2015)

-c.m

i’ve lived in a life of heaven examined as a world of sin

your eyes are the fences to heaven within

each day i will tell you your worth

that you are my personal guardian angel here on earth

that you are my sunshine on a dark day

that by your side i will stay until the day we turn gray

you showed up right in time

for you any hill i will climb

cariño, sólo pienso en ti

without you id b empty

you are truly a blessing

the thought of losing you is quite depressing

you are my favorite daydream

when i look at you i can tell your eyes gleam

make you climax till you scream

for you id do anything

-c.m

(2017)

i get happy over little stuff

i like words like shit and fuck

i dont enjoy having friends

i see the world thru a thick lens

i have a dog named junior

yeah hes rad and gnarly

i dont ever go to parties

and i dont like 2 say sorry

all my thoughts are glitter and sparkly

im looking for myself like safari

i like girls more than boys

i play with they emotions like toys

a lot of people crush on me

always rushing and nudging me

they like the way that im raw and how i put them in awe

i hit my head on the wall

i act like i am above all

im always laughing like im off alcohol

i find everything funny

like how my mom just dont love me

dirty everyone has done me

how everyone likes to just judge me

they like how im chubby and lovely

i like music a lot

my thoughts are always nonstop

sometimes they call me flowerpot

i like to drink tea and not soda

im the sickest, ebola

i hate the winter its too cold

in the summer i grow

i like stickers and socks

i like the jellies and boondocks

i like anime and hentai

i dont like to lie or cry

im sweet like pumpkin pie

i hit that bitch in her eye

i own nothing but ripped vans

but one day youll see me driving that benz

i like strawberry shakes

and to make girls legs quake

i keep them wet, the great lakes

i like long walks by myself

i cant reach the top shelf

i think tattoos and piercings are cool

trust no one, thats my rule

i like oldies and funk

im clumsy like an old drunk

i dont like to come out my bubble

it always seems to put me in trouble

i hate to hate

to me you may never relate

i get happy over little stuff

i put up this front like im tough

i seem to carry bad luck

im the best, hands up

-c.m

(2014)

screaming 666

my feelings mix

wonder what he has in his bag of tricks

my eyes continue to drip

i feel my soul as it slips

should i give it to him or keep it for myself

my soul is cold like an ice shelf

hes called for my name himself

shall i continue to be forever alone by oneself

or give it away to be loved and admired

my patience is expired

singing by myself like a lonely choir

wondering what it feels like to be sincerely supported and appreciated

wondering why i was even created

the fearsome part is is that i am not afraid

ive often thought about giving my psyche for trade

it walks across my mind often

i continue to live a life of no precaution

i sin often

so whats the point

why am i waiting

should i give it up and inside become rotten

or stay on the safe side and still disappoint

wondering if that deal would be worth it

cuz everyone knows im not perfect

-c.m

(2017)

god treated my sexuality like a joke

ive always knew but i never spoke

the day they found out everything went rabbid

acting like my choice of companions was just a bad habbit

ugly words thrown at me like queer and fruitcake

fruitcake to every christmas dinner that i am no longer welcomed at

not wanting me to walk in front of them like a black cat

get up everyday wearing the word faggot like an expensive pair of sunglasses

take the time to cross the street just so you dont  have to share a sidewalk with me

die of thirst so they dont have to use the same water fountain as me

that i should just like he and not she

saying that i am a sin and you will pray for me

cuz im homo you act like im ill like im missing chromos

think its a shame so you back out of my life in slow-mo

that girl es asqueroso y loco

then to accept me you rather push me on the streets like a hobo

sorry that i cannot be saved and you cant just wash this sin away

at the end of the day i dont care if you stay

-c.m

(2016)

Hi my angel

I hope all is well

I hope you still look down on me while I sit in this empty cell

No it's not jail but simply life now

I thought I could never do it without you but look at me now

I miss you dearly and still cry often

Wondering why you had to lay in that coffin

The thought of you still makes my eyes tear

The fact that I will never see you again makes me want to throw a chair

I forgot what your voice sounds like and even your laugh

I'd give anything up to take all that back

My first mother, father and friend

I'd kill someone to see you just once again

I miss you my angel more than anything I've took grip of

I hope you still look down from way up above

Always in my heart my one and true love

Goodbye for now but I'll see you again

Forever my angel till we meet again

-c.m

(2016)

#poetry

[emanresusi-blog]

Musings of schizotypals Pt. 1

L.G. - I have a sucky sensation inside. Now that I might break up (for my own mental health) with my boyfriend, I have a sucky realization. I have no friends. I have pushed people for years, stablished unhealthy relationships for years. Now everyone is gone, and I cannot retake relationships that I pushed away years ago. I feel lonely. C.B. - Maybe my impulses to criticize others are a way to avoid criticizing myself. I find myself wanting to tell people that no one cares about their stupid lives but now I realize that's just one of the negative things I used to tell myself. I stopped the stream of negative thoughts about myself. But the thoughts are still there, just waiting to be applied to something. I need to channel this inner critic into something more productive. I know it is a facet of who I am, just one that I misuse a lot. It must be able to do some good somewhere. Constructive criticism about myself and my behavior perhaps. I should meditate on this. I'm feeling good but strangely devoid of emotion simultaneously. Like, my outlook on life is a generally optimistic one at the moment even though I'm not specifically happy about anything. I told my friend that I felt like something more was developing in my mind towards her and she wasn't scared off, so maybe that's why I feel optimistic. At the same time, I feel oddly suspicious and paranoid about her as well. Suspicious of her motives in continuing to talk to me after I told her how I felt, and paranoid for her safety at times (she's blind and also the tiniest little bit naïve, in my opinion). Extending my locus of emotional openness doesn't come easily to me. I really bond with other people to the point that I feel a bit like I'm losing myself. I don't like that feeling, but I love bonding with individuals at the same time. I suppose I'm just a bundle of contradictory neurons wrapped in a skull lol A.C. - So I'm sat in my porch locked out bags packed after another of my alcohol induced binge dissapearing acts I know "only Self to blame" I was only out drinking and chatting nothing bad, but I guess I am selfish, selfishly anaware and selfishly inconsiderate with what I don't think through or when I act rash. Slowly I've become more of a loner and made a habit of losing things family, friends umm jobs, it doesn't feel normal or nice that I might just be a procrastinative, selfish/absorbed individual who can't really get any sort of balance in personal life. I care about making amends and living a normal family life it's just... I don't know. Everyone blames me and punishes me, I don't want a scapegoat for my mistakes but it's very confusing I think if I didn't do what I did I'd damage my self by suppressing it all inside would be worse that's not a justification just a thought. Maybe leading a stable life, to work full time, three kids and relationship is too much. S.C - I suffer from depression and anxiety...I feel sometimes that im different of others because i think i have a few particularities(including that i have only two friends).I often try to explain to some that i can catch thoughts & feelings from people that i know...In fact,from complete stangers too ...I just thought if someone here could uderstand me? And I would like to add that is it okay not to fear of losing my few friends?I am 14 and feel like a misfit..I can't recognize what i am and don't remember who i used to be. R.R. - I have a weird feeling that I'm gonna die soon. Lol. Awkward. 2 near death experiences for me and 1 for my mom. Meh. Now I'm walking around every day with intense anxiety, waiting for an accident to happen. 😢 C.S. - I'm not doing well. I'm emotional... I cried for like half an hour today and I usually don't cry. But I've been sick over something I can't talk about. Very paranoid and scared. Such ugly ruminating thoughts. Barely slept last night and I have such a headache but my mind won't shut off. For the first time in years I feel like punching myself in the head. I've been taking my pills regularly. I see the shrink on Thursday. Which means I have to get through two days of work... I've been mildly sick with a cold for the last week. Oh help! I just want to feel better. A.M. - Today I keep seeing characters from TV shows as people in public spaces (anyone else experienced this?) and there was a shadow man in my lounge. It's odd and not making me paranoid which is also odd. Usually when freaky brain shit happens paranoia activates. Side note; Who the hell puts dried apricot in a hot cross bun!? C.B. - Sometimes I have this urge to be rude to people I don't like. Or that I decide are, as narcissistic as this sounds, beneath me morally or intellectually. It makes me very nervous to confront people but sometimes I do it out of impulse. Like I have this parallel line of thinking that just criticizes the hell out of everything I see. I let it build up and then let it out when I reach a certain level of resentment at the world. Afterwords I feel no better. But it's like I have this good side and this bad side to me. The bad side is the worst me I can imagine: lazy, thoughtless, critical, apathetic, and cruel. The good side is the best me I can imagine: empathetic, supportive, passive, thoughtful. I realize that I internalize these values from my primary caregivers growing up, my mother and first stepfather. I can't see the value in my stepfather very well. Jung had this idea of the Anima and the Animus. One male and the other female. I've always identified my values with the feminine due to the fact that the only support I ever got growing up was from women. I never understood men. I never understood women either for that matter. But they were the people I tried to emulate growing up. I couldn't stand the thought of being like my stepfather or boys my age until I became a teenager. Then I copied my stepfather and began to hate a lot. To be cruel a lot. Because that's all I saw in him. These impulses must be that old behavior rearing it's head. I've always wanted to be my own person but I've never quite known how. L. G. - Okay so I am going to lay one of my biggest problems right now and see if you can help me even if it's just a Little bit because I have no clue :( I finished university last year. Everything fine. My father came to my room and asked me, "what do you want to do next year? you have to think it NOW" and clearly wanted me, pushed me to do oposiciones (this is how we call the process of studying to get a job in the public system). I did the course for oposiciones. I HATED IT. God damn how boring, bland, deadly! I cannot even study for it or understand what they do. But my parents are 100% into it and they don't even contemplate me leaving them. I have to act like I study on days like those because they are so into this, specially my father, who sees working in the public system as my only chance in life because I am schizotypal. You can ask me questions, I will answer if it hasn't been understood. Thanks for the help :) L.G. - This is a bit of a hard to ask question but I will ask anyway...do you have problems maintaining your personal care, etc...? Sometimes I do and my family makes shame of me :( although i think really I'm not that much of a disaster. I mean, now I take care of myself, it's not like when I was really bad where I wouldn't take proper care of myself. L. G. - Do you ever feel like you've got too much contained in your chest and feel like telling anyone about it? Like you had an urge to tell what's ailing you? I've got Friends to talk with but I have too much in my chest and everyone looks like a friend to me now... S.S. - Two things I learnt about myself recently 1 - I will never be able to do a 9-5 job. Because I am too impatient and get angry when someone tells me what to do. Also overthink everything and get bored with routine. The only thing I can do is my own boss and work from home alone.I need to be in control. 2 - I can't ever picture myself in a relationship. I recently met a woman a bit older than myself but we share lots of interests and get on well. But I'm beginning to feel smothered and under pressure to behave a certain way. I just want to be a free individual with no responsibilities. I wasn't born to be a pack animal, but to give others as much freedom as possible and for them to not bug me in return. C.B. - Anyone else feel really anxious when they talk to other people about personal issues? It makes therapy very difficult for me. I'm too nervous around my therapist to open up to him, to really talk about the issues I have. I always just spend the time in my "therapy mode" (where I act pleasant and nice and talk about minor issues to avoid the larger ones). I don't feel like anybody can really help me with some things, and that I would just be making whoever I was talking to feel bad. I want to be able to talk about my motivations, my relationships, my feelings but they make me feel pathetic. Sometimes I feel like less than a person, like I'm really just wearing a mask when I behave as a normal human does. Trouble is I don't know for sure who or what is under that mask. D.S. - Had an irrational mental breakdown in public again one of those crying and screaming in equal parts of anger, frustration and sadness... why am I so easily overwhelmed sometimes.. plus I look kinda scary afterwards.. the neighbors already peg me for weird as it is... all emotionally shutdown and stuff only secs later.. I dont know its always like that.. overemotional first and a few seconds later back to the void.. im done. Im turning 23 tomorrow and I just wish I could skip to my funeral instead.. yeah.. one of those days.. A.M. - Does anybody else wander through life aimlessly? Never really finishing things they embark on, barely following their interests and feeling as though they're waiting for something to shake enough life into them to align them with the dimension that is reality... Being a drifting alien is really getting to me lately, I didn't realise how meaningless I find everything or how far I have drifted from society. I am not referring to deppression btw. P.A. - There’s something that’s killing me inside and I would really appreciate getting it out in a post. I really hope I don’t sound like a total bitch. It’s to do with abandonment, which I hope some people here will understand. I feel so abandoned by my counsellor. It’s the closest relationship I have. I sent her a text a few weeks ago saying I was sad and I never heard back. It has been my psych ward “anniversary” and I thought she’d message me to ask how I am but no nothing. Now she’s just become a grandmother... I know because I’m friends with her son. They are all super excited and spending lots of time together. He is sending me photos of the new baby but it’s just making me even more upset. Why can’t I just be happy for them? I feel so bad and self-centred for feeling this way. I know this little girl will be spoilt rotten with love and I’m jealous, there’s no other word for it. I suspect this is triggering an ancient wound in me, a hole that I’ve never managed to fill. My friend wants to see me tonight but I’m just too upset to see him and I can’t explain to him why *hides under table* C.B. - Sometimes I feel like I am more comfortable being depressed than I am being happy. Being sad feels, I don't know, solid, constant, whereas happiness is a fleeting and ephemeral feeling. Because of this, I got used to lying to myself to make myself more depressed. Don't know if that makes any sense, but I used to love laying in bed and thinking terrible things about myself until I cried my eyes out. I guess I craved that sense of catharsis. These days, I realize that this isn't a healthy way of coping, but I still crave the cathartic feeling I used to get by working myself into a terrible place. I think maybe I crave intense release of emotion because I have a hard time letting go of emotions in the moment and I kind of bottle them up. I still crave that. It's odd, I suppose I'm working to integrate the disparate parts of my personality into a functioning whole. It's like the emotional part of me exists kind of parallel to the rest, separate but connected in form if not function. A.C. - I guess if you can't do anything consistently but your capable of being extremely creative which many are here. Your purpose in life is to create a masterpiece not stand in line and fit the system. S.S. - Got told I'm too much of a negative person earlier and that I should keep all my thoughts secret. But the truth is I only say about 10% of what's actually on my mind. I'm too truthful about my flaws. The last thing I wanna be is a fake who brags. I can't help who I am.

[insidethecrack]

Who am I ? [identity part 1]

Tell me who I’m supposed to be Make me better I can’t stay half way dead forever I fear now There’s not much left of me When you’ll take the sick away Who am I supposed so to be ?

Icon for Hire - Supposed to be

If you’re neurodiverse, you might have heard this more than once : “you’re not your [insert mental illness of your choice here]”. And you might have wanted to punch the person, but you didn’t because it’s something nice to say right ? So why does it fucking hurt so fucking much ? And why do people think it’s a good thing to say ?

Usually when we’re told this, it’s at time when our neurodiversity takes so much space that there is very little space for anything else. It’s very tough time, and we’re stuck in our sadness / delusion / pain / [insert your reality here]. So people are trying, sometimes very clumsily, to comfort us, and this sentence often pops up. And it makes as much sense as saying “fire burns, but you’re not the fire” to someone who just get caught in a fire. After the fire, the person has scars, it can be ugly, or very visible, and the person might live it badly. Would you tell them “you’re not your scars” ? Probably no. Because you know it’d be a useless thing to do. You’d check with the person if they want to find nice way to hide the burns, or to live with them in plain view, you would love them anyway, you would check with them how to properlys take care of the burn scars. Because the scar is a scar, and even if scars fade, they never go away. So you’d see how to help them live with it. Right ? 

Guess what, it’s the same for mental health. Because we know we are not out neurodiversity. We are way more, and we have to live with it. But it doesn’t mean it has no impact on who we are. On the countrary, it has a huge deep impact on us, on our life, and on our sense of self. 

I’m going to speak about what impact schizophrenia has on my sense of identity / self, but I think a lot of neurodiverse people might relate. 

I am not my schizophrenia, I know this. I know this so bad that when I was stuck in madness years ago, one of the thought that kept poping up was “I have to find a name for the madness, ‘cause if she has a name and it’s not mine, then we are not the same”. So... I know that. I’m not my schizophrenia but it has impact on my ability to communicate (and most of the time, not to communicate efficiently), on my ability to trust people around me, to work with them, to create relationship (we acknowledge with the therapist that schizophrenia was litteraly biaising EVERY relation I have and will have. How depressing is that ?), to meet people, to see me, to think, to sleep, to understand the world, to see and feel my body, my genre identity, my sexuality. Oh well, that covers basically any part of my life. In case you need something more concrete to understand where is schizophrenia is in my life :

-my PhD : I’m working on the interaction between language - voice - music - body. Which is perfect since I’m hearing voices who don’t speak but go through my blood and language is my only weapon against madness. So I’m way ahead neurotypical researchers. But it also means that sometimes it hits too close from home.  -academic life : you must sell yourself all the time, which is not easy when voices keep screaming and you want to delete everything you do once it’s done. You must learn to do things without being taught how to do that, which is not easy when you can’t understand an unspoken rule.  -meeting people : the way I speak = the way I think = reality. I don’t have this “moderation” stuff in my brain. Which means I can say things “coldly”. So, generally people I meet think I’m cold, unsensitive and dead inside (not really but English is lacking some incredible French words). So most of the time, I just shut up. -sex life : (because that’s one is fun....) I’m completely unable to have a representation of my body, which means I have no sex fantasy. Which mens you can’t flirt with me because I have no idea what I want or not, which means that if you try I’ll be just “euh... maybe ?” because flirting generally happens on a different moment than the sex moment so to my brain it doesn’t even make sense to answer flirting because it’s not a yes or no question because the moment will come later which means the answer might be different. 

etc etc Any neurodiverse person could do such a list (and maybe you should ask them to do so, so you could better understand what it means for them). But do you know what’s particularly funny with schizophrenia ? It’s a psychosis, but more precisely, a psychosis connected to the identity / personnality. Schizophrenia has often been confused with multiple personnality disorder because it means “broken mind”, but it’s not broken like “hey, now we’re two”, it’s broken like when there’s a crack on a glass (and here’s the tiltle of the blog ! almost two years after the beginning, now you know !). The glass still holds up, but there’s a crack in it. I don’t understand what “I” means. You may say it’s stupid, it’s a pronoun, so how could you not understand it ? On an intellectual level, I do. But on a personal level... “dafuq ?” Pronouns are used to stand instead of something else. Well, I have no idea what “I” stands for. I don’t know who is this I that keeps starting every single sentence I write or say. To me, I isn’t a pronouns, it’s something I create, and all the parts of myself are traveling inside this I. I is supposed to bring through life. I think it’s our fourst I... It’s nice, because it means I can start over and build a new one when needed. But it also means I have blood on my hand since I killed the others, someone has to do it. So my relation to myself can be quite violent... I is a thing I fix and break and fix again and break again... It’s like... if life was a video game and we’re playing the “identity level”, I would be playing in hardore difficulty. Because there are thoughts in my head that are not mine, the same head that I’ve watched rolling over the kitchen flour for hours once. I can’t stand a mirror because I dont know who it is. Photography can be hard for that too. I’m overcontroling anything I say or do, just to be sure I did it. Basically, on a daily basis, I feel like I’m living with a stranger. Except that this stranger is me, my body, and mind. I’m a clandestine passenger in my own life, body, mind.  So I am not my schizophrenia, but my schizophrenia defines me, at least partly. Just like I’m not my parents, but the choices they made in my education define me. I’m not what the bullies said but baving been bullied defined me too. I’m not my ex-boyfriend but what happened with him will define a part of my future relationships (if they ever happen). I’m not my PhD advisor, but the way she guides defines a part of my PhD, which defines a part of me. So maybe we all got that wrong. Maybe it’s not a matter of whether I’m my schizophrenia or not, maybe it’s more how many things define me. The more items on the list, the more I get close to “me”. 

Identity is hell for a lot of us, neurodiverse or neurotypical, in a way or another. Because we are so much and so little in the same time. But you can’t list ALL of the items to anyone you meet, not even to yourself. So you have to chose. But how ? Does your job define you more than the delicious cookies you baked to please your friend ? Does your mental / physical illness define you more than the books you wrote ? How can you be so sure that all of these items are so independant when YOU are the connection between them ? 

According to me, it’s more a matter of choice. We chose which items are important in this life long list of things. It’s scary, choice is always scary. It implies responsability. But it also means that we can change anytime we want or need. It’s possible that one day, my schizophrenia defines me way more than days where I’ll be defined by my love for linguistic or metal music. If we can chose, it also means that you can’t tell a neurodiverse person that they are not their neurodiversity, because you have no fucking idea and it’s not yours to chose for them. Because, maybe at that moment, they feel like it’s the item which most defines that and YOU have to accept that. So if you want to say something, maybe go along the line of “you are not reduced to it” or “you are a lot of other things too”. For some of us, our neurodiversity will last all of our life. Whether we want / like it or not, it’s going to be part of our life until life is over. Therefore, it will have more impact on our identity than that one job we took during several months or even years : because it will last forever, because it has impact on every part of our lives... and also because most of people won’t get that. 

Once someone corrected me and said “no, you’re not schizophrenic, you have schizophrenia”. I think it was very well intentioned, but it was fucking violent. I use “be” because in French you can’t use “have” with schizophrenia. So it’s a habit I have. But also because “have” implies that I could not have it. It’s not a choice I have. So “be” seems truer : I am schizophrenic, and it’s ok, because I also am a writer, a translator, an interprete, a PhD student, a theatre nerd, a metalhead, an otaku, a rain walker, a friend, a sister, a non-binary person, a feminist, a teacher, a book worm, a cat human, a shitty pun maker, a homemade linguist, AND SO FUCKING ON. So i want to be able to say I AM schizophrenic because it’s true, and it will probably be forever true, so I need to be just an item on a never ending list of items I used to build this I (which may be one day the last I’ll have to create...). 

Don’t correct your friend when talk about their neurodiversity and how it defines them or impact on their life. They know better than you, it might just be hard to put it into word. Listen, understand their choice, respect it. You’ll earn a lot by doing so : the trust of your friend, but also the right to define yourself the way you want, with the items you wanted and chose. Neurodiverse persons are often refused the right to choose for themselves : their life, their will and ambition, how to treat their need, but also the way they talk about themselves and define themselves. As a neurotypical person, you may have never experienced that, so just imagine a few seconds : we meet, you start introduce yourself and then I interrupt you “no, you can’t like this thing, not with hair like that ! people with those hair don’t do that !” And everyone you’ll meet after me will react just the same until we all proved you that no, you couldn’t like this thing, not with that kind of hair. That’d be silly right ? Well, that’s what the world does to us, and not always with violent ways, more often, it’s more subtle things, like people wanting to comfort you with the wrong words.  That’s what the world does to us all the time. It silences a lof of people with anxiety and self-esteem issues. It fucks up people’s brain like me, since we already have huge issues defining ourselves, it just makes it worse because it takes us years to come up with such things, and it can be destroyed in just a second. 

If schizophrenia doesn’t define me, someone took the opportunity of a psychotic episode to rape me, how is it for defining life experience ? It broke the fragile limits I was building for years. This I was getting better and better. We had to kill it because it couldn’t survive... and now we’re starting over. And I’m left alone at night wondering : what the worst part, being schizophrenic or a rape survivor ? in my case, is it so difference ? And I’m struggling because I have no answer, I have no idea how to choose. And it doesn’t feel like there is enough place on this body to keep both. But once again, it’s not really like I have a choice. (so I get we should build this new I bigger ?? ...) 

And this, this is why at the moment, I think it should be important that people know I’m schizophrenic, because I’m going through a time of my life where it has a huge and deep impact on everything I do, feel and think. I know it hasn’t always been the case, so I have hope it won’t last forever. But for now, this is a huge part of who I am, at least until I got everything back under control. 

This is what your friend is telling you when they say they have depression / PTSD / bipolar or any other diagnosis : at the moment, this is a huge part of who I am. It may change a day, and if so, they’ll let you know. In the meantime, see what they can’t see anymore, and bring it back to their mind, see their light behind the darkness, and don’t get offended if they can’t see it themselves, it will take time. But they have to follow their own path. Remember the last time you were very very sad. Would it have helped if someone had come to you and say “you’re not your sadness !” ? Would it have comforted you in any way ? No. Probably no... you would have wanted the person to acknowledge your pain and hang out with you and hug or say silly things right ? Guess what ? We want the same thing. That should make things easier to understand right ?

I realise this article is already so fucking long and I didn’t talk about the last thing about identity and mental illness : why is it so hard to let this painful things stop defining us ? It’s already so long and I should be working (because remember, I’m also a teacher...), so next time I guess !

Take care of you, and keep listening to one another. 

[thegirlthatlivesinsideofme]

Lose yourself, lose your love, or lose your family.

Options. It seems like I have all the options and not a single one seems to make since or make me feel like it's the "right" decision. Option one and option 2 are basically the same. Slightly different but the same outcome. Option 3 holds a new world of possibilities and is exciting and scary and painful all at the same time. I've waited too long to write this. I had a moment of clarity the other day and I felt like this is what needs to happen! My marriage is not good. It hasn't been good in a long time. I think that having Gresham gave us a false hope for a bit but it's hard being a parent and that was sure to wear off eventually. Gresham made us a family. Before him we were just two people who lived together and kinda enjoyed each other's company but mostly just shared a bunch of mutual friends. The sex was fine. Not terrible but nothing special. We don't do anything special for each other and even when we do we don't know what to do for each other. I don't want a marriage like that. We have been to counseling multiple times and yet we are still here in this place. Numb and broken. We went to counseling right after my affair with Ken and Michelle we had maybe 3 sessions with them. . Then I went to Scott for a little while. I think probably 6 weeks. I was a different person in those day. I took full responsibility for the affair and it wasn't 100% my fault. I wasn't fulfilled and that should have been a red flag but I was so willing to do anything g to make it work and so I don't feel like anyone focused on why it happened they just focused on how I could heal and make my marriage work. Let's just put a bandaid on the wound of yours and teach you how to keep on keepin on. Then when Mary Beth got married shit hit the fan again and Chris was so over it. He had been ignoring all the things that drove him crazy until he just exploded on me at her wedding. And then after. We went together for a while again maybe 6 weeks? And idk why we stopped other than feeling like we must have had it all figured out. I remember feeling like this is good we are actually talking about things. That was before Gresham was even a thought. I guess since then we have just kinda been plugging along. Things were fine but I was still looking for trouble on my end. I'd be fine for a little bit and then I'd start getting attention from someone and I'd run with it. Between Anthony, Michael, and parr. I always had someone to tell me that I was beautiful and make me feel wanted. I wasn't really acting in anything so I just felt like this is working and I'm not technically doing anything wrong. I wanted to but I wasn't acting on it mostly cause they weren't. So we had Gresham and he is amazing and we have had some great moments being parents together. You made a human and he's amazing and that pretty dang cool. You get to see all the firsts and share something together that truly makes you one. But all the while we still haven't been great. Just going through the motions. I know what not to do in public and how not to act so I just kinda shut down and keep my quiet and that's not ok. I feel ignored like I'm not interesting, and like if I'm not offering sex or keeping the house clean I'm basically the worst. So thinking about all of that and thinking back to our past where even when we were dating Chris was sure to tell me how relationships were a give and take and I look back and see that I gave a lot and I'm not really sure what he was giving back. We were always hanging with friends. If we were alone it was because we were having sex. We did have fun on the lake a good bit but I was happy to be around him. 🙄 I literally used to sit in his lap and watch him play video games. Mostly because that's what we were doing and I wanted to be with him but we didn't have internet on our phones yet and it was his house so I had nothing to do. My hobbies we literally "hanging out with my friends" Anyway. So it's never been great. But I believed in dating for marriage and Chris is ultimately a really great guy. He's nice. He loves the lord. He provides. He has character. But he's also a lot of not so great things too. He's judgy, he's uninterested, he's selfish, he's a bit arrogant, he's controlling, hes untrusting, and a workaholic. Oh and he literally always sees the worst in me and questions my motives Anyway so looking at my marriage things have to change. I don't feel like I can really be myself, I don't really share my heart with him because I'm told that I'm wrong or I'm just shattered cause he disagrees and idk he just squashes hope and shits in things that others find joy in. He questions my motives about everything even something as small as dancing at weddings or singing at church. He's always looking over my shoulder because he doesn't trust me. I just don't act the same with him as I do with my friends because he doesn't know me like that and he never could because that wasn't good for my marriage. Those things caused fights. I feel like the smartest option in all of this crap is the give my marriage another chance. To go to counseling and get some psychological advice from someone uninvolved and talk to Chris and explain that I don't want to live this way anymore. That I don't want to be in a marriage where I feel I have to hide who I am all the time or tone who I am down to keep him happy and to actually try it and see if it works and if he is actually happy then great my marriage is for once what it should be and we are happy and actually friends. The problem with that is that I lose thomas and that isn't something that I want but I know that if this actually works that I would be happy at least I think I would. But to be honest I don't have a whole lot of confidence in that plan I don't see Chris being ok with it at all. And I feel like it would collapse really fast. And I'm honestly not sure that deep down I'd ever be truest happy but again that based off my thoughts as someone who isn't really herself around him now. The other part of me wants to quit now. But I think that's just me taking the easiest option. And I think it's also because I really do t want to lose thomas. I never ever thought I would be in love with him and NEVER thought It would get me to the point of considering leaving my husband. But I know I can't do this for thomas. I can't even let him be in my thoughts about it. I have to think about this like what would I do if I didn't have him in the picture and I think I would still want to try but try this new way. Part of me wants to just tell Chris the truth because I have not been fair to him and he hasn't to me either but I literally always have someone emotionally fulfilling me. And sometimes sexually fulfilling me. And it's not right and it's not fair and I know he deserves to be happy. I know he has thought about being with other women and never acted on it and I know he could be so happy with another woman and that oddly doesn't bother me it makes me happy for him because I feel like he feels stuck with me. That's no way to live. And it's not what you should model for your children. I also know that if he knew the truth he would hate me and he wouldn't want me. And it would be one bad ugly terrible shit show divorce and he would take as much as he possibly could from me. I also have to think about the future if we end things. It's great that thomas and I are in love and that we have something really special but what if Chris and I dont end up together and thomas and I do and then we break up a few years down the road. Will I regret not trying harder or just sucking it up so that my family was still together? I feel like if I give the "be myself plan" a chance and it still doesn't work then I won't have regrets and if thomas isn't waiting for me at the end of that then it wouldn't have worked anyway. I know for sure I don't want things to continue the way they are. Thomas and I are going to feel heartache regardless because the easier option of just giving up isn't the smartest option so either he leaves and we both hurt or he waits and we still both hurt but he hurts more. Or my worst nightmare I actually become happy with Chris and leave thomas with nothing. I don't want that to be an option either. Ughhhh this is so hard.