#i feel so crap i never thought I'd have another period in my life

[fobnsfwdoodles]

#y'all i am having my first period in four fucking years #forgot to be consistent with my t #adhd is transphobic confirmed #i feel so crap i never thought I'd have another period in my life #can someone rip this god damn uterus out of me #if i wasn't in so much pain id draw all the fob boys having period Sex #every thing is so uncomfortable #i hope you enjoy this doodle its me coping #okay that's the info dump #want3d to draw Patrick being extra cunty after that edit #Patrick #art #silly

[jomatto]

Attack Weak Point for Mass Destruction

After a bit of internet sleuthing, I found that someone had archived everything on FF.net up until 2016 here.

I thought it was a long shot, but I went ahead and downloaded 5 gigs of old-ass fics in the "P" category. I opened it up and tried searching for my story but it didn't show up.

Just to make sure, I tried searching manually by scrolling through the txt files. I wasn't making much progress, so I tried the search bar again and it finally appeared. Guess I just had to wait for it to index.

Funny to think that I'd go through all this effort to recover this little piece of almost lost history. It was not at all how I envisioned today going, but I'm glad I went through the effort.

Since it was in a txt file, I had to do some minor reformatting to get those bolds and italics back. Aside from that, I did no changes.

I don't think I ever explained the reasoning behind the title. It's a combination of a meme born from Sony's infamous 2006 PS3 press conference and the battle track from Persona 3.

So, I present a long-deleted never-completed fanfic of mine:

Attack Weak Point for Mass Destruction

Category: Persona Series Genre: Friendship, Humor Language: English Status: In-Progress (DEAD) Published: 2012-05-31 Updated: 2012-06-13 Rating: T Chapters: 4 Words: 8,331

Chapter 1: A Leader's Responsibility

Yu Narukami opened his eyes to a pleasant sight.

It was just the ceiling, but it was familiar. After the ordeal he went through, something as ordinary as the ceiling was oddly comforting. The silver-haired youth was on his bed, enjoying the soft feel of his mattress. He hadn't relaxed like this in a long time. The case was now solved and there was nothing more to do other than enjoy his remaining time here in Inaba. He, along with his group of close friends, discovered the true culprit behind the serial murders and beat the crap out of it. The town was saved from a foggy demise and everything was back to normal.

There would be no more victims, no more mysteries, and no more battles, just three months, or twelve weeks, or eighty days of free time. He still had school, but compared to those days of investigating, chasing down leads, and enacting rescue operations, school might as well be vacation.

It was hard to believe that eight months could go by so quickly. It seemed just like yesterday when he arrived at Yasoinaba Station, greeted by his uncle and adorable little cousin. He was definitely going to miss this place. Even if it was short, it was truly the happiest period of his life.

He was a little worried though. With no more mystery to solve, what was there to do? As stressful as it was to fight shadows, it was also extremely rewarding. Nothing could match that feeling of victorious satisfaction from smiting a mighty foe. With no more enemies to fight, it was hard to get excited. For all he knew, this was the peak of his life. What there anything to look forward to after saving the world?

The thought was a little depressing, but he allowed himself a small smile. The world wasn't lacking in mysteries, heck, he was surrounded by them. The end of one journey was just the start of another.

His friends, no matter how much time he spent with them, continued to surprise. Eight months was hardly enough to learn everything about a person, even if he already saw their darkest secrets revealed. That was just one part of them though, and there was more to people than their dark sides. What about their hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes, hobbies, and everything in between? He recalled the words his junior, Rise Kujikawa, once told him:

"Senpai, I really admire your strength. I think you're the perfect leader. You have no weaknesses at all!"

She always heaped unhealthy amounts of praise on him, but this was one of the few times she actually meant it. His ability to wield multiple personas ensured that his weaknesses could very well become his strength the next moment. He had long ago memorized the weaknesses of each of his friends; he wouldn't be an effective leader otherwise, but it was a different story outside of battle. What about their weaknesses as people?

His smile widened into a grin. He finally found it; his next mission. Before he came to Inaba, he was always moving from place to place because of his parents. He never had a chance to really make friends. He was afraid of being alone.

Because of them, that changed. They turned his weakness—his fear—into his strength. He could freely admit that he was happy now. It was an honest and refreshing feeling. He owed them for that. It was his turn to repay the favor. He would help his friends the same way they helped him, and turn their weak spots into points of pride.

Enough lying around; he got up from bed and walked over to his desk. He opened a drawer and picked up a dart. He kept it as a memento from the Port Island school trip. He tossed it towards the ceiling and without looking, snatched it out of the air quite easily. He took aim at the dartboard across the room, and with a quick flick of his wrist, the dart flew true.

Bullseye.

"Attack weak point for mass destruction."

He knew what he had to do.

It was, after all, a leader's responsibility.

Chapter 2: Like A Dragon  

Chie Satonaka tapped her foot nervously.

When she woke up this morning, she definitely did not expect to be greeted with a text message from Yu, especially when it said:

Come over to my place today afternoon.

After convincing herself that he probably sent the same message to their whole group, she finally left the house and showed up at his doorstep only to discover that she was the only one there. What could this mean? From the street, it was amusing to see this girl fret to and fro in front of the apartment. She wasn't wearing her usual track sweater, and instead, opted for something more feminine than usual. It was hard scrounging up something that didn't scream "tomboy," but she managed somehow. It was a light, airy, and sleeveless blouse—something she would never wear if it wasn't for the situation.

She smacked herself on the head. Snap out of it, Chie! This was no time to be fantasizing. It wasn't like he was interested in her or anything. Why would he when he was surrounded by so many girls much prettier than her? She was starting to feel stupid. What was she getting so excited for? She should probably just go back home and switch into her normal clothes since it'd be awkward if he saw her in this outfit and—

"Ah, you're here."

She recoiled from his sudden appearance. She wasn't even ready yet! Yu's welcoming smile was the last thing she wanted to see, even if it made her warm in the face. "H-hey there," she stammered. She instinctively crossed her arms to shield herself from his curious gaze.

"You look cute today," he complimented.

"Sh-shut up!" What was wrong with her? The words made her happy, but she just had to lash out like that. She mentally cursed herself. This was why she never got anywhere.

He wasn't fazed at all. "Come on in."

Okay Chie, just take it one step at a time. She entered the familiar home. She had visited tons of times before, so why was she so nervous today? "Where's Nanako-chan?" she asked.

"She's with my uncle. It's just you and me here."

"Just us...alone?" Her heart sped up a little. She slapped herself lightly on the cheek to calm herself down. Her imagination was getting the best of her. "So uh...why'd you invite me over today?" she squeaked.

"Have a seat," he implored. She complied, sitting down at the dining room table. She watched as he opened the refrigerator, pulled out a package from the freezer, and held it up for her to see. It was a packet of beef. "Surprise," he said, grinning.

"Is that—!" Her mouth was already starting to water. Steak personally grilled by Yu? Could the day get any better?

"Yup. And you're the one cooking it."

"Huh? W-wait a minute, are you serious?"

Yu's face didn't budge a single inch. "Of course."

"You're joking, right? You're a much better cook than I am." And as much as she hated to admit it, her cooking skills were beyond abysmal. She would never be able to do the meat justice. "So you should just cook it yourself, and besides, it looks pretty expensive, and I don't want you to be wasting your money..."

He ignored her as she prattled on more excuses as to why she shouldn't cook. Honestly, he agreed with all of them, but that wasn't the point.

Mystery Food X.

Even the name gave him chills. His stomach groaned at the memory. Mystery Food X turned him off to curry for months. It was amazing how she was able to invert the very essence of cooking, turning sustenance into death. It wasn't fair to push all of Mystery Food X's failures on Chie alone, but Yukiko had been making earnest attempts to improve her cooking since, and she had an army of chefs to help her out at the inn.

Chie was a different story though. Yosuke would never again touch anything she ever made, and everyone else was less than willing to taste test for her. Her opportunities to improve were limited. Since he was the best cook out of all of them, and she the worst, it made sense for him to teach her. That wasn't the only reason though. Out of everyone, she was the one he owed the most.

To this day, he still couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that she extended her hand to him in friendship. He was used to transferring in and out quietly, but Chie decided to step in and save him from King's Moron's fury, and even invited him to walk home with her and Yukiko on his first day. It might've been because he was a city boy in a small town, or she was just being polite, but whatever the reason, and he was forever grateful to her.

So it fell on him to make sure that she wouldn't kill anyone the next time she cooked.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," he admonished. "That's why I'm here, to teach you."

Her eyes widened. "You want to teach me? But..."

He smiled at her. "Don't you want to learn how?"

Of course she did! She never thought too much about it, but after the lunches Yu made for her, she realized how happy a meal could make a person. Receiving a well-cooked lunch was, in her opinion, the greatest gift she could ever receive, especially if it was steak! But the thought of subjecting Yu to her awful cooking made her wince. What if she never improved? What if he got so frustrated with her that he'd just give up? There were so many things that could go wrong. "Are you sure you want to? What if I don't get better?"

He patted her on the head. "Don't worry about it. It doesn't matter how long it takes, I'll stick with you until you can make something so delicious, even Yosuke will praise you for it."

It was condescending to be patted on the head, but if it was Yu, well... She blushed. He always had a knack with words. "Okay...I'll trust you then."

"Let's get started."

When it came to learning how to cook, it was best to start with a favorite dish. He figured if he started with steak, Chie would pick it up quickly. It also helped that steak was a relatively simple dish to prepare.

"Alright!" she yelped, clenching her fists. She was hyped now. She wasn't confident in her skills, but with Yu here with her, she felt like she could do anything. "So what's the first step?"

He was glad to see her so enthusiastic, it would make things easier. "Have you ever cooked steak before?"

"No, but it shouldn't be too hard. Don't you just nuke it in the microwave?" He just stared at her in awe. "Uh…is that wrong?"

"Steak is grilled," he explained.

She slapped her hand with her fist. "Ah! That's right! I totally forgot."

He was beginning to see why she was so bad at cooking. "You're not entirely wrong though. You can still use a microwave to thaw the meat, but lucky for you, I already thawed some out. But before we do anything, we have to make the marinade."

She perked up at that. "Ohhh, you mean the sauce!"

"Exactly. I have all the ingredients here, so let me tell you what they are: ginger, garlic, soy sauce, sugar, and sake. The first step in cooking is making sure that you have all the right ingredients." He grimaced as he recalled his time at the grocery store in Junes, when Chie and Yukiko decided to pick up anything that sounded remotely relevant to their planned meal. "The number one most important rule is to never, ever, stray from the recipe."

She chuckled uncomfortably. "Sorry about that, but—"

"No buts. You have a cell phone, don't you? Look up the recipes and make sure you have the right ingredients. There's really no excuse in this day and age."

"Okay, okay, I get it! Get the right ingredients."

"It's the number one rule." He grabbed a ginger root and a spoon. "Next, we have to prepare the ingredients. First things first, we peel the skin."

So that was what ginger looked like; she had no idea. It looked like a pale, skinny, and lumpy potato. He broke off a piece and handed her one. "What do I do with this?" she wondered.

"You take the spoon and scrape off the skin." He demonstrated by deftly moving his hands up and down, the skin disappearing with each stroke.

"Whoa!" she said in amazement.

"Give it a try," he encouraged.

She took the spoon hesitantly. Could she really do this? Yu's gentle smile gave her all the courage she needed. "Here I go!" She smashed the spoon into the root, causing it to splinter into useless bits. "Oh…was that too strong?"

"Maybe a little, no—definitely too strong." He handed her another piece of root since the other one was demolished beyond all repair. "Don't put so much force into it. Do it lightly this time."

"Got it!" She psyched herself up again and started scraping with much less force—actually, with hardly any force. She was barely grazing the surface. "It's not working!"

"Okay, here's my advice. Remember what you did before, when you did it too strongly?" She nodded. "And right now, you're doing it too lightly, so try to do it in between. Not too strong and not too light."

"It's working!" she gasped. The skin was finally peeling off. "That was some great advice!"

Some people needed the obvious to be pointed out for them. "Yeah…okay, next, I want you to pick up a knife and—"

"A knife? Couldn't you just, you know, smash the ginger into pieces with your hand?" It sounded just like her to smash things. Unfortunately, food was not made through martial arts, although it would be great for tenderizing meat. For everything else, a delicate touch was required, which could only be achieved through precision tools like knives.

"It's impossible to dice ginger with your hands."

"You don't know that! I once saw in a movie that you can cut vegetables with the right techniques."

"There's a big difference between—okay, so let's just say that you can. Are you saying you know how?"

"No…" she answered quietly.

"Then that means you have to do it like everyone else, and that's with a knife."

"I…" Damn it, this was so embarrassing! She knew the second he offered to teach her that this would come up, but she didn't think that it would actually come up.

"What's wrong?"

The normally excitable Chie suddenly turned into a scared kitten before his eyes. "I'm afraid of knives," she admitted.

"You're afraid of knives?" he repeated. Wait, that didn't make sense. She cooked things before, how did she do it without a knife? When he thought about it though, it actually did make sense. Yukiko probably handled all the cutting at the school campout, and a knife wasn't necessary to make an omelet—the same goes for cake. Then all this time, she was trying to cook without using a knife? He tried to look at Chie but she hid her face.

"You can laugh now."

He still had a lot to learn about her. After all this time and he had no idea. She hid it pretty damn well. "Why didn't you say anything about my katana, or even Yosuke's knives?"

"Th-that's completely different! And I trust you guys, so it's fine but… When I was kid, I was in the kitchen one time. I saw the knife on the counter, got curious, and ended up cutting myself by accident. I've been afraid of knives since," she confessed. It was a simple story, but just because it was simple didn't make it any less impactful. It was hard to let go of childhood fears, so he could understand. He always wondered why she used her feet in battle instead of a weapon, but this explained everything. "It's impossible for me to hold a knife."

"You'll never get any better at cooking unless you confront your fear," he stated bluntly.

"Aren't there like tons of dishes out there that don't require cutting?"

"Are you running away? That's not like you, Chie."

"I'm not! I'm just…avoiding it."

"It's the same thing," he said, sighing. He grabbed a knife and held it up. "Do you mind?"

She shook her head. "I trust you so it's fine."

"In that case…" He put himself behind her and grabbed her hand.

"W-what are you doing?" He was too close! She could practically feel the heat radiating from his body.

"Do you trust me?"

"I—" She resisted the urge to elbow his side and flip him over the table. "Of course I do."

"Then grab the knife," he ordered.

"I can't!"

"You can." He led her hand towards the knife. "Hold it and I'll make sure you don't cut yourself. Let me guide you."

She could spend her whole life running away from knives, or she could face her fear and hold the damn thing. How pathetic. She was cowering in front of him. How weak could she be?

"You're strong Chie. That's why I know that you can face this with no problem. Compared to what we've been through, a little knife isn't going to scare you, is it?" He was right behind her, and his overwhelming presence was enough to override her anxiety for the moment.

Before she knew it, she found herself holding a knife. "AH!" She let go but a firm hand covered hers, preventing it from dropping.

"Don't let go," he warned.

She was completely frozen, and it had nothing to do with the knife, but everything to do with his hand on hers.

Yu had no clue about Chie's fried brain and continued to hold tightly. If she trusted him with a katana, then surely she wouldn't protest if he was there to guide her? It wasn't just her, they were both holding the knife, and there was no way he was going to allow an accident to happen. "Are you okay?"

"You're so mean," she whimpered.

The comment drew laughter from the boy. "That's fine, as long you get over your fear. Just concentrate on holding the knife, and I'll handle the rest."

Yu's hand was large, engulfing hers easily, and warm. She felt like crying. This was so embarrassing, and her hands were starting to get clammy too. "S-sorry for sweat," she apologized weakly. He seemed to ignore it and continued guiding her. His grasp was gentle and left small tingles on her skin.

She shut her eyes. This was just a dream. Yeah, that was it. She must be daydreaming. Any moment now and she'd snap out of it. There was no way this was happening for real. The sound of the blade clacking against the cutting board continued to ring in her ears. Any time now… Wake up. Wake up, damn it!

"I knew you could do it."

She opened her eyes and saw the ginger was minced. "I did?" She looked at her hand and it was indeed by itself. Just when did he let go? She could've sworn he was still holding her. Was she imagining his warmth? He really was amazing. He made her forget all about the knife. The only thing on her mind was his touch. She smiled in relief. "Can you help me cut the garlic now?" she pleaded.

"Huh? But you—"

"One time isn't enough, idiot! You think I can get over my fear that easily? So, hurry up and hold the knife already!"

He let out a soft smile. It was probably too much to hope that Chie could get over her aichmophobia with a simple trick. He gripped her hand again and found her unusually pliant this time. She must've found her motivation. "Alright, let's do this again."

After they finished cutting up the garlic, they blended the rest of the ingredients together to make a rich teriyaki sauce. Chie dipped her finger in the bowl and gave it a taste. "Wow! This is great stuff."

"You should be proud; you made it."

"We made it," she corrected. "And you did most of the work."

He laughed. It was hard getting her to accept credit. "Now, all we have to do is let the steak marinade in the fridge for a couple hours and after that, it's grilling time."

"Woohoo! I can't wait!" She threw her arms in the air in excitement. "So what now?"

He shrugged. "Whatever you want."

"Whatever I—" Get a hold yourself, Chie, he didn't mean it like that. "Then let's uh…go watch some TV!" She hopped over to the living room and turned on the tube.

Yu followed her and took a seat by the low table. "Anything good on?"

She flipped through the channels until she saw a guy get kicked in the face. Whenever something like that happened on TV, that was when she knew she found something good. She turned to Yu. "Oh, do you like these kinds of movies? I can change the channel if you want."

He shook his head. "I don't mind."

"Awesome!"

It was a martial arts marathon, with hours upon hours of glorious punching, kicking, and acrobatics. Chie got pretty into it, but when the marathon ended, it was finally time to cook.

Yu showed her how to set up the grill and took out the marinated steaks. They were cut in thin slices. He opened a cabinet and pulled out a pack of bamboo skewers. "Now for the easy part. Just stick these through the steak and let it grill for a minute."

"Gotcha." She took a skewer and stabbed it through, forcing the meat to crumple and fold magnificently on the stick. If she could, she'd eat it right now.

They were in the middle of grilling when Dojima and Nanako came home. "Something smells good!" Nanako cried out.

Dojima looked into the kitchen. "Wow, steaks? What's the occasion?"

Yu thought about it for a second. "New Years?"

"Good enough for me," the detective laughed. "Come on Nanako, let's go wash our hands."

"Yay, steak!" The little girl's celebrations drew a kind gaze from Yu..

"I think I'm finished," Chie alerted.

Yu came over and inspected the slice. It was grilled to perfection. "Why don't you try it out?"

"Here I go!" She stuffed it into her mouth and chewed. It was… "Delicious!"

"It tastes better knowing that you made it, doesn't it?"

She agreed. It was the best steak she ever had. "Thanks a lot, Yu. Honestly, I decided to give up on cooking but… I guess I'm not as hopeless as I thought."

Yu took a fresh skewer off the grill and tried one for himself. It tasted satisfying. "I always wondered why you said 'pudding' instead of 'steak.'"

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"The beauty pageant."

"Ugh, don't remind me." So she lied. Wasn't pudding more feminine than steak? It was the only reason she answered "pudding" as her favorite food during the pageant.

"There's nothing wrong with liking steak. It's pretty classy, I think," he told her.

"Really, you think so too?" she said excitedly. She knew Yu would understand!

"And it fits you perfectly."

"Wha—" What was he trying to say about her?

"Sh-shut up you idiot!"

He laughed out loud. Something about being called idiot by Chie made him happy. "Alright, I wonder what we should make next…"

"W-Wait, isn't steak enough?"

"Of course not. Beef is expensive. Are you going to be making steak every time you cook for yourself? "

"I…" Wait, what was she complaining for? This meant she could spend more time with him! "I'll be happy to learn. Just you wait; I'll make you something so good, you'll say WOW! After all, the student always surpasses the master."

"I look forward to it." He grinned when a brilliant thought struck him. "Oh, I got it! How about I teach you how to make chocolate-covered grasshoppers?"

"IDIOT!"

Chapter 3: The Bro Code  

Yu looked over his shoulder to see his best friend, Yosuke Hanamura, with his face down against the desk.

It was a familiar sight, and one that drew regular criticism from teachers. They chalked it up to laziness, but it was really because of his job at Junes. It wasn't easy being the manager's son. Fortunately, it was lunch time.

Yu debated whether or not to wake him up. Yosuke didn't appreciate it whenever he was roused from much-needed sleep, but on the other hand, he didn't like waking up on an empty stomach either. As he contemplated this conundrum, Yu's eyes fell on the headphones around Yosuke's neck.

He always wondered… What exactly was the point of those headphones? They weren't very functional considering its bulkiness, so he assumed it was some sort of fashion statement, but was that really the reason? Yu took this opportunity to find out. He grabbed the headphones and pulled them off carefully. Even though he wasn't expecting much, he put it on to see what was playing—if anything.

"—must exude extreme confidence. It requires patience and a certain mindset. One cannot be deterred by fear or niggling insecurities. You must push them aside and focus on the reality in front of you, for the essence of swag can only be achieved through—"

The headphones were suddenly ripped away.

"Whoa! What are you doing?" Yosuke shouted, now awake. He held the headphones protectively close. "D-Did you hear anything?" A bead of sweat ran down his neck.

Yu tilted his head curiously. What the heck did he just listen to? "Something about swag?"

The entire class instinctively turned to Yu the second he mentioned "swag." He was surprised by the sudden attention.

Yosuke looked around nervously and stood up. "Let's go to the rooftop," he suggested, wanting to escape from the probing stares.

"Sure."

The duo left the classroom and climbed to the rooftop. They sat down at their usual spot. Yosuke set his back against the fence and smiled in embarassment. "Well this is awkward," he laughed. "I guess I can't hide it anymore."

"What were you listening to?"

"Since it's you, I'll tell you. Before I do that though, uh, you wouldn't happen to have a spare lunch, do you?" He mustered his brightest grin, as if it would increase his chances of receiving food.

Yu returned the smile. "Actually, I do."

"Seriously? You're the best, partner!"

The silver youth produced a strange looking lunchbox and offered it to Yosuke. It was a green box with streaks of yellow on the sides. It reminded Yosuke of something, but he couldn't put his finger on it. It was fancier than the usual plain box Yuu gave him. "Did you buy a new box?"

"Something like that," he answered, chuckling eerily afterwards.

"I guess it doesn't matter. It's what's on the inside that counts, right?" He took off the lid, snapped the chopsticks apart, and started digging in. He shoved the food into his mouth with as much delicacy as a starving pig. It wasn't until after several minutes of chewing did he realize that something was off.

"Something wrong?"

Yosuke gulped. "Well, not exactly. It tastes kind of weird. Don't get me wrong, it's still good, but just not up to your usual standard. I guess even you have your bad days, huh?"

"Really? Chie's going be happy to hear that."

He paused as he tried to parse that statement. "What does Chie have to do with anything?"

"She's the one who made your lunch."

His eyes almost popped out of its sockets. "WHAT!" He looked at the lunchbox again, but this time, with extra caution. He finally realized how sloppy it looked. Yu's presentation was normally neat and immaculate, but this was messy and screamed "amateur!" Despite that, it tasted pretty decent, and that alone was enough to question Yu's statement. "You're joking."

"I'm not," Yu rebutted, chuckling at his friend's disbelief. "That is 100% Chie's cooking."

He couldn't believe it. "How is this even possible?" Chie and cooking went together like Naoto and dresses. They just didn't mix.

"I've been teaching her how to cook," he revealed.

"Damn. You're amazing. To think you can turn the worst cook in Inaba into a halfway decent one... Is there anything you can't do?"

He didn't buy into the flattery. It wasn't like he did anything special. "Actually, I wasn't sure if I did a good job teaching her. To be honest, I was afraid to try it myself. I'm glad to hear it's good though."

"Hold up, are you saying you didn't test this before serving me?"

Yu shoved his hands into his pockets and averted his gaze. "It's the first time she made something without my supervision. I wasn't sure how it would turn out so..."

"I was just your guinea pig? That is so not cool, man! I can't believe you put my life in danger like that!"

It was a little dramatic, even by Yosuke's standards. "It turned out fine in the end, didn't it?"

"That's not that point, it's just—ugh, never mind. I guess you're right, but next time, a little warning would be nice."

"But you never would've tried it if I told you."

He couldn't argue with that. "Let's just forget about it."

Yu smirked. He'd have to remember to tell Chie about this later. Yosuke would never admit it to her face that he found her cooking passable. She probably preferred to hear it was delicious, but it was baby steps for her. At least she was getting better. "So, about this essence of swag thing..."

Yosuke started choking on a piece of carrot. He slapped his chest a couple times to force it down. "Ack! Dude, don't bring that stuff up out of the blue!"

"I thought we were talking about it?"

"Wait until I finish my lunch," he pleaded. Yu was certainly pushing his buttons today. If Yosuke didn't know any better, he could've sworn Yu was just picking on him. He wolfed down the rest of the lunch in record time. It wasn't too hard since there wasn't much to savor.

"Finished?"

There were no more excuses left. He couldn't stall anymore. He would just have to tell him the truth. "Okay, just promise you won't laugh at me."

Yu considered those words carefully. "I promise."

Yosuke took a deep breath, held it, and let it out slowly. "At Junes, we sell all kinds of things. Whenever I help out, I usually don't do the same thing twice. So one day, I find myself in the CD section. There was a fresh shipment that needed stocking and I...heh, I guess there's really no good way to put this, but I found a series of self-help CDs."

"Self-help CDs?"

"Yeah... You know, stuff like Simplifying Your Life or How to Control Your Anger."

"I never knew you had anger issues," the silver boy joked.

"I don't, but one of the CDs stood out to me. It was called The Essence of Swag. You can go ahead and laugh now." He had to admit, it sounded ridiculous, but he wanted to become more confident, like Yu, who made it look so easy. He just wanted some of that swag for himself.

Yu blinked. Why would he laugh? It wasn't like he never resorted to books to improve his social skills. He had a whole of library of self-help guides, so he understood completely. "There's nothing wrong with that. I've done the same before."

"Really?" Yosuke was shocked. Wasn't Yu just a natural pimp?

The silver-haired boy nodded. "Maybe if you weren't so busy looking for my secret stash that doesn't exist; you would've noticed the stack of books on my shelf. I could let you borrow some if you want."

Yosuke waved his hands. "Nah, that's fine. I prefer to listen to my books, but thanks for offering. And I just know you have a stash somewhere, so don't even pretend you don't have one."

"So, why the sudden interest in self-improvement?" he asked, ignoring the last quip.

"It wasn't really sudden; it's been on my mind since…Saki-senpai."

A moment of silence for the dead.

"We never really had a chance to just relax," Yosuke continued. "We were always in the middle of investigating or fighting. I was kind of glad for it. It took my mind off things. But with the case solved, I figured it was time for a change. I think it's only now that I can say I've finally gotten over her. There are still things I don't like about myself, so I'm trying to do something about it."

Hearing that brought a smile to Yu's face. Yosuke seemed to have found an answer for himself. "That's great to hear."

"But man, this sucks. I thought I would've had a girlfriend by now. This wasn't how I imagined high school."

The silver-haired teenager laughed. At least Yosuke wasn't lacking in effort despite falling flat half the time—okay, all the time. "It'll happen. Just be patient."

"I sure hope so. I'm 0 for 2. Yukiko turned me down flat and Rise's all over you," he grumbled.

"Rise's just playing around," Yu excused. "It doesn't really mean anything."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, partner."

"What about Chie? Or even Naoto?" Yu brought up. It seemed odd to exclude them as candidates for girlfriend material.

The brunet let out a snort. "I like my girls to be, you know, girls." If they ever heard that, he'd probably get kicked in the face followed with a bullet to the forehead.

"Isn't that kind of harsh? I think they're both cute myself."

"I didn't expect them to be your taste."

"They're all cute to me," he declared diplomatically. He felt lucky to be even friends with them, and they were all attractive in their own way.

"I guess they are. Man… It's nice to just talk about girls like this. You're really the only one I can talk to about this stuff. Kanji probably doesn't have any clue about girls, and Teddie—well, the less said about him the better. I know I asked you this before, but… Is there anyone you like?"

Yu never gave it too much thought. It was enough to be surrounded by friends. He didn't need anything more than that. But since Yosuke asked nicely, he might as well give him an answer. "You."

"W-What? Dude! That is not funny!" He grabbed his own shoulders and shivered. "Don't even joke about things like that!"

Yu laughed out loud. Yosuke was too easy to tease. He and Kanji shared more similarities than Yosuke would care to admit. "I'm not looking for a relationship right now. You guys are good enough for me." As long as he wasn't alone, he was fine.

"Ha. You say that now, but one day it'll hit you. You're a lucky guy though. You probably won't have any problems at all."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He gave Yu an incredulous look. "It doesn't really need to be explained, you lucky bastard."

Yu was completely baffled by Yosuke's attack. "Thanks?"

"Enough about that, I just got the most brilliant idea!" he yelled, changing the topic.

"What's that?"

"Let's hit up Okina City this Sunday!"

Rise had taken Yu to Okina City on occasion, so he knew the place. There wasn't anything there that they couldn't find in the shopping district. "What are we going to do there?"

"What else? To pick up chicks, of course! Think about it. There's no more mystery to solve and we have a whole three months ahead of us. It's time to let loose and have some fun. I can't do this by myself. Can you be my wingman?" It sounded like a proposal. He even pulled out his puppy dog face for extra persuasion.

It had zero effect, but it was proof of his desperation, and Yu wasn't that cruel. He was free that weekend, so why not? "Alright then, it's a date."

Yosuke immediately grimaced. "Dude, don't say it like that!"

Chapter 4: Airheaded Princess  

Yukiko Amagi, manager-in-training and heir to the Amagi Inn, was trying to clear her head.

Whenever she was stressed, she liked to go to her favorite spot, the pavilion near the Samegawa riverbank. The place wasn't anything special. It was a small roof over a bench made out of cheap wood, but it offered an ample view of nature and her favorite animal: the birds. There were plenty of them here, and watching them fly soothed her tumultuous mind.

Running an inn was hard work. It seemed impossible to juggle so many different responsibilities simultaneously, but her mother made it look easy. Everybody at the inn was eager to help, and for that, Yukiko was grateful, but there was one thing she couldn't do no matter how much support the staff offered, and that was entertaining the guests.

Her mother was a natural. She could coax a laugh out of the staunchest stone-faced customer with a single sentence. Yukiko's training helped her to improve in many areas, but she was still awkward around people. Other than be polite, she couldn't see herself as a host. It was a task beyond her abilities.

She was knocked out of her thoughts when she spotted Yu walking home by himself. His appearance struck her with a bolt of inspiration. Perhaps he could help?

"Leader!" she called out.

His head snapped to her, surprised by the shout out, and his eyes lit up. "Good afternoon. Another stressful day at work?" he greeted back.

Yukiko smiled shyly. The fact that he accurately guessed her situation made her feel warm. She wondered if his memory was just that good, or if he cared for her more than he let on. She shook her head; now was not the time to let daydreams lull her into an awkward silence. Yu was someone she could trust, so she had no problems going to him for help. That was the only reason she called out to him. "Um, can I ask you something?"

The silver-haired boy took a seat next to her and folded his hands. A brief wave of nostalgia hit him. This was how they first met outside of school. The more things changed, the more things stayed the same. He wouldn't have it any other way. "Of course. What is it?"

She fidgeted nervously. Just how was she going to say this? Forget it; she'd just say it plainly. "Am I funny?"

"How do you mean?" he asked back, perplexed. It was an odd question coming from her.

"Do I make you laugh?" she clarified.

"In what way?" he answered, still confused.

"I mean..." She sighed. His inability to reply properly was all the answer she needed. "Never mind. Sorry for asking you something strange." Her shoulders drooped in resignation.

Yu wouldn't let it go that easily. It was clear that this was bothering her. It was his job as leader to make sure she was okay. He had an idea, but he wanted to make sure that it was correct before offering advice. "When you say funny, do you mean like a comedian?"

Her eyes widened. Those were the exact words floating on the tip of her tongue. "That's exactly it," she confirmed happily. She hated trying to spell out things for other people, especially when it involved something embarrassing.

"In that case... No."

Instant KO! She was crushed. All her hopes and dreams…dashed, just like that. Where was the delicacy? "Really?"

"I don't think being funny fits your image." He meant it as a compliment, but the heiress didn't see it that way.

"I guess it's impossible for me after all," she said tiredly, feeling depressed.

He got the feeling that he missed the mark. "Do you want to be funny?"

She turned red. "When you put it like that..." It sounded dumb and childish, but yeah, that was the gist of it.

He thought of her as the type to laugh than make others laugh, not that the bar for setting off her laughter was particularly high, but she never gave any indication that she wanted to be an entertainer. To be funny seemed to go against her shy personality, but it did make a lot of sense. Shy people don't want to be shy, and the best way to be friendlier is to become funnier. "What is this for?" he asked.

"It's for running the inn. I can greet customers and act polite, but there's more to it than that. I have to be a great host as well. Unfortunately, I'm not very good with people I don't know..."

He didn't doubt that Yukiko would make a great manager, but her social skills left something to be desired when it came to strangers. Comedy was perhaps one way to fix that problem. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm not funny either."

When he thought about it, the ones who were funniest were probably Yosuke, Teddie, and Kanji—Yosuke because he's such a spaz, Teddie because he says ridiculous things without realizing what they really mean, and Kanji because he gets worked up over the smallest things. The common thread that tied them together was that they didn't mean to be funny; it was just a happy byproduct of their personalities.

"Is there a way to become funnier?" she wondered. She wracked her brain for solutions but never got anywhere.

"Why don't you wear those special glasses?" he asked, referring to the joke nose and mustache rims.

Yukiko began giggling at the mental image of greeting guests with that getup. "I c-can't do that," she squeezed out between her giggles.

Yu crossed his arms and hummed to himself, probing his mind for ideas. "Do you know any jokes?"

"No." And she regretted it. Obviously, the most natural step was to learn some jokes. Why didn't she think of that before? "Do you know any?" she asked eagerly. She needed to hear some examples first.

He wasn't expecting her to turn the tables on him. "Uh... Not really," he admitted weakly. The thought of making people laugh was hard to fathom. He was a rather grim character before arriving here. He only lightened up because of Yosuke, Chie, and the others. Besides, there was more to comedy than telling jokes. "You can tell funny stories too."

The suggestion wasn't any better. It required funny stories, which she wasn't brimming with, and even if she was, she didn't have faith in her storytelling abilities. "I don't know any."

"Remember our camping trip?"

She cringed. "Ugh. Please don't bring up bad memories."

It was horrible at the time, but he recalled that day with fondness. Bad memories tend to get funnier over time. He could understand her reluctance to use that story though. "Okay, so you can't do jokes and you can't do stories, what else is there?"

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. She should just give up. "Why is this so hard?" she muttered.

Yu was thinking the same thing. People shouldn't go out of their way to be funny, it should occur naturally. It required a quick and witty mind. When he thought about it, Naoto would probably make a brilliant comedian. Her intelligence was well-suited to snarky quips. "You should act clumsy and trip over yourself a few times. That should be good for a laugh."

"I can't do that!" she protested strongly.

And that was why he wasn't a comedian. "I wasn't serious," he sighed. He violated the first rule of a good joke: they should never have to be explained.

"Oh," she let out, frowning. "Sorry. I thought…"

They both went silent. What a miserable conversation. They had gone nowhere and instead reminded themselves of how terrible they were at making others laugh. He might've been overthinking this. How about going back to the basics? "Yukiko, look at me."

"Huh?" The odd request set her heart a flutter. She deliberately turned her head slowly, wondering what could possibly be in store for her. To her surprise, Yu had the dumbest-looking grin on his face. His cheeks were abnormally high, his eyes squished into slits, and his mouth was wide open with his tongue hanging out. "Hrnk—" She tried to clamp her mouth shut but the laughter burst through anyways. "BWAHAHAHA! What kind of face is that?" she squeezed out between gasps. To see the calm Yu with such a ridiculous smile was too amazing. He looked like a bad drawing by a five-year old come to life. It was over; she was a lost cause now.

He didn't know whether to feel embarrassed for himself or for Yukiko. What he did wasn't very clever, but she always seemed to have a soft spot for the dumb stuff—like Teddie. Her laughter was infectious though, and it was hard not to get caught up in her pace. He found himself joining her.

That was it! He figured out how she could make others laugh. "You don't have to be funny," he realized.

She calmed down when she heard those words. "What do you mean?"

"It's hard to be funny. It's not impossible, but it's not something people can just do. You're better off not trying." As leader, he never failed to provide such poignant and discouraging remarks. Way to comfort her, leader. "If you want to entertain your guests, you should just be yourself."

"Be myself?" she echoed. She wasn't sure how that advice would apply. The problem was that her normal self wasn't funny to begin with.

Yu nodded. "It's simple. Don't try to make the customer laugh, but let the customer make you laugh."

"Let the customer make me laugh..." She never thought of it that way. She always focused on being polite, but… "I don't get it…"

"Everybody likes to think that they're funny. When you laugh at their jokes, they feel good about themselves. Everybody wants to be a comedian," he explained. When Yukiko laughed at his dumb joke, it made him feel pretty awesome.

If that was the case, "Then did I make you feel good?" she asked. She went into fits of laughter a lot, but she never considered that it could make somebody feel "good." Suddenly, she realized how her question sounded. "W-Wait, I mean—"

"Of course. You made me feel great," he complimented, grinning.

Hearing that gave her a lot of confidence. She felt elated. Those words, coming from Yu, meant a lot to her. "I think—I understand what you mean now. Thank you for the advice."

"It's no problem. Just keep on laughing. It makes the world a better place," he joked.

"If you want me to keep laughing, then you should do more funny things," she shot back, feeling her troubles fly away.

That was more like it. Yukiko was a lot more fun when she was confident. "Way to put me on the spot. Let me think… Oh, I got one. What does Chie ask for when she's thirsty?"

"Uhh…" She had no idea. It was an intriguing setup, considering it involved someone they knew. "I give up."

"Watah!"

"Snrk." It was a dumb joke, very stupid, basic, and lacked any kind of sophistication. But… "BWHAHAHAHAHA!"

It made her laugh.

Good enough.

#persona 4 #fanfiction

[nox-artemis]

Halloween isn't making me really happy this year.

I mean, there's a lot of other factors going into play too, but definitely my mind has been preoccupied extra since a lot of feelings have been catching up since last year.

J.G. sure picked a "appropriate" time of year to pull the ghosting act, if you catch my drift.

But again, there's a lot more.

Part One: Realization

The first thing I have to admit isn’t too surprising but still something people don’t condone. I feel comfortable admitting to it now since I blocked-unfollowed J.G. and I’m certain they don’t give a rat’s shit about me to do the same by coming onto my blog (like they ever cared enough about me to want to keep tabs on me). It’s ironic that I say this since what I’m about to admit is that yes: since around the time they ghosted me, I made a habit of lurking on their active social media, which was basically their Facebook. Not only was their FB a public profile (now that I blocked-unfollowed J.G. from IG, I can’t see their photos anymore because private account), it was also the only platform that we never mutually followed each other on, so I felt that this was the only place I could see the “real” J.G.

As the old proverb says, “curiosity killed the cat.” But satisfaction did not bring me back.

When I scrolled back to around the time the ghosting happened, I was a bit forlorn at first to see that there was no post alluding to the event, or of me in anyway, but J.G. did have a “shit post” model of social media as of recently – not really making any posts about their personal life – so I decided to proceed with periodically dipping into their feed, because in actuality seeing them regularly reposting cheesy/shitty memes gave the illusion that we were still talking to one another. I stuck to doing that for a few months because of that.

Until around February/March when they posted a rare personally typed post [changed some wording for privacy]:

People: "But why are you still single?"

Me [J.G.]: "Because I'd rather hold people accountable to their actions than entertain their crap."

And that was the last time I went onto their Facebook.

Weirdly, it was not the last time I tried to contact them, but definitely… I couldn’t look at their open-secret thoughts anymore. Maybe it wasn’t directed at me, but at that point it seemed like a double-edged sword. It was either J.G. felt so much resentment toward the type of relationship we just shared, or J.G. never cared enough about me to even acknowledge anything. It was a big stab to the heart.

And when I deleted all of our messages and the pictures they sent to me of them, I screen captured that post, because I wanted to keep it as a reminder of how much of a mistake it was to be involved with them.

Even though I haven’t accepted it yet.

Part Two: Shame/Embarrassment

This might be something to be discussed with a therapist, but I think a reason that I’ve been taking this whole ghosting/break-up saga so deeply is because – as much as I don’t want to admit it – I’ve been feeling a lot of shame and embarrassment when looking back at me and J.G.’s relationship. And despite how I’ve talked at lengths about my relationship woes to only two of my close friends (the only two people I’ve been regularly seeing for about the same length of time I’ve been ghosted by J.G.) , it’s a detail I never told either of them.

Me and J.G.’s first time together… was my first time.

Some people will roll their eyes and scoff, “ you’re seriously embarrassed about admitting *that*?” and in response I roll my eyes even further and scoff, “Yeah well can we stop pretending that in spite of the ‘sex positive’ façade of our generation some of ya’ll have a weird reaction toward mid/late life virginity loss (it’s possibly the only thing where I have a shred of sympathy for incels and the like since some people *do* talk down on people who are sexually inexperienced/shy/conservative) so can you shove your Adam & Eve promo coupon up someone else’s butthole?”

I deprogrammed myself to not believe in the whole, “save yourself until marriage,” stuff, obviously, BUT I had the expectation that my first time would be with a person who was understanding, kind, good-looking… I just wanted to be with someone who was a good person, because even if we didn’t end up together for whatever reason, it wouldn’t have been on bad terms, it wouldn’t have been regrettable. The good memories and experiences wouldn’t be tainted.

And I guess my embarrassment and shame comes with the gravity of the possibility that I gave myself to a person who by all accounts is a narcissist and/or a psychopath.

And I played into their game.

I know we fling those words around a lot, but this is based on what J.G. has told me about their family/upbringing and I’m not going to be so insensitive as to reveal *their* specific issues, because I don’t even think they know that I know, even though they were quite open about it on their blog.

I don’t want to sound counter-progressive in this era of mental health awareness, but a part of me deep down is regretful that I wanted to give J.G. some compassion and empathy by looking past their struggles… I asked myself if it was a good choice to get involved with some like this, someone like them; apart from our physical distance and cultural difference, this was probably the biggest barrier. Call it hindsight, it was written on the walls that J.G. would do something like this. I’ve read of other people getting ghosted like this by partners/friends who had such conditions.

And then I look at my own family, with so many women – including my mother – having to look after not just physically and mentally ill spouses, but spouses who are just so ungrateful despite their partner’s sacrifices, it seems. Did I really want to put myself in the same boat? It would honestly be safer to remain single even in advanced age and death than to be… weighed down with such a burden.

But I kept telling myself, “NO. Just because people have mental illnesses doesn’t mean they’re bad people. It doesn’t mean their evil/sinister. It doesn’t mean they can’t live complete lives. It doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to have love in their lives.”

I never wanted to fix them – hence why I never brought up the fact that I knew about/remembered their struggles – but I was willing to learn and to be with them throughout if they would let me, have me.

But now you see why I’ve gone nearly half-insane from this. Because I WANT to think that J.G. is an evil, heartless, sociopath so that I can finally realize that by them ghosting me I dodged a deadly bullet, BUT then I’m still suffering from the fact that I was still non-fatally shot by their actions. It’s proving to be very difficult because… how can somebody be both the worst and the best at the same time? J.G. is definitely the person who – out of all of my past relationships – hurt me the most, yet at the same time, whenever I have negative encounters with men and other people (patronizing, predatory), I always think about J.G. as a comfort tool. Like, “J.G. wouldn’t talk to me like that,” or, “J.G. would protect me and keep me safe.”

The thought of our entire relationship being just a game to them seems incomprehensible to me – it makes no sense to believe that for all of these years since meeting on Tumblr, J.G. held the thought, “yup one day I’m going to fuck this chick,” in their mind and saw an opportunity to do so when I began the process of admitting my feelings to them only two years ago (as I recall, I didn’t even make it on any of their “most attractive mutuals” lists). But then again, some people make it their mission to knock women off any pedestal they have just to “humble” them. Maybe they thought I was snooty or a know-it-all or that I was trying to get into their pants for ulterior motives.

And I guess I just made it easy for them. Stupid, stupid.

Part Three: Lessons

There was a time I wanted to be a teacher – like, a formal schoolteacher. The closest I got to becoming one was when I was an after school instructor for kindergarten and 1st grade kids. I learned a lot on that job – including that I didn’t really want to be around kids and that I was willing to go to graduate school to avoid those type of jobs (once people see that you worked in either public education and/or childcare, that’s all they focus on – especially if you’re a chick). At this rate I’m more cut out for college level teaching; maybe I’ll give teaching at the associate’s level a try in a couple of years.

But no matter my education experience and my experience in public education and the like, it turns out J.G. of all people was a superior teacher all along, unintentional or not.

Because it’s been through their cruelty of silence that finally cemented into my mind that this relationship shit isn’t fucking worth it.

They’ve taught me that no one can make them love or care for anyone whom they see as being beneath them.

They’ve taught me that it’s very easy to put on a veil of “niceness.”

They’ve taught me that it’s not worth it to be around certain people – or really a lot of people.

They've taught me a lot and they were very hard pills to swallow. But I had to. They forced me to.

Conclusion:

So yeah. A year ago around this time – oddly enough I forget which date it was exactly and I can’t exactly go back to check those messages – J.G. said that they’d text me back about coming up north to where I live to visit me. They still haven’t texted me back.

Another odd thing is that is that the event didn’t ruin my Halloween, per se. But that’s not a fucking excuse for them and if they try to use that as an excuse, well, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that they’d stoop to that level to relieve themselves of any guilt – if they have any.

I’m in school again and school assignments are taking up my time. I’m still working at my current job, and that’s taking up my time. I’m trying to finish an independent research project for an archaeology conference in Portugal in January, and that’s taking up my time. And I’m going to Greece with my half-estranged brother in two weeks, and that’s taking up my time.

Shit always hits the fan in October, my favorite month, and it seems like I have no real time to indulge in Halloween after all.

But it feels like the trauma from last October is catching up to me at last, because in reality, the thing taking up most of my time, ruining Halloween, is thinking about J.G.

I wish it’ll end someday.

#personal #break-up diary #break up diary #ghosting #ghosted

[pawjamas]

I keep meaning to start journaling/keeping a physical diary again. Instead I also just spill shit on my tumblr. Literally do not know how I still have followers I must be so annoying except that I’m like a goddamn soap opera at this point. I did keep a journal around 6th grade that I called a “diurnal” I guess but I never actually wrote out that word (of course diurnal is in fact a real word outside of smashing the words “diary” and “journal” together). I drew comics from my life. My friends left notes and it. It was an open book that any of my friends were allowed to read. I wrote out my feelings. Imaginations. Things that happened to me and things that bothered me and hopes and dreams and all the things a 6th grade girl’s journal should be. I wrote to my older self. I always said I would come back and read it. When I was 16. When I was 18. When I was 20. I’m 22 now. I haven’t touched it except to pack it up to move from house to house. I find that I have enough of my own troubles now I don’t need 11-13 year old me’s troubles, even though retrospectively those were the best years of my life. I hope some day I’m mentally in a place I can go back and relive that time. But I haven’t been there yet. I’m working on getting there. I feel like every time I pull myself back up on my feet I get knocked down again. The past 8 months have been more of a rollarcoaster than I’ve had in years. So much I thought I was sure of was just uprooted for me. Through a lot of this I’ve been on the hunt for more suitable stuffed animals because I’ve decided that if my life is going to be hell despite the best I make of it (and I really do make the best of it I’m also very much loving my best life through all of the shit that the universe is throwing at me). Went to the beach today. Sat in the sun. Listened to good music. Collected shells. Went shopping. Things I do quite often. Things that make me feel good. Should probably go back to journaling which makes me feel good or at least less like crap where this all started but basically I just meant to check in and be like hey I also used to journal lol and I bought some stuffed animals today but yeah that got away from me. This is embarrassing. Whoops. (You can still post it it’s fine /gen)

-Silver

i adore reading others' ramblings about life, so it was truly a treat to read all of this. while packing all my things for the move (of which still hasn't happened however a majority of all my life's treasured belongings are in boxes in storage now) i ran across my old journal i kept during childhood. it's HUGE like a massively long big journal with so many memories packed into it. though i mostly wrote daily happenings in it i also made sure to tape and paste memorabilia from what happened that day - movie tickets, stuffed animal tags from new plushies i'd get, i'd paste in drawings from sketchbooks or note paper i especially liked. photos, restaurant menus i kept as a kid (old kids menus lol), leaves and flowers from adventures outside. i also want to revisit that journal someday, i want to re-read the nice memories i made during that time period. i also hesitate as well though, i'm likely going to wait until i'm ready as well.

the best you can do with the current life your living, the one that's so much more complex and different than the years recorded in your journal of 6th grade, is do as you described and make the best of each passing day - i'm glad you can still love it despite the horrible turns it may take, the many struggles, and ups and downs you're dealing with are still all worth the warmth of the sun on your skin, the sound of the ocean crashing beside you, and collecting new stuffed animal friends. over and over i've had to rediscover there really are simple pleasures to life worth staying here for, a lot of things i neglect to notice when things seem to take another bad turn. but i hope you continue to enjoy these things, and i wish you good luck if you decide to start journaling again. ❣️

#letters 💌 #silver ♡

[italks2]

A bit more venting since this is my only safe space apparently. I clearly remember having another acc but I can't find it now and I'm on a new dumb phone. This junk wasn't expensive compared to other phones but it definitely is a waste of money and could've been spent on a quality phone instead. But, my phone problems are sincerely the least of my worries.

I've been taking a medication for acne and one of the side effects clashes with my antidepressants. Though I wouldn't call my psychiatric drugs anti depressants since they're technically called something along the lines of mood stabilizers. I've been taking them for over 3 years and it's crap, I'm practically a zombie.

I'm writing before I have to go to my psychologist. I tend to overly complain about my life but many would be happy to switch places with me. That does not help me get out more out of my life since I'm stuck in a loop of self pity. I don't think I want to die but I'm sure I'm sick of living. I keep asking all the wrong decisions and my anxiety gets the best of me most days. I try to feel better by making others feel better but I'm not sure how that's working out. I know people are grateful for me but is that enough of a reason to keep living? I strongly believe people are replaceable. Yeah, grief isn't a desired emotion but it passes. Time doesn't heal all, it just helps to lessen the volume of your pain. But that too is something people move on with. I think it's nice that in Judaism there are 7 whole days dedicated to grieving unless there's a holiday in-between and then you're forced to be happy, which obviously isn't ideal.

I'm supposed to be excited. I'll be starting my university life in October but I can't handle the thought of moving on in life. I was so so sure I'd die before 18. I've always wanted to be a kid forever. Now I'm just a stupid young adult. No one gives a shit about 20 year olds navigating through life. Absolutely everyone cares when a tragedy happens to a minor. I'm not sure if I wanted people to pay attention to my death since I didn't feel useful while living. It's stupid since I won't be able to see it. Why would I care so much? Oddly, thinking about my death has kept me living longer than thinking about my living while living. Thoughts like my reason for choosing death shouldn't be anger kept me going during the full year I didn't speak with my dumb brother. Even though I felt like I went through hell with that experience. Am I stronger now after opposing and resisting his threatening presence for a full year? Have I learned something useful that would guide me in my future? I don't know since it's very very hard to imagine a future right now. I hate how I have "friends" that continuously say how they're in a difficult time right now. A difficult time is a period of time where you are overly stressed, have to deal with something difficult or making big changes in your life. It isn't a phrase to go around saying your whole fucking life. It's a period of time. That does not say the person is having it easy but always having a difficult time is just a basic lack of understanding that life isn't breezy. Having a good time is so temporary and it's okay to acknowledge you aren't. This probably makes me so mad because this one friend I have from my national service is always complaining about herself.she never takes the time to check up on me and if I try opening up to her, she just gives me advice and compares how she has it more difficult. She isn't a mean person just not one I'd like to hang around with so often. I thought I had fun with her but our last meet up was just exhausting. I'm definitely not a good judge of character and not very good at keeping friends close but to my defense they don't try to be close to me either. No one has the energy to make new friends. I used to travel around so much as a kid because of my father's work so I grew accustomed to it.

I used to think quite highly of myself. I never put down others in order to feel that way, just used to work really hard and my results spoke for themselves. I wear glasses and people think I look smart. I do have some knowledge but I wouldn't call myself smart. I think critical thinkers are smart people. I think curious people are smart people. I think humble people are smart people. I feel like I don't fit in these categories. At best I'm nice but a person saying about themselves that they are nice is kind of a red flag so I don't know anymore.

[aenngelic]

I will protect her at all costs (chapter 2)

Disclaimer: please don’t hate me for it, if you don’t ship them please just don’t read it ok 🥲

contains: slow burn, Sniper falling in love with Kuon, Snipers view/thoughts, sexual fantasies, nudity, lemon stuff overall

It is a very long chapter I’m sorry

Note: please feel free to message me if you have certain romantic moments to include in the story! (Already running out of ideas oops)

It did not take long for us to find a bag of supplies. It was on a coffee table in some sort of lobby area. It seemed as if this building probably was meant to represent some kind of hotel, which I thought was a good thing, because that meant that there would be beds and showers to be found here as well. To our surprise, the bag contained mostly candy, which I wouldn't interpret as a balanced meal. However, the girl seemed to like this finding. It was only a matter of minutes before the chocolate residue stained the corners of my companion's mouth in a brown color. However, I preferred to smoke a cigarette at first and watch the girl devour her own body weight in the form of chocolate.

" This is fantastic! It feels like forever since I last ate chocolate! I faintly remember dieting before I entered this world too, so this must have been probably weeks since I held chocolate in my hand." Kuon said with delight. It was amusing to watch her enjoy sweets. Kuon's carelessness may be a burden at times, but her innocent character makes up for it.

" you partly remember your life prior to this, don't you?"

" Yes, not much to be honest. I'm sorry you can't," Kuon replied in a concerned voice.

"Tell me about it."

She gave me a visibly puzzled look before straightening her back so that she was sitting as straight as a candle on the sofa across from me, staring at her hands somewhat lost in thought. She seemed uncomfortable that I had now brought up this topic. Unfortunately, I could not take back my question. "Well," she began, "to be honest,the life I remember has not been the greatest, I guess." Kuon abruptly shook her head. " That's not true either. I was born into a rich family and had many privileges. My father owned a large company and had very high expectations of me from the very beginning. One day I was supposed to take it over. I was probably pretty lucky compared to other people. I was probably a big disappointment for him. My character was just not strong enough in his eyes. I also remember not really having any friends either, because I was privately educated. And anyway..." I could literally hear the lump in Kuon's throat as a tear began to stream down the girl's cheek.

" i'm sorry. You know, I didn't really mean to end up crying."

I felt my heart break once again, watching the girl grieve. I was surprised now, though, to find out that this yet seemingly uncomplicated high school student was actually carrying a lot of emotional baggage. I did not hesitate as I jumped up from my seat to calm the blue-haired girl. I really hated it like the plague when she cried. Trying to preserve my Coolness, however, I grumbled, "oh girl. What's wrong?"

I placed myself to her left, and pressed her against my shoulder while running my hand over her hair a few times. There was no way I could bring myself to face her, though. It would be too embarrassing and, after all, I was far from being the Prince Charming who would dry her tears with a silken tissue. Besides, I could not withstand the sight of her teary eyes. So there I sat, a weeping teenage girl wetting my blazer with salty drops of grief on my right, awkwardly staring off into the distance.

"It's, it's..." she stammered, not being able to form a word. "You're the first person I've been able to trust, and because of that, I'm kind of..."

She took a deep breath, "It makes me so unbelievably happy."

Almost for the second time that day, a cigarette nearly got stuck in my throat, but this time I was able to suppress my urge to cough. The girl seemed to really like me. But did I like her too? I would be lying if I said I did not care about her. And if she got killed, I could never forgive myself. It was astonishing how one could form such a strong bond with another person in such a short period of time. However, pouring out my entire feelings in front of her would not come close to the cool lifestyle I was pursuing.

" i'm also happy to have met you, Kuon.", i finally decided to answer after a moment of figuring out how to respond.

Kuon's face, which was still streaked with tears, started to smile again, which made me feel much relieved. However, it took her a while to completely stop her wailing . We remained in this position for a while, until at some point I realized that the girl had fallen asleep. Her head had lowered in the meantime even further toward the ground, so that after some time she was no longer leaning against my shoulder but much rather against my belly. When I noticed this after some time and looked down to the girl, a cute sight presented itself to me. Admittedly, on the one hand it felt nice to act as this girl's pillow. On the other hand, it triggered an immeasurable amount of embarrassment in me. But cool guys do like to take care of girls' comfort, don't they?

Therefore, I decided I'd rather not wake her up and hardly moved at all. I looked out the window to my right, watching the sunset and reflected on certain issues. I was thinking about Rika as well as the two girls we were trying to find and, of course, about Kuon and so many other things until my eyes started to close.

When I regained consciousness, the night must have settled in. Before I could even perceive my surroundings properly, I swiveled my head once to the left and once to the right and let my gaze wander through the room. Because the moon was particularly bright this night, everything around me had taken on a deep blue tone. It was so quiet around me that I could have heard a pin drop. In the next second I realized that I should not have fallen asleep in the first place. Somebody would have had to keep watch, after all! Crap! If an enemy would have come along the way, it certainly would not have been good for me and Kuon. I looked down to my thigh where the blue-haired girl was supposed to lie. I felt her place her head on my thigh at some point during the night, but when I looked down at my thigh, I could not find any girl. Where the hell was Kuon? A rational thinking person, as I was one, could of course assume that my companion did not necessarily have to be in danger, but could also have simply visited the toilet, for example. Nonetheless, my alarm bells started ringing immediately. Kuon was, after all, a young girl who, apart from the "rail gun", did not posses many possibilities for self-defense. So of course I was worried.

Without thinking much, I hopped up from the sofa, on which I had been napping a few moments before. In quick stride I wandered through the poorly lit hallway without really having a clue where I was heading. My head was foggy from the idea that the girl might be in serious danger. A few days ago, I probably would have accepted the fact that she was suddenly nowhere to be found and continued my journey. And now my stomach was already twisting at the thought of her getting in trouble.

Nevertheless, a short moment later, my heart pounding madly from the ever-repeating scenario in my head, I heard a noise at the end of the corridor. A soft, high-pitched humming was heard, drowned out by the pattering of many drops. Light emerged from the crack of a door on the left. Was she taking a shower? The feeling of relief spread through my chest, followed by some degree of annoyance. Why did the girl not wake me up? I took a few steps towards the door, but before I was about to reach for the door handle, I remembered that I should not do so. A gentleman never violates a lady's privacy. So I decided to wait.

I leaned against the local wall, one leg bent. Then I let my thoughts wander, while the pattering of the raindrops in the bathroom right next to me showed no indication of stopping anytime soon. A lady of high society must spend quite a bit of her life showering, I thought to myself. And before I knew it, the image of Kuon suddenly popped up in my head. In my imagination I pictured her body, wondering what it looked like completely naked. A bar of soap running over her plump breasts, leaving traces of foam on her soft, wet skin. A body swinging under the hot rainfall like a leaf in the wind, presenting its vivid buttocks. I wonder if she was shaved? Hardly had I been able to finish this dirty thought of mine and get mad at my filthy thinking when my ears picked up the sound of footsteps in the distance. And they were coming ominously closer.

Damn, I thought to myself and was about to reach for my rifle, only to realize that I forgot it next to the sofa where I had been sleeping. I had been so upset about her disappearance that I could seriously forget the most crucial item for our survival.What was I going to do? For a brief moment I was at a loss. Escape proved almost impossible at this point, since I was at a dead end and I could not force the approaching enemy down with any surrounding objects. Besides, if I escaped, it would only be a matter of time before the enemy would track down my helpless companion. In the next moment, almost instinctively, I reached for the door handle that led to the bathroom that Kuon had still claimed. Perhaps there were objects in the room that were suitable for fighting, or perhaps we could be lucky and not be found, I speculated in the heat of the moment. So I tore open the door and rushed into the bathroom, greeted by a hot haze that took over the entire area.

"Kuon!" I called out in a hushed tone.

Without hesitation, I pushed my way through the door that separated the shower from the rest of the bathroom as if I was walking through nothing. Until that moment, I had hardly given a thought to the circumstances of this situation. But at the latest, when finally the naked body of a schoolgirl jumped into my field of vision, I quickly realized this again. I was just about to violate Kuon's privacy. An obviously shocked girl looked towards me, that from 1 second to the other tried to cover herself desperately.

"Mr.Ma-", she was about to say, but I interrupted her raised voice by pressing my hand to her lips as quickly as possible.

While I was still in the act of stepping into the shower, I flicked the light switch in the same movement so that no sign of our presence could escape from the room. Maybe they would not find us here, I hoped at this point.

"There's someone out there," I whispered to the naked girl in front of me.

" if we are quiet, maybe we won't be found. If we are, then..."

Kuon replied to me with an unintelligible "Mmm" , which resembled the sound of a frightened gasp. My body had pressed so close to hers by now that I could feel the wetness of her skin soaking through my shirt. I had directed my face facing away from her so that I could sharpen my hearing for the footsteps I could hear. Furthermore , I did not want to add unnecessary tension to the whole situation. It was uncool enough to interfere with a naked girl taking a shower even if it was an emergency. My hand was still resting on her lips and even though I was wearing gloves and looking away, I could clearly feel the warmth building up in Kuon's cheeks. She was obviously blushing in this moment. But having her pressed against the bathroom wall while forcing my hand tightly onto her lips and not even keeping a distance of not 2 inches, I could not blame her.

For quite a while, we did not move at all. We listened closely to the footsteps, which came a little closer and finally slowly moved away from us again. Temporarily it was even so quiet in this bathroom that we could hear each other breathing. Kuon's breathing was fast and almost verged on hyperventilation in this situation. Because there was hardly any distance between our bodies, I could literally feel her chest rising and falling in short intervals. With each rise, her breasts brushed my upper body a slight bit. I tried, as always, to keep my composure and block out the fact that Kuon was completely naked. Only when several minutes had passed did my posture loosen and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Okay, we should be safe for now," I stated and let go of the girl.

I flipped the light switch and had to swallow.

Kuon had been naked before too, but it was only now that the danger was gone that I could really comprehend this fact. She had tried to cover her breasts with her hands and had simultaneously crossed her legs, looking down with a shameful expression on her face. However, the concealment attempt seemed to be unsuccessful for her. Although I only caught a glimpse of her appearance before I turned away from her as quickly as possible, I saw her entire beauty for a moment.Her breasts were in relation to her otherwise so petite body, large and plump. She had a narrow waist and perfectly shaped legs, in combination with her smooth, fair skin. And so she shaved, I could still tell. What remained most imprinted on my mind, however, was the look on her face.I of course preferred to see her friendly smile a thousand times more than this face that expressed pure shame. But I could not help but adore the sight of her big sparkling dog eyes looking at the ground helplessly.

My breath stopped for a moment, but then I quickly cleared my throat, my gaze already averted from her, scanning the room for a towel. I tried to hide the fact that I actually wanted to slap myself for the thoughts I was having. Luckily, my embarrassment was not visible through the mask. I had to change the subject immediately before the situation became even more awkward:

"Sorry, Kuon." , I mumbled. I was surprised myself by my harsh tone. It took me a while to recollect the words.

"You should let me know next time you decide to go somewhere else."

"Oh yeah right. I didn't mean to cause any trouble.", Countered the girl who also seemed to be a bit embarrassed. So it wasn't just me who was feeling uncomfortable about this situation. Without giving my companion another look, I threw a towel right over my head at her. I had a precise aim.

" I'm going to get my rifle. I forgot it in all the hurry near the sofa."

Just as I was about to open the door to step out, the girl interrupted my process by grabbing my arm with unusual intensity.

" can you come back here afterwards? Please?"

"That's what I was planning on doing anyway. I'll be waiting right outside the door," I replied, a bit puzzled by this question.

" but I have -." she interrupted herself, shaking her head slightly before continuing.

Then her facial expression regained its former composure, whereupon she gave me her typical, beaming smile. I could tell, however, that she did not mean it honestly. How I could tell that, I had no idea myself though. But did she want me to stay here with her?

" no you're right. I'll hurry up and be done in a few minutes," she said. While she was talking, she wrapped the towel around her body in a quick movement, fastening it in front with the help of a knot.

I had meanwhile turned my gaze back to her. Although Kuon was now dressed, it was difficult for me not to inspect her from top to bottom. Her entire body was still drenched in a hint of wetness, so that her skin was reflectingthe bright bathroom light. It was also slightly red from the hot shower water. I wondered if the red tint to her cheeks was also caused by that, or if I was responsible for it.I could not help but notice the way the towel just managed to hide all the places it was supposed to cover and yet was far too tight. If she bent over, a special view would present itself to me. Immediately I dashed this disgusting thought from my head. If I continued to reduce myself only to her appearance this could end in negligence on my part and I would not be able to protect her properly.After all, that was the most important thing. I also discarded this thought. Had this strange girl really become so important to me? Nevertheless, there was no place for interpersonal relationships in this world.Before I could get any further into this train of thought, I turned away again and finally walked out of the room. I was in need of a cigarette.

#kuniper #kuon shinzaki #sniper mask #yuka makoto #high rise invasion #tenkuu shinpan #yuka makoto smut #yu chan #rika honjo #yuri honjo #sky high survival #sky violation #shinzaki kuon #fanfic

[that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick]

Rating: G

Word Count: 1.6k

Fake dating, love at first sight, and all that. The basic fluff palate.

A/N: I had no idea what the lyrics to "Hello Stranger" by Stray Kids were until after I wrote the fic, but the title and vibe made me daydream this whole idea up in the car. You're welcome. (Totally would recommend the official MV too, it just doesn't have English subs)

Another day, another heckling. And this time it had to be on a public subway, apparently.

"All I'm saying is, if you're so rich, why do you have to conveniently forget your credit card every single time we all go out for lunch?" Edward narrowed his eyes at Ling.

"Why bring it when I don't expect to be going out to eat?" Ling said airily. "And you're always so generous when it happens unexpectedly."

Edward grunted. "That's an absolute load of bull and you know it. You can't say that you 'just forgot' to bring money because you 'didn't expect it' when I text the group chat 'Who wants to go out for lunch tomorrow?' and you say 'Ooh! Ooh! Me!'" he squealed in a poor imitation of his friend.

"Your girlfriend would love you for it, you know—paying for dates," Ling continued, ignoring Ed's accusations. He gasped. "Oh, that's right! You don't have a girlfriend! Perhaps if you weren't so quarrelsome, you could manage to win the heart of a lady."

"Who are you calling so puny that he's gonna die alone and have weeds all over his grave that no one will bother to pull?" Ed screeched.

Russell finally spoke up from his seat at the end of the row. "Ed, he didn't say anything about your height. He may be a cheapskate, but he didn't make a dig at your height. For once."

"Yeah, that's right! No fair changing the subject, Ling. This discussion was about how you're a little rich boy who always makes his friends pay for his own food," Ed huffed.

"Why quibble over such a minor expense? How expensive could a burger be? Twenty dollars?" The other two boys gaped at Ling, but he only kept going. "Besides, I'm far more interested in the current topic. Edward, you know I care for you deeply—"

"Fat chance."

"—but with your disposition, I doubt you could get a girlfriend if you tried!"

"Now, you wait just a second! You don't know squat about my love life! In fact, I could—"

Out of nowhere, a blonde girl knelt on the seat next to Ed's and slipped an arm around his shoulders.

"Hello, stranger." She winked. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming this way today? I know you're shy about our relationship, but you could have just told them, you know. You don't have to give into their teasing just for me, Eddie-boo."

All three boys gawked at her—Russell and Ling because of the fact that Ed actually had a girlfriend and Ed because of the fact that he didn't. Except now he had to pretend that this strange, hot blonde girl was his girlfriend.

So he choked. Then he recovered just enough to say, "Babe, no. I was just about to tell them. These pea-brains," he glared at them, "barely let me get a word in edgewise. Please believe me, babe."

"Of course I believe you, pretty boy." Her gaze made all coherent thoughts fly from his head. "But even if they are pea-brains, I should probably introduce myself." She tapped his nose. The buzzing feeling lingered long after the tip of her finger left it. "I'm Winry." She beamed at the other two boys. Ed's stomach twisted. He wasn't jealous, was he? He probably just ate something bad at lunch. Maybe Ling slipped something in his burger…

Ling grinned wickedly. "Lovely to meet you, Winry. How did you two meet? It must have been quite a job getting this one to agree to go out with you, what with his charming personality and all."

"Hm, how did we meet, babe? It all happened very gradually—knowing each other's faces, then knowing each other's names, then small talk here and there. Then before you know it, we were having deeper conversations as close friends, and then suddenly, we were dating! He's a real softie once you get him to open up," she said, ruffling his bangs.

"Winry!" He cleared his throat. "Babe, you don't have to tell them everything."

"Oh, man!" Russell guffawed, wiping away a tear. "This girl must have you whipped, Ed."

"Something like that," Ed muttered.

Suddenly, the train lurched and threw Winry forward, her arm around Ed's shoulders directing her course straight for his lap. They stared at each other in panic for a few moments. Then Winry laughed nervously. "Looks like I fell for you, huh, babe?"

Edward slapped his forehead. "Really? Fell for me? That's so terrible, I might break up with you just for that."

"Nah, you like me too much," Winry said, planting a kiss on his forehead.

Edward's face turned a violent shade of red. Pretty girl. Flirting. At him. Dream. It was a dream. Dreams don't have lips with that much detail. Can't look at friends. They'll laugh. Different topic. Periodic table. Periodic tables are simple. Hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium…

"Like I said," Russell smirked. "Whipped."

The subway car lurched again as the intercom announced their arrival at the stop, and Ed's arms flew to keep Winry from being thrown again. Just as quickly as he had held her close, he loosened his grip. For a moment, her eyes widened and a faint blush rose on her cheeks. She shifted on his lap.

"This is my stop. Nice meeting you guys!" Winry leaned in to whisper into Ed's ear. "I probably caused you more trouble than I solved. I'm so sorry." She offered him a half smile and slid off his lap.

His legs somehow felt bare without her weight, his arms cold without her warmth. How could he just let her walk away? But how could he just stalk a stranger? Fortunately, all intelligent thought had left him long ago.

"See you guys later! Better priorities have come up than messing around with you losers!"

Edward heard silence, then laughter behind him, but he kept his eyes forward as he followed Winry out into the station. Crap, what had he gotten himself into? He was such an idiot. His idiot mouth and his idiot legs had been faster than his idiot brain and he was about to be in big, big trouble with this really beautiful, really nice stranger. The doors closed behind them.

"Look, I'm really, really sorry. I don't know what got into me. I don't know why I went along with it. I don't just do this sort of thing, it just happened. If there's—" Winry cut Ed off.

"You went along with it because I started it. What were you supposed to do? If anything, it's my fault for putting you in an awkward position. It was gutsy and presumptuous and I should have just let your conversation happen. I don't exactly go around pretending to be random people's girlfriends either. Some weird gut reaction in me just...did it. I...I don't even know what to say for myself. I made you lie to your friends and now you're going to have to tell them that and...I'm. I'm so sorry." She raked her hand into her ponytail and avoided his gaze.

"Can we consider ourselves forgiven, then?"

She met his eyes with a slight laugh. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Good, so...um…are you actually single?" He sighed and mumbled, "man, I don't normally do this," and continued, "Because I'd love to take you out for real if you are." His pulse thundered through every blood vessel in his body while she opened and closed her mouth and blushed. It would be cute if his entire being wasn't vibrating waiting for her response.

"Y–yeah," she breathed.

"Gah," Ed rubbed the back of his neck. "Of course you're not single, why would you be? I mean, look at you—"

"No! No. I'm. I'm not single. I mean! I'm not in a—I don't have a boyfriend."

"Oh."

"I'd...I'd love to go out with you, Edward."

"Wow," he finally managed.

"What?" Winry smiled at him in confusion.

"I really scored big today and I don't even know how." He grinned crookedly. "Was something about my complete lack of competent speech attractive or something? Nobody just agrees to going on a date with a complete stranger. Your name is actually Winry, right?"

She laughed. "Yes, my name is actually Winry. I didn't really have a lot of time to come up with a fake name or anything. As for going out with a complete stranger… I don't know. I just know I can trust you. I figure, why not go for it? And, um. I wasn't entirely joking when I called you 'pretty boy.'" She bit her lip and smiled at her shoes.

Ed's mind blanked for what seemed the billionth time that day. "You're the—you're the pretty one!" he squawked.

"Well, then...if I'm the pretty one, can I be the one to ask you for your number?"

"What?" He wasn't sure whether he'd been shaken out of his mental fog or pushed further into it. "I mean, yes! Um, here it is." He fumbled with his phone and showed her his contact information.

"Thanks." She smiled with all the light the universe could give her. "I'll...see you soon then?"

"Are you busy right now?" Ed blurted out. "Or is taking you out to dinner too soon?"

"Oh! No, not at all. I'm kind of craving Chinese takeout, actually, if that's okay."

"Yeah. Yeah, it's totally okay. Just. One thing." Winry raised her eyebrows in accession. "Never call me 'Eddie-boo' again."

#I'm planning a follow up fic if/when I get the kick to write it~ #fma #fma fanfic #fma fic #my fic #my writing #edwin #fma modern au

[gureishi]

ok so I'm back with some smooches + cuddles and updates on my experience with another story so far!

currently 1:19am as of writing this meaning I'm on day 7 of guess who's route?? it's RAY'S!!! our fav soft self depreciating good boy <333

aiming for the good ending and just got the Ray kiss I never knew I'd been waiting for my entire life! >_< my heart breaks for saeran and all the manipulation and abuse he has been going through at the hands of everyone in his life, he said in one of the chats how his willing to let us as the MC abuse and use him as a punching bag so long as we stay by his side, and can I just say that broke me. </3

playing through Rays route does make me despise Rika more and more each time I see her very toxic and abusive interactions with Saeran. though my heart does bleed for her and what she's been through, her actions thereafter are inexcusable in my opinion. everyone in this game needs some intense therapy and HEALING in the their lives, godsakes.

ALSO RAY'S SELF DEPRECIATING. please I don't know how much more I can take of this, it hurts to see how lowly he sees himself and how he genuinely believes he has no right to think for himself because his an "airhead". Ray you are precious and you deserve the world, please stop tormenting yourself like this!

also I love how Saeyoung is able to see when Saeran as the other hacker's mannerisms change. also love how he cares and worries for the MC whenever she brings up her concerns for the other hacker, instead of being cynical and distrusting. also I would love if Saeyoung was romanceable in this AS time period instead pls I love him, and his still the loml in this game!!!

and I honestly feel so terrible for V, his literally carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders trying to protect everyone. and this is what further confuses me about his behavior in Saerans after ending, I'm only on day 7 so maybe his character does really develop to the point his at in the AE but it's just jarring to see how V is in Rays route and then to kinda have that switch in the AE. I really am in need of understanding of his character change pls, idc about spoilers (already have everything in AS spoiled for myself T_T)

also dark emo and "lame" yoosung needs some love and affection too! someond take care of that bby pls!!!!

also somebody give jaehee a break, she's literally working the ENTIRE day and finishing off at midnight??? cmon

also Saejoong (if that's how you spell it cos idc) Choi can go stick his head where the sun don't shine, STAY AWAY FROM TOMATO BOY PLS GOD.

at this point I'm just waiting for suit to show up, and it's honestly making me anxious, heard the game gets a bit tough to get through when he comes in..

well anyways those are my useless thoughts while playing through this, thanks for reading!! also here's your cuddles and smooches for reading through all this crap :333 <333

Smoothes and cuddles????!!!? You're spoiling me! I send back many many kisses and hugs to youuuu.

OH SO YOU'RE ON DAY EIGHT NOW HUH. AHAHAHA. AHHHHH. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW THIS GOES FOR YOU. I don't know what timezone you're in but uhhhhh just get ready ahhhh.

I totally wish we could be with Saeyoung in this timeline too. I mean, like, I wrote a whole fic about it. He just is so good and so sad and so shattered and so deserving of love.

And I have quite a lot of thoughts on V in the AE! The thing is that V loves us in this timeline. He loves us a lot. And by the end of the route, he's really broken. Like, he's spent his whole life believing that he's not deserving of love; he's sought out people who will need him, because he's convinced himself that that's the only way he can escape from his own mind. You are the first person who makes him believe that he deserves more than that—and without you, he has nowhere to turn. He stays with Rika because he doesn't know what else to do—because she's the only person who's made him feel like he has a purpose in life—because he's convinced that allowing himself to wither away for the sake of someone else is the only option for him.

It's not your fault for choosing Ray, of course. It's never your fault that V suffers—but oh, he does suffer. He's broken and empty. He's in the dark and he can't see a way out.

Now, I do believe that it's possible for him to recover after the events of the AE. I think with time—and therapy—and some distance from his previous life—he has the potential to find himself again in this ending. I think there's hope for him (I really do)—but still: it's so hard to watch him fall apart.

Thank you so much for keeping me updated, my dear! I simply cannot wait to hear how you feel about day eight.

#asks #caitlynnstrashhole #playthrough

[migleefulmoments]

I'm from SC and to be fair, it's the Palmetto state. I'd feel like it'd be pretty easy to act like SC palms are LA palms. It's so weird to me that they use her as a source, nothing she says can be backed up or validated? Doesn't she claim to be a PR insider, or something like that? Why would she live on the opposite coast, in SC of all places

That’s an interesting tidbit-something I hadn’t considered.

No, her posts were never backed up with proof- she never provided enough information to make it possible to vet her posts. Here are a few from the last week of March 29-31, 2017.  These are literally all the post that she wrote for that period- aka this is the the information her followers were getting except for a thread about Ben that I left out and the reblogs.  

Nomie party (X)

You did????? When? Was I annoyingly perky or in professional mode??

That’s freaking awesome. We must have lunch.

Didn’t post the ask cause that was too many details on that party. 😂😂 already been in trouble thanks.

Glad I’m not the only one that thought he is an ass.

Anonymous asked:

You are gloating aren't you?

Who me? I would never……😇😇😇😇😇

Yeah okay maybe a little. 😈😈😈😈😈

Anonymous asked:

Just being nosey...what are you gloating about?

I might have overheard some of the highlights to a certain article and had mentioned them. The nomie didn’t believe me. 😁 guess they do now.

Anonymous asked:

Thoughts on the recent posts of the sock acct?

She seems like she has had a meltdown. Maybe she is high? Honestly not being funny here.

She is all over the place. One minute she is deleting. One minute saying his Fandom is over, another saying let’s be friends and nice to everyone no matter the ships, then next raging at everybody. Deleting even her favorite responders comment’s…

All this while insisting she isn’t able to be online. 😑😑

Anonymous asked:

You have overheard the lea's article??

More like… at the right party at the right time.

Anonymous asked:

I wonder where m is? And what's happening in the next couple days.

Couldnt tell you.

I mean in in La and in hollywood right now working. (Well not today I had a free day)

we hear different things here. Pr talk is a bit different here. Its kind of like…. everyone knows stuff. But it different than what or wants you to know. So I couldn’t even begin to answer what GA folks are being fed.

Anonymous asked:

You have overheard the lea's article??

More like… at the right party at the right time.

Anonymous asked:

When did you see them out? Details

Can’t really say where I was as it included what I was doing and with whom. But it was here after the first of the year

****************************************************************

These are typical posts she would make about her personal life- cryptic, over-the-top and full of BS. She claimed at the time that she was staying at the home of some uber-wealthy guy who was letting her stay there with the roomies and she had permission to take his BMW anytime she wanted- but she never did-she took Uber and posted about her favorite Uber driver.  She claimed she was an working actress and model for Fenty among other companies. She had an IG which was full of Fashion Nova posts where she called herself an actress, model and influencer.    

La chronicles day… I think I just live here now.

Feeling better yeah!!!!

On the list of things I never thought I’d say with such enthusiasm..

“I fought the housekeeper and won!!”

Aka I made dinner and it is full of veggies.

Because apparently some men don’t understand that I’m not 99% muscle

😑😑😑 they are acting like I demanded they be drawn and quartered. Eat the damn veggies you big babies.

Side note, you know that heifer glared at me, sighed and mumbled under her breath that I would mess up her kitchen. Bite me lady.

la life

eat the damn veggies

veggies won't kill you

Legit conversation that happened at lunch

Background. Met the rookmies 😄😄 (this just tickles me) for a late lunch before my shoot. As I’m sitting at the table waiting for them… cue ego tripping hetero male who apparently thought he was gods gift to manhood. (I didn’t get the memo) . He will hence forth be called male chauvinist jackass or Mcj for short …….

Mcj: hi babe, how you doing… Me: 😐 Mcj: I said hi babe how’s you?….

Me: I heard you I was just waiting for you to say hi miss or hello ma'am or something.   Mcj: whatever. This seat taken (as he sits down)

Fill in pointless small talk. Me mostly using one word answers.

Me: yes actually Mcj: whatever so I was thinking, you me dinner then maybe head back to my place, watch a movie….

Me: no thank you. Mcj: babe, come on now, don’t you know who I am? Me: no, should I?

Mcj: why yeah I’m on tv. Me: so? I’ve been on tv and will be again.. your point?

Cue more pointless small talk me just nodding. At some point the rookies show up and are headed over to the table. And I point them out.

Mcj: look so I’m doing you a solid, you can go far being attached to me, so ditch the gay boy band. and let’s go.

This mofo actually pulls out my chair and takes my arm.

………

So what did I learn this evening?

1). 5 inches wedge heels apparently hurt like a bitch on ones instep.   2). Apparently some dudes think this is cute. 3). Don’t piss off the gay boy band, any one of them can kick your butt and not break a sweat.   4 ). Telling a woman to get a real job after I mention why I was busy that evening is probably not the way to get a date. 5) all of the above behavior is not the way to get a date.

I’ve totally summed this up. But for the first time I was able to project anger in photos 😂😂😂 usually I have problems going there lol.

la life

some dudes are idiots

So break in the shoot for some entertainment.

Overheard conversation

“Sandra…. sandra. Bring the butt pads.”

“The lifters or the volume?”

“She has lift, bring the volume” Then heard mumbled “ she’s black… how does she have a white chick ass? She has boobs for days but no ass.”

Then… you realize sandra is walking towards yours truly.

Well ya can thank my German ancestors for that one. Don’t blame me the stylist put me in this maxi dress.

Oy vey………

la life

I'm not bad I'm drawn that way

La premorning gameshow

When your sitting in hair and makeup, wondering if you think they think you can breathe through osmosis.

Omfg. Could you have picked a tighter pair of jeans?

I’m not exactly sitting … more like reclining with style.

FYI deserts before the sun comes up… are cold as heck. Holy crap. 😜😜😜

Ugh. La chronicles .. . time to catch up .

Paying for those two days off. Make up time. Shoot before the Crack of dawn (and i do mean before the crack of dawn) and one this evening.

la life

Busy busy.

Okay soooooooko Goes from cold to….. let’s melt you skin off. 😂

On the plus side. Done til 5pm and I get to do it all over again.

Beach side this time whooo hooo.

[rainbowglittr]

Senior Year: Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"How many times do you think she's going to flip her weave?" I asked Kiara. We were walking to class "with" Tyler and the she-devil. They were ahead of us in their own little world of weave flipping and exaggerated facial expressions.

"Maybe 50 most likely 30 if we're lucky." We both rolled our eyes.

"How long have you liked Tyler?" Kiara asked.

"Hahaha cute. Since......never!" I laughed. " What would make you think that?"

"Um, the way you look at him like he's the last piece of cheesecake in the world. The way you look at Mariah like she's the one who took the last piece of cheesecake."

"I do not! That's not jealousy! That's pure hatred! You need to get your eyes checked." I scoffed.

"Don't you dare lie! I know you do! You hate Mariah 98% because she's a terrible person, and 2% because she's with Tyler and you wish it was you!"

"Um, not true. What is true is that I do like Tyler as a FRIEND, a BROTHER! I don't like that she's with him because he deserves better. Isn't that obvious?"

"That you like him, yes.To people that know you, yes. To people who don't know you, yes."

"I dont know what you're talking about but I do have a class to go to."

"Don't pretend like you don't know. You know you like him."

"I DO NOT LIKE HIM!!!!!!!!!" I shouted. A couple people turned around, luckily Tyler and Mariah were still in their own world.

"See what you do?"

"No. You're in denial, you're in denial!"

"Nope!!!!!"

"Whatever."

"Whatever."

"I'm not even giving up until you admit it."

"Guess you'll spend the rest of your life doing this, then. As much as I'd like to further debate the matter I have a class good day now!" I said running into the class just as the bell rang.

"YOU'LL ADMIT IT EVENTUALLY!!!!"

"NOPE!!!" I yelled back. I made my way to my seat. And unfortunately looked up just in time to watch as Tyler and Mariah kiss. Yuck. He walked in and sat down next to me.

"Hey budddddyyyyy." He said.

"Hi."

"Wow please contain your enthusiasm, it's getting to be too much!"

"I'm in math class, I have no enthusiasm."

"Well then, Ms. RayOfSunshine!"

"I feel like you want something from me....."

"Indeed I do. I'm in some serious shit."

"Aren't you always?"

"That's beside the point. Anyway, Mariah is expecting an amazing date tonight and I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do." He said. I had to fight the urge to roll my eyes. I REALLY can't stand her.

"Give her an amazing date? I don't know what you want from me."

"Please please help meeeeee. She will kill me if it's not perfect! Come on you're a female, she's a female. You have to have some type of idea." He gave me his stupidly cute hopeful grin.

"Fine, what does she like? What did you do for your last date and did she like it?" I said sighing.

"We went shopping and she loved it and she likes shopping." Again I tried not to roll my eyes, of course she liked shopping, of course.

"Well where did you-"

"Attention Class! Take out your worksheets from last night we are going to go over them right now, please." Said our teacher Ms. Rosenstein. I went to go pull out my homework that I probably did completely wrong and when I looked up at my desk Tyler had passed me a note.

"Really Ty? Really? How desperate are you?"

"VERY!"

I rolled my eyes and scribbled on the paper.

where did you take her last time?

Some mall she wanted to go to. she mentioned some other mall today shore hills or something.

I read it then started to think. He's an idiot it's Short Hills Mall and super expensive.

How much money do you have? I wrote and passed it back.

I don't know enough I hope like 150. I Can borrow some from my brother

Borrow some from your brother take her to SHORT HILLS MALL then take her to one of their "casual restaurants" then BOOM you got a date. P.s.it's Hella expensive!!!!!!! :-)

I wrote and passed it back. Then turned my attention back to math. We we're doing some crazy x over y divide by the radical ridiculousness. Tyler tapped me

"Thank you I love you so much!" He whispered with his hand on my shoulder."

"I know you do. I am me afterall."

"Seriously thanks you're a lifesaver! You're amazing."

I smiled and said "You're not too bad yourself, Ty."

We went back to x over y divide by the radical crap.

_//////////////////////-

Thirty minutes later as soon as the bell rang guess who I saw? If you guessed phony and annoying weave flipper then you guessed right.

"Oh sweetie there you arrrrreeeee!" Her annoying PHONY high pitched voice screeched. I didn't even try to stop my eyes from rolling, I swear her voice make me want to stab my ears out.

"Hey baby. You're looking hot today." More like basic I thought. She really wasn't that cute. She was a couple inches shorter than Tyler who is 6'0. She had very light mocha brown skin. And her weave was dark brown at the roots and slowly turned blonde. I won't lie she was pretty but there wasn't much to her other than that.

"Oh thanks baby. How's my hair?"

"Great."

"Just great? I thought it was at least gorgeous."

"I hate to interrupt the love fest going on here but are we going to lunch or?" I said.

"Oh Jaleia, there you go again, still here. How about YOU walk away and we'll catch up, yeah?" Said Mariah.

"Yeah, I'm not in kindergarten so no need to talk to me like I am. I'll be at lunch. Bye Tyler. BYE Mariah." I said walking away. She makes sick. Like puke, vomit, and bodily fluids. I started walking to the cafeteria, I stopped at my locker. Once I got there I stood at the front of our table. Mariah and Tyler had already gotten there Mariah was sitting in my seat but I ignored her.

"Sup." Said Tyler who was the first to notice my presence.

"Hey Ty." I said. I cleared my throat and spoke in a loud voice.

"Attention table of mis amigos. My birthday is in one week shortly before the dance. This has been your warning."

"I think we all got the text reminder and other not subtle hints." Said Kiara.

"That means I'm doing my job and you will never forget my birthday!" I replied.

"That's cute that you have to remind your friends to remember your birthday. You'd think that they would care enough to remember, but I guess not." Said Mariah. She fake smiled at me.

I smiled back and said "That's cute that you think that you have friends or that they'd care about your birthday."

She glared at me and I have her my "bring it beeyotch" look. She looked at Tyler with puppy dog eyes and whined "she's being rude to me again, baby."

"I thought they taught people to stop whining in like kindergarten but I guess not." I said to Kiara.

"Jaleia that was so uncalled for, can we just be nice for once?" Said Tyler.

"I was telling the truth, number one. Number two, I didn't start anything. If you can't handle the heat stay out the kitchen." I said.

"Seriously!" Said Tyler.

"Watch it pretty boy" I said.

"So where's Jesse?" asked Robyn.

"He's writing said he got inspired and had to write it down right away." Said Tyler. Jesse was super musically  talented. He played five instruments, sang, wrote songs. He wants to work in the music business one day. I hadn't heard many of his songs but the ones I have heard were pretty deep. He likes to be alone when he writes, he even has special pens and notebooks for songs and he hardly lets anyone see them.

"Can't wait to hear it." Said Kiara. Mariah's face turned bitter for a moment.

"Well it's nice to get a break from people every once and a while" she said. She didn't like him because he was one of the only guys who weren't impressed by her looks. And didn't try to hide it.

"So when do we get our break from you?" Robyn asked.

Mariah laughed and said "You're so funny!"

"That wasn't a joke but okay." Robyn said. I started laughing. Mariah was glaring at me.

The bell rang and we all got up to leave.

"Bye peeps!" I said. We all split in different directions. Except for me and Tyler, we both had the same gym period.

"Can you try to be nicer Mariah she didn't feel like you like her?" He said.

That's because I don't.

"Yeah well I'm trying, sometimes she does not make it easy." I said.

"I know she is kinda over the top but she's really sweet when you get to know her,I promise."

I doubt that Tyler, I really do.

"I'll give her a chance, okay?"I said.

"Thanks."

"Whatever."

//////////////////////////

Later that night before I went to take a nap my phone vibrated.

I Looked at the screen.

Text From TylerBaeRules:

Great idea she loved it. Thanx :-)

Something panged in my chest as I read those words. I was glad it went well, I really was. I just wished that Tyler realized how terrible she really is and that he would be with someone else better. I don't know why she bugs me so much but she does. Everyone thinks it's because I'm in love with Tyler but that's not true at all. I've managed to get along with all of his past girlfriends. Sure I might be a little disappointed that Mariah takes up most of his time so we don't have time to hang out like we used to but its not because I'm in love with him. Its because he's my best friend and I kinda miss spending time with him. I sighed and flopped on my bed.

Text To TylerBaeRules:

no prob. Anytime, glad you had a great time! :-)

Text From TylerBaeRules:

G2g at her house ;-)

Text To TylerBaeRules:

Eww.....bye!

Text From TylerBaeRules:

Prude! Don't be mad......

Text To TylerBaeRules:

YOU ARE DISGUSTING!!!!!!!! :-[

He didnt respond. Two seconds later I got another text.

Text From KiaraBestie:

I know you like him.

Text To: KiaraBestie

What's in the past is in the past.

#black writers #writer on tumblr #writer #writing #my writing #blackgirlmagic #black love #teen #young #young adult #wattpad #high school #fiction #friendship #friends