#i feel so ashamed ive been listening to the same two songs on repeat the whole WEEK

[chesterprotector]

listening to french rap and moroccan pop while scrolling down the byler tag is… something else

#byler #i feel so ashamed ive been listening to the same two songs on repeat the whole WEEK

[dykeceit]

janus' playlist not-really-analysis just me screaming

so first of all this whole playlist absolutely SLAPS, its the first side playlist that's just my taste and it doesnt surprise me that it's janus' bc of course it is i am absolutely 100% more attracted to him now somehow,

im absolutely not okay and this isn't gonna be articulate in any way but i. have to.

1. black hole sun

???hes sad?? apparently its about depression with some sexy snake metaphors....maybe hes just sad in general or he misses virgil. also postmodern jukebox hell yeah

2. it seemed the better way

this feels like it could be about patton or like thinking one thing and then realizing its not true ig could be that w society in general or people...him developing his trust issues possibly "i better hold my tongue, i better take my place" or like oh the other sides hate me ig ill be a villain then...

3. anywhere

janus sanders says fuck capitalism!

4. talking at the same time

eat the rich,,,virgil left me:(

5. all the good girls go to hell

he's needed and the others are starting to realize it. hes quite smug abt it "my turn to ignore ya, don't say i didn't warn ya" damn right boy

6. denial

he blasted this song after svs while crying "please don't turn the light out, i don't think the conversation's over" he had to wait almost a year but he finally got to continue that conversation,, "i know where you'd wanna go, oh i do, but do you?"

7. trust in me

i mean yeah sexxy snake moment right here

8. razzle dazzle

so obviously its just his aesthetic tm but the lyrics...are the jabs at roman or himself, perhaps both? i never took him to be very insecure but that's a possibility

9. when the chips are down

basically his speech about society in svs and how he doesn't want thomas to be disadvantaged in it

10. mandy goes to med school

uhhh yeah who knows there's a bit of a i know what im doing jk vibe going on and Doing Harm but the thing itself is necessary to Have yknow right to abortions its just theyre not legal so hes doing them illegally and apparently two ppl died from them so not great,,"my partner brian" at the end made me think of remus tbh "hes a nice man, thoroughly reliable, he's in a rock band" kinda gives off the vibe of eh yeah hes totally reliable lmao dw tho, so basically what im taking from this is dukeceit is canon thanks for coming to my ted talk

11. i put a spell on you

i mean its definetely his Vibes but idk if its @ anyone specifically...could be virgil, could be roman, maybe thomas himself...its a vengeful kinda song, hes like fuck you you're listening to me now im done you treating me like shit

12. evil night together

so aside from this being an extremely hot song its def dukeceit vibes as in they'd both like it but the hero part as others have pointed out is giving out major roceit vibes and thomas and co know this those bastards

13. cabaret: don't tell mama

im assuming this is more of a..this is what he likes to listen to plus its about secrecy which is his thing but i guess "mama" could be someone in particular as well, and/or he could be singing it to someone in particular...

14. you're a cad

bruh. first of i loved this song already secondly iM SORRY THOMAS WHAT ARE YOY IMPLYING HERE like first i was like this isn't abt Him right that wouldn't make sense so is it about...virgil...well ofc it is bruh what the fuck bro....im loving this bc its casting virgil in an unsympathetic light and i love that shit but also its revealing janus still Feels quite a lot for him and idk how to feel abt this i. the part of me that still loves anxceit is screaming and the part of me that hates virgil is also screaming they haven't stopped for a minute-

15. as far as i can see

so dukeceit vibes possibly virgil reference since he "went down the staircase" to his spot,,so basically he and remus maybe virgil and orange too like pushing ppl down the stairs bc they feel unheard

16. criminal

this is where the angst train rly starts choo choo....so. who is he singing about here. my god i want it to be roman so bad but it Could be virgil...which would imply he thinks he's wronged him somehow which would mean virgil has a more valid reason to dislike him and I Don't Like That. but whoever hes singing about is clearly important to him... "he's all i knew of love" bro....that's just screaming virgil right i dont like it op...basically he feels guilty for smth and to be "redeemed". he clearly doesn't need redemption from his canon actions so far, and he hasn't acted like he regrets any of them, which is making me think its abt smth in his past buut maybe he does feel bad for manipulating roman now bc he realized how hurt roman was and thats what i wanna believe it's about ok roceit rights except roman youre a bitch apologise

17. change

this made me fucking lose it bro im still losing it ive lost it. he's not okay and neither am i....bro i didnt think he'd be so....insecure but....i mean all of them seem to be so...but yeah this song is very,,,i have trust issues and im learning to love again vibes and i am crying while my wig is being ripped cruelly from my head....i choose to interpret this as less like ive been bad uwu i can change and be good now and more as ive been too afraid to care bc im so aware of the harm it can do to me but i realized its worth it so im trying now....and i think that's beautiful

18. devil in the details

hes telling thomas to Just Do It. he "made amends in the general sense" but "the devil's in the details" and he "knows the cause" and "wants to stop" but he "just can't do it". this seems kinda like more virgil angsty times for me or maybe the cause is just him being...him and just being well i cant stop being my function so...but he sees it as The Reason theres still animosity even if hes "made amends".

19. come little children

first i was like bruh its a bop but y is it here. but the lyrics are basically repeating how horrible the world is, "murdering beauty and passion", and the singer doesnt have to be killing or kidnapping the kids maybe its just a friendly fae helping some abused kids yknow you never know...basically fae!janus confirmed i know you have connections with them thomas i know you do

20. into the unknown

i like that this is short it kinda feels like hes coming to say okay im done bye after this whole musical that is his playlist. i am ashamed to say im not familiar w the plot of over the garden wall but someone said smth abt killing kids. well yknow how it is sometimes...but yeah very sexy, very fae, i will stan forever etc.

#janus sanders #deceit sanders #roceit #dukeceit #sanders sides #idk bro im losing it #i love him and his music taste #basically all the songs are hot

[famedroleplayarchive]

HAN JIHAE, better know as JIHAN, is the MAKNAE, MAIN VOCAL, AND LEAD DANCER of ORIGIN under GOLD STAR MEDIA. He was born on OCTOBER 28, 1997. He looks a little like NA JAEMIN OF NCT.

CHARACTER INFORMATION

faceclaim: Na Jaemin, member of NCT

legal name: Han Jihae

stage name: Jihan

pronouns: he/they

birth date: October 28, 1997

hometown: Zurich, Switzerland

position: maknae, main vocal & lead dancer of Origin

claims: ACTING – Seok Hansung in Hwarang (2016-2017) – Hwang Woojoo in SKY Castle (2018-2019) – Jung Seyeon in True Beauty (2020-2021) OST – It’s Definitely You, Hwarang (2016-2017) – How Do You Do, True Beauty (2020-2021)

BIOGRAPHY

triggers: injury (i.) , bullying, eating disorder / bulimia (vi.)

i.

The story starts with scraped knees and a sprained ankle. Han Jihae is seven and this is the fifth time in the last five months their mother has to bring them to the doctor’s office.

An injury is a temporary thing. Their hunger for the world, however, is not and no amount of split lips and aching bones, no pattern of bruises is enough to signal them that it is time to stop. It’s not like they beg for trouble, trouble just happens to be the natural consequence of wandering off the beaten path in the woods, trouble comes when you poke the proverbial hornet’s nest to see what happens. Trouble finds you when you refuse to step back without an answer when the world tells you no.

Jiyong waits back home perched on the windowsill, swaddled in blankets—at six, they share the same face and the same voice and the same charming smile, even if Jiyong is weak and tired where Jihae isn’t.

“I’ll bring you the world,” Jihae vows and presses their newest finding, a smooth, speckled pebble into the palm of Jiyong’s hand. “Just you wait.”

ii.

There is only so much a worried parent can take, watching their offspring run from one pitfall into the next. “Too much energy and no direction,” that’s what their kindergarten teacher says. “He means well, he just doesn’t know how to go about things.” It’s a kind way to put the forceful ways they learn to stand up for others. The road to hell is paved by good intentions, after all.

“Maybe it’s time we find you two a hobby,” Mama suggests, her voice cheerily saccharine. “Maybe,” Jiyong amends. “Try me,” Jihae challenges.

They last six months, until a dance studio opens two streets away and all of the neighbourhood kids are starting classes. Jiyong can’t go, Jiyong is sick and shivering and sleeping his fever off on Papa’s lap.

“Go anyway, Jihae,” Mama tells them softly and pets their hair. “He’d be upset if you missed out on the fun.” “It’s not going to be fun,” they push back vehemently. “It’s never going to be real fun without Jiyong.”

They go. And they dance. And they fall in love.

iii.

Summers in Seoul have always been sweltering and humid, the air heavy and thick with smog. They’re worse in the shoddy dance studio where Jihae’s older cousin Sunhee practices with her dance crew, but right now it’s summer break they’re one member short and Jiyong’s gentle assurance that Jihae can dance, that they’re good still rings in their ears when they shuffle a little closer to the rest.

Jihae feels lonely in the room, a skinny child just shy of twelve standing between a pack of teens. It lasts until they start practice and things fall into place. No one at home ever listens to K-pop, Mama and Papa both grew up abroad themselves already and Swiss radio rarely ever plays anything without English lyrics.

The songs they dance to this afternoon are different, come with choreography and bright and flashy music videos and Jihae and Jiyong stay up late that night, Sunhee squished between them and going through her favourite songs.

“We’re not seriously busking,” Sunhee tells the man with the business card. “We’re just playing around.” Her body feels warm and firm when Jihae hides behind it. “That’s okay,” the man says and crouches down in an attempt to get a better look at them. “How old are you?” “He doesn’t speak Korean–” “Eleven.” Jihae doesn’t mean to disobey Sunhee. But they’ve been asked a question and it’d be rude not to answer, wouldn’t it? “Eleven is a good age,” the man says and hands them a card. “Have you ever wanted to be a star, kid?”

Even Mama knows who Bang Sunyoung is. Papa looks less impressed. “It’d be just to try it out!” Jihae repeats what the man in Hongdae told them. “You’re starting sixth grade back home in two weeks,” Papa points out. “Honey, I didn’t even know Bang Sunyoung has her own company–” “Can we do this later, dear?” “– Sorry.” Jihae frowns up at their father. “Sunhee says it’s because I did well,” they add. “I have no doubt you did. But it’s not this as easy as that, Jihae.”

They throw the business card in the bin that evening, frustrated and angry and humiliated. Come morning, they find it on their clothes from the day before, dog-eared and a little creased. “Try again,” Jiyong’s handwriting tells them.

iv.

It takes the better part of a semester and the promise to bring back top grades and not to fight their teachers for Jihae’s parents to start looking into Gold Star auditions and schools in Seoul. Sunhee’s mother, auntie Hyunjoo, offers them her guest bedroom for Jihae to stay in.

“And if things go bad you come back home right away, yes?” Mama tells them. Worry looks strange on her face. Jihae doesn’t like it.

“Yes, mama,” they tell her, watching the lines in her face fade hesitantly.

Things won’t go bad, they think to themselves, I won’t let them.

v.

Things first go really well and then they go really bad.

Han Jihae is thirteen when they start training under Gold Star Media, all knobby elbows and bruised legs, slowly starting to grow in what one day will be their adult body. Training is excruciating. The coaches don’t care about how much homework they have. Their Korean is more bare bones than they thought it would be. The dorms are cramped and true privacy is a rare luxury. They miss their parents, they miss Jiyong, they miss their youngest sibling, little Jiyeon who is still just six and might forget about them before they even get to debut.

They want to give up.

“But isn’t this what you worked so hard for?” Jiyong asks through the phone. Jihae can’t recall ever hearing their twin brother so heartbroken.

“Well, I want to give up,” they tell him with so much fake bravado, they almost buy it themselves. “Doesn’t mean I’m going to.”

Singing, turns out, is nicer than dancing. Singing is something Jihae is naturally good at, something that is comfortable and fun. When dancing takes their breath it’s through singing that they learn to take it back.

Soon, more than a dancer, Han Jihae turns into a singer.

vi.

Being picked on is infuriating. Being picked on knowing that fighting back isn’t an option—not if they want to avoid future bullying scandals—is excruciating. Jihae is used to being othered but up to this point giving his bullies hell in return has always been a possibility.

Instead, they learn to redirect their anger. Eat your frustrations, purge in embarrassment. Brush their teeth lest they want to lose them, hide the traces lest they want to look like you’re asking for pity. Rinse, repeat. Toe the line of breaking, this is a punishment, this is a reminder that they’re still in control. Their justifications start blurring and contradicting themselves.

They pretend not to see, close their eyes and ignore how every time catharsis slips a little faster through the cracks in their armour, leaving them hungry and hollow and ashamed.

Unexpectedly, it’s the trainee selections for Who’s Next that break the cycle. Being on television is stressful in a way different from what they’re used to so far but the attention they receive reignites their excitement. Their former “coping methods” no longer work and put their voice at risk instead and so they’re left in front of a camera, hands wringing behind their back hoping no one can tell how scared they actually are.

And it pays off. Team A wins and Jihae establishes a base level of affection for being the darling youngest, mischievous and radiant. It’s an act, the person Jihae would like to be so desperately, but it’s okay. They can still grow into their wings as they go, right?

vii.

Turns out that it’s not quite that easy. Debuting is stressful and what follows is the weight of knowing that they’re currently underperforming, their concept just a smidge too niche to really catch on. The anger returns, flaring and all-consuming and this time there’s no more room to purge it so instead, they start bottling it up.

The person Jihae crafts into their public persona seems to become more distant with every comeback and they’re tired to the bone when Origin’s success finally finds them. All they can do is to let the wave sweep them along and gasp for half a breath before they throw themselves back into pretending.

Turns out that pretending for a living—actually so, past the faking of an idolsona—is actually a lot of fun. Their first acting gig they’re offered in late 2016, more a matter of making sure Origin remains fresh in everyone’s perception by shoving them down the public’s throat than anything else, really. Jihae is just around the right age for the role and that’s what everyone else assumes too, that Origin’s sudden spike in fame has made the members, specifically, cocky, that they have no place taking trained actors’ spaces, that they have no value to contribute to South Korea’s acting sphere. Hwarang doesn’t return the money it’s supposed to, either, but to Jihae it’s an opportunity to put on a wig and a fancy costume and pretend not to be themselves for a while and as long as the cameras are running the experience is liberating.

They don’t do as badly as expected and even after an underperforming acting debut they’re approached about an audition again later down the line. It’s while on set for SKY Castle that they realize that in their supporting roles, neither Hwarang nor this opportunity really rest much of their success on Jihae’s shoulders specifically. The responsibility they take on feels lighter when the pressure is split amongst a cast so much bigger than Origin and no amount of vile comments can take that budding sense of relief away from them.

When they’re first approached about their appearance in True Beauty they don’t anticipate for it to be their tipping point. It’s pride that ultimately makes them accept the role in spite of the reminders of what it entails and it’s pride that leaves them feeling horribly afterwards. Their performance seemingly hits the mark—Jihae wouldn’t know, they never end up watching the show air. But it becomes an unpleasant reminder that they’re not as well-equipped to cope as they like to pretend they are.

viii.

Han Jihae is twenty-three and the world is at their feet. Maybe not theirs specifically, but close enough. The beginning of the new decade marks a shift in pace, a gentle lean into something that feels a little more manageable at last. Maybe they’ve finally started to grow used to the life they wanted and weren’t prepared for, maybe it’s the beginning of the end because apparently if fame doesn’t breed misery it’s not truly fame—who knows.

Whatever it may be, for the first time in eleven years Jihae can finally turn around to look at the one thing they’ve neglected the most: themselves. They don’t quite know what to make of the jagged edges where things have broken and splintered or how to patch the holes they’ve burnt into themselves but for the first time in a long while they feel ready to learn how to heal.

#fmdfollow #goldstarmedia #origin

[nottebuio3006]

There is a loneliness I now feel that I have not felt in years, possibly since my teenage years. If Rebecca is really gone for good then I am in total shock, and disbelief. To be left in this unspoken, silent way -- to be literally abandoned by someone who I was not even romantically involved with --- is such a mind fuck, that I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of pure loss. I have actually been checking the obituaries because of how unfathomable this seems. I found out some distant 90 year old relative of mine I haven’t seen in years was dead. I never check the obituaries -- I’m 28 years old -- but I was checking them now because, well, of how little sense this makes. Yes I suppose I could just get a ride to Rebecca’s house, and knock on the door, and se if she is there, but ....the fear level of doing that is actually almost maddening. It has essentially reached a space now where, if this really is not just a simple “ghosting” but something more, I’m not sure I want to know what has happened. I’ve expressed this before: the fear now revolves around the idea that something truly ghastly and unspeakable has happened toher. Something shameful. Like her baby daaddy came through and cut off half her lip or something with a switchblade, or he paralyzed her, or he paralyzed one of the kids, or he broke her hands, et cetera et cetera. Basically I’m afraid that she’s purposely withholding something very scary from me. It makes some sense to think because she has done it before--- plenty of times. Often because I would find certain things she told me so maddening and so depressing that she would feel responsible for “torching my day”. Like when she told me about how the baby daddy punched her in the face, gave her a black eye, and ripped out clumps of her hair. That ruined my week, not just my day. I was angry about it forever. So she said “I knew I shouldn’t have told you.” Is it therfore something like this that is happening now? Something she is too afraid to tell me so she is hiding from me. But couldn’t you at least send a fucking email saying goodbye if thats the case?? To just give me closure?? Though I suppose maybe she also doesn’t want to say goodbye. .... Whatever the case, this is hands down the worst experience, or at least one of the worst experiences,  I have had in at least 10 years time, as I am saying, It’s gotten to the point where, quite frankly, and I suppose I knew this from the get-go, but even if Rebecca does return, whatever we had prior to all of this weirdness, has just been completely burnt down. I can never really trust her again after this. I can never look at her the same way. I will now always have to eternally live with this beyond weird, annoying, and scary week she has put me through. A week that now seems as though it’s going to extend staright into another slow and agonizing week. A week where not a single fucking answer has come, and where I just keep dwelling, and getting more and more aggravated, frustrated, et cetera. I just want it to END. I just want to find out if she blocked me so I can feel Ok to write her off and call her an asshole, talk shit about her, and move on. I have an entire library of, like, a hundred good songs I can listen to on repeat, for when that moment comes. I will not have all that hard of a time getting over her if that sort of thing should come. Truth be told, from where I am sitting now, that sotr of typical blocking looks easy as fuck to get over right now. I mean, it generally was easy for me to get ove that style of angry and obvious blocking.I’ve done it a milion times. This is widlly different, however.   The problem now, which I keep stresing, is that, since I can’t be absolutely sure she’s just some asshole who blocked me, I can’t talk shit, so I can’t really get anywhere. I’m paralyzed by the absolute mystery of this. I don’t want to talk shit and move on from someone who isn’t blocking me , after all, and is instead just hiding something really sad/depressing/horrible from me. I don’t want to find out two weeks from now that I was sitting here saying good riddance to someone whose now a quadropelegic or some weird shit, or to someone whose got a dead kid on their hands. I said it yesterday: what if one of her kids ran out into the street, and was hit by a car? Or fell down the stairs? What if something happened to one of her kids??? The dog chewed off half the kids face? I know it sounds despicable to even write and I don’t want to fucking write it. But if something like that happened---maybe she wouldn’t want to talk?? Maybe she would be so freaked out she would just be sitting in pure solitude? At some hospital? I can easily imagine that.I can easily imagine she somehow found out the kid got some hospital test back and he’s got a fatal disease and willbe dead within a year. Who the fuck wants to sit texting with someone about that? Or even talking? Nobody, in my opinion. They’d wanna be alone. Hence a total random cut off.  So, you see, there is this INCREDIBLE dilemma. Eventually if this goes on for long enough I keep thinking I will have no choice but to show up there & knock & see. But even if this goes on for months I don’t think I’ll do that. I am prety much positive that I’ll never actually show up. Even if I ask someone for a ride there, I’ll get all the way to her street and then pass her house and I won’t stop. I’ll have em turn around. I would never be able to get out of the car and walk to that fucking green door and knock. No way. Just imagining her father awkwardly coming to the door and being all “Rebecca ...doesn’t wanna see you. Sorry. Bye.” would be too fucking strange. I think I’m going to take the other option: The fade out. Shes taking it, even if something bad has happened she is still taking it, so I have to try and take it too. I have to let the mystery wash over me and accept it, I guess. I have to let her go either way, whether its just a blocking or a tragedy . I have to just let it all fade out as it was the night she left me. Whatever she might be living now is , it’s almost like it’s just not for me to know. Whatever new awful chapter she is possiblyl iving, I’m not a character in it. She’s hopefully still living and moved onto season 7 of her television show now, and I got cut off as a character, randomly, in the season 6 finale. My character exited the show with no explanation, everyone on the Internet was wondering whY I wasn’t there, in the season 7 premiere, and they’re all speculating. “He’s gotta show up eventually again, no? I mean, he was a fucking main character for the past 4 seasons now!!” But nope. I’m just no where to be found. My contract wasn;t renewed. I have been switched off and put away. No new lines are being written for me. M ycharacter is just plunged into darkness and forgotten. Nothing. And as for her show, it has now descended into some sort of terrifying hospital horror drama. It’s now about how she’s the momma to a quadropelegic. Or maybe she is one herself. It’s all about how she now has to live with a scar on her face, or with a pair of hands or something that her baby daddy lit on fire. I am literally envisioning her as some sort of cripple crawling around the house , him just viciously beating her.I’m imainging her in that little bathroom they have where everything is always in disarray and her kids clothes and her clothes everywhere....& I can see her staring into the mirror at sme, like, half destroyed Harvey Dent face. Shes just sitting there weeping. Shes wishing so badly that she could call me. But she’s not beautiful anymore. Her baby daddy lit her on fire, he stabbed her, he punched her so bad he broke half the bones in her face, so shes too ashamed to call. “Gaetano can’t see me this way. He just can’t. I can’t let Gaetano see me this way.”

#poetry #sad prose #short stories #domestic abuse #relationship problems #love affairs #cheating #wife #husband #marriage #romance stories #romeo and juliet #momma