#i feel i've lost everything that made me 'myself'

[poppies]

2023 was the worst year of my life. not sure what's to come or where to start but i know things have to change, i have to fix things somehow

#i haven't been very active online #last june i experienced something traumatic and i'm stuck in an environment in which i cannot heal #plus chronic pain has inhibited my life to a devastating degree #so all i've done these past months is sink further and further into a sadness and emptiness and pain i can't describe #it's scary to look in the mirror at somebody entirely unrecognizable. i feel hollow and devoid of any traits #i feel i've lost everything that made me 'myself' #lost my family. lost my health. lost myself. lost all the things i cared about once #i don't think i can ever return to the person i was before. so i have no option but to start anew #i need to stop being so terribly nostalgic for the things i can never get back #i can't keep clinging onto broken shards #honestly i know deep down that holding on to the hurt has never served me. and i doubt it ever will #but i'm scared to let go. scared of what will take its place. scared of what i'll find. #i don't think i can heal here #so i'm just enduring. but it's scary how time keeps passing. i've been so dissociated and none of this feels real #i feel so hopelessly lost and trapped and behind. i'm 23 now but it feels so wrong #✩

[lunarharp]

into the deep end - 30k T orufrey fic, focusing on memory trauma, disability, and romance.

the sweet oblivion of the victim, the poisoned freedom of the other.

for one moment - it had felt like two parts returned - the needed reunion of two disparate halves. no more secrets, no more pain.

the moment you get to give back what you never wanted to take. that moment, under the night-blooming flowers, when they had both let out the same single broken sigh of relief.

but they were never whole to begin with, were they?

qifrey swore he wouldn't say 'sorry' to this man any more if he could help it - sorry is cheap now. he didn't want to be in a position ever again where you only have 'sorry' left. so he just looks down into the threads of his blanket, strains his eye until it hurts, feeling his insides - his throat, heart and head - burn with pain. he expects more, but olly says nothing.

olly says nothing.

#witch hat tag #orufrey #sorry i wanted to make a new post for my fic since the first illustration is new. #*stands in the middle of a desolate field in the pouring rain* Please Read My Tale...Blease..Oh god please..*collapses to the ground* #someone asked if there's spoilers in it. Um...yes. Sorry...it's about everything #maybe i should describe it more? it's about qifrey becoming more and more disabled - as i feel is his canon trajectory #and both of them processing the choices that have been made. it was necessary for me to explore this in order to fully understand orufrey #and for them to have the cathartic conclusion-that's why this is important to me for my witch hat fanwork making life. this connects it all #and having dived into qifrey's mind and lived through oru's feelings i was able to get to a place that is possible for them. #the hit/kudos ratio is so pathetic idek what happened. ppl opening it realising its long and saving it for later or just bailing lmfao #idek any more i hate advertising my writing i hate trying to get more ppl to read my long fics it's so hard 🥲 #i'm so much prouder of this than my art...i was able to sink deeply into the orufrey feelings i had always wanted to fully explore #so. it's there lol.........i reread the date/kiss segment today after trying to forget about it thinking maybe the fic is just BAD lol #and like.....nope! i like it very much and this is what i was trying to get across. and it's always there to be read by anyone who wants to #and i will always remember the bliss i felt while writing when i was just lost in their world and living as them. dear GOD i love them. #i'm grateful to myself that i put in the work and love to make this so that i can always come back to it. i wanna illustrate scenes properly #but i'm never satisfied with drawing things i've written because i just can't capture the vivid experience in my mind. maybe one day.

[hxhhasmysoul]

wouldn't it be nice if the author of the fics finished them. the author is me.

#vent #for the last 4 months my life has been in stupid crisis mode #like constantly #from major ones where i had to move out for a while because it was impossible to stay where i lived #to not being able to use my kitchen for over a week #and like other more or less minor house related stuff that made it impossible for me to use something normally #not a single week without something like that or shit at work which is constantly being so fucking chaotic #and now someone died in my family #not someone very close but i liked them #and of course like feeling sad that they are gone can't be the only thing #because it has to come with the headache of i need to travel for their funeral and it's just before easter #so there's no one in this city to leave my dog with #because most of my friends either live abroad or have cats or are busy before easter.. #i'd just want a week where nothing happens #and like the writing is weighing heavy on me #because i miss it #also i wish i could finish something #i wish something good would happen that i could feel proud off #also because i'm mentally ill and fucking stupid when i was going crazy with my kitchen not working and work shit #i bought new furniture #because after 15 years i've finally had enough money to buy some that aren't fucking black and inconvenient and ugly #which is like a huge project and a crisis i brought onto myself #just because i was too burnt out to write #and i wanted something nice to happen to me #like a nice living space that doesn't make feel like i have no ownership over it because everything in it was some else's choice #and that old furniture was bought by my mother and my brother ages ago and it's handmedowns #and my fucking horrible mother feels personally slighted that i want to get rid of a bed that is broken #because my brother's kids jumped on it regularly when they used to visit pre covid #yeah it's been broken that long because i lost all my savings during covid and had to change careers to a souless pointless corpo job #long pathetic whine and overshare over

[silenthillbunni]

❄️🐇❕

#i feel like im going insane and tonight it's esp bad so i need to.... vent :$ #some time ago i had the fortune of a very very wonderful person entering my life. and since day one BOOM i think of them every single day #im not even exaggerating.. like every single day i just think and daydream of them. i've had sm extra inabiloty to focus - #bc i just need to constantly stop and think of them..... #there is so much abt them to adore and admire. so much!!!! i didnt know someone like them could exist.. #i love talking to them and i just wanna kno everything there is to know abt them!!! everything regarding interests me #there's also the aspect of how i feel talking to them. i know they dont judge the same way as other ppl do so it's easier to talk to them #tho i still have avpd so i often start over explaining myself and get insecure etc etc. i need to get out of my head!!!! #idk.. idk... it has never been like this for me. so im also scared #what do i do.. how do i navigate this? i've never been here before and i feel lost even if it's def not a bad place to be in #every single day... i just wish that i could be with them more and more. this wish never calms down it just gets bigger #but. how? how do i break this loop and make it into reality? is it only gonna stay as a desire and a daydream? :(( i rlly dont want that #im scared too. bc what if i want and can make it my reality but it just wont happen? what if it just wont #im also not the only one in this equation that decides. what if... i have to face rejection.. what if im a disappointment. what if what if #i dont know!! i only know that i think of them all day every day. it gets more nd more intense each day. #i also get more sure that it's what i want... #anywayyyy. im actually.. driving myself insane with how obsessively i think of this #i cant quite put it into words but i had to get at least some of it off my chest #like how. do i express my feelings to them. how do i turn it into reality. how do i face that fear of the unknown and smth i've never done #but also how do i face that fear and prepare for the fact that even if i want smth dreams made into reality cant be certain. #there r so many life things that decide what happens too.... not just my will and desire #but as well as.. how do i prqepare myself to deal with the potential oh whoops maybe im the only one who rlly want this. #maybe this is onesided maybe my feelings just flew out of control nd idk how to reel them back in whoops. #like i dont know at all what could happen.. all i know is what i wish.. hmm gosh this is all just making my head spin every day.

[marshmallowgoop]

2022 AMV Review

It's a bit late, but since I do yearly writing reviews, I thought it might be fun to do AMV reviews, now that I've started seriously editing with DaVinci Resolve.

This video collects a piece of every AMV I posted last year, from my very first Resolve AMV to the one I made right before my previous laptop broke completely. If I continue this in the future, I think I'd limit it to Top 10 or one per month, but since I only have 10 Resolve AMVs under my belt right now, it felt right to include all of them!

One of my biggest struggles with video editing—and with Creating in general—is doing Too Much, going way overboard and making things worse with the additional time and effort. It's a real struggle to cut back, but I think I'm slowly learning to limit my clip amount to make my videos (slightly) easier on the eyes.

But all that said, I've always admired AMVs but never felt like I could actually make them, so that I uploaded 10 in 2022 is amazing to me! I'm excited to start editing some more on my new laptop!

#ah heck i'll actually post this why not #i'm maybe feeling a little sad because my project files for all of these might be lost forever... #i got my c drive out of my old laptop (where the files should have been stored) and attached it to another motherboard #then i should have copied everything off of it to my external drive but... i couldn't find the 'resolve projects' folder #where it was supposed to be was just 'empty folder' #maybe i'll try to get a reader for the drive (it's no longer attached to that motherboard) and take a closer look but gosh it kills me :'( #still... very proud of myself for putting in all the time and effort to learn things on davinci resolve! #i really really love video editing (even if it takes *forever* and i average maybe 20 hours a vid) #i hope my new laptop handles it well! it has a much better graphics card and was silly expensive so... fingers crossed aha #i'd do so many things differently now but the heiji fancam is still the most important thing i've ever made #detective conan #video #eye strain

[smalllonelyegg]

so tired of the everything :(((

#I've like. Never felt more alone #I feel myself drifting further and further from the people I do talk to #The things that make me happy are either kept from me or clearly made conditional #As if I'm a goddamn child #And everything transition related whenever it disappears everyone is like #Uh well I dunno have you asked someone else maybe you JUST FUCKING LOST IT #I can't get myself to do goddamn anything #My former therapist has been trying to no avail to get me to re-register for a php but I haven't been able to get myself to reach out #I haven't contacted a doctor #The times I could interact with people I want to i can't because I'm sick or some other fucking bullshit #My moms desperately trying to pray the gay outta me #And my dad doesn't want me going back to college so it looks like this is gonna continue for fucking ever #I'd really just rather #Stop l #I've had enough I just need a break #cw: suicidal thoughts #cw: suicide #cw: suicidal ideation #Sorry just ignore this #I'm not actually gonna do anything ill probably be fine tomorrow

[yououghtaknow]

ben platt was so right when he said (to paraphrase) your heart can break so much that it breaks open and lets love in. that's 2023 to me baby.

#experienced Real grief and heartbreak for the first time in my life #lived alone for most of the year and really Grew Up because of it #lost the three people i was closest with and lost the person i became for them to love me (which is a good thing) #learned a lot about art and life and myself and what it means to Be Alive. #was this year objectively bad for me??? look at all my personal posts honey. #but i feel like i've Grown so much and i'm really proud of myself not Despite everything that happened but because of it #i'm not ashamed to have loved and made choices and to have been wrong about So Many Things!!! i am so young and always learning!!! #i feel like Myself for the first time in Years. and for the first time since i can remember i genuinely feel Fine. #a lot of things are bad and i have bad days (today was one of them) but!!! i am hopeful and i am Determined to survive and be happy. #i do not have to be great!!! i do not have to be good!!! i simply have to be and that is enough!!! #one thing i said this year that haunts me is when the person i was in love with told me i was being silly for having a panic attack #and i responded with 'why should i feel silly for experiencing true emotion?'. and that's just really guided me since i said it. #ANYWAYS. insane year for me. this time last year i was madly in love and denying So Much and this year i am Accepting and loving what i have #this has been the return of isaac's insane personal posts. which are happening So Much Less due to the healing but hey!! we ball!! #i love you friends who live in my phone <3 if you're still reading happy new year and may you find whatever you're searching for <3

[kkujo]

also idk i feel so fucking good abt myself idk genuinely being consistent with my gym routine has done everything for my mental health and confidence like i still feel bad abt myself sometimes but for the first time since i was probably 9 i'm having days where i look in the mirror and thinking DAMN i look good and those days are getting more frequent it's really the best feeling

#and it's not just the weight loss like. being overweight was such a struggle for me esp bc i've had issues w eds and stuff and. #idk it made me miserable. and i wasn't the healthiest bc i'd gained a lot due to pcos and my periods were irregular etc like it wasn't good #and now i'm medicated and fuck man my period is regular now and my weight is more normal and i just feel like. good abt that #bc i spent so long being unable to lose bc of my hormones and it was so disheartening bc i was doing everything 'right' #i feel a little bad talking abt it bc ik it's a sensitive topic and i have had issues w eds i obv don't think weighing less makes u healthy #etc etc. for me it was the healthy thing to lose what i've lost so i'm proud of that and i did all of that mostly without relapsing #over 2 years and i've had like. maybe a month of relapse total over that time and each time i've come out of it after a week or two #so i'm definitely stronger mentally etc BUT. my point is. the confidence hasn't come from trying to be smaller #and now i'm actively trying to build muscle and for the first time ever my confidence comes from looking BIGGER bc i want muscle growth etc #the confidence truly comes from within and when i was overweight i started to give myself that confidence #by starting to wear cute clothes and stop hiding my body #it is so true that losing weight won't make you like yourself or your body. #like. you can lose weight if you want but you HAVE to respect yourself first. i lost a lot of weight unhealthily in 2019 and regained it #& bc i did it out of self hatred i NEVER felt better abt myself when i got smaller. you rlly have to be able to love yourself as you are rn #it's cliche but very very true #anyway i don't rlly talk abt this stuff on here bc ik it's a sensitive topic but!!! #i really would recommend weightlifting and strength training if you wanna feel more confident #ik it won't work for everyone but for me it's genuinely transformed the way i see myself. #i no longer try to force myself to be as small as possible. and for me that's everything yk #ALSO LIKE. THE MENTAL HEALTH ASPECTS. just having the routine and getting exercise and getting out every day rlly helps too #i really would recommend it i've never felt better or more confident abt myself #the only thing is unfortunately and it's a very real problem but gym/gym bro culture often leans v close to e/d culture #it really sucks bc a lot of gym folks genuinely do love it and are very healthy with it #but the chicken and rice gym bro types are pretty rampant too and there's a LOT of dysmorphia and such in the community #so i kind of avoid gym bro circles for that reason bc i do think a lot of people take it too far and are very mentally unhealthy with it #but weightlifting/going gym in itself isn't the problem and if you're eating properly & taking care of yourself it's not gonna be like that #it's just knowing the types of ppl to avoid bc a lot of the mindset is pretty toxic 😭😭 but there are def a lot of ppl who do it healthily #like. i understand why people do it but i'm kind of against bulking/cutting at least for myself #bc for me it's not abt looking as strong as possible it's abt being fit and healthy physically & mentally if i look buff asf that's a bonus #but a lot of ppl take bulks/cuts too far & a lot of it is just regurgitated e/d shit unfortunately. just b careful who you interact with

[saph-yells-into-the-void]

did I pull a all-nighter binging the entirety of Blue Flag in one sitting? Yes, yes I did.

Do I regret it? Nope, not in the slightest.

#its so so good y'all #yes I got like 3-4 hours of sleep but it was completely worth it #just... so much emotions #this manga made me cry. multiple times #not because it's super sad or anything but because God fuck some of those panels hit me a little too hard #just... so much about the queer experience and queer pain and what it means to feel lost bc of your identity... #it was just all so intimate and relatable and as a queer person- I SAW myself in some of these characters #fuck bro #like I just wanted them all to be HAPPY #bc queer people deserve happiness #the ending was a bit rushed yeah #but everything else was just so masterfully done and the impact of this manga on me was just so strong #that I'll be damned if I don't give this masterpiece a 10/10 #I don't think I've related so much to a manga as much as this one #so yeah #just thoughts ig #blue flag

[starryarles]

i kind of,, almost ghosted him

#a lot of words but a tldr is i feel like I'm holding him back in life #not even in any particular way #but it feels like a gamble if we'll ever actually see each other #i wanna be hopeful and think 'yeah; I'll get the money and then I'll just go and see him' but i have abt 20% of the money 2 months after - #-i started saving #plane tickets are expensive and my country is poor #he offers to pay for it but there is literally no way to get the money to me #I'm slowly distancing myself from him in my head #because I've almost sort of completely lost hope #he has a school thing he needs to do #and he said 'what if i meet someone there' #and that broke me #cause it's putting a hypothetical person as a higher priority than me #if i don't have the money by the time he goes to the thing I'm going to ghost him #or I'm going to wait until he goes to bed; and then send him my reasoning and block him on everything before he wakes up #i know that would hurt him a lot #but I'm scared of his reaction to me not having the money after so long #it feels like I've been leading him on for nothing #so when he starts the thing i don't want to be holding him back in the case that he 'finds someone' #when he said that it genuinely made me cry for days and i still feel a pit in my stomach #he's young and i don't want to hold him back

[yousaytomato]

It's actually kind of uniquely awful, to have horrible medical anxiety, and to make the terrifying decision for the first time since you were a young child, that you're sick enough to need help, only to find out that there's actually no help available laugh out loud

#woes of emily #still not convinced im not potentially very ill #but. phoning them made me want to die today and got me nowhere #so i guess i have no choice but to get better #and. obviously I'm not actually mad at one person #i don't actually blame anyone but myself really but #damn idk #I've been sick a lot this year #and everytime I've felt so stupid for not arranging to see a doctor #and the fact that i tried to do that today even #is really a testament to how bad it is #onky to feel even more lost and alone and stupid. when literally they were not able to help at all #i just got myself worked up and produced zero outcome #if it's worse in the morning i guess i go to the walk in centre but that's even more scary #and also 3+ miles away #and i just. i need a break #from everything #idk #idk if I'm depressed or just getting regular illness blues

[lunarharp]

lazy scribbling of my baldur's gate 3 characters

#*emerges from 430 HOURS of life-changing playtime blearily like a lost and confused kitten* #i lost my interest in drawing bc everything is too sad & horrible right now. it was a luxury and privilege to lose myself in this instead #what follows will be my personal and trivial emotions about that #i'll do better proper drawings later. for me. they are both so very dear to me... deeply dear...unforgettable journeys of fate #truly have played like one possessed for the past few weeks. you have no idea. what do i do now. what do i do. #their personalities are so vivid to me though they mostly made the same choices. both intersex and they/them - canonically <3 #i missed out on FOUR PARTY MEMBERS in my first playthrough due to not understanding anything whatsoever. #gloaming ended up with wyll and pavane romanced karlach and astarion. and ended up with the one i did NOT plan on. this wasnt the plan #one of the most fulfilling romance paths i've ever..i cant say more..it all got too immersive and now i have to just.. MOVE ON ?????????? #live in THIS world where i can't gut imperialism personally and emerge alive from that? #without Long Resting? without my character requesting a kiss from their beloved after a tough day ?? #without preparing my little spells? without channelling divinity from my death god to keep us all alive? #without dyeing my man's clothes fancy colours for him? without him Approving whenever i lie and double-cross our enemies #without sharing clothes with my ex? without choosing to eat the heavy food first so that the weight is easier on her Carrying Capacity? #without orchestrating ways for all of my friends to kill the abusers that ruined their lives for a decade or even 200 years? #without experiencing degrading horrors on a daily basis but in a cathartic way where we always make it back to our rooms at the inn #WITHOUT SPEAK WITH ANIMALS??????????? #at least there's music. just like with persona 5 that will always be with me. always #like how p5 melodies take me back to those feelings. those rich and personal feelings.... BUT THIS WAS A WAY MORE NUTS EXPERIENCE #i thought i would hate it. i did at times. thought it would desensitise me to various things. it did. but there was so much more..it was... #Well anyway *continues my life* imagine if dnd was real..something to think about

[musical-chick-13]

.

#personal Vent™ incoming: #I don't like...miss Her™. exactly. #but I miss having someone who genuinely made an effort to understand me. who made that effort because they WANTED to understand me #and mostly I just miss being like. close to someone. there was a level of emotional intimacy and trust and closeness that I #just haven't ever had with anyone else. even if there are people who have technically known me better or Got™ me more #and I miss having that I miss having a person who brought out all of these parts of myself that I didn't think I had and I miss believing #that maybe everything was going to be okay and all of that is gone now and it's better that I don't see her anymore genuinely it is #but. oh god I lost so much. I lost so much and I feel that loss so acutely just. all the time. and I like I said I don't miss HER because #there's too much hurt and bad blood there now but I miss all the things that I lost and I want them back I want my time and my effort and my #love back and I don't know if it will ever even be possible to find those things again and even if it IS possible what's the point #I'm just. I should be over this by now I should have processed everything and moved on with my life and stopped feeling sad about everything #and I've tried EVERYTHING that it is possible to try but this feeling of loss and loneliness and sadness and grief? I guess? you can grieve #a relationship even if the person isn't dead right? all of those feelings are still fucking here and I'm so tired like I just want to #be a person again. because I don't really know what I feel like now. #In the Vents #personal #idk somebody send me like. asks/messages about music or unhinged fictional women or something.

[new-lorien-artist]

Very tempting to just drop the whole 13yearsoflorien project, quit art and writing for like a couple years, get into the daily grind of work, exercise, eat and sleep, then hop back on LL Tumblr only to depress myself because everything I ever knew is gone now

#it's the dead of night so technically i shouldn't be trusting my late night thoughts #dear god though if i must vent #i don't know if it was my own enthusiasm or the fandom having people to talk to that made it fun for me for a while #but i certainly lost my enthusiasm in general and have become terribly snippy in the last several months #I'm angry and tired and frustrated all the time and it bled into the way i interact with people #which is to say #i rarely talk and i force myself to be uplifting and happy and super encouraging #for others' sake or mine i cannot tell #i have so much anger because everything is so boring to me now #I've kept myself holed in this fandom and stopped growing in my media and literature intake #my growth as an artist and writer #and my social skills in general #i sacrificed a lot just to get that feeling of happiness and satisfaction back #and this 13yearsoflorien project was a one last shot to get things rolling #i know it's only been two months #but I'm exhausting myself to the bone and it hardly feels like the pay off will be worth jt #especially when I've stunted my growth so hard #and everything i make is coming out subpar when i know i could do better #ernest talks

[rememberingpunday]

I high-key miss being surrounded by friends, love, and support 🙃

#I've lived here for a year and haven’t made a single friend lol #it's really making my bpd symptoms more difficult to manage bc I relied so much on support of friends #the only person that ive been able to talk to for an entire year is my partner #i love him very much #but I miss having big fun group conversations and board game nights and performing together and dynamic relationships #work is miserable bc I really believe in what I'm doing and love being able to support the at-risk youth that need me #but everyone I work with refuses to listen to me or respect me and I'm getting frustrated #idk i can't even sleep bc I'm running through work in my head to try and make everything run as smoothly as possible #and when I'm there I'm dismissed and talked down to #if it weren't for the kids I would say fuck 'em all #but I want to be there for them #i can't help but feel worthless and inherently unlikeable #I started typing to distract myself bc I lost it bc even my cats don't want to be around me lol #i can't wait for the next chapter of my life bc this ain't it fam #and it never has been #im so alone #i wish I could cease to exist w/o my partner having to deal with having to pay for everything and ig being heartbroken #i just don't feel like it's worth it #which is ironic bc I tell kids all day long that it is #y'all don't even know the shit ive been through just to still be where I am and not have made any progress #in fact I would say i'm regressing #lmao I can't type anymore #personal

[cosmiicfairy]

🗑

#the way that this wedding has made me feel so absolutely awful about myself today lol #i spent 8 hours in a chair getting my hair cut and colored yesterday and all i see when i look at myself #is makeup on a fat pig. #i hate myself so much for what I've let happen to my body. i was doing so good exercising and eating right and now I've gained 30 pounds #back from the 50 i lost and i just #no dresses will fit me. none have arrived despite the 3 separate ones I've ordered #and i feel so dysphoric #all i want to do is take a knife to all the fat and rup it all off. like slicing meat #i want to cut off every part of myself and melt it down into a different body #i hate everything about myself and i just. don't want to exist #self harm // #vent // #self mutilation //