#i dont want to get into my friends interests. im tired of doing that

[picorimori]

this time of the year is bad

#got traumatized in october. had a total of 12 hours before i had to go be a person again and ignore it #i feel like my dad thought i was overreacting. you are much bigger than me and i have my brother to care for #i am now. terrified of strangers and going outside #more than before #my concentration is not working #i start art one month and finish it 3 months later but its nothing special #this is art for Me. i cant even do anything for me #i cant get any time alone i cant draw when people are around #i hate drawing on my phone #i hate drawing on my pc because the brain says thats where hw is done #thats where my mom gives me several new forms to print #you cannot fast travel when there are enemies around #it is so so stupid but my friend is playing a game his other friend recommended and not what i recommend #and it happens a lot and im upset about it like a little bitch lmao #my sister makes fun of my interests. usually without heat but i need to experience things with people #i dont want to get into my friends interests. im tired of doing that #i dont want to share my interests they wont like them #i am so so so terrified of getting into new things because what if something bad happens #i was friends with someone bad up until 2020 #and now im terrified of making new friends. and terrified of people sexualizing my oc lmao #its all so funny. every little thing piles up. alone none of this matters #my mom keeps trying to get me to decorate for the holidays. bro fuck the holidays #she literally threatened me because i wouldn’t put up the tree in November #shes not working cause shes sick so i have to spend the next 4 days around her #i cant do ANYTHING when she’s around #YOU CANNOT FAST TRAVEL WHEN THERE ARE ENEMIES AROUND!!!!!! #im so fuckinb tired. i shouldn’t be this tired #i spend all my energy surviving and i dont even do much

[figofswords]

the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something

#WHAT AM I DOING!!!! #i get up i go to my stupid retail job i stick labels on bags they pay me fucking thirteen bucks an hour i come home i lie on the couch #too tired to draw in too much pain to go anywhere no energy to reach out to college friends to do anything fun #no idea where the even start with getting an industry job no clue what i even WANT at this point #trying to remember what i loved so much about comics i want it BACK i HATE this #WHAT IS THE POINT!!!! WHAT DO I WANT WHERE AM I GOING!!! WHAT COMES NEXT!!!!!! #there's no clear career trajectory i can't do freelance i need structure i can't work too much i need free time #my brain doesn't work every job requires me to move across the country the irs just took fucking three hundred stupid dollars from me #my friends live in different states i can't get a job without experience i can't get experience without a job #i can't work on my portfolio with no energy and no time and i dont have any money and everything is so expensive all the time #i can't get anywhere bc i dont drive and im too stressed to think about taking driving lessons again #and WHAT DO I WANT! #THE MOST INTERESTING THING I DO EVERY WEEK IS GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY! #I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!! #anyway WHATEVER i need to go to bed #delete later #i got into spx. today. so. had to have a crisis about how i felt when i attended spx (energized. excited. a part of something. ambitious) #versus how i feel now (tired. unmotivated. kind of apathetic about art. disconnected) #i dont miss the stress of school but i miss being around other artists. ppl who speak your language and who want the same things you want #ppl who are excited abut art and that makes YOU excited about art. ppl who get you #i miss that i want that back #whatever. its 1am i gotta go shower i have an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow. wahoo. $13.50/hr lets go

[skitskatdacat63]

.

#I wish you could send people a survey every month #like 'do you still like me' 'are you growing tired of me' 'am i too annoying' #i feel like deep down i know my friends like me #but i get wound up so often just questioning every interaction #and over analyzing it till it makes me feel ill #you can have a convo and it wont be the best most perfect convo in the world every time #yeah thats how it works! #but i start overthinking every thing and its so hard to rationalize myself #EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO REASON TO THINK THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE #god i hate this #i wish i could remove the ability of self introspection #why must i question every interaction and run in circles making myself think im living in some world where i am hated and disgust people #ah man being alone at home is not good for me #i dont hate to be alone but i have too much time to think and its very dangerous #its bad bcs like i dont want to question people #like if i found out a friend thought i was losing interest in them id be so sad! #but it's impossible to think from the other perspective #instead i just start making conspiracy theories to myself abt how i am detested actually #sry i think i go on this rant every month #im lonely :( #catie.rambling.txt

[yinyangle]

im gonna be honest i dont understand rtumblr (lore and the fact i find rping very very difficult) but yall r having fun and i support u all

#i have tried dnd with friends and i quite literally cant be anyone other than myself #<- the campaigns i was in have continued without me simply because i was always late due to time zones #and once i did wake up it sessions were either complete or in full swing so i had. no idea what was happening and was too tired to read #i want to play dnd it seems so fun but i literally dont like it #is this autism #probably #i also used to do rps with friends (seperate of dnd) and they were always so. boring #i just cant get into rp or worldbuilding or making my own lore. its just not fun to me #i like consuming other peoples lore! #like in games! but i cant make my own #no point in doing it if theres no passion #all 3 of my ocs are just characters i barely draw #n e way #uhh #this was a long ramble?! in tags!?!? #i find writing very boring unless im super interested #and doing that with other people is unpredictable and not fun #I LIKE WATCHING OTHERS DO IT I JUST CANT DO IT MYSELF #ok i better wrap this up no way someone is reading all this lol #yang posts

[the-most-sublime-fool]

I got a job in my field but I had to turn it down because they simply weren't offering enough money. It's beyond insulting to be offered minimum wage when I have a master's degree and relevant work experience.

#i hate it here #they were also like #overtime is expected in this role #fuck that #yeah maybe i'll regret this down the road but i have to at least try to find something better #if i have to give up on working in this industry then so be it. i'm tired. i have rent to pay. i have student loans. #i don't have the option of moving back in with my parents or having my parents pay my bills #which is what all of my friends in my program are doing! literally everyone i know! #this industry is broken & like every 2 weeks theres some new thinkpiece about how to attract minorities to this incredibly white industry #hmmm they just dont seem to be interested what are we supposed to do #PAY THEM. PAY US. #im a white cis immigrant w/o rich parents and that alone is enough to put me at a disadvantage and leave me unable to accept job offers #that simply aren't paying a living wage. #i don't really know what I'm going to do. keep looking i guess. #i'll probably also apply for jobs outside this field. i guess it was stupid to get a degree in it but fuck me i guess #for wanting to do something i love and not predicting massive inflation and skyrocketing rent costs #meanwhile wages in my field have actually gone down ~3% #it's not sustainable. i don't know what to say. #end rant i guess #sorry if you read this

[astrxealis]

sometimes (often) i think about the characters i kin or relate to and then the realization comes in again and again that i need therapy (/lh?)

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #unfortunately i doubt i will ever get therapy bcs i have this. thing. idk. but i believe in myself to just rely on myself? #and yeah i uhh can go on more about that BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS sorry i suck at explaining things. anyways #humans. interesting. i am fascinated by humans and myself and i'm tired of typing now GOODBYE anyways xiv music is so fucking good #and also idk how to interact w others sorry ..... i am scared of getting close to people bcs everyone i've grown close to has ended up #leaving me or i mess up! but tbh it's better now i think and also not as bad as i think but sorry i still have bad issues with. that #me saying i don't want to type anymore and then proceed to rapidly type out so many words oopsies #pls just do not PERCEIVE ME !! unless you want to ig but idk why you'd want to do that uhm #yk i like tumblr most out of all social medias bcs it feels like i can... sort of just be my weird self here! and it's not fully nice #and i still have anxiety problems and overthinking problems and whatnot which is evident by my 100+ notifs i havent checked since #christmas but that's not the point (?) idk whats the point honestly uhhhh nvm (??) #OH I LOVE FF SO MUCH tbh it's w/o a doubt still my favorite series ever but drake/nier is also up there for sure #which i think is amazing bcs i have yet to finish a game. and ive only like played idk 5 hours of replicant and automata #and then ive already spoiled myself on important aspects of all games but that helps ngl uh. i could explain but im tired of typing #ANYWAYS GOD actually noehgjbsejhbghjes i really suck w interacting w others i really wish i were better at all that #im not super introverted or shy im just kinda awkward and anxious but im a fun person and all and idk #and tbh its interesting thinking abt my personality... some parts of me havnt changed at all from a bit (/pos) like my lively. aspect of my #personality !! i was a bundle of energy and a little annoying (perhaps unintentionally but now i think its a bit more on purpose lol) #but the only person who really sees my true self is me. and the closest to that is lune. but even i dont know who i really am #and yeah... wnvr im like woa ill make more friends !! and then when i have the opportunities i suddenly dont care anymore IT SUCKS #anyways i think i have Opportunities now again so lets see haha ?? at least uhh in school. its like 2nd sem and i dont rlly have friends #as usual haha that sounds so sad help BUT its not like im disliked im just rlly quiet and shy at school..... throwback to 7th grade tho #that was rlly the worst but also now is just as bad in a diff sense but back then i cldnt talk w my crush at ALL i didnt speak at all im so #sorry about that HELPPP I RLLY JUST CLDNT SPEAK anyways moving on in my class rn i do have a group of sorts. like #we're grpmates wnvr theres grpworks and we can pick which is nice! ive been classmates w em all b4 and theyre the cool kids #but in the more fandom sense and one used to be a close friend of my twin and of mine too by extent and then the other was someone #who knew me when i was more extroverted so yeah uhhh anyways #OKAY ALMOST MAX TAGS im DONE rambling. bye. hopefully. bye. oh god

[isabelguerra]

i dont have an actual name for it but depressed college au is probably one of my favorites. i dont really care for the adults in paranatural and thinking about how the activity club/others might grow up and continue their lives is so much more interesting to me

#i started reading this comic when i was 15? i think? and now im recently 23. i cant really say i relate or want to relate to 12 year olds an #y more. and yeah i prefer a lot more nuance and complexity when crafting+ reading stories #but when your protags are 12. well. yeah pass #pnats adults are fine but the kids are the ones i have any actual emotional interest or compulsion towards #so when i write something that might be less 'yippee whimsical wacky adventures' and the options are spender and zarei. again theyre fine bu #t i dont really care enough about spender and zarei #but i still want to write about adults you know. BEING 12 was hard enough you could not PAY me to go back into that headspace #honestly thats actually why most of wizard au takes place in their later school years #like you know those aged up mob psycho 100 aus. where mob is like a fireman and ritsu is an english major and theyre not exactly having epic #adventures anymore but theyre coming into themselves etc. god. thats the stuff 2 me #i used to hate aged up aus as a teenager bc i thought it was the author/artists excuse to put kids in weird situations. and idk considering #it was 2015. yeah fair. but i do think i get it now. teenage years are hard and theres a certain part of that hardness that i love. things #like growing up [from a 17yo perspective] and people you love going to college and trying to find yourself and dealing w friends and fear #for the future. THOSE are the kind of teen stories i like reading about. but when you start getting tired and mellowing out and things that #come with the end of college and grad school and growing up [from a 22yos perspective] is similar. but its more somber. youre older now #when the protagonists become people. thats what i like #wizard au is fun as a huge intense magical adventure project but depressed college au is just like. where i can project. #drinking an entire pack of mikes hard lemonade by myself and lying on the floor talking to friends about how im scared and pushing myself #towards a career that i love but dont know i can achieve. friends leaving. getting an apartment for the first time. and the second and #the third. that feels better when i can sit down and go 'okay. someday isabel will do this too. i might not understand. my friends might not #understand. nobody could understand and i could be alone. but max woke up with a hangover today and i know what that feels like' etc #idk just feels better. taking your favorite characters with you while you go through things. by which i mean #'taking my favorite characters and making them go through things' #you want them to be safe and happy and having fun. i want them to feel fear. we both know what we want from fiction and treasure each #depressed college au

[pubby-paws]

It's another post where I whine in the tags sorry

#personal #im really struggling with finding anything fun to do #i dont have an interest in sex but im still on an insecurity timer with it #so it's particularly noticeable that i dont want it like i normally do #im running out of stuff to do in final fantasy and i dont have friends to play with me #no other video games or activities interest me #being awake feels pointless so if i get even a little sleepytired i fall asleep #which is ruining my sleep schedule #i feel like everyone is sick of my shit because im sick of my shit #the sleepytired and the lack of pleasure is controlling my life and i dont know how to fix it #i kind of want to willingly commit myself so i can get help but i can't do that because it would be too expensive #i dont want to die but im so tired of feeling like this and it feels like it's never going to end

[toastsnaffler]

love typing out a long ass explanation and then deleting it. my 5 year plan is to stop pissing everyone off all the time for being so autistic + become a true idgafer so I can attain peace 😌

#like at the end of the day it doesnt rly matter. its over now so who cares how i felt abt it. well i mean i do but thats irrelevant #its just too complicated to explain myself and no one is interested in understanding anyway #if theyd rather rely on their own assumptions + make decisions on my behalf instead of actually talking to me. well thats their problem #whatever pretense makes them feel better. im tired of trying to be honest like all that vulnerability and for what #sorry this comes off harsh. ik ppl are usually well intentioned even if theyre so consistently wrong #but maybe its ok bc the good intent was there. i dont need everybody in the world to understand me #and yeah like if i want to feel close to ppl then that understanding is important for me bc i need to feel seen + safe to feel loved #but i dont think im going to get that closeness from the ppl im currently looking for it in. and the sooner i accept that the better #and im sure im caring for ppl in ways that are incompatible for them too. and thats ok just ships in the night #it doesnt mean we dont care abt each other we're still friends just on opposite boats and all the deep water inbetween #im so tired thjs isnt making sense anymore.. im going to bed the world can wait until i wake up #love u everyone sorry for losing my marbles so much lately ill find some new ones eventually #.diaries

[hakugreenfinch]

"you should absolutely go for a scholarship abroad" they dont know i spent 5 months studying abroad and during those 5 months only once did anyone that wasnt a teacher try talking to me and even she went "oh" when i said i was an international student and just. left

#hakuna matata #i had a... very weird day today. #i asked a teacher for a one on one discussion #she spent todays class talking about how we should go for a phd #and like... 'if you have a good thesis topic and your consultant endorses it and you know and are friends with every teacher etc #you should go for it!!' #which is like... cool cool. #but can i try it even if my topic is cringe my consultant barely knows what im talking about and im physically unable to talk to people? #(i asked that teacher to be my consultant because. uh. nobody else was willing or had the capacity to deal with me.) #'go study abroad its so much fun' it wasnt fun the first time. what if they send me to the wrong uni #THE WRONG TOWN AGAIN #i believe i do my best here but my spoons are limited and my interests arent high culture enough so its like im just wasting my time #i like doing this. i like being here. but nobody told me if im not super social i might as well wipe my ass with my masters degree #i did an hour long presentation on jojo and feminism. i was so excited to do it. #afterwards the only response i got was from a classmate telling me it was funny because it 'shocked the teacher' #do you even understand what im trying to do here. is everything i do a joke #i dont talk to my classmates because theyre mean and rude and they dont need me in their conversations anyway #but apparently i have to be buddies with everyone i see to get uh. a job i dont even want teaching at this uni. #i dont want to teach i dont want to talk to these people i have no idea when or how they make friends or what i want to do with my degree #im tired and frustrated and ive been crying and tearing up all day #anyway. i asked her for a one on one discussion. i need to talk to her without people that probably already make fun of me behind my back.

[interstellarbookofflowers]

happy points that may be happy points but we dont know yet (mental breakdown shutdown era)

sleepover with friends was nice! we were all wonky, both me and best friend, so at first we had a minor issue but very quickly resolved

we had thai curry for dinner (bestie makes the best curry ive ever eaten, its a comfort food at this point)

we vibed to music, bestie played the guitar and we sung sea shanties together and also labour! and we do be sounding real nice together

i made both of my friends friendship bracelets. both loved theirs, bestie asked for a specific songs, i surprised best friend with a song i thought was fitting

we joked around, talked a lot, slept in the same bed, cuddled with bestie, the usual. home

we made pancakes in the morning (or noon lol, we woke up late)

i had my silly mental breakdown and i couldnt be more grateful for both of my friends, one holding me immediately when things got awful, the other canceling plans and letting my cry in their arms

slept over at best friends place, theyve got a goofy asf dog (bro was very wary of me in the funniest way possible)

we watched goofy yt videos and also The Autism Channel (hilarious content, 10/10)

#mine #happy points #trying so desperately to salvage anything salvageable abt this weekend #im supposed to be at the office tomorrow and i have no idea how im gonna do that #we had some in depth conversation with both friends #i just let out a lot of feelings abt my situation with my family #and although bestie is right in the sense of -get disowned sooner rather than later i wouldnt get the closure i want and need #so im still rethinking what to do #i love my family despite them being literally emotionally and spiritually abusive #i dont know #so tired #on the other hand im glad best friend loved their bracelet bc i made them a who we are bracelet #its a song that goes very deep for both of us #their face and eyes when they realized its this song was priceless #we talked abt romantic feelings the next day and it was an interesting conversation #hope we can continue it someday

[be-good-to-bugs]

i will be in hell world forever and that is ok i guess

#the bin #i am resigned to my fate unfortunately #maybe its easier to believe itll be like this forever. idk. #ive been so desolate for so long and i just cant get myself out of it at this point. and there is absolutely nobody to help me #people will say when youve reached a low point like that how important it is to reach out to the people around you who care about you for #help but who is there for me to reach out to? my sister? ive tried and it didnt matter and i dont want her help anymore #honestly. theres people caring about your concept because they know you and youre family and then theres actually caring about YOU #and there isnt anybody who cames about ME they just acre about the concept of me. not even the version of me they have in ybeir head #its just routine to 'care' about me. lik3 you would anybody. but its very surface level. doesnt go beyond wishing i SEEM ok #and not wanting particular harm to come to me. but they dont care about ME. the oerson i am. i guess it makes sense cause im not close #with literally anybody. i was never even actually close to my sister. i just felt pressured to tell her private stuff about me #every time after it felt coerced tho. like i felt tricked into doing it or forced to because shes so weird about everything #ugh. her being so weird has made it so much harder to socialize with anyone else #i dont even want to ask her for transportation to places to socialize because she makes me so uncomfortable #and the only other people i have to talk to are family members who i cant talk to about it becasue shes their family too #:( ive hit a new low somehow! yay... #ugh. i dont even have online friends to talk to. i wish i did but i could never. im not interesting to talk to online at all #just like. objectively. my anxiety makes my type like the most boring person ever online and ut sucks #maybe i could try again if i used voice chat but idk. then id have to meet people. im tired of being so lonely though :( #i wanna just play minecraft or smth with some people and forget abt how sad i am for once because i havent been able to for years

[hyperexplosion]

.

#ignore like usual thank you #i am so tired i am so tired #i am fer from okay #like multiple reasons why i hate asking people to hang out its not even hate im scared to ask people to hang for many reasons #of being boring or being ditched like i get it just tell me youre not having fun i just leave or switch the game if i dont mind #or im scared of showing a show or movie i talk about it so much hopes it interest the person in wanting to see it so they ask if they dont #than thats fine same with video games #and like “what about people close to you” shocker its fhe same #i wait till my best friend to ask me that they want to watch me play the game im playing or to.hanh and play mc #im just tired of feeling unwanted and im tired of feeling unwanted even though ik im wanted its aggrevating its confusinh #i just wish i wasnt me or i wssnt boring idk #csnt wait for next year to get help i just hope i make it #i also hate when im dtresming s game and people lesve to go watch s show it hurts A lot #if you want to go do something else why did you even ask me felt bad??? #why ask me hang on my birthday when all i eanted was the day to feel special since lsst two months been fucking awful #and i was too scared to ask those that are close to hang out but i gave yall a chance snd yall fucking ditched me in call no goodbye #or anything i didnt even hear the notif #it hurts so much #and why you have to kill youself ehy ehy thid sucks this sucks so much i hate these feelings #my heart hurts so much

[iidsch]

god really loves giving his hardest battles (depression and unhealthy behaviors that feed off each other) to his weakest soldiers (me who is terribly lonely and emotionally weak)

#m #negative #im. so unbelievably tired right now #i hate being alone but i hate even more having to do the effort of going outside and talking with people i share nothing in common with + #who have no interest in becoming friends with me. just to end up so physically and emotionally exhausted that next time I have to meet up + #with someone again i dread how tired and sad and bored im going to be afterwards #i hate that im awkward and have very low social energy and yet im the one reaching out first and the one who approaches people first #and all of this for what!!! Im even lonelier than before i got depression #like just for once i wish someone would make things easier for me #lets have a conversation (a conversation!! not a monologue!!!!) about something I like and know about #lets hang out at my house or at least sit in a quiet place that doesnt involve a 30 minute ride #just for once! thats all im asking!! #i just want someone to look at me and think “thats someone i want to be friends with and im going to do the effort of approaching them” #bcs im legit tired of having to do all the work to approach ppl and lose all my energy through the proccess for literally nothing #i dont have it in me to get out of depression by myself. and if im bound to be this lonely for the rest of my life then man. idk what to do

[whisp3roftheheart]

you know what bugs me? I am not that interesting yet I have people pursuing me when I don't want anyone to!! Leave me alone!! Please! I am not that interesting I am so boring! My two favorite things are theology and the muppets/puppetry I promise I'm not very fascinating.

#eden speaks #my ex called me a brain worm! a brain worm! because she cant get me out of her head #what about me is so compelling? i am just a girl talking about complete and utter nonsense most of the time #like what is so enticing?? its literally nothing. do you want a random biblical fact? do you want me to rant about muppet treasure island? #do you want me to go on and on about scenes they took out of muppet christmas carol that provide needed context for scrooges redemption? #i just... im just not the interesting. and im so tired #for once i want to be alone and for once in my life no ones leaving me alone #the only people i want to talk to are my best friends #im sick of my ex trying to keep a conversation going between us even though our topics of convo are dead #maybe im the problem because i never know when to shut up lmao #disregard this fucking post i have brainrot #i just want to stop being perceived by the people i dont want to he perceived by #delete later

[septic-9mil]

not gonna write abt it cuz thats gay as hell and i dint want to think about all my stupid fucking bullshit in class im good no thank you uhhdbf ignrir this cuz im just gonna vent so yeah ifnore my ramblr

#I cluld change my limd later but doubt it :/ #I JUST HATE FEELINGSSSS #Liek i feel so enpty lately but o was feeling amazung yesterday #I dont get it #And im tired of feeling so alone and empty and bired all the time #Like i spent time with my friend for so long anf after i realized how hollow i felt #Cuz without being around someone to kind of remind me “yeah this is how i am when im happy cuz i NEED to seem happy around these people” i #Feelblike nothing #I dont even thibk about my interests as much anynore to a point where i got so sad about it i cried the other day #Bur when i DO have a momebt to talk sbout the things i like it feels like im forcing myself to waste skmetomes time #So it feels fake and i dont want that #I feel liek i only know who i am when sround specific people and i feel like i csnt FEEL anything evwr #I csnt feel anyrbing hnless its my nails clawing st myself hating evwrythibg ablut how ive been lately #Im so fucking dry and it hurts to read my own texts cuz i dont want snyone to think im upset ir thst i dont care #Im tired of this and i hate jt #I want to go back to getting so excited about saw or a movie where its all i think about #Or thinking about me and vals rp all day #But i dont think abt eiether anymore #Like yeah i have moments where i think abt things i like and i get hsppy but that happniness goes away so fucking fsdt man #I WANT to draw i WANT to watch the same mocie and get that rush of happiness #I DINT WANT to feel like a burden ro those around me so i surpress snything i like #Even if someone tells me they care i dont feel its true #And thsts stupid of me #I want ro be me a few months ago i wss hsppy #Im hsppy SOMETIMES now #Anr that sucks #Whatever i dont csre #First period and im almost crying lmao #Sorry for venting ig