#i dont wanna get into an accident or itll make my fears so bad ill never drive again

[soldier-poet-king]

Once again I am asking drivers on the 401 to Not Be Like That

#i live in hell. and its the toronto area. #IM SO TIRED OF THE HIGHWAY #but the transit system is SOOOOOO shitty unless you live directly downtown (cant afford that shit) #BUT EVERYONE DRIVES SO BAD. I JUST WANT TO MERGE. PLEASE LET ME MERGE #i dont wanna get into an accident or itll make my fears so bad ill never drive again #but these bitches just be out here weaving thru traffic with NO CONCERN FOR ME #uSING MY DAMN BLINKER LIKE IM SUPPOSED TO AND NOT SPEEDING #anyway #i slept very poorly (ie. barely any uninterrupted sleep) #and so i feel awake but my emotions are. hm. bad. and having a jackass in a lexus almost hit me #and then get mad at me. makes me feel REAL BAD #and emotionally. it's monday. i had yesterday off for easter. #i either need way more money to move into the city proper or preferably a job in a Not Urban Sprawl Hellscape #let me LEAVE #god. ottawa would be good. or smthn like my college town. 75-100k to half a mil. ideal size #I just. hate urban sprawl and bad infrastructure. so damn much #not to be like. WELL IN EUROPE THEY DO IT BETTER. but in terms of transit and city planning #OH YEAH THEY DO

[wonderwalnut123]

God, isnt there just a way to commit suicide quickly and painlessly without a gun? I dont own a gun and dont wanna look like a freakshow. I dont have a rope. None of my meds can I overdose on.

Look. Im tired. Im tired. Im tired of the lazy fuck i am. Im useless. I deserve to die. Even mom says it in subtext. She thinks i wont do it im just lying, to get out of stuff i dont wanna do. And shes right.

Shes a huge manipulative bitch and dangles my favorite person on a string to make me dance and i cant im paranoid around her. I never know what ill lose next or when. I cant live on anymore anyway and its all downhill from here

I cant go to school. I cant work but i have to. Cant even try to start either

Its my fault and my mom will die because im useless so if she will i might as well go too.

I cant drive i have autophobia.

MDD GAD Bipolar ADHD... more than mom has...

Every scream. Every fucking brain bottle i repressed. Every panic attack. Every cut. Every sobbing fit. But i cant say anything. So what? Rely on everyone else? My fiancee who cant handle it either? Im stuck here. Im her new mother, im her new disability check, im here to die. Even if i escaped at best id still want to die.

Final countdown. Go fuck yourself. You know who you are. And once im over my fear of the afterlife of suicide, gonna be me central. For once maybe ill get taken seriously or not ignored or all avoiding the problem of mine.

And ill be the main event, that day. Cry your eyes out then after you fucked it up. Oh no! Who will enable you and be your personal beat-em-up now?

You couldve taken me to the doctor when i obsessively wrote lists since age 3, and before i could write made my parents. I mean, it's normal a 18yr old would panic over not making a list of fruit types, right? Or when i hid and almost broke my bones to hide from my panic attacks at 7 and self harm at 9 and daily meltdowns after school from overstim. But you thought i was just a bad kid. Obsessive since infancy on a hyperfocus ride, never making friends, ruining friendships on accident. My emotions have no correlation to events but i can count on anxiety at least. Maybe you shouldve screamed or fought or blamed or scared or abandoned or manipulated or used or betrayed or forgotten or neglected or bullied or self-inserted or hurt me a little less.

Edit here. I guess i should say here that this a childish fucking rant. Please dont send in the military. Itll only make it worse.

#suicide mention #suicide tw #dont reblog #dont worry im too much of a fucking coward to do it #so ill just live like i was dead #just repress it all until i cant remember a god damn thing