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mbti-notes · 4 years

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1) Hello, Im an isfp wtih an estj mom and for a while now we are having trouble communicating. whenever i try to explain something to her that i understan better she becomes stubborn and wont believe in what i say. since she is an extroverted person she loves to socialize and complains about me not talking with her enough, but everytime we spend time together she ends up oberving me and starts mentioning every little imperfection on my face/body.

[con’t: i dont dislike her, but i am really uncomfortable with the way things are now. sometimes she likes to envade my privacy and sneaks up glances at what im watching or finds ways to sit next to me to see what im doing thinking that she is discreet. my anxiety has been pretty bad lately and i feel like im constantly being watched and walking on eggshells. i really want to know if we are compatible or not and if theres a way for us to improve these problems. i wish you have a great day💕]

There are two separate problems to address:

1) The parent-child relationship: How old are you? Are you an adult yet? This matters because, at some point, every child needs to learn how to be independent and exert their independence. If you fail to become independent, your relationship with your mom will always be unequal, and, worse, your future relationships are very likely to be unequal (immature ISFPs are often drawn to controlling or manipulative people).

When there is a power imbalance in a relationship, there will inevitably be boundary violations by the person who holds more power. Furthermore, the person with more power is unlikely to cede power until you demand to be treated as an equal, i.e., conflict is inevitable but necessary for righting the power imbalance. If you can't handle conflict maturely, your relationships are never going to get very far (immature ISFPs often develop the bad habit of running away when things get difficult).

You have to learn to stand up for yourself, to advocate for yourself, to be assertive about your beliefs and values, and to defend your boundaries when they are violated. For example, in a healthy relationship, you should not have to endure constant and pointless criticism. In a healthy relationship, you should be loved for who you are. Part of being an independent person is setting and enforcing boundaries, especially to stop any mistreatment or abuse. If you fail to do this, some people will feel free to walk all over you.

2) The legitimate personality differences: Assuming that you are both correctly typed, ISFPs and ESTJs are bound to run into conflicts due to the opposing Fi/Te and Se/Si functions.

Generally speaking, ESTJs tend to be blunt, stubborn, and overconfident in their judgments. They value their prior learning to the point that it is difficult for them to integrate new information, so they often have a hard time admitting when they are wrong. Oftentimes, the only way to convince them that you are right is to use unassailable logic or undeniable evidence, and then give them plenty of time to digest the new info. Once they’ve digested, you will find them suddenly reformed (even if they cannot openly admit defeat), but the process of convincing them is always going to be frustrating, so patience is required.

Generally speaking, ISFPs tend to be emotional creatures and often lack the ability to back up Fi judgments with unassailable Te logic, which puts them at a disadvantage in terms of persuasiveness. ESTJs do not respond well to mere emotional appeals and might even think less of you for using them, unless you successfully activate their empathy via inferior Fi. The more you fail to convince them through the debate process, the more an ESTJ will believe that they are right, so beware of your debates backfiring on you, as you don’t want her beliefs to get set in stone.

Your options? Either 1) learn better debate skills such that you are able to speak her Te language of logic and objectivity, or 2) practice Fi's "live and let live" and simply ignore her when you know that she's wrong. Your main job is to learn when a fight is worth fighting. If something is important to you, then fight for it. If something is irrelevant or inconsequential to you, let her be her, and let it go. When two people have different beliefs and values, sometimes the best you can do is learn to co-exist peacefully by setting and enforcing boundaries that respect those differences, which goes back to exerting your independence and requesting that people respect it. As a general rule, the more that two people try to control and change each other, the more that they run roughshod over each other’s boundaries, and the less they are able to trust and love each other. It’s not a question of compatibility but rather a question of whether the two of you can learn to respect each other’s boundaries and limitations.

#isfp #parent child relationship #estj #relationships #independence #communication #isfp relationships #estj relationships #boundaries #ask

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