#i dont know i’m just broken

[fruitydiaz]

i guess. the point of buck’s au is that he had the power to fix the things he considered his greatest failures (not saving daniel and not noticing that doug was abusing maddie.) and at the end he has to decide that he’s not at fault for either of those things and he can’t stay in this world where everything is “as it should be.” he can’t stay in this world and redeem his title as the guy who likes to fix things because that can’t be All That He Is.

so when christopher shows up in his dream world asking for buck’s help, it’s tempting him to stay. how could buck say no to helping christopher? but buck doesn’t belong in that world. buck can’t help him. kind of like how eddie has to follow his heart, not christopher’s. it’s not that christopher isn’t important, it’s not that eddie isn’t important, it’s that buck needs to choose himself over sacrificing himself to make others happy.

in this fake world there are people whose love for him is dependent on him fixing things he never could fix. in the real world there are people that love him just as he is

#al talks #911 spoilers #does that make sense? i dont know! i’m just saying words #my brain is broken by the au #also i’m trying to imagine eddie as the one standing in the hallway asking buck to help him find christopher #and i…………………. #would that have been harder for buck to resist? i don’t know. i don’t know!

[min3nc]

and i continue being the piece of shit i always am 👍 i am the toxic ex, after all

#did i really thought that i’d be the toxic ex? #no. of course not #never expected to be an ex to begin with #ah. the mental illness really got so much worse after getting broken up with #well. not precisely broken up with #ghosted for a month. then told that maybe with time we could get back together #then placed in a situationship #then later being made aware than i was the other woman during those times bc she was dating her friends on and off #then now being ghosted again #i am too intense. i know it’s my fault #i just wanna die man #i feel too much. i dont wanna feel this much. #i’m sorry i didn’t love you enough. i genuinely am so. so sorry

[1327-1]

unmedicated anxiety disorder person befuddled by brain doing the disorder

#this shit is fucking crazy #im like ok! lets get our clothes out bcoz i know u’re gonna freak out but this will make it easier #and then i’m like oh my fucking god what if people look at me #and then i’m like no i dont give a fuck but then i do i do so bad #it quite literally always takes jumping myself and beating my brain with hammers just to go Do Something #like i will map out my route. i will envision myself walking that route. i will be like yes i can see myself in this building i need 2 go 2 #all of that? FICKLE. #2024 xanax in my mouth plsplsplsllspls #.jrnl #i dont mean to psychoanalyze my family before 12pm but u ever have two parents who clearly have anxiety but as ure growing up theyre like #why dont u talk to ppl??? its a little weird ure this shy?? and then when u talk to ppl u’re reprimanded to HELL #and its like hey guys i unfortunately dont think this cycle can be broken i am ur literal child and u gave me this #and the world but its all the same shit fucking itself into top ten worst brain to have #me: u can go to the store and nothing will happen to u! [SOBBING]

[the-teddy-bear-butch]

Heeeeeey, so we’ve all sobbed in the car to Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls, right? (If you haven’t, I’m judging you. Harshly.)

What if I said that’s a Robin Blorbley song—

I don’t think I have to explain but I’m going to because no one can stop me <33

First of all, the pure pining of this fucking song and Robin pining over Miss Nancy Wheeler??? Hello???

We’ll skip to the chorus first because i enjoy hurting myself <33

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

Robin Buckley, who has come out to one (1) person because she is so scared of what will happen. Of COURSE the world won’t understand, her world is 80’s Hawkins, Indiana, and she’s watched people be awful to other queer people her whole life. But I’m thinking it’s deeper than that too. You can’t tell me that Robin doesn’t have some serious internalized homophobia. Growing up where she did, heating the awful things people said about homosexuality, being told that gay people are dirty and perverted, there’s no way she didn’t internalize that at least a little. There’s more to not wanting to be seen than just fear of homophobia. It’s fear of her dirty little secret being out, of people knowing she’s “wrong.”

She feels fragile—made to be broken. And every evil word breaks her a little.

But then she meets Nancy Wheeler. Nancy Wheeler who played chicken against a speeding car with nothing but a pistol. Nancy Wheeler with guns in her closet. Nancy Wheeler who sawed they end off a shotgun and blasted Vecna to bits. Nancy Wheeler who stands up against assholes who try to put her down, no matter how powerful—and it makes Robin feel brave. She’s drawn to this powerful, incredible woman, who gives her comfort in small moments, holding her hand, offers reassurance, all in the same five minutes as killing monsters. She wants to be brave, and she wants to be vulnerable. There’s just something about the metaphor of cracking open her rib cage and offering her heart to Nancy—she wants Nancy to know who she is, deeply and truly, not just the mask she puts on (like in ST3).

And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

And sooner or later, it's over

I just don't wanna miss you tonight

Does this not sound like Robin pining over Nancy? Powerful, incredible Nancy? Werewolf Robin’s very own Angel of Death? The closest to heaven—and hell—that she’ll ever be?

Being lost in the little moments. That tiny hand hold in the Upside-Down. Laughing in Nancy’s car as they make their getaway from the asylum. The little high five after convincing that guy to let them in. She thinks about those moments, and she realizes she’s made a home in Nancy Wheeler—maybe it’s not intentional, but it’s happened. She doesn’t want to go back to her frankly probably neglectful parents, an empty home—she wants to go home to Nancy’s arms. She’d give up her life for that chance. And she doesn’t want to, because she knows there’s no way Nancy loves her the same way—she’s straight, right? She hates it, she hates the way she misses Nancy—she doesn’t want to.

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah, you bleed just to know, you're alive

I think Nancy lies. She lies in telling people that she’s okay, she’s fine, she can take care of herself—but Robin has heard this before, hell, she’s said all the same. But she sees the truth, because as much as Nancy puts up that mask and builds up her barriers—everything is made to be broken, including the walls between them, and Robin sees through the cracks, stares into Nancy’s eyes and knows she’s lying—knows there’s something deeper, sees the truth, sees “I need help too, but I don’t know how to ask for it” and so she provides it. And it hurts, but hey, the pain means she’s alive, right?

Also obligatory reference to the Movies one shot and Robin being a sucker for cheesy movie romances—she can’t help thinking this feels like a movie.

Then we return to the chorus, but there’s a note of hope to it, because she’s beginning to learn that Nancy is keeping things hidden too. They’re breaking each other down to build each other back up, learning each other’s darkest secrets in the middle of the night, holding each other through the nightmares and their darkest moments. Robin feels it bubbling up in her, growing with the bassline, until it’s spilling from her lips, and then Nancy knows. Nancy knows her dirty little secret, and Robin has to hold her breath, watching, waiting, hoping, because god she just wants to be known—

And Nancy just offers her hand, a soft smile, and tells Robin that she knows her. Nancy knows the messy, rambling mess that is Robin. She knows the intelligent mind, the heart of gold, the way she’s willing to give every bit of herself for the people she loves—and that matters more than anything so small minded as to think Robin is dirty for loving in a different way. And it’d be hypocritical wouldn’t it? And oh, Nancy’s eyes are wide and watering, impossibly deep—Robin swears she sees right to Nancy’s bared soul, sees the mirror—Nancy wants to be known too—and Robin realizes, oh

She isn’t alone. This whole time, she’s been known, because Nancy has felt the same way, this whole time.

#lo’s music thoughts #I feel like I’m spewing random BS half the time #but I fucking love music #and I love attaching it to the characters I love #just #the mortifying ordeal of being known #Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls #AND I DONT WANT THE WORLD TO SEE ME #BECAUSE I DONT THINK THAT THEYD UNDERSTAND #WHEN EVERYTHINGS MADE TO BE BROKEN #I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I AM #[uncontrollable sobbing] #robin buckley #nancy wheeler #ronance #robin x nancy #nancy x robin

[bibleofficial]

getting bitched at for being on crutches, getting bitched at for being in a wheelchair - or NOT in a wheelchair - getting bitched at for WALKING TOO SLOW ON A CANE like my family needs to fuck off and leave me ALONE

#stream #QUIT TRUING TONUSE ME AS A BATTERING RAM AND MAYBE ID SIT IN THE FUCKING CHAIR U ASSHOLES #ITS BC NONE OF YALL KNOW HOW TO PUSH THIS THING W/O MY LEG GETTING MORE BROKE THAN ME WALKING ON IT MYSWLF #SO FUCKING ANNOYING #‘we didn’t bring this wheelchair …’ YEA BC U DIDNT NEED TO BC I SAID FUCKINGN NOT TO #DONT PISS ME OFF #my family is soooooo ANNOYING #like can i WALK ? CAN I WALK ? the only time y’all decide to haul ass is when i’m fucking BROKEN smh #like u know what y’all do ur tours im staying home and minding my #own business not getting bitched at thanks #the most enjoyable part #i could just go buy wine & beer & just get trashed & watch youtube #vacation #‘we don’t want u more broke than u are now’ THEN QUIT ACTING LIKE IM TOO BROKEN TO WALK OR TOO ABLE TO BE BROKEN #FUCKING PICK ONE #oh my god when my mother was like ‘oh u don’t want to use the wheelchair ? u want to use crutches ? u want to carry ur bag too ?’ like yea l #let me PULL A SUITCASE w my fucking CLAWED COCK bc my hands are TOTALLY free and NOT filled w crutches #give me a fucking BREAK #don’t get upset when i SNAP either bc y’all are so fucking ridiculous

[fleshdyke]

me currently ^

#(csa warning for tags) #jeeesus i am so done with everything. its not wven that bad i dont know why i’m as upset as i am #school is just fucking hell the past couple days for some reason. even though we literally just had march break. idk. the cycle is really #hitting me hard lately i guess #and my fucking anxiety is coming back like i swear to god everyone is staring at me and laughing and i know it’s not true but jfc it feels #like it. it hasn’t been this bad since before my diagnosis #and i’m absolutely convinced my friends fucking hate me and we’ve kicked ppl out of our friend group before (they were racist and #transphobic) and im so fucking scared it’ll happen to me #and i know it’s a completely unfounded fear but oh my god its fucking paralyzing #and i feel like im seven again and completely and utterly alone and im so so so scared of it happening again #im so fucking scared of being alone. i just want someone to talk to #and like the reason i’m spiralling isn’t even important. it’s literally bc some of my friends have stopped eating lunch with me #like it’s so fucking stupid but i can’t get over it #and two of them don’t bc they got imto relationships and im happy for them and i know its not expected or anything to get into one in hs #like logically i know that and i tell myself that all the time but godddd it doesnt stop me from feeling like im fucking broken all the time #literally not a single person has ever seen me as anything other than a friend. and im not even fully convinced abt that. #like. why does everyone have experiences with ppl liking them and not a single person ever has liked me #like what the fuck is so wrong with me that no one will ever love me #literally the only fucking person who has ever wanted me. EVER. was a grown fucking man that raped me as a child #and i cant even fucking remember it. I CANT REMEMBER WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE WANTED #and i know its some sick twisted way to look at it. like this grown fucking man raped me when i was younger than 8 and all i can think about #is how that was the only time anyone’s ever wanted me #and like i don’t even actually WANT anything. i just want someone to like me. i want someone to like me so fucking bad #the scariest part abt it is that i want it to fucking happen again because i just want to be wanted #i’m absolutely fucking terrified of never being wanted. ever. it’s the scariest shit in the world to me #bc as far as my life has been it’s been true. all my childhood bullies have been fucking right #the only time i have ever been desirable was when i was younger than 8. now people literally fucking gag when they look at me #and i dont fucking know what to do #rambles #vent

[shastafirecracker]

what is HAPPENING

#this is about trigun stampede episode 6 #am I having a stroke #I’m having blorbosensory processing disorder #there’s too much and it’s failing to assimilate into my brain #IM FEELING A LOT AND I DONT KNOW WHAT ANY OF IT IS #is it… bad? do I hate this? or???? #I dont KNOW I just have to fall back on being sad about how cakeless everyone is #so much tiny ww and liv but he never handed him the bread…. #the religious imagery of handing someone broken bread tho……. #just. sits here and gnaws on it like a bone

[spicey-mlm]

Men dni blogs stop reblogging my posts challenge

#I feel bad saying stuff like this but like dude #you’re breaking not only your own dni but mine too :(( This dies not benefit either of us #I was gonna message a few folk but I just dont wanna get into it #the post in question is phrased somewhat gender neutrally #(though I use I/personal pronouns in the post because it is about me and my thoughts. so in a way it feels like misgendering? but I know Im #just being sensitive) #but yeah the post has been shared in men dni circles and now it just feels like theres no point messaging everyone I dont wanna bother them #if I notice like one person has broken their own dni with my post or by following me I like to check in and see that they’ve noticed #(specifically if they list cnc or that as a hard limit) #wah anyway I’m rambling lol #*whats he talking about?*

[whimsyworm]

i am genuinely so fucking tired of hearing about this stupid fucking trial. shut the fuck up

#yo from yoyo #stop TALKING ABOUT IT #they’re both celebrity assholes i hate them both trials should not be used as press i’m fucking tired #stop defending either of them. i’m so tired #the way amber absolutely ruined the image of ppl with bpd for the next like 5 years #genuinely have seen ableism towards people w personality disorders because of amber and kanye and i just #GOD #STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THIS #PEOPLE’S PERSONAL LIVES SHOULD NOT BE ON BLAST. IT’S BAD FOR FUCKING EVERYONE #i don’t like johnny depp either. fuck him too. fuck both of these assholes. stop defending either of them #just straight up abusers #‘i stand with-‘ SHUT UP #STOP STANDING WITH PEOPLE WHO YOU DONT KNOW AND WHO DON’T KNOW YOU AND HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR A DIFFERENT THERAPIST EVERY HOUR #THEY DON’T NEED YOU TO STAND WITH THEM. THEY’RE FULL GROWN ADULTS WITH MORE MONEY THAN YOU CAN COMPREHEND #AND THE MORAL COMPASS OF A FUCKING BROKEN NEEDLE ON TOP OF TWO DROPS OF WATER #SHUT UP SHUT HP SHUT UP #anyways. #abuse// #idk what to tag this with just lmk ig

[painted--constellations]

like,,, should i just cry on the bathroom floor all night?

#i mean it seems like a damn good plan to me #but i just fixed my sleep schedule #and i know that will make me even more sad when the time comes and i have Ruined It so #maybe i am just fucked idk #i’m just fucking sad and tired you know #this shit is so hard and i am trying so fucking hard #but it seems like i am just doing Dumb Shit or something. like i made the wrong choice #some time ago and now i am just. playing the broken version of the main quest because i was too stubborn to restart while it was still easy #now i’m playing a new game no one has a rulebook for #and it’s broken #and the batteries in my controller are dying #and everyone is telling me i need to do it faster. i’m literally doing it just do it faster #but i dont think im doing it #it doesn’t feel like i’m doing it #and i don’t know how i’d even go about going faster #anyways. i should stop now. #i have to stop rambling on my fucking work accounts #people cannot handle me unfiltered it seems #too much complaining

[ch3shireacat]

Do you ever…

Do you ever just talk random nonesense, and you sound kinda insane? Like, for example, this was a conversation I had yesterday.

A - Hi?

Me, rambling to someone - So wouldn’t time effectively we imminently rolling, forever, unless someone was to efficiently use time travel, by rotating time, and breaking the line of which we exist on, and then wouldn’t that technically co-exist with all species of which live on the earth? And if so, would it effect any other worlds, or do they have entirely different time lines than our, due to no atmosphere? And how they rotate? So- Oh, Hi! Anyway-

A - ……. WHAT?!

#ramblings #random shit #idk man #i’m broken #do you ever just #do you ever look at someone and wonder what is going on inside their head #i do #i dont fucking know #3am thoughts

[leejihoonownsmyheart]

I’m sorry

I didn’t mean to scare you

I’ll always read your fics and be around

I just don’t want to be a bother anymore so I’ll just fade back into anonymity with you

I really do hope everything goes well for you next year

Thank you for being my friend this year, it meant a lot to me

#you’re not a bother?? #i don’t know who this is but you’re not a bother #i don’t want to lose another friend please??? #i feel like i’m being broken up with #on my tumblr blog at that #IN MY BIRTH MONTH #RIGHT BEFORE THE NEW YEAR #the concept of a friend fading into anonymity after we’ve been close is #so mortifying to me #just very upsetting #cause i don’t want anyone to stop talking to me #and to only see me through my blog is like to not see me at all #you’re seeing some side of me i don’t even like that much #why are you leaving me???? #WHAT DID I DO #DONT LEAVE?? #imm trying to sound light hearted because this is like my public blog but i’m really uspet why are you leaving me #IM WEARING EYELINER DONT DO THIS TO ME #WE CAN TALK??? #WE ARENT CORYO AND LUCY GRAY #THERES NO KATNISS TO PICK #THERE ARE NO MOCKING JAYS #<< okay i had to bring some #comic relief into the chat

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

#you didn’t speak to me at all yesterday and so far things are trending the same way this morning #and I really just don’t know what to do because I’m so anxious and stressed from this whole situation #I’m sick with double the worry because on one side what if you’re actually hurt and on the other what if you’re just being an asshole #it’s these kinds of long silences I just don’t know how to handle they tear me up inside #and I’m starting to wonder if maybe you really did just ghost me #I have this fear that you just decided to delete your app so you wouldn’t even know I was trying to talk to you #or something else stupid like that anyway #didn’t help that I had a dream about that happening just yesterday either #but I’m so tired and worn out and I just want to know you’re still alive #we can fight out everything else later so long as you’re actually talking to me #and maybe I should have stood my ground and not broken down and conceded to you again like the fool I am #but I’m at the end of my rope just trying to keep it all together waiting around here for you #maybe this is the real reason you won’t talk to me anywhere else is because you like this control you have over me here #if there’s only route of communication it’s very easily dismantled and you can make me suffer so quickly #but that’s just one more problem I dont have the capacity to deal with right now #I don’t know how much harder I can beg anymore #I don’t know how to stop you from being this cruel towards me #I just need this to be over with so I can rest and take a breath and move on with my life #personal

[noctude]

fine. fine. fine. here it is. DON’T watch this

mp3 download / youtube go nuts my friends.

also if you like this but you also hate it why dont you umm check out my real music i have a new instrumental album coming out soon :D

[video description under cut, written by @starberry-skies​]

[Video Description: A parody of the song "No Children" by The Mountain Goats, from the perspective of an Among Us imposter. The video begins with the title "No Amongus Babys" as synth music begins to play. The video show various Among Us screenshots and lyrics with typos and emoticons. The lyrics are:

"I hope that our small surviving crew Gives up on trying to catch us. I hope we come up with a failsafe plot to throw off all the proof they attached us. I hope the wires we mended Start an electrical fire! And I hope we disable the light fixture, I hope the impact is dire. And I hope the reactor a few rooms from here Someday blows up; And I hope that the broken airlock funnels me into space, And I never come back to this ship again!

In my life I hope I lie, And tell everyone you were a crewmate. And I hope you’re sus… I hope we’re both sus."

[Music break, and as the words “lalalallalalallla yayyy” sparkle on screen]

"I hope I murder a witness tomorrow, I hope they bleed all day long. Our crew says there's no one to trust but ourselves, We know too well they’re not wrong! I hope we sabotage quickly, I hope the tasks aren’t over, I hope you vent before I do, I hope we never get voted. And I hope when you vouch for me days down the line… You can’t find one true thing to say. And I hope that if I kill and I self-report, You’d let me just dig my own grave.

I’m in medbay… I am faking a task. You are coming down with me, Scan in unloveable scan. And I hope you’re sus I hope we’re both sus!"

The lyrics end, with the glittery text "i love among us". The rest of the text flashes in with cheesy effects, which read: "i'm noctude this one goes out to kal cabbagegunk he gets prophecies when feverish about among us its normal". End VD]

#among us #the mountain goats

[bittenprincess]

🪺

#i know #everyone is so tired of hearing me complain. i know. i’m tired of me too #i’m just so lonely and i can’t stop being sad. i thought i felt ok again for a second #i dont #i’m back to thinking about blowing my brains out on repeat or putting my head through the wall or just hurting myself the way i deserve #everyone is tired of hearing me talk about it #i’m tired of talking about it #i’m tired of thinking about it and i’m tired of thinking in general #what did i do wrong #why am i so stupid #i can’t even be the kind of stupid that makes me oblivious b to my problems so i just know i’m drowning but there’s no way up #just a broken kind of stupid. unfixable. difficult and over sensitive and cowardly #i can’t stop thinking about hurting myself #it goes away for second and then it’s back #if i talk about it more it’ll scare everyone away m #because then it’ll be obvious that i’m less than human #i’m not used to kindness and i still can’t make myself feel like i’ve earned it #i can be around a bunch of friends and still feel like an alien #i can be loved and still feel as worthless as i am #and i still want to complain. everyone’s tired of it. i am too. now i’m subjecting strangers here to it #because i know how it is. and i’m sorry. but i guess if i really was sorry i would do something about it #i hope that if i do it no one has to find me

[fleshdyke]

absvejavbehevsn

#bad day. augh. #why is all the shit i get genuinely upset about so fucking stupid and insignificant #like literally it doesnt fucking matter no one cares….. stop being fucking dramatic ‼️ #im so fucking done with school . its literally not wven that bad but i want to explode #like im perfectly fine talking in detail abt absolute atrocities being committed against my communities just across the border #but i’m so scared i cant fucking move when i don’t have anyone to sit with me at lunch. like its so fucking pathetic #the usual spot me and my friends eat in is closed for ramadan which is great but he havent established a new spot and my best friends keep #going off to be with their partners and wander around and i feel so fucking broken because they dont even like me anymore #like im too disabled to walk around this 5 story school and im too much of a fucking loser for anyone to even possibly want in the slightest #and two of my best friends just fucking leave with their partners because theyre not absolutely godawful people #and like i know i can’t be expectex to find someone in hs i know that logically but i feel so fucking broken #bc why doesnt anyone want me. why has no one ever fucking wanted me #the only time ive ever been wanted in my whole fucking life was when i was raped as a little kid and i want it back so fucking bad i wanf it #back i just want to be fucking wanted again #and i dont think anyones actually my friend like i dont think anyone actually likes me bc why would they #i hace to live with myself every minute of every day and i can tell why no one fucking likes me bc im so fucking annoying #ok nevermind . done now. my brother just walked into my room took one look at me ( i have very obviously been crying) and asked if i wanted #to watch him play minecraft #rambles #vent