#i dont feel right. physically mentally emotionally. im fucking exhausted and cant be around people or alone. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

unethicalexperiments · 1 year

Text

idk how to really start this but like. my mental state is just so exhausting like im so tired of it. theres no reason i should be this volatile theres no reason i should react to situations the way i do. just last night i had a weird (not even that bad) interaction with a stranger and it pissed me off so much i tried to kill myself. i wasn't sad or embarrassed i was just so furious over it, because it was a 10 second interaction and i couldn't explain myself to the other person, and i was just so fucking angry i was ready to physically hurt the other person over it well after i walked away. and then once i got home i was so upset that i got that unreasonably angry over a nothing interaction. and its not like i even got angry while i was still with the other person! it wasnt until after i walked away! there were only two thoughts circling in my mind for about 30-60 minutes after (idk im so bad at keeping track of time) that were just "why do i react to things like this" and "i just want it to stop hurting" bc thats the worst of it it just hurts so much. i swear im in physical pain after having breakdowns like that i feel hollow in my chest and obviously i dont have to say anything else about how much it emotionally hurts. i just want it to stop hurting. is that really too much to ask for? to not be in so much pain for just a little while? i guess i still havent come to terms with the fact that im disabled, because i still think of being disabled as someone who uses aids, even though i know invisible disabilities are a thing. i dont see other peoples invisible disabilities as being invalid, just really my own, because i still feel like im high enough functioning that i shouldnt consider myself disabled. i dont use mobility aids yet i dont take pain medication yet so therefore the literal brain damage i have isnt bad enough, im still fine. i kind of got off track but thats also part of it i guess. another thing that really gets me is the fact that i actually do have bpd, i was diagnosed by an actual doctor at 17 and its still a more than valid diagnosis. i feel like im in this constant cycle of "i have to get better because i cant keep living like this" and "i have to get worse so everyone else can see what theyve done to me". like last night i literally had to sit down and reread the dsm chapter on bpd to remind myself this is why youre like this. you do have this diagnosis its real and it is a problem. my 30 minute episodes of actively trying to kill myself to be followed by watching tv or something and laughing as if none of that happened. i still cant fathom not living like this, not having to go through this every fucking day. and then on the other hand i had a great interaction today at my job that made me feel really good about what i do and proving the work that i do is actually helping the community around me. and i felt on top of the world for like an hour, i felt great! and then another thing at work happened where i proved myself/my team to be right about something! which was also great! and i got another half hour of happiness. and then i get home and im reminded of how alone i am, how i really have no one to do or share anything with anymore. which is partially my fault and partially not! im not gonna act like im the most pleasant person to be around or that im easy to deal with, but fuck, man, i try. and it always feels like no one else is trying. i cut my own hair for the first time a few weeks ago; it came out great! and had no one to tell about it.

and now im just staring at a wall over all of it. none of the bad stuff happened none of the good stuff happened. im gonna get violently angry later and im gonna be nearly euphoric later, its just another day. and i want to change i want to change my lifestyle so bad but how can i do that without any help. i spent years of my life begging for other people to help me and got ignored, which resulted in my disability. i tried so hard to fix it on my own but i couldnt! im not a doctor! and now ill never be because i couldnt finish my pre-med classes because of my disability! i feel like im constantly screaming at the top of my lungs and waving red flags shouting please for the love of god someone help me every day and every day nothing changes. they say you cant help someone who doesnt want to be helped, but has anyone actually tried helping people before? youre telling me you cant problem solve? you cant find a different road to a solution, just because we cant take the easiest one? im sorry that its not easy for everyone else to help me, but how does anyone else think i feel?

but whatever. im fine now. i relived every emotion i went through while writing all that but im fine now. now that its all out there its all out there, out of my system. i dont care anymore. because it didnt matter. because it doesnt matter. none of it matters. it happened and its gonna happen again. ill go through these cycles again tomorrow and the next day and the next week and the next month and the next year and so on. it is what it is i guess. but does it really have to be.

#talking to myself #content warning for like. borderline personality disorder. i guess.#this is just a wall of text bc i wont go back to therapy no one feel obligated to open or read this

2 notes · View notes

ferretphobos · 7 years

Text

life is fucking weird

I dont know whats going on anymore. Im usually throwing myself into show after show, sometimes without even a weeks worth of rest in between. Its the only way i can feel normal. Ive tried other ways (i.e. drinking, eating ect ect). But the only real way ive found that works is working myself into exhaustion. without a show i feel like im nothing, that im worth nothing. I recently got into a semi-local show of “Grease” but backed out basically because the part wasn't worth it. Now i really regret it. I regret alot of things. The thing I fear most is being left with time to myself. it gives me time to think. thats bad. Big for instance, i recently got into a fresh relationship and almost fucked it up immediately. She is an actress that i met during my second to last show, and younger than me but just as mature (because i am immature as all hell). But because I was in a pretty long relationship where things got pretty serious i got used to certain things. I was used to constantly being in contact with my SO, and just hearing about everything going on during her day so that I felt connected. With this new relationship we talk alot face to face, but sometimes barely pass 5 sentences a day through text, It’s really weird for me. Now i realize just how busy she is, but i didnt understand before, and it ate at me. I just got broken up with a little over 5 months ago, and after 5 years together that is such a short time. I thought I was ok, but it seems to have left some things behind. She also recently got dumped and coupled with her anxiety problem did not help this situation. I stupidly took things overboard. My mind went into overdrive and mistook this lack of communication as a lack of interest, that and I really do not know what people see in me i really do not. I know I have self image issues and am pretty much doing nothing about it so...yeah. continuing, my mind took all this as i am nothing more than a rebound, thats the only reason why she would want to try a relationship in the first place, that she doesnt really know what she wants or that she is just projecting on to me and tricking herself like I did twice when I was around her age. Basically I told myself that this relationship was a lie, that we both were pretending only. That scared the shit outta me. I like to think of myself pretty laid back, but that seems to be falling apart as the years go by. So in my paranoia i texted her confronting her about it, and that went as well as that sounded. It went back and forth me not believing her claims of wanting to truly be in the relationship, and her protesting saying yes she did and that she was sorry for not responding due to a shitty week. Long story short I wallowed for a day and then contacted her to apologize. But it wasnt enough so the day after that we met and hung out until she had to go to work, but then after her work around....10ish? we met and hung out again, just us talking all thru the night again till almost 3....it was nice. we are doing better now, but i cant help but believe its all a ruse, not a purposeful one, but a ruse none the less. I dont know why im just so afraid of this ending and I know I shouldn't be! if its meant to be its meant to be we tried it out good for us, but my mind wont let me believe that. The weird thing is my family has no idea, they dont even know that me and amanda are separate, even tho that was more than 5 months ago. its not like we publicized it or anything but still, i live at home i see them practically everyday. I think I hate them, but I have to smile because I have nowhere else to go. I know Hate is such a strong word but what i feel is more than general dislike. I couldn’t care less if I ever saw or spoke to them again. The bonds I made are stronger than the ones made by blood. How sad is that? Even if i wanted to tell them i feel like I cant. Idk why. And as for amanda, when we split there were alot of declarations of love, even tho we split. It was a weird situation. I told her I prob would not date for a while after her. Because of her I feel like I cannot post anything about Emma, lest I hurt her feelings. And because we work in the same building and alot of our co-workers are friends with both of us I feel like I cant say anything about her anyways. That I would looked down on or that I would be seen as a dick. Idk what to do, I want to show her off so bad, but not if it means all this ridiculous backlash...it doesnt matter tha me and amanda have not spoken in almost two months. or that I dont speak with my parents. I still feel obligated...I hate it....I wish I could move somewhere but Im stuck for right now...I need to get out....I need to go away from alot of people. To make things worse something else happened. During this whole fight/situation with Emma I got a Fb message. I happened to put up one of those stupid quiz “send me a number deals” and got a response back from someone I never would have imagined. I originally met him at RCC and he was super nice and one of the more popular in the Theatre program. as far as I was aware I wasnt even on his radar, I had also about 3 months after Amanda dumped me made a tinder because I was feeling bad and wanted to see if I would get any matches at all. So apparently he saw it and messaged me about it saying that he always thought i swung both ways and that he always had a thing for me. So he started complementing me and wanting to set up a date. I always used to have a thing for him but because he was popular never dreamed it would happen, so this was a dream come true...and going against my better judgement started messaging back. I know dick move, dont worry tho. so we message for about three days and then the guilt gets to me, and I break it off. I never want to be known as a cheater....ever....to hurt anyone purposefully is just not me. I let him know the situation and apologized but i still feel horrible....I intend to tell Emma next we meet. on top of all that i havent been feeling myself this past month and a half, or rather Ive been feeling myself and that thought is all the worse. Ive been feeling like there is two anchors attached to my soul dragging me down. Dragging me down emotionally (which led to the Emma Situation), mentally, heck even physically. I constantly feel it. and when that happens its never good. last time that happened I practically became a zombie for 8 months just surviving life. not doing anything but working. Idk what is wrong with me...i hate it. I still have thoughts about death, of attaching an I.V to my arm so that my heart pushes my blood out while I literally walk my life away. The idea just came out of fucking nowhere but its perfect in my head. Walk around with an iv and attacted extender with a towel or maybe empty fluid bag(s) to empty into to all the while recording my last moments. Its almost become obsession. I dont think I would do it for a while tho. Ive rambled for long enough and have to go back to work.

#just my thoughts #no need to read #just rambling

0 notes