#i dont actually know what wanton means and i dont care. i read it in a comic book once.

[leftnipsdoodles]

full offense but d2 painting Asher as incompetent isnt right and it’s pretty obvious it’s mostly done to make Ikora look better and to show the two as opposites (cool concept, still inconsistent). this is pretty clear when you look at the few times Asher is paired with someone else for mission control (Sloane, Failsafe) and is suddenly right in his assumptions and succeeds with his objective. it’s like they just can’t allow more than one warlock in the room to be right lmao

anyway, let me set the record straight, Asher:

- in the main story; correctly guessed that just blowing up the Almighty wouldn’t be the smart thing to do and helped us scan and assess it -> prevented us from accidentally blowing up the sun. he was also the one to alert us to Taken activity on Io, which subsequently kept it from imploding. just saying.

- in Getting Your Hands Dirty; was able to make us control the Taken to the degree that they could be used as a weapon against the Cabal, while never letting things get out of hand

- in Postmodern Prometheus; literally WAS able to create a sort of synthetic light, even if it wasn’t to the extent that he’d hoped. I never understood why the game flat out denies this, as if he didn’t just create a ton of light orbs for us to pick up and charge our Super with.

- in Red Legion, Black Oil; he’s right about the organogel inside Cabal armor/vehicles and helps us sabotage it, which basically makes the entire supply into a guaranteed time-bomb when used. if adventures weren’t self-containted side stories, this would be a sound tactic to gain a leg up on the Cabal by making them kill themselves without ever having a chance to figure out why. btw, in this, he’s also confirmed in his distaste for Titans, as Sloane would have you blow up the supply instead, which would be a much smaller victory without any kind of future merit.

- in Road Rage; rented us a sweet Cabal Interceptor. their intermittent boost, which provides a one-second burst of speed every several seconds, and their Solar cannons that fire large explosive shells, causing splash-damage, combined with their enhanced durability compared to Sparrows or Pikes, makes them a fun and deadly vehicle to ride. furthermore, the variant seen in this particular adventure, distinguishable by its black hull, has a significantly increased rate of fire and an infinite speed boost. with its ability to fire both cannons at once, it certainly is a sight to behold! anyway, thanks to him, the Vex didn’t get their hands on sensitive data on the Warmind project, as well as our beloved copies of Pulp Fiction.

- in Cliffhanger; he managed to upload a virus into the Vex Collective

- didn’t help us in Arecibo, but i’m listing it just to say that to be fair, it wasn’t due to incompetence, just apathy.

- in the Pyramidion strike, he IS constantly wrong about things. however, to help me make my point i will point out that his experience with the Pyramidion was a lot more akin to a raid and towards the end of our strike, it’s made clear that the Vex NOT throwing everything at us was indeed like, super weird. Ikora says it was a trap but.. what kind of trap is that? just letting us waltz into the vex boss’ office and beating the shit out of him? Asher had every right to refuse to accept us getting Brakion handed on a silver platter lol

- in the Dunemarchers’ lore tab; he was able to translate Cabal language from scratch

- exposed us to radiation on multiple occasions. this isn’t actually a good thing, i just feel like we shouldn’t let it slide.

the only time that rly made me go ‘Asher wtf’ was when he wanted us to destroy the data in Road Rage and our Ghost had to suggest to recover it instead, especially since in Red Legion, Black Oil he lectures us abt not always just destroying things mindlessly. i guess that one’s Asher being 100% a hypocrite, since a lot of patrol lines and the like show him being prone to violence and wanton destruction himself. him wanting Brakion dead instead of researching it or at least its body is also p stupid but it ties into the above and it’s made obvious that his need for revenge is an unhealthy and irrational thing so. that’s that on that i guess.

i’ll use this opportunity to also say that like half the time asher uses big words it’s to hide what he’s rly saying bc he’s uncomfortable saying it, so e.g. when he means to say ‘i’m sorry, i was wrong’ he’ll tell you ‘looks like my hypothesis was disproven’ bc he clearly has trouble expressing anything other than anger and it’s also p much canon that he’s better at expressing himself in more impersonal ways, like writing. so everytime someone says Asher using big words is bungie trying to make him sound smart and failing im like yo, give them a break. stop trying to find sth negative abt everything in this game when a bunch of it is genuine characterization.

which is a weird way to end this rant since my whole point is their weird, biased writing. huh. oh well

#GOOD LUCK GETTING THROUGH THE ASHER APPRECIATION ZONE #delete later #steroid gaming #i dont actually know what wanton means and i dont care. i read it in a comic book once. #also there's a bunch of minor things he's done that are also good and stuff but like. i tried to keep it to the #crucial stuff.

[strawbxrryneptune]

omgomg can u continue and make a pt2 of that idol/staff au where jimin pins y/n against the wall of a dressing room or so?? dom jimin with some saliva play as in spitting 🤭

Answer

This is fix it part two, if you havent read it its here . You dont need to read it for context, its just reader giving Jimin some good head 🤡 this one is angsty? I dunno if that's the right word but its mostly filth with some fluff ;)))) ENJOY !!

Jimin is such a switch in this, it's crazy. Put on your neck brace cause WHIPLASH

Warnings: Very unrealistic multiple orgasms, like she cums so much and she's just chillin, thigh riding, slight fingering, face sitting, 69, Jimin's in love, lots of making out because Jimin's lips are heaven, But seriously he loves kissing in this so be prepared, I got lazy so you're gonna have to imagine the fucking 🤡

--__--__--_____________________--__--__--__--___

"(Y/n)-ssi, Jimin got juice all over his shirt!! "

"(y/n) -ssi, Jimin ripped his pants!!"

"(Y/n) -ssi, Jimin needs new earrings!! "

It was like that everyday, Jimin doing something to make your life a sexually frustrating nightmare. Ever since you sucked him off at his performance a week ago, he's been acting like a smug little shit. He even went as far as pinning you against a wall, just to whisper hotly into your ear what he wanted to do to you before walking away like nothing happened. You were on the verge of snapping, and if Jimin didn't come through with his filthy promises you were going to quit right then and there. Well, maybe not quit, but you would definetly consider being someone else's stylist, preferably Yoongi, since he slept most of the time, and when he wasn't sleeping he was actually really nice to talk to.

"(y/n)-ssi, J-"

" Jimin broke his heel? Ripped his shirt? Tore the jeans that are supposed to be fucking torn?! "

you yell in frustration, stomping your way towards his dressing room. You're gonna have to apologize to the poor coordi-noona later, right now you need to give Jimin a piece of your mind. You practically bust down the door to his dressing room, startling the pink haired male in the process. Even though you're beyond pissed, you can't deny that Jimin looks amazing with his freshly dyed locks. It makes his features even softer, yet at the same time it makes him look like an actual demon.

"Is something wrong, (Y/n)?"

you narrow your eyes at the boy in front of you, sprawled out on his couch like he owns the world. Without replying, you strut towards him, your short plaid skirt swaying with your movement. You step in between his legs, your anger boldening you. Jimin smiles slightly and reaches out for you, but you smack his hand out of the way.

"Am I a joke to you? Do you find this situation funny? Cause I am this close to telling Bang Pd-nim to fucking transfer me. I bet you have all the noonas on their knees for you, begging for you to take them. I'm nothing special, just another one of your play toys, huh? "

"No, that's not true! I-"

"You what, Jimin? Care about me? Bullshit. If you cared about me you would've done something a long time ago! I've made my feelings pretty obvious, it was getting painful to be around you all the time when you just ignored me."

you run your fingers through your hair, not realizing how dark his eyes had become.

"Ignored you? "

you shiver slightly at his rasp, inwardly cursing yourself for being so weak. He stands up slowly, pulling your body into his firm chest.

"Oh, (y/n), trust me, ignoring is not a word to describe what I've been doing. You don't even know how many times I've held back from bending you over your vanity and stuffing you full of my cock. Teach you a lesson for being such a fucking cocktease."

your mouth drops open, heat rushing throughout your body at his words.

"I don't know what you mean by ' I made my feelings pretty obvious'. I thought you hated me. "

his voice suddenly goes from throaty to shaky, and you want to reach out and and brush the hair from his eyes, but he continues.

"That day in the dressing room I couldn't believe you actually got on your knees for me. I expected you to push me away, scream at me, even hit me. It made me so happy, I just wanted more of your attention before I fucked everything up. "

You stare at him in shock, every second in silence making him more nervous. You snap out of your trance when he lets go of the hold he had on your waist, taking a step back as his hair falls into his face, blocking your view.

"I guess its too late now. You hate me. "

you shake your head vigorously, then you realize he can't see you.

"Jimin. I don't hate you... "

you finally brush his hair out of his eyes, leaning foward slightly when he doesnt look at you. Tilting his chin up, you connect your lips with his, doing a mental victory dance when he reciprocates. Your eyes widen when he pushes you against the nearest wall, never breaking lip contact. He roughly slides his tongue into your mouth, his knee wrenching your legs apart. You grind against his thigh slowly, testing out the feeling. Jimin lets out a broken moan into your mouth when he feels your heat against his leg, tensing his muscle to bring you more pleasure. You arch your back at the feeling, unlatching your mouth from his. He whines breathlessly, his lips following yours before he catches your tongue between his lips and sucks. You mewl and grind down harder against him, your high barreling towards you embarrassingly fast. Jimin grabs you harshly by your ass, lifting you up. You wrap your legs around him and squeal when he sucks hard on your pulse point.

" N-no marks, Jimin! "

he growls against your skin, biting down on your neck in retaliation.

"Don't tell me what to do. You're mine, and I don't care who sees. "

you feel your legs tremble as he practically snarls into your neck, sucking a dark bruise before moving on to another spot. He lets one of your legs down while he slides his hand down into your skirt, pushing past your panties to slide a finger inside you. You mewl into his neck, hips rocking into his hand as your high creeps up on you. Jimin slides a second finger into your tight heat, lips reconnecting with yours roughly. You cum unexpectedly around his fingers, screaming out when he doesn't stop. He sucks your tongue into his mouth, grinding his bulge against your soaked cunt.

"F-fuck, Jimin, you're so hard. "

you roll your hips along with him, choking out a moan when his tip presses into your clit.

"Just for you, baby. ",

Jimin breathes out. He sinks his teeth into your neck as he grinds harder into you, muffling his moans. You take a fistful of his hair in between your fingertips and yank his head back, causing his hips to stutter and a strangled moan to leave his lips. Pain kink. Who would've thought. You snap out of your daze when you catch how dark his eyes are, silently asking why the fuck you almost ripped his hair out-not that he was complaining. You smirk and lean in slightly to whisper in his ear.

"I wanna hear you."

he shudders slightly at the way your breath fans out across his ear, neck and cheeks heating up. He slowly begins rocking his cock back against you, whining in his throat when you lock eyes. The eye contact is intense, his tongue poking out to slowly lick his lips. You lean foward and suck his tongue into your mouth, pushing him towards the couch. He flops down onto it, breathing hard. Standing in front of him, you kick off your underwear. He holds up a finger right before you sit on him, standing up to pull his pants off.

"I dont want you to get chafing. "

he says softly. You squeal internally at how cute he is, but you're quickly renotified of the situation at hand with a twitch from Jimin's boxers. You straddle his thigh, settling yourself onto the strong muscle. He places his hands firmly on your hips, rocking you into him while connecting your lips. He swipes his tongue against your lips, slipping it in as you moan. The feeling of his thigh right against your clit, along with the vibrations of his whimpers into your mouth is driving you crazy. You can already feel your orgasm coming in strong, just a little more... As if he can read your mind, Jimin leans back so he's laying down on the couch and starts to flex his thigh as you're rocking, moaning along with you as he palms himself. You throw your head back in ecstasy, clutching onto your left tit as you fly off the edge. You shake on top of him, biting onto your lip. Jimin interlocks your fingers, looking into your eyes with raw emotion. "Why don't you come and sit on my face, princess? "

☜☆☞☜☆☞☜☆☞☜☆☞☜☆☞☜☆☞

"JIMIN"

you moan out his name in ecstasy, rolling your hips against his face. He moans into your cunt, burying his face deeper as he pushes his hips into the air, searching desperately for friction. You pant haphazardly, reaching towards his crotch. You palm his throbbing erection, eliciting a wanton moan from the Male. He detaches his puffy lips from you dripping arousal for a split second, looking towards you with dark eyes.

"Take me out, baby."

You shiver at the way the words come from his mouth, immediately sliding your hand down his torso and into his boxers to take out his length. Jimin goes back to work on your cunt, licking his way towards your swollen clit before tugging it in his mouth with a harsh suck. You shakily pull his cock out, mouth watering at his thick it is. He's the perfect length, not too long but thick enough to make you feel that slight burn. You mewl at the thought of taking his cock finally, and sink down on him in one go. His hips jerk up into your face, a loud moan ripping from his throat as he feels you swallow along his swollen cock.

"FUCK Y/N"

you chuckle against him, the vibrations driving him wild. He let's you go on for a free more seconds, lazily flicking his tongue against your clit while you work him up, then he gently nudges you off of him to sit up. You look at him confused, but he only spreads his legs and invites you over.

👉🏾👈🏾💫👉🏾👈🏾💫👉🏾👈🏾💫👉🏾👈🏾💫👉🏾👈🏾💫

I'm so sorry for the wait! I didnt wanna make you wait any longer so I kinda rushed it and forgot to incorporate the actual sex but I can just write a continuing drabble of you want 💚 I'm gonna try to complete all of my requests by Agust so if you wanna send in some new ones feel free!

#jimin #bts smut #bts #park jimin smut #bts jimin smut #jimin smut #ask

[zenosanalytic]

Great Beasts of Legend: Centaurs, Sirens and Chimaera: The Greeks and th...

I know I’ve posted this lecture by Dr. Jeremy McInerney before, but I was watching it again(third time; really love this one uwu) and at 41:55 he starts a discussion of a boundaries-based reading of Centaurs(good target for that given the melding/muddying of boundary btw animal and man Centaurs represent[1]), beginning with the Herakles, Deianira, Nessos Myth that I feel he doesn’t quite hit though he makes/brings up other great points and it made me want to write a short little thing about why this myth, specifically, is really open to such a reading:

Ok so the basic outline: Herakles and Deianira are traveling, they come to the river Evinos where Nessos[2], the Centaur, is selling his services as a living ferry(ppl sit on him and he carries them across). Herakles, of course, decides to swim across and pays Nessos to carry Deianira across. While doing so, Nessos attempts to rape her, Deianira calls for help, and Herakles whips out his bow and arrows dipped in Hydra’s blood, and shoots Nessos dead. As he dies but before Herakles reaches them, Nessos tells Deianira to take a vial of his blood(sometimes blood mixed with his semen). The story splits interestingly here, so remember this point for later. Years down the road, Herakles is off in some part of Greece partying in celebration of yet another city he’s plundered, and he sends a train of new slaves taken from said city-plundering back home, along with a messenger with an off-hand request to Deianira that she send his favorite cloak along cuz he plans to keep partying for quite a long while. This is another point of ambiguity in the story and its retellings so remember it, too. She steeps his cloak in water mixed with the vial of Nessos’s blood, sends it along and, while the poison doesnt kill Herakles cuz he’s part god and Hydra’s poisonous blood isn’t powerful enough to do that, it DOES cause him such enormous, unending pain that he builds his own funeral pyre and burns himself alive, apotheosizing into a god in the process.

So, regarding Boundaries:

Nessos, obvsl, is a physical manifestation of the close and ever-present boundary between humans and beasts; btw self-control and indulgence; btw “civilized” behavior and “uncivilized”, as discussed above, and particularly of the threat of rape Greek men present to Greek women.

This story involves a River, a physical boundary

Rivers are ALSO what separate the world of the living from the world of the dead to the Greeks, and this is a story ABOUT TWO DEATHS, both tied directly TO a River(one taking place in it, during the act of crossing it; the other a long-term effect of that event[but also Herakles’s hubris, though most versions, being written for men, don’t emphasize that totally obvs aspect of it]).

Not only that, it’s LITERALLY the story of Herakles’s apotheosis: of how he comes to finally transcend the boundary between God and Mortal which he has straddled his whole life.

Herakles is celebrating the sack of a city, ie, his violation&destruction of the Boundaries defining said city, when he dies. Greek cities are often protected by female divinities(Athena usually), so it’s yet another symbol of rape.

So Split 1: In most versions, the reason Nessos gives for why she should take his blood is that it is a powerful love potion that will ensure Herakles remains faithful to her if his eye ever strays. BUT, also in most versions, this is a lie and he’s secretly trying to poison Herakles, though how would he know Herakles’ arrows are poisoned with Hydra-blood? I remember reading a version where he presents it to her AS POISON, explaining about the Hydra, but I cant find any mention of it online, so maybe my brain’s just making it up(or maybe this was the Hercules TV Show version X|).

Split 2: BUT BUT, while in most version Deianira sends the cloak out of desperation to keep him faithful(and of course there’s a particular slave girl in the train she’s warned about just so all of this can be EXTRA the fault of women, rather than Herakles for being a giant asshole like he always is), in other versions she sends it OUT OF VENGEANCE, TO FUCK HIM UP because Herakles is being a giant asshole, wrecking up Greece, partying as much as he likes, flaunting his rapes and his victims in her face(this is VERY RELEVANT given the nature of other versions of this story), and leaving her to run his household alone while ordering her around like she’s a slave rather than his Wife.

These are mutually exclusive: she cannot be both seeking to punish him, and trying, in anguished desperation, to keep him faithful to her[3].

Herakles in this story, as is ALWAYS THE CASE IN ALL HIS STORIES, is flaunting the boundaries of Proper Behavior, in this case those defining a happy and successful marriage(IE Hera’s Domain; which you’d THINK would be kind of relevant, given the deep narrative connection between Hera and Herakles and her quickness to anger regarding marriage violations, yet it somehow perennially goes unmentioned), and getting punished for it.

Now here’s an ADDED kicker. There’s a version of this story were Herakles initiates the conflict. one day he visits the house of Deianira’s father, Dexamenus, and while a guest, rapes her. Dexamenus can’t fight Herakles, of course, but he demands by the gods and tradition that Herakles marry Deianira to “repair” the injury(WE LIVE IN HELL!), and Herakles agrees. After he leaves to prepare for the wedding, a local Centaur, Eurytion(name meaning “Widely Honored”) visits Dexamenus and proposes to marry Deianira himeself(you know: without the whole BEING HER RAPIST thing), and Dexamenus complies. Herakles arrives a few days later, kills Eurytion, and sees that their marriage is carried out. Presumably in this version, the blood poisoning the cloak would be Eurytion’s.

What I’ve tried to get across here is that, among other things, there are readings of this myth were Herakles is the bad guy and Deianira the agent of divine punishment, if not the actual Protagonist. And those readings suggest certain ideas we would be prone to consider “modern” about the agency of women, consent, personal and social boundaries, morality, Greek ~Heroic Masculinity~, and yes even Centaurs, might not have been so alien and “anachronistic” to the ancient Greek mind as we tend to think.

But anyway, even if you think that particular part of my little argument here is total Bunk, I hope I’ve managed to get across that Deianira and the Cloak is a myth Absolutely LOUSY with the theme of Boundaries, what they mean, what it means to Cross them, and the Consequences for which you Cross, when, how, and plain just choosing to cross them in the first place. It’s a really great example for him to suggest for this particular topic, and it really inspired me quite a lot today, and I just wish there was a lecture online where he developed it further uwu

[1]And not only that, but of course owning horses was a common sign of aristocratic status, and trading horses a common aristocratic activity(this is one way you know Hesiod’s claims of poverty are a put-on; his family breeds and sells horses). I feel like it’s pretty well understood that Centaurs are in someway a commentary and meditation upon the nature of Greek masculinity, on the capacity for violent cruelty and wanton appetite Greeks inculcated men into beside all the talk of civilized society, but I also feel it’s less well understood how open they also are to a similar reading regarding the appetites and barbaric capacities specifically of the upper classes of Greek society.

[2]In some versions Nessos and Herakles actually have a history, and the whole incident is Nessos’s attempt at vengeance. There is another story, where Herakles visits a centaur who is his friend named Pholos, and a gang of nearby Centaurs(I like to think they were Rowdy Teens myself u_u) smell the wine they’re drinking and crash the party to share some. Herakles, being Herakles, of course immediately begins killing them for the perceived insult, which inevitably leads NOT ONLY to Pholos dying(cuz Herakles isn’t careful and shoots him too, or in other vers bcuz he refuses to so much as retrieve his arrows from the bodies due to concerns with “pollution” from the corpses, and Pholos cuts himself on one of the arrows), but ALSO the poisoning, and eventual death, of Chiron, who was one of Pholos’s neighbors and who Herakles accidentally knicked while wildly chasing down and shooting the interlopers. Nessos is one of these Centaur teens, and the only centaur in the whole situation to survive (:T

[3]Which, btw, the whole “faithful” thing doesnt make much sense(even though it pops up regularly in Greek Myth), because her “competitor” in these versions is a slave. These next sentences are going to be gross and awful, but in the society which told these stories male slave-owners already had unrestricted sexual access to their slaves and, beyond that, I’ve never read a single example in Greek or Roman sources of a slave being legitimized and married as a wife(which doesnt mean such examples dont exist; I’m an amateur). So the idea that a slave could threaten Deianira’s position as Herakles’s wife seems very dubious to me(as does the general trope of slave women as threats to wives in Greek stories). Again: this is all super-awful, but it’s something complicating the traditional presentation of the myth, which is rarely addressed because most academics writing for a general audience are super-loath to deal with classical slavery as the awful, body and soul crushing institution which it was.

#Penn Museum #Dr. Jeremy McInerney #cw: rape #cw: slavery #Classical Greece #Centaurs #Boundaries #Myth Analysis #Mythic Themes #Agency #Female Protagonists #analytic posts #Critical Analysis #zA Opinions #Video #Youtube

[monstergender]

the idea that people (read: me, i’m being self-centered on my personal blog) dont like the homestuck epilogues because they’re not smart enough and didn’t read them right, that a negative response is reactionary butthurt and that they grow on you as you start to really get them?

i personally think that this is (at least from some folks) a bit of rationalization. this is a way of saying “they can’t possibly be bad because if they were that bad i’d have to think about a world where the authors’ intentions and desires made a product that just hurt people for no good reason”

and also its a load of bullshit.

homestuck doesnt have to be good. the epilogues dont have to be good.

i went into my read thru (meat, then i took a break, then candy) giving the benefit of the doubt. i saw the tone of the opening trouble people around me and i thought, “they weren’t expecting sadstuck. they weren’t expecting such a tired and grim outlook from their epilogue. but I Am Used To Such Things and thats why i liked it even though it made me dread rose’s future” (in retrospect, this was the kind of “i am more enlightened than you” attitude i am rapidly becoming extremely done with)

and the tag list made me flinch, but i tried to give the benefit of the doubt when i saw the posts insisting that they reflected actual content warnings and weren’t just a joke.

i’m going to fast forward a bit here because i just decided i actually dont want to play by play my reaction to the things

i found the epilogues to be needlessly cruel. cruelty in a story can be deployed appropriately - murderstuck and game over were both rapid-fire wanton destruction of fan-favorite characters that, at least to me, leaned on the fourth wall with the idea that “yes, we know you love these characters, and now horrible things are going to happen to them” i did not find that to be the case in the epilogues - largely because the professed intent of producing an “epilogue” clashes with dramatic and significant changes to the status quo, which i’ll say more about in a sec - but also because should not require culling or violating a substantial portion of your cast. So much of that violence, that in-universe cruelty, is entirely gratuitous, and it dominated my experience reading most of both timelines.

i found that the epilogues failed at being epilogues in the most direct sense. they did not serve primarily as a conclusion to the text. they started more shit than they ended. i was looking for a sense of closure - i think a lot of us were! - and this wasn’t that. the answers it gave to outstanding questions were overshadowed by the new developments. caliborn’s stage play and the deployment of the juju against lord english were deliberate anticlimaxes, and most of the attention was on john’s disconnect with the world and the dead cherub’s arrival in candy, and the narrative predomination of dirk and the concept of the ultimate self in meat. it gave those answers grudgingly, because they needed to be given, and dispensed new threads and hooks gleefully.

i’m talking in circles.

i believe that even the discussion around the trigger warnings was disingenuous. while it is technically accurate that all of the warnings that were given were reflected in the text, it feels to me like a grand cheat. like the intent was to create a wall of warnings, and the execution of the story was adjusted to follow it. so many of the included topics were, again, gratuitous. dirk being pelted with #diapers was not relevant, was not essential. gamzee being #addicted to #breastmilk likewise! #clown dynamics is, as far as I can tell, completely made up, and while i do believe that there was a portion of the audience for whom #honk and #clown were relevant warnings, at this point i am unconvinced that that is the reason they were listed.

lightning round

the authors are responsible for the pervasive misogyny throughout. “dirk did it” is not an excuse.

including a nonbinary character and then having the personified narrator stubbornly and persistently misgender them is extremely shitty

confirming that most of the other characters are canonically cis except jade who can’t talk about her body without it being naughty and embarrassing (and is also portrayed as consistently kinda lowkey predatory/consent-ignoring in her pursuit of relationships) is extremely shitty

there were good things in the epilogues, things that made me smile. i think if all i had was hate, this would be easier.

you didn’t even tag unreality. i could have really used that.

i understand the plot

i understand the plot

i understand the plot

i fundamentally reject the argument that the events depicted are not any more canon than your or my or anyone’s fanfiction for a number of reasons. if this is your position i am willing to discuss why i feel this way but it is not the point here and now.

in conclusion

this wasnt an epilogue. it was a 200k-word (or whatever, i dont care, long as fuck) after credits sequence to plant the seeds of the next story. it was an aggressive, double-barreled fuck-you-for-caring to the audience, and while i can believe that some of the authors who contributed did not mean it that way, i do believe that the minds behind the big picture are canny enough to understand the malice in what they produced.

it is okay for it to be bad. it is okay to read it, and understand it, and find it desperately flawed. the fandom can survive homestuck having a really unsatisfying and terrible so-called epilogue. but talking about it like “if you really got it you’d like it” is irresponsible, wrongheaded, and will alienate people.

#homestuck epilogues /// #if you even think of interacting with this post i will stomp you to death with my fucking hooves

[viralhottopics]

A Definitive Ranking Of 2000s Rom Coms

Although people who peaked in high school like to act poetic about how great the 2000s were, they werent actually any better than the present day. I mean, it was a time when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake wore matching denim outfits in public and nobody carted them off to an insane asylum.

But Im prepared to make a concession on two points: 1) At least we werent under the administration of a sentient slime mold wearing a bad wig. 2) The 2000s were a golden age for romantic comedies, mostly thanks to Judy Greers tireless efforts to play every heroines best friend. Plus, only like half the jokes were sexist, and there was about an 80% chance pre-pretentious Matthew McConaughey would show up.

Obviously, a betch has to be picky about her rom-comssome are shitty in a good way, but others are best avoided in case someone catches you watching them. To guide your Netflix viewings, here’s a totally objective list of 00s rom coms. If you disagree, which Im sure everyone will, please note that Im not actually forcing you to watch these movies; Im just saying that if you regularly watch any of the bottom five, you have terrible taste.

14.

is considered a modern classic by two groups of people. 1) men in their late 20s with a crush on Natalie Portman and a thriving quarter-life crisis and 2) 8th graders in 2004 under the assumption that any movie that features a Shins track in its soundtrack is automatically deep. To everyone else, its a film about self-absorbed white people whining about their lives until theyre magically fixed by the power of mixtapes. There are approximately a zillion issues with this film, beginning with Zach Braffs complete lack of expression and ending with the fact that you cant cure real depression by listening to The Shins, no matter how clearly superior the soundtrack is to anything else in this film. Worst of all, though, is the fact that Natalie Portman played a manic pixie dream girl so obnoxious I still dream about strangling her character sometimes. Padme deserves so much better.

13.

Im not saying romantic comedies have to make much sense, but s plot is mystifying. Matthew McConaugheys parents are tired of him living at home, so they call in a lady high class escort (Sarah Jessica Parker) whose job is literally seducing men into moving out of their parents basements and unceremoniously dumping them. Because that’s plausible, and not at all fucked up to force your son to fall in love with someone you’re paying. Ridiculous premise aside, you know a movie is terrible when famed nicegirl Zooey Deschanel is the best thing about it.

12. Monster-in-Law

In case you missed this one, and for your sake I hope you did, is about Jane Fonda inexplicably being terrible to Jennifer Lopez, who walks a lot of dogs and is engaged to Fondas son. That right there should tell you all you need to knowI cannot think of one movie that JLo was in that was anything above mild torture, and we’re supposed to root for her character why, exactly? If my son was engaged to a full-time dog walker you can best believe I’d do everything short of actual murder to put a stop to that bullshit.

11.

Im told some people love this movie, but Jesus fucking Christ, is it possible for the two main characters to be any more appalling? Here you have two assholes manipulating the shit out of each other and just generally acting psychotic, all to win a stupid bet with their friends. They really should call it “How To Act Like A Psychopath And Lose Your Dignity.”

10.

Not gonna lie, I fucking adored when I was an impressionable preteen. It had time travel! Mark Ruffalo! A makeover scene! Years later, the movie is still fun to watch, even if it is way too obsessed with the 80s, but the jokes are more cute than funny. Also, why would anyone allow their 13-year-old child to go to a sleepover hosted by a 30-year-old? That is … questionable to say the least. Not to mention Jennifer Garner’s character does a reverse transformation from a betch into a nicegirl and dumps her hot pro bf in favor of her formerly fat friend. Blah blah, true love, I don’t give a fuck. Tenth.

9.

is close to being wrapped in cutesy narration, but it’s far superior. For one thing, it reintroduced the world to Joseph Gordon-Levitts dimples. For another, it manages to be a fairly realistic depiction of a shitty millennial relationship without being super fucking depressing. But thats also kind of the problemrom coms arent supposed to be realistic, theyre supposed to be clich and feel-good, and I don’t care what you say, Summer is a thot. I have literally stayed up at night mapping how she could have possibly met someone worthy of engagement a mere 118 days after she broke up with Tom, and only six days after attending a wedding as his guest (yes I did the mathI told you; this movie keeps me up at night). No matter how you slice it, she had to have cheated on somebody.

8.

Full disclosure: As a Southern betch, Im stoked that takes place right next door. (Dear Hollywood: An entire country exists between New York and LA.) But even though it features Patrick Dempsey as the other man, Josh Lucas with a dreamy Southern accent, and Reese Witherspoon, there are still some issues. Mainly, WTF WERE YOU THINKING, MELANIE? Did you really dump your future president fianc for your secret redneck husband just so “the first boy you kissed could also be your last”? I’ve heard of trying to keep your number down, but damn if this isn’t some delusional shit.

7.

Everyone on planet Earth can relate to having a batshit crazy family, and thats exactly what makes appealing. The two leads are fine, considering they’re not Kate Hudson or Matthew McConaughey, but the extended family is everyones favorite part of the movie. Honestly the most memorable moment to come out of this movie is the “put some Windex on it”pretty good deal for Windex, not so much for the people who actually starred in the movie. However, it does get points for the memorable line: “The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she pleases.”

6.

The plot is pretty flimsy (a Canadian businesswoman has to marry her assistant to avoid deportation) but everyone loves a story where the couple starts out hating each other and eventually falls in love. The cast is what makes this movie pure rom com gold: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, and Betty fucking White, who gifted us with the infamous Native American dance scene. Basically, it’s predictable but ridiculous, making it better than some of the other garbage movies on this list.

5.

Admittedly, is probably to blame for some of the chubby man-child/beautiful, svelte woman couplings we see in the media that give men unrealistic beauty expectations (of the types of women they can expect to date), otherwise known as The Beyonc/Jay Z Phenomenon. But whatevs. Its a good movie. Seth Rogen has that whole dad bod thing going onapparently a thing some people are intoand Katherine Heigl was at the top of her rom com game before she pissed off the entire cast of .is actually hilarious, which is enough to make up for the fact that Katherine Heigl appears in it.

4.

Even aside from my undeniable crush on youthful Sandra Bullock, is a quintessential early-2000s romantic comedy. Allow me to explain. 1) It stars an ambitious career woman who dont need no man. 2) But she kind of wants one anyway, and everyone realizes what a catch she is when she puts on lipstick and a dress. 3) Did I mention its plot is literally an extended makeover scene as Bullock goes from bad ass FBI agent to bad ass beauty pageant contestant? I rest my case. Add in some cute female friendships and a scene in which Bullock teaches us how to fend off an attacker, and its basically required viewing every year.

3.

You had to know was going to make the list despite this amazing take-down article of why it’s actually terrible. With approximately a bajillion storylines going on, its hard not to find one you like and get invested, and it doesnt hurt that the film features every well-known British actor under the sun. Im not sure how the movie manages to juggle all the different plots without being confusing and/or boring, but Im not gonna question it. However, this shit is TOO FUCKING LONG. If I have to pop an Adderall just to make it through a damn movie (which I do), you need to send your editors back to the drawing board.

2.

is the perfect example of a rom com thats super clich in theory, but in practice, its so fucking heartwarming it doesnt even matter (ugh). Katherine Heigl plays ultimate nicegirl Jane (in case the fact that her name is “Jane” wasn’t enough of a clue), whos been part of 27 weddings and miraculously hasnt gone broke from buying all the bridesmaid dresses. The dudes are pretty forgettable, but Janes psychotic sister and slutty best friend totally steal the spotlight, elevating the film to truly betchy heights.

P.S. For once, James Marsden plays the leading man, so his preternaturally perfect face gets more screen time, #bless.

1.

Bridget Joness Diary is the ultimate feel-good movie, as in its literally impossible to watch it without feeling your icy soul thaw ever so slightly at the end. The titular character starts out fat, single, and past the age of 30, so basically our worst nightmare. By the end, though, she manages to bang Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, land a better job, and become a self-described wanton sex goddess. If those arent your life goals, you clearly need to start your own self-help journey.

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