#i cant type it all out its too much shit

[puppydogsys]

i need someone to just like.. sit with me and talk thru my sys flip and the alters that are popping up i am simply lost and going in circles 😵‍💫

#i cant type it all out its too much shit #and the only person i can talk it thru with cant do that rn 😣 #a sys flip wasn’t unexpected but its always interesting #and this one was Wild #i have so many things to write down #and mainly just want to add people to simply plural #should i make a new one and just transfer the ones who pop up again #am i manic #i think im just pressed about the shit happening in my brain lol #time to change up my blog too #sys flip means new aesthetic lol #cutieposts

[todayisafridaynight]

would it be okay if u told me why u like aoki😭/gen😭😭😭😭BEEN TRYNA LIKE HIM FOR SO LONG I JUST CANTT but i love ur art so much so i still consume it otherwise lol

i liked tohru adachi in high school and tbh i think that alone is enough of an explanation for why i ended up liking aoki

#snap chats #haha see i told you last post's tags were relevant #anyway vLKVJEVLKAEJVLKJ IM CRYING ANON youre so funny. this is the funniest ask i coulda got thank you so much #i dont know why i like him either <- yes i do #fine lets get Real Talk about it #well first off all i thought he looked hot rolling out the elevator and i was playing the eng dub and i think his voice sounds hot there #and thats like. not athing that happens to me ever <- literally thought sawashiro was hot two frames into the game but anyway #i like politician characters. or characters that are in a position of power ESPECIALLY if they have to act like they dont suck balls #like i very much love the idea of the power of charisma and that type of thing not to mention the 'strategizing' as aoki puts it #that comes with politics. LIKE HE SUCKS DONT GET IT TWISTED HE SUCKS BUT //shrug emoji// #like its why i love the mine rggo stories i like seeing mine's thought process and how he uses his intelligence #smart's sexy to me idk what to tell you but moving on #its fun watching him lose his cool too ESP IN HIS FIGHT LMAO HE STOMPIN HIS FOOT LIKE A TODDLER SHUT UP #i also really love the arakawa family in general and thinking of aoki's relationship with each of them makes my brain explode #especially him and sawashiro that shit is painful to watch and i love it so much #i also thought him going from goth to republican was the funniest shit in the world like i howled at that AND i was distraught #aokis so interesting to me from the notion that he IS loved by his family but he has so much hatred for himself it eats him up #and as a result he cant be happy no matter what he does- how hes constantly seeking validation even if it's nothing meaningful #his lil. Dog-Eat-Dog world world belief to ichi also appealed to my edgy depressed high schooler brain. sorry. #his speech at the lockers also got to me. unfortunately. sorry everyone i empathized too hard it got too real it wasnt funny anymore #like as much as i complain bout the very end the ending is what solidified me liking aoki if not also cause of ichi's impact in those scene #plus... analyzing him and the environment around him is so much fun too.... #idk reasons for why i like aoki also boil down to personal reasons. he still sucks tho so i cant be upset when people hate him LOL #i probably have more reasons or could elaborate more i love rambling but i mean. who really wants to read all that 💀💀 #maybe for a character that WASNT the worst but. aoki is so LMAO #thank you for loving my art regardless :) im sorry i have to be attached to the worst guys ever

[istherewifiinhell]

always thinking about all the lights that are placed for like. user safety. public space improvement. and i think i could go techincal like health science that, civil engineering this, and its like oh there bad actually. there not correctly serving the purpose of improving visibility the same way wide roads dont correctly serve the purpose of safer driving. BUT ontop of that i just think of the ways i dont feel a space is bettered or safer with constant light. i feel a lot of safety in darkness which i realise is NOT blah blah ideologically applicable and stuff. i just seek the dark and quiet and solitary. thats all.

#some shit #like straight up we all know the headlights are too bright and streetlamps bleed off too much and all that. #and ive seen a lot of more... idk how to say. public yet domestic type lighting thats just. bro. this is doing nothing but throwing light #INTO ppls eyes. its not lighting things. #which blah blah angry tried head hurts all the time #ALSO AND ADDITIONALLY. cant things just be dark. please. when i go out in the dark i would like it to be dark out there. #which is just a personal desire. is all.

[toastsnaffler]

back home and my washing is done and I need to eat lunch and do my ironing and then I've done all the tasks on my list and I can spend the rest of the day having a mental breakdown and then go straight to sleep woohoo

#wait no i cant bc my mum wants to call. well i can have like a 2 hr breakdown and then call her and make dinner and then get back to it #i cant go out or do anything nice its too much. for a taurus i rly suck at this hedonism shit 🙄 #its fine just the comedown innit. love med mood swings bc i have smth to blame other than myself when i feel bad #and i was always gonna feel bad today anyway. its just a reminder of how im not even a real person and all i do is take from everyone #and i can never make up for that no matter how hard i try and i can never feel sorry enough abt it!!!! #lets not even get into it or ill be typing an entire monologue here. as per fucking usual anyway #its all good ill remember how to be normal in a bit 👍 god its so fucking embarrassing feeling like this sorry for ventposting #but i will blow the flat up with myself in it otherwise so. niche microblogging platform i use as a journal save me #eating my fuckign. Soup #.diaries #.vent

[fithragaer]

i hold the rarest dragon age opinions of neither hating nor loving anders and cullen

#like theres potential but the writing is fucking all over the place and despite the bioware ~nuance~ the lib politics of the writers are so #glaring that im just pulled out of it #theres something they were going for and were working towards cohesive Points but wimped out. many such cases! #also i feel like they respond to fan opinions too much #changing how many people were in the chantry bc anders remained popular after the end of da2 #retconning cullens more unsavory traits ie the ending where he massacres innocents (although most of the origins endings got retconned #regardless) #mostly its the retconning actually. later games/media fully lying to you about events and characters you saw previously #god i hate the lib shit at bioware and the fumbling attempts at having any coherent message. cant wait for da4! #text #da #perso #fuck that was more than i meant to type

[borderpolar]

Hey so when I'm upset (like I am now) something that helps is to infodump about my special interests so anyway here's a spot where you can talk about your special interests in the tags!!!!! Go ahead!!! Have fun!!! I'm jumping in the tags right now as we speak!

#borderpolar speaks #actually neurodivergent #actually autistic #actually adhd #anyway as ive mentioned before my biggest special interest is succession and season 4 comes out on march 26th!!!!!! #and i cant wait to see all my favourite characters! im most excited to see kendall again my favourite poor little meow meow!!! #hell almost certainly cry again like he does every season and ill probably cry too tbh!!! #and then theres stewy and he got like 5 minutes of screen time or something in s3 #but arian moayed (who plays him) is like oh yeah theres gonna be much more stewy this season and there better be!!!! #he was so important to the plot of s1 and semi important to the plot of s2 so i hope hes a huge player this season #because its great to see him fuck shit up for the main characters (especially logan fuck that guy) #omggggg and tom and shivs marriage is on the rocks and that is going to be a HUGE source of tension that i cant wait to witness #even typing all this out is making me feel less upset because i love that show it makes me very happy!!!!!

[vaugarde]

well i finished renegade. i sure was renegading all over the place

#it was alriiiight.... but man i hate to say it but i think i have more complaints than praises #i DID like florins new execution route and i liked talons deal. the entire end of night spell deal was horrifying and i loved it #i love that genre of horror like ''you die twice when you get forgotten after death'' #so seeing it play out here was horrifying in a good way. talon and amber's deaths were both so fucking good like goddamn #they were just as heartbreaking as they needed to be. especially ambers like when you go talk to tesla after #but. man i dont think meta games are for me cause ngl i was sorta just like ''aight.'' to most of the meta here #like that was the one thing about talon i didnt care for. i thought ''everyone i know and love is going to die and god is screaming at me'' #was a fine enough motivation to go crazy and become a rift. i thought it was compelling and tragic and a good thing to do #with a new character. but then he started going ''in older versions of the game i wasnt even there i was just a prop for the backstory'' #and thats sorta when i started tuning out. like i cant explain why but i feel it made the scene more... cheap? #i think just cause personally ive seen that motivation a lot in meta games before and its gotten old to me #tbh the entire meta angle is whats really dragging this down to me. dont get me wrong i love eizen and his scenes #but i dont see why we have to canonize the game's update cycles as like a critical part of the world #and then theres m2 who i have mixed feelings on. cause i love the character type of ''ive been through so much shit idc anymore'' #and they end up being kinda goofy and saying inappropriate/out of pocket things while trying not to discuss The Horrors #ive written more than one of those types of characters. but with m2 its like she doesnt know how to turn that off #like spacea and tiempa's deaths being a tera raid parody where they joke about being in a crashing plane and get bashed by extra melias #it just felt like. unfitting. (also a nitpick but goddamn that scene made my head hurt with how much the screen wobbled) #like really? this is the sendoff they get in the fucked up and evil route? and idk i just dont think m2 was all that funny. #she was more grating than anything tbh. and i just feel like her existence and the bad timeline is just Too Much #like there were already so many plotlines and arcs and do we Really need a new-ish character right before the climax #idk. im hoping v14 is more cohesive in this department #for now im taking a much needed break from this game lol

[thecherrygod]

thinking about hdb while holding my head in my hands and suffering

#my posts #i cant fully articulate this #idk if i have the time either #but. help. i will tag this with my organization tags. i may see this at some other time and maybe ill be able to so #disco elysium #hdb #im just thinking about him and martinaise harry and his childhood and the 15th indotribe thing and dora #how probably considering the type of friends he had and how they all ended..... they were probably all like him personality wise #like. im not saying they were bad people like harry was kind of an asshole but not fully #like they were all a bunch of teens in a bad situation trying to make the best of it however they can and well... didnt work out too well #but what i mean is that i think thats partially why he got that level of attached to dora? she didnt go through what he did #she had the money to not go through that she was stable she was a constant in his life that was pure and that wasnt always #going through something. a guide. harry went to her like a moth to a fire with pure devotion bc she was everything he never had #she probably also treated him different than what all his previous friends would have. i imagine her to be very gentle #and harry probably never got to know too much about people being soft so that was also. new. but somethign imposible to him #so i can see how he would love her like that to the point of basically worshipping her as god and how he would still love her #years after it went to shit even when he cant remember anything. it makes sense #i think they were engaged bc the wedding gown but idk if its said in game. but he loved her enough to want to marry her in a world #where real love isnt possible for him but only for new people in a new world he still wanted that with her even if it didnt work out #he holds to whatever he can of her as a lifeline and i. man. dude. yeah no i get him #idk how long they were together but it also doesnt matter bc of how harry is as a person #also of course at first it was all good. she was basically fixing him but he cant get fixed only with love in a world like that! #or with a life like his... it was always going to go down. and i. dude #... i am thinking about this as someone who still loves someone and we werent even dating like #i think if we dated and it went bad like. i think id be in a similar situation to harry tbh. i get him #yeah no yeah lmao i do think of this person also sort of as the only good thing in my life #and i am glad she did reject me when i confessed bc if i had fully lost her i dont know where id be? but also man its been 7 years #of the rejection and basically 10 of falling for her. i get harry so fucking badly on this one USHDGIUHUSG #ok in the end i did say what i had to say but in the tags i dont think ill make a proper post out of it #but i did write it in a way that wasnt articulated for a post so i think i was right making it like this lmao

[padfootastic]

Hello,

Please feel free to ignore this ask because it may contain sensitive topic to some people. What's your opinion about trans James ? In most fanon works , both art and fics, it is Sirius who usually is headcanoned as one. I have not seen many works with trans James or him being gender fluid , etc . Do you think it is because the way his character is described in the books , which in all honesty is not much or is it because Sirius had been described as really handsome? It doesn't do anything with handsomeness, I know , but the fandom works strangely like that 🙊

well, hello there, friend! so sorry for getting to this so late.

so, my opinion on this is really just my usual for identity hcs--i personally dont care much for them. that's not to say they're bad (i've seen some beautifully done stuff) just that it hits too close to reality for my escapist ass.

i see where you're coming from with the sirius comparison, tho! i think partly it's also because sirius is just...more popular? james is a pretty niche character, i'd say, even within mwpp compared to the others, so just by virtue of numbers, trans james doesnt get so much attention.

(there's a part of me that also thinks its also bc so much of the queerness in fanfiction comes from. wanting representation rather than caring about writing a queer character. and that means there's no deeper engagement than outward aesthetics. which means no real transgression is taking place. so u have repackaged cishetero norms circulating. but what do i know about that)

#i also have more thoughts re like. body types & identity headcanons #and what makes some characters so likely to be hc'd as something vs not others #but i dont think im qualified to say them out loud lol #it'll all be v anecdotal anyway #plus im nowhere near educated enough for it #also like the last bit--thats not me invalidating people who're writing it #i think its great it exists + dont think everything has to always be deep #im the last person to advocate for that tbh #but theres like this line b/w actually caring about something and merely providing lipservice #and i think a lot of ~activism in fandom tends towards the latter #(thats why im not a fan of identity hcs in my work. i know i cant do it justice and it WILL end up being shallow representation lipservice) #(and its just better to...not at that point ykno?) #which means basic norms and conventions are upheld #which is a bit. hm. when queerness is so inherently subversive ykno? #not sure how to explain it lol #but i do think its mainly sirius' popularity for this #the other stuff is just me speculating and thinking too much into random shit #pen’s asks

[strawbebyjam]

i think i’ve reached my breaking point

#i think maybe i already passed it and was just in. a lot of denial #i know how badly i need help. i know how badly i’m doing. i know i’m not getting things done. i know i’m keeping everyone out. i know i’m #giving up. but it is. so hard to get help HDJDHDH there is way too much shame and effort and energy it requires #and i just don’t. have any of it left. and i’m so tired. and i hate myself so much. and i can’t even think of a single redeemable feature #inside ot out or anywhere and i’m just. i don’t know what i can do or should do but everything is so hard. all the time. and i’m not even #draggung through anymore i am entirely stuck. i keep failing courses and graduation keeps getting delayed. and i can’t fo anything. and i’m #so scared but i’m also closer to tryly and genuinely giving up than i ever have veen before #and before i use d yo feel like there were two lose lose routes i coudl take but therr was partial joy in both. but now im at a pointwhere #have failed enough and failed repeatedly enough that i cant even. get to yhose situations. and theres just #more than anything there’s so much shame. i don’t know what yo do with muself anymore. im luinh all the time to everyone and i hatemhysemf #so mych. im so so so disgustedwith myself and i dknt know what to do #like i always kbew i was the weak type but seeing it in action is just. i dontknow who i am anymore #neg #mano.mindtalk #i feelbad that i come on gete and say shit i should ve telling a therapist but i cannot affordthat shit and i refuseto spew this. seeage of #a brain onto my friends #alsolike. i know fullwell i am. so secerely mentally ill lmfoajim a fucking psychollgu major i know my braib is fucked but i cant do shitabo #ut it and its so. frustrating. but i also have no excuseto be the way i am everyone caressos much everyone is so careful butwhenever i tryyo #get help it doestn work nothing changes and its so. frustratingand tiring like im really just so tired

[snekdood]

if me not being fake nice all the time is the reason ppl generally avoid me then whatever. id rather not walk around with a liar as a face.

#omigosh janet thats so good thats happening for you !!!!!!!! my many exclamation points dont totally make it seem like im joking #being fake nice means you can never be direct which means all communication is passive aggressive. #and i really dont have time for that shit #im like very done with passive aggressive people. if youve got afucking issue fucking say it you bitchmade motherfucker #its why i cant be around Certain types of gays. #like its all drama LITERALLY just bc no one can be direct with one another. lmao. #and it looks so fucking solvalbe to me all the time and no one ever wants to hear it like dawg #you HAVE to communicate your issues w people otherwise it builds up into reset=ntment. #but then the problem w these types of gay friend groups is since no one is direct- when you're the first to be direct they decide its you #being an asshole when its like... im literally saying the thing you're too much of a bitch to say to the person..... stfu... #anyways im over the catty bitches sorry. #me when i think never speaking up about wanting food will get me fed #and then being passive aggressive in secret group chats about it #when i couldve fuckin said something. #its the reason these friend groups fall apart ALLLLL the time. #a. bc usually they're the type of friend groups that just really loooove finding people within it to secretly hate and slowly ostracize #till they leave. but also because if any of them actually DO learn how to communicate- #they're all gonna realize they actually fucking hate eachother and only hangout bc theyre the only queer ppl you know in your town #that actually tolerates you. #so you'd rather hang out with these miserable ass ppl you dont even really like than be alone. #and personally i cant bring myself to do that. #i really do think id rather be alone than be around ppl i dont like or relate to in any way.

[toastsnaffler]

coming to terms with having adhd is like wow so my brain has been broken all my fucking life and always will be. and when I felt like everything was unfair + more difficult for me than everyone else thats because it is actually. and it will always be like this forever. hope that helps 👍

#and also all my concerns abt being high risk for substance abuse + self harm + suicide are now statistically proven 👍 #not to mention risks of debt/houselessness + the whole spectrum of attachment/relationship issues etcetera #the likelihood of me having adhd is inescapable theres too much evidence for it. but I cant even think abt it without having a breakdown #my execution function hasn't been functioning for weeks and I'm so fucking tired I just want to be able to do shit. please #also so sick of ppl being like oh adhd is so fun it means youre more creative + energetic haha 🤪 whenever I try to talk abt it #like actually not to be a downer but its ruining my fucking life. its not some 'superpower' or coveted quirk. kindly shut the fuck up #maybe it would just be a fun different type of brain if society was structured differently. but its not! so it will always be a hindrance #I think I need to try and find a therapist to see who specialises in or has experience w adhd bc I am rly not coping right now lmfao #just so I can wrap my head around this. and figure out how to get my shit together and function as a member of society #anyway. sorry. #.vent #oddly this is very specific to adhd. when i think abt the fact i likely have autism im like hell yeah that rules B^)

[midwestblue]

its just funny how my friends dont see me as a man and dont include me in any of their guy activities and actively avoid using my pronouns and treat me like im some alien all because im trans & autistic & mentally ill and then they act like they have the audacity to say theyre trans allies because theyre lgb and they dont want trans people dead. wow great allyship 10/10 incredible job guys

#.txt #one of them actively supports h*rry p//tter too #when ive already said its bad👍👍👍 #I love never having any type of love in my life ever👍 I love being treated like a Thing to my friends #who use me for everything👍 #I love it I love it soo much #I love when they get mad at me whenever I try talking about my feelings #but when I dont listen to them they get angry #because thats all im good for in this world. if im not useful or being used then why would they want to hang out with me #because im so terrible to be around enough. so I might as well be treated like shit #im so tired of it. I didnt want it to be this way. I just want friends. I just want people who will love me despite everything #I feel like its not too much to ask for. One fucking real friend. that cant be too much to want #Im so sad and tired. Im so alone. I dont even want to try anymore.

[pizzapizzadickz]

I rly want to like. Go sit down and eat and read. But I cannot. Bc I want to stay under my weighted blankets and these are the ones for my bed. So I cannot move them. So I'm not leaving my bed.

#if i leave my bed imma die #i could move n chill infront of the tv and play games #diary #personal #trust me trying to explain my brain process to anyone is litteral hell tbh. #ik the phrase is thought process but i dont wanna go and fix that. #idk im just really. tired and overstimulated i think #so that mean i just cant. idk. like. ik if i do too much today itll wind up with me turninh into an utter wreak. #so like. ill try to prevent that but idk man. i may have a brain n shit but i cant argue with it all that well lmao #i have to keep being like: okay. how about we do this. how about we eat this. etc. #and my brain just be like: no! cannot! its not the exact thing i want. that i also cannot remember/we dont have #seriously send help. bc at this rate i think its turning into a type day. #ugh. i just wanna stay in the dark. with my headphones. n under weighted blankets. #but seriously though. im like and my brain says no bc too much work #and i wanna read. but im not in the perfect mood for what i wanna read and theres nothing short to transition with #I HAVE SO MANY RULES AND ROUTINES N SHIT AND IT CAUSES ENDLESS PROBLEMS NOW BC I JUST DONT DO SHIT NOW #WHY. SERIOUSLY. WHY. JUST. LET. ME. DO. THE. THING. #well. ill probably eat when i figure out the pefect thing to eat. and if its not there thatll probably end me today yknow? #seriously if 1 thing goes wrong today ill probably have a meltdown #LET ME REPHRASE THAT. i am probably one step away from a meltdown as is so like. i am utterly incapable of anything today #seriously. usually i just do nothing on these days. but i need to take care of the bunny later. so wish me luck ig #also. im stimming A LOT lately. and thats pretty much my main indicator that im getting to like a breaking point lmao #haaah. well oh well. wish me luck i suppose.

[slonechnik]

.

#literally ignore this i just need somewhere to type #riemblings #a suicide tw if for any reason u ignored the first tag #i hate when i get so suicidal i actually plan to go through with it and just drop everything in my life and then it fucking passess #and now i dropped so much shit and i have no idea how to fix any of it i was supposed to be dead and now im not and living continues to be #a constant fucking punch to the face #i wish i could just drop dead im shit at all this #every couple months i feel this way throw everything out try to clean up write letters and set up rope and then i just keep putting it off #its not like i even enjoy being alive i survived till 18 and life didnt stop and im still here and i dont want to live like this #and i dont know how to fix any of it #idk if i just want to escape or if i actually want to die i think its both #i need to leave but just thinking about being myself for decades makes me want to throw up #i hate being alive so bad literally nothing is worth being alive but i feel too guilty to kill myself #I keep thinking abt what itd do to my parents and i cant go through with it #wish someone could guarantee theyd be cared for when im gone but tjeres no one theres always been just me and its exhausting #i just need one fucking excuse i just want one fucking thing im so tired of this

[kawaiianimeredhead]

I can not stand filling out forms on my freaking phone uhh

#its too small #my autofill keeps wanting to fill in shit #if i click autofill for one line it puts in shit in other place #or will fill in info further down i wasnt ready for #i cant review everything properly and make sure it did it right #im much more likely to making a fucking typo than if i did this on a computer or especially with pen and paper #not to sound like an old perso #but please just hand me some fucking paper #tag rambles #got a dentist appointment coming up #and i put autofill for one address line #and now all the fucki g address lines and shit wanna be fill #no i dont need to fill in that section fucking go away i tjought that was on a whole ass other page whyd it carry over #on a neater note my dentist's forms had a place to out a preferred name and instead of selecting a gender you typed it in #which i think is neat