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sisterssafespace · 3 years

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Assalamu alaykum🤍

Im the 🤍 anon :)

I just wanted to get something off my chest: my mother is muslim like me and dresses modestly but when i want to got to school wearing, long, modest clothes she forces me to wear jeans and a shirt or something like that.

She lets me wear the headscarf tho and approves of it, so I do not see why she behaves like that - or rather, I see why, but I don't understand it: she thinks I look ridiculous and out of place with long gowns and such things, and that "every place has its own dresscode" (though there is no ruling that prohibits long gowns at school) and she cares about what will people say. Also she seems to think that just because I am skinny and with no curves I don't have to dress modestly - my sister, who is far more curvy, gets the opposite treatment: what looks halal on me looks haram on her, and my mom always tells her that she dresses shamelessly and that she should put on larger, longer clothes.

I don't understand that and it makes me so ashamed that I've not been able to win this argument and that day after day I go to school in skinny jeans, astaghfirullah.

And I am just 15 (in a few months I'll be 16) so I have no credit card and no money to buy my own wardrobe, I really don't know what to do.

For now I am wearing the headscarf and see what she does, I don't know what she'll do when/if I tell her that I feel like becoming a munaqqabah, that it is the scholarly opinion that is more believable to me (for this at least I'm grateful for COVID-19, i can just put mask and headscarf and feel like I have a half-niqab).

Wa alaykum assalamu wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuhu dear 🤍🤍

I hope you are doing well and that you are staying strong and patient steadily walking your way on Allah's path 🤍🌼

So when I first read your ask, this came to my mind:

لا طاعة لمخلوق في معصية الخالق

‘There is no obedience to any created being if that means disobedience to the Creator.’ - The Messenger of Allaah, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Saheeh al-Jaami’ #7520

And on my way to Google the English translation for it, I found this detailed fatwah on this website, I attached the link so hopefully you get to check it and ponder upon it. I have a question tho, is your father or older brother or grandfather maybe present in the picture? If yes, what does he/ do they think? Do they support you or your mother's perspective? Because you can get the support of someone who hopefully can talk to her and convince her to change her position towards your issue.

And I know you said you just wanted to get this off of your chest, but I have a few ideas that I hope you can try, and hopefully in shaa Allah they'll work out for you:

1) Make duāa for her! You have already said that she approves of you wearing the headscarf, and that's great, so the next step is that she accepts the more modest style of clothing, and for that make duāa that Allah swt soften her heart towards the idea.

2) Some things can't be accomplished at once, some changes need to happen gradually. How about you switch to long skirts first, when you go to school, but keep the shirts? Maybe she can accept that? And then you start wearing longer shirts? How about your sister's clothes? Because you mentioned that you can't afford to buy your own clothes, how about you borrow your sister's larger longer items and make a nice outfit that can at the same time be accepted by your mother's standards and be comfortable for you. Some girls wear very baggy shirts with jeans. I say that you can be patient with your mother and take her slowly through the transition so that when it finally happens it won't come as a shock? But tbh as a Muslim girl who gave up jeans not so long ago and who has been facing resistance from her "quite religious" family, I feel you sis and I know how hard it must be for you. And I am so sorry, being forced to wear jeans and whatnot must be making you feel uncomfortable, sübhanallah, but at the same time, honey, you are only 15, legally you are still a child, and technically, you are still under your parents' custody.. it is a tough situation, and Allahuma barik you sound very mature for your age, and it is very clear the level of faith and love for Allah swt and for His beautiful religion in your heart, Allahuma barik laki 🤍🤍

However, I could tell you to pull something radical, like tear all your jeans or burn them or sth, but I am afraid that won't end well and it will only upset your mother more and lead to more complicated problems and conflicts. So, that's a no, I definitely do not recommend it .. 😅

3) my third and last idea would be to actually try and win her over? Try to get closer to her? I think some mothers (please read: most of them) they just want to seem and feel in control of something. Like, she just wants to feel powerful? Like she has some sort of control? So she is controlling the weaker members of the family that are you and your sister (it's a hypothesis not a fact, Allahu aālam). So how about, you make her your friend, you show her outfits that are both modest and cute, there is a lot of content online, modest websites (especially Turkish products) that are at the same time cute, fashionable, and modest in a very pleasing way. I also follow an modest Instagrammer who lives in Scandinavia and who wears long sleeved dressed from European brands like Zara or H&M (which could be ankle length or a bit above) but wears a long black skirt under them so that she is all covered up. It is a very creative hack. So my point is, maybe show her that modest dressing can still be cute and age-appropriate, show her outfits, designs, dresses, ask for her opinion like " oh what do you think of this dress...? Or what about this long skirt with this long shirt, I think they would look cute on me, what do you think? .. " Oh but you know your mother best so you know she needs to be very chill, in a good mood, when you want to bring up something like that 😅

Allahu al'mustaān habibty, Allah swt has given you a very challenging task at such a young age, which only reflects that He swt loves you just as much and considers you to be capable of taking this challenge, Alhamdulillah! 🤍🤍

I will be looking forward to an update, a positive one in shaa Allah! Don't forget to make duāa that Allah swt change and soften her heart!

May Allah swt fill your beautiful heart with patience and persistence, to keep steadfast on his path, ameen 🤍🤍

Stay safe my dear.

Fi Aman Allah.

- A. Z. 🍃

#sisterssafespace #modesty #parent/child conflicts

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prettywordsyouleft · 5 years

Text

Out of Time

Summary: Kun wanted to give you the best life he could, but in the process forgot you needed him in the present more than what was to come.

Characters: Qian Kun x reader

Genre: angst / office worker au

Warnings: angsty as hell, break up

Word count: 1817

Another night of waiting up for him had gone to waste. Kun had made promises to come home right after work and you had stupidly believed him. His job was important, and getting a promotion was right around the corner. Initially, you had been understanding of this. But when he started coming home in the early hours of the morning reeking of alcohol and exclaiming how close he was to nailing this promotion after spending the night out with his seniors, you started to wonder what was so important about progressing in his career. Kun was already earning a good salary and worked enough hours. You hadn’t signed up to be an afterthought.

And that’s when the arguments began.

“Do you even care that I sit here and wait for you every night?!”

He groaned as he loosened his tie, shooting you an exhausted look. “Why are you like this, I’m doing this to set up our future!”

“What future? The one where you’re married to your job and I’m nothing but someone who you snuggle into when you come home too late and find me in bed? You’ve even been working in the weekends Kun, how are we meant to have a future when we don’t have a present?!”

“I have to work; it’s what keeps this place afloat! If it wasn’t for me being at work, how would we be able to afford what we have?!”

You gaped at him, your hard gaze faltering for a moment. “Are you saying I’m not doing enough by us financially?”

“Your job won’t bring in nearly as much as I can. I’m not saying you’re not doing enough, Y/N, I’m just stating a fact. I get paid more!”

“So you’re the breadwinner then, is that it? Since you work so hard and get paid more, your logic assumes I should sit here and be thankful for what I have?”

“It’s not like I treat you badly,” he offered, somewhat out of guilt for hurting you with his previous statement. “I’ve always loved you.”

“And I love you too, but I don’t love this divide at all.”

Kun could tell you were starting to show signs of defeat and came over to your side, rubbing your upper arms in his hands lightly. He lowered his head so he could catch your gaze and shot you a weak smile. “Just wait until I’ve gotten my promotion. Then I’ll be able to spend more time with who really matters to me. Which is you.”

“You promise?” He nodded and smiled again, kissing you softly before pulling you into his arms.

Each promise was merely a band-aid, the same outcome from the many arguments you would have, letting off steam only to placate each other with temporary fixes.

Kun’s promotion came and for a week you were optimistic. He had finished early more than once and he took you out on several dates, laughing and joking with you as you snuggled up at his side as much as you could. This was what you remembered your relationship to be, and the past year of tension seemed to ease. The man you loved was still in there and now that he had achieved his goal, he was attentive and affectionate.

You found yourself hoping that the future would be full of further adventures like this.

Once his role was established though, it became evident just how much extra work he had to complete. Kun was working longer hours, the times he once spent buttering up to his executives to get the role was now replaced with actually completing all that was expected of him.

You stopped waiting for him to come home, and soon you didn’t even bother making him dinner. You had forgotten the last time you shared a proper meal together.

Instead of fighting with him over his lack of dedication to your relationship, you found yourself uninterested in bringing it up. You didn’t want to hear his excuses anymore and you were tired of feeling like the only one willing to fight for what was left.

It was difficult because he was right, he hadn’t treated you badly. On the rare occasions when you were still awake and he came home, Kun would kiss you in greeting and ask you genuinely about your day. He was exhausted, but not completely evasive. Yet these moments were never enough, and over the next six months, they dwindled to you barely seeing him awake for more than twice a week.

Essentially, you became strangers who shared a bed together.

You hadn’t known how out of touch you were with your feelings until you joined some friends out on the town for the night, laughing and dancing so much that when you came home you slept properly for the first time in months. Soon, you were going out more often and your life became full of vibrancy again. You saw movies with your friends, and you went to new places too. The list of your favourite coffee shops soon grew from meeting up regularly, and you began to dream again.

You wanted more for yourself, and you slowly started to forget adding Kun into those projections. After all, he was busy working when you were out exploring your remaining years of youth.

It was when you went on a trip to the beach with your friends that you realised you had to change how you lived. Staring at the vast blue in front of you, you screamed out your fears, your insecurities. You cried for the love you had lost. You wailed for the time you had wasted. You yearned for self-worth to return.

When you came back to your apartment you had shared with Kun for the past three years, you looked around, trying to find memories that excited you. They were faint, barely recognisable, like your image in the mirror had become. You had grown, yet these walls had nothing to show for it.

There was nothing that could save you from the inevitable. You could remain here, enclosed and forgotten or you could break free and start anew. It hurt more than you expected it to as you packed what you needed, what little that gave you joy still.

And with a note left on the table, you stepped out of the front door, closing this chapter behind you.

When Kun arrived home that evening, the lights were off and the house was cold. He was used to this feeling now; you had stopped greeting him with a warm smile a long time ago. He missed it, yet he knew he needed to stop expecting things from you. It was enough that you had stayed by him all this time.

He went to the refrigerator, staring numbly at the lack of food options and grabbing a bottle of water instead. Dinner hours were always rushed and sometimes he even forgot to eat when at the office. The meals you prepared had stopped months ago. He knew you assumed he was eating well enough at work, and he was too apprehensive to ask you to start leaving him food again. It would be hard enough for you to have your meal for one, let alone cook for him and sadly put it away for him to eat when and if he was hungry once home.

Loosening off his tie, he headed into the bedroom, making his usual route through the darkened room over to the wardrobe, taking off his suit and slipping into his sweats, before heading back out of the room to the bathroom. You never stirred anymore at the sounds in the house when he came home from work, although he still tried to remain quiet. Once ready for bed, he moved back into the bedroom and slipped under the blankets. He closed his eyes, feeling the tension of the long day slowly unwind. And then he reached over for you, knowing that holding you through the night was the only thing that kept him going through the next day. It seemed foolish, he knew you wanted more. You deserved more too. But the goal he was saving towards was too important to him. You’d understand when he reached it, when he had the fanciest ring to place on your finger and a hefty deposit to buy your first home. It was worth the sacrifices he was making with you now.

But his hands came up empty, falling upon the cold space where your warmth normally laid. He glanced at the time on the alarm clock, knowing you had no place to be at two in the morning. You were always here, and he grew concerned, throwing back the blankets and shifting over to the light switch, illuminating the room and glancing around. He was alone.

As Kun moved through your apartment, he turned on every light he could, hoping they would guide him to you. But you were no where to be found. Dropping to sit in the chair at the table, he rested for a second before dread consumed him – had you been in an accident and no one had contacted him? He was about to go find his phone when his eyes caught something lying on the table, his shaking hands reaching out for the note you had left there.

He read the words but they made no sense to him. He read them more than he could remember and even when the first signs of morning infiltrated the large glass window he sat beside, he still couldn’t make sense of what they said.

Or, he didn’t want to believe in them.

This whole time his end goal had been you. Kun wanted to set up your life so you wouldn’t have to ever worry again.

He had been inattentive to the worries you had now, assuming he could make it all better in time. He had run out of time himself.

For the next two hours, he thought to find you, to rush out of the apartment and tell you he’d give it all up for you. That in some fantastical scenario, you would feel relief from this promise and fall back into his arms and live with him happily ever after.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had made you happy though.

And so he let you leave with a note. He went to work day in and out until he could no longer stand how hard he had worked with no end result.

Because you were missing from his world, and there was nothing he could do to bring you back.

_________________

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